To: Wesley
From: Spike

> And here am I using my mouth in new ways as well.

Mmmmm. So Angel said.

> So you missed the secret stash of pornography?

The WHAT??!? I certainly did. Are you yanking my chain? If you knew how
bored I was in that place...

> Oh no. I wasn't.  I meant paternal in - well - in the same way that a
> Drishnar male can be considered paternal while eating its young.  In
> other words that he did what, for your species, passed - or in your case
> rather started - as normal for family relations, with perhaps an added
> flair for Angelus's nature.

Oh. yeah. Fair enough. He was that.

> And I suppose the phrase eating one's young still applies.

[grin] In several senses, yes. 

> > > No, I agree.  My feelings for him aside, there are times when it's
> > > quite pleasurable to think of striking him over the head with a
> > > hammer and seeing if it might not drive some sense into him.
> > 
> > I knew you were a sensible man, mate. Can't tell you how often I've
> > had that fantasy. Doubt it would work, though. Except for me, I mean. 
> 
> Knocking you over the head with a hammer?

Well, it might help with the chip, actually. But I meant knocking him over
the head with a hammer.

> I suspect Gunn's only concern would be that this is another vampire that
> we aren't killing.  He respects Angel in his own way and understands his
> circumstances, but does sometimes wonder how often we are going to bend
> the rules.  Meeting you would, I think, raise the question again, but
> not in an overly unpleasant way, I don't think.

No need to push the man's buttons. I'd as soon not arrive smoked anyway.

> > > Angel, at the time, had his head stuck somewhere private.
> > 
> > No doubt. Is it out yet?
> 
> I'm still checking.

Lemme know.

> > > Plus there is the fact that he cared for her.  And her human body -
> > > and restored soul - made him even more sympathetic to her plight.  I
> > > must say that while I disagree strongly with the methods that he
> > > choose and the extents to which he took them, I cannot blame him for
> > > the intentions, however much they did pave the familiar road to
> > > Hell.
> > 
> > Yeah, I was tryin' not to mention that bit. It doesn't bother you?
> 
> What?

Um, that he cared for her.

> > > Not exactly.  To begin with he had tumbled to an all-time low,
> > > culminating in the moment that he slept with Darla. 
> > 
> > He what?!? 
> 
> Slept with Darla.  
> 
> > Somehow I missed this bit in the conversation that would not
> > die. 
> 
> Oddly enough, Angel and I felt no need to mention it.

I should bloody well think not. We'd all still be there.

> > I thought his first time since the, uh, Angelus Incident was with you.
> > 
> 
> No.  It was with her.  Which is why Angel now has something akin to
> proof of his theory that sex does not necessarily equal perfect
> happiness (which on the whole is an idea which I can support).  Of
> course prior to this it was only a theory on his part.  Actually
> sleeping with Darla proved it true - or at least proved that sex could
> be had without his soul automatically leaving.

I can see that. Otherwise wouldn't he turn every time he jerked off? Don't
know what it proves about you, though, pet. I mean, so far as I can tell,
he didn't even like her anymore -- if he considers fucking her to be rock
bottom. He likes you a whole hell of a lot.

> Angel doesn't talk about it much, other than to admit his error.  I
> suspect that some things may have changed, though.

Yeah well, whatever. I don't plan on seein' her any time soon.

> Forgiving, and at the time conflicted.  Fortunately I had Cordy and Gunn
> to provide their own opinions as well.  Which is why, my own affections
> aside, we agreed that we would not work for Angel again, but he could be
> given the chance to work for us.

Fair enough. Got to admit it'd be almost worth it to come during the day
just to see him taking orders.

> > Yeah, I suppose I can see where that might make a difference. 
> > Although it didn't work as well for me as you might think. 
> 
> Sunnydale has many shades of black and white.

Gettin' grayer all the time, with yours truly to muddy the waters. But it
takes a while.

> > That makes sense. His explanation was so short it was bloody
> > incomprehensible, but hey, whatever works. I wasn't about to push it. 
> 
> Oh? What did he say?

That you were good at it (running the company, that is.) I said I was sure
you were, but wasn't he? And he said no. End of subject.

> > > No wonder Angel felt such a flash of recognition when he heard about
> > > it.
> > 
> > Flash of recognition? Dawn said it was more like a laughing fit.
> 
> I was attempting to be tactful.

No need. I've known Angel a long time. Its more encouraging than anything
else to see him experiencing such an unpriggish emotion as glee at my
downfall. And it really is his turn.

> > Well, yeah, there's that. Plus fighting is fun. Who you're fighting
> > doesn't make all that much difference when you're in the thick of it. 
> 
> Exactly.

Wish I could convince the Slayer of that. She seems to think the second
she admits she's having a good time, she's going to turn into Faith.

> Not a problem as such, just possibly distracting.  Since you've said
> that you don't mind coming after office hours, then Angel's hotel or my
> own flat suggest themselves as ideal locations.  But if you are
> interested in perhaps meeting people about town to converse with, we may
> wish a side-trip to Caritas, provided Angel doesn't have to sing.

As far as I'm concerned, pet, Angel *never* has to sing. What _are_ you
talking about? I'm happy to go to Caritas and have a drink or two, I'm
happy to come straight (so to speak) to your place or Angel's or whereever
you want me.

> > Its your local
> > pub, not mine. besides -- to be blunt, I've got every incentive to
> > keep on his good side just now, if I'm ever to get the chance to touch
> > you again. 
> 
> Then I think you really should behave yourself.

Can't behave myself *too* much, or he'd think I was up to something for
sure and never let me near you. Gotta walk that line. Besides, its fun.

> > > I see.  Enjoyable it is, then.  With perhaps an addition of quite
> > > pleasant.
> > 
> > Good to know. Because you were quite pleasant too. Bloody
> > intoxicating, in fact.
> 
> And here I thought it was the scotch.

Half a bottle? Sober as a judge, pet, give you my word. At least until I
touched you. Don't know quite what happened there -- I must have gone a
little mad. But I'm glad I did.

> > I do. But I still wanna know why and how you two got blood in the
> > keyboard.
> 
> You'll recall I mentioned Angel being taught how to use the computer?

Oh yeah. That could get ugly.

> Precisely!  If they and he are essentially fighting the same cause then
> why waste the resources trying to kill him now?
> 
> > That's good. Can't help worrying about the bleeding git sometimes --
> > and don't bloody tell him that either. 
> 
> I'm recalling something someone told me about bribery...

You're evil. Well, no, that's me. But you do learn fast. What did you have
in mind, pet? We might be able to work something out...

> Yes. It's something I've needed to prepare for.

Practical preparation, I hope, not spiritual.

> > Art, yes. I remember him sitting and sketching as ... well, never
> > mind.

> Oh no. Do go on.

It involved me, Dru, and three young mortal boys. In a barn. Near Berlin.
Are you sure you want to hear this, Wesley? None of them left alive,
though we tried to pack a life's worth of pleasure into that one night.

> > But singing? That's new.
> 
> Unfortunately.

Oh dear.

> > > There is that.  But no, he and I spoke last night and he was
> > > actually rather encouraging.
> > 
> > Oh. Good. Was he? Should I be pleased or worried?
> 
> I think you should be quite pleased. 

Well I am, then. Very. And eager. And just the tiniest bit nervous, as
long as we're speaking honestly. I'm conceited enough to think I made a
decent first impression; hope I can live up to it without all the props
and ambiance.

> > Oh I see. But why would he do that? Nasty piece of work for a friend
> > to pull.
> 
> My thoughts exactly.  I'd honestly thought he'd become Angelus again.
> Seemed the only reasonable explanation.  Turned out he wasn't even aware
> he was doing it.  Or rather, he was aware of the actions, but not what
> they were doing to me.  Part of his head being in his backside.  

yeah, that can happen with him.

> > Probably fumigated it after. 
> 
> Or set it on fire. 

I rather hope so. Maybe I can manage to visit more of their installations
-- set them back years, that would.

> > Um, when he's angry. Or hungry. Or horny. Strong emotions tend to
> > bring it out, especially aggressive ones. 
> 
> I see.  Well... he did on the night he nearly drank from me.  So there's
> *that* emotion down.

Though I wouldn't, from your description, say that either of you was
comfortable with it.

> >From what I know of him, I think he's become more used to his vampire 
> nature than before.  But the process is still ongoing.  Prior to all
> this he lived alone, barely surviving.  He's really had only about five
> years to try to come to terms with being "alive" again, let alone doing
> so around human company.

He's had a hundred and five. He may not have made much use of them, but
there they were.

> > I see what you mean, pet. (Though if you were really devil's advocate
> > shouldn't you be on my side?)
> 
> Because of his name. Yes. I get that.  Very funny.

That and the whole evil thing.

> > but speakin' personally I don't care
> > about normal. Don't believe in it anyway. But how about, for lack of a
> > better word, well-adjusted. Does he seem comfortable with who he is,
> > with what he is? In short, can he say what you said to me, that he is
> > where he wants to be. 
> 
> Ah, yes this makes sense.  In which case we're still working on it.

[nods] It'll take a while. It'll take longer if, thanks to that prophecy,
he quits trying for it, in favor of just waiting to get shut of all this
vampire business. If he's lost sight of that, it might be just as well.
And not only for me.

> > > It's times like this which make me feel sorry for him.  And you as
> > > well, now.
> > 
> > Don't, Wesley. That's my job. Besides, while I can't honestly say this
> > is anywhere I wanted to be, there are things I wouldn't trade. 
> 
> I can still care.

Of course you can, pet, but why would you want to? Not much of a point
really in bothering yourself about me. I get by. But I am... touched. And
surprised. And babbling, apparently. I'm gonna go have a cigarette now.
But... thanks.

S.

***

To: Spike
From: Wesley


> > And here am I using my mouth in new ways as well.
> 
> Mmmmm. So Angel said.

This doesn't have to be something you hear of second-hand.

> > So you missed the secret stash of pornography?
> 
> The WHAT??!? I certainly did. Are you yanking my chain? If you knew how
> bored I was in that place... 

Well - illustrated guide to demon mating rituals.  Seemed risque, back in
my university days.  Feel free to ask Rupert about it.

> > And I suppose the phrase eating one's young still applies.
> 
> [grin] In several senses, yes. 

Angel mentioned that.

> > > Yeah, I was tryin' not to mention that bit. It doesn't bother you?
> > 
> > What?
> 
> Um, that he cared for her.

Oh.  No.  Not really. It bothered me that he was becoming obsessed 
about it, and that for it he turned his back on the cause, but the actual
caring - well who can fault anyone for their affections?   He and Darla
had over a century of history together.  Understandable he would still be
affected by her. 

Besides, she has brought about one of the few things which I can be 
grateful for. Which does not mitigate the rest of what happened, but does
ease any potential jealousy problems.  To be frank, he slept with her
then, finding himself still with a soul, came directly to me.  Settles
that matter, in some ways.

> > Oddly enough, Angel and I felt no need to mention it.
> 
> I should bloody well think not. We'd all still be there.

Or Rupert would have tried shoving him in that damned box.

> I can see that. Otherwise wouldn't he turn every time he jerked off?

Precisely!  Even before I cared for Angel, I always felt it was foolish to
think it had been sex which did the deed, as it were.  Rather narrow
minded to think that sex would equal perfect happiness.

> Don't know what it proves about you, though, pet. 

Is this where I make use of that walkman you promised?

Honestly, though... well, we don't know. Angel has his theory. I have
mine.  Never the twain shall meet.

> I mean, so far as I
> can tell, he didn't even like her anymore -- if he considers fucking her
> to be rock bottom. 

This seems to be true on all counts.

> He likes you a whole hell of a lot. 

I hope so.  I mean - I know he cares for me.  But I am still becoming used
to the idea that those emotions are not going to go away.

> Fair enough. Got to admit it'd be almost worth it to come during the day
> just to see him taking orders. 

There's not as much of that as before.  Cordy had him doing a great 
deal of grunt work when he first returned, since she had every right to
mete out a harsher punishment to him than the rest of us.  But these days
we have settled into something more like teamwork, while it is understood
that I keep on top of things and call a great deal of the shots.  Or at
least delegate the work wisely.

> > Sunnydale has many shades of black and white.
> 
> Gettin' grayer all the time, with yours truly to muddy the waters. But
> it takes a while. 

Good luck.

> > Oh? What did he say?
> 
> That you were good at it (running the company, that is.) I said I was
> sure you were, but wasn't he? And he said no. End of subject. 

Yes, that sounds like him.

> > I was attempting to be tactful.
> 
> No need. I've known Angel a long time. Its more encouraging than
> anything else to see him experiencing such an unpriggish emotion as glee
> at my downfall. And it really is his turn. 

I got the impression he rather felt that way about Darla too - that he had
gotten... not revenge - perhaps justification?  A final dose of karma? 
That Darla now knew what it was like to be burdened with a soul.  Of
course being changed into a vampire once again by Drusilla put an end to
all that.

> Wish I could convince the Slayer of that. She seems to think the second
> she admits she's having a good time, she's going to turn into Faith. 

Faith was a troubled girl with many problems. And I can't say I'm terribly
sorry that right now she is in prison.  But if Buffy had a failing - for
whatever my own observations are worth, given how little I was privy to -
it is that she only thought that she connected her ideas with her
emotions.  

> As far as I'm concerned, pet, Angel *never* has to sing. What _are_ you
> talking about? I'm happy to go to Caritas and have a drink or two, I'm
> happy to come straight (so to speak) to your place or Angel's or
> whereever you want me. 

If you're not looking for a social scene, then the hotel or my place seem
to be ideal.  I - I suppose this might be something to talk about with
Angel.  He did express an interest.

> > And here I thought it was the scotch.
> 
> Half a bottle? Sober as a judge, pet, give you my word. At least until I
> touched you. Don't know quite what happened there -- I must have gone a
> little mad. But I'm glad I did. 

As am I.  

> > I'm recalling something someone told me about bribery...
> 
> You're evil. Well, no, that's me. But you do learn fast. What did you
> have in mind, pet? We might be able to work something out... 

Depends on what happens when you get here.

> > Yes. It's something I've needed to prepare for.
> 
> Practical preparation, I hope, not spiritual.

Why not both?

> It involved me, Dru, and three young mortal boys. In a barn. Near
> Berlin. Are you sure you want to hear this, Wesley? None of them left
> alive, though we tried to pack a life's worth of pleasure into that one
> night. 

He - he told me a bit about that.  You and he doing things like that
together.  Didn't mention the sketching though.

> Well I am, then. Very. And eager. And just the tiniest bit nervous, as
> long as we're speaking honestly. I'm conceited enough to think I made a
> decent first impression; hope I can live up to it without all the props
> and ambiance. 

I'm afraid neither my apartment nor Angel's hotel has that death-like
ambiance.  Props, though, wouldn't be in short supply, depending on what
you needed.

And... I don't know if this would affect your nerve problem, but Angel did
express interest in instructing.

> > I see.  Well... he did on the night he nearly drank from me.  So
> > there's *that* emotion down.
> 
> Though I wouldn't, from your description, say that either of you was
> comfortable with it. 

Frankly, it terrified him.  Took all that I had to calm him down, get him
to touch me again.

As for myself - I'm not stupid.  If not for his control he could have
killed me.  I'm aware of that.

> > >From what I know of him, I think he's become more used to his vampire
> > >
> > nature than before.  But the process is still ongoing.  Prior to all
> > this he lived alone, barely surviving.  He's really had only about
> > five years to try to come to terms with being "alive" again, let alone
> > doing so around human company.
> 
> He's had a hundred and five. He may not have made much use of them, but
> there they were. 

But it's only been the past few years that he's made the attempt, is my
point.

> Of course you can, pet, but why would you want to?

I'm one of the few mortals who now appreciates a vampire's perspective?

Besides, not to bruise your evil ego, Spike but - sheer chronology tells
me that Angel committed more crimes than you, your killing of two Slayers
aside.  How on earth could I sit here and feel for Angel, while at the
same time saying that you were not allowed at least the same attempt at
understanding?  

Wesley

***

To: Angel
From: Spike

> I live to inspire you.

And you wonder why I keep, er, popping up.

> Funny thing is I had no fucking idea he knew how to *use* it. "Pointy
> end goes that way" - yeah, but I knocked it out of his hands easily
> enough.  I think he was just surprised as shit to see *me* of all
> people.  Wasn't until much later I find out he's got a sight like a
> damned eagle.  Could've nailed me - you know what I mean - from two
> rooms over if he wanted to.

Really? *More* hidden depths? Shit, Angel, he studied everything in
college except actual rocket science. When does he breathe?

> Nah. Wouldn't do that to Cordy.

She might like it... but you know her better than me. Which is to say at
all.

> Ok, get this.  And don't you *dare* fucking tell him I told you.

Not a word.

  But there 
> he is, helping me with a case, persistant as all Hell 'cause it's *his*
> demon he's hunting (there's a long story here, I'll spare ya).  Short of
> it is that I really didn't want somebody new hanging around but damn if
> I just can't help it.  I mean he's kinda cute, there's that accent thing
> - have I mentioned the lips?

No, but I noticed them all by myself. Probably because he keeps licking
them every two seconds. Does he *know* how tempting that is?

> Plus he's just been kicked in the groin, you know?  Watcher's Council
> rode him hard, fuck knows what his family put him through when they
> heard the news, he's hanging out here in the good ol' U.S. of A instead
> of figuring a way home - it's not good.  
> 
> Yeah, I know, ok.  You're seeing this from a fucking mile away - I'm
> falling for him and I don't even know it yet.  How the hell was I
> *supposed* to know?  I was still too busy trying to figure out Buffy. 
> I'm supposed to notice that I can't stop thinking about Wes?  Figured I
> was just brooding over his general well-being, same as Cordy.  I just
> lost the *last* guy who had Wes's job - seemed like a good idea *to*
> worry about him.
> 
> 'course the better thing would have probably been not to *give* him the
> job, given what happened with Doyle, but again - here's me unaware that
> I'm falling for him.

That and you *can't* keep people wrapped up in cotton wool. What's he
supposed to do with all that demon know-how? Plant tulips?

> Anyway - case is over, good guys won (or as much as we ever do), and Wes
> is packing up his stuff, ready to hit the road, feeling, you can tell,
> like ten kinds of shit about it.  So I tell him to stay.  He's got this
> look of gratitude in his eyes that just fucking *floors* me.  Like who
> knew I could make him feel like that? Just by asking him to hang around?
>  Damn near kissed him just for that.  Didn't. Figured I'd lost my
> fucking mind.  Told him no biggie and hey let's all sit down to
> breakfast.
> 
> Then get this.  He's working for me now.  Meaning I'm giving him a
> paycheck.  He starts - and to this *day* I still don't know what he was
> thinking - ... Hell, not even sure how to put it.  
> 
> Ok. Picture this. You've fucked him already. You had him panting and
> saying your name. You *know* how hot that is.  Now get this mental image
> - "Yes, sir, Angel." "As you wish, Angel." "I am your faithful servant,
> Angel."  To my *face* he's saying this.

Oh bloody hell. I'm more amazed than ever you didn't take him then and
there. Have you *asked* him what he was thinking? *If* he was thinking?
Maybe he was just as bowled over by you as you were by him, and didn't
know what the hell to do about it.

> And I'm thinking - ok, first off, thinking is getting *real* hard, as
> are other parts of me.  But I'm thinking if he keeps this up it's gonna
> get real difficult keeping my hands off him and the curse in line.  And
> like I said - I don't even know *why* he did it, just that he's
> following me around and calling me boss and saying he'll do anything I
> tell him to.  But he kept doing that for a while there, and Cordy damn
> near got a lesson in what I look like if you get me hot and bothered
> enough.  

I can imagine. Hell, I am imagining.

> 'course the fucking Hell of it is he had *no* idea.  I mean after a
> while I figure - ok, he's into guys, he's jerking my chain a little,
> maybe even a flirting thing with no intentions of a followup.  But nope.
>  He had no clue. 
>  He was just doing it for whatever reason he's doing it, and I spend a 
> year doing cold showers and exploring whether or not I can get rid of
> the curse at my own hand.

I wouldn't know anything about that. I think the Y is about to give me a
frequent flyer card.

> Imagine the kind of shit *I* felt when I find out later he didn't even
> know he was into guys.  Good thing for a little willpower.  Horny,
> damn-near Angelus ain't exactly the way to find that out.  Not for Wes,
> anyway.

It had its points, luv. But I do know what you mean. No reason for you to
feel like shit though. You didn't know. You couldn't have known. And you
didn't do anything.

> You kidding?  Not unless I get into show biz.

I figured that was probably next.

