To: Spike
From: Wesley

> Hello pet --

Spike.

> > For Angel to turn?  I think I understand you meant this entirely
> > sexually, but I felt it necessary to be sure.
> 
> Entirely. I think we've talked the other to death, don't you, between us
> all?

Most likely, but I've learned to make certain.  

> What I'm tryin' to ask is, do you think you might enjoy bein'
> chained up? 

Wouldn't it chafe?  Don't mortals use, well, something *else* for similar
purposes?

Which isn't to ignore your question of intent.  To answer - I don't know. 
My only experiences with such things have neither been consentual nor
pleasant.  I know that isn't what you or Angel would have in mind for such
things, which is why I do not answer a direct no, only that I am not sure.
 Perhaps the answer is I'm willing to give it a go?  Under proper
circumstances?

> Do you think you might enjoy chainin' someone else up? 

Maybe.  If it were the right person.

> > What did I fantasize about before Angel?  Reading. Job satisfaction. 
> > A good night at the pub, with the hope I'd meet my perfect future wife
> > one day and raise proper British children.
> 
> Oh. Dear. Things are even more different from what you expected than I'd
> realized

I've tried to tell you.

> I'm more amazed than ever at how confident you are.

Confident? Is that how I appear?  

> Though I suppose you do have the reading and the job satisfaction. And
> the night at the pub. 

This is all true.

> But... what did you fantasize about when you
> jerked off, pet? What flashed through your mind as you came? I like a
> good game of darts and a Scotch egg as much as the next man,

Which reminds me - have I invited you to join me in a game?

> but I'm thinking that wasn't it. 

I don't know.  Get a good triple score...

Are you asking me what I pleasured myself with back in my university days?
 Or even extending the deadline a bit and bringing it up to the past
couple of years?

I did it. I mean of course I did it - everyone does.  But I'm afraid that
my fantasies were rather - lifeless.  I picked what everyone else did -
lightweight pornographic magazines filled with large breasted women. 
Fantasy?  No.  Had any of these women appeared before me I would have
probably asked them to sit down to tea.

I made up fantasies whenever anyone asked me about them.  You know 
the moments - young men together, bragging after a cricket match, that
sort of affair.  I had girlfriends, and slept with them, and could
sometimes offer those experiences as my own C.V. 

But did I harbor secret fantasies of a strong, dark-haired man creeping
into my bedroom long back then?  No.  Not that I'm aware of.  If I did, it
was only in dreams, immediately forgotten upon awaking.

>  I want to know how to make you come. I want to know how to make our
> time together something that makes your breath catch when you remember
> it. 

You do this already, Spike.  You are charming, and handsome, 
sensual, intelligent, attractive and cocky and I *like* that.  You're
perfectly fine as you are.  There is no need for me to pretend - or for
you.  You, here.  There's not much else that's needed.

> > So when you ask me about my fantasies, my immediate thoughts are of my
> > *first* fantasies of him.  That he might notice me.  Notice how I
> > felt.  Take the burden off of what felt to be a very shameful secret. 
> > Stop *tormenting* me with his actions.
> 
> This is when you thought he must be Angelus, yes?

Yes.  At least, that was my conclusion perhaps halfway through the 
entire debacle.  It was the only thing which made sense.   Otherwise I
couldn't understand why Angel would be doing something such as that. 
However this goes to Angel's and my first time together, so I'll wait to
tell you about it entirely.

> *blink* He attacked you? But not to hurt you? What happened?

He was sleeping - dreaming about Darla - and I had to wake him in order
that we might go save Gunn.  He did not want to wake, however, nor was he
fully out of the dream when he did.  Thinking - I suppose - that in his
dream I had attacked Darla or done something to her, he, in reality,
sprang from the bed, grabbed me by the throat, threw me down to the floor,
held me there and accused me of making her go away.  

Once having done that, however, he immediately realized who I was, 
and that he was cutting off my oxygen supply, and let go.

> Oh yeah. I get that. Having him see it is bad, but having him not see it
> is worse.

Or see it, and deliberately mock it.

> Office party. Angel at an office party. Not something I can quite
> picture, I confess. Does he wear the silly hats?

Oh no. He doesn't dance either.

>  (BTW, I did ask Giles about the Joy of Demon Sex, and the face was
> utterly priceless. Wish you'd been there, but at least Dawn's poloroid
> is in the mail as we speak.) 

Thank you. I look forward to it.  Did you tell him the source of the
information?

> > Of course the Council's success rate in this matter is quite another
> > story.
> 
> You mean there've been others? If you know more about this, Wesley, I'd
> love to hear it. I've got the feeling this could be very important for
> Buffy, though I'm not sure why. 

My knowledge of Rogue and otherwise bad Slayers is, ironically, not 
terribly complete, but I can at least tell you what I'm aware of.

Slayers have, in the history of their relationship with the Council, gone
bad before.  Typically this is defined as using their abilities first and
foremost against humans (e.g. Faith) with additional definition to cover
Slayers who use their powers for evil, for personal gain, etc. (e.g.
Faith).

Buffy, after turning her back on the Council, was not considered a 
Rogue Slayer but rather a very badly trained one.  To that end she was not
considered dangerous, or even very responsible for her actions.  Instead,
Rupert and I were looked down upon for not handling her better.

I point this out so that you might understand the differences.  Faith is
Rogue.  Buffy is - Buffy.  A girl who doesn't listen to authority, which
by the Council's way of thinking is impossible to understand and very
vexing to boot.

There are also, of course, many variations within the spectrum.  For
example, Slayers who make mistakes.  Faith, for instance, was initially
considered to be such.  She had killed a man, but in the heat of battle
and while thinking he was a vampire.  The Council was not so heartless as
to have no sympathy or understanding for just such things.  It has
happened before.  Which is why I reported Faith's actions back to the
Council immediately upon hearing of them.  That way she could be taken
back to England, her case heard, and some form of fair punishment - if
indeed punishment was deemed necessary - would be given out at such time.

Er - beyond that, what are you interested in?  Specific cases of Slayers
gone Rogue?  My guesses as to how the Council will react to some of
Buffy's actions?

> > Could a vampire attempt something similar?  Most likely.  Now that
> > you've asked it I'm rather curious to know why one of you hasn't.
> 
> Me too. But I'm not about to start the idea by askin' around. Maybe
> someone has and it just didn't work? Or it did, and they're keepin' it
> to themselves. Somethin' else to watch out for, I suppose. Never a dull
> moment here in Sunnyhell. Think there's anything the witches could do to
> alert us if anybody tries it? 

I suppose such a thing could be concocted, if so desired.  But honestly
there's more immediate dangers to worry about and far easier ways to track
a Slayer of Buffy's reputation down.  Really the initial worry is tracking
down the transformation of the Choosing, which is a singular event in the
girl's life, immediately followed by the dispatching of a Watcher if one
isn't there already.

> Things like ... most recent example, I asked him for the details you
> said I could. From when he turned his eyes yellow for you. There's a
> whole hell of a lot you left out of that story, pet, even with your
> usual, what did he call it? Gift for understatement. 

Er - sorry.  But I told you I didn't have the words for it.

> Like that you were moving your hips against him in a way that drives him
> mad. And that you know that, which makes it all the hotter. 

I am both a detective and a former Watcher.  It's my profession to notice
things.  Naturally, noticing how to please him is high on this list.

> Like the way you phrased your little revelation --"Angel, it's so
> distracting." Frankly, I'm amazed he didn't come right then and there. I
> would have. 

Why?

> Yeah, there is that. But I left dignity behind a while ago -- in a lot
> of ways. There's nothin' more pathetic, in vamp circles, than bagged
> blood, so anything would be a step up. Besides -- tellin' the Slayer how
> I felt. Telling Angel that I still wanted him. Bit late now to be
> standin' on my pride. Even a perverse sort of thrill to degredation, on
> occasion. But no thrill at all to disgusting the Slayer. 

I suppose I'm just protective.  Which must be laughable, to you.

> > That's Angel's point exactly.  That lacking a soul *allows* you to
> > think that it was fun. Or at least makes such emotions much easier to
> > have than they would be if you had a soul in your possession.  It
> > isn't that creatures without souls cannot care at all, it is that they
> > cannot bring themselves to specifically care about morality.
> 
> Oh. Yeah, that makes sense. Though as far as I can see, the main
> difference is we don't have to spend so much bloody time rationalizing. 

I think Angel considers this to be essentially restating his point.

> Er, yeah. I guess. Seem to recall this pretty much not working in those
> lovely Christian concentration camps for gays, though, so I'm not
> holding out a lot of hope. Blood lust is at least as strong as the
> common or garden variety. 

Yes, but that then goes back to our other question of which is the 
necessary element?  Blood, obviously, is needed. In the same way that I,
as a human, need water, air and food.  Humans, however, adapted in the
elvolutionary process somewhere to no longer need to hunt and kill their
food directly and instead become quite happy if not thrilled to buy what
was needed at the market.  The question is, are vampires the same?  And
since your species doesn't really evolve as ours does, does the evolution
take place entirely on an individual level?

> > There are many studies on the subject of operant conditioning which
> > can provide us with a guide.  The only matter which increases our
> > difficulty is the fact that you are immortal.  I'm unaware of any
> > studies which were persistant enough to attempt a one to two hundred
> > year followup.
> 
> Any that did lifetime of the subject?

I'm sure someone must have.  I'll see what I can find.

> Yeah, this is the kicker. Without the chip I never could have gotten to
> know her -- or you. But at this point, the carrot is a hell of a lot
> more important than the stick. It's just pain, after all. Common as mud.
> I've felt it before. Even this, searing as it is, I can handle if I have
> to. I -- tried to kill Buffy, you know. She humiliated me, I spilled my
> guts to her and she told me I was beneath her. I grabbed a shotgun --
> figured I could squeeze off one shot before the chip knocked me over. I
> still think I could. But when I found her, she was crying. I couldn't do
> it. Ended up sitting there patting her shoulder and feeling like the
> world's biggest dolt 'cause I didn't know what to say to make it better.
> 

You see?  Then it's something within you, stronger than the chip.

> > If the chip were to be removed, then, your reduction rate might not be
> > as severe as one might anticipate because there would still be other
> > reinforcers in your environment.
> 
> True. At least while you and Buffy live. Which had better be a damned
> long time.

I'll do my best.  And... thank you.

