To: Wesley
From: Spike

Hello Wesley --

> Of course not.  Naturally if you felt inclined to share information with
> me -
>  correct the errors, as it were - I would be happy to make a note of it,
>  
> but such a thing would be for my own benefit, solely.

Sure, if there are errors. Don't know what benefit you'd get out of it.
You already know how to handle me. But you're more than welcome.

> > I'll do my best at the subtle thing. Or I could ask Tara. She and I
> > seem to understand each other a little, and she knows the least of the
> > Slayerette crew about all things Angel. 
> 
> Tara - Willow's companion, yes?  Xander mentioned the name.

Yes. She and Willow help Giles with research. Xander sits around and gets
on my bloody nerves, and Giles' too, I think. His ex-demon girlfriend
minds the cash register and talks about sex more than I do. And Buffy and
I hit things. As a division of labor, it has its points, mostly in that I
get away from the lot of them at regular intervals.

> > Pet, you don't know how much I want you when you say things like that.
> > But -- trust the chip, not me. Don't get me wrong, I don't ever want
> > to hurt you. But if the chip were out and I were to do what Angel did,
> > I don't know if I could stop myself. Haven't had much practice on the
> > self-control front. 
> 
> Would you want to hurt me?  

No, pet. 'Course not. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't want to bite you.
Don't. Want to bite you. The whole blood lust connection is a bit of an
unfortunate thing from the natural selection point of view -- we tend to
eat the ones we like and leave the ones we don't.

> The Council... doesn't actually worry, overmuch, about the life of the
> Slayer.  Speaking honestly, it was the first thing which made me
> question about my choice of career.  But, foolishly, I went along with
> it.  They had hundreds of years to figure out their philosophies, I was
> merely the latest trainee on the block.  Who was I to know better?
> 
> But if you worry, Spike, is that the Council doesn't care about Buffy's
> life - the answer is they don't.  Nor did they care for the life of any
> other Slayer.  One dies, another is Chosen.  Why should any single
> Slayer have the right to fight for their own life - a life which is
> meant to be dedicated to the killing of vampires - when it isn't as
> though she won't be immediately replaced?

Bastards. Sodding bastards. She gives her entire bloody life to their
cause, on their say so, with only them to rely on, and they treat her like
a used hankerchief. 

> And since we are both sharing our rounds of past guilt, I shall confess
> that when I came to Sunnydale, this was my belief too.  The Slayer
> fights, period.  Her death, the death of her friends - acceptable
> losses.  More than acceptable.

Yeah. Well. When I came to Sunnydale I thought she'd make a nice snack.
The place has a way of changing people. And -- you thought what you'd been
taught to think. When you saw for yourself, you learned different. That's
more than most people ever manage. I can't speak for the Slayer, of
course, but as far as I'm concerned you're off the hook.

> To that end, Spike, if you are interested in at least some things about
> the Slayer - training, choosing, etc. - I can at least share what I know
> of the process.  It is only the more detailed, historic aspects that I
> do not have access to.

I would appreciate that. Very much. You never know what might be
important. And... it brings me a little closer to her, to know.

> You're certainly welcome to as far as I am concerned.

And you're the boss. So that works well.

> Yes.  As you say, like, in bed.  Like, last night, specifically.  I
> could... provide intimate details, if you'd care for them?

I would. Very much so, pet.

> At the risk of completely horrifying you, it was Buffy who inspired
> Angel to become the way he is now, viz. interested in fighting the good
> fight, actually caring about goodness, etc.  I can't help but wonder if
> you yourself are not on a similar path.

This time, pet, you may have actually managed to horrify me. Didn't you
say something about the world barely handling the one Angel? I've no
desire to be the test case. He has a soul. I don't, we've all decided.
That must make *some* difference.

> I'm far from bored, and I can certainly understand the difficulties of
> change.

Yeah, you would, wouldn't you?

> > > Ah. I see.  Yes, that could be problematic.  Of course then if you
> > > did care the goal would be to not be relying so much upon the chip
> > > yourself.

> > Yeah. I'm working on that. Missing the blinding headaches would be a
> > plus too. Don't suppose you've got any suggestions? 
> 
> With regards to what?  I'd be happy to research what I could, if you
> could give me more specifics.  

Don't really know what the specifics are. Self-control? I don't suppose I
could get rid of my instincts -- I don't suppose I'd want to, even for
Buffy. They're who I am. But -- redirect them, maybe?

> I am inclined toward friendship, oddly enough.

I'm glad.

> > Pet -- I'm supposed to be begging you for the right to touch Angel
> > when I come to see you.
> 
> You're supposed to be doing *what*?

Begging. You. For the right to touch Angel. I asked, you see. And this was
his condition. Along with behavin' myself, which I am trying to do.

> > And I will. Fervrently and in great detail, I
> > promise. Except -- if you don't want me to no matter what I say, if
> > its going to make you feel jealous or insecure or left out or any bad
> > thing at all, tell me. Please. And I'll tell Angel I changed my mind.
> > I don't want to mistake you being unhappy for you being coy, and dump
> > more and more imaginary details on you that are going to make it
> > worse. 
> 
> Er - all right.  I think I understand.  But... wasn't that already a
> part of this?  I rather got the impression from Angel that you and he
> were - well, not always since I suppose this hasn't come up, so to
> speak, in over a century - but inclined to be hands on, on occasions
> such as this.  

Yeah. We were. But that was then. Now there's you. And you get a vote. A
veto, even. We can be hands on, so to speak, with you without so much as
touching each other, if that's what you'd prefer.

> > And don't, for whoever's sake, worry about fairness. It doesn't bother
> > Angel for me to touch you. If it does bother you for me to touch him,
> > then doing so is the furthest thing from a fair trade.
> 
> You know, honestly I don't think that it does.  I'm attempting to
> picture it, and it's not... well, to be honest, it's not as though he's
> in love with you, or you he, by anyone's stretch of the imagination.

I should bloody well hope not.

> > Anyway, you know
> > me. I don't give a shit about fairness. But I do give a shit about
> > you.
> 
> I wasn't aware that was one of the effects of the chip as well.

It's not. Might be the effect of friendship. I don't know. It's been a
long time.

So... is it okay, then? To start begging, as instructed, I mean?

-- Spike

***

To: Angel
From: Spike

> > > So you weren't just waiting for a good dramatic pause?
> > 
> > Definitely not. Notice me breakin' the bleedin' wall? That wasn't my
> > idea of a joke to lower the tension. 
> 
> Wasn't sure what the Hell you were doing there.

Not hitting you. Not yelling. Not crying. Not asking Buffy what the hell
she was thinking. Not running away. That pretty much covers it. All had to
go somewhere, and the wall was closest and safely inanimate. Didn't
realize the grip was quite *that* tight though. Trying hard to act
natural, started the hand gesture, forgot to let go first. Like you said,
me and emotions, never a good combination.

> > I always wanted you, Angel. 
> 
> No kidding, William.

Hey, I never claimed to be original. Just honest.

> > I still dream sometimes about your cock in my mouth, your hands
> > tangled in my hair and forcing my head down, your teeth in my throat. 
> 
> Do ya now? 

Of course I do. More than ever since we started this little letter-writing
spree.

> Carrying that hard on for a hundred years, then?

Pretty much.

> > I want to hear it again. I want to feel your hands on my face again,
> > gentle or harsh, I don't care. I want to taste your come again, Angel,
> > from your cock or from Wesley's lips.
> 
> Dunno, my boy. Have to see if you earn it.  Gotta lot of time to make up
> for.

Just -- let me try to earn it. Please.

> > I know I was -- am -- a cocky
> > brat sometimes, and part of that is just my natural charm and joie de
> > vivre. But the other part was that I wanted you to grab me, hit me,
> > knock me down, rub my nose in it like you always did, and make me know
> > my place. 

> All animals need training.

You certainly trained me like Pavlov's bloody dogs. A hundred years later,
ring the bell and here I am, panting and begging.

> > I --liked -- that place. On the ground. At your feet.

> Good that you know where you belong.

You taught me well.

> > I grew up, after.
> > I got to be the top dog and take care of Dru, and have other people at
> > my feet for a change. And I liked it. I liked it a lot. But I missed
> > you.
> 
> Missed getting royally fucked, you mean.

That too. But not just that. Missed you calling me "boy". Must be goin'
soft.

> > And when I saw you again, it drove me nuts that it seemed like
> > you'd lost all that when you got the soul. Glad to see I was wrong. 

> Seemed to enjoy revelling in my downfall, though.  I think you're gonna
> have to make that up to me, my boy.  You know I don't like being
> questioned.

For fuck's sake, Angel. I pushed a little, and you didn't push back. So I
pushed a little more. And you still didn't push back. I didn't know what
the hell to do. That had never happened before. I kept waiting for the
slap down and it just never came. Yeah, I had a laugh or two. You know,
student surpasses the master, that kind of thing. Only it wasn't like
that, because you had just...lost interest. In me, in the whole game, I
didn't know. 

A lot can happen in a hundred years, especially to someone with a soul. I
guess I figured -- I was as disgusting to you without one as you were to
Darla for having one. Well I couldn't be having with that. So I started
acting like her, all nose in the air. That was pretty much it for my role
models, you know. Unless I was gonna start prancing in ruddy circles and
chatting up the constellations. But never mind that now. How can I make it
up to you?

> Yeah but was that how she knew? I'm wondering if somebody told her.

I did too, but who? Fuck knows I'm no Scoobie Gang fan, but I can't see
them slipping the latest intel to my ex. What's in it for them? The
commandos that put it in the first place have disbanded and scattered to
hell and gone. You didn't do it, or you wouldn't be bringin' it up. Wesley
didn't know, unless you mentioned it. Buffy would rather be shot than talk
to Dru. Giles? The Watcher's Council? Best bet is the grapevine -- word is
out that I'm teamed up with the Slayer, at least at Willy's, and someone's
bound to know why. Someone always does. 

> Just drink.  Slipped.  Should've minded more than I did.

Doesn't sound so bad to me. 'Course, its me. But if they weren't hurt...
I've been thinkin' about that. If I ever was to get the chip out. There's
always freaks will say yes to that sort of thing. But there are ...
complications, there.

> Nah. We're just amused.

Good. I'm better at that.

> > > Could we maybe remember this the next time you get on *my* ass about
> > > being overdramatic?
> > 
> > I did it *once*, not -- oh. Good. Obedient. Right. Yes, I could
> > remember this next time I get on your case. 
> 
> Heh. Nice.

Thanks.

> > > Actually... ok, I just know I'm going to regret this but - somebody
> > > made Harmony into a vampire?  Am I at least reading that right?  
> > 
> > Yes. 
> 
> Please - lie to me if you have to - tell me it wasn't you.  Tell me
> you're not *that* stupid.

It wasn't me. I'm not that stupid.

> Not like I'm giving you a choice, boyo.

I know. Just sayin' I'm strongly motivated.

> > > 2. You write to Wes and beg *him* for the right to get your hands -
> > > or any other body parts - on me.  And I do mean begging, and I do
> > > mean with as much detail as it takes of *why* you want to.

Still explaining to him that he has the right to say no. Gotta get that
settled, or begging really doesn't work quite right -- if nothing else,
its over far too quickly.

> > > How 'bout property damage?
> > 
> > Property damage I can do. Property damage is fun! Got some furniture
> > you need me to beat up? Windows, cars, ritual objects? I'm at your
> > service. But then, you knew that. 
> 
> True.  And good to know. We'll see what comes up.

Sounds good.

> How's this chip work anyway?  Headaches? Do they last long? Does it
> depend on what you do?  

Headaches. They're all pretty damned incapaciting, but but it does get
stronger and last longer depending on what I do - or try to do. 

> > P.S. Have you ever drawn Wesley?
> 
> You kidding?

Nope. He said you hadn't, that he knew of. If you have, I think he might
like to see. For that matter, so would I.

--Spike

***

To: Spike
From: Wesley

> > Of course not.  Naturally if you felt inclined to share information
> > with me -
> >  correct the errors, as it were - I would be happy to make a note of
> >  it, 
> > but such a thing would be for my own benefit, solely.
> 
> Sure, if there are errors. Don't know what benefit you'd get out of it.

Personal interest?  Er - that is to say academically.  The history of you,
Darla, Dru and Angelus has some notable blank spaces.

> You already know how to handle me. But you're more than welcome. 

Thank you.

> > Tara - Willow's companion, yes?  Xander mentioned the name.
> 
> Yes. She and Willow help Giles with research. Xander sits around and
> gets on my bloody nerves, and Giles' too, I think. His ex-demon
> girlfriend minds the cash register and talks about sex more than I do.
> And Buffy and I hit things. As a division of labor, it has its points,
> mostly in that I get away from the lot of them at regular intervals. 

I must confess this is rather bemusing.

> > Would you want to hurt me?  
> 
> No, pet. 'Course not. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't want to bite you.
> Don't. Want to bite you. The whole blood lust connection is a bit of an
> unfortunate thing from the natural selection point of view -- we tend to
> eat the ones we like and leave the ones we don't. 

I see.  So it isn't that you would attempt to perform torture on me, just
that without the chip you don't think that you would be able to resist
drinking from me as Angel did.

> Bastards. Sodding bastards. She gives her entire bloody life to their
> cause, on their say so, with only them to rely on, and they treat her
> like a used hankerchief. 

The Slayer is the tool of the Council - in the Concil's opinion.  By their
way of thinking she is Chosen to work for them, and should be grateful for
it.  

And what you must understand is that the Council does not 
comprehend the idea of "gives her life on their say so".  To them it is
like saying a fish gives its life to water - it just *is*.  

Buffy was totally beyond the Council's understanding.  And that was 
entirely due to the fact that she grew up in ignorance of her potential. 
To her it was natural to question why she should listen to them, whereas
to the Council it was completely unheard of to be challenged.

As for treating her like a used hankerchief - I think the more apt 
metaphor would be tissue.  Useful when needed, gets the job done, 
then thrown away in place of another once it's used up.

> Yeah. Well. When I came to Sunnydale I thought she'd make a nice snack.
> The place has a way of changing people. And -- you thought what you'd
> been taught to think. When you saw for yourself, you learned different.
> That's more than most people ever manage. I can't speak for the Slayer,
> of course, but as far as I'm concerned you're off the hook. 

Thank you.  This actually is the very crux of why the Council no longer
trusts me.  I've succumbed to the dark side, you see.  Allowed myself to
become corrupted.

> > To that end, Spike, if you are interested in at least some things
> > about the Slayer - training, choosing, etc. - I can at least share
> > what I know of the process.  It is only the more detailed, historic
> > aspects that I do not have access to.
> 
> I would appreciate that. Very much. You never know what might be
> important. And... it brings me a little closer to her, to know. 

You share what you know of Angel, I'll share what I know of Slayers.

On that note - what would you like to know?  As I don't know what you may
or may not be aware of, I'm uncertain where to start, or what you might
have an interest in.

> > Yes.  As you say, like, in bed.  Like, last night, specifically.  I
> > could... provide intimate details, if you'd care for them?
> 
> I would. Very much so, pet.

All right then.

Based upon what you said, it occured to me that Angel might not listen to
me save in a certain context.  So I decided - as you foresaw - to wait
until we were alone together.

Now I truly do wish I had better words to describe it.

Er - I knew that Angel had to be thinking - or rather, *not* thinking, to
a certain extent - which would only come from arousal.  Knowing that, I
didn't speak until we were in his bed, with him already expressing a
desire for me.

I then started to tell him what I told you - how affected I was by his
protection of me, particularly when he allowed the demon to come out for
the purpose - and he was, as you guessed, affected by it.  I think,
though, this was entirely due to the situation. Had this been dinner
conversation he might have changed the subject.  But, in context as I say,
he seemed to find the words appealing. Very appealing.

He - erm - mentioned some things I'd said which he liked as well then,
well, the evening concluded rather passionately.

I know this is hardly the details that I promised - perhaps Angel could
tell it better.  Undoubtedly he could.  But I did wish to try for this
reason -

When he and I came together, Spike, his eyes changed color.  
Deliberately, because I'd asked it.  It was, for me, incredible.  However
now I worry that I might have pushed too far.  Was I tormenting him too
much?  I - I begin to understand how a little torment can be pleasurable,
but I hate to think of myself as being the cause that completely undoes
him.  Your thoughts?

> > At the risk of completely horrifying you, it was Buffy who inspired
> > Angel to become the way he is now, viz. interested in fighting the
> > good fight, actually caring about goodness, etc.  I can't help but
> > wonder if you yourself are not on a similar path.
> 
> This time, pet, you may have actually managed to horrify me. Didn't you
> say something about the world barely handling the one Angel? 

One vampire with a soul, yes.

> I've no
> desire to be the test case. He has a soul. I don't, we've all decided.
> That must make *some* difference. 

True. But on the other hand what does the soul - or lack therein - really
do?  This has been a matter on Angel's mind especially, of late.  He was
able to revert to evil while still in full possession of it (this being
his actions of the past months, prior to rehiring).  If, then, the
possession of a soul does not keep him from becoming evil, could it not be
argued that the lack of one would not keep you...

Er.  No. I shan't offend you.

> > With regards to what?  I'd be happy to research what I could, if you
> > could give me more specifics.  
> 
> Don't really know what the specifics are. Self-control? I don't suppose
> I could get rid of my instincts -- I don't suppose I'd want to, even for
> Buffy. They're who I am. But -- redirect them, maybe? 

Instincts for what? Killing?  Again - bear with me as I strive to narrow
my research down.  I certainly know of various techniques which can be
used to quell a demon - or encourage one - but the scientific aspects of
this make the entire thing rather challenging.

> > You're supposed to be doing *what*?
> 
> Begging. You. For the right to touch Angel. I asked, you see. And this
> was his condition. Along with behavin' myself, which I am trying to do. 

I see.

> Yeah. We were. But that was then. Now there's you. And you get a vote. A
> veto, even. We can be hands on, so to speak, with you without so much as
> touching each other, if that's what you'd prefer. 

Ah. I see.

> > I wasn't aware that was one of the effects of the chip as well.
> 
> It's not. Might be the effect of friendship. I don't know. It's been a
> long time.

Which again shows that emotions are possible even without a soul.

> So... is it okay, then? To start begging, as instructed, I mean?

I suppose it is.  Never having been begged before, I'm not sure what to
say.

Wesley

***

To: Spike
From: Angel

> > Wasn't sure what the Hell you were doing there.
> 
> Not asking Buffy what the
> hell she was thinking. 

Her and me both.

> > No kidding, William.
> 
> Hey, I never claimed to be original. Just honest.

Good boy.

> > > I still dream sometimes about your cock in my mouth, your hands
> > > tangled in my hair and forcing my head down, your teeth in my
> > > throat. 
> > 
> > Do ya now? 
> 
> Of course I do. More than ever since we started this little
> letter-writing spree.

Poor baby.

> > Dunno, my boy. Have to see if you earn it.  Gotta lot of time to make
> > up for.
> 
> Just -- let me try to earn it. Please.

Begging. Nice.  Keep that up.

> > All animals need training.
> 
> You certainly trained me like Pavlov's bloody dogs. A hundred years
> later, ring the bell and here I am, panting and begging. 

Have to admit, I'm impressed.  You always were an interesting pet.

> > Missed getting royally fucked, you mean.
> 
> That too. But not just that. Missed you calling me "boy". Must be goin'
> soft.

Obvious puns aside - why?  Just like knowing who your sire is, boy?

> For fuck's sake, Angel. I pushed a little, and you didn't push back. So
> I pushed a little more. And you still didn't push back. I didn't know
> what the hell to do. That had never happened before. 

Imagine how I felt.

> I kept waiting for
> the slap down and it just never came. Yeah, I had a laugh or two. You
> know, student surpasses the master, that kind of thing.

Sure as Hell would've laughed at you. I'll admit it.

> Only it wasn't
> like that, because you had just...lost interest. In me, in the whole
> game, I didn't know. 

Lost my fucking mind.

> A lot can happen in a hundred years, especially to someone with a soul. 

You'd think.

> I guess I figured -- I was as disgusting to you without one as you were
> to Darla for having one. 

I'll be honest, Spike, I didn't think of you. Darla a bit, then I just
fucking stopped.  Couldn't deal, couldn't cope, couldn't care.  Still not
sure how or why I survived it.

In Sunnydale - you were that pissant little kid who was getting in my way.
 So yeah, I got in yours.  But that was about it.

> How can I make it up to you? 

You start by being my good boy again.  The rest comes when you get 
here.  Don't worry. It'll be... creative.