> Wes is pretty good about that. Sometimes he grabs the wrong end of the
> stick - you know, wear a sweater 'cause it's cold, that kind of thing -
> but he means well.  And I kinda like it.

And who's gonna argue with that. Besides, if you don't wear a sweater when
its cold, you probably freeze the shit out of him when he touches you.

> Well you get the secondhand smoke thing.  I try not to do it around Wes
> just for that reason.

Um, you guys live in Smog City. Do you really think its gonna make a
difference?

> She knows.  They busted it out when they were trying to get Faith. 
> Tried shooting her, Faith, me and Wes.  Fun night.

Yeah. Sounds it.

> Well they tried once.  I'm figuring they're open to trying again.  Guess
> the "no humans" clause doesn't apply to the humans they don't like.

Didn't know they had one in the first place, so nothing to unlearn there.

> Wasn't.

> Well since I wasn't exactly dating Wes at the time and Darla was one of
> the people I was trying to kill, it kinda cut down on the social
> calendar.

I can see that.

> > Or if you didn't think it was a good time, why did you
> > do it? 

> Had to.

Believe me, I appreciate you shutting up as much as the next guy as a
general thing, but this one word shit isn't telling me a lot. So I'm gonna
drop it. If you want to talk about it, I'm here. Where the hell else would
I be?

> > And why not keep the people around who would try to stop you?
> 
> There's a question that answers itself.

Um, given the "had to", yes. Otherwise, not really. If I don't want to do
something, having people around to help me not do it makes sense.

> No, but I could've hurt him. Or gotten him into it.  Better that I sent
> him away - all of 'em.

I spose. Did you tell them that?

> > Yeah. Hoping. Praying, even, if I thought it would make any
> > difference. How did you stand it, Angel? Knowing the risks she runs? 
> 
> Didn't. Don't.

[sigh] Sorry. Didn't mean to open the old wounds. But... if there's a
trick to it, I could really use it right about now.

--Spike

***

To: Spike
From: Angel

> And you wonder why I keep, er, popping up.

Yep.

> Really? *More* hidden depths? Shit, Angel, he studied everything in
> college except actual rocket science. When does he breathe? 

He lives for it, though.  I don't think he wanted to go the full-on
scholar route, but he's completely in his element when you get him around
a pile of books.  It's just he's also in his element if you give him a
crossbow and ask him to have your back in a fight.  Part of why he's good
at being in charge of it all now.

> > Nah. Wouldn't do that to Cordy.
> 
> She might like it... 

Let's not have anymore comments like that, k?

> > have I mentioned the lips?
> 
> No, but I noticed them all by myself. Probably because he keeps licking
> them every two seconds. Does he *know* how tempting that is? 

Don't think so.  Not about to discourage him.

> > 'course the better thing would have probably been not to *give* him
> > the job, given what happened with Doyle, but again - here's me unaware
> > that I'm falling for him.
> 
> That and you *can't* keep people wrapped up in cotton wool. What's he
> supposed to do with all that demon know-how? Plant tulips? 

Yeah. Think that's why he was trying the whole demon-hunter thing to start
with.  He just couldn't do it alone.  

> > Ok. Picture this. You've fucked him already. You had him panting and
> > saying your name. You *know* how hot that is.  Now get this mental
> > image - "Yes, sir, Angel." "As you wish, Angel." "I am your faithful
> > servant, Angel."  To my *face* he's saying this.
> 
> Oh bloody hell.

Tell me about it.

>  I'm more amazed than ever you didn't take him then and there. 

I know.  Especially with that look in his eyes.

> Have you *asked* him what he was thinking? *If* he was thinking?

Not yet.  Might do it one of these days.  He already knows I thought he
was into guys before he did.  Wouldn't be too hard to point out that this
is part of the reason why. Just need the right moment. Don't want to scare
him.  

> Maybe
> he was just as bowled over by you as you were by him, and didn't know
> what the hell to do about it.

Cordy just figured he was trying to suck up, so to speak. Which made a
kind of sense - he was still reeling over the being fired thing.  Totally
freaked when he messed up on our first real case together and thought *I*
was going to fire him.  When I told him I wasn't he busted out with that
faithful servant thing.  Probably at the time just meant it in big,
heterosexual gratitude.

> > Imagine the kind of shit *I* felt when I find out later he didn't even
> > know he was into guys.  Good thing for a little willpower.  Horny,
> > damn-near Angelus ain't exactly the way to find that out.  Not for
> > Wes, anyway.
> 
> It had its points, luv. But I do know what you mean. 

Yeah.  Not saying it didn't work as a good method for *you*, just that
wouldn't have worked with Wes.

Well - hell. Who knows?  But not for what I want with him.  This is more
than a fuck.  He gets the rough stuff from me, it'll be because he *knows*
how much I fucking care about him, not when he might think I was only
doing it to get my rocks off and who gives a shit about *his* feelings.

> No reason for you
> to feel like shit though. You didn't know. You couldn't have known. And
> you didn't do anything. 

Lucky for me.

> And who's gonna argue with that. Besides, if you don't wear a sweater
> when its cold, you probably freeze the shit out of him when he touches
> you. 

Exactly.  

> > Well you get the secondhand smoke thing.  I try not to do it around
> > Wes just for that reason.
> 
> Um, you guys live in Smog City. Do you really think its gonna make a
> difference?

Eh. He worries about me being cold, I worry about him breathing my 
smoke.  Can't help it.

> > Well they tried once.  I'm figuring they're open to trying again. 
> > Guess the "no humans" clause doesn't apply to the humans they don't
> > like.
> 
> Didn't know they had one in the first place, so nothing to unlearn
> there.

In theory, yeah.  That's why Faith freaked them so much the first time.
Not only was she helping the mayor, but she killed a human too. 
Supposedly that's against their code. 'cept that was nowhere in sight when
we met them last year.

> > Had to.
> 
> Believe me, I appreciate you shutting up as much as the next guy as a
> general thing, but this one word shit isn't telling me a lot. So I'm
> gonna drop it. If you want to talk about it, I'm here. Where the hell
> else would I be? 

What do you want me to say?  That it was fun?  That having my head 
messed with was *my* idea of a good time?  

> > No, but I could've hurt him. Or gotten him into it.  Better that I
> > sent him away - all of 'em.
> 
> I spose. Did you tell them that?

Yeah.  Still telling 'em.

> [sigh] Sorry. Didn't mean to open the old wounds. But... if there's a
> trick to it, I could really use it right about now. 

Wish I had one for ya.  But I don't.  Remember, you're talking to the guy
who lives in Los Angeles.

A.

***

To: Wesley
From: Spike

> > > And here am I using my mouth in new ways as well.
> > 
> > Mmmmm. So Angel said.
> 
> This doesn't have to be something you hear of second-hand.

And I can't wait to experience it first hand. But in the meantime, I like
hearing about it. From both of you.

> > > So you missed the secret stash of pornography?
> > 
> > The WHAT??!? I certainly did. Are you yanking my chain? If you knew
> > how bored I was in that place... 
> 
> Well - illustrated guide to demon mating rituals.  Seemed risque, back
> in my university days.  Feel free to ask Rupert about it.

Would have been a pleasant sight by day three of that ruddy trip, I can
tell you that. And I think I will ask Giles -- if only to see his face.

> > > And I suppose the phrase eating one's young still applies.
> > 
> > [grin] In several senses, yes. 
> 
> Angel mentioned that.

Does it .. bother you? I'm sorry I seem to keep asking that, I never seem
to know when I'm crossin' the line again.

> Oh.  No.  Not really. It bothered me that he was becoming obsessed about
> it, and that for it he turned his back on the cause, but the actual
> caring - well who can fault anyone for their affections?   He and Darla
> had over a century of history together.  Understandable he would still
> be affected by her. 

Understandable, yes. Don't know as that would change my feelings any. Not
that you've any reason to be jealous of Darla. Just that I wish my
emotions were as rational as yours seem to be.

> Besides, she has brought about one of the few things which I can be
> grateful for. Which does not mitigate the rest of what happened, but
> does ease any potential jealousy problems.  To be frank, he slept with
> her then, finding himself still with a soul, came directly to me. 
> Settles that matter, in some ways.

Now this I get. Winning heals a hell of a lot of ills.

> Or Rupert would have tried shoving him in that damned box.

And then I would have been stuck with him back and Sunnydale, and Buffy
would have been feeding *him* from the damned Kiss the Librarian mug,
and... definitely for the best all round.

> Is this where I make use of that walkman you promised?

Sorry. I'm done. It's just... I didn't know you then. Rather easier to be
academic about it. I'd rather not see you hurt. Must be getting senile in
my old age.

> Honestly, though... well, we don't know. Angel has his theory. I have
> mine.  Never the twain shall meet.

Fair enough. Just be careful.

> > He likes you a whole hell of a lot. 
> 
> I hope so.  I mean - I know he cares for me.  But I am still becoming
> used to the idea that those emotions are not going to go away.

Angel has his faults (and I'll be happy to name them if you've got a day
or two to spare), but he's never been fickle. He cared for Darla till she
threw him out and after, and Dru in her way. And Buffy. Why on earth would
he stop caring for you? You can't possibly have a deep dark secret in your
past as bad as the ones in his.

> There's not as much of that as before.  Cordy had him doing a great deal
> of grunt work when he first returned, since she had every right to mete
> out a harsher punishment to him than the rest of us. 

Why? Wait, never mind, I don't care. Unless you care to tell me.

 But these 
> days we have settled into something more like teamwork, while it is
> understood that I keep on top of things and call a great deal of the
> shots.  Or at least delegate the work wisely.

Sounds a sensible arrangement to me.

> > > Sunnydale has many shades of black and white.
> > 
> > Gettin' grayer all the time, with yours truly to muddy the waters. But
> > it takes a while. 
> 
> Good luck.

Thanks. I'll need it.

> Yes, that sounds like him.

Terse? Yeah.

> I got the impression he rather felt that way about Darla too - that he
> had gotten... not revenge - perhaps justification?  A final dose of
> karma?  That Darla now knew what it was like to be burdened with a soul.
>  Of course being changed into a vampire once again by Drusilla put an
> end to all that.

Well, yeah. I doubt my theoretical soul is givin' him a lot of
satisfaction, since it doesn't come with the one ton bonus load of guilt
for the same bargain price. The first one did. Or I guess that would be
the second one. The one from Red's curse. 

> > Wish I could convince the Slayer of that. She seems to think the
> > second she admits she's having a good time, she's going to turn into
> > Faith. 
> 
> Faith was a troubled girl with many problems. And I can't say I'm
> terribly sorry that right now she is in prison.  But if Buffy had a
> failing - for whatever my own observations are worth, given how little I
> was privy to - it is that she only thought that she connected her ideas
> with her emotions.  

Could you tell me a bit more about this? I think it might be very helpful
if I understood it a bit better.

> If you're not looking for a social scene, then the hotel or my place
> seem to be ideal.  I - I suppose this might be something to talk about
> with Angel.  He did express an interest.

Pet, you know what I'm looking for. And I doubt you'd give it to me in a
bar. At least, not yet. I'll talk to Angel.

> > > And here I thought it was the scotch.
> > 
> > Half a bottle? Sober as a judge, pet, give you my word. At least until
> > I touched you. Don't know quite what happened there -- I must have
> > gone a little mad. But I'm glad I did. 
> 
> As am I.  

Sometimes madness is its own reward.

> > > I'm recalling something someone told me about bribery...
> > 
> > You're evil. Well, no, that's me. But you do learn fast. What did you
> > have in mind, pet? We might be able to work something out... 
> 
> Depends on what happens when you get here.

So you're just going to hold it over my head? That's not bribery. That's
blackmail. I knew I liked you.

> > > Yes. It's something I've needed to prepare for.
> > 
> > Practical preparation, I hope, not spiritual.
> 
> Why not both?

Meaning, preparation not to let him kill you. As opposed to preparation
for being killed.

> > It involved me, Dru, and three young mortal boys. In a barn. Near
> > Berlin. Are you sure you want to hear this, Wesley? None of them left
> > alive, though we tried to pack a life's worth of pleasure into that
> > one night. 
> 
> He - he told me a bit about that.  You and he doing things like that
> together.  Didn't mention the sketching though.

He didn't always. Nor even usually. Said he liked the way we looked in the
firelight. They were strange pictures. Sometimes a massacre, sometimes an
orgy. In the end it was both, of course, but it was still strange not to
be able to tell them apart. 

> > Well I am, then. Very. And eager. And just the tiniest bit nervous, as
> > long as we're speaking honestly. I'm conceited enough to think I made
> > a decent first impression; hope I can live up to it without all the
> > props and ambiance. 

> I'm afraid neither my apartment nor Angel's hotel has that death-like
> ambiance.  Props, though, wouldn't be in short supply, depending on what
> you needed.

What do you have, pet? And what do you like? I have promised not to hurt
you, unless you ask.

> And... I don't know if this would affect your nerve problem, but Angel
> did express interest in instructing.

Nerve problem, no. More help versus more audience cancels out nicely.
Hormones? Hell, yes. I'll never get to sleep now, picturing that. Not that
I mind.

> Frankly, it terrified him.  Took all that I had to calm him down, get
> him to touch me again.

I can understand that. Too bad he can't borrow the chip for special
occasions. Don't suppose he could ever get to the point where it's normal?
Not turning you into a pincushion, if you don't care for it, but...
wanting to?

> As for myself - I'm not stupid.  If not for his control he could have
> killed me.  I'm aware of that.

Of course you are. Does it ... add to the thrill, at all?

> But it's only been the past few years that he's made the attempt, is my
> point.

True.

> > Of course you can, pet, but why would you want to?
> 
> I'm one of the few mortals who now appreciates a vampire's perspective?

I know. But I keep thinking you're going to strain yourself if this keeps
up. 

> Besides, not to bruise your evil ego, Spike but - sheer chronology tells
> me that Angel committed more crimes than you, your killing of two
> Slayers aside.  How on earth could I sit here and feel for Angel, while
> at the same time saying that you were not allowed at least the same
> attempt at understanding?  

Because you love him. Or because he has repented and I have not. Or
because you don't feel like it. I don't think I'm ever going to understand
this fairness thing. I'm not entitled to your compassion. If you choose to
give it to me, I will take it and be grateful. But just because you
understand and accept him doesn't mean you have to do either for me. He'd
be the first to tell you we're not the same at all. And, Wesley, you don't
have to like me to fuck me. At least not as far as I'm concerned. If you
don't care, if you don't try to understand, I will still be happy to touch
you, as long as I am allowed.

--Spike

***

To: Angel
From: Spike

> > And you wonder why I keep, er, popping up.
> 
> Yep.

Because, I was attempting to imply, you inspire me. A compliment, however
backhanded. But you don't do implications, do you? What could I have been
thinking?

> He lives for it, though.  I don't think he wanted to go the full-on
> scholar route, but he's completely in his element when you get him
> around a pile of books.  It's just he's also in his element if you give
> him a crossbow and ask him to have your back in a fight.  Part of why
> he's got at being in charge of it all now.

I can see that.

> Let's not have anymore comments like that, k?

Okay. Relax. No insult intended. I am trying, however hard this may be,
NOT to insult, offend, or otherwise argue with you here.

> > No, but I noticed them all by myself. Probably because he keeps
> > licking them every two seconds. Does he *know* how tempting that is? 
> 
> Don't think so.  Not about to discourage him.

I should think not.

> Yeah. Think that's why he was trying the whole demon-hunter thing to
> start with.  He just couldn't do it alone.  

Yeah. The alone thing, never a good plan.

> Not yet.  Might do it one of these days.  He already knows I thought he
> was into guys before he did.  Wouldn't be too hard to point out that
> this is part of the reason why. Just need the right moment. Don't want
> to scare him.  

Um, apparently he can do every damned thing in the book. And he loves you.
And he's obviously coping okay with the idea that you might turn into your
id at any moment and have him for supper. So how scary could it be to ask
him what he meant by something he said?

> Cordy just figured he was trying to suck up, so to speak. Which made a
> kind of sense - he was still reeling over the being fired thing. 
> Totally freaked when he messed up on our first real case together and
> thought *I* was going to fire him.  When I told him I wasn't he busted
> out with that faithful servant thing.  Probably at the time just meant
> it in big, heterosexual gratitude.

Possible. Or big homosexual gratitude. Or big bisexual gratitude. Or maybe
he's a secret submissive. Or all of the above.

> Yeah.  Not saying it didn't work as a good method for *you*, just that
> wouldn't have worked with Wes.

No, probably not. Especially since you would definitely have gone all
guilty and broody and disappeared on him just as he was starting to like
it.

> Well - hell. Who knows?  But not for what I want with him.  This is more
> than a fuck.  He gets the rough stuff from me, it'll be because he
> *knows* how much I fucking care about him, not when he might think I was
> only doing it to get my rocks off and who gives a shit about *his*
> feelings.

He knows, Angel. Bleeding hell, he knows you love him. He's just afraid
you might stop. I'm not sayin' start the rough stuff now -- or ever. I'm
not sayin' do anything different. I'm just sayin'.

> Eh. He worries about me being cold, I worry about him breathing my
> smoke.  Can't help it.

How sweet. I think I'm going to go get an insulin shot.

> > > Had to.
> > 
> > Believe me, I appreciate you shutting up as much as the next guy as a
> > general thing, but this one word shit isn't telling me a lot. So I'm
> > gonna drop it. If you want to talk about it, I'm here. Where the hell
> > else would I be? 
> 
> What do you want me to say?  That it was fun?  That having my head
> messed with was *my* idea of a good time?  

No. Angel, try to keep up here. I have NO IDEA what happened to you. I
have been living here in Sunnydale trying to keep the world from killing
Buffy and Buffy from killing me. If you don't want to tell me, that's
fine. But if you do want to tell me, tell me. Or at least give me some
kind of clue what questions to ask. Because I'm lost here.

> Wish I had one for ya.  But I don't.  Remember, you're talking to the
> guy who lives in Los Angeles.

And does that help? I could take it up. Except... she needs me, or so I
like to think. She needs some ground troups, anyway, and I got nothing
else to do.

S.

***

To: Spike
From: Wesley

> > This doesn't have to be something you hear of second-hand.
> 
> And I can't wait to experience it first hand. But in the meantime, I
> like hearing about it. From both of you. 

I'll think of ways to tell you.

> > Well - illustrated guide to demon mating rituals.  Seemed risque, back
> > in my university days.  Feel free to ask Rupert about it.
> 
> Would have been a pleasant sight by day three of that ruddy trip, I can
> tell you that. And I think I will ask Giles -- if only to see his face. 

Which was actually my hope.

> > Angel mentioned that.
> 
> Does it .. bother you? I'm sorry I seem to keep asking that, I never
> seem to know when I'm crossin' the line again. 

What you and Angel did or that Angel tells me of it? In either case the
answer is no.  I am not, of course, condoning the actions that your group
performed over the years but... living with Angel teaches you that current
behaviors count for a lot, particularly when the past cannot be changed.

> Understandable, yes. Don't know as
> that would change my feelings any. Not that you've any reason to be
> jealous of Darla. Just that I wish my emotions were as rational as yours
> seem to be. 

It was a completely out of control situation.  Darla was just a part of
it.   Rather like being in a hurricane but only complaning of the wind.

> > does ease any potential jealousy problems.  To be frank, he slept with
> > her then, finding himself still with a soul, came directly to me. 
> > Settles that matter, in some ways.
> 
> Now this I get. Winning heals a hell of a lot of ills.

Exactly.

> > Or Rupert would have tried shoving him in that damned box.
> 
> And then I would have been stuck with him back and Sunnydale, and Buffy
> would have been feeding *him* from the damned Kiss the Librarian mug,
> and... definitely for the best all round. 

Angel would have gone back to Sunnydale over my dead body, had it 
come to that.

> Sorry. I'm done. It's just... I didn't know you then. Rather easier to
> be academic about it. I'd rather not see you hurt. Must be getting
> senile in my old age. 

Angel's mind still seems sharp.

> Angel has his faults (and I'll be happy to name them if you've got a day
> or two to spare), but he's never been fickle. He cared for Darla till
> she threw him out and after, and Dru in her way. And Buffy. Why on earth
> would he stop caring for you? You can't possibly have a deep dark secret
> in your past as bad as the ones in his. 

I hadn't thought of it that way.  I suppose I keep waiting for the day
when it's announced that there was some great misunderstanding and he's
actually meant to be with someone else.

> > There's not as much of that as before.  Cordy had him doing a great
> > deal of grunt work when he first returned, since she had every right
> > to mete out a harsher punishment to him than the rest of us. 
> 
> Why? Wait, never mind, I don't care. Unless you care to tell me.