> > But wasn't this your very argument to Angel?  That he had cut himself
> > off from any fun?  That by denying himself pleasure, he had put
> > himself at disadvantage?  Why does this argument not apply to you?  
> 
> You're right, Wesley. It was, and it does. I'm spendin' too much time
> talking to him -- rots the brain cells. That and -- I only know one way
> to be a good vampire. His. It's easy to stand aside and offer a
> critique. 2.2 from the East German judge. But if I'm gonna try to do it
> myself -- and how wrong does that sound? -- how do I judge myself except
> by his standard? Or by Buffy's, which comes to exactly the same thing.
> It's not like I have a conscience to be my guide, here. 

You learn the same way everyone else does - trial and error, combined with
feedback.  I offer whatever help that I may.

> > Honestly, Spike. By that logic there's no point in saving my brain
> > either. 
> >  The universe, you know, *is* made up of more than dark-haired prats 
> > who've been dubiously blessed with destiny.
> 
> Love the phrasing, pet, though I've the feeling he might not. 

I've called him a prat to his face before.  And a downright stupid wanker.
Several occasions for that one.

> And I agree. But there's every reason to save your brain, pet. To start
> with, it works. I'm beginning to have my doubts about mine. 

I think it works fine.

> Forgot the name of the book again, sorry, but a copy of the reference is
> on its way with the Giles photo. 

Thank you. I'll read it as soon as I'm able.

> But when did Buffy offer you tools? I was a bit ... preoccupied during
> much of that, but I'd think I would have noticed anything tactical. 

Weeks after the fact. She sent me a stake in the mail.  Redundant, but
practical.

> All yours as soon as I get it. Just warn me first if you decide to
> experiment, huh? I don't think I can count on Buffy's help again. 

I wouldn't do anything without your permission.

> By the way -- can't you, or couldn't Red, just take the happiness clause
> out?

I've never seen the curse in my life so I honestly don't know.  This is
part of the reason why I am aching to get my hands on it.  I'm no witch -
I doubt I have the strength right now to cast a spell of that magnitude,
or even one half it's strength - but I at least have skills at decoding
such things.

> When did you meet Angelus anyway? And why are you still alive?

Last year Angel met up with an actress who found out about his 
vampiric nature and decided that she wanted a part of it for herself.
Thinking that it would make him agreeable to turning her, she drugged him
with a tranquilizer that induces a state of bliss - perfect contentment. 
It was entirely synthetic, of course, but it was enough to bring out
Angelus at the time.  He attacked her, myself and Cordy, but I suspect his
drugged state slowed his reflexes more than he wanted to show.  Whatever
the cause, he kept his work primarily verbal, with only the occasional
physical blow to back it up.

When he had turned his attentions upon Cordy, I was able to surprise him
and knock him into an elevator shaft where his head was struck and he was
rendered unconscious long enough for us all to use the aforementioned
chains until the drug wore off and he became himself again.

> > Do you know that was the first thing that struck me about Angelus? 
> > How *happy* he was.  The weight of the world in no way rested upon his
> > shoulders.  I suppose that is why I give credence to Angel's belief
> > that a soul makes you care about morality, however foolish that is
> > given the circumstances.
> 
> Given what circumstances?

The circumstances that the one time I saw him "turn" he hadn't actually
lost his soul.  

> > I've already told you part of mine, but I would be happy to tell you
> > the rest if you're interested.  And - yes.  I would like to know your
> > side.  I was going to ask it of you, actually, as one of your
> > conditions.
> 
> I'm interested, Wesley. Definitely. 

I'll tell you as much as I'm able, though it will undoubtedly pale in
comparison to yours.

As I said earlier, Angel's actions of the past months had caused me - and
everyone else - to suspect that he was becoming Angelus again.  In
particular I began to believe it not only due to his actions in response
to Darla, but because of how he had treated me. 

I hadn't known that I cared for men.  Not consciously.  But Angel's 
actions - comments that he made, things that he did - forced me to 
start seeing why I felt and reacted to him in certain ways.  

It - as I told Angel - made sense to me that this would be Angelus, 
picking up on my one hidden weakness and exploiting it for all it was
worth.

When Angel finally returned to us, I was naturally glad to see him turn
away from his dark path, but at the same time I was completely... I can't
think of another word besides miserable.  He *hadn't* been Angelus.  He'd
just been an ass.  With no idea of how I'd felt, or what he'd been doing
to me.

I couldn't stand looking at him.  Gunn and Cordy, unaware of my 
feelings beyond what they felt to be a mutually shared feeling of 
betrayal, did what they could to keep a comfortable distance between us,
but it wasn't enough.

Angel himself finally put an end to it by arriving at my doorstep at three
in the morning, asking to see me.  I assumed he was drunk, but apparently
he'd only wanted to make some attempt at reconciliation between us as soon
as possible.  He didn't like, he said, "this *thing*" between him and I -
the anger I had which he knew was entirely for him, and entirely separate
from the anger that Gunn and Cordy felt.

I hadn't wanted to tell him - had been quite content, in fact, to let him
remain ignorant until the day I died - except that he ... He got down on
his knees before me, literally begged for my forgiveness then said "as a
friend."

I couldn't stand it.  I told him to get out, then I told him *why*.  Let
him know what I now felt to be the true horror of all I'd been put through
- how my life had been turned irreversibly upside-down while I did not
even have the satisfaction of knowing it had been done for Angelus's
amusement.  A complete *fluke*.  Something not even purposeful enough to
be termed an accident.  More fool, me.

Angel - he listened, trying to understand, then once he did immediately
began his apologies.  Babbling them, in fact.  Saying anything he could to
indicate how sorry he was - which of course was the last thing I wanted to
hear.  I wanted him gone.  Out of my life forever.  In fact, even as he
spoke, I was planning how to arrange it, asking myself if it might not be
easier to abandon it all and move back to England. Start anew.

Possibly becoming aware of my inattention, Angel then directly stated that
he loved me.

Which, again, caused my world to turn upside-down - or at least shook it a
good ninety degrees.

I hadn't planned on such a senario.  Angelus's cruelty, yes.  Angel's
actual obliviousness - not planned for, but I'd adjusted to it.  But an
actual declaration of love?  From him?  For me?  I wasn't sure what to
say, or do.  My feelings increased when he explained that, in fact, he
*had* been interested in me for some time and had, in fact, acted on that
interest in order to determine my own feelings but, having done so before
my own awareness of it all, thought I'd been rebuffing him.

He then asked if he might make it all up to me, and when I asked him how,
he kissed me.  He then immediately tried to insist that he wasn't rushing
me, that I could take as much time as I could to consider the matter, make
sure of how I felt, what I wanted.

Naturally I wanted no such thing.  I wanted him now, and gave him his
invitation.  He took me back into my bedroom, and did me the kindness of
allowing me to discover him as much as I desired, before indulging himself
in the same of me.  He - and as I type this I cannot help but think of the
contrast between our two stories - did his best to be as gentle as he
could, to make sure that it did not hurt more than it needed to, and when
all was said and done, he lay beside me and stayed the rest of the night.

> And I've got to learn to stop offering. It's more fun if you require it.
> 

On the topic of that - what do you desire about him now?  What are you
hoping that he'll do, once you get here?

Wesley

***

To: Spike
From: Angel

> > > That you'd
> > > joined the Jesuits. 
> > 
> > If you didn't start that one I'm gonna be *real* surprised.
> 
> Didn't. Might have spread it around a bit, though.

Uh huh.

> Never mind, you covered it. Oh, except one I forgot. Livin' off evil
> doers? Any truth to that one? 

Some. Tried it. Didn't work out.

> Bloody hell. Should have told you this a hundred years ago. Thought you
> knew. I belong to you, Angel. Not like a lover. More like a bloody
> umbrella. Break me, throw me away, I'm still yours. 

Why?

> I'll kill anyone who tries to hurt her,
> even you. 

Good.

> But at least, if I sit still and don't think, it doesn't hurt. It
> doesn't care about the past. 

Hurts if you even think of killing something with a heartbeat?

> > Gonna stay around you guys? In pain like that?  Fuck ME.  Think I
> > don't know better?  Fucking taught *you*.
> 
> Now you lost me a lot. Yeah, you taught me. Pain. Torment. Humiliation.
> Big fun. But that's strangers. Humans. Not you. Would I have laughed,
> before I understood? Hell yes. But I would have stopped. When I saw. I
> would have tried to help. I swear, Angel. Not that it matters now. 

Taught you to have no respect for weakness. To hit it for all it's worth.

> > See thing is - I'm not lonely. Got everybody I killed right there with
> > me.  Whole 100 years.  Only company I got.
> 
> Any of them play poker? Seriously, Angel, are we talking ghosts or just
> memories? 

Sometimes both.  Mostly memories.  Ghosts - just a few times.  Last 
was a couple of years ago.  When I got back from Hell.

> Still -- Angel, is it still like this, for you? All that pain? All the
> time?

Sort of.  It hurts a lot.  Now mostly when I let it.  Always there,
though.  But sometimes... I can look at Wes, and it's not so bad.  Can do
something good, and it's not so bad.  Be somebody. That's nice.  Makes me
wanna keep trying.

> > Is that something like an answer for ya?
> 
> Yes, luv. I'm sorry. I'm just so fucking sorry.

Why?

> > > Then I'll wait to be surprised. You were always good with surprises.
> > 
> > You'll like it.
> 
> Even better.

Tempted to tell you now.  Chance you might guess it.

> > See what I mean?  Smart.  Got a quick mind, that one.
> 
> Yeah, that he does. And brave...

Tell me about it.

> > You talking posh again?
> 
> So far, only to him. But one day I'm gonna slip in front of the sodding
> Scoobies and Giles is gonna have a heart attack. Might almost be worth
> it. 

Might almost be worth it to see it when you do.

> Your slave, huh? And he just volunteered it? Gotta love that boy. 

Yep.  The look in his eyes, too... 

> And yeah, please do tell me another story. Your first time with him,
> maybe? He's telling me his version, but now that I *know* how much he
> leaves out.... 

Sure?  This one might make you run for the insulin.

Been - I dunno, maybe a week or so since I came back.  Eating a pretty
healthy amount of crow - all deserved.  Doing what I can to get back in
the swing of things, but Wes is keeps cutting me off.  At the knees,
practically at the balls.  He's *pissed*.  Start feeling like maybe I need
to shoot myself in the chest everytime I want to talk to him, just to help
jump-start the conversation.

Finally can't take anymore.  He ever gonna like me again? Probably not. 
 But I at least wanna know *why*.  The Hell did I do that's pissing him
off so personally?

And - ok - yeah - make it up to him.  If I can.  I'm dying over here. 
It's like I came *this* close to losing everything, only I make the save
right in the nick of time... except for him.  Get everything back except
him.  I can't take it.  I *want* him.  I *need* Cordy (and I like Cordy),
but I *want* him.