> > Yeah but was that how she knew? I'm wondering if somebody told her.
> 
> I did too, but who? Fuck knows I'm no Scoobie Gang fan, but I can't see
> them slipping the latest intel to my ex. What's in it for them? The
> commandos that put it in the first place have disbanded and scattered to
> hell and gone. You didn't do it, or you wouldn't be bringin' it up.
> Wesley didn't know, unless you mentioned it. Buffy would rather be shot
> than talk to Dru. Giles? The Watcher's Council? Best bet is the
> grapevine -- word is out that I'm teamed up with the Slayer, at least at
> Willy's, and someone's bound to know why. Someone always does. 

Yeah - Wes and I didn't know until we got told directly.  But Dru...
Possible combination here. Grapevine gets the word to LA, W&H gets the
word to Dru.  It'd make sense, esp. since they were keeping tabs on her. 
Might wanna watch your back, boyo.

> > Please - lie to me if you have to - tell me it wasn't you.  Tell me
> > you're not *that* stupid.
> 
> It wasn't me. I'm not that stupid.

Thank God.  So is she dead yet? Harmony?

> > > > 2. You write to Wes and beg *him* for the right to get your hands
> > > > - or any other body parts - on me.  And I do mean begging, and I
> > > > do mean with as much detail as it takes of *why* you want to.
> 
> Still explaining to him that he has the right to say no. Gotta get that
> settled, or begging really doesn't work quite right -- if nothing else,
> its over far too quickly. 

Quick was always your problem.

> > How's this chip work anyway?  Headaches? Do they last long? Does it
> > depend on what you do?  
> 
> Headaches. They're all pretty damned incapaciting, but but it does get
> stronger and last longer depending on what I do - or try to do. 

So let's say you accidentally bump into Xander - that gonna set it off? 
You get a bigger jolt if you try hiting him on purpose?  How long would it
last?

And no - I'm not saying to beat the crap out of Xander to find out.  Just
trying to get a mental picture, here.

> > > P.S. Have you ever drawn Wesley?
> > 
> > You kidding?
> 
> Nope. He said you hadn't, that he knew of. If you have, I think he
> might like to see. For that matter, so would I. 

Huh. Didn't think he'd be interested.  Yeah. Sure. To you both.

A.

***

To: Wesley
From: Spike

Hello pet -- 

> > Sure, if there are errors. Don't know what benefit you'd get out of
> > it.
> 
> Personal interest?  Er - that is to say academically.  The history of
> you, Darla, Dru and Angelus has some notable blank spaces.

Fair enough. You could ask Darla and Dru too, you know. Darla likes to
brag, if she's anything like the old days, and Dru is pretty well
incomprehensible at times, but if you don't tune it out it can be oddly
illuminating. You're used to Cordelia's visions -- you'd probably do
better than most.

> > Yes. She and Willow help Giles with research. Xander sits around and
> > gets on my bloody nerves, and Giles' too, I think. His ex-demon
> > girlfriend minds the cash register and talks about sex more than I do.
> > And Buffy and I hit things. As a division of labor, it has its points,
> > mostly in that I get away from the lot of them at regular intervals. 
> 
> I must confess this is rather bemusing.

How so?

> > > Would you want to hurt me?  
> > 
> > No, pet. 'Course not. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't want to bite
> > you. Don't. Want to bite you. The whole blood lust connection is a bit
> > of an unfortunate thing from the natural selection point of view -- we
> > tend to eat the ones we like and leave the ones we don't. 
> 
> I see.  So it isn't that you would attempt to perform torture on me,
> just that without the chip you don't think that you would be able to
> resist drinking from me as Angel did.

Yeah. That pretty much says it. I don't know -- I might be able to keep
from goin' all bumpy in the first place. But once I did, I'm thinkin' I'd
definitely drink, and I'm not as sure as I'd like to be that I'd even be
able to stop that in time. So if I should ever be lucky enough to get the
chip out, and you still have an interest in continuing these entertaining
activities, we'd better dig up Angel's old chains and you can get in touch
with your more aggressive side. At least till we figure out where things
stand.

> The Slayer is the tool of the Council - in the Concil's opinion.  By
> their way of thinking she is Chosen to work for them, and should be
> grateful for it.  

Did I mention yet that the council is a bunch of self-righteous sodding
pricks? Even on my worst day I just kill people slowly and painfully. I
don't think they were put on this earth for the purpose of enlivening my
dull Sunday afternoon, and should say "thank you" for each blow. Well,
unless they're into that.

> And what you must understand is that the Council does not 
> comprehend the idea of "gives her life on their say so".  To them it is
> like saying a fish gives its life to water - it just *is*.  

And stupid self-righteous sodding pricks at that.

> Buffy was totally beyond the Council's understanding.  And that was
> entirely due to the fact that she grew up in ignorance of her potential.
>  To her it was natural to question why she should listen to them,
> whereas to the Council it was completely unheard of to be challenged.

How did that happen, anyway? How do they usually find the girls, and how
did they miss her?

> As for treating her like a used hankerchief - I think the more apt
> metaphor would be tissue.  Useful when needed, gets the job done, then
> thrown away in place of another once it's used up.

Ugly, mean, petty, stupid self-righteous sodding pricks. Not that I'm
bitter.

> > Yeah. Well. When I came to Sunnydale I thought she'd make a nice
> > snack. The place has a way of changing people. And -- you thought what
> > you'd been taught to think. When you saw for yourself, you learned
> > different. That's more than most people ever manage. I can't speak for
> > the Slayer, of course, but as far as I'm concerned you're off the
> > hook. 
> 
> Thank you.  This actually is the very crux of why the Council no longer
> trusts me.  I've succumbed to the dark side, you see.  Allowed myself to
> become corrupted.

By new information. Oh the horror. They must be pretty crappy researchers
if they can't bare to revaluate a hypothesis in the light of new data.
Look, I'm all for succumbing to the dark side. I like the dark side. I
live there. If you'd like to come to the dark side, I'd welcome you with
open arms, and anything else you might care for. But by the same token, I
ought to bloody well recognize it. And that's not even the slightly dingy
light side.

> > > To that end, Spike, if you are interested in at least some things
> > > about the Slayer - training, choosing, etc. - I can at least share
> > > what I know of the process.  It is only the more detailed, historic
> > > aspects that I do not have access to.
> > 
> > I would appreciate that. Very much. You never know what might be
> > important. And... it brings me a little closer to her, to know. 
> 
> You share what you know of Angel, I'll share what I know of Slayers.

It's a deal.

> On that note - what would you like to know?  As I don't know what you
> may or may not be aware of, I'm uncertain where to start, or what you
> might have an interest in.

I don't know much, really. Can you give me the sixpence summary and I'll
jump in with questions as they occur?

> Based upon what you said, it occured to me that Angel might not listen
> to me save in a certain context.  So I decided - as you foresaw - to
> wait until we were alone together.
> 
> Now I truly do wish I had better words to describe it.

I could teach you. So could Angel. Not better words, but more words, and
maybe more primal words. Shorter, anyway.

> Er - I knew that Angel had to be thinking - or rather, *not* thinking,
> to a certain extent - which would only come from arousal.  Knowing that,
> I didn't speak until we were in his bed, with him already expressing a
> desire for me.

Good planning, pet.

> I then started to tell him what I told you - how affected I was by his
> protection of me, particularly when he allowed the demon to come out for
> the purpose - and he was, as you guessed, affected by it.  I think,
> though, this was entirely due to the situation. Had this been dinner
> conversation he might have changed the subject.  But, in context as I
> say, he seemed to find the words appealing. Very appealing.

Anyone would. Well, any vampire involved with a human, which is a limited
group, but not as small as you might think.

> He - erm - mentioned some things I'd said which he liked as well then,
> well, the evening concluded rather passionately.

> I know this is hardly the details that I promised - perhaps Angel could
> tell it better.  Undoubtedly he could.  But I did wish to try for this
> reason -

Not better, pet. More graphically, maybe. And I'll enjoy it if he does.
I'd enjoy it if you'd try. But this is fine. I can hear you sayin' it,
y'see.

> When he and I came together, Spike, his eyes changed color.  
> Deliberately, because I'd asked it.  It was, for me, incredible. 
> However now I worry that I might have pushed too far.  Was I tormenting
> him too much?  I - I begin to understand how a little torment can be
> pleasurable, but I hate to think of myself as being the cause that
> completely undoes him.  Your thoughts?

Oh, pet. I'm not the right one to ask. How can I tell you that? I don't
think you were tormenting him too much. I think you were tormenting him
just right -- a little flirtation with danger adds a spice like nothing
else. And he of all people is in a position to know that. Intimately.  And
-- you've told him that who he is, uniquely, is what you desire. That has
to be a pleasure to make any torment worth while. 

But -- I'm not Angel. The only danger I would risk, in that situation, is
to myself. I think, if you're worried, that you'll need to ask him. And
this time, not in bed. Or at least, not until you're cuddling afterwards.
But don't forget to tell him how incredible it was for you. You don't want
him to mistake your scuples for fear.

> > > At the risk of completely horrifying you, it was Buffy who inspired
> > > Angel to become the way he is now, viz. interested in fighting the
> > > good fight, actually caring about goodness, etc.  I can't help but
> > > wonder if you yourself are not on a similar path.
> > 
> > This time, pet, you may have actually managed to horrify me. Didn't
> > you say something about the world barely handling the one Angel? 
> 
> One vampire with a soul, yes.
> 
> > I've no
> > desire to be the test case. He has a soul. I don't, we've all decided.
> > That must make *some* difference. 
> 
> True. But on the other hand what does the soul - or lack therein -
> really do?  This has been a matter on Angel's mind especially, of late. 
> He was able to revert to evil while still in full possession of it (this
> being his actions of the past months, prior to rehiring).  If, then, the
> possession of a soul does not keep him from becoming evil, could it not
> be argued that the lack of one would not keep you...

I have no fucking clue what the soul does. That's been bothering me for a
long time. I've had this exact conversation with Buffy, in fact, though I
was rather more angry at the time. Even leavin' Angel out of this, we can
all name humans who were right bleeding bastards despite the soul -- and
it seems you, at least, can name demons who are positively benign. 

> Er.  No. I shan't offend you.

No, you shan't. You won't. It's all *right*, pet. Say what you think with
me. It wouldn't keep me from turning good. The word won't bite. And
neither will I, apparently. In theory, I can't see a flaw in your logic.
In practice...  I feel a bit like a jaguar bein' asked to become a
vegetarian.

> Instincts for what? Killing?  Again - bear with me as I strive to narrow
> my research down.  I certainly know of various techniques which can be
> used to quell a demon - or encourage one - but the scientific aspects of
> this make the entire thing rather challenging.

Killing would be a good start. General mayhem and mischief making is
probably past prayin' for. Quell a demon? Encourage one? Sorry, I'm just a
bit lost here. I'm me, I think of myself as -- me. If I have some demon
floatin' around inside me, it doesn't feel separate from the rest. But you
seem to be sayin' there's a way to pick out just that bit and beat it down
-- how? 

> > It's not. Might be the effect of friendship. I don't know. It's been a
> > long time.
> 
> Which again shows that emotions are possible even without a soul.

Oh, that I knew. I loved Dru for years. I loved Angelus, even, though not
the same way, don't worry. Like a father, mostly, only with sex. That came
out far more disturbing than I intended. One of those places where the
human relationship analogy breaks down.

> > So... is it okay, then? To start begging, as instructed, I mean?
> 
> I suppose it is.  Never having been begged before, I'm not sure what to
> say.

Start with "no". End with "no" too, if you like, but even if you mean to
say yes in the end, its more fun to drag it out a bit. And then... as with
blackmail, you have something I want. Make me work for it. You can set me
tasks, if you like, to earn it. You can make me tell you things, or
describe fantasies. Play with the power a bit, if you feel like it. This
is one of those times where it almost can't be abused, because the delay
and the effort are gratifying to all concerned. I was going to say both,
but trust me, Angel will be pleased too.

This is harder in email than in would be in person. You could hear the
rasp of longing in my voice. You could see me on my knees. "Please" is one
of those words that I never get tired of hearing, but a page full of it
would soon lose its meaning. Still, for what it's worth: Please, Wesley.
Let me touch him. It's been so long.

--Spike

***

To: Spike
From: Wesley

> Hello pet -- 

Spike.

> Fair enough. You could ask Darla and Dru too, you know. Darla likes to
> brag, if she's anything like the old days, and Dru is pretty well
> incomprehensible at times, but if you don't tune it out it can be oddly
> illuminating. You're used to Cordelia's visions -- you'd probably do
> better than most. 

Er - probably. But my brief encounters with Darla were more than 
enough.  Besideswhich, such a thing would not be good for Angel.

> > > Yes. She and Willow help Giles with research. Xander sits around and
> > > gets on my bloody nerves, and Giles' too, I think. His ex-demon
> > > girlfriend minds the cash register and talks about sex more than I
> > > do. And Buffy and I hit things. As a division of labor, it has its
> > > points, mostly in that I get away from the lot of them at regular
> > > intervals. 
> > 
> > I must confess this is rather bemusing.
> 
> How so?

It's a strange sort of domesticity that I can immediately understand. 
We've something similar here.  I research and take charge, Cordy provides
visions and some customer savvy, Angel and Gunn hit things.  

Yet for us all it works.

> Yeah. That pretty much says it. I don't know -- I might be able to keep
> from goin' all bumpy in the first place. But once I did, I'm thinkin'
> I'd definitely drink, and I'm not as sure as I'd like to be that I'd
> even be able to stop that in time. So if I should ever be lucky enough
> to get the chip out, and you still have an interest in continuing these
> entertaining activities, we'd better dig up Angel's old chains and you
> can get in touch with your more aggressive side. At least till we figure
> out where things stand. 

I see.  Well there is always Angel himself, who is stronger than you. 
And, as you say, Angel's chains, which are not exactly tucked away in the
hotel attic.

> How did that happen, anyway? How do they usually find the girls, and how
> did they miss her? 

The girls are found through a variety of means.  Some research is done on
potential bloodlines, family history, oracular mentions of the coming of
the Slayer, etc.  Others are given to the Council directly by their
families in the hopes that they might be the ones.

Buffy was overlooked - well, frankly, I suspect the first problem was that
she was American.  The Council doesn't research the United States as much,
due to Anglocentric bias that was unfortunately reinforced during the
British Empire by the fact that sheer global geography increased the odds
that the next Slayer would come from somewhere under HM's name.  

Secondly, even if the Council had stepped up their observations in that
area - to wit, California - there was nothing about Buffy Summers which
would have suggested Slayer potential.  Period.  I can't explain it save
to say it's like wondering why the plains do not suggest mountains - they
just don't.  Bananas do not suggest puppy dogs.  

Frankly, the Council knows bugger all about why the Chosen One is 
Chosen.  When it was all explained to me it seemed a great deal of 
guesswork combined with "just 'cause".  Personally I have always felt that
the plural of anecdote is not "theory".

> > As for treating her like a used hankerchief - I think the more apt
> > metaphor would be tissue.  Useful when needed, gets the job done, then
> > thrown away in place of another once it's used up.
> 
> Ugly, mean, petty, stupid self-righteous sodding pricks. Not that I'm
> bitter.

You can see why Rupert was summarily fired, however.  Completely 
unheard of that he would develop affections for the Slayer - as though she
were *human* or some such thing.  Rupert could've confessed to the Council
that he'd felt paternally towards his reading glasses with about as much
ridicule and retribution.  

> > Thank you.  This actually is the very crux of why the Council no
> > longer trusts me.  I've succumbed to the dark side, you see.  Allowed
> > myself to become corrupted.
> 
> By new information. Oh the horror. They must be pretty crappy
> researchers if they can't bare to revaluate a hypothesis in the light of
> new data. Look, I'm all for succumbing to the dark side. I like the dark
> side. I live there. If you'd like to come to the dark side, I'd welcome
> you with open arms, and anything else you might care for. But by the
> same token, I ought to bloody well recognize it. And that's not even the
> slightly dingy light side. 

True, but then consider that they are now highly aware that I have not
only rejected them but I am A) working with a vampire B) made it clear to
them on multiple occasions that I would choose that vampire over them on
any day and C) said vampire is Angelus.  

Frankly they don't even need to be made aware of D) Wesley is 
desperately in love with this vampire or E) He is having sex with him as
well.  A-C more or less cover it.  I'm sure they've gathered the rest. 
After all, once you've made the deal with the devil, why not get on your
knees for him as well?

This is not just a matter of my opinions.  Rupert was fired as well, but
the Council did not try to track him down - that I am aware of during the
time of my tenure.  In fact, my instructions were simply to keep him out
of the way.  I wasn't told to attempt to punish him, show him the error of
his ways (beyond my expected to be sterling example) or any other such
thing.  The Council just didn't care.  He was something to be pitied,
perhaps. Mentioned to students as a cautionary tale.  But that was it,
because Rupert's behavior was restricted to caring about Buffy.  So, in
that sense, he wasn't considered harmful. Just a bad influence upon her.

I, on the other hand, have joined forces with the enemy, and one of its
most notable villans at that.  Unforgiveable.

> > On that note - what would you like to know?  As I don't know what you
> > may or may not be aware of, I'm uncertain where to start, or what you
> > might have an interest in.
> 
> I don't know much, really. Can you give me the sixpence summary and I'll
> jump in with questions as they occur? 

Has what I've said so far helped any?

The sixpence summary, I suppose, is that the Council views Slayers as a
naturally occuring event not unlike that of an eclipse.  The Council's
resources, then, are dedicated to researching anything that might be
needed to further the Slayer's training (and discovery, if she is not
within the Council's hold at the time) so that she might become a vampire
killing machine.  Her life, such as she has one, is to be this and this
alone.  She must kill vampires until she dies - typically at a very young
age - and then the next one takes her place.  

> > I then started to tell him what I told you - how affected I was by his
> > protection of me, particularly when he allowed the demon to come out
> > for the purpose - and he was, as you guessed, affected by it.  I
> > think, though, this was entirely due to the situation. Had this been
> > dinner conversation he might have changed the subject.  But, in
> > context as I say, he seemed to find the words appealing. Very
> > appealing.
> 
> Anyone would. Well, any vampire involved with a human, which is a
> limited group, but not as small as you might think. 

Becoming larger all the time, it would seem.

> > I know this is hardly the details that I promised - perhaps Angel
> > could tell it better.  Undoubtedly he could.  But I did wish to try
> > for this reason -
> 
> Not better, pet. More graphically, maybe. And I'll enjoy it if he does.

You're welcome to ask him.  I know I was not terribly coherent. I'm far
better at encyclopedia recitations.

> Oh, pet. I'm not the right one to ask. How can I tell you that? 

You can at least provide an honest vampire's perspective.  I wanted to ask
this of you, before attempting to ask Angel, given the possibility that
Angel might hide his true feelings out of guilt.  

> I don't
> think you were tormenting him too much. I think you were tormenting him
> just right -- a little flirtation with danger adds a spice like nothing
> else. And he of all people is in a position to know that. Intimately.
> And -- you've told him that who he is, uniquely, is what you desire.
> That has to be a pleasure to make any torment worth while. 

I hope that it was.  It seemed that it was.

> But -- I'm not Angel. The only danger I would risk, in that situation,
> is to myself. I think, if you're worried, that you'll need to ask him.
> And this time, not in bed. Or at least, not until you're cuddling
> afterwards. But don't forget to tell him how incredible it was for you.
> You don't want him to mistake your scuples for fear. 

All right. I shall.  Thank you.

> I have no fucking clue what the soul does. That's been bothering me for
> a long time. I've had this exact conversation with Buffy, in fact,
> though I was rather more angry at the time. Even leavin' Angel out of
> this, we can all name humans who were right bleeding bastards despite
> the soul -- and it seems you, at least, can name demons who are
> positively benign. 

As well as quite useful and friendly.  Angel's former companion Doyle, for
instance.  The Host of Caritas.  Still others that we interact with,
although are not necessarily as close to.

It seems to me as though the possibility - at least for demons - lies all
over the spectrum.  Why not vampires as well?

I ask that honestly. I don't know the answer.

> > Er.  No. I shan't offend you.
> 
> No, you shan't. You won't. It's all *right*, pet. Say what you think
> with me. It wouldn't keep me from turning good. The word won't bite.

I know. I was only attempting to tease, knowing how much you enjoy 
being called evil.

> And neither will I, apparently. In theory, I can't see a flaw in your
> logic. In practice...  I feel a bit like a jaguar bein' asked to become
> a vegetarian. 