She suffers a great deal because of his destiny.  That alone is enough. 
For him to then turn his back on her while she did not, likewise, have
such a choice - frankly I think that's the worst thing that he did, out of
all of this.

> Well, yeah. I doubt my theoretical soul is givin' him a lot of
> satisfaction, since it doesn't come with the one ton bonus load of
> guilt for the same bargain price. The first one did. Or I guess that
> would be the second one. The one from Red's curse. 

I don't think he believes in your theoretical soul, and for that matter
neither do I.  

> > Faith was a troubled girl with many problems. And I can't say I'm
> > terribly sorry that right now she is in prison.  But if Buffy had a
> > failing - for whatever my own observations are worth, given how little
> > I was privy to - it is that she only thought that she connected her
> > ideas with her emotions.  
> 
> Could you tell me a bit more about this? I think it might be very
> helpful if I understood it a bit better. 

Well - again, I was fired as Buffy's Watcher for good reason.  But since
you've asked what I mean to say is that it always seemed to me as though
she acted with her heart first and foremost, and *claimed* that there was
reason behind it, when truly there was not.

Take Angel.  Of course I myself am very much on the side of protecting
Angel as much as possible, but when he returned to Sunnydale I got the
impression (based upon what little I overheard) that Buffy decided to help
him far too quickly.  And her help of him continued later, even when I was
there.  

Had she been asked about it there would be talk of redemption, 
forgiveness, and similar things - all ideas which I do support.  However
that isn't what she was truly thinking about it. She helped Angel because
she wanted to.  I don't mean this selfishly.  I mean in the sense that she
cared for him, and naturally wanted to help him.  

The problem, though, is that the rationalization that she would give for
this - and other impulsive actions - is the one she would claim to believe
in.  It's the right thing to do, we've got to save the town, we need to
help my friends.  But she didn't believe in it. Not really.  Again her
goals and impulses were still good, but they were not the same as the ones
she would speak of.

That is what I mean by a lack of connection.  Her feelings bore no 
relationship to her thoughts, but she believed that they did.

Bringing this back to the question you've given me, I would wonder if she
fears her own emotions now because of this very thing. Perhaps she does
know that she hasn't the set of moral guidelines that she claims to and
that is why she fears turning into Faith.  

How did you put it?  Good Slayers just jab things with sticks to protect
the city, only Bad Slayers have any fun.

> Pet, you know what I'm looking for. And I doubt you'd give it to me in a
> bar. At least, not yet. I'll talk to Angel. 

I wasn't sure if you wanted to make friends while you were in town. 
However if the goal is entirely personal, then no - not in a bar.

> > Depends on what happens when you get here.
> 
> So you're just going to hold it over my head? That's not bribery.
> That's blackmail. I knew I liked you. 

I learn fast.

> > Why not both?
> 
> Meaning, preparation not to let him kill you. As opposed to preparation
> for being killed. 

Ah, I see.  Yes, I've been doing a lot of that.

> He didn't always. Nor even usually. Said he liked the way we looked in
> the firelight. They were strange pictures. Sometimes a massacre,
> sometimes an orgy. In the end it was both, of course, but it was still
> strange not to be able to tell them apart. 

I've never seen much of his artwork, beyond the sketches that he drew of
Darla.

> > I'm afraid neither my apartment nor Angel's hotel has that death-like
> > ambiance.  Props, though, wouldn't be in short supply, depending on
> > what you needed.
> 
> What do you have, pet? And what do you like? I have promised not to hurt
> you, unless you ask. 

We've rammed ourselves right up against my ignorance, again. You said
ambiance, which made me think that having weaponry and other such items
might be what you'd like.  Props in the other sense, though, I don't know.

> > Frankly, it terrified him.  Took all that I had to calm him down, get
> > him to touch me again.
> 
> I can understand that. Too bad he can't borrow the chip for special
> occasions. Don't suppose he could ever get to the point where it's
> normal? Not turning you into a pincushion, if you don't care for it,
> but... wanting to? 

I think for Angel that was the problem - he very *much* wanted to.  He
kept moaning about my heart, and how he could hear it.  Then tried to get
me to leave the apartment before he lost control again.

> > As for myself - I'm not stupid.  If not for his control he could have
> > killed me.  I'm aware of that.
> 
> Of course you are. Does it ... add to the thrill, at all?

I - I haven't said this to anyone before but... yes.  Precisely because he
doesn't.  He has that strength, and that power, and could use it to cause
unimaginable harm to me, yet... he doesn't.  

I don't think he even knows how much I care for that.  Particularly when I
see him turn his yellow eyes upon anyone who might harm me.  It's...
intoxicating.

> > I'm one of the few mortals who now appreciates a vampire's
> > perspective?
> 
> I know. But I keep thinking you're going to strain yourself if this
> keeps up. 

I'm a former Watcher, in love with a vampire, sleeping with... well, now
two I suppose, and friends with an inadvertent psychic, a self-styled
vampire hunter, and an anagogic demon who runs a karaoke bar.  I think the
only thing left which could possibly strain me would be if my father sent
me a "you're doing well" card.

> > Besides, not to bruise your evil ego, Spike but - sheer chronology
> > tells me that Angel committed more crimes than you, your killing of
> > two Slayers aside.  How on earth could I sit here and feel for Angel,
> > while at the same time saying that you were not allowed at least the
> > same attempt at understanding?  
> 
> Because you love him. 

Quite true.

> Or because he has repented and I have not. 

But would you really act as you once did?  I know that were the chip to be
removed you and Angel would probably be neck and neck - so to speak - in
the manner in which you fought humans, but would you really be William the
Bloody again?  I don't by any means think that you would be a kitten or,
as you say, remorseful, but it seems at least that some of your ways have
changed.  

> Or because you don't feel like it. 

But I do.

> I don't think I'm ever going to
> understand this fairness thing. I'm not entitled to your compassion.

I do not mean it to sound as though I pitied you.

> If you choose to give it to me, I will take it and be grateful. But just
> because you understand and accept him doesn't mean you have to do either
> for me. He'd be the first to tell you we're not the same at all. 

That's not the point at all.  Because of Angel I am more aware of what
certain vampires can be like.  Of course, by no means have I slowed in my
attempts to help anyone I can, or to destroy those who are evil, but at
the same time I am not the kind of man who can be presented with any
random demon or vampire and be expected to automatically assume that they
must be destroyed.

> And, Wesley, you don't have to like me to fuck me. At least not as far
> as I'm concerned. If you don't care, if you don't try to understand, I
> will still be happy to touch you, as long as I am allowed. 

But what if I enjoy your company all the same?  Surprising as that 
sounds.

Wesley

***

To: Spike
From: Angel

> > > And you wonder why I keep, er, popping up.
> > 
> > Yep.
> 
> Because, I was attempting to imply, you inspire me. A compliment,
> however backhanded. But you don't do implications, do you? What could I
> have been thinking? 

Calm down, Spike.  I was agreeing with you.  Got the compliment.  Now
appreciating the "implications" irony.

> > Let's not have anymore comments like that, k?
> 
> Okay. Relax. No insult intended. I am trying, however hard this may be,
> NOT to insult, offend, or otherwise argue with you here. 

Got it. And I'm trying to let you know how not to do that. So now you know
- Cordy's off limits. Totally.

> > Yeah. Think that's why he was trying the whole demon-hunter thing to
> > start with.  He just couldn't do it alone.  
> 
> Yeah. The alone thing, never a good plan.

That another one of those implications?

> Um, apparently he can do every damned thing in the book. And he loves
> you. And he's obviously coping okay with the idea that you might turn
> into your id at any moment and have him for supper. So how scary could
> it be to ask him what he meant by something he said? 

Dunno. Just don't want him freaking and thinking he was being so 
obvious back when he might have thought he was being suave.  Kinda 
protective of his ego.

> > Cordy just figured he was trying to suck up, so to speak. Which made a
> > kind of sense - he was still reeling over the being fired thing. 
> > Totally freaked when he messed up on our first real case together and
> > thought *I* was going to fire him.  When I told him I wasn't he busted
> > out with that faithful servant thing.  Probably at the time just meant
> > it in big, heterosexual gratitude.
> 
> Possible. Or big homosexual gratitude. Or big bisexual gratitude. Or
> maybe he's a secret submissive. Or all of the above. 

Well he's definitely pro-guys now, that much is certain.  Dunno if he's
given up on women yet.  He had a girlfriend not too long ago he seemed to
be into, but he swears it didn't really mean that much.  Know he slept
around a bit - you know, the one night stand thing - again with girls but
again who knows if he's still interested in that. Says he's not. No point
in not believing him.

Him doing that on a regular basis, though... damn.  Probably best he's in
charge now.  We'd never get any work done if he kept calling me boss at
the office these days.

> He knows, Angel. Bleeding hell, he knows you love him. He's just afraid
> you might stop. 

What? Loving him?

> > Eh. He worries about me being cold, I worry about him breathing my
> > smoke.  Can't help it.
> 
> How sweet. I think I'm going to go get an insulin shot.

I could suggest where to put it.

> > What do you want me to say?  That it was fun?  That having my head
> > messed with was *my* idea of a good time?  
> 
> No. Angel, try to keep up here. I have NO IDEA what happened to you. I
> have been living here in Sunnydale trying to keep the world from killing
> Buffy and Buffy from killing me. If you don't want to tell me, that's
> fine. But if you do want to tell me, tell me. Or at least give me some
> kind of clue what questions to ask. Because I'm lost here. 

Christ.  Ok.  Got it.  Didn't know.  Figured maybe Dru or somebody told
you the half of it.

Um - long story.  Darla back from the dead (which you knew), fucking with
*my* head because, you know, she's supposed to be DEAD 'cept she isn't,
then she's *human*...

She was sick. Tried to save her.  Didn't.  Dru turned her.  Tried to kill
'em both. Didn't do that either.  Tried going back to the source of all
this fun, fucked *that* up too.  Tried going back to Hell and *that* got
fucked over.  Came back. Slept with Darla.  Realized I actually fucked
myself with that one.  Kicked her out. Told her she's dead next time I see
her.  Went crawling back to Wes and everybody.  Trying to make it up to
them.  Here we are.

> > Wish I had one for ya.  But I don't.  Remember, you're talking to the
> > guy who lives in Los Angeles.
> 
> And does that help?

Not really.

> I could take it up. Except... she needs me, or so I like to think. She
> needs some ground troups, anyway, and I got nothing else to do. 

She could always use somebody who's got more than mortal abilities. 
This from a guy who knows.  

But beyond that... what do ya want me to tell you, Spike?  Here's 
hoping you weren't looking for advice in the "here's how not to care" area
because I suck at that.  I care. It's why I'm here - as in *here*. LA.  I
wasn't any good for her.  You... fuck knows.  I'm in love with a former
Watcher. I used to be in love with her.  Who am I to tell ya how fucked up
this all is?  You already know anyway.  You wanna help and think you do
good there - fuck me for saying this but... yeah. Stick it out.  Christ.
Join me in the good fight and let's *really* enjoy a heaping help of
irony.

Who'd'a fucking guessed, huh?  Dru and Darla must be laughing their 
fucking asses off.  Whatever. I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of dealing with
this bullshit.  Lemme tell ya - that chip does half the shit this curse
did to me and ... well never mind. Point being I've stopped giving a shit
about what other people think.  I'm doing my own thing.  You might as well
do the same. Save yourself a fucking century of figuring THAT out.

A.

***

To: Angel
From: Spike

> Calm down, Spike.  I was agreeing with you.  Got the compliment.  Now
> appreciating the "implications" irony.

Sorry. A bit sensitive here. We're way past banter and I'm not used to it.
Kinda new to the talking thing.

> Got it. And I'm trying to let you know how not to do that. So now you
> know - Cordy's off limits. Totally.

Fair enough.

> > > Yeah. Think that's why he was trying the whole demon-hunter thing to
> > > start with.  He just couldn't do it alone.  
> > 
> > Yeah. The alone thing, never a good plan.
> 
> That another one of those implications?

Er... vague sympathy, for you and for him. Vague self pity. Vague
reference to Buffy the I don't need you or anyone else girl. Vague, I
think, would be the keynote.

> Dunno. Just don't want him freaking and thinking he was being so 
> obvious back when he might have thought he was being suave.  Kinda
> protective of his ego.

I can see that. It could use a prop or two.

> Well he's definitely pro-guys now, that much is certain.  Dunno if he's
> given up on women yet.  He had a girlfriend not too long ago he seemed
> to be into, but he swears it didn't really mean that much.  Know he
> slept around a bit - you know, the one night stand thing - again with
> girls but again who knows if he's still interested in that. Says he's
> not. No point in not believing him.

[nods]

> Him doing that on a regular basis, though... damn.  Probably best he's
> in charge now.  We'd never get any work done if he kept calling me boss
> at the office these days.

But what a pleasant distraction.

> > He knows, Angel. Bleeding hell, he knows you love him. He's just
> > afraid you might stop. 
> 
> What? Loving him?

Yeah, I was getting that vibe. Look, maybe I'm saying too much. I don't
want to get in the middle here. You know me, I don't have what you'd call
sterling relationship instincts. I spent a hundred years bribing a crazy
girl to stay with me, and then I even messed that up. But he seems to
worry that you're gonna ... go away. And not in the Angelus sense.

> > How sweet. I think I'm going to go get an insulin shot.
> 
> I could suggest where to put it.

How helpful of you. Which reminds me. Wesley says you might be willing to
make a few more, and hopefully less sarcastic, suggestions when I come to
visit. Instructions, even? I would...like that. If you would. He said I
should speak to you about whether to come to your place, or his, or some
bar called Caritas. Thoughts?

> > > What do you want me to say?  That it was fun?  That having my head
> > > messed with was *my* idea of a good time?  
> > 
> > No. Angel, try to keep up here. I have NO IDEA what happened to you. I
> > have been living here in Sunnydale trying to keep the world from
> > killing Buffy and Buffy from killing me. If you don't want to tell me,
> > that's fine. But if you do want to tell me, tell me. Or at least give
> > me some kind of clue what questions to ask. Because I'm lost here. 
> 
> Christ.  Ok.  Got it.  Didn't know.  Figured maybe Dru or somebody told
> you the half of it.

Dru told me Darla was back. Dru told me you tried to burn her. Dru was,
well, Dru. A lot of it didn't make much sense, and frankly I had other
things on my mind.

> Um - long story.  Darla back from the dead (which you knew), fucking
> with *my* head because, you know, she's supposed to be DEAD 'cept she
> isn't, then she's *human*...

> She was sick. Tried to save her.  Didn't.  Dru turned her.  Tried to
> kill 'em both. Didn't do that either.  Tried going back to the source of
> all this fun, fucked *that* up too.  Tried going back to Hell and *that*
> got fucked over.  Came back. Slept with Darla.  Realized I actually
> fucked myself with that one.  Kicked her out. Told her she's dead next
> time I see her.  Went crawling back to Wes and everybody.  Trying to
> make it up to them.  Here we are.

Oh. Shit. That has to be the world's new record for bad day at the office.
Tried going back to Hell? And that seemed like a good idea? I'm sorry you
didn't save Darla, human Darla I mean. What was she like as a human? Still
stuck up? Or do you not want to talk about this? I'm sorry for your sake
that Dru turned her, but ... Dru needs somebody. She can't stand to be
alone. So I'm glad she found someone to be her family again.

> She could always use somebody who's got more than mortal abilities. This
> from a guy who knows.  

Yeah. I'm not you. But I'm doing my best.

> But beyond that... what do ya want me to tell you, Spike?  Here's 
> hoping you weren't looking for advice in the "here's how not to care"
> area because I suck at that.  I care. It's why I'm here - as in *here*.
> LA.  I wasn't any good for her.  You... fuck knows.  I'm in love with a
> former Watcher. I used to be in love with her.  Who am I to tell ya how
> fucked up this all is?  You already know anyway.  You wanna help and
> think you do good there - fuck me for saying this but... yeah. Stick it
> out.  Christ. Join me in the good fight and let's *really* enjoy a
> heaping help of irony.

Yeah. And then we can rub lemon in our papercuts. I don't _care_ about the
good fight, Angel. I never have. I only started 'cause I needed to hit
something so bad I didn't give a shit what it was. But now... its _her_
fight. And she can't win it. And I can't walk away. I don't know if I'm
any good for her. And I don't know if I'm even gonna get the chance to
find out. But even if she marries a fucking doctor and has two point three
bloody brats, I'm staying. She's all I think about. She's all that's left
of me. And you are the last person on earth I should be saying this to. I
know that. But she doesn't want to hear it. And who else would understand?

> Who'd'a fucking guessed, huh?  Dru and Darla must be laughing their
> fucking asses off.

Dru saw it years ago. It's why she left me. She wasn't laughing then.
Stupid bitch, if she hadn't, I wouldn't have, and then...  I have a
headache. 

  Whatever. I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of dealing with this 
> bullshit.  Lemme tell ya - that chip does half the shit this curse did
> to me and ... well never mind. Point being I've stopped giving a shit
> about what other people think.  I'm doing my own thing.  You might as
> well do the same. Save yourself a fucking century of figuring THAT out.

Thanks. But I think I'm goin' backwards there. I never really gave a shit
what other people think. Dru, an' you, the old you, but not what you might
call the general populace. But Buffy does. She and those fucking scoobies
are joined at the brain. So I'm gonna have to start.

Spike

***

To:  Spike
From: Angel

> > Calm down, Spike.  I was agreeing with you.  Got the compliment.  Now
> > appreciating the "implications" irony.
> 
> Sorry. A bit sensitive here. We're way past banter and I'm not used to
> it. Kinda new to the talking thing. 

Know the feeling.

> Er... vague sympathy, for you and for him. Vague self pity. Vague
> reference to Buffy the I don't need you or anyone else girl. Vague, I
> think, would be the keynote. 

Who knew you had it in you?  Being vague, I mean.

> > Him doing that on a regular basis, though... damn.  Probably best he's
> > in charge now.  We'd never get any work done if he kept calling me
> > boss at the office these days.
> 
> But what a pleasant distraction.

Tell me about it. Might still ask him to try. After hours, of course.

> Yeah, I was getting that vibe. Look, maybe I'm saying too much. I don't
> want to get in the middle here. You know me, I don't have what you'd
> call sterling relationship instincts. I spent a hundred years bribing a
> crazy girl to stay with me, and then I even messed that up. But he seems
> to worry that you're gonna ... go away. And not in the Angelus sense. 

Can't blame him. I did. Fired him on top of it.  He's got all rights to
thinking I'm an asshole who might slam the door and not look back.  All I
can do is stick around and hope he realizes I'm still here.

> How helpful of you. Which reminds me. Wesley says you might be willing
> to make a few more, and hopefully less sarcastic,

Sarcasm would require me to have a sense of humor.

> suggestions when I
> come to visit. Instructions, even? I would...like that. 

Would ya now?

> If you would.
> He said I should speak to you about whether to come to your place, or
> his, or some bar called Caritas. Thoughts? 

He wants you to fuck him at Caritas??  You sure he wasn't drunk?  My
place. Definitely.

> Dru told me Darla was back. Dru told me you tried to burn her. Dru was,
> well, Dru. A lot of it didn't make much sense, and frankly I had other
> things on my mind. 

Gotcha.

> Oh. Shit. That has to be the world's new record for bad day at the
> office.

Days. Months.

> Tried going back to Hell?

Yep.

> And that seemed like a good idea?

Yep.

K - done dicking you over with the one word answers for my personal 
amusement now. 

Yeah. Tried wrangling my way for a return trip - or a new trip to 
whichever the fuck one this was.  Figured I could just fix the problem at
the source, you know?  Go in, hurt whoever I got my hands on, die in a
blaze of complete and total non-caring, end of story.  Ended up right
where I started. Literally.  I love my life.

> I'm
> sorry you didn't save Darla, human Darla I mean.

Um... thanks.

> What was she like as a
> human? Still stuck up? Or do you not want to talk about this?

I dunno what I want. About this I mean.

Darla human.  Beautiful, like always.  Just as cutting as ever.  Real big
on the NOT wanting to be human.  Figured I'd turn her.  Didn't appreciate
it when I said no.

It was... I dunno.  Stupid.  Like I'm gonna save her?  She didn't even
fucking want it.  Not really anyway.  I dunno.  Maybe she actually
listened to me at the end there, but then Dru showed up so there went
that.

> I'm sorry
> for your sake that Dru turned her, but ... Dru needs somebody. She
> can't stand to be alone. So I'm glad she found someone to be her family
> again. 

Pardon my saying so but they got along like a house on fire, don't you
worry.  Dunno if they're still together, but don't think Darla had
anything against it either.  You know her and Dru - never one to turn down
a girls night out.

