Angel / Protocol
WARNING! If you have ever sat down and thought to yourself "Self, is it possible for TBQ to sit down with a plot bunny so wild and insane that it causes her to completely rewrite the entire Angel and Buffy universe to the point where she probably either needs to be the recipient of an intervention and/or should just admit to herself that this is original fic and would she just file the damn serial numbers off of it and get on with it already?" today is quite possibly your lucky day.
It's not in character. It doesn't make sense. The setup is wholly implausible to the extent that Wesley jerking off in Angel's kitchen while he watches Angel and Spike have sex in the bedroom is, by comparison, practically canonical. Any resemblance between this fic and logic is by pure and utter coincidence. And that's not even getting into any resemblance between this fic and the actual show that I'm swiping the characters from. It's not here. I promise you. Fictional masturbation at its finest. The premise of this piece could probably be summed up as "TBQ writes a story that goes directly to her kinks while using these paper dolls that look somewhat like characters from Angel the Series, though God knows they don't act like them."
*But* - sometimes people like playing with those paper dolls in the same way that I do, so if you're on board for the craziness well - pull up a chair! Happy to have you.
Part One (15 KB)
"The Council has concerns."
Part Two (19 KB)
"He's a vampire. An animal. His culture is death."
Part Three (18 KB)
"He's fine when I say he's fine and he's not fine if I don't know where he is!"
Part Four (19 KB)
"The location of your ruler is not considered an important point of trivia in your daily existence?"
Part Five (19 KB)
"You're saying a thing. Nobody told me there was a thing."
Part Six (31 KB)
"You say that whenever you're thinking something rude, don't you?"
Part Seven (27 KB)
No one ever claimed the devil lacked in charm or personality.
Part Eight (21 KB)
"No. No lectures. Come *on*! I had a good day."
Part Nine (21 KB)
"You know, I really thought the most annoying thing about today would be the attack in the tunnels. I really did."
Part Ten (26 KB)
"Look, whatever it is between the two of you I want it buried."
Part Eleven (23 KB)
"Anything in particular or was Angel leaving that part up to us? 'cause I can do a mean juggle if that's what you're looking for."
Part Twelve (28 KB)
"And that was the stock answer which means actually you hate this."
Part Thirteen (21 KB)
And he also, as many parents do, developed the instinct to rip the beating heart directly out of the chest of anyone who so much as made his child *frown*, let alone perform days-long acts of torture on anyone who actually went so far as to cause him actual hurt, pain, or general discomfort.
Part Fourteen (26 KB)
"You were effectively throwing my entire life directly into the toilet, yes."
Part Fifteen (21 KB)
Spouses were forbidden to make wishes about their future intendeds, but they often did it anyway.
Part Sixteen (22 KB)
"We had sex. Sometimes sleep happens."
Part Seventeen (17 KB)
"There's *bound* to be something I could be killing. Myself, for instance."
Part Eighteen (23 KB)
"I'm sure your father knows what's best.".
Part Nineteen (20 KB)
"You know, you could just *tell* me how your day went.""
Part Twenty (21 KB)
He'd accomplished things, been useful, and fulfilled a role that clearly no one else here could.
Part Twenty-One (26 KB)
The world was going to end. It was going to explode and he would feel every bit of it. Moreover, it would be his fault.
Part Twenty-Two (16 KB)
"You don't need my permission. Or, if you do, you've got it. Be not okay for as long as you want to."
Part Twenty-Three (14 KB)
"Are any of these *food*?"
Part Twenty-Four (19 KB)
"Teach me how to be you."
Part Twenty Five (19 KB)
Wesley wasn't certain he could ever become used to this.
Part Twenty-Six (30 KB)
Since he was a child Wesley had been trained for two jobs in life, one of which folded neatly into the other. First: to serve the one he was married to. Second: to run their household if it was required of him.
Part Twenty-Seven (24 KB)
Some nights Angel wondered if the old him would have liked this.
Part Twenty-Eight (20 KB)
"*He* can't celebrate. His vampire isn't coming home yet."
Part Twenty-Nine (19 KB)
At that point the questioner, who was typically male, would find the conversation to be too uncomfortable and he would clear excuses out of his throat and shuffle off to be elsewhere.
Part Thirty (18 KB)
"If I'm stuck here one more damn minute I'm going to kill somebody. Right now my vote's on you."
Part Thirty-One (17 KB)
This was a serious task. This was something he was trained for, beyond the usual sexual pleasures.
Part Thirty-Two (22 KB)
"Yeah, doesn't make sense the second time either."
Part Thirty-Three (28 KB)
"Well that's horrible. I mean with him and you and - and - and no, I don't get why that's horrible. Why is that horrible?"
Part Thirty-Four (24 KB)
"This is revenge, right?"
Part Thirty-Five (23 KB)
If cats got lovesick, then Hieronymus was a kitten who wrote soppy poetry in his spare time.
Part Thirty-Six (19 KB)
Which left Angel feeling as though he'd just been put in charge of babysitting Wesley, and that he'd just been told what to do by a kitten..
Part Thirty-Seven (22 KB)
"Okay, I know I'm selling this king thing on a strong handshake and a lot of innate charisma, but did I become a cardinal and nobody told me?"
Part Thirty-Eight (19 KB)
It was then Hieronymus realized that he was adopted.
Part Thirty-Nine (22 KB)
Children in training to be spouses played house, just as children not in training did.
Part Forty (32 KB)
"It's not often I get the chance to do magic."
Part Forty-One (29 KB)
"You know how it goes. It only hurts when I walk... or stand, or sit. Luckily jiggling it when I breathe isn't so much of a problem."
Part Forty-Two (24 KB)
"Why is Angel not wearing a tux? We were told to wear tuxes. Why do I have to spend the entire night in this monkey costume if Angel doesn't?"
Part Forty-Three (28 KB)
"I don't like him. Am I allowed to not like him?"
Part Forty-Four (32 KB)
"You know the scary thing is that I can't tell if you're making that up."
Part Forty-Five (26 KB)
"I guess - I dunno - I suppose it's normal for your folks to get old and hurt and stuff but... he's my *dad.* I can't picture my dad getting hurt, you know?"
Charity Fic One (26 KB)
They didn't have a proper good-bye.
Charity Fic Two (23 KB)
Lorne wasn't bothered by the Council per se.
Charity Fic Three (20 KB)
Motherhood was a new role for Hieronymus to fulfill, and he very much did not want to be bad at it.
Charity Fic Four (20 KB)
Stupid Spike. Stupid vampires and their stupid fake family trees which created stupid senses of obligation between Xander and a dead guy who had really stupid hair.