The most interesting part of this, for me, is that you are at least 
considering the question.  Perhaps with greatest potential being on you
saying no, but even still you are considering. I do not think a jaguar
would do the same.  

Forgive me, Spike.  I don't mean to force you under a microscope.  It is
just that I find the entire puzzle of this to be fascinating and am
attempting to share my thoughts with you as I have them.

> Killing would be a good start. General mayhem and mischief making is
> probably past prayin' for. Quell a demon? Encourage one? Sorry, I'm just
> a bit lost here. I'm me, I think of myself as -- me. If I have some
> demon floatin' around inside me, it doesn't feel separate from the rest.
> But you seem to be sayin' there's a way to pick out just that bit and
> beat it down -- how? 

My apologies again.  I suspect Angel might be more used to my 
methods than you are.

Vampires are, by their nature, demonic.  As I do not know anything 
about chips, I'm attempting to see how much of this can be put into 
terms that I can understand.

If the goal is to get you away from killing without the chip in your head
- well the curse would have been the first place to start.  But that did
not work.  My mind then thought of spells which could be used to increase
or decrease a demon's powers, or get one to perform certain tasks, as
another possible area.  It would be an area that would require
considerable research, and undoubtedly experimentation, for if it were
that easy to remove the danger yet keep the man someone would have
obviously attempted this on Angel.

Why did Willow's curse fail? In what manner?

> Oh, that I knew. I loved Dru for years. I loved Angelus, even, though
> not the same way, don't worry. Like a father, mostly, only with sex.
> That came out far more disturbing than I intended. One of those places
> where the human relationship analogy breaks down. 

That's all right. I understand.  I've seen Darla and Angel together, after
all.

Er - not like that.  You know what I mean.

> > I suppose it is.  Never having been begged before, I'm not sure what
> > to say.
> 
> Start with "no". 

All right then - no.  You can't touch him.

> Still, for what it's worth: Please,
> Wesley. Let me touch him. It's been so long. 

Why do you want to?

Wesley

***

To: Angel
From: Spike

> > > Wasn't sure what the Hell you were doing there.
> > 
> > Not asking Buffy what the
> > hell she was thinking. 
> 
> Her and me both.

Thought I knew what you were thinking, luv. Like, exactly what I'd be
thinking if she ever turned that melting look on me. Might have been wrong
there. But it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask. At least not until
after I'd ripped your balls off and fed them to you. Hence the wall.

> > Of course I do. More than ever since we started this little
> > letter-writing spree.
> 
> Poor baby.

I'm not complaining, trust me. 

> Begging. Nice.  Keep that up.

I will. On two fronts, now that I've explained the concept to Wesley. It
feels a bit like doing both halves of a puppet show, but he's already
tried to blackmail me, so I have every confidence that he'll learn fast.

> > You certainly trained me like Pavlov's bloody dogs. A hundred years
> > later, ring the bell and here I am, panting and begging. 
> 
> Have to admit, I'm impressed.  You always were an interesting pet.

Thank you. I try.

> > > Missed getting royally fucked, you mean.
> > 
> > That too. But not just that. Missed you calling me "boy". Must be
> > goin' soft.
> 
> Obvious puns aside - why?  Just like knowing who your sire is, boy?

I guess. I don't know, Angel. Just makes me feel like it does when you
grab the back of my neck. Half all's right with the world, and half better
roll over and offer my throat, quick.

> > For fuck's sake, Angel. I pushed a little, and you didn't push back.
> > So I pushed a little more. And you still didn't push back. I didn't
> > know what the hell to do. That had never happened before. 
> 
> Imagine how I felt.

Yeah, I've been doing a lot of that lately. But at the time I couldn't.

> > I kept waiting for
> > the slap down and it just never came. Yeah, I had a laugh or two. You
> > know, student surpasses the master, that kind of thing.
> 
> Sure as Hell would've laughed at you. I'll admit it.

Did, by what I hear. (Dawn, not Wesley.) Are we even?

> > Only it wasn't
> > like that, because you had just...lost interest. In me, in the whole
> > game, I didn't know. 
> 
> Lost my fucking mind.

I can see that. And no, I don't mean that as a smart ass remark. I tried
to stake myself. I get it.

> > A lot can happen in a hundred years, especially to someone with a
> > soul. 
> 
> You'd think.

Didn't it? I don't want to bring up painful memories. But I've got a
helluva curiosity if you ever have the inclination.

> > I guess I figured -- I was as disgusting to you without one as you
> > were to Darla for having one. 
> 
> I'll be honest, Spike, I didn't think of you. 

Yeah, we kinda figured that out when you left us in the night without a
word. Again. We were yours, you know, me and Dru. Not Darla's. What did we
care about a soul? We would have followed you, hunted for you, whatever
you wanted. But you never looked for us, even when Darla died. I took care
of Dru the best I could, and after a while she stopped waking up in the
middle of the day saying your name.

> Darla a bit, then I just fucking 
> stopped.  Couldn't deal, couldn't cope, couldn't care.  Still not sure
> how or why I survived it.

What brought you out of it?

> In Sunnydale - you were that pissant little kid who was getting in my
> way.  So yeah, I got in yours.  But that was about it.

Yeah. Well, in Sunnydale, you were that fuckhead who took my girl, took my
gem, and already had my slayer. Not to mention looking at me like we'd
never fucking met.

> > How can I make it up to you? 
> 
> You start by being my good boy again.  The rest comes when you get here.
>  Don't worry. It'll be... creative.

I wasn't worried. *Now* I'm worried.

> Yeah - Wes and I didn't know until we got told directly.  But Dru...
> Possible combination here. Grapevine gets the word to LA, W&H gets the
> word to Dru.  It'd make sense, esp. since they were keeping tabs on her.
>  Might wanna watch your back, boyo.

Will do my best. But Buffy's back gets first priority. Besides, what would
W&H want with me? Never met either of 'em.

> Thank God.  So is she dead yet? Harmony?

Not that I know of. But I'm sure it won't be long. She flounced out of
here on her own, and she's got a truly Darwinian level of stupidity.

> > Still explaining to him that he has the right to say no. Gotta get
> > that settled, or begging really doesn't work quite right -- if nothing
> > else, its over far too quickly. 
> 
> Quick was always your problem.

I'm learnin' patience. Whether I want to or not.

> So let's say you accidentally bump into Xander - that gonna set it off? 
> You get a bigger jolt if you try hiting him on purpose?  How long would
> it last?

If I accidentally bump into Xander, little or nothing. If I try hitting
him on purpose, probably end up a few feet away clutching my head. Try to
stab him or drain him, probably end up in searing pain for a couple of
hours -- unless I pass out.

> And no - I'm not saying to beat the crap out of Xander to find out. 
> Just trying to get a mental picture, here.

Too bad. Might be worth it at that.

> > > > P.S. Have you ever drawn Wesley?
> > > 
> > > You kidding?
> > 
> > Nope. He said you hadn't, that he knew of. If you have, I think he
> > might like to see. For that matter, so would I. 
> 
> Huh. Didn't think he'd be interested.  Yeah. Sure. To you both.

I'm getting the idea that Wesley would be interested in any damned thing
you did, and most especially if it involved him. And I'm getting the idea
that *I'm* interested in most anything that involves him. We're friends,
Angel. Who'd have thought?

--Spike

***

To: Spike
From: Angel

> > Her and me both.
> 
> Thought I knew what you were thinking, luv. Like, exactly what I'd be
> thinking if she ever turned that melting look on me.

I know. Just - somebody has to be stronger than that.  For her sake.

> > > Of course I do. More than ever since we started this little
> > > letter-writing spree.
> > 
> > Poor baby.
> 
> I'm not complaining, trust me. 

Didn't think you were.

> > Begging. Nice.  Keep that up.
> 
> I will. On two fronts, now that I've explained the concept to Wesley. It
> feels a bit like doing both halves of a puppet show, but he's already
> tried to blackmail me, so I have every confidence that he'll learn fast.

He does at that, believe me.  Once he gets the idea he off and runs with
it.  Surprises me a few times. You know that's saying something.

> I guess. I don't know, Angel. Just makes me feel like it does when you
> grab the back of my neck. Half all's right with the world, and half
> better roll over and offer my throat, quick. 

Good instincts to have.

> > Sure as Hell would've laughed at you. I'll admit it.
> 
> Did, by what I hear. (Dawn, not Wesley.) Are we even?

Not yet.  But we're working on it.

> > Lost my fucking mind.
> 
> I can see that. And no, I don't mean that as a smart ass remark. I
> tried to stake myself. I get it. 

Exactly. 

> > > A lot can happen in a hundred years, especially to someone with a
> > > soul. 
> > 
> > You'd think.
> 
> Didn't it? I don't want to bring up painful memories. But I've got a
> helluva curiosity if you ever have the inclination. 

Not much to say.  I mean what do you wanna know?

> > I'll be honest, Spike, I didn't think of you. 
> 
> Yeah, we kinda figured that out when you left us in the night without a
> word. Again. We were yours, you know, me and Dru. Not Darla's. What did
> we care about a soul? We would have followed you, hunted for you,
> whatever you wanted. But you never looked for us, even when Darla died.
> I took care of Dru the best I could, and after a while she stopped
> waking up in the middle of the day saying your name. 

Christ.

Ok, boyo - you just earned it.  Information, anyway.  What do you 
wanna know about that time?  Ask it. I won't do one word answers.  
Promise.  

> > Darla a bit, then I just fucking 
> > stopped.  Couldn't deal, couldn't cope, couldn't care.  Still not sure
> > how or why I survived it.
> 
> What brought you out of it?

Seeing Buffy.  Suddenly I'm in this whole new world where I can be a good
guy.  Don't even know *why* I wanna be a good guy, just that I want to be
*her* good guy.  Not trying to be terse here, just with this I really
don't know.  It was just - bam!  Want her. Need to help her. No questions.
Just *do* it.  Love at first sight, I guess.

> > In Sunnydale - you were that pissant little kid who was getting in my
> > way.  So yeah, I got in yours.  But that was about it.
> 
> Yeah. Well, in Sunnydale, you were that fuckhead who took my girl, took
> my gem, and already had my slayer. Not to mention looking at me like
> we'd never fucking met. 

Yeah, well, at that point it was tactical. Couldn't have Buffy and Giles
finding out you and me were just like *that*.  It was hard enough getting
everybody to trust me.

> > You start by being my good boy again.  The rest comes when you get
> > here.  Don't worry. It'll be... creative.
> 
> I wasn't worried. *Now* I'm worried.

You should be.  Here's a hint - you'll never guess.

Helpful, huh?

> Will do my best. But Buffy's back gets first priority. Besides, what
> would W&H want with me? Never met either of 'em. 

Yeah but they want me. They've already used Darla and Dru to do it. 
You're pretty much the only family member left on the list.

> > Thank God.  So is she dead yet? Harmony?
> 
> Not that I know of. But I'm sure it won't be long. She flounced out of
> here on her own, and she's got a truly Darwinian level of stupidity. 

Ever feel ashamed of our species?

Wait - why didn't Buffy stake her?

> > So let's say you accidentally bump into Xander - that gonna set it
> > off?  You get a bigger jolt if you try hiting him on purpose?  How
> > long would it last?
> 
> If I accidentally bump into Xander, little or nothing. If I try hitting
> him on purpose, probably end up a few feet away clutching my head. Try
> to stab him or drain him, probably end up in searing pain for a couple
> of hours -- unless I pass out. 

How fast is the recovery time?  All I know 'bout migranes I learned from
Cordy - "They hurt like HELL and could you all stop ASKING me?"  - same
for you?  Cordy gets one good vision and she's easily out for the day. 
Maybe more.

> I'm getting the idea that Wesley would be interested in any damned
> thing you did, and most especially if it involved him. And I'm getting
> the idea that *I'm* interested in most anything that involves him. We're
> friends, Angel. Who'd have thought? 

Makes as much sense as anything.  Dunno about it from our 
perspective, but he's great.  Personal bias aside, he's gotten real good
at using his head and keeping himself open to things.  From pricky Watcher
to rogue demon hunter to guy who doesn't mind a few demon friends and a
vampire lover - been quite a couple of years for him.

I'd be worried except he looks like he's finally found his element. Like
all that was missing was for people to just *listen* to him.  Still
protective of him though, just in case.  Kinda suspect finding out he
liked me as a guy threw him more than anything else.  One thing about
*himself* he didn't know, you know?

A.

***

To: Wesley
From: Spike

> Er - probably. But my brief encounters with Darla were more than 
> enough.  Besideswhich, such a thing would not be good for Angel.

Never mind, then.

> It's a strange sort of domesticity that I can immediately understand. 
> We've something similar here.  I research and take charge, Cordy
> provides visions and some customer savvy, Angel and Gunn hit things.  
> 
> Yet for us all it works.

Makes sense to me. The only one you don't have an analog for is Xander,
and he's useless. Except as comic relief.

> I see.  Well there is always Angel himself, who is stronger than you. 
> And, as you say, Angel's chains, which are not exactly tucked away in
> the hotel attic.

Yeah, he is. But stronger or not, I get the feeling Angel won't let me
anywhere near you without the chip, and I can't entirely blame him. Not
that I have any idea how to get the bleeding thing out in any case. So we
have some time to worry at the problem. 

Seein' as they're getting regular use -- who wears the chains in the
family? Or do you take turns?

> The girls are found through a variety of means.  Some research is done
> on potential bloodlines, family history, oracular mentions of the coming
> of the Slayer, etc.  Others are given to the Council directly by their
> families in the hopes that they might be the ones.

Nice. Why the hell would any family want that? Outside of outright
starvation, of course.

> Buffy was overlooked - well, frankly, I suspect the first problem was
> that she was American.  The Council doesn't research the United States
> as much, due to Anglocentric bias that was unfortunately reinforced
> during the British Empire by the fact that sheer global geography
> increased the odds that the next Slayer would come from somewhere under
> HM's name.  

[nods] I always wondered, if their job was to watch her, why they were
content to sit so far away. After all, if I can get across the pond, any
bloody git can do it. But if they assume most Slayers will be british, and
the others will die quickly, it does make a repellant sort of sense.

> Secondly, even if the Council had stepped up their observations in that
> area - to wit, California - there was nothing about Buffy Summers which
> would have suggested Slayer potential.  Period.  I can't explain it save
> to say it's like wondering why the plains do not suggest mountains -
> they just don't.  Bananas do not suggest puppy dogs.  

Not to me, no.

> Frankly, the Council knows bugger all about why the Chosen One is 
> Chosen.  When it was all explained to me it seemed a great deal of
> guesswork combined with "just 'cause".  Personally I have always felt
> that the plural of anecdote is not "theory".

Good line. And good point.

> You can see why Rupert was summarily fired, however.  Completely 
> unheard of that he would develop affections for the Slayer - as though
> she were *human* or some such thing.  Rupert could've confessed to the
> Council that he'd felt paternally towards his reading glasses with about
> as much ridicule and retribution.  

Yes. Makes me feel fonder of the bloke than I ever have before, actually.
Not that that's saying much.

> True, but then consider that they are now highly aware that I have not
> only rejected them but I am A) working with a vampire B) made it clear
> to them on multiple occasions that I would choose that vampire over them
> on any day and C) said vampire is Angelus.  
> 
> Frankly they don't even need to be made aware of D) Wesley is 
> desperately in love with this vampire or E) He is having sex with him as
> well.  A-C more or less cover it.  I'm sure they've gathered the rest. 
> After all, once you've made the deal with the devil, why not get on your
> knees for him as well?

And I'm utterly sure I was not supposed to find that image attractive, but
to one of my tastes it does, in fact, appeal rather strongly. I do realize
that's not the point, however. (I also realize that I sound more like you
every day. At least when I'm writing to you. Odd, to say the least.)
Anyway. It seems strange to me that the council would be so insistant that
being a vampire is enough to make Angel bad, yet so easily decide that
being a Slayer is enough to make Buffy not count as a human. Or you, or
Faith, apparently. 

> I, on the other hand, have joined forces with the enemy, and one of its
> most notable villans at that.  Unforgiveable.

It does have a certain style, put like that. Maybe we could get you a
sinister chair to spin around in, and a cat? But its perfectly obvious
that you're not running all over Europe helping Angel rape and murder
lovely stableboys -- that was my job. So what are they afraid of? That
he'll turn again and use all this new lovely information to attack them?
Hate to burst they're bubble, but we pretty much always knew where they
were. As long as they were content to work through the Slayer, we were
content to fight the Slayer. What glory in killing a bunch of old men in a
boardroom?

> Has what I've said so far helped any?

Yes, quite a bit.  But if they had found Buffy early -- they'd have taken
her away from her family? Don't they ever protest? What happens to the
girls who aren't chosen? Who does the choosing, anyway? And how do they
detect it once its done?

> > Anyone would. Well, any vampire involved with a human, which is a
> > limited group, but not as small as you might think. 
> 
> Becoming larger all the time, it would seem.

I've rarely been so pleased to be a statistic.

> You're welcome to ask him.  I know I was not terribly coherent. I'm far
> better at encyclopedia recitations.

I might. But not because you're not good at this. I like hearing you talk
like you. I also like hearing him talk about you.

> You can at least provide an honest vampire's perspective.  I wanted to
> ask this of you, before attempting to ask Angel, given the possibility
> that Angel might hide his true feelings out of guilt.  

Good point. I can do that much. But again, vampire or no, he and I are
very different, some ways.

> > I don't
> > think you were tormenting him too much. I think you were tormenting
> > him just right -- a little flirtation with danger adds a spice like
> > nothing else. And he of all people is in a position to know that.
> > Intimately. And -- you've told him that who he is, uniquely, is what
> > you desire. That has to be a pleasure to make any torment worth while.
> > 

> I hope that it was.  It seemed that it was.

Then I'm sure it was.

> > But -- I'm not Angel. The only danger I would risk, in that situation,
> > is to myself. I think, if you're worried, that you'll need to ask him.
> > And this time, not in bed. Or at least, not until you're cuddling
> > afterwards. But don't forget to tell him how incredible it was for
> > you. You don't want him to mistake your scuples for fear. 

> All right. I shall.  Thank you.

You're welcome. Any time. But do keep in mind, when I stick my nose into
your relationship, that I don't have the best track record in this regard?
Vampire or not, you're better off trusting your instincts than mine.

> As well as quite useful and friendly.  Angel's former companion Doyle,
> for instance.  The Host of Caritas.  Still others that we interact with,
> although are not necessarily as close to.

Thought you could.

> It seems to me as though the possibility - at least for demons - lies
> all over the spectrum.  Why not vampires as well?

I don't know. But if I had to guess... the hunger. Most demons just *are*.
Scaled or horned or venom-packed, yes, but they don't have a particular
agenda, any more than any natural creature does that has those defenses.
Eat, fuck, sleep, horde, struggle for dominance. Life as we know it. But
vampires have this other drive. And its incredibly powerful. We may, Angel
may, be able to subdue it. But I don't think any vampire can be complete
at peace without satisfying it. And it can't be satisfied without killing,
or at least subjegating, another creature. 

> I ask that honestly. I don't know the answer.

I know you do. I wish I did.

> I know. I was only attempting to tease, knowing how much you enjoy being
> called evil.

[grin] Well, yeah. Especially in that posh accent of yours. Everyone's got
a fetish, pet.

> > And neither will I, apparently. In theory, I can't see a flaw in your
> > logic. In practice...  I feel a bit like a jaguar bein' asked to
> > become a vegetarian. 
> 
> The most interesting part of this, for me, is that you are at least
> considering the question.  Perhaps with greatest potential being on you
> saying no, but even still you are considering. I do not think a jaguar
> would do the same.  

They're not much for talking. And, to push this analogy until it screams
in pain, I feel like a jaguar whose fallen in love with a gazelle, gotten
to know its mum and gaggling of yearling buddies, and now become friends
with one of the young males. Its harder than it used to be to think of the
rest of the herd as meat. But ... they still are. And meat is still what
he needs and what he craves.

> Forgive me, Spike.  I don't mean to force you under a microscope.  It is
> just that I find the entire puzzle of this to be fascinating and am
> attempting to share my thoughts with you as I have them.

Again, nothin' to forgive. I've been under a hell of a lot of microscopes,
this past year. At least you're not locking me in an underground room, or
a bathtub.

> > Killing would be a good start. General mayhem and mischief making is
> > probably past prayin' for. Quell a demon? Encourage one? Sorry, I'm
> > just a bit lost here. I'm me, I think of myself as -- me. If I have
> > some demon floatin' around inside me, it doesn't feel separate from
> > the rest. But you seem to be sayin' there's a way to pick out just
> > that bit and beat it down -- how? 
> 
> My apologies again.  I suspect Angel might be more used to my 
> methods than you are.