> Yeah. And then we can rub lemon in our papercuts. I don't _care_ about
> the good fight, Angel. I never have. 

Funny thing is how we feel about it doesn't seem to matter.

> I only started 'cause I needed to
> hit something so bad I didn't give a shit what it was. But now... its
> _her_ fight. And she can't win it.

Been there.

> And I can't walk away. I don't know
> if I'm any good for her. 

Been *there*.

> And I don't know if I'm even gonna get the
> chance to find out. But even if she marries a fucking doctor and has two
> point three bloody brats, I'm staying. She's all I think about. She's
> all that's left of me. And you are the last person on earth I should be
> saying this to. I know that. But she doesn't want to hear it. And who
> else would understand? 

Much as I should be pounding your face into the floor - whatever. I give
up.  Powers that be have their own plans.  I've stopped caring.

So yeah - fuck me but I don't hate that you're there (how's that for
vague, huh boyo?) You got her back. You're willing to do what she can't.
Sure as hell better in a fight than Xander ever was.  

Kicker is - fuck *you* Spike but you do care.  You don't wanna, and you
hate it, but it just sucks you right in.  'cause you realize that the
powers that be had this shit poor idea of putting this *one* little girl
in the fight against evil, and even big bad assholes like us appreciate
shitty odds.

> Dru saw it years ago. It's why she left me. She wasn't laughing then.
> Stupid bitch, if she hadn't, I wouldn't have, and then...  I have a
> headache. 

Join the club.

> Thanks. But I think I'm goin' backwards there. I never really gave a
> shit what other people think. Dru, an' you, the old you, but not what
> you might call the general populace. But Buffy does. She and those
> fucking scoobies are joined at the brain. So I'm gonna have to start. 

Good fucking luck.

A.

***

To: Wes
From: Angel

What the Hell is this about Spike fucking you at Caritas? Tell me you're
drunk. Tell me HE'S drunk.

Can we please chalk this one up on the list of things Angel won't do - or
allow - even if he *lost* the soul?

A.

***

To: Angel
From: Wesley

Angel.

> What the Hell is this about Spike fucking you at Caritas? 

Er - what?

> Tell me you're 
> drunk. Tell me HE'S drunk.

Confused, I think.  We were discussing ways that he could pass the 
time given the difficulty of the chip in his head.  I mentioned Caritas
thinking he might find vampires or demons there which might prove
interesting to him.  I hadn't intended the idea for, well, intimate
purposes.

> Can we please chalk this one up on the list of things Angel won't do -
> or allow - even if he *lost* the soul?

Chalk it up on my list as well while you're at it, all right?  

By the way, Cordy sends her love.  Which she pronounces as "When is 
Angel getting his ass out of bed?"

Wesley

***

To: Wes
From: Angel

> Confused, I think.  We were discussing ways that he could pass the time
> given the difficulty of the chip in his head.  I mentioned Caritas
> thinking he might find vampires or demons there which might prove
> interesting to him.  I hadn't intended the idea for, well, intimate
> purposes.

Ok. Here's the thing - Spike is pretty much *all* "intimate purposes". 
You could say you're taking him to *Church* and he'd still wonder when the
dildos came in.  So you may wanna spell things out for him if you're
thinking of activities that require pants.

That being said - Spike? Caritas?  Dunno whether to laugh or be terrified.

> Chalk it up on my list as well while you're at it, all right?  

Check. Love ya.

> By the way, Cordy sends her love.  Which she pronounces as "When is
> Angel getting his ass out of bed?"

Angel's ass is out of bed, but his mouth is getting a cup of coffee. 
Speaking of which - don't suppose Angel's *boss* would care to sneak out
of the office on his lunch break?  I know this really great hotel.  Serves
anything he likes.

A.

***

To: Wesley
From: Spike

> I'll think of ways to tell you.

I appreciate that, pet.

> Which was actually my hope.

I'll see if I can get Dawn to take a picture of his face when I ask him.
It'd be just her note, I should think.

> What you and Angel did or that Angel tells me of it? In either case the
> answer is no.  I am not, of course, condoning the actions that your
> group performed over the years but... living with Angel teaches you that
> current behaviors count for a lot, particularly when the past cannot be
> changed.

I didn't think you were cheerin' on the carnage, pet. I meant ... d'you
want me to shut up about it, basically. I don't want to give you mental
pictures that you can't live with and can't forget -- of either of us. But
there's no denying -- or rather, there could be, but I won't -- those are
pleasant memories for me. Which I have to assume is a whole other level of
disgust from someone who's now as sorry as you could possibly desire.

> It was a completely out of control situation.  Darla was just a part of
> it.   Rather like being in a hurricane but only complaning of the wind.

Fair enough.

> Angel would have gone back to Sunnydale over my dead body, had it 
> come to that.

Definitely for the best, then.

> > Sorry. I'm done. It's just... I didn't know you then. Rather easier to
> > be academic about it. I'd rather not see you hurt. Must be getting
> > senile in my old age. 

> Angel's mind still seems sharp.

Matter of opinion, that. But I suppose he's no duller than usual.

> > Angel has his faults (and I'll be happy to name them if you've got a
> > day or two to spare), but he's never been fickle. He cared for Darla
> > till she threw him out and after, and Dru in her way. And Buffy. Why
> > on earth would he stop caring for you? You can't possibly have a deep
> > dark secret in your past as bad as the ones in his. 
> 
> I hadn't thought of it that way.  I suppose I keep waiting for the day
> when it's announced that there was some great misunderstanding and he's
> actually meant to be with someone else.

Wesley -- there is no misunderstanding. He's had more announcements of
destinies in his life than most, so I suppose one day some great poncy
winged thing in a nightie might come out of the sky with a trumpet and say
somethin' of the sort. But I can tell you this, he'd go kicking and
screaming if he went at all. You're in more danger if he decides *you're*
meant to be with someone else -- he has a martyr streak a mile wide.

> She suffers a great deal because of his destiny.  That alone is enough. 
> For him to then turn his back on her while she did not, likewise, have
> such a choice - frankly I think that's the worst thing that he did, out
> of all of this.

I can see that. Sucks to be the accessory to someone else's cause, in any
case. Worse when you didn't volunteer. And worst yet when they won't let
you help.

> I don't think he believes in your theoretical soul, and for that matter
> neither do I.  

Can't tell you how glad I am to hear it. Never wanted the damned thing in
the first place. Only did it for Buffy. But she didn't like it either.
Never satisfied, that one. :) Anyway, ever since I told you that, I was
afraid that was why...

> That is what I mean by a lack of connection.  Her feelings bore no
> relationship to her thoughts, but she believed that they did.

Yeah. I can see that. I do see that. All the time.

> Bringing this back to the question you've given me, I would wonder if
> she fears her own emotions now because of this very thing. Perhaps she
> does know that she hasn't the set of moral guidelines that she claims to
> and that is why she fears turning into Faith.  

I think that might be part of it. I think she relies on those moral
principles, those justifications that she's not actually following because
she doesn't trust her heart. They do, the scoobies, Giles. But she knows
there's darkness there. So she doesn't want to look too hard at what is
actually driving her, in case it turns out to be the monster. Of course, I
am the monster. So I'm not exactly an expert. But I don't think sticking
to moral principles would help. I don't think, in the long run, anything
helps, except walking into the darkness and learning its name.

> How did you put it?  Good Slayers just jab things with sticks to protect
> the city, only Bad Slayers have any fun.

Um, yeah. That. Tryin' to get away from that. Hence my new profession as a
self-help lecturer for supernatural beings with destiny issues. How did
you put it? Sunnydale has many shades of black and white?

> > Pet, you know what I'm looking for. And I doubt you'd give it to me in
> > a bar. At least, not yet. I'll talk to Angel. 
> 
> I wasn't sure if you wanted to make friends while you were in town. 
> However if the goal is entirely personal, then no - not in a bar.

Didn't think so. But it never hurts to ask. I wouldn't mind makin' some
new friends, ones I won't have to stake right after I meet them. But my
first priority is to see you. Anything else can wait.

> > > Depends on what happens when you get here.
> > 
> > So you're just going to hold it over my head? That's not bribery.
> > That's blackmail. I knew I liked you. 
> 
> I learn fast.

You certainly do.

> Ah, I see.  Yes, I've been doing a lot of that.

Good.

> > He didn't always. Nor even usually. Said he liked the way we looked in
> > the firelight. They were strange pictures. Sometimes a massacre,
> > sometimes an orgy. In the end it was both, of course, but it was still
> > strange not to be able to tell them apart. 
> 
> I've never seen much of his artwork, beyond the sketches that he drew of
> Darla.

He's never drawn you? Or just never shown you the results?

> > > I'm afraid neither my apartment nor Angel's hotel has that
> > > death-like ambiance.  Props, though, wouldn't be in short supply,
> > > depending on what you needed.
> > 
> > What do you have, pet? And what do you like? I have promised not to
> > hurt you, unless you ask. 
> 
> We've rammed ourselves right up against my ignorance, again. You said
> ambiance, which made me think that having weaponry and other such items
> might be what you'd like.  Props in the other sense, though, I don't
> know.

Forget props. If I need them, I'll find them. If I came into your dreams
tonight like a vampire in the old tales, what would you have me do? What
gets you hot to imagine?

> I think for Angel that was the problem - he very *much* wanted to.  He
> kept moaning about my heart, and how he could hear it.  Then tried to
> get me to leave the apartment before he lost control again.

Yeah. I get that. Any mortal's heartbeat is ...  enticing to us. And
someone you want to enter and possess, with their heart racing wildly
because of you... It's amazing that it doesn't happen every time. I just
thought... if he were at peace with the wanting, if he was not beating
himself up for it, maybe he could control it better. Oh bloody hell, I
don't know what I'm talking about. It's not like I have to control myself,
I've got a piece of metal to do it for me.

> > > As for myself - I'm not stupid.  If not for his control he could
> > > have killed me.  I'm aware of that.
> > 
> > Of course you are. Does it ... add to the thrill, at all?
> 
> I - I haven't said this to anyone before but... yes.  Precisely because
> he doesn't.  He has that strength, and that power, and could use it to
> cause unimaginable harm to me, yet... he doesn't.  

Like being nestled gently in a giant's arms. The rush of danger and the
comfort of safety all at once. I can see that. Even without the safety,
the danger was ... fairly splendid, once upon a time.

> I don't think he even knows how much I care for that.  Particularly when
> I see him turn his yellow eyes upon anyone who might harm me.  It's...
> intoxicating.

It would be. Have you told him? I think he'd like to know.

> I'm a former Watcher, in love with a vampire, sleeping with... well, now
> two I suppose, and friends with an inadvertent psychic, a self-styled
> vampire hunter, and an anagogic demon who runs a karaoke bar.  I think
> the only thing left which could possibly strain me would be if my father
> sent me a "you're doing well" card.

Then you'll probably get it Friday week, and the next thing I know you'll
be in hospital with a torn ligament in your brain. Don't tempt fate like
that, pet, you never know when she's listening. How's that, um, going, by
the way? Not fate. Your da.

> But would you really act as you once did?  I know that were the chip to
> be removed you and Angel would probably be neck and neck - so to speak -
> in the manner in which you fought humans, but would you really be
> William the Bloody again?  I don't by any means think that you would be
> a kitten or, as you say, remorseful, but it seems at least that some of
> your ways have changed.  

I don't know. I just -- don't know. And that is the one damned thing I
have to be grateful to the bleeding chip for, I suppose. 

I would never hurt Buffy. Or Dawn. Or Joyce. Or, um, well. You, now.
That's four whole people who are safe from me. And Tara did me a favor.
And Red cursed me, which I guess counts as a favor in some sick and
twisted sense. I did ask. So that's six. And I told Xander already I'd
never want to bite him, thought he was a bloody delicacy, he did, hate to
prove the conceited little puppy right. And Buffy relies on Giles, pompous
twit that he is. So, eight. There are eight people I can't kill. Think I
can still be William the Bloody with eight exceptions? 

Think I could bloody kill anybody knowing how she'd look at me, after?
Doesn't matter. If I ever get the chip out, she'll probably stake me.
Better than her looking at me that way. Maybe I could, when she is gone.
But I can't think about that. Did I mention that being immortal really
sucks sometimes?

But I like the idea of me as a kitten. A black one. With white paws. And
blood dripping from his tiny fangs. First time I've laughed in weeks.

 > > Or because you don't feel like it. 
> 
> But I do.

Can't argue with that, I suppose. Best reason there is to do anything.

> > I don't think I'm ever going to
> > understand this fairness thing. I'm not entitled to your compassion.
> 
> I do not mean it to sound as though I pitied you.

You said you felt sorry for me. What else could it be? 

> That's not the point at all.  Because of Angel I am more aware of what
> certain vampires can be like.  Of course, by no means have I slowed in
> my attempts to help anyone I can, or to destroy those who are evil, but
> at the same time I am not the kind of man who can be presented with any
> random demon or vampire and be expected to automatically assume that
> they must be destroyed.

I see what you're saying, and it makes sense. And I appreciate it, really
I do. There's few enough people that will listen to me and not treat me
like a freak. But I am still evil, Wesley. Please do try to keep that in
mind. 

> > And, Wesley, you don't have to like me to fuck me. At least not as far
> > as I'm concerned. If you don't care, if you don't try to understand, I
> > will still be happy to touch you, as long as I am allowed. 
> 
> But what if I enjoy your company all the same?  Surprising as that
> sounds.

It does, doesn't it? Then... then thank you. I enjoy yours too. This has
to be one of the signs of the apolcalypse.

-- Spike

***

To: Angel
From: Spike

> Who knew you had it in you?  Being vague, I mean.

New skill. Branchin' out a bit. I hear the market in Big Bad is way down,
figured it was time to diversify.

> Tell me about it. Might still ask him to try. After hours, of course.

Of course. 

> Can't blame him. I did. Fired him on top of it.  He's got all rights to
> thinking I'm an asshole who might slam the door and not look back.  All
> I can do is stick around and hope he realizes I'm still here.

He doesn't think you're an asshole. Think I'd be bothering about that? He
didn't put it in those words, but seems like he thinks he is. Or
something. I didn't really understand it, to tell you the truth, but it
didn't have anything to do with you being a dickhead.

> Sarcasm would require me to have a sense of humor.

No, sarcasm would require you to *think* you had a sense of humor.

> > suggestions when I
> > come to visit. Instructions, even? I would...like that. 
> 
> Would ya now?

You're not gonna make this easy, are you? Yes. I would. And I still hate
you. I hope that's clear.

> > If you would.
> > He said I should speak to you about whether to come to your place, or
> > his, or some bar called Caritas. Thoughts? 
> 
> He wants you to fuck him at Caritas??  You sure he wasn't drunk?  My
> place. Definitely.

Not fuck, just meet. Though I was teasing him with that a bit. I don't
think he was drunk. No typos. He thought I might like to meet some demons
or something. I was bitching about what fighting for the white hats does
to your social life. Anyway, your place, got it.

> K - done dicking you over with the one word answers for my personal
> amusement now. 

Good to know.

> Yeah. Tried wrangling my way for a return trip - or a new trip to 
> whichever the fuck one this was.  Figured I could just fix the problem
> at the source, you know?  Go in, hurt whoever I got my hands on, die in
> a blaze of complete and total non-caring, end of story.  Ended up right
> where I started. Literally.  I love my life.

And again, ow. Though I get the not-caring bit. It was strangely
comforting. Wonder where it went.

> Darla human.  Beautiful, like always.  Just as cutting as ever.  Real
> big on the NOT wanting to be human.  Figured I'd turn her.  Didn't
> appreciate it when I said no.

Yeah, I can see that. I mean, its not like she was born again the normal
way and had time to get used to it. She remembered being powerful... she
remembered being immortal... hell, she remembered not having to go to the
bathroom or sweat. Must be hard to give that up.

> It was... I dunno.  Stupid.  Like I'm gonna save her?  She didn't even
> fucking want it.  Not really anyway.  I dunno.  Maybe she actually
> listened to me at the end there, but then Dru showed up so there went
> that.

She was a vampire a long time, Angel. Longer than you by a lot. Maybe she
just ... forgot ... how to be anything else. Doesn't make you stupid. Her,
maybe, but I always thought that.

> Pardon my saying so but they got along like a house on fire, don't you
> worry.  Dunno if they're still together, but don't think Darla had
> anything against it either.  You know her and Dru - never one to turn
> down a girls night out.

True. That's alright then. She'll be fine and she won't come back here. I
tried to stake her, Angel. That didn't go over real big. With anybody.

> Funny thing is how we feel about it doesn't seem to matter.

You noticed that? I thought it was just me.

> Much as I should be pounding your face into the floor - whatever. I give
> up.  Powers that be have their own plans.  I've stopped caring.

Thank you for not pounding my face into the floor, anyway. I've become
rather attached to it. And -- it wouldn't change anything.

> So yeah - fuck me but I don't hate that you're there (how's that for
> vague, huh boyo?)

Very nice. I think you've got yourself a natural talent there.

> Sure as hell better in a fight than Xander ever was.  

Great. Stronger than the Man of Lightweight Plastic. Thanks ever so.

> Kicker is - fuck *you* Spike but you do care.  You don't wanna, and you
> hate it, but it just sucks you right in.  'cause you realize that the
> powers that be had this shit poor idea of putting this *one* little girl
> in the fight against evil, and even big bad assholes like us appreciate
> shitty odds.

Well, yeah. There is that. What the hell were they thinking? Besides, I
care about her. Never said I didn't. All the same to me whatever her fight
is, I'm gonna help.

> > Dru saw it years ago. It's why she left me. She wasn't laughing then.
> > Stupid bitch, if she hadn't, I wouldn't have, and then...  I have a
> > headache. 
> 
> Join the club.

Looks like I have, doesn't it? That's a laugh.

> > Thanks. But I think I'm goin' backwards there. I never really gave a
> > shit what other people think. Dru, an' you, the old you, but not what
> > you might call the general populace. But Buffy does. She and those
> > fucking scoobies are joined at the brain. So I'm gonna have to start. 
> 
> Good fucking luck.

Thanks. I'll need it.

S. 

***

To: Spike
From: Wesley

> > Which was actually my hope.
> 
> I'll see if I can get Dawn to take a picture of his face when I ask him.
> It'd be just her note, I should think. 

Comforting to know she doesn't get along well with Giles either.

> I didn't think you were cheerin' on the carnage, pet. I meant ... d'you
> want me to shut up about it, basically. I don't want to give you mental
> pictures that you can't live with and can't forget -- of either of us.

But would it be wise for me to actively ignore it?  Pretend that it hadn't
happened?  I suspect any attempts on your part to sugar coat it for myself
would prove regrettable.

I know some of your history - yours and Angel's - anyway.  Just what you
allowed to *be* known, but it's given me enough of a hint.

> But there's no denying -- or rather, there could be, but I won't --
> those are pleasant memories for me. Which I have to assume is a whole
> other level of disgust from someone who's now as sorry as you could
> possibly desire. 

You think I am sorry?

> Wesley -- there is no misunderstanding. He's had more announcements of
> destinies in his life than most, so I suppose one day some great poncy
> winged thing in a nightie might come out of the sky with a trumpet and
> say somethin' of the sort. But I can tell you this, he'd go kicking and
> screaming if he went at all. You're in more danger if he decides
> *you're* meant to be with someone else -- he has a martyr streak a mile
> wide. 

Can't imagine who else I would be with.

> > She suffers a great deal because of his destiny.  That alone is
> > enough.  For him to then turn his back on her while she did not,
> > likewise, have such a choice - frankly I think that's the worst thing
> > that he did, out of all of this.
> 
> I can see that. Sucks to be the accessory to someone else's cause, in
> any case. Worse when you didn't volunteer. And worst yet when they won't
> let you help. 

Plus the visions hurt her, which is always a worry.  We're not entirely
certain how a mortal can handle them - if a mortal can handle them.

> > I don't think he believes in your theoretical soul, and for that
> > matter neither do I.  
> 
> Can't tell you how glad I am to hear it. Never wanted the damned thing
> in the first place. Only did it for Buffy. But she didn't like it
> either. Never satisfied, that one. :) Anyway, ever since I told you
> that, I was afraid that was why... 

Why what?

> > Bringing this back to the question you've given me, I would wonder if
> > she fears her own emotions now because of this very thing. Perhaps she
> > does know that she hasn't the set of moral guidelines that she claims
> > to and that is why she fears turning into Faith.  
> 
> I think that might be part of it. I think she relies on those moral
> principles, those justifications that she's not actually following
> because she doesn't trust her heart. They do, the scoobies, Giles. But
> she knows there's darkness there. So she doesn't want to look too hard
> at what is actually driving her, in case it turns out to be the monster.