So yeah, give it a shot. Like an ass.

Bet anything he told you when I showed up.  Spent the whole night 
brooding about it and forgot to check the clock.  Again - I'm an ass. 
You'll like this, 'cause that's gonna be a running theme for this story.
Not sexy, but amusing for you.

So... there I am.  Making small talk.  He's looking at me like I'm the
retarded friend he's *got* to put up with.  Ok, fine.  I'm a jerk. We can
all agree on that.  But - the Hell?

So I ask him.  And he tells me.  And I feel like *Shit*.  Could *not* have
been more clueless.  About everything.  Which, again, he tells me himself.
 Christ.  I wanna pack it in right then, ya know?  The *one* guy who was
really starting to mean something to me is the *one* guy I fuck it up with
that bad.  *Hurt* that bad.  Kill me now.

Ask forgiveness. He doesn't want it.  Try to say something nice - 
doesn't want to hear it.  Finally I can't fucking stand it anymore and I
tell him I love him 'cause I can't take another second of him *not*
knowing that, thinking I treated him the way I did.

That's when I find out the feeling's mutual.

Wasn't sure about that bit.  Hell - fucking thought he was running off and
fucking *Gunn* in his spare time (which, you know, made loosing him *that*
much better for me - yeah, he's fucking the guy *I* introduced him to.
Nice one, Angel.).  But no - no Gunn, just me.  And Wes has that look on
his face again - the nice one, like when I told him to stay the first
time.

So I kiss him.  Nothing big.  Just enough to let him know there's 
interest.  He wants Angel - he's got it.  

Figure maybe I crossed a line there, went to fast for him or something. 
But no, he's right there with me, kissing me back and, you know, not like
he's got experience at this but damn if earnest desire to please ain't
making up for a lot.

Now I'm really starting to sweat it.  Know the soul's not in danger or
anything, but still - came to just talk to Wes, not seduce him.  Woke him
up in the middle of the night - maybe he's not thinking clearly.  I dunno.
 Just get worried I'm leading him down the wrong path.  Taking advantage
of him or something. Tell him hey - you want me to go, I'm outta here.  I
can be a gentleman.

He's right up against me now, kissing me for all he's worth, and he says -
right against my mouth now - that yeah, he's sure.  "I invite you" he
says. "Truly."

Ok. Turned on, but again maybe he's kidding. I joke back - you know 
the invite's for the whole place. I can go wherever I want. Even the
bedroom.

Yeah, he says, but I'm taking so "damned long" he figured the invitation
had been recinded.

Heh.

Grab him, take him back in the bedroom, put him down on the bed, get on
top of him so he can feel every bit of my body against his and ask if
*that's* what he had in mind?

Turns out - yeah.

I'm - I'm in a daze here.  He's so fucking beautiful.  He starts touching
me, and I can hold still forever if that's what it takes.  Great to just
watch him. See him look at me, find out I'm real, I'm not going anywhere. 
Plus I'm just dying.  Between Buffy and Darla really only had four times
to let off steam - and Wes is a good year's worth of frustration on his
own.  Wanna hold back until he's ready 'cause I figure I won't be able to
once I *stop*.

Finally he starts getting shy.  Realizes I'm looking at him, enjoying the
view.  Tries to move away. I pull him right back.  Figure now's the time
to show him what he does to me.  Start kissing him, touching him,
undressing him nice and slow - wanted this for so long, I wanna savor it. 
 He's ready to explode at any second but you know me - keeping him 
right on the edge. No problem there.

Start with the chest.  Get my hands inside the nightshirt, make him 
start to wriggle, follow up with my teeth and lips, unbuttoning as I go. 
Tell him how much I like him - how sexy he is.  He starts moaning my name.
 Doesn't say much else - just Angel over and over.  

I say his name back, start really working on him now - get his nipples and
start biting and sucking.  That *really* gets his attention.  I make him
jump just so he can jump to me - right into my arms, for more kissing. 
Holding him tight while his heart's pounding and his cock is hard against
me.

Oh yeah - his cock.  Free up one hand, move it down lower.  He's 
shaking now.  Actually warns me he's too close.  Damn I love him for
knowing stuff like that.

Go to tease him. Haven't even touched his cock yet, just getting in the
general area.  Move my hand further away so he doesn't come.  Would've
worked, 'cept like an idiot I hit his stitches.

Wes told you he got shot in the gut, right?

He's crying out in the *wrong* kind of pain, I'm feeling a million fucking
times an idiot *and* an asshole and *he's* gotta calm *me* down and let me
know it's gonna be ok.  Christ.

Works out ok though 'cause now I can tell him about the soul - it's not a
problem, other than him don't really have perfect happiness -

He gets it, was ahead of me on that one anyway, so we're good.

'cept...

Now *he's* pushing *me* down onto the bed, and he's right on top of me and
my cock is *right* up against his ass and it's driving me fucking *nuts*
'cause he keeps *moving* and he - then - has no *idea* what it's doing to
me so I'm going out of my mind everytime he *breathes* and to make it
worse he's running his hands over my chest which - you know - feels good
at the best of times, even nicer now that I've got - fuck if I know -
shitload of bruises and a broken rib or two still?  Wes wants to run those
nice hands of his down my battered body - hell yeah. Take your time.

Only he wants to talk - asks me, hey, while we're on the subject, why the
Hell do you *have* a shitload of bruises and a broken rib or two?

And, you know, it should be funny - like here we are, hotter than hot, and
Wes is trying to have a conversation - except... I like it.  He's worried
about me.  Halfway ready to kick the ass of the guy who did it.  I just -
never had that before.  And it's him on top of it - you know what I mean. 
So even though it should be a turn off or something, it's just nicer.  A
lot nicer.  Like I want him even more now.

So now things get faster.  Want him naked, want him *now*.  Get rid of the
rest of the clothes, feel that nice body of his against me, get him back
down on the bed to *really* press my cock against him and start enjoying
myself.

It's his first time so I ask him - what do you want?  Pretty much ready to
give whatever he needs.  In, he says, and he rocks his hips up against
mine like he's *born* to do it or something - and he looks me in the eyes
and says "I invite you."

Oh yeah. That's real nice.

Hundred plus years of torture come in handy as I figure out a way I can
fuck him and *not* rip his god-damn stitches out, and we both say a silent
"thank you" to his ex-girlfriend for leaving some supplies behind in the
nightstand.  Lube him up - enjoying a few moments there of getting my
hands on and in his ass - then slide myself in nice and slow.

Fuck he feels good.  He's shaking a little, grabbing the sheets - 'course
it hurts but he's trying to adjust and Hell, who knows, maybe the
painkillers are giving us an extra bonus here as well. Doesn't seem to be
hurting him too much.  And he's making such - nice - sounds.

And he feels *so* *good*.  God, like he's *meant* to have my cock in
there, it fits so nice.

My willpower?  Lasts about two seconds.  

I start thrusting and he starts responding - not sure yet what he's 
supposed to be doing but he can figure out what feels good quick 
enough and try to match me as I go.  And *that* turns me on even more -
Wes, so hot, so horny, so turned on he can't even use *words* anymore, he
wants me so bad - he's whimpering, I'm dying, and finally bam!  He comes,
and I'm a goner not long after.

It was nice. Really really nice.

Care for another?

> > You want me to think?
> 
> No, I want you to tell me that story over and over again until I
> explode. 

'k. He's got his hand around my cock and he's jerking me off real nice...

> > So no.  Didn't want to drink from him.  That was ok.  Could do it
> > again - will do it again.
> 
> Good. That's alright then. Feeling a little responsible, that's all. I
> like the boy, you know? Wouldn't want him to court death on my say-so.

Not like I do.  

I know - you weren't saying that. Just offering my two cents.

> You tell him this yet? 

Yeah. Made sure we had a conversation on that one. 

> > Do you get used to it at all or is it nice, brand-new pain each time?
> 
> Brand new and improved every fucking time. Can you believe it? You'd
> think it'd run out of synapses eventually. 

Sucks.

A.

***

To: Wesley
From: Spike

> Wouldn't it chafe?  Don't mortals use, well, something *else* for
> similar purposes?

Depends how its done. Cuffs, rope, leather straps, whatever you'd fancy.

> Which isn't to ignore your question of intent.  To answer - I don't
> know.  My only experiences with such things have neither been consentual
> nor pleasant.  I know that isn't what you or Angel would have in mind
> for such things, which is why I do not answer a direct no, only that I
> am not sure.  Perhaps the answer is I'm willing to give it a go?  Under
> proper circumstances?

If it doesn't appeal, no need to push it on my account. Don't want to
bring up any bad memories. But it could be rather fun for me an' Angel to
tease you for, oh, an hour or two, or three, or four, with you unable to
reach us or yourself...

> > Do you think you might enjoy chainin' someone else up? 
> 
> Maybe.  If it were the right person.

Well, we've got me and Angel, so far. Either of us look promising? The
former is an offer, if you're ever so inclined. The latter can only be a
hypothetical question.

> I've tried to tell you.

Know you have, pet. Just takes a while to sink in, is all.

> > I'm more amazed than ever at how confident you are.
> 
> Confident? Is that how I appear?  

Willing to take risks for what you want. Sure of who you are and what you
need when your world's been turned upside down. Able to forge ahead when
everyone that should have supported you cut you down and questioned you
instead. Maybe I should have said courageous. Or both. 

> > But... what did you fantasize about when you
> > jerked off, pet? What flashed through your mind as you came? I like a
> > good game of darts and a Scotch egg as much as the next man,
> 
> Which reminds me - have I invited you to join me in a game?

Not yet... but I'd love to. Don't suppose this telepathic kareoke joint
has a board?

> I don't know.  Get a good triple score...

[chuckle] One of life's underrated pleasures, yes. Also useful as a
torture device, on occasion. 

> Are you asking me what I pleasured myself with back in my university
> days?  Or even extending the deadline a bit and bringing it up to the
> past couple of years?

Yes. Or now, for that matter.

> I did it. I mean of course I did it - everyone does.  But I'm afraid
> that my fantasies were rather - lifeless.  I picked what everyone else
> did - lightweight pornographic magazines filled with large breasted
> women.  Fantasy?  No.  Had any of these women appeared before me I would
> have probably asked them to sit down to tea.

Hey, whatever works for you.

> >  I want to know how to make you come. I want to know how to make our
> > time together something that makes your breath catch when you remember
> > it. 
> 
> You do this already, Spike.  You are charming, and handsome, 
> sensual, intelligent, attractive and cocky and I *like* that.  You're
> perfectly fine as you are.  There is no need for me to pretend - or for
> you.  You, here.  There's not much else that's needed.