Most likely. I'll get used to 'em.

> Vampires are, by their nature, demonic.  As I do not know anything about
> chips, I'm attempting to see how much of this can be put into terms that
> I can understand.

Fine by me. Just stop and explain 'em once in a while.

> If the goal is to get you away from killing without the chip in your
> head - well the curse would have been the first place to start.  But
> that did not work.  My mind then thought of spells which could be used
> to increase or decrease a demon's powers, or get one to perform certain
> tasks, as another possible area.  It would be an area that would require
> considerable research, and undoubtedly experimentation, for if it were
> that easy to remove the danger yet keep the man someone would have
> obviously attempted this on Angel.

Can't say I'm looking forward to the experimentation -- but it might be a
way out. Better than letting Buffy kill me anyway. Ideally, though, this
should be inside me. No point in getting rid of the chip and replacing it
with the same set of magical compulsions. Well, some point, if the spells
don't use headaches. But the basic dilemma remains. I need to learn to do
this myself. If there's something that can help me, great. But it needs to
be flexible enough that it remains my decision.

> Why did Willow's curse fail? In what manner?

We don't know why, unless you buy the soul thing. How -- It started out
normal enough. Sitting in the basement, brooding. Red came by and
convinced my to get out and court Buffy. Not that she thought I should or
would succeed, just that she felt responsible for my complete immobility.
But she wasn't, of course. I asked. Anyway, I went out and started
courting Buffy. 

She says I started acting like a different person. A boring one. I stopped
bantering with her, started getting all sappy and chivalrous. I went back
to the manners of my human youth, and my old name. I don't remember the
last evening, except in snatches. I was sitting on Joyce's couch, in
evening rig and a top hat next to me. I was taking Buffy's arm, comparing
her eyes to the moon. Then she was taunting me on the lawn, next to a
horse-drawn gig of some kind, and then -- 

I woke up in my crypt, and she was talking to me. Telling me to come back
to her. Telling me she missed the old Spike. It was pretty obvious from
the passing out and the crazy act that something was wrong. So she helped
me lose the soul. She felt responsible, 'cause she'd been throwing Angel's
soul in my face as the reason she could love him but never me. Red came in
the morning and caught us -- and told us that she'd found some reference
to a posession of a living body that already had one soul by another one
that had similar symptoms. It seemed weak to me, but I wasn't going to
argue right then.

As for why... maybe the chip messed it up. Maybe Willow forgot a part of
the curse. We just don't know.

> That's all right. I understand.  I've seen Darla and Angel together,
> after all.

True. Keep forgetting she's not dead anymore.

> Er - not like that.  You know what I mean.

You're not missing much I do assure you. He's always been something to
see, but her, not so much. Always amazed me she used to do it for a
living.

> > > I suppose it is.  Never having been begged before, I'm not sure what
> > > to say.
> > 
> > Start with "no". 
> 
> All right then - no.  You can't touch him.
> 
> > Still, for what it's worth: Please,
> > Wesley. Let me touch him. It's been so long. 
> 
> Why do you want to?

Because he's beautiful when he smiles that little half smile. Because
there's not many people stronger than me, and it feels strangely good to
be bested sometimes. Something about knowing your place. Because he was
the first man ever to take me. Because with him I don't have to hold back.
Because he knows me, every cocky little trick. Because he makes me admit
my most humiliating desires, and that makes me hot. Because he'll hurt me,
maybe, if I beg nicely enough. Because I like the idea of you and me
trying to please him together. Because when he calls me "boy" it feels
right, like when you say my name. Because there's something about you, who
have seen me strong and tough and in control, seeing me vulnerable with
him. Please, Wesley.

--Spike 

***

To: Angel
From: Spike

> > > Her and me both.
> > 
> > Thought I knew what you were thinking, luv. Like, exactly what I'd be
> > thinking if she ever turned that melting look on me.
> 
> I know. Just - somebody has to be stronger than that.  For her sake.

If you keep that up, I may be the first vampire to die of spontaneous
combustion in total darkness. (Well, except for the computer screen). Half
of me -- what the hell! She's not a child! Let her make her own mistakes!
The other half -- shut the fuck up, Spike! Keep him away from her whatever
it takes! Those two are gonna be fighting it out for a while; figured I'd
just give you the update and move on.

> Didn't think you were.

You know me so well. Or is it just that I am glaringly, pantingly obvious
when I have the hots for you? Or both?

> He does at that, believe me.  Once he gets the idea he off and runs with
> it.  Surprises me a few times. You know that's saying something.

I sure do. He asked why I want you. So I told him. We'll see where he goes
with it. Hope I didn't rattle him -- it must have been pretty apparent
that you're not too gentle with me. But I haven't succeeded in shocking
the boy yet; so I've got faith by now. At least I've been reassured that
if I do, he will say so and not suffer in silence.

> > I guess. I don't know, Angel. Just makes me feel like it does when you
> > grab the back of my neck. Half all's right with the world, and half
> > better roll over and offer my throat, quick. 
> 
> Good instincts to have.

Yeah, aren't they? Nice to know one or two are still working for me.

> > > Sure as Hell would've laughed at you. I'll admit it.
> > 
> > Did, by what I hear. (Dawn, not Wesley.) Are we even?
> 
> Not yet.  But we're working on it.

Fair enough. Let me know.

> > Didn't it? I don't want to bring up painful memories. But I've got a
> > helluva curiosity if you ever have the inclination. 
> 
> Not much to say.  I mean what do you wanna know?

Um, what happened to you? Where did you go? What did you do? We heard some
wild shit about you from time to time. Never knew what to believe.

> > > I'll be honest, Spike, I didn't think of you. 
> > 
> > Yeah, we kinda figured that out when you left us in the night without
> > a word. Again. We were yours, you know, me and Dru. Not Darla's. What
> > did we care about a soul? We would have followed you, hunted for you,
> > whatever you wanted. But you never looked for us, even when Darla
> > died. I took care of Dru the best I could, and after a while she
> > stopped waking up in the middle of the day saying your name. 
> 
> Christ.
> 
> Ok, boyo - you just earned it.  Information, anyway.  What do you 
> wanna know about that time?  Ask it. I won't do one word answers. 
> Promise.  

It's alright, Angel. You can if you want. You can do whatever you want.
Didn't mean to make that little speech. Not now. Not ever. Figured you had
enough guilt to be going on with. Its just ... that time you hit a button
you didn't know you'd put there. As Buffy would say, no big.

> Seeing Buffy.  Suddenly I'm in this whole new world where I can be a
> good guy.  Don't even know *why* I wanna be a good guy, just that I want
> to be *her* good guy.  Not trying to be terse here, just with this I
> really don't know.  It was just - bam!  Want her. Need to help her. No
> questions. Just *do* it.  Love at first sight, I guess.

It makes as much sense as anything else. It took me a little longer, but
then, I always was a slow learner. Should have known from way back when we
were, um. The whole Acathla thing. Mortal enemies, no timeouts. So how
come we're working together like we've been partners for years? Still
don't want to be her good guy, in particular. Just want to be her guy. But
if that's what it takes...

> > > In Sunnydale - you were that pissant little kid who was getting in
> > > my way.  So yeah, I got in yours.  But that was about it.
> > 
> > Yeah. Well, in Sunnydale, you were that fuckhead who took my girl,
> > took my gem, and already had my slayer. Not to mention looking at me
> > like we'd never fucking met. 
> 
> Yeah, well, at that point it was tactical. Couldn't have Buffy and Giles
> finding out you and me were just like *that*.  It was hard enough
> getting everybody to trust me.

Can't argue there. Similar issues as we speak.

> > > You start by being my good boy again.  The rest comes when you get
> > > here.  Don't worry. It'll be... creative.
> > 
> > I wasn't worried. *Now* I'm worried.
> 
> You should be.  Here's a hint - you'll never guess.
> 
> Helpful, huh?

Very. Would Wesley guess? Should I ask him?

Oh, that reminds me. He said he told you how much he likes it when your
eyes go yellow protecting him. Said it led to some pretty amazing sex.
Said I could ask you for details. Details? Please?

> > Will do my best. But Buffy's back gets first priority. Besides, what
> > would W&H want with me? Never met either of 'em. 
> 
> Yeah but they want me. They've already used Darla and Dru to do it.
> You're pretty much the only family member left on the list.

Isn't that the long way round? If they can bring Darla back from the dead,
can't they grab you off the street? And what do they want you for, anyway?
Not that you're not eminantly wantable. But, you know, lawyers. Probably
not interested in the same qualities I am.

> > > Thank God.  So is she dead yet? Harmony?
> > 
> > Not that I know of. But I'm sure it won't be long. She flounced out of
> > here on her own, and she's got a truly Darwinian level of stupidity. 
> 
> Ever feel ashamed of our species?

Often. Although Buffy assures me she had a truly Darwinian level of
stupidity as a human too.

> Wait - why didn't Buffy stake her?

Don't know. Maybe she didn't take her seriously as a threat. Don't know
why she didn't stake Dru either. Too busy being mad at me?

> How fast is the recovery time?  All I know 'bout migranes I learned from
> Cordy - "They hurt like HELL and could you all stop ASKING me?"  - same
> for you?  Cordy gets one good vision and she's easily out for the day. 
> Maybe more.

Not me -- but I'm guessing the pain is as severe. I wasn't joking when I
told Dru it was blinding. That old vamp recovery time to the rescue. If
strongly motivated I can stagger to my feet in ten minutes or less after
one good punch -- but I won't be good for much when I get there.

> Makes as much sense as anything.  Dunno about it from our 
> perspective, but he's great.  Personal bias aside, he's gotten real good
> at using his head and keeping himself open to things.  From pricky
> Watcher to rogue demon hunter to guy who doesn't mind a few demon
> friends and a vampire lover - been quite a couple of years for him.

No kidding. But what's a rogue demon?

> I'd be worried except he looks like he's finally found his element. Like
> all that was missing was for people to just *listen* to him.  Still
> protective of him though, just in case.  Kinda suspect finding out he
> liked me as a guy threw him more than anything else.  One thing about
> *himself* he didn't know, you know?

Yeah. Starting to, anyway. Seems like that's about the only thing I *did*
know about myself, sometimes.

--Spike 

***

To: Spike
From: Wesley

> Makes sense to me. The only one you don't have an analog for is Xander,
> and he's useless. Except as comic relief. 

We get our comic relief from the strangest sources.

> Yeah, he is. But stronger or not, I get the feeling Angel won't let me
> anywhere near you without the chip, and I can't entirely blame him. Not
> that I have any idea how to get the bleeding thing out in any case. So
> we have some time to worry at the problem. 

Quite true.

> Seein' as they're getting regular use -- who wears the chains in the
> family? Or do you take turns? 

Oh.  Er - not like that.  They're available for practical use, for when
Angel turns.  So, in that sense, they've been used on Angel twice so far. 
Not, ah, sexually.

> > The girls are found through a variety of means.  Some research is done
> > on potential bloodlines, family history, oracular mentions of the
> > coming of the Slayer, etc.  Others are given to the Council directly
> > by their families in the hopes that they might be the ones.
> 
> Nice. Why the hell would any family want that? Outside of outright
> starvation, of course. 

For the glory of being the Chosen One.  The belief that their child has
what it takes to be that destined person.  I think, to a lesser extent,
this is why children who do not show Slayer tendencies of any kind are
encouraged to outright join the Council.

> [nods] I always wondered, if their job was to watch her, why they were
> content to sit so far away. After all, if I can get across the pond, any
> bloody git can do it. But if they assume most Slayers will be british,
> and the others will die quickly, it does make a repellant sort of sense.
> 

Not that they will be British, just that for a good while "British" 
constituted a quarter of the entire world.  Gives one a 25% chance that
you'll find your girl on native soil, so to speak.

> > You can see why Rupert was summarily fired, however.  Completely
> > unheard of that he would develop affections for the Slayer - as though
> > she were *human* or some such thing.  Rupert could've confessed to the
> > Council that he'd felt paternally towards his reading glasses with
> > about as much ridicule and retribution.  
> 
> Yes. Makes me feel fonder of the bloke than I ever have before,
> actually. Not that that's saying much. 

I can understand that.  And I'll admit I grew sympathetic to Rupert's
cause.  If not during our time together, then certainly now.

> (I also realize that I sound more like you every day. At least when I'm
> writing to you. Odd, to say the least.) 

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce has become a bad influence upon William the 
Bloody?  Quite a red-letter day for my diary indeed.

> Anyway. It seems strange to me that the council would be so
> insistant that being a vampire is enough to make Angel bad, yet so
> easily decide that being a Slayer is enough to make Buffy not count as a
> human. Or you, or Faith, apparently. 

Faith was - yet another - unique entity.  A Slayer who had gone Bad. 
Considered highly dangerous and must be hunted down and "rehabilitated" at
once.  It was for this purpose that the Council sought to once again
recruit me.

As for her humanity, this goes back to Buffy as well - Slayers are 
Slayers.  It is a noun, adjective, job description, life destiny - all
rolled into one.  And again it is not a matter of "deciding".  She is. 
Period.  By the Council's view Buffy Is A Slayer.  Nothing else.

> It does have a certain style, put like that. Maybe we could get you a
> sinister chair to spin around in, and a cat?

Hardly room for it at the office.

>  But its perfectly obvious that you're not running all over Europe
> helping Angel rape and murder lovely stableboys -- that was my job. So
> what are they afraid of? That he'll turn again and use all this new
> lovely information to attack them? 

Honestly, I'm not certain.  I understand why they disapprove of what I am
doing - again not only because of what but because of with whom - but as
to what lies at the heart of their fear - or their new insistance that I
must back away and return to the fold - I do not know.

> Yes, quite a bit.  But if they had found Buffy early -- they'd have
> taken her away from her family?

It would have been strongly encouraged, but not forced.  As far as I'm
aware the Council stops at outright kidnapping of children.

> Don't they ever protest?

If the parents did object, someone would have been assigned to keep an eye
on the family in case of the girl's being Chosen.  Potentially this person
would try to be an influence upon the girl as well.  Rupert, perhaps,
would be a good example of this.  Someone inserted into the child's
environment, such as a school librarian, to encourage her in the right
direction as much as possible.

> What happens to the girls who aren't chosen? 

Some elect to continue with the training until they are past age, on the
chance that the current Slayer dies and they are next in line.  Once they
are past age they - and the other girls who abandon their training - tend
to join the Council in various positions.

> Who does the choosing, anyway? 

Bugger if the Council knows, much as it would prefer to pretend 
otherwise - or even that it was them.  I've grown to suspect the Powers.

> And how do they detect it once its done? 

If the girl is there it is obvious when the abilities awaken within her. 
If, as in Buffy's case, she is not, a basic spell can track the Slayer
down.

> I might. But not because you're not good at this. I like hearing you
> talk like you. 

I'm hard pressed to speak like anyone else.

> I also like hearing him talk about you.

Why?

> > You can at least provide an honest vampire's perspective.  I wanted to
> > ask this of you, before attempting to ask Angel, given the possibility
> > that Angel might hide his true feelings out of guilt.  
> 
> Good point. I can do that much. But again, vampire or no, he and I are
> very different, some ways. 

Yes, but between your honesty about blood lust and my by nature 
limited knowledge of Angel, hopefully I can discern the truth somewhere in
the middle.

> You're welcome. Any time. But do keep in mind, when I stick my nose into
> your relationship, that I don't have the best track record in this
> regard? Vampire or not, you're better off trusting your instincts than
> mine. 

My instincts work better with information, however.  So again - thank you.

> I don't know. But if I had to guess... the hunger. Most demons just
> *are*. Scaled or horned or venom-packed, yes, but they don't have a
> particular agenda, any more than any natural creature does that has
> those defenses. Eat, fuck, sleep, horde, struggle for dominance. Life as
> we know it. But vampires have this other drive. And its incredibly
> powerful. We may, Angel may, be able to subdue it. But I don't think any
> vampire can be complete at peace without satisfying it. And it can't be
> satisfied without killing, or at least subjegating, another creature. 

The question then becomes a matter of Nature vs. Nurture, does it not?

Angel himself has said that the lacking of a soul - well his previous
theory is that it almost completely encouraged the propegation of evil
because it removed the vampire's ability to care about what it did.  And
that a soulless vampire's nature would always return to evil because of
this.

However, if you do not have a soul, as Angel and I both suspect, then it
may be possible for the ability to be trained - nurtured - into you.  Of
course then the question becomes how long would the training stand if the
chip - the source of negative reinforcement - was removed?

> > I know. I was only attempting to tease, knowing how much you enjoy
> > being called evil.
> 
> [grin] Well, yeah. Especially in that posh accent of yours. Everyone's
> got a fetish, pet. 

Then you are quite especially evil, Spike.

> They're not much for talking. And, to push this analogy until it
> screams in pain, I feel like a jaguar whose fallen in love with a
> gazelle, gotten to know its mum and gaggling of yearling buddies, and
> now become friends with one of the young males.

Fond as I am growing of you, Spike, couldn't you think of another simile
once this one choked and sputtered halfway through?  Or does the jaguar
later move on to take continuing education courses in Advanced Metaphora?

> Its harder than it used
> to be to think of the rest of the herd as meat. But ... they still are.
> And meat is still what he needs and what he craves. 

I can understand that.  But, on the other hand, if outside sources have
ripped the jaguar of its innate abilities and defenses, then perhaps it is
best for it to try to understand the herd who is now its only inspiration
for survival, however incomplete that inspiration is.  The jaguar will
always be a jaguar, but it won't learn how to live from its fellow
felines.

> > My apologies again.  I suspect Angel might be more used to my 
> > methods than you are.
> 
> Most likely. I'll get used to 'em.

Thank you.

>  No point in getting rid of the chip and replacing it with the same set
> of magical compulsions. Well, some point, if the spells don't use
> headaches. 

I was reaching a similar conclusion myself.

> But the basic dilemma remains. I need to learn to do this myself. If
> there's something that can help me, great. But it needs to be flexible
> enough that it remains my decision. 

Precisely, which is why we, at least, have never attempted such a thing
upon Angel.  The matter of his soul aside, there is nothing on record
which I am aware of which would ease the choices for him without
essentially brainwashing him and destroying who he is innately. A man, I
must confess, I am too selfishly fond of.

If the goal is to learn to do it yourself, however - perhaps you are
already upon that very path.

> She says I started acting like a different person. A boring one. I
> stopped bantering with her, started getting all sappy and chivalrous. I
> went back to the manners of my human youth, and my old name.

Fascinating.  I don't think Angel had that problem.  He's certainly never
claimed to.  A complete reverting to your human self - albeit with fangs
intact.  How long did it last?

> I don't remember the last evening, except in snatches. I was sitting on
> Joyce's couch, in evening rig and a top hat next to me. 

So not just your human self, but an inability to recognize the era in
which you were?  Do you recall being conscious of modern ideas or
inventions?  

> So she helped me lose the soul.
[...]
> Red came in the morning and caught us 

Being able to draw the mental picture here, I must then wonder if Buffy
was, for you, perfect happiness?  Or perhaps there is something to the
Special Buffy Curse Breaking Powers hypothesis.

> -- and told us that she'd found some reference to a posession of a
> living body that already had one soul by another one that had similar
> symptoms. 

Can you cite the source? Or perhaps provide me with a copy when you 
get here?

> As for why... maybe the chip messed it up. Maybe Willow forgot a part of
> the curse. We just don't know. 

Chips, again, are not quite my specialty, but I can at least attempt to do
research on why the curse might have broken.  Laying your hands upon the
spell that Willow used would be of considerable help.

Having said that, a foolishly obvious thought occurs to me.  If we are
trying to answer at least the first question of if you have or do not have
a soul, then the matter might be settled by taking you to the Host at
Caritas and asking him.  Can you sing?

> > That's all right. I understand.  I've seen Darla and Angel together,
> > after all.
> 
> True. Keep forgetting she's not dead anymore.

Can't imagine why you'd wish to remember it.

> > Why do you want to?
> 
> Because he's beautiful when he smiles that little half smile. 

He is at that.  Have you ever seen him smile fully?  Without cruelty, that
is?  I imagine Angelus did so all the time - in fact, I don't need to.

> Because there's not many people stronger than me, and it feels strangely
> good to be bested sometimes. Something about knowing your place. 

I ... can understand that.

> Because he was the first man ever to take me. 

Something else we share in common.