Or it is a problem which feeds upon itself.  Sort of a chicken and egg
question.

> Of course, I am the monster. So I'm not exactly an expert. But
> I don't think sticking to moral principles would help. I don't think, in
> the long run, anything helps, except walking into the darkness and
> learning its name. 

Wouldn't at least understanding what mattered to yourself factor in there
somewhere?  There must be something which can be used to compare things to
.

> > How did you put it?  Good Slayers just jab things with sticks to
> > protect the city, only Bad Slayers have any fun.
> 
> Um, yeah. That. Tryin' to get away from that. Hence my new profession as
> a self-help lecturer for supernatural beings with destiny issues. How
> did you put it? Sunnydale has many shades of black and white? 

Many, yes.  And why are you trying to get away from it?

> > I wasn't sure if you wanted to make friends while you were in town. 
> > However if the goal is entirely personal, then no - not in a bar.
> 
> Didn't think so. But it never hurts to ask. I wouldn't mind makin' some
> new friends, ones I won't have to stake right after I meet them. But my
> first priority is to see you. Anything else can wait. 

How long do you think you might be - ahem - coming?

> He's never drawn you? Or just never shown you the results?

If he's drawn me I am completely unaware of it.

> Forget props. If I need them, I'll find them. If I came into your
> dreams tonight like a vampire in the old tales, what would you have me
> do? What gets you hot to imagine? 

A great deal of that, actually.  I enjoyed your kisses. And the feeling of
your hands on me.  Your strength, certainly.  You taking charge was rather
a big help there as well.

> Yeah. I get that. Any mortal's heartbeat is ...  enticing to us. And
> someone you want to enter and possess, with their heart racing wildly
> because of you... It's amazing that it doesn't happen every time. I

It hasn't happened since, but I don't think the wanting has gone away.

> just thought... if he were at peace with the wanting, if he was not
> beating himself up for it, maybe he could control it better. Oh bloody
> hell, I don't know what I'm talking about. It's not like I have to
> control myself, I've got a piece of metal to do it for me. 

No. I think you make a kind of sense.  I think so much of what tortures
him is his own guilt.  When it happened it was as though he couldn't
forgive himself for the slight, in spite of my reassurances that it was
all right to me.  

> > I don't think he even knows how much I care for that.  Particularly
> > when I see him turn his yellow eyes upon anyone who might harm me. 
> > It's... intoxicating.
> 
> It would be. Have you told him? I think he'd like to know.

No. You're right. I should.  Perhaps it might soothe his guilt a bit as
well. Remind him that his vampiric side is not always a thing for me to
fear but rather be glad of.

> Then you'll probably get it Friday week, and the next thing I know
> you'll be in hospital with a torn ligament in your brain. Don't tempt
> fate like that, pet, you never know when she's listening. How's that,
> um, going, by the way? Not fate. Your da. 

I don't know.  I haven't spoken with him since our meeting.  Yours and
mine, that is.  Hadn't spoken to him prior to the meeting either, for that
matter.

> Think I can still be William the Bloody with eight exceptions? 

I'm sure you could.

> Think I could bloody kill anybody knowing how she'd look at me, after?

Forgive me, Spike, but that sounds suspicously like a conscience.  Not
that I would insult you by implying that you may have one.

> Doesn't matter. If I ever get the chip out, she'll probably stake me.

I saw so little of the two of you in England, but based upon the way that
she called you it seems that she at least relies upon you.  Is that
entirely chip-related?

> Better than her looking at me that way. Maybe I could, when she is
> gone. But I can't think about that. Did I mention that being immortal
> really sucks sometimes? 

Now you *do* sound like Angel.  It's a very good impression, by the way.

> But I like the idea of me as a kitten. A black one. With white paws.

Wouldn't the color scheme for you be the reverse?  Or at least some 
white between the ears.  On the fur, I mean.

> And blood dripping from his tiny fangs. First time I've laughed in
> weeks. 

There's the suggestion here that you could be carried in someone's 
pocket, but I think such concepts truly do strain my mental abilities.

> You said you felt sorry for me. What else could it be? 

Sympathy.

> I see what you're saying, and it makes sense. And I appreciate it,
> really I do. There's few enough people that will listen to me and not
> treat me like a freak. But I am still evil, Wesley. Please do try to
> keep that in mind. 

You're still evil.  Angel is not - well - wholly good.  I still trust you
both more than the Watcher's Council.

> It does, doesn't it? Then... then thank you. I enjoy yours too. This has
> to be one of the signs of the apolcalypse. 

Dear God - again?

Wesley

***

To: Spike
From: Angel

> > Who knew you had it in you?  Being vague, I mean.
> 
> New skill. Branchin' out a bit. I hear the market in Big Bad is way
> down, figured it was time to diversify. 

Planning on something besides vague? 

> He doesn't think you're an asshole. Think I'd be bothering about that?
> He didn't put it in those words, but seems like he thinks he is. Or
> something.

Wait a sec - Wes thinks *I* think he's an asshole?  

> No, sarcasm would require you to *think* you had a sense of humor. 

Can't have that. Ruins the image.

> > > come to visit. Instructions, even? I would...like that. 
> > 
> > Would ya now?
> 
> You're not gonna make this easy, are you? 

Nope.  

> Yes. I would. 

Do tell.  And don't think for a second I mean that rhetorically.

> And I still
> hate you. I hope that's clear. 

Crystal.

> Not fuck, just meet. Though I was teasing him with that a bit. I don't
> think he was drunk. No typos. He thought I might like to meet some
> demons or something. I was bitching about what fighting for the white
> hats does to your social life. Anyway, your place, got it. 

Ah. Yeah. This makes sense.  Dunno if you'd like the place, but then again
maybe you would.

> > K - done dicking you over with the one word answers for my personal
> > amusement now. 
> 
> Good to know.

Not saying I won't go back to it.

> > Yeah. Tried wrangling my way for a return trip - or a new trip to
> > whichever the fuck one this was.  Figured I could just fix the problem
> > at the source, you know?  Go in, hurt whoever I got my hands on, die
> > in a blaze of complete and total non-caring, end of story.  Ended up
> > right where I started. Literally.  I love my life.
> 
> And again, ow. Though I get the not-caring bit. It was strangely
> comforting. Wonder where it went. 

Your inability to care or mine?  Mine - dunno. Bang. Woke up. Decided to
stop being such an asshole. Remembered that Wes and everybody actually
*do* matter to me.  

Or something.

> > Darla human.  Beautiful, like always.  Just as cutting as ever.  Real
> > big on the NOT wanting to be human.  Figured I'd turn her.  Didn't
> > appreciate it when I said no.
> 
> Yeah, I can see that. I mean, its not like she was born again the
> normal way and had time to get used to it. She remembered being
> powerful... she remembered being immortal... hell, she remembered not
> having to go to the bathroom or sweat. Must be hard to give that up. 

Yep.  *Hated* the heartbeat.  Broke a lot of mirrors too.

> > It was... I dunno.  Stupid.  Like I'm gonna save her?  She didn't even
> > fucking want it.  Not really anyway.  I dunno.  Maybe she actually
> > listened to me at the end there, but then Dru showed up so there went
> > that.
> 
> She was a vampire a long time, Angel. Longer than you by a lot. Maybe
> she just ... forgot ... how to be anything else. Doesn't make you
> stupid. Her, maybe, but I always thought that. 

Darla was ok in her way.  She was big on survival.  Hers, yeah, but 
frankly who else?  Can't really blame her.

> True. That's alright then. She'll be fine and she won't come back here.
> I tried to stake her, Angel. That didn't go over real big. With anybody.
> 

Ok - now who's being terse, boyo?  You tried to stake Dru?  Care to 
share the details with your mutual sire?  I mean it's not like I'd be
interested or anything.  

> > Funny thing is how we feel about it doesn't seem to matter.
> 
> You noticed that? I thought it was just me.

Nope.  Couldn't tell you if it was more than just us though.

> > Much as I should be pounding your face into the floor - whatever. I
> > give up.  Powers that be have their own plans.  I've stopped caring.
> 
> Thank you for not pounding my face into the floor, anyway.

I reserve my rights to do it later. Or whenever I damn well feel like. 
Probably best you don't actually live in LA right now.  Leaves me other
people to take my frustrations out on.

You know...  Hum.  Hell.  How long you planning on staying? How long could
I make you stay? Who knows if I'm going to be in the same mood when you
get here, but damned if some thoughts aren't tempting.

> I've become
> rather attached to it. And -- it wouldn't change anything. 

Yeah. I know.

> > So yeah - fuck me but I don't hate that you're there (how's that for
> > vague, huh boyo?)
> 
> Very nice. I think you've got yourself a natural talent there.

Runs in the family.

> > Sure as hell better in a fight than Xander ever was.  
> 
> Great. Stronger than the Man of Lightweight Plastic. Thanks ever so.

You're welcome.

> > Kicker is - fuck *you* Spike but you do care.  You don't wanna, and
> > you hate it, but it just sucks you right in.  'cause you realize that
> > the powers that be had this shit poor idea of putting this *one*
> > little girl in the fight against evil, and even big bad assholes like
> > us appreciate shitty odds.
> 
> Well, yeah. There is that. What the hell were they thinking? Besides, I
> care about her. Never said I didn't. All the same to me whatever her
> fight is, I'm gonna help. 

Exactly.  Once again today's secret phrase is welcome to my world.

A.

***

To: Angel
From: Spike

> > New skill. Branchin' out a bit. I hear the market in Big Bad is way
> > down, figured it was time to diversify. 
> 
> Planning on something besides vague? 

Useful. If I can swing it. New look for me, huh?

> > He doesn't think you're an asshole. Think I'd be bothering about that?
> > He didn't put it in those words, but seems like he thinks he is. Or
> > something.
> 
> Wait a sec - Wes thinks *I* think he's an asshole?  

Okay, this is going all wrong. Wes thinks, I think, that you're too good
for him. Or too something for him. He was vague. Seems to be another
damned theme. Wes is afraid you're going to wake up one day and realize
this was never supposed to be happenning -- or that the universe will.
This is not, repeat not, something that he blames you for, or chalks up to
the fact that you did leave once already. I'm guessing its just Low Self
Esteem Boy putting in an appearance. Or else just feeling that nothing
this good can last. I don't know. And I probably shouldn't have said
anything. Just keep telling him you're not going anywhere. I have been.
But its bound to be more convincing coming from you.

> > No, sarcasm would require you to *think* you had a sense of humor. 
> 
> Can't have that. Ruins the image.

And yet, suddenly I'm laughing. What's the world comin' to?

> > > > come to visit. Instructions, even? I would...like that. 
> > > 
> > > Would ya now?
> > 
> > You're not gonna make this easy, are you? 
> 
> Nope.  

Good.

> > Yes. I would. 
> 
> Do tell.  And don't think for a second I mean that rhetorically.

Wouldn't that be your job? Wesley said you were interested in instructing.
I don't know if you meant him or me or both but either way, I'm up for it.
So to speak. I'm not gonna try to second guess your instructions now,
though. I know I can't win that game. So tell what? How much I'd like it?
Hell, Angel, you already know that. You installed these buttons, of course
you know how to push them. You know I'm hard as a rock just thinking about
it. You know I can't help imagining... and remembering...

> > And I still
> > hate you. I hope that's clear. 
> 
> Crystal.

That's alright then.

> Ah. Yeah. This makes sense.  Dunno if you'd like the place, but then
> again maybe you would.

Dunno. What's it like?

> > > K - done dicking you over with the one word answers for my personal
> > > amusement now. 
> > 
> > Good to know.
> 
> Not saying I won't go back to it.

I wasn't getting my hopes up, luv. Just enjoying the brief respite.

> > > Yeah. Tried wrangling my way for a return trip - or a new trip to
> > > whichever the fuck one this was.  Figured I could just fix the
> > > problem at the source, you know?  Go in, hurt whoever I got my hands
> > > on, die in a blaze of complete and total non-caring, end of story. 
> > > Ended up right where I started. Literally.  I love my life.
> > 
> > And again, ow. Though I get the not-caring bit. It was strangely
> > comforting. Wonder where it went. 
> 
> Your inability to care or mine?  Mine - dunno. Bang. Woke up. Decided to
> stop being such an asshole. Remembered that Wes and everybody actually
> *do* matter to me.  

Either one, actually. But congrats on waking up. Good first step to almost
any agenda. However painful.

> Or something.

> Yep.  *Hated* the heartbeat.  Broke a lot of mirrors too.

I can see that. But I kinda miss reflections. Don't care about mirrors.
But someday I'd like to look in someone's eyes and see myself, you know?

> Darla was ok in her way.  She was big on survival.  Hers, yeah, but
> frankly who else?  Can't really blame her.

Just so you don't blame yourself.

> > True. That's alright then. She'll be fine and she won't come back
> > here. I tried to stake her, Angel. That didn't go over real big. With
> > anybody. 
> 
> Ok - now who's being terse, boyo?  You tried to stake Dru?  Care to
> share the details with your mutual sire?  I mean it's not like I'd be
> interested or anything.  

You tried to burn her. Figured it'd be okay by you. Not that I was giving
it a lot of thought at the time.  [sigh] Alright, I'll spill. And then you
probably will pound my head into the floor. Don't know that I'd blame you.


Dru showed up at my place. Wanted us to be a family again. She knew about
the chip. Said she could see it. Reminded me of who I was -- or who I used
to be. We went out dancing. It was just like the old days -- before
Angelus came back. Or before you -- he -- ever left. Everything all golden
and perfect and synchronized. She spotted a couple snogging on the balcony
and lead me up there. She didn't have to drag me. I wanted to. But then --
she broke the girl's neck like she was opening a jar, and put her in my
arms. And I almost couldn't do it. First shot at fresh blood in how
fucking long and I just stood there staring. What the hell is wrong with
me? Didn't feed until she looked up at me, her face all wet with blood,
and smiling...

She brought a stun gun. Fuck knows where she got it. Maybe Darla snagged
it for her. We went back to my place, and ran into the Slayer, comin' up
from the basement. She'd found... some pictures I'd taken, from her
basement. A sweater. A couple of drawings. Dru starts talking about how I
really want to eat the Slayer, and all I could think of was to go on the
offensive before she got started on what she'd seen. Dru shocked her. And
I let her.

Dru started talking about playing her damn games. I tried to tell her I
was done, but she wouldn't listen, Angel. So I shocked her too. Carried
them both downstairs to the basement and tied 'em up so they'd have no
choice not to listen to me.

I know. But it seemed like a good idea at the time. I asked Buffy to give
me some kind of hope that maybe, that someday... I offered to stake Dru
for her. I meant it, Angel. At least I think I did. but she said it meant
nothing, that no vampire could love without a soul. And this is where you
start refinishing the floorboards with my brains, because I threatened to
untie Dru instead and let her eat Buffy unless she did. 

Yeah, I know, real clear thinking. Buffy was gonna have nothing but warm
fuzzies for the guy that extorted confessions of affection at fang point.
Except she didn't, of course. Not that brave girl. She threw it back in my
face.

And then Harmony showed up with a crossbow and it went from melodrama to
farce. Dru got loose while I was fighting off Harm and attacked Buffy. Who
was doing a decent job kicking ass for someone in chains, until I managed
to get free of Harm long enough to tackle Dru away from her and let her
out. 

And Harm left, thankfully, and Dru left sayin' even she couldn't help me
now. Like I'd bloody asked her to. And Buffy left, and I went runnin' down
the street after her, beggin' her to listen, to talk to me, telling her
she couldn't shut me out. But she had. With a deinvitation spell. After
telling me to leave Sunnydale and her and her family and friends alone. It
was after that that I asked Red to do the curse. But you know about that.

> I reserve my rights to do it later. Or whenever I damn well feel like. 
> Probably best you don't actually live in LA right now.  Leaves me other
> people to take my frustrations out on.

Or kinda too bad, depending on how you look at it.

> You know...  Hum.  Hell.  How long you planning on staying? How long
> could I make you stay? Who knows if I'm going to be in the same mood
> when you get here, but damned if some thoughts aren't tempting.

As long as Buffy can spare me. Couple days at least. I am... tempted too.
But, um, Angel? If you've got anything a little more personal in mind than
using me as a punching bag, talk to Wesley first. It doesn't necessarily
make sense, but just 'cause he can stand to touch me doesn't mean he can
stand for you to.

> Exactly.  Once again today's secret phrase is welcome to my world.

Yeah. Lousy place to visit, and I wouldn't want to live there. But it
seems like I do.

--Spike

***

To: Spike
From: Angel

> > Planning on something besides vague? 
> 
> Useful. If I can swing it. New look for me, huh?

Pretty much. Dunno if you've ever done that one.

>  Just keep telling him you're not
> going anywhere. I have been. But its bound to be more convincing coming
> from you. 

Gotcha. Ok. Yeah.  We've done this one before.  But thanks.  
Appreciate the warning.  Christ. Could've fucking killed him for that
"good enough" bullshit.  

> Wesley said you were interested in
> instructing.

Yep.

>  I don't know if you meant him or me or both 

Both. Either/or.  I've got a few options in mind. You'll see when you get
here.

> So tell what? How much I'd like it? 

Bingo.

> Hell, Angel, you already know that. 

Yet you should still keep talking.

> You installed these buttons, of course you know how to push them. 

Yep.

> You know I'm hard as a rock just thinking about it. 

And I know you hate admitting it.

> You know I can't
> help imagining... and remembering... 

There's a good boy.

> > Ah. Yeah. This makes sense.  Dunno if you'd like the place, but then
> > again maybe you would.
> 
> Dunno. What's it like?

Put it this way - if I didn't have to go there, I never would have.  So
it's probably right up your alley.  It's grown on me, though.  Don't tell
anybody I said that.

> But someday I'd like to look in someone's eyes and see myself, you
> know? 

You say that just to make me think of Wesley?

> > Darla was ok in her way.  She was big on survival.  Hers, yeah, but
> > frankly who else?  Can't really blame her.
> 
> Just so you don't blame yourself.

I did. Sort of over it.  Literally gave it my all so - not like I can say
I didn't try.  Did. Failed. Oh well.

> You tried to burn her. Figured it'd be okay by you.

Not saying I mind the idea, just saying you need to share the gossip.

And before you get all pissy - then again, given all this, maybe you won't
- I don't hate Dru.  Dru's Dru.  She's what I made her to be. Can't hate
her for it.  She gets in my way, she gets a stake same as Darla.  But I'm
not out gunning for her.  Darla yeah. I so much as see her again she's
dead.  But Dru just needs to stay out of my way, if not necessarily my
city.

> Dru showed up at my place. Wanted us to be a family again. She knew
> about the chip.

Should I even ask why Dru gets info like this before I do? Christ.

> wanted to. But then -- she broke the girl's neck like she was opening a
> jar, and put her in my arms. And I almost couldn't do it. 

Did ya?

> She brought a stun gun. Fuck knows where she got it. 

I got a guess.

> Maybe Darla
> snagged it for her.

Darla. Darla's would-be boyfriend - lotta possibilities.

Not the point, I know. But since you mentioned it.

> We went back to my place, and ran into the Slayer,
> comin' up from the basement. 

What was Buffy doing at your place?

> She'd found... some pictures I'd taken,
> from her basement. A sweater. A couple of drawings.

Too easy. Keeping my mouth shut.

> Dru starts talking
> about how I really want to eat the Slayer,

Fuck *me*....

I've lost my mind, Spike. That's it. You heard it first.  Why? I'm finding
this just too fucking absurd.  Maybe tomorrow I'll wanna pound you, right
now I'm laughing my ass off.  I mean did Dru *know* what she was talking
about there?

> and all I could think of was
> to go on the offensive before she got started on what she'd seen.

You steal all my moves.

> Dru shocked her. And I let her. 

I could let this piss me off, but I'm choosing not to.  

> Dru started talking about playing her damn games. I tried to tell her I
> was done, but she wouldn't listen, Angel. So I shocked her too. Carried
> them both downstairs to the basement and tied 'em up so they'd have no
> choice not to listen to me. 

Again - laughing.

> I know. But it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Yeah - to *you*.  How hard *did* Buffy kick your ass later?

> I asked Buffy to
> give me some kind of hope that maybe, that someday... I offered to
> stake Dru for her. I meant it, Angel. At least I think I did.

I've seen you be this stupid. You probably did.

> but she
> said it meant nothing, that no vampire could love without a soul. And
> this is where you start refinishing the floorboards with my brains,
> because I threatened to untie Dru instead and let her eat Buffy unless
> she did. 

Having a hard day there, boyo?  Jesus, Spike - take your ball(s) and go
home why don't ya?  