Oh -- Wesley, I don't know what to say. Except I'll be there *soon*.
You're good for my ego, pet. Or, as Angel would no doubt say, bad for it. 

> He was sleeping - dreaming about Darla - and I had to wake him in order
> that we might go save Gunn.  He did not want to wake, however, nor was
> he fully out of the dream when he did.  Thinking - I suppose - that in
> his dream I had attacked Darla or done something to her, he, in reality,
> sprang from the bed, grabbed me by the throat, threw me down to the
> floor, held me there and accused me of making her go away.  

He never was an evening person, but this seems a bit much, even for him.

> Once having done that, however, he immediately realized who I was, and
> that he was cutting off my oxygen supply, and let go.

And you -- except for the breathing thing -- rather wished he hadn't.

> > Oh yeah. I get that. Having him see it is bad, but having him not see
> > it is worse.
> 
> Or see it, and deliberately mock it.

That, I got used to. It's not so bad, once you realize *he's* getting off
on *that*. Think of it as the Angelus method of flirting.

> >  (BTW, I did ask Giles about the Joy of Demon Sex, and the face was
> > utterly priceless. Wish you'd been there, but at least Dawn's poloroid
> > is in the mail as we speak.) 
> 
> Thank you. I look forward to it.  Did you tell him the source of the
> information?

Not yet. Between being dazed by the question, the flash, and the
implication that I might be literate, the poor man was already in full,
spluttering retreat. But I can if you'd like.


> Er - beyond that, what are you interested in?  Specific cases of Slayers
> gone Rogue?  My guesses as to how the Council will react to some of
> Buffy's actions?

More the first. Mostly so I can convince Buffy she isn't in any danger of
it if she lets her hair down once in a while. The second might come in
handy at some point, but most of the actions the Council might object to
they already know about, so I'm thinking its not as immediate.

> I suppose such a thing could be concocted, if so desired.  But honestly
> there's more immediate dangers to worry about and far easier ways to
> track a Slayer of Buffy's reputation down.  Really the initial worry is
> tracking down the transformation of the Choosing, which is a singular
> event in the girl's life, immediately followed by the dispatching of a
> Watcher if one isn't there already.

Fair enough. That's when a trophy hunting vamp would want to close in too
-- before she had the experience to give him a real fight.

> Er - sorry.  But I told you I didn't have the words for it.

No need to be sorry. Just means I get to hear these things twice, which is
about as far from a chore as it is possible to be. And you had the words
when it counted, or so I hear.

> I am both a detective and a former Watcher.  It's my profession to
> notice things.  Naturally, noticing how to please him is high on this
> list.

I can see that.

> > Like the way you phrased your little revelation --"Angel, it's so
> > distracting." Frankly, I'm amazed he didn't come right then and there.
> > I would have. 
> 
> Why?

Partly from knowing that you felt that way. Partly because its just so
*you*, the way you said it. I don't know -- its my turn not to have the
words, this time.

> I suppose I'm just protective.  Which must be laughable, to you.

I'm not laughing, pet. I'm -- moved. It's not necessary for you to protect
me. And yeah, its probably not very practical, either. But it means a lot
that you cared enough to want to.

> > Oh. Yeah, that makes sense. Though as far as I can see, the main
> > difference is we don't have to spend so much bloody time
> > rationalizing. 
> 
> I think Angel considers this to be essentially restating his point.

But then, what difference does it make? If it doesn't stop you from
actually doin' the nasty stuff?

> Yes, but that then goes back to our other question of which is the
> necessary element?  Blood, obviously, is needed. In the same way that I,
> as a human, need water, air and food.  Humans, however, adapted in the
> elvolutionary process somewhere to no longer need to hunt and kill their
> food directly and instead become quite happy if not thrilled to buy what
> was needed at the market.  The question is, are vampires the same?  And
> since your species doesn't really evolve as ours does, does the
> evolution take place entirely on an individual level?

Dunno. Not routinely, I shouldn't think. Old vampires tend to get less
human, not more. Lose the face and whatnot. Maybe I'm devolving. Soon I'll
be an amoeba, at this rate. 

Seriously -- just on a gut level, so to speak, I doubt I need live blood
to live. Bagged has all the same stuff in it, after all. Its just -- the
hunt, the chase, the fight, the kill, the taste of helplessness -- that's
what I lived *for*. I've found another way to get the chasing and fighting
bit, at least enough to get by. But the rest is a hunger that bagged blood
does nothing at all to satisfy. Like a life of celibacy -- it's not
impossible when you have no choice, but few people attempt it voluntarily,
and fewer succeed.

> You see?  Then it's something within you, stronger than the chip.

Love, I think. But I can't love the whole world. I can barely tolerate it,
most days. I don't know how you an' Angel manage to care about so many
strangers. 

> > True. At least while you and Buffy live. Which had better be a damned
> > long time.
> 
> I'll do my best.  And... thank you.

You're welcome.

> > > But wasn't this your very argument to Angel?  That he had cut
> > > himself off from any fun?  That by denying himself pleasure, he had
> > > put himself at disadvantage?  Why does this argument not apply to
> > > you?  
> > 
> > You're right, Wesley. It was, and it does. I'm spendin' too much time
> > talking to him -- rots the brain cells. That and -- I only know one
> > way to be a good vampire. His. It's easy to stand aside and offer a
> > critique. 2.2 from the East German judge. But if I'm gonna try to do
> > it myself -- and how wrong does that sound? -- how do I judge myself
> > except by his standard? Or by Buffy's, which comes to exactly the same
> > thing. It's not like I have a conscience to be my guide, here. 
> 
> You learn the same way everyone else does - trial and error, combined
> with feedback.  I offer whatever help that I may.

Thank you. I appreciate it. And if I actually do this, I'm gonna need all
the help I can get. But -- well, not to offend you, pet, but you're on the
Angel Gold Standard too. Seems to be the one thing everyone in my life can
agree on.

> I've called him a prat to his face before.  And a downright stupid
> wanker. Several occasions for that one.

*Knew* I liked you. Care to share *those* details?

> > But when did Buffy offer you tools? I was a bit ... preoccupied during
> > much of that, but I'd think I would have noticed anything tactical. 
> 
> Weeks after the fact. She sent me a stake in the mail.  Redundant, but
> practical.

That's my Buffy.

> > All yours as soon as I get it. Just warn me first if you decide to
> > experiment, huh? I don't think I can count on Buffy's help again. 
> 
> I wouldn't do anything without your permission.

I wouldn't do anything without hers -- and I don't know that she'd give
it. She said she missed me the way I was. Am. You know.

> I've never seen the curse in my life so I honestly don't know.  This is
> part of the reason why I am aching to get my hands on it.  I'm no witch
> - I doubt I have the strength right now to cast a spell of that
> magnitude, or even one half it's strength - but I at least have skills
> at decoding such things.

I'll see Red tonight at the Bronze, and bring it up then. I'd like to do
this away from Giles, if possible.

> He attacked her, myself and Cordy, but I 
> suspect his drugged state slowed his reflexes more than he wanted to
> show.  Whatever the cause, he kept his work primarily verbal, with only
> the occasional physical blow to back it up.

Either that or he likes you.

> When he had turned his attentions upon Cordy, I was able to surprise him
> and knock him into an elevator shaft where his head was struck and he
> was rendered unconscious long enough for us all to use the
> aforementioned chains until the drug wore off and he became himself
> again.

You're a resourceful one, aren't you?

> The circumstances that the one time I saw him "turn" he hadn't actually
> lost his soul.  

But he wasn't very happy, by all accounts. So the logic still holds.

> I'll tell you as much as I'm able, though it will undoubtedly pale in
> comparison to yours.

I wouldn't say that. Different, no doubt.

> It - as I told Angel - made sense to me that this would be Angelus,
> picking up on my one hidden weakness and exploiting it for all it was
> worth.

That's Angelus, all right.

> When Angel finally returned to us, I was naturally glad to see him turn
> away from his dark path, but at the same time I was completely... I
> can't think of another word besides miserable.  He *hadn't* been
> Angelus.  He'd just been an ass.  With no idea of how I'd felt, or what
> he'd been doing to me.

He can be so *dense* sometimes. This might have been a good time for that
hammer to the head.

> Angel himself finally put an end to it by arriving at my doorstep at
> three in the morning, asking to see me.  I assumed he was drunk, but
> apparently he'd only wanted to make some attempt at reconciliation
> between us as soon as possible.  He didn't like, he said, "this *thing*"
> between him and I - the anger I had which he knew was entirely for him,
> and entirely separate from the anger that Gunn and Cordy felt.

Not *that* dense then.

> I hadn't wanted to tell him - had been quite content, in fact, to let
> him remain ignorant until the day I died - except that he ... He got
> down on his knees before me, literally begged for my forgiveness then
> said "as a friend."

I'd have paid something to see that. Angel begging. Angel on his knees.
Didn't do *anything* for you, pet? Before the friend line dumped cold
water all over it, I mean?

> I couldn't stand it.  I told him to get out, then I told him *why*.  Let
> him know what I now felt to be the true horror of all I'd been put
> through - how my life had been turned irreversibly upside-down while I
> did not even have the satisfaction of knowing it had been done for
> Angelus's amusement.  A complete *fluke*.  Something not even purposeful
> enough to be termed an accident.  More fool, me.

I get that. Just been sayin' the same thing about the chip to Angel. If
its on purpose, if someone is gettin' their jollies out of it, at least
that's *something*.

> Angel - he listened, trying to understand, then once he did immediately
> began his apologies.  Babbling them, in fact.  Saying anything he could
> to indicate how sorry he was - which of course was the last thing I
> wanted to hear.  I wanted him gone.  Out of my life forever.  In fact,
> even as he spoke, I was planning how to arrange it, asking myself if it
> might not be easier to abandon it all and move back to England. Start
> anew.

I'm so glad you didn't, pet. Though I do see the temptation.

> Possibly becoming aware of my inattention, Angel then directly stated
> that he loved me.
> 
> Which, again, caused my world to turn upside-down - or at least shook it
> a good ninety degrees.

I imagine it would.

> I hadn't planned on such a senario.  Angelus's cruelty, yes.  Angel's
> actual obliviousness - not planned for, but I'd adjusted to it.  But an
> actual declaration of love?  From him?  For me?  I wasn't sure what to
> say, or do.  My feelings increased when he explained that, in fact, he
> *had* been interested in me for some time and had, in fact, acted on
> that interest in order to determine my own feelings but, having done so
> before my own awareness of it all, thought I'd been rebuffing him.