> Because with him I don't have to hold back. Because he knows me, every
> cocky little trick. Because he makes me admit my most humiliating
> desires, and that makes me hot. Because he'll hurt me, maybe, if I beg
> nicely enough. Because I like the idea of you and me trying to please
> him together. Because when he calls me "boy" it feels right, like when
> you say my name. Because there's something about you, who have seen me
> strong and tough and in control, seeing me vulnerable with him. Please,
> Wesley. 

My.  I'm... starting to see why Angel suggested you do this.

Wesley

***

To: Spike
From: Angel

> If you keep that up, I may be the first vampire to die of spontaneous
> combustion in total darkness. (Well, except for the computer screen).
> Half of me -- what the hell! She's not a child! Let her make her own
> mistakes! The other half -- shut the fuck up, Spike! Keep him away from
> her whatever it takes! 

Here's a thought - how about #3: Angel's his own person who can make up
*his* mind about what he wants to do, and then does it?  Hum?

> Those two are gonna be fighting it out for a
> while; figured I'd just give you the update and move on. 

Thanks.

> You know me so well. Or is it just that I am glaringly, pantingly
> obvious when I have the hots for you? Or both? 

Pretty much both.

> I sure do. He asked why I want you. So I told him. We'll see where he
> goes with it. Hope I didn't rattle him -- it must have been pretty
> apparent that you're not too gentle with me. 

Gave him a head's-up on that m'self.  Also told him how not gentle we were
with the guy who'd have been in his place back then.  He took it pretty
ok. Knew we weren't going for a full repeat.

> But I haven't succeeded in
> shocking the boy yet; so I've got faith by now.

He can handle a lot. Like you say - hidden depths.

> At least I've been
> reassured that if I do, he will say so and not suffer in silence. 

Yeah. He knows to bail if it stops being interesting.  Made sure he knew
that.

> > > I guess. I don't know, Angel. Just makes me feel like it does when
> > > you grab the back of my neck. Half all's right with the world, and
> > > half better roll over and offer my throat, quick. 
> > 
> > Good instincts to have.
> 
> Yeah, aren't they? Nice to know one or two are still working for me.

Plus it saves me time.

> Um, what happened to you? Where did you go? What did you do? We heard
> some wild shit about you from time to time. Never knew what to believe. 

Ok. Not to be a dick but a 100 years is a big time to cover, Spike.  Could
you at least narrow it down a little for me?  Help me out here?

Where'd I go - lots of places.  Travelled all over, eventually ended up in
the US.  What happened - gotta narrow it down for me.  What'd I do -
again, narrow it down.  And what'd ya hear? Could at least tell you if it
was true.

> It's alright, Angel. You can if you want. You can do whatever you want.
> Didn't mean to make that little speech. Not now. Not ever. Figured you
> had enough guilt to be going on with. Its just ... that time you hit a
> button you didn't know you'd put there.

No. Spike.  Jesus.  It's not fucking guilt, ok?  It's - lemme just do
this, all right?  You wanna know, I wanna tell you.  Just ask me. You got
it.  Let's not fuck over the whys and the broodier than thous of this. 
I'm right here. Ask me.

> > You should be.  Here's a hint - you'll never guess.
> > 
> > Helpful, huh?
> 
> Very. Would Wesley guess? 

Probably not.

> Should I ask him?

Can. Won't do ya much good.

> Oh, that reminds me. He said he told you how much he likes it when your
> eyes go yellow protecting him. Said it led to some pretty amazing sex.

Yeah. That'd be Wes's ability for understatement. Nice, huh?

> Said I could ask you for details. 

Yeah. Chatted a bit about that ourselves.  Finally found out why he went
to see you in the first place. Guess it makes as much sense as anything.

> Details? Please? 

Ok. He sort of gave me his version of it. Not sure if it's the same thing
he told you but figure it's a place to start.

He tells me that he got it in his head - thanks to you - ... and I'm
thinking now maybe I owe you a scotch.... to tell me about the protector
thing.

What I'm guessing he doesn't tell *you* is that he tells *me* when I'm
rock hard and about *this* close to fucking him *and* his hand's wrapped
around me jerking me off real nice.

Kid's smarter than he looks.

Anyway. So I'm half out of my mind already when he starts in with this. 
Says it's his "confession" - Christ... you know now I'm even wondering if
he did *that* on purpose.  Not really his thing but you never know...

Again, anyway - at the time it doesn't even occur to me 'cause I'm not
exactly thinking in the first place.  I'm actually real focused on his
mouth 'cause he's talking so nice, and in the meantime he's moved and he's
got his hips against mine like he *doesn't* know what that's doing to me
except in this case I actually know for a fact he *does* so it's about
fifty times hotter.

And he starts in with the "confession" thing, and he's got the stammer
going, and the blush, and I'm thinking - ok, maybe Spike's a good
influence after all. Wes's gonna tell me what a bad boy he is (which is
why I didn't even think of the reference the first time. And, again, not
doing much thinking at this point anyway).

'cept he doesn't.  Instead he starts in with the ums and ers and all that,
then he works himself up to "Angel, I...." and we go with that for a bit,
then we get "Angel, I want you" which, you know - nice, but I've heard
that one before.  Not complaining, just sayin' it's not new.

So I start teasing him a bit - you know, puttin' my hands in all the right
places to help get this out of him - and he's gasping, and moaning, and
finally we get up to "Angel, I want you when -"  And I'm thinking - aha,
got my opening.

So I get on that.  Start kissing him, biting his neck a little - not
knowing how great this is for him in context - and telling him to tell me.
 When does he want me? When do I make him so hot?

And he curls up against me *real* nice and - you know, he doesn't purr but
for him this is damn close - and says when I protect him.  Starts
describing this to me now.  Doesn't just mean when we're on a case, or I'm
doing my thing, but when I got his back specifically.  Like this time in
London - 'fore we ran into you - couple'a Watchers tried messing with him
and I let 'em know Angelus doesn't like it when anyone gets after Wesley
like that - just a little yellow in the eyes, you know - and Wes is saying
that that - stuff like that - gets him - what'd he say?  "Angel, it's
so.... distracting."

Christ.  And he's so turned on when he's saying this.  And I'm getting
even hotter 'cause now I'm thinking and I'm *remembering* when I've done
it and I can remember him being real turned on later 'cept I didn't know
why, only that I liked it (should'a seen him that night - couldn't keep
him off his knees 'cause he wanted to get his mouth on me so bad) and I
know he's telling the truth and fuck if I don't like it 'cause I really,
really do.

So I tell him, y'know, that he's *mine* so of 'course I'm gonna protect
him - do anything for him.  And he gets real quiet in a good way and says
real soft "I'm yours, Angel."

Gotta know where *this* is going, boyo.

So I get him on his back real quick-like, and I've got his hands above his
head, and he's already ready to give it up to me, but I'm not letting him
come yet 'cause now I wanna *hear* it from him.  And I tell him - long as
we're on the subject, Wes, wanna know what gets *me* hot?

And he Can't Say It Enough.

I'm *yours*, Angel. Completely *yours*, Angel. Do *anything* for you,
Angel. Your faithful *servant*, Angel.

Your *slave*, Angel.

Damn near lost it.

Figured that one out on his own, ya know.  Didn't tell him to say it. 
Just a quick learner, that boy.

So we're both so - fucking - close.  And his big blue eyes are looking
into mine like I'm God or something, and he licks his lips and says to me
"please."

So yeah. Ok. Just for him.  Do *anything* for this boy.  Give him the
eyes.  *Just* the eyes.  And he starts breathing real good and his heart's
going and he's bucking 'gainst me hard as I'm lettin' him while I'm
holdin' him down and *again* he's saying he's mine, all mine, my obediant
slave....

And fuck yeah we come.  

I dunno. I'm pretty sure I still got the soul. 

I do.  I know.  But fuck it had to've been close.

> > Yeah but they want me. They've already used Darla and Dru to do it.
> > You're pretty much the only family member left on the list.
> 
> Isn't that the long way round? If they can bring Darla back from the
> dead, can't they grab you off the street? And what do they want you for,
> anyway? Not that you're not eminantly wantable. But, you know, lawyers.
> Probably not interested in the same qualities I am. 

Heh - dunno about Lindsey, but otherwise yeah.  And I dunno what they
want. Thought I did, now I'm not sure.  Given up on caring. Got better
things to do.

> > Wait - why didn't Buffy stake her?
> 
> Don't know. Maybe she didn't take her seriously as a threat. Don't know
> why she didn't stake Dru either. Too busy being mad at me? 

Maybe.

> > How fast is the recovery time?  All I know 'bout migranes I learned
> > from Cordy - "They hurt like HELL and could you all stop ASKING me?" 
> > - same for you?  Cordy gets one good vision and she's easily out for
> > the day.  Maybe more.
> 
> Not me -- but I'm guessing the pain is as severe. I wasn't joking when I
> told Dru it was blinding. That old vamp recovery time to the rescue. If
> strongly motivated I can stagger to my feet in ten minutes or less after
> one good punch -- but I won't be good for much when I get there. 

Totally drains your energy to try getting back into it that fast, or the
pain just leaves you winded?

> No kidding. But what's a rogue demon?

Cordy and I were never really sure about that.

> > I'd be worried except he looks like he's finally found his element.
> > Like all that was missing was for people to just *listen* to him. 
> > Still protective of him though, just in case.  Kinda suspect finding
> > out he liked me as a guy threw him more than anything else.  One thing
> > about *himself* he didn't know, you know?
> 
> Yeah. Starting to, anyway. Seems like that's about the only thing I
> *did* know about myself, sometimes. 

I still helped you find a few things.

A.

***

To: Wesley
From: Spike

> We get our comic relief from the strangest sources.

Anything's better than Xander.

> > Seein' as they're getting regular use -- who wears the chains in the
> > family? Or do you take turns? 
> 
> Oh.  Er - not like that.  They're available for practical use, for when
> Angel turns.  So, in that sense, they've been used on Angel twice so
> far.  Not, ah, sexually.

Too bad. Any, un, inklings in that direction? What *did* you fantasize
about, before Angel came along to make them all come true? Would you ...
tell me a bedtime story or two? I won't take them all literally -- I do
get that what works in your head can be boring, embarassing, or downright
deadly in reality -- and that some of the rest you might want to save for
him. But it would at least give me a clue how to please you, pet. And I
very much want to.

> > Nice. Why the hell would any family want that? Outside of outright
> > starvation, of course. 
> 
> For the glory of being the Chosen One.  The belief that their child has
> what it takes to be that destined person.  I think, to a lesser extent,
> this is why children who do not show Slayer tendencies of any kind are
> encouraged to outright join the Council.

You'd think havin' been treated as things for most of their childhood,
they'd want to put as much distance between themselves and these Council
blokes as possible. I know I would. An ocean. Maybe two. Still, I s'pose
its the only thing they know, poor bints.

Hey -- here's a thought. Are there records of the washed out Slayer
wannabes who didn't stick around? Maybe you -- or Buffy -- could get in
touch with some of the other rebels, build your own spy network?

> Not that they will be British, just that for a good while "British"
> constituted a quarter of the entire world.  Gives one a 25% chance that
> you'll find your girl on native soil, so to speak.

True. But the sun that never sets on the good old B.E. went into twilight
a long time ago. Haven't they noticed?

> > Yes. Makes me feel fonder of the bloke than I ever have before,
> > actually. Not that that's saying much. 
> 
> I can understand that.  And I'll admit I grew sympathetic to Rupert's
> cause.  If not during our time together, then certainly now.

I'd be a damned sight more sympathetic if he could wrap his head around
the fact that research doesn't solve *every* bloody problem. That box
thing wasn't a one-off, you know. Not only did he keep me locked up in his
bathtub for fucking *ever*, he tried to forbid the Slayer to pratice with
me until we figured out why the chip would let me hit her. When would that
be? What the hell book is that gonna be in? As far as we know, I'm the
only vampire with a chip whoever made it out of the twisted hive those
commandos called home. It's not like it came with a manual.

> > (I also realize that I sound more like you every day. At least when
> > I'm writing to you. Odd, to say the least.) 
> 
> Wesley Wyndam-Pryce has become a bad influence upon William the 
> Bloody?  Quite a red-letter day for my diary indeed.

[grin] Only kind of day I have.

> Faith was - yet another - unique entity.  A Slayer who had gone Bad. 
> Considered highly dangerous and must be hunted down and "rehabilitated"
> at once.  It was for this purpose that the Council sought to once again
> recruit me.

Rehabilitated in the sharp objects in a dark alley sense?

> Honestly, I'm not certain.  I understand why they disapprove of what I
> am doing - again not only because of what but because of with whom - but
> as to what lies at the heart of their fear - or their new insistance
> that I must back away and return to the fold - I do not know.

Did you ask? What did they say? I wish I'd known all this when we were in
England -- the witches might have been able to get somethin' useful out of
the stuffed shirts that were ridin' herd on them at the Bodelian.

> Bugger if the Council knows, much as it would prefer to pretend 
> otherwise - or even that it was them.  I've grown to suspect the Powers.

They have a lot to answer for.

> > And how do they detect it once its done? 
> 
> If the girl is there it is obvious when the abilities awaken within her.
>  If, as in Buffy's case, she is not, a basic spell can track the Slayer
> down.

Oh. I see. Good thing that spell's not in what you might call general
circulation, or we'd be up to our asses in trophy hunting vamps out to
make a fast rep. Like I used to be.

> I'm hard pressed to speak like anyone else.

True. But I still like that you don't try. I can hear your voice in my
head when I read your letters. It's nice.

> > I also like hearing him talk about you.
> 
> Why?

Because he tells me stuff that you wouldn't think to -- stuff you do
that's so natural that you don't notice it's special -- or sexy. And I
learned my taste from him, most of it. If he likes it, chances are I will
too.

By the way, he does draw you. He just didn't mention it 'cause he didn't
think you'd be interested. He said he'd show both of us.

> Yes, but between your honesty about blood lust and my by nature 
> limited knowledge of Angel, hopefully I can discern the truth somewhere
> in the middle.

You're welcome to whatever I know. Its just -- I don't love the idea that
you tempt Angel 'cause I say its safe, I miss my guess, and you pay the
price.

> The question then becomes a matter of Nature vs. Nurture, does it not?

I suppose. Or unnature. Or -- or finding some way to take the edge off. I
keep thinking of the vamp brothels -- the meat not only says yes, it pays
for the privilege. And everybody walks away. But -- the Slayer has read
bad memories of one of those places. My fault. Yet another one of those
many things that seemed like a good idea at the time. Logical or not, I
think I'd lose her more for doin' that then killing outright.

> Angel himself has said that the lacking of a soul - well his previous
> theory is that it almost completely encouraged the propegation of evil
> because it removed the vampire's ability to care about what it did.  And
> that a soulless vampire's nature would always return to evil because of
> this.

This doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I cared. I always cared. Not about
what I did -- not in the sense that I thought that it was wrong. I thought
-- I think -- it was marvelous fun. But I cared about other vampires, and
I ... lets just say I have reason to believe I could care for humans as
well, at least humans I knew before I was turned. And if Angelus didn't
care for Darla, he did a damned good imitation. Whatever the soul does, it
isn't that.

> However, if you do not have a soul, as Angel and I both suspect, then it
> may be possible for the ability to be trained - nurtured - into you.  Of
> course then the question becomes how long would the training stand if
> the chip - the source of negative reinforcement - was removed?

I don't know. How could I? The Initiative might -- though I wouldn't talk
to those bastards to save my life, and I get the sense most of their
specimens didn't live long enough to provide much data. Certainly not that
they had their chips removed. Why would they bother? We were -- literally
-- subhuman to them.

> Then you are quite especially evil, Spike.

Mmmm. Never get tired of hearin' that.

> > They're not much for talking. And, to push this analogy until it
> > screams in pain, I feel like a jaguar whose fallen in love with a
> > gazelle, gotten to know its mum and gaggling of yearling buddies, and
> > now become friends with one of the young males.
> 
> Fond as I am growing of you, Spike, couldn't you think of another simile
> once this one choked and sputtered halfway through?  Or does the jaguar
> later move on to take continuing education courses in Advanced
> Metaphora?

Obviously, no. Seriously, pet, the whole point is, there is no good
analogy. It's unnatural. Predator doesn't get to know prey. Let alone care
for it.

> > Its harder than it used
> > to be to think of the rest of the herd as meat. But ... they still
> > are. And meat is still what he needs and what he craves. 
> 
> I can understand that.  But, on the other hand, if outside sources have
> ripped the jaguar of its innate abilities and defenses, then perhaps it
> is best for it to try to understand the herd who is now its only
> inspiration for survival, however incomplete that inspiration is.  The
> jaguar will always be a jaguar, but it won't learn how to live from its
> fellow felines.

But a jaguar sickens and dies if it tries to eat grass. As you said, we
don't know if I need to feed from live blood, but its a distinct
possibility. And even if not, if I can't be what I am, what am I surviving
for, exactly? Is inspiration really what I need? Don't worry, Wesley, I'm
not gonna do anything rash, and I'm well away from anything sharp and
wooden. But ... its not like I'm gonna get old and die. I get killed, I
kill myself, or I live forever. That's it on the option front. If I go
through all this pain, lose all my pleasures, turn myself into something
else -- for what? Maybe I'd be better off just keepin' the chip while
Buffy lives, so she doesn't have to worry, and then goin' for a nice
painless sunbathe. Maybe down Lyme way. I always fancied Lyme.  

> >  No point in getting rid of the chip and replacing it with the same
> >  set
> > of magical compulsions. Well, some point, if the spells don't use
> > headaches. 
> 
> I was reaching a similar conclusion myself.

Yeah. But I'm guessing the experimentation could be worse. And its not
like I've got anyone but myself to use for lab rat.

> > But the basic dilemma remains. I need to learn to do this myself. If
> > there's something that can help me, great. But it needs to be flexible
> > enough that it remains my decision. 
> 
> Precisely, which is why we, at least, have never attempted such a thing
> upon Angel.  The matter of his soul aside, there is nothing on record
> which I am aware of which would ease the choices for him without
> essentially brainwashing him and destroying who he is innately. A man, I
> must confess, I am too selfishly fond of.

And a man who you know, someday, is gonna make a choice that saves the
world. I'm not. There's no real reason to save my brain from the cleaners.
Except why bother to fuck with the status quo, otherwise? I'm neutered
already.

> If the goal is to learn to do it yourself, however - perhaps you are
> already upon that very path.

It doesn't feel like I'm on any path. More like a dead end in a nasty
neighborhood.

> Fascinating.  I don't think Angel had that problem.  He's certainly
> never claimed to.  A complete reverting to your human self - albeit with
> fangs intact.  How long did it last?

About a week. I can't be sure. The first few days, the brooding ones, ran
together a bit.

> > I don't remember the last evening, except in snatches. I was sitting
> > on Joyce's couch, in evening rig and a top hat next to me. 
> 
> So not just your human self, but an inability to recognize the era in
> which you were?  Do you recall being conscious of modern ideas or
> inventions?  

Not really, at the end there. But it was progressive. I started out pretty
much the Spike you know, or at least I looked and talked like an
inhabitant of the 21st century, if an uncommonly soppy one, and became
more and more the William Dru killed. Buffy kept diggin' at me -- trying
to bring out my old, new, you know what I mean, self. Finally succeeded,
and that's when I keeled over. Dunno what that means.

> Being able to draw the mental picture here, I must then wonder if Buffy
> was, for you, perfect happiness?  Or perhaps there is something to the
> Special Buffy Curse Breaking Powers hypothesis.

I'd bet on option one. If she'd only known, there was no reason to go
through all that. If she'd just said she loved me...

> Can you cite the source? Or perhaps provide me with a copy when you get
> here?

I can get it from Red. I wasn't payin' much attention to that aspect of
things -- not even sure she said, and I didn't ask.

> Chips, again, are not quite my specialty, but I can at least attempt to
> do research on why the curse might have broken.  Laying your hands upon
> the spell that Willow used would be of considerable help.

Again, I can ask. But... the source is easy. She thinks everyone is as
into books as she is, it'll be natural to her that I'd want to read it for
myself. The curse... I don't think I can ask that without makin' it clear
I think she might have messed up. And I don't want to do that. She took a
big risk for my sake there. Doesn't seem right to turn around and slap her
in the face. Still -- after the delightful garden party we all had in
Aylsebury, she was worryin' that maybe she'd done the curse wrong for both
of us. It wouldn't take much prodding to get her to haul out the books and
take another look -- but I'm thinkin' Angel wouldn't thank me for raising
that issue again.