> Yeah, I know, real clear thinking.

You and emotions were never a good mix.  

> Buffy was gonna have nothing but warm fuzzies for the guy that extorted
> confessions of affection at fang point. Except she didn't, of course.
> Not that brave girl. She threw it back in my face. 

Figured.

> And then Harmony showed up with a crossbow 

You know, you keep this up and I damn near might lose the soul.  

> and it went from melodrama
> to farce. 

Not asking why Harmony showed up. Living real happy with the 
ignorance.

> And Harm left, thankfully, and Dru left sayin' even she couldn't help me
> now. Like I'd bloody asked her to. And Buffy left, and I went runnin'
> down the street after her, beggin' her to listen, to talk to me, telling
> her she couldn't shut me out. But she had. With a deinvitation spell.
> After telling me to leave Sunnydale and her and her family and friends
> alone. It was after that that I asked Red to do the curse. But you know
> about that. 

Quite a summer vacation.

Alright - I could get pissed about this. Like I said.  But this was what?
Months ago? Damn near a year?  I'm too tired to bother.  God knows Buffy
and I have enough shit to deal with.  If she's happy with me not getting
angry about this, I'm gonna maintain status quo.

> As long as Buffy can spare me. Couple days at least. 

Fine by me. Crash at the hotel.

> I am... tempted
> too. But, um, Angel? If you've got anything a little more personal in
> mind than using me as a punching bag, talk to Wesley first. It doesn't
> necessarily make sense, but just 'cause he can stand to touch me doesn't
> mean he can stand for you to. 

Oh.  Um.  Heh.  Ok - actually had my thoughts elsewhere there.  But 
lemme answer this first.

Wes knows about the old days, knows I don't mind a non-deadly 
recreation.  Life's cool there.

What I was *actually* talking about though was *another* kind of fun. 
'cept now I'm thinking your chip is gonna get in the way.  You can't do
*any* kind of damage to humans, right?  What's the limits there?  And how
many people know about this?  Reason being, depending on my mood we might
actually wanna paint the town.  Or at least specificly owned parts of it.

Or not. We'll see.  Put it this way - if I get good reason to have to get
annoyed while you're here, you're welcome to join me for some retribution
on the guys who probably gave Dru the stun gun.  Dunno how much you could
do with the chip, but you're welcome to do what you can.

> > Exactly.  Once again today's secret phrase is welcome to my world.
> 
> Yeah. Lousy place to visit, and I wouldn't want to live there. But it
> seems like I do. 

Hey - not like I invited ya. 

A.

***

To: Wesley
From: Spike

> > I'll see if I can get Dawn to take a picture of his face when I ask
> > him. It'd be just her note, I should think. 
> 
> Comforting to know she doesn't get along well with Giles either.

She's not much on the authority figure thing. Maybe 'cause her da ran off?
Or maybe just 'cause well, she's not. She likes me, and Xander. Not that I
relish havin' anything in common with that sorry lad, but we're both big
brother types.

> But would it be wise for me to actively ignore it?  Pretend that it
> hadn't happened?  I suspect any attempts on your part to sugar coat it
> for myself would prove regrettable.

Or impossible. Or both. No, probably not wise to ignore it. But a hell of
a lot easier. It's your call.

> I know some of your history - yours and Angel's - anyway.  Just what you
> allowed to *be* known, but it's given me enough of a hint.

Not really a private person, pet. I don't know what you know -- I'd like
to hear you tell it some time, if you'd indulge my ego that much -- but
its probably most of the high points.

> > But there's no denying -- or rather, there could be, but I won't --
> > those are pleasant memories for me. Which I have to assume is a whole
> > other level of disgust from someone who's now as sorry as you could
> > possibly desire. 
> 
> You think I am sorry?

Let me start that over. Angel is sorry for what he did. I am not. I don't
know what you are. But I assumed that I might disgust you where he didn't,
because I still miss what he rejects.

> Can't imagine who else I would be with.

Well that's alright then. If you don't leave and he doesn't leave, then
nobody leaves. Problem solves itself.

> Plus the visions hurt her, which is always a worry.  We're not entirely
> certain how a mortal can handle them - if a mortal can handle them.

Want me to ask Giles to hit the books? Subtly, of course, but we do still
have access to the Watcher horde, might as well make use of it.

> > Can't tell you how glad I am to hear it. Never wanted the damned thing
> > in the first place. Only did it for Buffy. But she didn't like it
> > either. Never satisfied, that one. :) Anyway, ever since I told you
> > that, I was afraid that was why... 
> 
> Why what?

Why you would let me touch you. I'm glad to know its not.

> > > Bringing this back to the question you've given me, I would wonder
> > > if she fears her own emotions now because of this very thing.
> > > Perhaps she does know that she hasn't the set of moral guidelines
> > > that she claims to and that is why she fears turning into Faith.  
> > 
> > I think that might be part of it. I think she relies on those moral
> > principles, those justifications that she's not actually following
> > because she doesn't trust her heart. They do, the scoobies, Giles. But
> > she knows there's darkness there. So she doesn't want to look too hard
> > at what is actually driving her, in case it turns out to be the
> > monster.
> 
> Or it is a problem which feeds upon itself.  Sort of a chicken and egg
> question.

Entirely possible. Likely, even.

> > Of course, I am the monster. So I'm not exactly an expert. But
> > I don't think sticking to moral principles would help. I don't think,
> > in the long run, anything helps, except walking into the darkness and
> > learning its name. 
> 
> Wouldn't at least understanding what mattered to yourself factor in
> there somewhere?  There must be something which can be used to compare
> things to .

She knows, I think, on some level what matters to her. But before she can
admit some of her motivations, she has to be convinced that having them
doesn't mean they're going to rule her. And I don't know how to convince
her of that until she acknowledges and accepts them. Again, chicken and
egg.

> > > How did you put it?  Good Slayers just jab things with sticks to
> > > protect the city, only Bad Slayers have any fun.
> > 
> > Um, yeah. That. Tryin' to get away from that. Hence my new profession
> > as a self-help lecturer for supernatural beings with destiny issues.
> > How did you put it? Sunnydale has many shades of black and white? 
> 
> Many, yes.  And why are you trying to get away from it?

Because I don't think a Buffy divided against herself can stand. Not for
long enough to suit me, anyway. She's a killer, and she enjoys her work,
and she denies it. She kills vampires and demons and she has to know by
now, like you said, that to be either doesn't automatically make you
worthy of destruction. And so on. As long as some of her strength and
determination are being diverted to keepin' down these bits of herself
that she doesn't want to see, she's weakened. And that's not safe for her.

> > > I wasn't sure if you wanted to make friends while you were in town. 
> > > However if the goal is entirely personal, then no - not in a bar.
> > 
> > Didn't think so. But it never hurts to ask. I wouldn't mind makin'
> > some new friends, ones I won't have to stake right after I meet them.
> > But my first priority is to see you. Anything else can wait. 
> 
> How long do you think you might be - ahem - coming?

When? Or for how long? I can come for an evening any time. Longer than
that... I've got to ask the Slayer. But she and her mum and sis are going
away for the weekend -- I could come for longer then, if its convenient.

> > Forget props. If I need them, I'll find them. If I came into your
> > dreams tonight like a vampire in the old tales, what would you have me
> > do? What gets you hot to imagine? 

> A great deal of that, actually.  I enjoyed your kisses. And the feeling
> of your hands on me.  Your strength, certainly.  You taking charge was
> rather a big help there as well.

I can do all that. Unless, of course, Angel takes charge. But somehow I
don't think either one of us would mind.

> > just thought... if he were at peace with the wanting, if he was not
> > beating himself up for it, maybe he could control it better. Oh bloody
> > hell, I don't know what I'm talking about. It's not like I have to
> > control myself, I've got a piece of metal to do it for me. 

> No. I think you make a kind of sense.  I think so much of what tortures
> him is his own guilt.  When it happened it was as though he couldn't
> forgive himself for the slight, in spite of my reassurances that it was
> all right to me.  

Glad I'm making some kind of sense, anyway. You are too. I don't know what
to do about it, though. If shoutin' "get over it!" in his ear was gonna
work, it would have worked long before now. But I've never figured out a
plan B.

> > > I don't think he even knows how much I care for that.  Particularly
> > > when I see him turn his yellow eyes upon anyone who might harm me. 
> > > It's... intoxicating.
> > 
> > It would be. Have you told him? I think he'd like to know.
> 
> No. You're right. I should.  Perhaps it might soothe his guilt a bit as
> well. Remind him that his vampiric side is not always a thing for me to
> fear but rather be glad of.

Couldn't hurt. And well, it might give him a thrill. It would me.

> > Then you'll probably get it Friday week, and the next thing I know
> > you'll be in hospital with a torn ligament in your brain. Don't tempt
> > fate like that, pet, you never know when she's listening. How's that,
> > um, going, by the way? Not fate. Your da. 
> 
> I don't know.  I haven't spoken with him since our meeting.  Yours and
> mine, that is.  Hadn't spoken to him prior to the meeting either, for
> that matter.

Oh. Well. Let me know if you want to talk. I don't suppose you're half
demon, are you? Then I could go rough him up a bit till he saw sense.

> > Think I can still be William the Bloody with eight exceptions? 
> 
> I'm sure you could.

I don't know. Sounds a bit stupid, doesn't it? Ruins the ring of the
thing. William the Somewhat Bloody. William the Episodically Bloody. Fuck
it. Spike is shorter anyway.

> > Think I could bloody kill anybody knowing how she'd look at me, after?
> 
> Forgive me, Spike, but that sounds suspicously like a conscience.  Not
> that I would insult you by implying that you may have one.

Forgiven. But don't let it happen again. :)

Seriously, pet, surely a conscience would be if I couldn't do it knowing
how _I'd_ look at me, after. This is just a good working knowledge of
cause and effect. I don't have a conscience, I have a Buffy. Or no, I
don't either. But you know what I mean.

> > Doesn't matter. If I ever get the chip out, she'll probably stake me.
> 
> I saw so little of the two of you in England, but based upon the way
> that she called you it seems that she at least relies upon you.  Is that
> entirely chip-related?

She does. She's starting to. I like to think its not all some little piece
of shit gadget. The chip lets me hit her, you know? No one else, just her.
It didn't used to. I dunno if it can tell I don't mean her harm, or if it
can tell that she's started to believe that. But... she still hasn't
forgiven herself for all the harm Angelus did last time. For causing it,
or for not stopping it. So if she does have any feelings for me, I'm not
sure if that would help my case any. She might stake me all the quicker to
keep history from repeating itself.

> > Better than her looking at me that way. Maybe I could, when she is
> > gone. But I can't think about that. Did I mention that being immortal
> > really sucks sometimes? 
> 
> Now you *do* sound like Angel.  It's a very good impression, by the way.

Would that it were.

> > But I like the idea of me as a kitten. A black one. With white paws.
> 
> Wouldn't the color scheme for you be the reverse?  Or at least some
> white between the ears.  On the fur, I mean.

Yeah, I was thinking about white between the ears. But its not as though
the color's natural. I just like it this way.

> > And blood dripping from his tiny fangs. First time I've laughed in
> > weeks. 
> 
> There's the suggestion here that you could be carried in someone's
> pocket, but I think such concepts truly do strain my mental abilities.

*blink* never thought of that one. Wouldn't mind being in yours. Bit
squirmy for you, though.

> > You said you felt sorry for me. What else could it be? 
> 
> Sympathy.

Oh. I see. Again, thank you.

> You're still evil.  Angel is not - well - wholly good.  I still trust
> you both more than the Watcher's Council.

Well, we're both at least reasonably straightforward about it.

> > It does, doesn't it? Then... then thank you. I enjoy yours too. This
> > has to be one of the signs of the apolcalypse. 
> 
> Dear God - again?

Let's hope its left over from last time.

 -- Spike

***

To: Angel
From: Spike

> >  Just keep telling him you're not
> > going anywhere. I have been. But its bound to be more convincing
> > coming from you. 
> 
> Gotcha. Ok. Yeah.  We've done this one before.  But thanks.  
> Appreciate the warning.  Christ. Could've fucking killed him for that
> "good enough" bullshit.  

Give him a break. As social situations go, that one pretty much didn't.
And he had to say *something.* Knowing his kindness -- which I'm starting
to -- I'm guessing that "I don't know Buffy, I guess I'm just better at it
than you are" was not appealing to him as an answer. And it pretty much
had to be one or the other. In retrospect, maybe I should have just
started screaming and charging through the lot of you, but butting out
seemed like takin' the high road, for once.

> > Wesley said you were interested in
> > instructing.
> 
> Yep.
> 
> >  I don't know if you meant him or me or both 
> 
> Both. Either/or.  I've got a few options in mind. You'll see when you
> get here.

I'm counting the hours.

> > So tell what? How much I'd like it? 
> 
> Bingo.
> 
> > Hell, Angel, you already know that. 
> 
> Yet you should still keep talking.
> 
> > You installed these buttons, of course you know how to push them. 
> 
> Yep.
> 
> > You know I'm hard as a rock just thinking about it. 
> 
> And I know you hate admitting it.

And you know that's half the fun.

> > You know I can't
> > help imagining... and remembering... 
> 
> There's a good boy.

Damn it, how do you still do that? After all these years, from a hundred
miles away, on a bleedin' computer screen. Or in this case, all over a
bleedin' computer screen, and half of the keyboard. Guess its not as bad
as blood, though. The words are still processing away.

> Put it this way - if I didn't have to go there, I never would have.  So
> it's probably right up your alley.  It's grown on me, though.  Don't
> tell anybody I said that.

Wouldn't dream of it. Who could I possibly tell that would understand,
except Wesley, who presumably already knows? I don't even understand --
although you're making me mightily curious. Guess I'll have to stop by
while I'm down there.

> > But someday I'd like to look in someone's eyes and see myself, you
> > know? 
> 
> You say that just to make me think of Wesley?

No, actually. But I can't say I'm surprised you did. I was thinking of
Buffy. Or Dawn.

> > Just so you don't blame yourself.
> 
> I did. Sort of over it.  Literally gave it my all so - not like I can
> say I didn't try.  Did. Failed. Oh well.

Fair enough. Wasn't meant to be.

> Not saying I mind the idea, just saying you need to share the gossip.

oh, that's different. I can do that.

> And before you get all pissy - then again, given all this, maybe you
> won't - I don't hate Dru.  Dru's Dru.  She's what I made her to be.
> Can't hate her for it.  She gets in my way, she gets a stake same as
> Darla.  But I'm not out gunning for her.  Darla yeah. I so much as see
> her again she's dead.  But Dru just needs to stay out of my way, if not
> necessarily my city.

If I see her again, I'll pass the good word. But frankly I'm tryin' not
to. I still love her, but its different now.

> > Dru showed up at my place. Wanted us to be a family again. She knew
> > about the chip.
> 
> Should I even ask why Dru gets info like this before I do? Christ.

From the damned pixies or the bloody doll, apparently. I sure as hell
didn't tell her. And I'm guessing Buffy didn't drop her a note.

> > wanted to. But then -- she broke the girl's neck like she was opening
> > a jar, and put her in my arms. And I almost couldn't do it. 
> 
> Did ya?

Yeah. Felt -- good. Real good. In a bad kind of way. And if that doesn't
make any sense, then you've got it exactly.

> > She brought a stun gun. Fuck knows where she got it. 
> 
> I got a guess.
> 
> > Maybe Darla
> > snagged it for her.
> 
> Darla. Darla's would-be boyfriend - lotta possibilities.

> Not the point, I know. But since you mentioned it.

Darla has a boyfriend? Who is he? Anybody we know from the old days?
C'mon, its your turn to share the gossip.

> > We went back to my place, and ran into the Slayer,
> > comin' up from the basement. 
> 
> What was Buffy doing at your place?

Lookin' for me, I guess, initially. And then snooping around. I had kinda
started to tell her how I felt. And she stopped me. And then she showed up
there later. I don't know why. To tell me to go fuck myself, probably.

> > She'd found... some pictures I'd taken,
> > from her basement. A sweater. A couple of drawings.
> 
> Too easy. Keeping my mouth shut.

Much obliged.

> > Dru starts talking
> > about how I really want to eat the Slayer,
> 
> Fuck *me*....
> 
> I've lost my mind, Spike. That's it. You heard it first.  Why? I'm
> finding this just too fucking absurd.  Maybe tomorrow I'll wanna pound
> you, right now I'm laughing my ass off.  I mean did Dru *know* what she
> was talking about there?

No. I mean, yeah, but no. I want her every which way. That certainly
includes a hell of a lot of fantasies about my teeth in her throat. Or --
other places. But that's not the point here. You think I'd go through this
hell because I was *hungry*? Or because I wanted another damned notch on
my belt? My best guess is Dru saw a lot of shit about me wanting Buffy,
and took it the wrong way.

> > and all I could think of was
> > to go on the offensive before she got started on what she'd seen.
> 
> You steal all my moves.

Imitation is the sincerest form, and all that.

> > Dru shocked her. And I let her. 
> 
> I could let this piss me off, but I'm choosing not to.  

Good. I just might survive this after all.

> > Dru started talking about playing her damn games. I tried to tell her
> > I was done, but she wouldn't listen, Angel. So I shocked her too.
> > Carried them both downstairs to the basement and tied 'em up so they'd
> > have no choice not to listen to me. 
> 
> Again - laughing.
> 
> > I know. But it seemed like a good idea at the time.
> 
> Yeah - to *you*.  How hard *did* Buffy kick your ass later?

Um, she didn't, actually. Wish she had, rather than locking me out.

> > I asked Buffy to
> > give me some kind of hope that maybe, that someday... I offered to
> > stake Dru for her. I meant it, Angel. At least I think I did.
> 
> I've seen you be this stupid. You probably did.

Yeah. Well. Kind of a dramatic symbol of out with the old life, on wth the
new.

> > but she
> > said it meant nothing, that no vampire could love without a soul. And
> > this is where you start refinishing the floorboards with my brains,
> > because I threatened to untie Dru instead and let her eat Buffy unless
> > she did. 
> 
> Having a hard day there, boyo?  Jesus, Spike - take your ball(s) and go
> home why don't ya?  

Look, if it were physically possible to beat my own head into the floor
for this, I might have. I'm not scared of you, Angel. I just think, if you
did, that for once you might have a point.

> > Yeah, I know, real clear thinking.
> 
> You and emotions were never a good mix.  

No kidding.

> > Buffy was gonna have nothing but warm fuzzies for the guy that
> > extorted confessions of affection at fang point. Except she didn't, of
> > course. Not that brave girl. She threw it back in my face. 
> 
> Figured.
> 
> > And then Harmony showed up with a crossbow 
> 
> You know, you keep this up and I damn near might lose the soul.  

Glad I'm keeping you entertained there, pal.

> > and it went from melodrama
> > to farce. 
> 
> Not asking why Harmony showed up. Living real happy with the 
> ignorance.

Sure? It makes me look like even more of an idiot.

> > And Harm left, thankfully, and Dru left sayin' even she couldn't help
> > me now. Like I'd bloody asked her to. And Buffy left, and I went
> > runnin' down the street after her, beggin' her to listen, to talk to
> > me, telling her she couldn't shut me out. But she had. With a
> > deinvitation spell. After telling me to leave Sunnydale and her and
> > her family and friends alone. It was after that that I asked Red to do
> > the curse. But you know about that. 
> 
> Quite a summer vacation.

Almost as good as yours.

> Alright - I could get pissed about this. Like I said.  But this was
> what? Months ago? Damn near a year?  I'm too tired to bother.  God knows
> Buffy and I have enough shit to deal with.  If she's happy with me not
> getting angry about this, I'm gonna maintain status quo.

Oh. Good. If I did the breathing thing, this would be a good time to
start.

> > As long as Buffy can spare me. Couple days at least. 
> 
> Fine by me. Crash at the hotel.

Thanks. I will.

> > I am... tempted
> > too. But, um, Angel? If you've got anything a little more personal in
> > mind than using me as a punching bag, talk to Wesley first. It doesn't
> > necessarily make sense, but just 'cause he can stand to touch me
> > doesn't mean he can stand for you to. 
> 
> Oh.  Um.  Heh.  Ok - actually had my thoughts elsewhere there.  But
> lemme answer this first.
> 
> Wes knows about the old days, knows I don't mind a non-deadly 
> recreation.  Life's cool there.

Um, yeah. Sorry. Pretty obvious where my mind was. But as long as I'm
layin' out my dignity as a throw rug, might as well be clear here. Wesley
knows about the old days, check. Knows you don't mind, check. I know I can
touch Wesley -- and believe me, I'm grateful. What I'm tryin' to ask here
is, can I touch you? Do you mind? And does he? Shit. You'd think after
bein' dead a hundred and twenty seven years it would be physically
impossible to blush.