What a comedy of errors!

> He then asked if he might make it all up to me, and when I asked him
> how, he kissed me.  He then immediately tried to insist that he wasn't
> rushing me, that I could take as much time as I could to consider the
> matter, make sure of how I felt, what I wanted.

> Naturally I wanted no such thing. I wanted him now, and gave him his
> invitation.  He took me back into my bedroom, and did me the kindness of
> allowing me to discover him as much as I desired, before indulging
> himself in the same of me. 

Sounds wonderful.

 He - and as I type this I cannot help but 
> think of the contrast between our two stories - did his best to be as
> gentle as he could, to make sure that it did not hurt more than it
> needed to,

Guess the soul makes a difference there. But in fairness to Angelus, I
liked it that way. And he, with that skill at reading people's weaknesses
-- or creating them -- knew that. I don't know how I would have felt about
a first time as gentle as yours -- I do know mine wouldn't have suited
you. I don't know whether I came to crave his harshness because that was
what I needed, or only because it meant his touch. But I did come to need
it. And to miss it, when it was gone. And -- he showed me tenderness,
sometimes, in his way.

 and when all was said and done, he lay beside me and stayed the 
> rest of the night.

That -- that I would like to experience, some day. Just to hold him. Just
to hold you. Angelus wasn't much for the sappy stuff, at least with me.
Maybe a little with the girls.

> > And I've got to learn to stop offering. It's more fun if you require
> > it. 
> 
> On the topic of that - what do you desire about him now?  What are you
> hoping that he'll do, once you get here?

I'm -- not sure. I've never been with him, like that, since the soul. I
still like chains, I still like pain. I would still like for him to bite
me again. But I don't know what he'd still enjoy. I do know he won't do
anything that would upset you, which lets out a number of the old games,
I'd imagine. He's told me I need to make it up to him for questioning him,
and that how I can do that will be a surprise, which is all familiar
territory. But he also said I'd like it. Which could mean anything. 

I suppose I am hoping he will tell me how to touch you, like he used to
do. Or better yet, come and help. How would you like one cock inside you
and one in your mouth? Or the two of us each sucking on a nipple, or
cooperating on a blow job? Two mouths, neither one of which has to
breathe, can be a distinct advantage. Or you and I could serve him
together the same way. Would you kiss me around Angel's cock? For that
matter, I could be very happy just being told to watch while he fucked
you. Or being allowed to touch you, but not to come. The truth is, I could
be very happy fetching drinks and sandwiches, as long as he told me to.

--Spike

***

To: Angel
From: Spike

> > Never mind, you covered it. Oh, except one I forgot. Livin' off evil
> > doers? Any truth to that one? 

> Some. Tried it. Didn't work out.

Mind if I tell Wesley? That was somethin' he wanted to know when he came
to visit. Could've kicked myself for not remembering to ask you the one
thing he needed in the first place.

> > Bloody hell. Should have told you this a hundred years ago. Thought
> > you knew. I belong to you, Angel. Not like a lover. More like a bloody
> > umbrella. Break me, throw me away, I'm still yours. 
> 
> Why?

Because I love you, you stupid fuck. And because you made me, in every way
that matters.

> > I'll kill anyone who tries to hurt her,
> > even you. 
> 
> Good.

Just remember you said that if you turn, okay? Remember _I_ said that if
you turn.

> Hurts if you even think of killing something with a heartbeat?

Think like intent, yeah. Not sure where the line is. I can watch a horror
movie okay, but fantasizing about breaking Xander's neck when he's fucking
with me at the Bronze is a definite no-no. Dunno about when he's not
there. Haven't really cared enough to push the envelope and risk the
headache. I try never to think about Xander unless its absolutely
necessary, anyway.

> > > Gonna stay around you guys? In pain like that?  Fuck ME.  Think I
> > > don't know better?  Fucking taught *you*.
> > 
> > Now you lost me a lot. Yeah, you taught me. Pain. Torment.
> > Humiliation. Big fun. But that's strangers. Humans. Not you. Would I
> > have laughed, before I understood? Hell yes. But I would have stopped.
> > When I saw. I would have tried to help. I swear, Angel. Not that it
> > matters now. 
> 
> Taught you to have no respect for weakness. To hit it for all it's
> worth.

Yeah, you did. But I'm _not_ a quick learner. Never was as interested in
hitting weakness as I was in strength. Why'd'ya think I picked those
fights all over Europe that were making you so crazy? Why'd'ya think I
went Slayer hunting in the first place?  You liked artistry. I like a
challenge. Besides -- kinda feel bad for the weak. Poor pathetic bastards.
No glory to 'em, and not much fun -- why not leave 'em to it? Unless I'm
hungry of course. Or bored. Or they have something I want.

> > > See thing is - I'm not lonely. Got everybody I killed right there
> > > with me.  Whole 100 years.  Only company I got.
> > 
> > Any of them play poker? Seriously, Angel, are we talking ghosts or
> > just memories? 
> 
> Sometimes both.  Mostly memories.  Ghosts - just a few times.  Last was
> a couple of years ago.  When I got back from Hell.

Fuck. Never met a ghost. Must be weird. What'd they say? You'd think, if
they hung out long enough, they'd start to like you, at least a little.
You seem to grow on everyone else.

> > Still -- Angel, is it still like this, for you? All that pain? All the
> > time?
> 
> Sort of.  It hurts a lot.  Now mostly when I let it.  Always there,
> though.  But sometimes... I can look at Wes, and it's not so bad.  Can
> do something good, and it's not so bad.  Be somebody. That's nice. 
> Makes me wanna keep trying.

Anything I can do?

> > Yes, luv. I'm sorry. I'm just so fucking sorry.
> 
> Why?

See previous answer to that question, 'kay? 'Cause I really don't feel
like repeating it.

> Tempted to tell you now.  Chance you might guess it.

Might do. But I still won't know I'm right. Still... don't mean to
discourage you from telling me, by any means.

> > So far, only to him. But one day I'm gonna slip in front of the
> > sodding Scoobies and Giles is gonna have a heart attack. Might almost
> > be worth it. 
> 
> Might almost be worth it to see it when you do.

Maybe I can get Dawn to just leave her camera at the magic shop. Got a
priceless shot for Wesley already -- ask him about it.

> > Your slave, huh? And he just volunteered it? Gotta love that boy. 
> 
> Yep.  The look in his eyes, too... 

I can imagine.

> Sure?  This one might make you run for the insulin.

I'll cope.

> Been - I dunno, maybe a week or so since I came back.  Eating a pretty
> healthy amount of crow - all deserved.  Doing what I can to get back in
> the swing of things, but Wes is keeps cutting me off.  At the knees,
> practically at the balls.  He's *pissed*.  Start feeling like maybe I
> need to shoot myself in the chest everytime I want to talk to him, just
> to help jump-start the conversation.

Couldn't hurt.

> Finally can't take anymore.  He ever gonna like me again? Probably not. 
>  But I at least wanna know *why*.  The Hell did I do that's pissing him 
> off so personally?

Makes sense to me.

> And - ok - yeah - make it up to him.  If I can.  I'm dying over here. 
> It's like I came *this* close to losing everything, only I make the save
> right in the nick of time... except for him.  Get everything back except
> him.  I can't take it.  I *want* him.  I *need* Cordy (and I like
> Cordy), but I *want* him.

I get that.

> So yeah, give it a shot. Like an ass.
> 
> Bet anything he told you when I showed up.  Spent the whole night 
> brooding about it and forgot to check the clock.  Again - I'm an ass. 
> You'll like this, 'cause that's gonna be a running theme for this story.
> Not sexy, but amusing for you.

Yeah, it has its appeal. Makes up a little for the laugh-a-minute anecdote
I told you.

> So... there I am.  Making small talk.  He's looking at me like I'm the
> retarded friend he's *got* to put up with.  Ok, fine.  I'm a jerk. We
> can all agree on that.  But - the Hell?

Yes, we can. :) In fact, didn't we?

> So I ask him.  And he tells me.  And I feel like *Shit*.  Could *not*
> have been more clueless.  About everything.  Which, again, he tells me
> himself.  Christ.  I wanna pack it in right then, ya know?  The *one*
> guy who was really starting to mean something to me is the *one* guy I
> fuck it up with that bad.  *Hurt* that bad.  Kill me now.

Ouch.

> Ask forgiveness. He doesn't want it. 

Of course he fucking didn't. "I'm sorry I made you horny." "I'm sorry I
acted attracted to you." Who the fuck wants to hear that from someone they
just admitted they desperately wanted?

 Try to say something nice - 
> doesn't want to hear it.  Finally I can't fucking stand it anymore and I
> tell him I love him 'cause I can't take another second of him *not*
> knowing that, thinking I treated him the way I did.

This is pretty much where his brain exploded, the way he tells it.

> That's when I find out the feeling's mutual.

And this, I'm guessing, is where yours did. Matching aneurysms. How sweet.

> Wasn't sure about that bit.  Hell - fucking thought he was running off
> and fucking *Gunn* in his spare time (which, you know, made loosing him
> *that* much better for me - yeah, he's fucking the guy *I* introduced
> him to. Nice one, Angel.).  But no - no Gunn, just me.  And Wes has that
> look on his face again - the nice one, like when I told him to stay the
> first time.

> So I kiss him.  Nothing big.  Just enough to let him know there's 
> interest.  He wants Angel - he's got it.  
> 
> Figure maybe I crossed a line there, went to fast for him or something. 
> But no, he's right there with me, kissing me back and, you know, not
> like he's got experience at this but damn if earnest desire to please
> ain't making up for a lot.

I can imagine.

> Now I'm really starting to sweat it.  Know the soul's not in danger or
> anything, but still - came to just talk to Wes, not seduce him.  Woke
> him up in the middle of the night - maybe he's not thinking clearly.  I
> dunno.  Just get worried I'm leading him down the wrong path.  Taking
> advantage of him or something. Tell him hey - you want me to go, I'm
> outta here.  I can be a gentleman.

Insecure much? Tell you what, Xander could wake me up out of a fucking
coma at high noon, still not gonna kiss him.

> He's right up against me now, kissing me for all he's worth, and he says
> - right against my mouth now - that yeah, he's sure.  "I invite you" he
> says. "Truly."

Nice. Very.

> Ok. Turned on, but again maybe he's kidding. I joke back - you know the
> invite's for the whole place. I can go wherever I want. Even the
> bedroom.
> 
> Yeah, he says, but I'm taking so "damned long" he figured the invitation
> had been recinded.