> Having said that, a foolishly obvious thought occurs to me.  If we are
> trying to answer at least the first question of if you have or do not
> have a soul, then the matter might be settled by taking you to the Host
> at Caritas and asking him.  Can you sing?

Huh? Caritas? The bar you were gonna take me to? the maitre d' knows if I
have a soul or not? This is some weird-ass bar. I'm lucky if Willie can
remember my usual. Yeah, pet, I can sing a bit. But I think I'm missin' a
chapter here.

> > > Why do you want to?
> > 
> > Because he's beautiful when he smiles that little half smile. 
> 
> He is at that.  Have you ever seen him smile fully?  Without cruelty,
> that is?  I imagine Angelus did so all the time - in fact, I don't need
> to.

Yeah, he did. Without cruelty -- I don't think so. I don't know. I've seen
him happy. But cruelty was pretty well always in there somewhere. It's --
it was -- part of him. He's good at it. Doesn't mean there wasn't ever
joy.

> > Because there's not many people stronger than me, and it feels
> > strangely good to be bested sometimes. Something about knowing your
> > place. 
> 
> I ... can understand that.

I thought maybe you could.

> > Because he was the first man ever to take me. 
> 
> Something else we share in common.

Yeah it is. Care to swap stories someday? I promise there are no deaths in
mine.

> > Because with him I don't have to hold back. Because he knows me, every
> > cocky little trick. Because he makes me admit my most humiliating
> > desires, and that makes me hot. Because he'll hurt me, maybe, if I beg
> > nicely enough. Because I like the idea of you and me trying to please
> > him together. Because when he calls me "boy" it feels right, like when
> > you say my name. Because there's something about you, who have seen me
> > strong and tough and in control, seeing me vulnerable with him.
> > Please, Wesley. 
> 
> My.  I'm... starting to see why Angel suggested you do this.

Like it, pet? Want more? Just say the word.

--Spike

***

To: Spike
From: Wesley

Hello, Spike,

> > Oh.  Er - not like that.  They're available for practical use, for
> > when Angel turns.  So, in that sense, they've been used on Angel twice
> > so far.  Not, ah, sexually.
> 
> Too bad. Any, un, inklings in that direction?

For Angel to turn?  I think I understand you meant this entirely sexually,
but I felt it necessary to be sure.

>  What *did* you fantasize about, before Angel came along to make them
> all come true? 

What did I fantasize about before Angel?  Reading. Job satisfaction.  A
good night at the pub, with the hope I'd meet my perfect future wife one
day and raise proper British children.

After meeting Angel - still more thoughts of, well, the same.  For a
while, at least.  Non-platonic thoughts of him took their time creeping up
upon me.  Although sometimes I wonder about that.

> Would you ... tell me a bedtime story or two? 

Meaning what I fantasize about Angel now?

I'm trying my best to respond, Spike, and the difficulty is not in a lack
of desire to answer the question but, I think, in a lack of my own
imagination.  If you'll indulge me -

I was unaware of my sexuality, as I think I've said, until quite recently.
 Because of that I didn't think of Angel in that way.  Or at least, I
didn't do it in a manner I was aware of.

So when you ask me about my fantasies, my immediate thoughts are of 
my *first* fantasies of him.  That he might notice me.  Notice how I felt.
 Take the burden off of what felt to be a very shameful secret.  Stop
*tormenting* me with his actions.

He - attacked me, one night.  Not purposefully, I know now.  And at the
time I knew, quite immediately, he had not done so with the intent to
*hurt* me in any fashion.  Out loud this was handled with a great deal of
joking and faux machismo - and a little retribution of my own - but
inside...

Inside I thought - actually, I hadn't known what to think.  Only that the
idea which had been skirting around my brain had come to blazing, undead
life, and now the dreams that had been vague shadows had a feeling and a
sound - I now *knew* what it felt like to have Angel on top of me, and I
liked it far too much.

That, then, became the next thing my mind focused itself on.  Angel,
perhaps grabbing me again in the privacy of the hotel, holding me down,
only this time *not* letting go, *not* being so oblivious to - to what I
felt deep inside of me.  To my sheer, utterly humiliating *need* of him.

And that is where the bulk of my fantasies lie.  Still do, to varying
extents.

Is that at least the area you had in mind?  You said story - my guess is
that you would prefer some detail?

> But it would at least give me a clue how to please
> you, pet. And I very much want to. 

You saying things like that are quite pleasurable.

> You'd think havin' been treated as things for most of their childhood,
> they'd want to put as much distance between themselves and these Council
> blokes as possible. I know I would. An ocean. Maybe two. Still, I s'pose
> its the only thing they know, poor bints. 

Exactly. They've been raised since children to think like this.

> Hey -- here's a thought. Are there records of the washed out Slayer
> wannabes who didn't stick around? Maybe you -- or Buffy -- could get in
> touch with some of the other rebels, build your own spy network? 

A good thought, but an unfeasible one.  Those who are given to the 
Council so young don't really have the faculties to leave the Council if
they are not Chosen.  All they know is the Council life.  And it isn't as
though they have families they could return to - whatever family they had
they would not have seen for over a decade.  Little to no ties would
remain.

> True. But the sun that never sets on the good old B.E. went into
> twilight a long time ago. Haven't they noticed? 

That's - that's very funny, Spike.  I hadn't known you had such a 
charming sense of humor.  "Noticed" - very good.  I'll have to tell that
one at our next office party.

> > Faith was - yet another - unique entity.  A Slayer who had gone Bad. 
> > Considered highly dangerous and must be hunted down and
> > "rehabilitated" at once.  It was for this purpose that the Council
> > sought to once again recruit me.
> 
> Rehabilitated in the sharp objects in a dark alley sense?

If necessary.  Ideally the girl is brought back to the Council's care
where she is medicinally retrained and - perhaps - retrained.  If not, you
must understand that Rogue Slayers are considered to be far more dangerous
than any vampire could.  Rehabilitation if possible, death if there is no
other alternative.

Of course the Council's success rate in this matter is quite another
story.

> > Honestly, I'm not certain.  I understand why they disapprove of what I
> > am doing - again not only because of what but because of with whom -
> > but as to what lies at the heart of their fear - or their new
> > insistance that I must back away and return to the fold - I do not
> > know.
> 
> Did you ask? What did they say? I wish I'd known all this when we were
> in England -- the witches might have been able to get somethin' useful
> out of the stuffed shirts that were ridin' herd on them at the Bodelian.
> 

I didn't care to.  They'd made the offer before and I was not particularly
interested in once again getting the details of it.  I know that they are
of the opinion that I was overly influenced by my time on the Hellmouth,
and because of this I have allied myself with Angelus, which obviously
they don't approve of in any fashion.  Beyond that, however, they did not
say.

> > If the girl is there it is obvious when the abilities awaken within
> > her.  If, as in Buffy's case, she is not, a basic spell can track the
> > Slayer down.
> 
> Oh. I see. Good thing that spell's not in what you might call general
> circulation, or we'd be up to our asses in trophy hunting vamps out to
> make a fast rep. Like I used to be. 

It's Watcher specific.  There is a certain bond between a Watcher and his
or her Slayer - ideally, at any rate - and the somewhat mystical nature of
this can be exploited to help discover the location of heretofore unknown
Slayers.  This is also helped by the fact that the transformation itself -
the powers that activate within the Slayer - have a certain residue of
their own which, knowing it as well as the Council does by now, is easy to
trace.

Could a vampire attempt something similar?  Most likely.  Now that 
you've asked it I'm rather curious to know why one of you hasn't.

> > I'm hard pressed to speak like anyone else.
> 
> True. But I still like that you don't try. I can hear your voice in my
> head when I read your letters. It's nice. 

I'm glad that you like it.

> > > I also like hearing him talk about you.
> > 
> > Why?
> 
> Because he tells me stuff that you wouldn't think to -- stuff you do
> that's so natural that you don't notice it's special -- or sexy. And I
> learned my taste from him, most of it. If he likes it, chances are I
> will too. 

What sorts of things are these?  And this, I think, is a required thing to
tell me as part of your begging.

> You're welcome to whatever I know. Its just -- I don't love the idea
> that you tempt Angel 'cause I say its safe, I miss my guess, and you pay
> the price. 

I'll be as careful as I can.

> I keep thinking of the vamp brothels -- the meat not only says yes, it
> pays for the privilege. And everybody walks away. But -- the Slayer has
> read bad memories of one of those places. My fault. Yet another one of
> those many things that seemed like a good idea at the time. Logical or
> not, I think I'd lose her more for doin' that then killing outright. 

Isn't there an element of degrading yourself, as well?  I mean this is
vampire prostitution.  

> > Angel himself has said that the lacking of a soul - well his previous
> > theory is that it almost completely encouraged the propegation of evil
> > because it removed the vampire's ability to care about what it did. 
> > And that a soulless vampire's nature would always return to evil
> > because of this.
> 
> This doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I cared. I always cared. Not
> about what I did -- not in the sense that I thought that it was wrong. I
> thought -- I think -- it was marvelous fun.

That's Angel's point exactly.  That lacking a soul *allows* you to think
that it was fun. Or at least makes such emotions much easier to have than
they would be if you had a soul in your possession.  It isn't that
creatures without souls cannot care at all, it is that they cannot bring
themselves to specifically care about morality.

> > However, if you do not have a soul, as Angel and I both suspect, then
> > it may be possible for the ability to be trained - nurtured - into
> > you.  Of course then the question becomes how long would the training
> > stand if the chip - the source of negative reinforcement - was
> > removed?
> 
> I don't know. How could I?

I believe this would go back to the basic theories of behavior 
modification and conditioning.  For all the complexity of the technology
involved, it seems as though their efforts boil down to the quite simple
idea of, as I say, adversive reinforcement.  I.E. you get zapped everytime
you do something wrong, which should then make you not want to do it any
longer.

Finding the funding for this project must have been one Hell of a grant
proposal.  Lots of large, important sounding words to cover the fact that
they hadn't thought of anything more original than B.F. Skinner's last
theories.

There are many studies on the subject of operant conditioning which 
can provide us with a guide.  The only matter which increases our 
difficulty is the fact that you are immortal.  I'm unaware of any studies
which were persistant enough to attempt a one to two hundred year
followup.

Of course the flip side to this is the question of how much the chip is
providing the stimulus.  By which I mean that while, yes, it is providing
you with *adversive* stimuli, it is, on the other hand, not the sole
reinforcer of your behavior.  You now have things which give you positive
encouragement for your behavior - your relationship with Buffy being the
most obvious of this, with perhaps your interactions with myself and Angel
adding something as well.

If the chip were to be removed, then, your reduction rate might not be as
severe as one might anticipate because there would still be other
reinforcers in your environment.

> Obviously, no. Seriously, pet, the whole point is, there is no good
> analogy. It's unnatural. Predator doesn't get to know prey. Let alone
> care for it. 

Fair enough. Still and all, however, you and Angel are here now.  We'll
have to do what we can and - as you have said - learn as we go.

> But a jaguar sickens and dies if it tries to eat grass. As you said, we
> don't know if I need to feed from live blood, but its a distinct
> possibility. And even if not, if I can't be what I am, what am I
> surviving for, exactly?

But what defines you?  Is your vampiric nature your sole identity?  Are
you, then, naught but fangs and bumps?

> Is inspiration really what I need? Don't worry,
> Wesley, I'm not gonna do anything rash, and I'm well away from anything
> sharp and wooden. But ... its not like I'm gonna get old and die. I get
> killed, I kill myself, or I live forever. That's it on the option front.
> If I go through all this pain, lose all my pleasures, turn myself into
> something else -- for what?

If not for yourself - some form of pleasures included - then the entire
thing is rather pointless.  

But wasn't this your very argument to Angel?  That he had cut himself off
from any fun?  That by denying himself pleasure, he had put himself at
disadvantage?  Why does this argument not apply to you?  

> And a man who you know, someday, is gonna make a choice that saves the
> world. I'm not. There's no real reason to save my brain from the
> cleaners.

Honestly, Spike. By that logic there's no point in saving my brain either.

 The universe, you know, *is* made up of more than dark-haired prats
who've been dubiously blessed with destiny.

> > Can you cite the source? Or perhaps provide me with a copy when you
> > get here?
> 
> I can get it from Red. I wasn't payin' much attention to that aspect of
> things -- not even sure she said, and I didn't ask. 

I'd appreciate it. Thank you.

> Again, I can ask. But... the source is easy. She thinks everyone is as
> into books as she is, it'll be natural to her that I'd want to read it
> for myself. The curse... I don't think I can ask that without makin' it
> clear I think she might have messed up. And I don't want to do that. She
> took a big risk for my sake there. Doesn't seem right to turn around and
> slap her in the face. Still -- after the delightful garden party we all
> had in Aylsebury, she was worryin' that maybe she'd done the curse wrong
> for both of us. It wouldn't take much prodding to get her to haul out
> the books and take another look -- but I'm thinkin' Angel wouldn't thank
> me for raising that issue again. 

I would thank you.  Greatly.  For all that Xander and company were 
content to place the return of Angelus squarely in my hands, they were
none too eager to offer the tools with which to handle it.  At least, none
save Buffy.

If the potential exists that Willow's version of the curse has different
elements to it - elements which could affect both your problems and the
question of Angel's own trigger - then I might be able to figure that out
if I could just get my hands on the damned thing.

> Huh? Caritas? The bar you were gonna take me to? the maitre d' knows if
> I have a soul or not? This is some weird-ass bar. I'm lucky if Willie
> can remember my usual. Yeah, pet, I can sing a bit. But I think I'm
> missin' a chapter here. 

The Host of Caritas is an anagogic demon who can see into people's 
destinies and futures, but only when they sing.  If you, then, performed
at Caritas he might be able to tell you if you do, in fact, have a soul as
Willow suspects.  He might be able to provide you with some other guidance
as well.

> > He is at that.  Have you ever seen him smile fully?  Without cruelty,
> > that is?  I imagine Angelus did so all the time - in fact, I don't
> > need to.
> 
> Yeah, he did. Without cruelty -- I don't think so. I don't know. I've
> seen him happy. But cruelty was pretty well always in their somewhere.
> It's -- it was -- part of him. He's good at it. Doesn't mean there
> wasn't ever joy. 

Do you know that was the first thing that struck me about Angelus?  
How *happy* he was.  The weight of the world in no way rested upon his
shoulders.  I suppose that is why I give credence to Angel's belief that a
soul makes you care about morality, however foolish that is given the
circumstances.

Angel, himself, smiles now at times.  Quite differently, still
beautifully.

> > > Because he was the first man ever to take me. 
> > 
> > Something else we share in common.
> 
> Yeah it is. Care to swap stories someday? I promise there are no deaths
> in mine.

I've already told you part of mine, but I would be happy to tell you the
rest if you're interested.  And - yes.  I would like to know your side.  I
was going to ask it of you, actually, as one of your conditions.

> > My.  I'm... starting to see why Angel suggested you do this.
> 
> Like it, pet? Want more? Just say the word.

Yes.

Wesley

***

To: Angel
From: Spike

> > If you keep that up, I may be the first vampire to die of spontaneous
> > combustion in total darkness. (Well, except for the computer screen).
> > Half of me -- what the hell! She's not a child! Let her make her own
> > mistakes! The other half -- shut the fuck up, Spike! Keep him away
> > from her whatever it takes! 
> 
> Here's a thought - how about #3: Angel's his own person who can make up
> *his* mind about what he wants to do, and then does it?  Hum?

Yeah, luv, it's not like I don't know that. Hello, grovelling boy toy
here? But you're talkin' about HER sake. You say you do what you want, you
get no argument from me. Hell, you say *I* do what you want, you get no
argument from me -- or nothing serious. But you say you're doin' what she
needs, I still say she's got a right to an opinion -- to more of one than
you do. Nothin' I can do about it. Nothin' I want to do about it, speakin'
personally. But its still there. I can shut up, if you tell me to. Hell,
please do. But I can't pretend I think that makes sense. Remember the
honest thing? You were into that a little while ago.

> > You know me so well. Or is it just that I am glaringly, pantingly
> > obvious when I have the hots for you? Or both? 
> 
> Pretty much both.

Oh good. I like obvious. Saves so much time.

> Gave him a head's-up on that m'self.  Also told him how not gentle we
> were with the guy who'd have been in his place back then.  He took it
> pretty ok. Knew we weren't going for a full repeat.

That's alright then. He didn't say a lot, but he seemed pretty happy with
the first installment. Not giving me a lot to work with, but happy.

> > At least I've been
> > reassured that if I do, he will say so and not suffer in silence. 
> 
> Yeah. He knows to bail if it stops being interesting.  Made sure he knew
> that.

Figured you would, but I did too. Wonder just how much we've been
repeating one another here.

> > > > I guess. I don't know, Angel. Just makes me feel like it does when
> > > > you grab the back of my neck. Half all's right with the world, and
> > > > half better roll over and offer my throat, quick. 
> > > 
> > > Good instincts to have.
> > 
> > Yeah, aren't they? Nice to know one or two are still working for me.
> 
> Plus it saves me time.

Always important.

> > Um, what happened to you? Where did you go? What did you do? We heard
> > some wild shit about you from time to time. Never knew what to
> > believe. 
> 
> Ok. Not to be a dick but a 100 years is a big time to cover, Spike. 
> Could you at least narrow it down a little for me?  Help me out here?

I think that was supposed to be my line. Look, Angel, I can start with
"where did you go after you left us?" and end with "How did you end up
seeing Buffy anyway?", but between that, blank. Which would be why I'm
asking the question. I'm not *trying* to make this difficult. It's just a
bit hard to narrow down a hundred years and a choice of six continents.
Could you hit the highlights? Whatever was important to you? 

> Where'd I go - lots of places.  Travelled all over, eventually ended up
> in the US.  What happened - gotta narrow it down for me.  What'd I do -
> again, narrow it down.  And what'd ya hear? Could at least tell you if
> it was true.

As for what we heard -- I pretty much gave Wesley the list. That you had
lost the soul and were hunting gypsies for revenge. That you'd joined the
Jesuits. That you joined the Nazis, or the French Resistance. That you sat
out the big one in South America. That you were livin' like a bum on rats
in New York. I'm pretty sure of that last one. I was there then, it's
where I killed my second Slayer. Heard it from a lot of people.

> > It's alright, Angel. You can if you want. You can do whatever you
> > want. Didn't mean to make that little speech. Not now. Not ever.
> > Figured you had enough guilt to be going on with. Its just ... that
> > time you hit a button you didn't know you'd put there.
> 
> No. Spike.  Jesus.  It's not fucking guilt, ok?  It's - lemme just do
> this, all right?  You wanna know, I wanna tell you.  Just ask me. You
> got it.  Let's not fuck over the whys and the broodier than thous of
> this.  I'm right here. Ask me.

Okay. I still wanna know the hows. I've been wondering for years. But
what's really bugging me is the whys. I'm sorry if you that's what you
don't want to talk about. Like I said, you don't have to. But I might was
well ask. Look, Angel, I know I'm no prize. I know I got on your nerves a
hell of a lot in the old days, and I'm sure Dru did too. But *rats*? You
were living on *rats* on the *streets* and it didn't occur to you at all
that my company might maybe be preferable? Or Dru's? You had to know we
would have come. Given you whatever you needed, left again if that's how
you wanted to play it.

> > > You should be.  Here's a hint - you'll never guess.
> > > 
> > > Helpful, huh?
> > 
> > Very. Would Wesley guess? 
> 
> Probably not.
> 
> > Should I ask him?
> 
> Can. Won't do ya much good.

Then I'll wait to be surprised. You were always good with surprises.

> > Oh, that reminds me. He said he told you how much he likes it when
> > your eyes go yellow protecting him. Said it led to some pretty amazing
> > sex.
> 
> Yeah. That'd be Wes's ability for understatement. Nice, huh?

Very.

> > Said I could ask you for details. 
> 
> Yeah. Chatted a bit about that ourselves.  Finally found out why he went
> to see you in the first place. Guess it makes as much sense as anything.

Don't think I was much help, really. But I'm bloody glad he came.

> > Details? Please? 
> 
> Ok. He sort of gave me his version of it. Not sure if it's the same
> thing he told you but figure it's a place to start.
> 
> He tells me that he got it in his head - thanks to you - ... and I'm
> thinking now maybe I owe you a scotch.... to tell me about the protector
> thing.

Yeah. Couldn't believe he hadn't told you already. 

> What I'm guessing he doesn't tell *you* is that he tells *me* when I'm
> rock hard and about *this* close to fucking him *and* his hand's wrapped
> around me jerking me off real nice.
> 
> Kid's smarter than he looks.