> What I was *actually* talking about though was *another* kind of fun. 
> 'cept now I'm thinking your chip is gonna get in the way.  You can't do
> *any* kind of damage to humans, right?  What's the limits there?  And
> how many people know about this?  Reason being, depending on my mood we
> might actually wanna paint the town.  Or at least specificly owned parts
> of it.

No humans. No matter what. No birds or bugs or any other living thing
either, for that matter. But I've never missed that part. People that know
about it. You. Buffy and the Scoobies. Wesley. Dru. And whoever they told.
Demons and vamps I can do. People -- anything stronger than a poke in the
side and I get a pretty killer migraine. The more harm intended, the more
pain.

> Or not. We'll see.  Put it this way - if I get good reason to have to
> get annoyed while you're here, you're welcome to join me for some
> retribution on the guys who probably gave Dru the stun gun.  Dunno how
> much you could do with the chip, but you're welcome to do what you can.

Thanks. Probably nothing, but I appreciate the offer.

> Hey - not like I invited ya. 

True. I just barged in on my own, and now I can't find the way home.
Bright, aren't I?

--Spike

***

To: Spike
From: Wesley

> She's not much on the authority figure thing. Maybe 'cause her da ran
> off? Or maybe just 'cause well, she's not. She likes me, and Xander. Not
> that I relish havin' anything in common with that sorry lad, but we're
> both big brother types. 

What a very strange family that would be.

> > But would it be wise for me to actively ignore it?  Pretend that it
> > hadn't happened?  I suspect any attempts on your part to sugar coat it
> > for myself would prove regrettable.
> 
> Or impossible. Or both. No, probably not wise to ignore it. But a hell
> of a lot easier. It's your call. 

As I've (repeatedly) told Angel - I did *use* to be a Watcher.  My job was
to know what vampires such as the four of you did in as much intimate
detail as was possible.  While I appreciate these chivalrous attempts to
care for my finer senses honestly, Spike - I don't have them.

> > I know some of your history - yours and Angel's - anyway.  Just what
> > you allowed to *be* known, but it's given me enough of a hint.
> 
> Not really a private person, pet. I don't know what you know -- I'd like
> to hear you tell it some time, if you'd indulge my ego that much -- but
> its probably most of the high points. 

I've got the books, if you'd care to flip through them.  Simply because
they fired me does not mean I felt it necessary to return my office
supplies.

> Let me start that over. Angel is sorry for what he did. I am not. I
> don't know what you are. But I assumed that I might disgust you where he
> didn't, because I still miss what he rejects. 

Ah, yes, I see.  No.  In this realm, I think, I am still attempting to
understand and have not yet formed an opinion.

> > Plus the visions hurt her, which is always a worry.  We're not
> > entirely certain how a mortal can handle them - if a mortal can handle
> > them.
> 
> Want me to ask Giles to hit the books? Subtly, of course, but we do
> still have access to the Watcher horde, might as well make use of it. 

Yes.  Actually.  Thank you.  But *very* subtly, if you don't mind.  Buffy,
at least, knows enough of both Doyle and Cordy that she might pick up on
what it is that you are researching.  Rupert too, perhaps.  For what it is
worth, Doyle was half Brachen demon (half human) and passed his visions,
which come from the Powers, on to Cordy.  My fear is that Cordy, being
entirely human, may not be able to withstand them as well as he had.

> Why you would let me touch you. I'm glad to know its not.

I let you touch me because I desired you, and in that moment knew I 
could quite literally trust you with my life.

> She knows, I think, on some level what matters to her. But before she
> can admit some of her motivations, she has to be convinced that having
> them doesn't mean they're going to rule her. And I don't know how to
> convince her of that until she acknowledges and accepts them. Again,
> chicken and egg. 

If I can think of anything I shall let you know.  Unfortunately Rupert,
right now, is your best access to research about the Slayer.

> Because I don't think a Buffy divided against herself can stand. Not for
> long enough to suit me, anyway. She's a killer, and she enjoys her work,
> and she denies it. She kills vampires and demons and she has to know by
> now, like you said, that to be either doesn't automatically make you
> worthy of destruction. And so on. As long as some of her strength and
> determination are being diverted to keepin' down these bits of herself
> that she doesn't want to see, she's weakened. And that's not safe for
> her. 

You make quite valid points.

> When? Or for how long? I can come for an evening any time. Longer than
> that... I've got to ask the Slayer. But she and her mum and sis are
> going away for the weekend -- I could come for longer then, if its
> convenient. 

By all means.  The only thing which would affect it would be, as I've
said, one of Cordy's visions.  

> I can do all that. Unless, of course, Angel takes charge. But somehow I
> don't think either one of us would mind. 

It's a rather attractive picture.

> Glad I'm making some kind of sense, anyway. You are too. I don't know
> what to do about it, though. If shoutin' "get over it!" in his ear was
> gonna work, it would have worked long before now. But I've never figured
> out a plan B. 

Hitting him over the head with a hammer?

> > No. You're right. I should.  Perhaps it might soothe his guilt a bit
> > as well. Remind him that his vampiric side is not always a thing for
> > me to fear but rather be glad of. 
> 
> Couldn't hurt. And well, it might give him a thrill. It would me.

Really?  That's - very good to know.  Thank you.  Now I know how I 
should tell him in addition to *that* I should tell him.

> > I don't know.  I haven't spoken with him since our meeting.  Yours and
> > mine, that is.  Hadn't spoken to him prior to the meeting either, for
> > that matter.
> 
> Oh. Well. Let me know if you want to talk. I don't suppose you're half
> demon, are you? Then I could go rough him up a bit till he saw sense. 

Thank you, but not necessary.  And as far as I'm aware I'm 100% 
human, but given everything else that has been made questionable, who can
say?  

> I don't know. Sounds a bit stupid, doesn't it? Ruins the ring of the
> thing. William the Somewhat Bloody. William the Episodically Bloody.
> Fuck it. Spike is shorter anyway. 

Easier to say as well, Spike.

> Seriously, pet, surely a conscience would be if I couldn't do it
> knowing how _I'd_ look at me, after. This is just a good working
> knowledge of cause and effect. I don't have a conscience, I have a
> Buffy. Or no, I don't either. But you know what I mean. 

True, your own feelings would be the start of it, but the fact that you
care about what someone else things - i.e. Buffy - means that something
inside of you is invested in the matter and in some form of doing the
"right" thing, whatever it may be.  

I'm not attempting to justify you or argue that you are - to use the
current example - a harmless kitten.  It is only that since we are
speaking of good and bad and morality, then I cannot help but notice that
you yourself seem to at least be forming some new mindsets that are not
like the ones that you had before and which are influenced by someone who
does, for the most part, have good thoughts and intentions.

Again - not that I would ever attempt to imply you were nice.  Morally, at
any rate.

> She does. She's starting to. I like to think its not all some little
> piece of shit gadget. The chip lets me hit her, you know? No one else,
> just her. It didn't used to. I dunno if it can tell I don't mean her
> harm, or if it can tell that she's started to believe that. But... she
> still hasn't forgiven herself for all the harm Angelus did last time.
> For causing it, or for not stopping it. So if she does have any feelings
> for me, I'm not sure if that would help my case any. She might stake me
> all the quicker to keep history from repeating itself. 

Ah. I see.  Yes, that could be problematic.  Of course then if you did
care the goal would be to not be relying so much upon the chip yourself.

> > Wouldn't the color scheme for you be the reverse?  Or at least some
> > white between the ears.  On the fur, I mean.
> 
> Yeah, I was thinking about white between the ears.

> Be an odd looking cat, though. Don't think I've ever seen one that only
> had white between the ears.

> But its not as though the color's natural.

Yes, Spike, I know.  If not before, then certainly now.

> > There's the suggestion here that you could be carried in someone's
> > pocket, but I think such concepts truly do strain my mental abilities.
> 
> *blink* never thought of that one. Wouldn't mind being in yours. Bit
> squirmy for you, though. 

Particularly with the small, bloody fangs.  Yes, I think not.

> > > You said you felt sorry for me. What else could it be? 
> > 
> > Sympathy.
> 
> Oh. I see. Again, thank you.

You're quite welcome.

> > You're still evil.  Angel is not - well - wholly good.  I still trust
> > you both more than the Watcher's Council.
> 
> Well, we're both at least reasonably straightforward about it.

At least there is that.  If nothing else I like to think that I at least
know the good and bad of Angel, and I'm learning it of you.  

> > > It does, doesn't it? Then... then thank you. I enjoy yours too. This
> > > has to be one of the signs of the apolcalypse. 
> > 
> > Dear God - again?
> 
> Let's hope its left over from last time.

Brings Angel all the more closer to being human anyway.

Wesley

***

To: Spike
From: Angel

> > Gotcha. Ok. Yeah.  We've done this one before.  But thanks.  
> > Appreciate the warning.  Christ. Could've fucking killed him for that
> > "good enough" bullshit.  
> 
> Give him a break. As social situations go, that one pretty much didn't.
> And he had to say *something.* Knowing his kindness -- which I'm
> starting to -- I'm guessing that "I don't know Buffy, I guess I'm just
> better at it than you are" was not appealing to him as an answer. And it
> pretty much had to be one or the other.

I know.  Just - shit.  He *believes* that crap, you know?  Sits there and
tells me the reason the curse doesn't break is he's not "perfect".  Like
the fucking *gypsies* know how much I care about him - or can judge.  I'd
go out of my mind if I lost him and he just gets all understanding that
he's not the "real thing" of my life.  Jesus Christ.

Mark the calendar. One of these nights I'm tying him to a bed and 
fucking him 'til he believes me.  Period.

> In retrospect, maybe I
> should have just started screaming and charging through the lot of you,
> but butting out seemed like takin' the high road, for once. 

So you weren't just waiting for a good dramatic pause?

> > Both. Either/or.  I've got a few options in mind. You'll see when you
> > get here.
> 
> I'm counting the hours.

I should give you something else to do in the meanwhile.

> > > Hell, Angel, you already know that. 
> > 
> > Yet you should still keep talking.

By the way - kinda noticing a lack of talking in your letter here, m'boy.
 You'd think somebody hadn't told you specifically to talk about how much
you wanted me except - and here's the thing - somebody did. Me. 
 Gonna do something to fix that?

> > > You know I can't
> > > help imagining... and remembering... 
> > 
> > There's a good boy.
> 
> Damn it, how do you still do that? After all these years, from a
> hundred miles away, on a bleedin' computer screen. Or in this case, all
> over a bleedin' computer screen, and half of the keyboard. Guess its not
> as bad as blood, though. The words are still processing away. 

Good thing.  Hate for you to be cut off when I'm just getting started.

> Wouldn't dream of it. Who could I possibly tell that would understand,
> except Wesley, who presumably already knows? I don't even understand --
> although you're making me mightily curious. Guess I'll have to stop by
> while I'm down there. 

We can swing by if you like.  

> > > But someday I'd like to look in someone's eyes and see myself, you
> > > know? 
> > 
> > You say that just to make me think of Wesley?
> 
> No, actually. But I can't say I'm surprised you did. I was thinking of
> Buffy. Or Dawn.

We're a pair, huh?

> > And before you get all pissy - then again, given all this, maybe you
> > won't - I don't hate Dru.  Dru's Dru.  She's what I made her to be.
> > Can't hate her for it.  She gets in my way, she gets a stake same as
> > Darla.  But I'm not out gunning for her.  Darla yeah. I so much as see
> > her again she's dead.  But Dru just needs to stay out of my way, if
> > not necessarily my city.
> 
> If I see her again, I'll pass the good word. But frankly I'm tryin' not
> to. I still love her, but its different now. 

Yeah, I can understand that. Pretty much the same here.

> > Should I even ask why Dru gets info like this before I do? Christ.
> 
> From the damned pixies or the bloody doll, apparently. I sure as hell
> didn't tell her. And I'm guessing Buffy didn't drop her a note. 

Huh.  Makes me wonder.

> > > wanted to. But then -- she broke the girl's neck like she was
> > > opening a jar, and put her in my arms. And I almost couldn't do it. 
> > 
> > Did ya?
> 
> Yeah. Felt -- good. Real good. In a bad kind of way. And if that
> doesn't make any sense, then you've got it exactly. 

No, I got it.  Did the same thing myself, couple months back.  Without
Dru, naturally.

> > Darla. Darla's would-be boyfriend - lotta possibilities.
> 
> > Not the point, I know. But since you mentioned it.
> 
> Darla has a boyfriend? Who is he? Anybody we know from the old days?
> C'mon, its your turn to share the gossip. 

Heh.  No, she doesn't have a boyfriend, just a wanna-be boyfriend.  
Lindsey McDonald, one of Wolfram & Hart's best and brightest.  Totally
fell for Darla when they brought her back.  Practically tattooed her name
on his fucking ass.  Hell - for all I know, he did.  I know Darla stayed
with him while she was in town - at least during the mortal days - but far
as I know she dumped him flat once Dru turned her.  

> > I've seen you be this stupid. You probably did.
> 
> Yeah. Well. Kind of a dramatic symbol of out with the old life, on wth
> the new.

Could we maybe remember this the next time you get on *my* ass 
about being overdramatic?

> > Not asking why Harmony showed up. Living real happy with the 
> > ignorance.
> 
> Sure? It makes me look like even more of an idiot.

No. And you wanna know why? One word: Harmony.

Actually... ok, I just know I'm going to regret this but - somebody made
Harmony into a vampire?  Am I at least reading that right?  

> Um, yeah. Sorry. Pretty obvious where my mind was. But as long as I'm
> layin' out my dignity as a throw rug, might as well be clear here.
> Wesley knows about the old days, check. Knows you don't mind, check. I
> know I can touch Wesley -- and believe me, I'm grateful. What I'm tryin'
> to ask here is, can I touch you? Do you mind? And does he? 

Asking. Always a nice start.  Answer could be yes, depending on two 
things:

1. You keep staying on your best, most obediant behavior while we're
chatting in e-mail here

2. You write to Wes and beg *him* for the right to get your hands - or any
other body parts - on me.  And I do mean begging, and I do mean with as
much detail as it takes of *why* you want to.  

You be sure to let me know how it goes, my boy.

> You'd think after bein' dead a hundred and twenty seven years it would
> be physically impossible to blush. 

I'd be slacking if it were.

> No humans. No matter what. No birds or bugs or any other living thing
> either, for that matter. But I've never missed that part. People that
> know about it. You. Buffy and the Scoobies. Wesley. Dru. And whoever
> they told. Demons and vamps I can do. People -- anything stronger than a
> poke in the side and I get a pretty killer migraine. The more harm
> intended, the more pain. 

How 'bout property damage?

> > Hey - not like I invited ya. 
> 
> True. I just barged in on my own, and now I can't find the way home.
> Bright, aren't I? 

Runs in the family. Sadly.

A.

***

To: Wesley
From: Spike

> > She's not much on the authority figure thing. Maybe 'cause her da ran
> > off? Or maybe just 'cause well, she's not. She likes me, and Xander.
> > Not that I relish havin' anything in common with that sorry lad, but
> > we're both big brother types. 
> 
> What a very strange family that would be.

No kidding. The Brady Bunch meets Dracula.

> As I've (repeatedly) told Angel - I did *use* to be a Watcher.  My job
> was to know what vampires such as the four of you did in as much
> intimate detail as was possible.  While I appreciate these chivalrous
> attempts to care for my finer senses honestly, Spike - I don't have
> them.

Fair enough. I don't either, as you know, so we should get along grand.

> I've got the books, if you'd care to flip through them.  Simply because
> they fired me does not mean I felt it necessary to return my office
> supplies.

Maybe one of these days. Never wanted to look through Giles', 'cause I
just know he'd take notes on every bloody thing I said, and sooner or
later it'd get back to the sodding council. But if you do, I trust yours
won't.

> > Let me start that over. Angel is sorry for what he did. I am not. I
> > don't know what you are. But I assumed that I might disgust you where
> > he didn't, because I still miss what he rejects. 
> 
> Ah, yes, I see.  No.  In this realm, I think, I am still attempting to
> understand and have not yet formed an opinion.

Again, fair enough.

> > > Plus the visions hurt her, which is always a worry.  We're not
> > > entirely certain how a mortal can handle them - if a mortal can
> > > handle them.
> > 
> > Want me to ask Giles to hit the books? Subtly, of course, but we do
> > still have access to the Watcher horde, might as well make use of it. 
> 
> Yes.  Actually.  Thank you.  But *very* subtly, if you don't mind. 
> Buffy, at least, knows enough of both Doyle and Cordy that she might
> pick up on what it is that you are researching.  Rupert too, perhaps. 
> For what it is worth, Doyle was half Brachen demon (half human) and
> passed his visions, which come from the Powers, on to Cordy.  My fear is
> that Cordy, being entirely human, may not be able to withstand them as
> well as he had.

I'll do my best at the subtle thing. Or I could ask Tara. She and I seem
to understand each other a little, and she knows the least of the
Slayerette crew about all things Angel.

> I let you touch me because I desired you, and in that moment knew I
> could quite literally trust you with my life.

Pet, you don't know how much I want you when you say things like that. But
-- trust the chip, not me. Don't get me wrong, I don't ever want to hurt
you. But if the chip were out and I were to do what Angel did, I don't
know if I could stop myself. Haven't had much practice on the self-control
front.

> > She knows, I think, on some level what matters to her. But before she
> > can admit some of her motivations, she has to be convinced that having
> > them doesn't mean they're going to rule her. And I don't know how to
> > convince her of that until she acknowledges and accepts them. Again,
> > chicken and egg. 
> 
> If I can think of anything I shall let you know.  Unfortunately Rupert,
> right now, is your best access to research about the Slayer.

Rupert, for all he can barely tolerate my presence in his otherwise
orderly life, is all for research about the Slayer, and will share his
conclusions with Buffy, if not me. And since she usually complains about
them during our practice sessions, it amounts to the same thing. But I
don't know if I trust the source. I'm starting to wonder if the Council
uses divide and conquer to weaken the Slayers on purpose. Present company
excepted of course, I'm starting to think they're a lot more interested in
keeping them controllable than in keeping them alive.

> > Because I don't think a Buffy divided against herself can stand. Not
> > for long enough to suit me, anyway. She's a killer, and she enjoys her
> > work, and she denies it. She kills vampires and demons and she has to
> > know by now, like you said, that to be either doesn't automatically
> > make you worthy of destruction. And so on. As long as some of her
> > strength and determination are being diverted to keepin' down these
> > bits of herself that she doesn't want to see, she's weakened. And
> > that's not safe for her. 
> 
> You make quite valid points.

Thanks. Unfortunately, they never seem to come out quite so neat and
logical when I'm talking to her. But I don't know if that would make a
difference anyway. Like you said, her emotions and her thoughts aren't
exactly on speaking terms.

> By all means.  The only thing which would affect it would be, as I've
> said, one of Cordy's visions.  

Which are unpredictable by definition. Well, if one hits, I can always tag
along and hold the extra ammo or somethin'.

> > I can do all that. Unless, of course, Angel takes charge. But somehow
> > I don't think either one of us would mind. 
> 
> It's a rather attractive picture.

Isn't it, though? He's busy makin' me tell him just how attractive.
Haven't blushed so much in years.

> > Glad I'm making some kind of sense, anyway. You are too. I don't know
> > what to do about it, though. If shoutin' "get over it!" in his ear was
> > gonna work, it would have worked long before now. But I've never
> > figured out a plan B. 
> 
> Hitting him over the head with a hammer?

We can but try.

> > > No. You're right. I should.  Perhaps it might soothe his guilt a bit
> > > as well. Remind him that his vampiric side is not always a thing for
> > > me to fear but rather be glad of. 
> > 
> > Couldn't hurt. And well, it might give him a thrill. It would me.
> 
> Really?  That's - very good to know.  Thank you.  Now I know how I
> should tell him in addition to *that* I should tell him.

Glad to help. Not sure what I helped with, but glad nonetheless. How to
tell him? Like, in bed?

> Thank you, but not necessary.  And as far as I'm aware I'm 100% 
> human, but given everything else that has been made questionable, who
> can say?  

You seem all human to me. Just wishful thinking, really. I hate not being
able to do anything.

> Easier to say as well, Spike.

Always an important point.

> > Seriously, pet, surely a conscience would be if I couldn't do it
> > knowing how _I'd_ look at me, after. This is just a good working
> > knowledge of cause and effect. I don't have a conscience, I have a
> > Buffy. Or no, I don't either. But you know what I mean. 
> 
> True, your own feelings would be the start of it, but the fact that you
> care about what someone else things - i.e. Buffy - means that something
> inside of you is invested in the matter and in some form of doing the
> "right" thing, whatever it may be.  