Did I mention the boy's got balls?

> Grab him, take him back in the bedroom, put him down on the bed, get on
> top of him so he can feel every bit of my body against his and ask if
> *that's* what he had in mind?
> 
> Turns out - yeah.

Can't blame him there.

> I'm - I'm in a daze here.  He's so fucking beautiful.  He starts
> touching me, and I can hold still forever if that's what it takes. 
> Great to just watch him. See him look at me, find out I'm real, I'm not
> going anywhere.  Plus I'm just dying.  Between Buffy and Darla really
> only had four times to let off steam - and Wes is a good year's worth of
> frustration on his own.  Wanna hold back until he's ready 'cause I
> figure I won't be able to once I *stop*.

Fuck, that's hot. Guess sometimes the patience thing does have its points.

> Finally he starts getting shy.  Realizes I'm looking at him, enjoying
> the view.  Tries to move away. I pull him right back.  Figure now's the
> time to show him what he does to me.  Start kissing him, touching him,
> undressing him nice and slow - wanted this for so long, I wanna savor
> it. 
>  He's ready to explode at any second but you know me - keeping him 
> right on the edge. No problem there.

Never doubted you for an instant, luv.

> Start with the chest.  Get my hands inside the nightshirt, make him
> start to wriggle, follow up with my teeth and lips, unbuttoning as I go.
>  Tell him how much I like him - how sexy he is.  He starts moaning my
> name.  Doesn't say much else - just Angel over and over.  
> 
> I say his name back, start really working on him now - get his nipples
> and start biting and sucking.  That *really* gets his attention.  I make
> him jump just so he can jump to me - right into my arms, for more
> kissing.  Holding him tight while his heart's pounding and his cock is
> hard against me.
> 
> Oh yeah - his cock.  Free up one hand, move it down lower.  He's 
> shaking now.  Actually warns me he's too close.  Damn I love him for
> knowing stuff like that.

He's got fucking brilliant instincts for a guy whose previous major
fantasies all involved darts.

> Go to tease him. Haven't even touched his cock yet, just getting in the
> general area.  Move my hand further away so he doesn't come.  Would've
> worked, 'cept like an idiot I hit his stitches.
> 
> Wes told you he got shot in the gut, right?

What?!? No, he certainly bloody didn't. By you? 'Cause if so, we have to
have a little talk.

> He's crying out in the *wrong* kind of pain, I'm feeling a million
> fucking times an idiot *and* an asshole and *he's* gotta calm *me* down
> and let me know it's gonna be ok.  Christ.

Good to know you take turns at that.

> Works out ok though 'cause now I can tell him about the soul - it's not
> a problem, other than him don't really have perfect happiness -

So not going here again.

> He gets it, was ahead of me on that one anyway, so we're good.
> 
> 'cept...
> 
> Now *he's* pushing *me* down onto the bed, and he's right on top of me
> and my cock is *right* up against his ass and it's driving me fucking
> *nuts* 'cause he keeps *moving* and he - then - has no *idea* what it's
> doing to me so I'm going out of my mind everytime he *breathes* and to
> make it worse he's running his hands over my chest which - you know -
> feels good at the best of times,

[grin] I've always thought so. And yeah, I know what you meant, just being
a smartass as usual. 

 even nicer now that I've got - fuck if I 
> know - shitload of bruises and a broken rib or two still?  Wes wants to
> run those nice hands of his down my battered body - hell yeah. Take your
> time.

Mmmmmmm. *Nice* image.

> Only he wants to talk - asks me, hey, while we're on the subject, why
> the Hell do you *have* a shitload of bruises and a broken rib or two?
> 
> And, you know, it should be funny - like here we are, hotter than hot,
> and Wes is trying to have a conversation - except... I like it.  He's
> worried about me.  Halfway ready to kick the ass of the guy who did it. 
> I just - never had that before.  And it's him on top of it - you know
> what I mean.  So even though it should be a turn off or something, it's
> just nicer.  A lot nicer.  Like I want him even more now.

Yeah. The protective thing works both ways, huh? He got me with that -- so
wasn't expecting it. Who wants to take care of me? Wished he was here just
so I could kiss him breathless for that one. And he thought I was gonna
laugh.

> So now things get faster.  Want him naked, want him *now*.  Get rid of
> the rest of the clothes, feel that nice body of his against me, get him
> back down on the bed to *really* press my cock against him and start
> enjoying myself.

> It's his first time so I ask him - what do you want?  Pretty much ready
> to give whatever he needs.  In, he says, and he rocks his hips up
> against mine like he's *born* to do it or something - and he looks me in
> the eyes and says "I invite you."

And again, may I mention your inspired storytelling abilities?

> Oh yeah. That's real nice.

> Hundred plus years of torture come in handy as I figure out a way I can
> fuck him and *not* rip his god-damn stitches out,

Useful, that. Who knew?

 and we both say a 
> silent "thank you" to his ex-girlfriend for leaving some supplies behind
> in the nightstand.  Lube him up - enjoying a few moments there of
> getting my hands on and in his ass - then slide myself in nice and slow.
> 
> Fuck he feels good.  He's shaking a little, grabbing the sheets -
> 'course it hurts but he's trying to adjust and Hell, who knows, maybe
> the painkillers are giving us an extra bonus here as well. Doesn't seem
> to be hurting him too much.  And he's making such - nice - sounds.

Oh yeah. I can imagine. Better, I can remember.

> And he feels *so* *good*.  God, like he's *meant* to have my cock in
> there, it fits so nice.
> 
> My willpower?  Lasts about two seconds.  

Hey, two seconds more than I'd have managed.

> I start thrusting and he starts responding - not sure yet what he's
> supposed to be doing but he can figure out what feels good quick enough
> and try to match me as I go.  And *that* turns me on even more - Wes, so
> hot, so horny, so turned on he can't even use *words* anymore, he wants
> me so bad - he's whimpering, I'm dying, and finally bam!  He comes, and
> I'm a goner not long after.
> 
> It was nice. Really really nice.
> 
> Care for another?

Hell yeah. Please. More.

> > > You want me to think?
> > 
> > No, I want you to tell me that story over and over again until I
> > explode. 
> 
> 'k. He's got his hand around my cock and he's jerking me off real
> nice...

[grin] too late. Exploded already. There's that quickness problem again.

> > > So no.  Didn't want to drink from him.  That was ok.  Could do it
> > > again - will do it again.
> > 
> > Good. That's alright then. Feeling a little responsible, that's all. I
> > like the boy, you know? Wouldn't want him to court death on my say-so.
> 
> Not like I do.  
> 
> I know - you weren't saying that. Just offering my two cents.

'Course not. Figured that went without saying. Evidently not. Just --
somehow I got to be the vampire expert here. But self-control is not my
strong suit, with me bein' all chipped up. Have to guess. Don't want to
guess wrong. But don't want to guess so damned safe that you and he miss
some bloody incendiary fucks, either.

> > You tell him this yet? 
> 
> Yeah. Made sure we had a conversation on that one. 

Good.

--Spike

***

To: Spike
From: Wesley

Hello, Spike.

Tell me - do you eat?  Lunchtime here has begged the question of me.
Angel, as a rule, doesn't.  I can't help wondering if he should.

> > Wouldn't it chafe?  Don't mortals use, well, something *else* for
> > similar purposes?
> 
> Depends how its done. Cuffs, rope, leather straps, whatever you'd fancy.

Yes. That's more like what I thought.

> If it doesn't appeal, no need to push it on my account. Don't want to
> bring up any bad memories.

Difficult to say.  On the one hand there is the similarity of experience,
on the other... you're both very different people.  And strangely enough
in the equation it's once again the vampires I trust.

> But it could be rather fun for me an' Angel to tease you for, oh, an
> hour or two, or three, or four,

*Four*?

> Well, we've got me and Angel, so far. Either of us look promising? The
> former is an offer, if you're ever so inclined. The latter can only be a
> hypothetical question. 

I'm... open to the idea.  For you both.

> > Confident? Is that how I appear?  
> 
> Willing to take risks for what you want. Sure of who you are and what
> you need when your world's been turned upside down. Able to forge ahead
> when everyone that should have supported you cut you down and questioned
> you instead. Maybe I should have said courageous. Or both. 

Ah, I see.  Thank you.  Most times I feel I'm only guessing.

> > Which reminds me - have I invited you to join me in a game?
> 
> Not yet... but I'd love to. Don't suppose this telepathic kareoke joint
> has a board?

No, but I know of a few good pubs that do.  Proper British pubs, at that. 
I can take you to some of my regulars.

> > I don't know.  Get a good triple score...
> 
> [chuckle] One of life's underrated pleasures, yes. Also useful as a
> torture device, on occasion. 

True. I've found that on many an occasion myself.

> > Are you asking me what I pleasured myself with back in my university
> > days?  Or even extending the deadline a bit and bringing it up to the
> > past couple of years?
> 
> Yes. Or now, for that matter.

Now - memories.  Things Angel and I have done together. The night you and
I spent together.  That's what I think of.

> > You do this already, Spike.  You are charming, and handsome, 
> > sensual, intelligent, attractive and cocky and I *like* that.  You're
> > perfectly fine as you are.  There is no need for me to pretend - or
> > for you.  You, here.  There's not much else that's needed.
> 
> Oh -- Wesley, I don't know what to say. Except I'll be there *soon*.

I didn't mean to make you feel bad - or pressured.

> You're good for my ego, pet. Or, as Angel would no doubt say, bad for
> it. 

I'm glad.  Again oddly enough.  Sorry - old instincts still question me
sometimes.

> > He was sleeping - dreaming about Darla - and I had to wake him in
> > order that we might go save Gunn.  He did not want to wake, however,
> > nor was he fully out of the dream when he did.  Thinking - I suppose -
> > that in his dream I had attacked Darla or done something to her, he,
> > in reality, sprang from the bed, grabbed me by the throat, threw me
> > down to the floor, held me there and accused me of making her go away.
> >  
> 
> He never was an evening person, but this seems a bit much, even for him.

Darla had been drugging him, unbeknownst to all of us - Angel included. 

> > Once having done that, however, he immediately realized who I was, and
> > that he was cutting off my oxygen supply, and let go.
> 
> And you -- except for the breathing thing -- rather wished he hadn't.

Dear God, exactly.

> > Thank you. I look forward to it.  Did you tell him the source of the
> > information?
> 
> Not yet. Between being dazed by the question, the flash, and the
> implication that I might be literate, the poor man was already in full,
> spluttering retreat. But I can if you'd like. 