Kinda did tell me that part, actually. Not in such lovely detail. But I
told him it'd give me a thrill, if it were me, and that decided him to
tell you while you were already turned on.

> Anyway. So I'm half out of my mind already when he starts in with this. 
> Says it's his "confession" - Christ... you know now I'm even wondering
> if he did *that* on purpose.  Not really his thing but you never know...

Dunno. He knows about that, I take it.

> Again, anyway - at the time it doesn't even occur to me 'cause I'm not
> exactly thinking in the first place.  I'm actually real focused on his
> mouth 'cause he's talking so nice, and in the meantime he's moved and
> he's got his hips against mine like he *doesn't* know what that's doing
> to me except in this case I actually know for a fact he *does* so it's
> about fifty times hotter.

I can imagine.

> And he starts in with the "confession" thing, and he's got the stammer
> going, and the blush, and I'm thinking - ok, maybe Spike's a good
> influence after all. Wes's gonna tell me what a bad boy he is (which is
> why I didn't even think of the reference the first time. And, again, not
> doing much thinking at this point anyway).

Still tryin' to be that kind of good influence. We'll see. So far he's
changed my way of talking more than I've changed his.

> 'cept he doesn't.  Instead he starts in with the ums and ers and all
> that, then he works himself up to "Angel, I...." and we go with that for
> a bit, then we get "Angel, I want you" which, you know - nice, but I've
> heard that one before.  Not complaining, just sayin' it's not new.

> So I start teasing him a bit - you know, puttin' my hands in all the
> right places to help get this out of him - and he's gasping, and
> moaning, and finally we get up to "Angel, I want you when -"  And I'm
> thinking - aha, got my opening.

> So I get on that.  Start kissing him, biting his neck a little - not
> knowing how great this is for him in context - and telling him to tell
> me.  When does he want me? When do I make him so hot?

Have I mentioned lately how *well* you tell stories? Wesley's proper
little persona is adorable, of course, but I do admire your eye for
detail.

> And he curls up against me *real* nice and - you know, he doesn't purr
> but for him this is damn close - and says when I protect him.  Starts
> describing this to me now.  Doesn't just mean when we're on a case, or
> I'm doing my thing, but when I got his back specifically.  Like this
> time in London - 'fore we ran into you - couple'a Watchers tried messing
> with him and I let 'em know Angelus doesn't like it when anyone gets
> after Wesley like that - just a little yellow in the eyes, you know -
> and Wes is saying that that - stuff like that - gets him - what'd he
> say?  "Angel, it's so.... distracting."

I can just hear it.

> Christ.  And he's so turned on when he's saying this.  And I'm getting
> even hotter 'cause now I'm thinking and I'm *remembering* when I've done
> it and I can remember him being real turned on later 'cept I didn't know
> why, only that I liked it (should'a seen him that night - couldn't keep
> him off his knees 'cause he wanted to get his mouth on me so bad) and I
> know he's telling the truth and fuck if I don't like it 'cause I really,
> really do.

Wish I had seen him. Wish I had seen all of this. Fuck, that's hot.

> So I tell him, y'know, that he's *mine* so of 'course I'm gonna protect
> him - do anything for him.  And he gets real quiet in a good way and
> says real soft "I'm yours, Angel."
> 
> Gotta know where *this* is going, boyo.

Oh yeah. Every place it should.

> So I get him on his back real quick-like, and I've got his hands above
> his head, and he's already ready to give it up to me, but I'm not
> letting him come yet 'cause now I wanna *hear* it from him.  And I tell
> him - long as we're on the subject, Wes, wanna know what gets *me* hot?
> 
> And he Can't Say It Enough.
> 
> I'm *yours*, Angel. Completely *yours*, Angel. Do *anything* for you,
> Angel. Your faithful *servant*, Angel.
> 
> Your *slave*, Angel.
> 
> Damn near lost it.
> 
> Figured that one out on his own, ya know.  Didn't tell him to say it. 
> Just a quick learner, that boy.

Yeah, isn't he though? Inspiring. Makes sense out of something he said,
too. Though I might ask anyway -- I could definitely stand to hear this
one again.

> So we're both so - fucking - close.  And his big blue eyes are looking
> into mine like I'm God or something, and he licks his lips and says to
> me "please."
> 
> So yeah. Ok. Just for him.  Do *anything* for this boy.  Give him the
> eyes.  *Just* the eyes.  And he starts breathing real good and his
> heart's going and he's bucking 'gainst me hard as I'm lettin' him while
> I'm holdin' him down and *again* he's saying he's mine, all mine, my
> obediant slave....
> 
> And fuck yeah we come.  
> 
> I dunno. I'm pretty sure I still got the soul. 
> 
> I do.  I know.  But fuck it had to've been close.

Dear God. I know, broke my own rule there, but there are times when
nothin' else will do. I've never heard anything so hot in all my bleedin'
life. So... it was worth it? He asked me, after, if maybe he'd gone too
far, tempting you like that. I said I didn't think so, but how do I know? 

> Heh - dunno about Lindsey, but otherwise yeah.  And I dunno what they
> want. Thought I did, now I'm not sure.  Given up on caring. Got better
> things to do.

Fair enough. If they come after me, I'll let you know.

> > Not me -- but I'm guessing the pain is as severe. I wasn't joking when
> > I told Dru it was blinding. That old vamp recovery time to the rescue.
> > If strongly motivated I can stagger to my feet in ten minutes or less
> > after one good punch -- but I won't be good for much when I get there.
> > 
> 
> Totally drains your energy to try getting back into it that fast, or the
> pain just leaves you winded?

Both. Pretty much imagine a red hot poker in the brain, and then multiply.

> I still helped you find a few things.

More than a few. Have I ever said thank you for that? Thank you.

--Spike

***

To: Spike
From: Angel

> > Here's a thought - how about #3: Angel's his own person who can make
> > up *his* mind about what he wants to do, and then does it?  Hum?
> 
> Yeah, luv, it's not like I don't know that. Hello, grovelling boy toy
> here? But you're talkin' about HER sake. You say you do what you want,
> you get no argument from me. Hell, you say *I* do what you want, you get
> no argument from me -- or nothing serious. But you say you're doin' what
> she needs, I still say she's got a right to an opinion -- to more of one
> than you do. Nothin' I can do about it. Nothin' I want to do about it,
> speakin' personally. But its still there. I can shut up, if you tell me
> to. Hell, please do. But I can't pretend I think that makes sense.
> Remember the honest thing? You were into that a little while ago. 

I am being honest.  I honestly don't care what anyone thinks of this. I
Won't Live There Anymore.

> He didn't say a lot, but he seemed pretty happy
> with the first installment. Not giving me a lot to work with, but
> happy. 

Take it as a good sign.  He's got no problems saying no. Saying yes, and
saying *why* yes is what's not easy for him.  Don't push that with him. 
You got questions about it - ask me.  I'll tell you what to do.

>  Look, Angel, I can start with
> "where did you go after you left us?" and end with "How did you end up
> seeing Buffy anyway?", but between that, blank. Which would be why I'm
> asking the question. I'm not *trying* to make this difficult. It's just
> a bit hard to narrow down a hundred years and a choice of six
> continents. Could you hit the highlights? Whatever was important to you?
> 

There's your problem. Nothing was important to me. I didn't care about
anything.  Travelled all over - it was all the same.  

After I left ya - stayed in the east for a bit. Went up through Russia.

How'd I end up seeing Buffy?  Met up with a demon in New York named 
Whistler.  Told me I could make a difference, if I wanted.  Said there was
something I needed to see out in California.  Took me to see Buffy right
when she became the Slayer.  Already told you the rest.  'bout her,
anyway.

> That you
> had lost the soul and were hunting gypsies for revenge.

Ha.  Yeah. I wish.

> That you'd
> joined the Jesuits. 

If you didn't start that one I'm gonna be *real* surprised.

> That you joined the Nazis, or the French
> Resistance. That you sat out the big one in South America. 

Was in the US for all that. Doing jack shit.

> That you
> were livin' like a bum on rats in New York. I'm pretty sure of that last
> one. I was there then, it's where I killed my second Slayer. Heard it
> from a lot of people. 

Yeah.  That one's true.  

> Okay. I still wanna know the hows.

The hows of what?

> You were living on *rats* on the *streets* and it didn't occur
> to you at all that my company might maybe be preferable?

I wasn't sane.

> You
> had to know we would have come. 

Didn't. Know.

> Given you whatever you needed, left
> again if that's how you wanted to play it. 

k.  Honestly trying to answer this.  May not get it right, but  - I'm
trying.  Ok?  

The soul FUCKING HURT.  I don't know what that chip does to you, 
boy, but the soul FUCKING HURTS.  ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  And it 
REALLY hurt when they first rammed the damn thing into me and -

Ok.  I'm in Romania.  Just ate a gypsy girl who - can we just say for the
record - *highly* overrated.  Get the soul.  Get a shitload of pain.  And
memories.  And it all HURTS.  Like - shit - like I'd have probably hurt
*myself* if you asked me.  Him. You know - to hurt someone.  "Hey,
Angelus, make this guy suffer" - ok, sure, there ya go.

So everything hurts and Darla's - ok, fuck Darla for right now. I'm in
goddamned pain and it doesn't *stop*.  I can barely hold *still* it hurts
so much.

Gonna stay around you guys? In pain like that?  Fuck ME.  Think I don't
know better?  Fucking taught *you*.

And, you know, there's the stupid thing - I *don't* fucking kill myself. 
Still don't know *why* I never killed myself.  Asked Darla to do it once.
Turned me down.  Fine.

Can't hunt. *Want* to.  Can't.  Hurts.  Makes me *sick*.  I try.  I
fucking try.  Can't.  Kill?  Yeah.  You saw that.  Can't *hunt*.

Force it. *Make* myself do it....

Dunno.  Something turned off.  Just... stopped.  Didn't care. Couldn't. 
Just was.  

Got worse.  Hate everything. Not pain but - invasion. Just want 
everything to go away.

See thing is - I'm not lonely. Got everybody I killed right there with me.
 Whole 100 years.  Only company I got.

Why didn't I call my boy?  'cause I'm dead.  Or everybody else is.  
Didn't know for certain.  Just knew somebody died.  Just wanted 
everybody to go away. Leave me alone.  Alone as I can be, with all 
those souls. All that death.  All mine, and nothing else.  It's my whole
damn world.  Can't see anything else. Can't hear anything else. Can't feel
anything else.  Spike, Dru, Darla - don't exist anymore. Maybe they never
did.

Is that something like an answer for ya?

> Then I'll wait to be surprised. You were always good with surprises.

You'll like it.

> > Yeah. Chatted a bit about that ourselves.  Finally found out why he
> > went to see you in the first place. Guess it makes as much sense as
> > anything.
> 
> Don't think I was much help, really. But I'm bloody glad he came.

So I hear.

> Kinda did tell me that part, actually. Not in such lovely detail. But I
> told him it'd give me a thrill, if it were me, and that decided him to
> tell you while you were already turned on. 

See what I mean?  Smart.  Got a quick mind, that one.

> > Anyway. So I'm half out of my mind already when he starts in with
> > this.  Says it's his "confession" - Christ... you know now I'm even
> > wondering if he did *that* on purpose.  Not really his thing but you
> > never know...
> 
> Dunno. He knows about that, I take it.

Yeah.  I'm thinking it's not what he meant, though.  He's not into that. 
Acting, ya know?  Think he said confession 'cause he meant it - thought it
was a bad thing, or could be a bad thing.

But yeah. He knows.

> Still tryin' to be that kind of good influence. We'll see. So far he's
> changed my way of talking more than I've changed his. 

You talking posh again?

> Have I mentioned lately how *well* you tell stories? Wesley's proper
> little persona is adorable, of course, but I do admire your eye for
> detail. 

You know me - got an eye for this stuff.

> Wish I had seen him. Wish I had seen all of this. Fuck, that's hot.

He can push your buttons faster than he knows.  Sure as Hell pushes 
mine, anyway.

> > Figured that one out on his own, ya know.  Didn't tell him to say it. 
> > Just a quick learner, that boy.
> 
> Yeah, isn't he though? Inspiring. Makes sense out of something he said,
> too. Though I might ask anyway -- I could definitely stand to hear this
> one again. 

What'd he say?  And what d'ya want to know?  Be happy to get you all hot
again.  Or just tell you another story...

> Dear God. I know, broke my own rule there, but there are times when
> nothin' else will do. I've never heard anything so hot in all my
> bleedin' life. So... it was worth it? He asked me, after, if maybe he'd
> gone too far, tempting you like that. I said I didn't think so, but how
> do I know? 

You want me to think?

Actually - yeah.  Asked me about it too.  Kinda freaked, 'cause of the
other night.  *Real* worried he'd gone too far.

Did he?  

Dunno.  

Except - kinda no.

Thing is, he said *protect* him.  I can do that.  I'd fucking lose the
soul on *purpose* to do that, if I had to.  So when he asked me, I wasn't
thinking drink from him.  I was thinking protect him. Keep him safe. Make
him mine.

So no.  Didn't want to drink from him.  That was ok.  Could do it again -
will do it again.

Is it gonna do wonders for my overall bloodlust?  Dunno.  Have to find
out.  But it's not gonna hurt him.  *I'm* not gonna hurt him.

> > Totally drains your energy to try getting back into it that fast, or
> > the pain just leaves you winded?
> 
> Both. Pretty much imagine a red hot poker in the brain, and then
> multiply.

Do you get used to it at all or is it nice, brand-new pain each time?

> > I still helped you find a few things.
> 
> More than a few. Have I ever said thank you for that? Thank you.

Heh.

A.

***

To: Wesley
From: Spike

Hello pet --

> For Angel to turn?  I think I understand you meant this entirely
> sexually, but I felt it necessary to be sure.

Entirely. I think we've talked the other to death, don't you, between us
all? What I'm tryin' to ask is, do you think you might enjoy bein' chained
up? Do you think you might enjoy chainin' someone else up?

> What did I fantasize about before Angel?  Reading. Job satisfaction.  A
> good night at the pub, with the hope I'd meet my perfect future wife one
> day and raise proper British children.

Oh. Dear. Things are even more different from what you expected than I'd
realized. I'm more amazed than ever at how confident you are. Though I
suppose you do have the reading and the job satisfaction. And the night at
the pub. But... what did you fantasize about when you jerked off, pet?
What flashed through your mind as you came? I like a good game of darts
and a Scotch egg as much as the next man, but I'm thinking that wasn't it.


> Meaning what I fantasize about Angel now?

If you like. Or what you fantasize about me now, if you ever do. Or
strangers on the street. Or times in your boyhood when you got turned on,
even if you didn't recognize it then. Or what pictures or stories excite
you. I want to know how to make you hard. I want to know how to make you
come. I want to know how to make our time together something that makes
your breath catch when you remember it. 

> I'm trying my best to respond, Spike, and the difficulty is not in a
> lack of desire to answer the question but, I think, in a lack of my own
> imagination.  If you'll indulge me -

Always, pet.

> I was unaware of my sexuality, as I think I've said, until quite
> recently.  Because of that I didn't think of Angel in that way.  Or at
> least, I didn't do it in a manner I was aware of.

Makes sense.

> So when you ask me about my fantasies, my immediate thoughts are of my
> *first* fantasies of him.  That he might notice me.  Notice how I felt. 
> Take the burden off of what felt to be a very shameful secret.  Stop
> *tormenting* me with his actions.

This is when you thought he must be Angelus, yes?

> He - attacked me, one night.  Not purposefully, I know now.  And at the
> time I knew, quite immediately, he had not done so with the intent to
> *hurt* me in any fashion.  Out loud this was handled with a great deal
> of joking and faux machismo - and a little retribution of my own - but
> inside...

*blink* He attacked you? But not to hurt you? What happened?

> Inside I thought - actually, I hadn't known what to think.  Only that
> the idea which had been skirting around my brain had come to blazing,
> undead life, and now the dreams that had been vague shadows had a
> feeling and a sound - I now *knew* what it felt like to have Angel on
> top of me, and I liked it far too much.

I can imagine.

> That, then, became the next thing my mind focused itself on.  Angel,
> perhaps grabbing me again in the privacy of the hotel, holding me down,
> only this time *not* letting go, *not* being so oblivious to - to what I
> felt deep inside of me.  To my sheer, utterly humiliating *need* of him.

Oh yeah. I get that. Having him see it is bad, but having him not see it
is worse.

> And that is where the bulk of my fantasies lie.  Still do, to varying
> extents.
> 
> Is that at least the area you had in mind?  You said story - my guess is
> that you would prefer some detail?

Yes, it is. And yes, pet, some detail would be lovely. At least enough to
point the way.

> > But it would at least give me a clue how to please
> > you, pet. And I very much want to. 
> 
> You saying things like that are quite pleasurable.

Glad to hear it.

> > True. But the sun that never sets on the good old B.E. went into
> > twilight a long time ago. Haven't they noticed? 
> 
> That's - that's very funny, Spike.  I hadn't known you had such a 
> charming sense of humor.  "Noticed" - very good.  I'll have to tell that
> one at our next office party.

Office party. Angel at an office party. Not something I can quite picture,
I confess. Does he wear the silly hats? It might be your turn to take a
poloroid for me. (BTW, I did ask Giles about the Joy of Demon Sex, and the
face was utterly priceless. Wish you'd been there, but at least Dawn's
poloroid is in the mail as we speak.)

> If necessary.  Ideally the girl is brought back to the Council's care
> where she is medicinally retrained and - perhaps - retrained.  If not,
> you must understand that Rogue Slayers are considered to be far more
> dangerous than any vampire could.  Rehabilitation if possible, death if
> there is no other alternative.

> Of course the Council's success rate in this matter is quite another
> story.

You mean there've been others? If you know more about this, Wesley, I'd
love to hear it. I've got the feeling this could be very important for
Buffy, though I'm not sure why. 

> I didn't care to.  They'd made the offer before and I was not
> particularly interested in once again getting the details of it.  I know
> that they are of the opinion that I was overly influenced by my time on
> the Hellmouth, and because of this I have allied myself with Angelus,
> which obviously they don't approve of in any fashion.  Beyond that,
> however, they did not say.

They were utterly useless, in other words. Small surprise there.

> > Oh. I see. Good thing that spell's not in what you might call general
> > circulation, or we'd be up to our asses in trophy hunting vamps out to
> > make a fast rep. Like I used to be. 
> 
> It's Watcher specific.  There is a certain bond between a Watcher and
> his or her Slayer - ideally, at any rate - and the somewhat mystical
> nature of this can be exploited to help discover the location of
> heretofore unknown Slayers.  This is also helped by the fact that the
> transformation itself - the powers that activate within the Slayer -
> have a certain residue of their own which, knowing it as well as the
> Council does by now, is easy to trace.
> 
> Could a vampire attempt something similar?  Most likely.  Now that
> you've asked it I'm rather curious to know why one of you hasn't.

Me too. But I'm not about to start the idea by askin' around. Maybe
someone has and it just didn't work? Or it did, and they're keepin' it to
themselves. Somethin' else to watch out for, I suppose. Never a dull
moment here in Sunnyhell. Think there's anything the witches could do to
alert us if anybody tries it?

> > Because he tells me stuff that you wouldn't think to -- stuff you do
> > that's so natural that you don't notice it's special -- or sexy. And I
> > learned my taste from him, most of it. If he likes it, chances are I
> > will too. 
> 
> What sorts of things are these?  And this, I think, is a required thing
> to tell me as part of your begging.

Things like ... most recent example, I asked him for the details you said
I could. From when he turned his eyes yellow for you. There's a whole hell
of a lot you left out of that story, pet, even with your usual, what did
he call it? Gift for understatement. Like that you were moving your hips
against him in a way that drives him mad. And that you know that, which
makes it all the hotter. Like the way you phrased your little revelation
--"Angel, it's so distracting." Frankly, I'm amazed he didn't come right
then and there. I would have. Not to mention the whole bit where he told
you what *he* likes, and you, ah, obliged. And improved on the idea. As I
told Angel, it was the hottest thing I've ever heard in my life. And pet
-- I've had a *long* life. There are others, of course. But I have to
admit the vision of that last scene has rather made it hard to call
anything else to mind just now. I'll look back through his letters and see
what other examples I can find.

> I'll be as careful as I can.

Fair enough.

> Isn't there an element of degrading yourself, as well?  I mean this is
> vampire prostitution.  