Yeah. I guess. In a manner of speaking. I love her. The more fool me. I
want to do what she wants. She wants good. So I do good. If she wanted
evil, life would be a damned sight simpler. Except, if she wanted evil,
she wouldn't be Buffy anymore.

> I'm not attempting to justify you or argue that you are - to use the
> current example - a harmless kitten.  It is only that since we are
> speaking of good and bad and morality, then I cannot help but notice
> that you yourself seem to at least be forming some new mindsets that are
> not like the ones that you had before and which are influenced by
> someone who does, for the most part, have good thoughts and intentions.

Don't remind me. (Just an expression, pet. You can if you want. Its
actually rather helpful to talk about all this, if you're not utterly
bored by it. It's just -- I never wanted to change. It's not --
comfortable.)

> Again - not that I would ever attempt to imply you were nice.  Morally,
> at any rate.

Much obliged. And no, that's not sarcasm.

> > She does. She's starting to. I like to think its not all some little
> > piece of shit gadget. The chip lets me hit her, you know? No one else,
> > just her. It didn't used to. I dunno if it can tell I don't mean her
> > harm, or if it can tell that she's started to believe that. But... she
> > still hasn't forgiven herself for all the harm Angelus did last time.
> > For causing it, or for not stopping it. So if she does have any
> > feelings for me, I'm not sure if that would help my case any. She
> > might stake me all the quicker to keep history from repeating itself. 
> 
> Ah. I see.  Yes, that could be problematic.  Of course then if you did
> care the goal would be to not be relying so much upon the chip yourself.

Yeah. I'm working on that. Missing the blinding headaches would be a plus
too. Don't suppose you've got any suggestions?

> > > Wouldn't the color scheme for you be the reverse?  Or at least some
> > > white between the ears.  On the fur, I mean.
> > 
> > Yeah, I was thinking about white between the ears.
> 
> Be an odd looking cat, though. Don't think I've ever seen one that only
> had white between the ears.

Me neither. Not that I was payin' a lot of attention.

> > But its not as though the color's natural.
> 
> Yes, Spike, I know.  If not before, then certainly now.

Figured you did. Not exactly subtle, is it? It's not meant to be.

> > > There's the suggestion here that you could be carried in someone's
> > > pocket, but I think such concepts truly do strain my mental
> > > abilities.
> > 
> > *blink* never thought of that one. Wouldn't mind being in yours. Bit
> > squirmy for you, though. 
> 
> Particularly with the small, bloody fangs.  Yes, I think not.

Wise choice. Pretty sure cat fangs are not retractable.

> > > You're still evil.  Angel is not - well - wholly good.  I still
> > > trust you both more than the Watcher's Council.
> > 
> > Well, we're both at least reasonably straightforward about it.
> 
> At least there is that.  If nothing else I like to think that I at least
> know the good and bad of Angel, and I'm learning it of you.  

I think you are. And... you know what we want from you. Angel wants your
undying love and devotion, and I want your body. And your friendship, if
you are so inclined. The council's motives seem a bit more muddled.

> Brings Angel all the more closer to being human anyway.

Yeah. Got mixed feelings about that one. Fortunately, its no decision of
mine.

Pet -- I'm supposed to be begging you for the right to touch Angel when I
come to see you. And I will. Fervrently and in great detail, I promise.
Except -- if you don't want me to no matter what I say, if its going to
make you feel jealous or insecure or left out or any bad thing at all,
tell me. Please. And I'll tell Angel I changed my mind. I don't want to
mistake you being unhappy for you being coy, and dump more and more
imaginary details on you that are going to make it worse. 

And don't, for whoever's sake, worry about fairness. It doesn't bother
Angel for me to touch you. If it does bother you for me to touch him, then
doing so is the furthest thing from a fair trade. Anyway, you know me. I
don't give a shit about fairness. But I do give a shit about you. 

Not, of course, as much as Angel does. He would never do something that
would hurt you on purpose. I just need to be sure this isn't a blind spot
of his.

--Spike

***

To: Spike
From: Wesley

Hello, Spike,

> > I've got the books, if you'd care to flip through them.  Simply
> > because they fired me does not mean I felt it necessary to return my
> > office supplies.
> 
> Maybe one of these days. Never wanted to look through Giles', 'cause I
> just know he'd take notes on every bloody thing I said, and sooner or
> later it'd get back to the sodding council. But if you do, I trust yours
> won't. 

Of course not.  Naturally if you felt inclined to share information with
me - correct the errors, as it were - I would be happy to make a note of it,
but such a thing would be for my own benefit, solely.

> I'll do my best at the subtle thing. Or I could ask Tara. She and I seem
> to understand each other a little, and she knows the least of the
> Slayerette crew about all things Angel. 

Tara - Willow's companion, yes?  Xander mentioned the name.

> Pet, you don't know how much I want you when you say things like that.
> But -- trust the chip, not me. Don't get me wrong, I don't ever want to
> hurt you. But if the chip were out and I were to do what Angel did, I
> don't know if I could stop myself. Haven't had much practice on the
> self-control front. 

Would you want to hurt me?  

> But I don't know if I trust the source. I'm starting to wonder if the
> Council uses divide and conquer to weaken the Slayers on purpose.
> Present company excepted of course, I'm starting to think they're a lot
> more interested in keeping them controllable than in keeping them alive.

The Council... doesn't actually worry, overmuch, about the life of the
Slayer.  Speaking honestly, it was the first thing which made me question
about my choice of career.  But, foolishly, I went along with it.  They
had hundreds of years to figure out their philosophies, I was merely the
latest trainee on the block.  Who was I to know better?

But if you worry, Spike, is that the Council doesn't care about Buffy's
life - the answer is they don't.  Nor did they care for the life of any
other Slayer.  One dies, another is Chosen.  Why should any single Slayer
have the right to fight for their own life - a life which is meant to be
dedicated to the killing of vampires - when it isn't as though she won't
be immediately replaced?

And since we are both sharing our rounds of past guilt, I shall confess
that when I came to Sunnydale, this was my belief too.  The Slayer fights,
period.  Her death, the death of her friends - acceptable losses.  More
than acceptable.

To that end, Spike, if you are interested in at least some things about
the Slayer - training, choosing, etc. - I can at least share what I know
of the process.  It is only the more detailed, historic aspects that I do
not have access to.

> > By all means.  The only thing which would affect it would be, as I've
> > said, one of Cordy's visions.  
> 
> Which are unpredictable by definition. Well, if one hits, I can always
> tag along and hold the extra ammo or somethin'. 

You're certainly welcome to as far as I am concerned.

> > Really?  That's - very good to know.  Thank you.  Now I know how I
> > should tell him in addition to *that* I should tell him.
> 
> Glad to help. Not sure what I helped with, but glad nonetheless. How to
> tell him? Like, in bed? 

Yes.  As you say, like, in bed.  Like, last night, specifically.  I
could... provide intimate details, if you'd care for them?

> > True, your own feelings would be the start of it, but the fact that
> > you care about what someone else things - i.e. Buffy - means that
> > something inside of you is invested in the matter and in some form of
> > doing the "right" thing, whatever it may be.  
> 
> Yeah. I guess. In a manner of speaking. I love her. The more fool me. I
> want to do what she wants. She wants good. So I do good. If she wanted
> evil, life would be a damned sight simpler. Except, if she wanted evil,
> she wouldn't be Buffy anymore. 

At the risk of completely horrifying you, it was Buffy who inspired Angel
to become the way he is now, viz. interested in fighting the good fight,
actually caring about goodness, etc.  I can't help but wonder if you
yourself are not on a similar path.

> Don't remind me. (Just an expression, pet. You can if you want. Its
> actually rather helpful to talk about all this, if you're not utterly
> bored by it. It's just -- I never wanted to change. It's not --
> comfortable.) 

I'm far from bored, and I can certainly understand the difficulties of
change.

> > Ah. I see.  Yes, that could be problematic.  Of course then if you did
> > care the goal would be to not be relying so much upon the chip
> > yourself.
> 
> Yeah. I'm working on that. Missing the blinding headaches would be a
> plus too. Don't suppose you've got any suggestions? 

With regards to what?  I'd be happy to research what I could, if you could
give me more specifics.  

> I think you are. And... you know what we want from you. Angel wants your
> undying love and devotion, and I want your body. And your friendship, if
> you are so inclined. The council's motives seem a bit more muddled. 

I am inclined toward friendship, oddly enough.

> Pet -- I'm supposed to be begging you for the right to touch Angel when
> I come to see you.

You're supposed to be doing *what*?

> And I will. Fervrently and in great detail, I
> promise. Except -- if you don't want me to no matter what I say, if its
> going to make you feel jealous or insecure or left out or any bad thing
> at all, tell me. Please. And I'll tell Angel I changed my mind. I don't
> want to mistake you being unhappy for you being coy, and dump more and
> more imaginary details on you that are going to make it worse. 

Er - all right.  I think I understand.  But... wasn't that already a part
of this?  I rather got the impression from Angel that you and he were -
well, not always since I suppose this hasn't come up, so to speak, in over
a century - but inclined to be hands on, on occasions such as this.  

> And don't, for whoever's sake, worry about fairness. It doesn't bother
> Angel for me to touch you. If it does bother you for me to touch him,
> then doing so is the furthest thing from a fair trade.

You know, honestly I don't think that it does.  I'm attempting to picture
it, and it's not... well, to be honest, it's not as though he's in love
with you, or you he, by anyone's stretch of the imagination.

> Anyway, you know
> me. I don't give a shit about fairness. But I do give a shit about you.

I wasn't aware that was one of the effects of the chip as well.

> Not, of course, as much as Angel does. He would never do something that
> would hurt you on purpose. I just need to be sure this isn't a blind
> spot of his. 

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Wesley

***

To: Angel
From: Spike

> I know.  Just - shit.  He *believes* that crap, you know?  Sits there
> and tells me the reason the curse doesn't break is he's not "perfect". 
> Like the fucking *gypsies* know how much I care about him - or can
> judge.  I'd go out of my mind if I lost him and he just gets all
> understanding that he's not the "real thing" of my life.  Jesus Christ.

Wesley's kind of new to the relationship thing, right? Maybe he doesn't
realize there can be more than one real thing, and they can be different
from each other. I have to believe that, anyway.

> Mark the calendar. One of these nights I'm tying him to a bed and 
> fucking him 'til he believes me.  Period.

Sounds like a plan to me.

> > In retrospect, maybe I
> > should have just started screaming and charging through the lot of
> > you, but butting out seemed like takin' the high road, for once. 
> 
> So you weren't just waiting for a good dramatic pause?

Definitely not. Notice me breakin' the bleedin' wall? That wasn't my idea
of a joke to lower the tension.

> > > Both. Either/or.  I've got a few options in mind. You'll see when
> > > you get here.
> > 
> > I'm counting the hours.
> 
> I should give you something else to do in the meanwhile.

What did you have in mind? I'm all yours, luv, as long as it doesn't
interfere with patrolling.

> By the way - kinda noticing a lack of talking in your letter here, me
> boy.  You'd think somebody hadn't told you specifically to talk about
> how much you wanted me except - and here's the thing - somebody did. Me.
> 
>  Gonna do something to fix that?

Yes. I'm sorry. I -- fuck, this is hard. I always wanted you, Angel. I
still dream sometimes about your cock in my mouth, your hands tangled in
my hair and forcing my head down, your teeth in my throat. And your voice,
drawling instructions and commands as I tried to please you, or as I took
Dru, or some mortal we'd picked up in a tavern. I heard it in my head for
years after you left, whenever I was fucking someone. Most of the time, it
was what pushed me over the edge. 

I want to hear it again. I want to feel your hands on my face again,
gentle or harsh, I don't care. I want to taste your come again, Angel,
from your cock or from Wesley's lips. I know I was -- am -- a cocky brat
sometimes, and part of that is just my natural charm and joie de vivre.
But the other part was that I wanted you to grab me, hit me, knock me
down, rub my nose in it like you always did, and make me know my place.

I --liked -- that place. On the ground. At your feet. I grew up, after. I
got to be the top dog and take care of Dru, and have other people at my
feet for a change. And I liked it. I liked it a lot. But I missed you. And
when I saw you again, it drove me nuts that it seemed like you'd lost all
that when you got the soul. Glad to see I was wrong.

> Good thing.  Hate for you to be cut off when I'm just getting started.

I'm not going anywhere.

> We can swing by if you like.  

Sure. Sounds good.

> We're a pair, huh?

Yeah, that we are.

> > If I see her again, I'll pass the good word. But frankly I'm tryin'
> > not to. I still love her, but its different now. 
> 
> Yeah, I can understand that. Pretty much the same here.

Um. With Darla? With Dru? With the Slayer? All of the above? Or should I
have stuck with the vague thing here?

> > From the damned pixies or the bloody doll, apparently. I sure as hell
> > didn't tell her. And I'm guessing Buffy didn't drop her a note. 
> 
> Huh.  Makes me wonder.

She said she could see it. She also said she didn't believe in science.
Consistency was never Dru's personal hobgoblin.

> No, I got it.  Did the same thing myself, couple months back.  Without
> Dru, naturally.

Figured that much. You did? Kill? Or just drink?

> Heh.  No, she doesn't have a boyfriend, just a wanna-be boyfriend. 
> Lindsey McDonald, one of Wolfram & Hart's best and brightest.  Totally
> fell for Darla when they brought her back.  Practically tattooed her
> name on his fucking ass.  Hell - for all I know, he did.  I know Darla
> stayed with him while she was in town - at least during the mortal days
> - but far as I know she dumped him flat once Dru turned her.  

That's our Darla. Sucks to be him, though. Do we care?

> > Yeah. Well. Kind of a dramatic symbol of out with the old life, on wth
> > the new.
> 
> Could we maybe remember this the next time you get on *my* ass 
> about being overdramatic?

I did it *once*, not -- oh. Good. Obedient. Right. Yes, I could remember
this next time I get on your case.

> > Sure? It makes me look like even more of an idiot.
> 
> No. And you wanna know why? One word: Harmony.
> 
> Actually... ok, I just know I'm going to regret this but - somebody made
> Harmony into a vampire?  Am I at least reading that right?  

Yes. 

> Asking. Always a nice start.  Answer could be yes, depending on two
> things:
> 
> 1. You keep staying on your best, most obediant behavior while we're
> chatting in e-mail here

I will. I'm doin' my best, Angel. Really. Not my natural state, as you
know, but for a reward like that, I can make an effort.

> 2. You write to Wes and beg *him* for the right to get your hands - or
> any other body parts - on me.  And I do mean begging, and I do mean with
> as much detail as it takes of *why* you want to.  

I will. But are we, are you, sure that detail is what he wants to hear? I
don't want to hurt his feelings.

> You be sure to let me know how it goes, my boy.

I will.

> > You'd think after bein' dead a hundred and twenty seven years it would
> > be physically impossible to blush. 
> 
> I'd be slacking if it were.

And we couldn't have that. Not that you were in danger. 

> How 'bout property damage?

Property damage I can do. Property damage is fun! Got some furniture you
need me to beat up? Windows, cars, ritual objects? I'm at your service.
But then, you knew that.

> > > Hey - not like I invited ya. 

> > True. I just barged in on my own, and now I can't find the way home.
> > Bright, aren't I? 

> Runs in the family. Sadly.

Yeah, well. Followed you home last time, didn't I? Why should now be any
bloody different?

--Spike

P.S. Have you ever drawn Wesley?

***

To: Spike
From: Angel

> Wesley's kind of new to the relationship thing, right? Maybe he doesn't
> realize there can be more than one real thing, and they can be different
> from each other. I have to believe that, anyway. 

Yeah, maybe.  

> > So you weren't just waiting for a good dramatic pause?
> 
> Definitely not. Notice me breakin' the bleedin' wall? That wasn't my
> idea of a joke to lower the tension. 

Wasn't sure what the Hell you were doing there.

> > I should give you something else to do in the meanwhile.
> 
> What did you have in mind? I'm all yours, luv, as long as it doesn't
> interfere with patrolling. 

I'll let ya know.

> > By the way - kinda noticing a lack of talking in your letter here, me
> > boy.  You'd think somebody hadn't told you specifically to talk about
> > how much you wanted me except - and here's the thing - somebody did.
> > Me. 
> >  Gonna do something to fix that?
> 
> Yes. I'm sorry.

Good boy.

>  I -- fuck, this is hard. 

Good start.

> I always wanted you, Angel. 

No kidding, William.

> I still dream sometimes about your cock in my mouth, your hands tangled
> in my hair and forcing my head down, your teeth in my throat. 

Do ya now? 

> And your
> voice, drawling instructions and commands as I tried to please you, or
> as I took Dru, or some mortal we'd picked up in a tavern. I heard it in
> my head for years after you left, whenever I was fucking someone. Most
> of the time, it was what pushed me over the edge. 

Carrying that hard on for a hundred years, then?

> I want to hear it again. I want to feel your hands on my face again,
> gentle or harsh, I don't care. I want to taste your come again, Angel,
> from your cock or from Wesley's lips.

Dunno, my boy. Have to see if you earn it.  Gotta lot of time to make up
for.

> I know I was -- am -- a cocky
> brat sometimes, and part of that is just my natural charm and joie de
> vivre. But the other part was that I wanted you to grab me, hit me,
> knock me down, rub my nose in it like you always did, and make me know
> my place. 

All animals need training.

> I --liked -- that place. On the ground. At your feet.

Good that you know where you belong.

> I grew up, after.
> I got to be the top dog and take care of Dru, and have other people at
> my feet for a change. And I liked it. I liked it a lot. But I missed
> you.

Missed getting royally fucked, you mean.

> And when I saw you again, it drove me nuts that it seemed like
> you'd lost all that when you got the soul. Glad to see I was wrong. 

Seemed to enjoy revelling in my downfall, though.  I think you're gonna
have to make that up to me, my boy.  You know I don't like being
questioned.

> > > If I see her again, I'll pass the good word. But frankly I'm tryin'
> > > not to. I still love her, but its different now. 
> > 
> > Yeah, I can understand that. Pretty much the same here.
> 
> Um. With Darla? With Dru? With the Slayer? All of the above? Or should I
> have stuck with the vague thing here? 

All of the above, really, but I was thinking Dru.  

> > > From the damned pixies or the bloody doll, apparently. I sure as
> > > hell didn't tell her. And I'm guessing Buffy didn't drop her a note.
> > > 
> > 
> > Huh.  Makes me wonder.
> 
> She said she could see it. She also said she didn't believe in science.
> Consistency was never Dru's personal hobgoblin. 

Yeah but was that how she knew? I'm wondering if somebody told her.

> > No, I got it.  Did the same thing myself, couple months back.  Without
> > Dru, naturally.
> 
> Figured that much. You did? Kill? Or just drink?

Just drink.  Slipped.  Should've minded more than I did.

> > I know Darla stayed 
> > with him while she was in town - at least during the mortal days - but
> > far as I know she dumped him flat once Dru turned her.  
> 
> That's our Darla. Sucks to be him, though. Do we care?

Nah. We're just amused.

> > Could we maybe remember this the next time you get on *my* ass 
> > about being overdramatic?
> 
> I did it *once*, not -- oh. Good. Obedient. Right. Yes, I could
> remember this next time I get on your case. 

Heh. Nice.

> > Actually... ok, I just know I'm going to regret this but - somebody
> > made Harmony into a vampire?  Am I at least reading that right?  
> 
> Yes. 

Please - lie to me if you have to - tell me it wasn't you.  Tell me you're
not *that* stupid.

And - damn. I should tell Cordy.

> > 1. You keep staying on your best, most obediant behavior while we're
> > chatting in e-mail here
> 
> I will. I'm doin' my best, Angel. Really. Not my natural state, as you
> know, but for a reward like that, I can make an effort. 

Not like I'm giving you a choice, boyo.

> > 2. You write to Wes and beg *him* for the right to get your hands - or
> > any other body parts - on me.  And I do mean begging, and I do mean
> > with as much detail as it takes of *why* you want to.  
> 
> I will. But are we, are you, sure that detail is what he wants to hear?
> I don't want to hurt his feelings. 

As much detail as it needs.  I leave it to you to be the judge.

> > How 'bout property damage?
> 
> Property damage I can do. Property damage is fun! Got some furniture you
> need me to beat up? Windows, cars, ritual objects? I'm at your service.
> But then, you knew that. 

True.  And good to know. We'll see what comes up.

How's this chip work anyway?  Headaches? Do they last long? Does it 
depend on what you do?  

> P.S. Have you ever drawn Wesley?

You kidding?

A.