Oh no. I'm content to be anonymous.

> > Er - beyond that, what are you interested in?  Specific cases of
> > Slayers gone Rogue?  My guesses as to how the Council will react to
> > some of Buffy's actions?
> 
> More the first. Mostly so I can convince Buffy she isn't in any danger
> of it if she lets her hair down once in a while. 

Herein my ignorance sadly produces some obstacles.  During my 
training I was not given much information about Rogue Slayers other 
than that they were a Bad Thing Which Must Be Avoided.  I do not have,
offhand, information about specific ones.  I'll attempt to do some
research, though.

In the meanwhile, I can at least speak to the question of a Slayer letting
her hair down.

You must understand that between the Council and reality there are 
several layers... on many, many levels, now that I think of it - but
specifically I am referring to what *they* consider to be wrong versus
what probably actually turns the girl bad.

The Council, then, would consider Buffy to be on a slippery slope 
because she does not dedicate her entire life to Slaying.  She has 
friends, family, hobbies, goes to university, etc.  By the Council's way
of thinking this already has things off to a bad start.  As I've said
before - She Is A Slayer. Period.  

On the whole, however, this is considered to be a weakness of her 
character (and of Rupert's and myself for not correcting her).  It is not,
by any means, considered evil.  Instead it is considered selfish.  Her
life must be given to the task of destroying vampires.  Every moment she
is not doing this, is a moment a vampire could have been killed.  So she
is not, by the Council's terms, considered a "good" Slayer in that she
does not do her job very well.

On the contrary, I would say that she is an extraordinary Slayer, due to
the fact that she's figured out how to adapt  - sorry, let me rephrase
that - she's not being a prat who's shut herself off and has actually come
out stronger for the bargain.  The very things the Council thinks make her
weaker, actually provide strength.

What, then, brings about evil?

Evil, in the Council's point of view, is a Slayer who not only avoids
doing their job but who also gives up on it entirely.  Our example here
must be Faith.  She not only stopped Slaying but moved on to killing
people.  She used her abilities in order to bring about personal gain. 
Used her training to perform torture.  She had lost, in other words, all
claims to morality.  That is why she was classified as Rogue.

Does that begin to help any?

> The second might come in handy at some point, but most of the actions
> the Council might object to they already know about, so I'm thinking its
> not as immediate. 

Let me know.

> > > Like the way you phrased your little revelation --"Angel, it's so
> > > distracting." Frankly, I'm amazed he didn't come right then and
> > > there. I would have. 
> > 
> > Why?
> 
> Partly from knowing that you felt that way. Partly because its just so
> *you*, the way you said it. I don't know -- its my turn not to have the
> words, this time. 

At least I'm not alone in the problem.

> > I suppose I'm just protective.  Which must be laughable, to you.
> 
> I'm not laughing, pet. I'm -- moved. It's not necessary for you to
> protect me. And yeah, its probably not very practical, either. But it
> means a lot that you cared enough to want to. 

Thank you. I know how foolish I seem at times.  

> > > Oh. Yeah, that makes sense. Though as far as I can see, the main
> > > difference is we don't have to spend so much bloody time
> > > rationalizing. 
> > 
> > I think Angel considers this to be essentially restating his point.
> 
> But then, what difference does it make? If it doesn't stop you from
> actually doin' the nasty stuff? 

Therein lies Angel's problem - he thought that it did.  The last few
months have shaken him more than he cares to let on to most, I think.  

> > You see?  Then it's something within you, stronger than the chip.
> 
> Love, I think. But I can't love the whole world. I can barely tolerate
> it, most days.

No one is saying that you should.  I doubt anyone *could* do that. 

> I don't know how you an' Angel manage to care about so many strangers. 

Because they are in need of our help, and we are the only ones who 
can do it.  Because it feels good, knowing that we made a difference.

> > You learn the same way everyone else does - trial and error, combined
> > with feedback.  I offer whatever help that I may.
> 
> Thank you. I appreciate it. And if I actually do this, I'm gonna need
> all the help I can get. But -- well, not to offend you, pet, but you're
> on the Angel Gold Standard too. Seems to be the one thing everyone in my
> life can agree on. 

What's the Angel Gold Standard?

> > I've called him a prat to his face before.  And a downright stupid
> > wanker. Several occasions for that one.
> 
> *Knew* I liked you. Care to share *those* details?

I'm trying to remember.  The first night we slept together, was one. 
Called him a stupid wanker for letting himself get hurt.  The night we
needed to ride my bike and he refused to wear a helmet because it would
give him hat hair - duly noted, but I didn't care to be pulled over by the
police for violation of the laws when we were actually in a bit of a hurry
- called him a wanker and told him to just put the damned thing on.  

Many other occasions.  Mostly whenever the need arises.  He certainly
provides opportunity enough.

> > I've never seen the curse in my life so I honestly don't know.  This
> > is part of the reason why I am aching to get my hands on it.  I'm no
> > witch - I doubt I have the strength right now to cast a spell of that
> > magnitude, or even one half it's strength - but I at least have skills
> > at decoding such things.
> 
> I'll see Red tonight at the Bronze, and bring it up then. I'd like to do
> this away from Giles, if possible. 

Thank you. Please let me know how it goes.

Also - if perhaps you could not mention to anyone my difficulties with the
Council?  I know they all know I've been sacked, but I'd rather the rest
kept private.

Not that I fancy that Buffy and her friends speak of me much anyway, but
just in case.

> > He attacked her, myself and Cordy, but I 
> > suspect his drugged state slowed his reflexes more than he wanted to
> > show.  Whatever the cause, he kept his work primarily verbal, with
> > only the occasional physical blow to back it up.
> 
> Either that or he likes you.

Who? Angelus?  Why would you say that - both to the possibility and to why
this evidence would suggest it.

> > When he had turned his attentions upon Cordy, I was able to surprise
> > him and knock him into an elevator shaft where his head was struck and
> > he was rendered unconscious long enough for us all to use the
> > aforementioned chains until the drug wore off and he became himself
> > again.
> 
> You're a resourceful one, aren't you?

It's not as though we hadn't all thought of it happening one day.  We
still do.

> > The circumstances that the one time I saw him "turn" he hadn't
> > actually lost his soul.  
> 
> But he wasn't very happy, by all accounts. So the logic still holds.

Angelus seemed happy enough at the time.  Slowed, as I've said, but 
not unhappy.

> > When Angel finally returned to us, I was naturally glad to see him
> > turn away from his dark path, but at the same time I was completely...
> > I can't think of another word besides miserable.  He *hadn't* been
> > Angelus.  He'd just been an ass.  With no idea of how I'd felt, or
> > what he'd been doing to me.
> 
> He can be so *dense* sometimes. This might have been a good time for
> that hammer to the head. 

Actually at the time someone *had*, although in this case it was a 
sledgehammer and not always to his head.

> > I hadn't wanted to tell him - had been quite content, in fact, to let
> > him remain ignorant until the day I died - except that he ... He got
> > down on his knees before me, literally begged for my forgiveness then
> > said "as a friend."
> 
> I'd have paid something to see that. Angel begging. Angel on his knees.
> Didn't do *anything* for you, pet? Before the friend line dumped cold
> water all over it, I mean? 

My God, yes.  Which is why I hated him even more.  He - this was in 
my living room, which made it both real and surreal at the same time - and
laid his hands on my knees, and his voice was soft and earnest, and his
eyes did truly beg my forgiveness along with his words - the perfect
tableaux, except for the final words which came from his mouth.

In fact, when he later told me that he loved me I became quite sure he was
doing it all over again - making fun of me, only this time with far more
precise accuracy.

> > I hadn't planned on such a senario.  Angelus's cruelty, yes.  Angel's
> > actual obliviousness - not planned for, but I'd adjusted to it.  But
> > an actual declaration of love?  From him?  For me?  I wasn't sure what
> > to say, or do.  My feelings increased when he explained that, in fact,
> > he *had* been interested in me for some time and had, in fact, acted
> > on that interest in order to determine my own feelings but, having
> > done so before my own awareness of it all, thought I'd been rebuffing
> > him.
> 
> What a comedy of errors!

I felt an idiot.  Which Angel assured me was actually his role in the
entire affair, but still...

> > Naturally I wanted no such thing. I wanted him now, and gave him his
> > invitation.  He took me back into my bedroom, and did me the kindness
> > of allowing me to discover him as much as I desired, before indulging
> > himself in the same of me. 
> 
> Sounds wonderful.

It was.  He was - is - incredibly handsome.  And I liked being able to see
how real he was, that it wasn't another dream of mine.

>  He - and as I type this I cannot help but 
> > think of the contrast between our two stories - did his best to be as
> > gentle as he could, to make sure that it did not hurt more than it
> > needed to,
> 
> Guess the soul makes a difference there.

Difference of relationship and mortality too, I would expect.  A 
deflowering such as your own would have probably killed me.

>  and when all was said and done, he lay beside me and stayed the 
> > rest of the night.
> 
> That -- that I would like to experience, some day. Just to hold him.
> Just to hold you. Angelus wasn't much for the sappy stuff, at least with
> me. Maybe a little with the girls. 

Angel doesn't mind it now.  It's - it's not a constant thing.  I don't
think I would term him a "sappy" lover.  He doesn't bring over candies and
stuffed animals or such things.  But by the same token he does perform
little tasks which show that he cares.  Knowing how I like my tea, getting
things I might like at the store as long as he's there - things such as
that.

> > On the topic of that - what do you desire about him now?  What are you
> > hoping that he'll do, once you get here?
> 
> I'm -- not sure. I've never been with him, like that, since the soul. I
> still like chains, I still like pain. I would still like for him to bite
> me again. But I don't know what he'd still enjoy. I do know he won't do
> anything that would upset you, which lets out a number of the old games,
> I'd imagine. He's told me I need to make it up to him for questioning
> him, and that how I can do that will be a surprise, which is all
> familiar territory. But he also said I'd like it. Which could mean
> anything. 

I don't know anything about what he has planned, other than that he has
(repeatedly) asked me if I minded him spending time with you (no - meaning
yes, he can) both alone and perhaps with me.  Beyond that I can only tell
you that he's been thoughtful.  Inner wheels turning, that sort of thing.

> I suppose I am hoping he will tell me how to touch you, like he used to
> do.

I wouldn't mind that.

> Or better yet, come and help.

That'd be rather nice too.

> How would you like one cock inside you and one in your mouth? 

Having never had the experience before, I couldn't say.

> Two mouths, neither one of which has to breathe, can be a distinct
> advantage. 