Yeah, there is that. But I left dignity behind a while ago -- in a lot of
ways. There's nothin' more pathetic, in vamp circles, than bagged blood,
so anything would be a step up. Besides -- tellin' the Slayer how I felt.
Telling Angel that I still wanted him. Bit late now to be standin' on my
pride. Even a perverse sort of thrill to degredation, on occasion. But no
thrill at all to disgusting the Slayer.

> That's Angel's point exactly.  That lacking a soul *allows* you to think
> that it was fun. Or at least makes such emotions much easier to have
> than they would be if you had a soul in your possession.  It isn't that
> creatures without souls cannot care at all, it is that they cannot bring
> themselves to specifically care about morality.

Oh. Yeah, that makes sense. Though as far as I can see, the main
difference is we don't have to spend so much bloody time rationalizing.

> I believe this would go back to the basic theories of behavior 
> modification and conditioning.  For all the complexity of the technology
> involved, it seems as though their efforts boil down to the quite simple
> idea of, as I say, adversive reinforcement.  I.E. you get zapped
> everytime you do something wrong, which should then make you not want to
> do it any longer.

Er, yeah. I guess. Seem to recall this pretty much not working in those
lovely Christian concentration camps for gays, though, so I'm not holding
out a lot of hope. Blood lust is at least as strong as the common or
garden variety.

> Finding the funding for this project must have been one Hell of a grant
> proposal.  Lots of large, important sounding words to cover the fact
> that they hadn't thought of anything more original than B.F. Skinner's
> last theories.

Not sure the chip was the point. I'm thinkin' the chip was just a fancy
cattleprod to keep the animals in line. Not sure what the point was -- or
what they said it was, anyway. The bleedin' bitch in charge was building
her own personal Frankenstein's monster, but somehow I'm thinking they
didn't put that on the funding forms.

> There are many studies on the subject of operant conditioning which can
> provide us with a guide.  The only matter which increases our difficulty
> is the fact that you are immortal.  I'm unaware of any studies which
> were persistant enough to attempt a one to two hundred year followup.

Any that did lifetime of the subject?

> Of course the flip side to this is the question of how much the chip is
> providing the stimulus.  By which I mean that while, yes, it is
> providing you with *adversive* stimuli, it is, on the other hand, not
> the sole reinforcer of your behavior.  You now have things which give
> you positive encouragement for your behavior - your relationship with
> Buffy being the most obvious of this, with perhaps your interactions
> with myself and Angel adding something as well.

Yeah, this is the kicker. Without the chip I never could have gotten to
know her -- or you. But at this point, the carrot is a hell of a lot more
important than the stick. It's just pain, after all. Common as mud. I've
felt it before. Even this, searing as it is, I can handle if I have to. I
-- tried to kill Buffy, you know. She humiliated me, I spilled my guts to
her and she told me I was beneath her. I grabbed a shotgun -- figured I
could squeeze off one shot before the chip knocked me over. I still think
I could. But when I found her, she was crying. I couldn't do it. Ended up
sitting there patting her shoulder and feeling like the world's biggest
dolt 'cause I didn't know what to say to make it better.

> If the chip were to be removed, then, your reduction rate might not be
> as severe as one might anticipate because there would still be other
> reinforcers in your environment.

True. At least while you and Buffy live. Which had better be a damned long
time.

> Fair enough. Still and all, however, you and Angel are here now.  We'll
> have to do what we can and - as you have said - learn as we go.

What fun.

> > But a jaguar sickens and dies if it tries to eat grass. As you said,
> > we don't know if I need to feed from live blood, but its a distinct
> > possibility. And even if not, if I can't be what I am, what am I
> > surviving for, exactly?
> 
> But what defines you?  Is your vampiric nature your sole identity?  Are
> you, then, naught but fangs and bumps?

No, pet. Never just that. But that first, yes, I think so. Or maybe its
just, that's the bit that's giving me trouble. No one needs me not to act
like a man, or a bad poet, or a smart ass, or a horny bastard.  

> > Is inspiration really what I need? Don't worry,
> > Wesley, I'm not gonna do anything rash, and I'm well away from
> > anything sharp and wooden. But ... its not like I'm gonna get old and
> > die. I get killed, I kill myself, or I live forever. That's it on the
> > option front. If I go through all this pain, lose all my pleasures,
> > turn myself into something else -- for what?
> 
> If not for yourself - some form of pleasures included - then the entire
> thing is rather pointless.  

For her. If I do nothing else, I will stick around long enough to see her
grow old.

> But wasn't this your very argument to Angel?  That he had cut himself
> off from any fun?  That by denying himself pleasure, he had put himself
> at disadvantage?  Why does this argument not apply to you?  

You're right, Wesley. It was, and it does. I'm spendin' too much time
talking to him -- rots the brain cells. That and -- I only know one way to
be a good vampire. His. It's easy to stand aside and offer a critique. 2.2
from the East German judge. But if I'm gonna try to do it myself -- and
how wrong does that sound? -- how do I judge myself except by his
standard? Or by Buffy's, which comes to exactly the same thing. It's not
like I have a conscience to be my guide, here.

> > And a man who you know, someday, is gonna make a choice that saves the
> > world. I'm not. There's no real reason to save my brain from the
> > cleaners.
> 
> Honestly, Spike. By that logic there's no point in saving my brain
> either. 
>  The universe, you know, *is* made up of more than dark-haired prats 
> who've been dubiously blessed with destiny.

Love the phrasing, pet, though I've the feeling he might not. And I agree.
But there's every reason to save your brain, pet. To start with, it works.
I'm beginning to have my doubts about mine. 

> > > Can you cite the source? Or perhaps provide me with a copy when you
> > > get here?

> > I can get it from Red. I wasn't payin' much attention to that aspect
> > of things -- not even sure she said, and I didn't ask. 

> I'd appreciate it. Thank you.

Forgot the name of the book again, sorry, but a copy of the reference is
on its way with the Giles photo. 

> > Again, I can ask. But... the source is easy. She thinks everyone is as
> > into books as she is, it'll be natural to her that I'd want to read it
> > for myself. The curse... I don't think I can ask that without makin'
> > it clear I think she might have messed up. And I don't want to do
> > that. She took a big risk for my sake there. Doesn't seem right to
> > turn around and slap her in the face. Still -- after the delightful
> > garden party we all had in Aylsebury, she was worryin' that maybe
> > she'd done the curse wrong for both of us. It wouldn't take much
> > prodding to get her to haul out the books and take another look -- but
> > I'm thinkin' Angel wouldn't thank me for raising that issue again. 

> I would thank you.  Greatly.  For all that Xander and company were
> content to place the return of Angelus squarely in my hands, they were
> none too eager to offer the tools with which to handle it.  At least,
> none save Buffy.

Fair enough. I'll ask Red and get back to you.
But when did Buffy offer you tools? I was a bit ... preoccupied during
much of that, but I'd think I would have noticed anything tactical.

> If the potential exists that Willow's version of the curse has different
> elements to it - elements which could affect both your problems and the
> question of Angel's own trigger - then I might be able to figure that
> out if I could just get my hands on the damned thing.

All yours as soon as I get it. Just warn me first if you decide to
experiment, huh? I don't think I can count on Buffy's help again.

By the way -- can't you, or couldn't Red, just take the happiness clause
out?

> The Host of Caritas is an anagogic demon who can see into people's
> destinies and futures, but only when they sing.  If you, then, performed
> at Caritas he might be able to tell you if you do, in fact, have a soul
> as Willow suspects.  He might be able to provide you with some other
> guidance as well.

Oh, I see. Sure, why not? At this point I'm taking suggestions from pretty
much anywhere.

> > > He is at that.  Have you ever seen him smile fully?  Without
> > > cruelty, that is?  I imagine Angelus did so all the time - in fact,
> > > I don't need to.

When did you meet Angelus anyway? And why are you still alive?

> > Yeah, he did. Without cruelty -- I don't think so. I don't know. I've
> > seen him happy. But cruelty was pretty well always in their somewhere.
> > It's -- it was -- part of him. He's good at it. Doesn't mean there
> > wasn't ever joy. 
> 
> Do you know that was the first thing that struck me about Angelus?  How
> *happy* he was.  The weight of the world in no way rested upon his
> shoulders.  I suppose that is why I give credence to Angel's belief that
> a soul makes you care about morality, however foolish that is given the
> circumstances.

Given what circumstances? Lost me there, pet. I'll agree that caring about
morality is foolish under almost any circumstances, but somehow I'm sure
that isn't what you meant. And as for Angelus -- yeah, he was happy. And
it was contagious. Craziest damned thing you ever saw, him grinning while
he tortured some guy, and all of a sudden the guy starts grinning back.
Giggling, even. Not often, of course. But more than once.

> Angel, himself, smiles now at times.  Quite differently, still
> beautifully.

I'd like to see that someday.

> > > > Because he was the first man ever to take me. 
> > > 
> > > Something else we share in common.
> > 
> > Yeah it is. Care to swap stories someday? I promise there are no
> > deaths in mine.
> 
> I've already told you part of mine, but I would be happy to tell you the
> rest if you're interested.  And - yes.  I would like to know your side. 
> I was going to ask it of you, actually, as one of your conditions.

I'm interested, Wesley. Definitely. And I've got to learn to stop
offering. It's more fun if you require it. 

It was about a year after Dru first found me. We were in the Loire valley,
in some chateau that Darla fancied, keepin' the owner dazed and weak from
blood loss but never quite killin' him, so the servants wouldn't suspect.
Darla had run off to Paris to get something or other she suddenly couldn't
do without. A new hat, I think, so Angelus got bored and started playing
with Dru. In front of me, like he usually did, on our bed, to make me
jealous. 

She was stretched out on her stomach on the goosefeather coverlet with her
hair over her face, and her legs spread. He'd been workin' her over with a
riding crop and she was covered with long purple welts, and makin' little
high pitched mews like she always did when she was close. He was naked
too, fucking her from behind, hard and brutal. 

I was sprawled on a chaise lounge, still mostly dressed, stroking myself
lazily and tryin' hard to act like none of this bothered me a bit -- or at
least, like I was looking at Dru. He pushed himself up for a minute to
look at me over his shoulder -- he has damned nice shoulders, and those
strong upper arms flexing as he moved -- and said "Jealous, boy?"  

I said yes, of course. He'd taught me months ago never to lie to him. "You
can always have her after," he suggested with a grin -- the evil one, but
no less beautiful for that, "Dru's good for hours yet, aren't you now?" I
got this mental picture, like a sudden flash, of tasting his come from her
cunt, afterwards, and all of a sudden I was rock hard and blushing like a
sunset.

I don't know where I found the guts, but I managed to shake my head and
whisper, "not of you. Of her." He looked at me again, this real...
assessing smile, like I'd surprised him a little, and he was figuring out
where to put this new information. And then he said, "Hidden depths,
William. But not for long. Get naked. Now."

I was out of those clothes so fast... if you'd been there, Wesley, you'd
have seen nothing but blur and the occasional flying button. I managed to
find a tailor to fix the pants, afterwards, but the shirt was pretty much
totalled. He pulled out of Dru, who was whimpering with disappointment and
need, and shoved me down on top of her. To tell you the truth, I was a
little disappointed too -- not that I didn't love fucking Dru, but it
wasn't exactly where my head was at that moment -- until his weight came
down on top of me.

And then... it hurt like hell. I had never done this before, like I said.
And the only lubrication was Dru's juices still dripping from his cock,
soon mixed with my blood. Angelus could be patient when it suited his
purposes, but I guess he didn't want to bother that night. I thought I was
being ripped apart, and it wasn't too far from the truth. 

I was biting Dru's neck to keep from screaming, so she was giggling
happily, and every time he thrust into me I would thrust deeper into her.
It was .. bizarre. I could feel his muscles working against my back. His
nipples were hard and his hair -- which was long then -- was brushing
delicately along my shoulders. 

And then -- I don't know. Maybe my body finally just gave in and relaxed.
Maybe I'd bled enough to make a difference. Or maybe it was because I
heard him moan softly and realized I really was pleasing him. But all of a
sudden it felt good. *Really* good, even through the pain. 

I started pushing back against him. I wanted all of him inside me. I even
clenched my muscles a little, and he moaned again. I could feel him
shaking just a little. Now that was power, to make Angelus tremble with
desire. He grabbed me by the hair at the nape of my neck and pulled my
head up, to growl "Come for me, boyo" in my ear. 

And I did. Fuck, I thought I'd never stop. I was begging, mumbling,
"please, oh please" into Dru's hair, though I didn't even know what I was
asking for. And then he was saying "jesus oh god yes boy yes like that"
and I could feel his come inside me, burning in all the tiny tears.

And then he was gone, off of me, and before I had time to do more than
miss the weight of him he was pushing me off of Dru, off the bed, onto the
floor. "Happy now?" he asked with a little mocking smile. I'm amazed he
didn't laugh outright, considering how stunned I must have looked by the
whole experience. 

I tried to talk, but nothing came out, so I just blinked and nodded.
"Good." he said. "Enjoy it while you can. I won't be so gentle next time."
He raised his hand and I braced myself for a slap across the face, but he
just softly stroked my cheek once, before turning back to Dru and picking
up the whip again.

--Spike

***

To: Angel
From: Spike

> I am being honest.  I honestly don't care what anyone thinks of this. I
> Won't Live There Anymore.

Okay. Fair enough.

> Take it as a good sign.  He's got no problems saying no. Saying yes, and
> saying *why* yes is what's not easy for him.  Don't push that with him. 
> You got questions about it - ask me.  I'll tell you what to do.

So far it seems to be working. He wants answers, I provide them. But more
suggestions are always appreciated.

> > That you'd
> > joined the Jesuits. 
> 
> If you didn't start that one I'm gonna be *real* surprised.

Didn't. Might have spread it around a bit, though.

> > Okay. I still wanna know the hows.
> 
> The hows of what?

Never mind, you covered it. Oh, except one I forgot. Livin' off evil
doers? Any truth to that one?

> > You were living on *rats* on the *streets* and it didn't occur
> > to you at all that my company might maybe be preferable?
> 
> I wasn't sane.
> 
> > You
> > had to know we would have come. 
> 
> Didn't. Know.

Bloody hell. Should have told you this a hundred years ago. Thought you
knew. I belong to you, Angel. Not like a lover. More like a bloody
umbrella. Break me, throw me away, I'm still yours. So put me on the
permanent inventory list: item, one William the Bloody, for use as needed.
Use me, Angel. There must be something I'm good for, if only target
practice or a sodding paperweight. Okay, now there's Buffy. I'm hers too,
and she comes first. I'll kill anyone who tries to hurt her, even you. But
apart from that -- keep the soul, lose the soul, do the Pinnochio number
like Wesley says you will someday, I'll still be here.

> > Given you whatever you needed, left
> > again if that's how you wanted to play it. 
> 
> k.  Honestly trying to answer this.  May not get it right, but  - I'm
> trying.  Ok?  

Yes. Okay.

> The soul FUCKING HURT.  I don't know what that chip does to you, 
> boy, but the soul FUCKING HURTS.  ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  And it 
> REALLY hurt when they first rammed the damn thing into me and -

Yeah. I remember. From when Red cursed me. Not a good time. Just as well
it didn't take. Chip, thank the fucking commandos, doesn't do that until I
fuck up. Which I did all the time in the beginning, being evil and all.
But now -- the fucking thing is *training* me, Angel. Like you did. Only
there's no one to watch and no one to beg and no one to smile when I
scream. Makes it worse, that. Its so -- impersonal. My pain should make
somebody happy, you know? That was at least it has a point. But at least,
if I sit still and don't think, it doesn't hurt. It doesn't care about the
past.

> Ok.  I'm in Romania.  Just ate a gypsy girl who - can we just say for
> the record - *highly* overrated.  Get the soul.  Get a shitload of pain.
>  And memories.  And it all HURTS.  Like - shit - like I'd have probably
> hurt *myself* if you asked me.  Him. You know - to hurt someone.  "Hey,
> Angelus, make this guy suffer" - ok, sure, there ya go.

Like, Angelus, go make Angel suffer? Lost me there, luv, just a little.
But I get the basic idea.

> So everything hurts and Darla's - ok, fuck Darla for right now. I'm in
> goddamned pain and it doesn't *stop*.  I can barely hold *still* it
> hurts so much.
> 
> Gonna stay around you guys? In pain like that?  Fuck ME.  Think I don't
> know better?  Fucking taught *you*.

Now you lost me a lot. Yeah, you taught me. Pain. Torment. Humiliation.
Big fun. But that's strangers. Humans. Not you. Would I have laughed,
before I understood? Hell yes. But I would have stopped. When I saw. I
would have tried to help. I swear, Angel. Not that it matters now.

> And, you know, there's the stupid thing - I *don't* fucking kill myself.
>  Still don't know *why* I never killed myself.  Asked Darla to do it
> once. Turned me down.  Fine.
> 
> Can't hunt. *Want* to.  Can't.  Hurts.  Makes me *sick*.  I try.  I
> fucking try.  Can't.  Kill?  Yeah.  You saw that.  Can't *hunt*.

This part I get. Oh yeah. In the gut. Can't kill either, of course, but
its the hunt I miss.

> Force it. *Make* myself do it....
> 
> Dunno.  Something turned off.  Just... stopped.  Didn't care. Couldn't. 
> Just was.  

> Got worse.  Hate everything. Not pain but - invasion. Just want 
> everything to go away.

Yeah, I was here too, for a while. 

> See thing is - I'm not lonely. Got everybody I killed right there with
> me.  Whole 100 years.  Only company I got.

Any of them play poker? Seriously, Angel, are we talking ghosts or just
memories?

> Why didn't I call my boy?  'cause I'm dead.  Or everybody else is. 
> Didn't know for certain.  Just knew somebody died.  Just wanted
> everybody to go away. Leave me alone.  Alone as I can be, with all those
> souls. All that death.  All mine, and nothing else.  It's my whole damn
> world.  Can't see anything else. Can't hear anything else. Can't feel
> anything else.  Spike, Dru, Darla - don't exist anymore. Maybe they
> never did.

Still -- Angel, is it still like this, for you? All that pain? All the
time?

> Is that something like an answer for ya?

Yes, luv. I'm sorry. I'm just so fucking sorry.

> > Then I'll wait to be surprised. You were always good with surprises.
> 
> You'll like it.

Even better.

> > Don't think I was much help, really. But I'm bloody glad he came.
> 
> So I hear.

[grin] That too.

> See what I mean?  Smart.  Got a quick mind, that one.

Yeah, that he does. And brave...

> You talking posh again?

So far, only to him. But one day I'm gonna slip in front of the sodding
Scoobies and Giles is gonna have a heart attack. Might almost be worth it.

> You know me - got an eye for this stuff.

Certainly do.

> He can push your buttons faster than he knows.  Sure as Hell pushes
> mine, anyway.

Can't wait to find out. He's doing pretty well so far.

> > Yeah, isn't he though? Inspiring. Makes sense out of something he
> > said, too. Though I might ask anyway -- I could definitely stand to
> > hear this one again. 

> What'd he say?  And what d'ya want to know?  Be happy to get you all hot
> again.  Or just tell you another story...

He asked me why I wanted to touch you. I was answering. Said somethin'
about knowing my place, and he said he was beginning to know what I meant.
Well, I saw that side of him, you know? So I just said yeah I thought
maybe you could. But I wasn't expecting anything like that. Your slave,
huh? And he just volunteered it? Gotta love that boy.

And yeah, please do tell me another story. Your first time with him,
maybe? He's telling me his version, but now that I *know* how much he
leaves out.... 

> You want me to think?

No, I want you to tell me that story over and over again until I explode.
But yeah, thinking might help.

> Thing is, he said *protect* him.  I can do that.  I'd fucking lose the
> soul on *purpose* to do that, if I had to.  So when he asked me, I
> wasn't thinking drink from him.  I was thinking protect him. Keep him
> safe. Make him mine.
> 
> So no.  Didn't want to drink from him.  That was ok.  Could do it again
> - will do it again.

Good. That's alright then. Feeling a little responsible, that's all. I
like the boy, you know? Wouldn't want him to court death on my say-so. You
tell him this yet?

> Is it gonna do wonders for my overall bloodlust?  Dunno.  Have to find
> out.  But it's not gonna hurt him.  *I'm* not gonna hurt him.

I know, Angel. So does he.

> > > Totally drains your energy to try getting back into it that fast, or
> > > the pain just leaves you winded?
> > 
> > Both. Pretty much imagine a red hot poker in the brain, and then
> > multiply.
> 
> Do you get used to it at all or is it nice, brand-new pain each time?

Brand new and improved every fucking time. Can you believe it? You'd think
it'd run out of synapses eventually.

 -- Spike