Yes, I've been noticing the breathing - or lack therein.

Wesley

***

To: Spike
From: Angel

> > > Never mind, you covered it. Oh, except one I forgot. Livin' off evil
> > > doers? Any truth to that one? 
>  
> > Some. Tried it. Didn't work out.
> 
> Mind if I tell Wesley? That was somethin' he wanted to know when he came
> to visit. Could've kicked myself for not remembering to ask you the one
> thing he needed in the first place. 

Go 'head.  Tell him myself while I'm at it.  Didn't know he was
interested.

> > > Bloody hell. Should have told you this a hundred years ago. Thought
> > > you knew. I belong to you, Angel. Not like a lover. More like a
> > > bloody umbrella. Break me, throw me away, I'm still yours. 
> > 
> > Why?
> 
> Because I love you, you stupid fuck.

You love me like an umbrella?  

> And because you made me, in every way that matters.

You don't owe me anything. Seriously.  Fucked up your life - much as you
don't wanna hear it - 'bout as much as I fucked up my own.  Did you no
favors.

> > > I'll kill anyone who tries to hurt her,
> > > even you. 
> > 
> > Good.
> 
> Just remember you said that if you turn, okay? Remember _I_ said that if
> you turn. 

Remember? Who knows? But do it anyway.  Angelus comes back, I 
want him met with a stake to the heart. Period.

> > Hurts if you even think of killing something with a heartbeat?
> 
> Think like intent, yeah. Not sure where the line is. I can watch a
> horror movie okay, 

Yeah - but that's not you doing anything. Just pictures on a screen. 
Makes sense it wouldn't kick in.

> but fantasizing about breaking Xander's neck when
> he's fucking with me at the Bronze 

Mental image. Great. 'preciate it.  Gonna get a stiff drink now.  And
vomit.

> is a definite no-no. Dunno about
> when he's not there. Haven't really cared enough to push the envelope
> and risk the headache.

Got it.

> I try never to think about Xander unless its
> absolutely necessary, anyway. 

I was trying to do the same.

> > Taught you to have no respect for weakness. To hit it for all it's
> > worth.
> 
> Yeah, you did. But I'm _not_ a quick learner. Never was as interested in
> hitting weakness as I was in strength. 

Everybody's got weaknesses. That's the point.  Christ, I'm still having
this argument with you...

> Why'd'ya think I picked those
> fights all over Europe that were making you so crazy?

To be a pissant little jerk?

> Why'd'ya think I
> went Slayer hunting in the first place? 

Because you were offering to take yourself off my hands?

> You liked artistry. I like a
> challenge.

I like - liked - like both.

> Fuck. Never met a ghost. Must be weird. What'd they say? 

Kill yourself.  Kill Buffy.  Give up.  Monster's all that's left.

> > Sort of.  It hurts a lot.  Now mostly when I let it.  Always there,
> > though.  But sometimes... I can look at Wes, and it's not so bad.  Can
> > do something good, and it's not so bad.  Be somebody. That's nice. 
> > Makes me wanna keep trying.
> 
> Anything I can do?

Um - maybe.

> > Why?
> 
> See previous answer to that question, 'kay? 'Cause I really don't feel
> like repeating it.

Still not getting the umbrella.

> > Tempted to tell you now.  Chance you might guess it.
> 
> Might do. But I still won't know I'm right. Still... don't mean to
> discourage you from telling me, by any means. 

I'll play it by ear.

> > Bet anything he told you when I showed up.  Spent the whole night
> > brooding about it and forgot to check the clock.  Again - I'm an ass. 
> > You'll like this, 'cause that's gonna be a running theme for this
> > story. Not sexy, but amusing for you.
> 
> Yeah, it has its appeal. Makes up a little for the laugh-a-minute
> anecdote I told you. 

At least my version doesn't have Harmony.

> > Ask forgiveness. He doesn't want it. 
> 
> Of course he fucking didn't. "I'm sorry I made you horny." "I'm sorry I
> acted attracted to you." Who the fuck wants to hear that from someone
> they just admitted they desperately wanted? 

Ok, I get that - now.  Again - Angel's an ass.  Didn't know what I was
thinking at the time. 'cept I'd do anything to make him feel better.

>  Try to say something nice - 
> > doesn't want to hear it.  Finally I can't fucking stand it anymore and
> > I tell him I love him 'cause I can't take another second of him *not*
> > knowing that, thinking I treated him the way I did.
> 
> This is pretty much where his brain exploded, the way he tells it.

Really?  Sure as Hell looked at me funny.

> > That's when I find out the feeling's mutual.
> 
> And this, I'm guessing, is where yours did. Matching aneurysms. How
> sweet.

Not exploded.  Just... like I'm not sure it really happened.  'cause the
world's still there, I've still got the soul - something's gotta be wrong.
 Doesn't work that way. Wes doesn't love me back, he puts up with me and
maybe thinks I'm a close acquaintance.

> > Now I'm really starting to sweat it.  Know the soul's not in danger or
> > anything, but still - came to just talk to Wes, not seduce him.  Woke
> > him up in the middle of the night - maybe he's not thinking clearly. 
> > I dunno.  Just get worried I'm leading him down the wrong path. 
> > Taking advantage of him or something. Tell him hey - you want me to
> > go, I'm outta here.  I can be a gentleman.
> 
> Insecure much? Tell you what, Xander could wake me up out of a fucking
> coma at high noon, still not gonna kiss him. 

Yeah but you don't have a rep for losing your soul and taking over the
world everytime you get a hard-on.  Little more here than does he wanna go
to third base.

> > Ok. Turned on, but again maybe he's kidding. I joke back - you know
> > the invite's for the whole place. I can go wherever I want. Even the
> > bedroom.
> > 
> > Yeah, he says, but I'm taking so "damned long" he figured the
> > invitation had been recinded.
> 
> Did I mention the boy's got balls?

Nice ones too.

> > Plus I'm just dying.  Between Buffy and Darla really only had 
> > four times to let off steam - and Wes is a good year's worth of
> > frustration on his own.  Wanna hold back until he's ready 'cause I
> > figure I won't be able to once I *stop*.
> 
> Fuck, that's hot. Guess sometimes the patience thing does have its
> points. 

I keep telling you.

> > Oh yeah - his cock.  Free up one hand, move it down lower.  He's
> > shaking now.  Actually warns me he's too close.  Damn I love him for
> > knowing stuff like that.
> 
> He's got fucking brilliant instincts for a guy whose previous major
> fantasies all involved darts. 

Love to know how he fucked before me.  But I'm guessing Virginia isn't
gonna be up to a conversation like that over coffee.

> > Wes told you he got shot in the gut, right?
> 
> What?!? No, he certainly bloody didn't. By you? 'Cause if so, we have to
> have a little talk. 

Cute.  No, not me.  Cop.  Ask me someday how *I* fucking felt about it. 
 But yeah - he was still hurting when we got together. On the pain pills
and everything.  Even - um - using a wheelchair.  Just realized you two
had that in common.

> > He's crying out in the *wrong* kind of pain, I'm feeling a million
> > fucking times an idiot *and* an asshole and *he's* gotta calm *me*
> > down and let me know it's gonna be ok.  Christ.
> 
> Good to know you take turns at that.

He stands up to me. Which is good.  Part of why I hired him.  

> > know - shitload of bruises and a broken rib or two still?  Wes wants
> > to run those nice hands of his down my battered body - hell yeah. Take
> > your time.
> 
> Mmmmmmm. *Nice* image.

I know.  Too bad we didn't have the patience for some real pampering. Been
nice to see how Wes would've done that. Damn vampire healing.

> Yeah. The protective thing works both ways, huh? He got me with that --
> so wasn't expecting it. Who wants to take care of me? Wished he was here
> just so I could kiss him breathless for that one. And he thought I was
> gonna laugh. 

Exactly.  

> And again, may I mention your inspired storytelling abilities?

Ta.

> > Hundred plus years of torture come in handy as I figure out a way I
> > can fuck him and *not* rip his god-damn stitches out,
> 
> Useful, that. Who knew?

Um - me.  You know how long I liked 'em alive.

> > My willpower?  Lasts about two seconds.  
> 
> Hey, two seconds more than I'd have managed.

Age has its perks.

> > Care for another?
> 
> Hell yeah. Please. More.

Any requests or should I pick one out of a hat?

A.

***

To: Wesley
From: Spike

> Hello, Spike.
> 
> Tell me - do you eat?  Lunchtime here has begged the question of me.
> Angel, as a rule, doesn't.  I can't help wondering if he should.

Yeah, when the mood strikes and someone else is payin'. Not on what you
might call a regular basis. The Bronze used to have a bloody brilliant
flowering onion thing before they gutted the place and went all yuppie
crap. Bleedin' cilantro tastes like soap. Anyway, buffalo wings. Stuff
like that. Spicy is better. And sometimes I'll add something to the blood,
give it a bit of texture. Nearly put Giles off the weetabix for life,
which added a little spice in itself. Don't suppose Angel needs to, unless
he fancies it, but it might break up the monotony a bit.

> > If it doesn't appeal, no need to push it on my account. Don't want to
> > bring up any bad memories.
> 
> Difficult to say.  On the one hand there is the similarity of
> experience, on the other... you're both very different people.  And
> strangely enough in the equation it's once again the vampires I trust.

Who did this to you the bad way, pet? And where do they live?

> > But it could be rather fun for me an' Angel to tease you for, oh, an
> > hour or two, or three, or four,
> 
> *Four*?

Up to Angel, naturally. And to you. But we have a lot of endurance, when
we need it.

> > Well, we've got me and Angel, so far. Either of us look promising? The
> > former is an offer, if you're ever so inclined. The latter can only be
> > a hypothetical question. 
> 
> I'm... open to the idea.  For you both.

Good to know.

> > > Confident? Is that how I appear?  
> > 
> > Willing to take risks for what you want. Sure of who you are and what
> > you need when your world's been turned upside down. Able to forge
> > ahead when everyone that should have supported you cut you down and
> > questioned you instead. Maybe I should have said courageous. Or both. 
> 
> Ah, I see.  Thank you.  Most times I feel I'm only guessing.

You guess pretty damned well, then.

> No, but I know of a few good pubs that do.  Proper British pubs, at
> that.  I can take you to some of my regulars.

In LA? Wonders never cease. I'll look forward to it.

> Now - memories.  Things Angel and I have done together. The night you
> and I spent together.  That's what I think of.

Glad to be a pleasant memory, then. I'll try to provide more of them.

> > > You do this already, Spike.  You are charming, and handsome, 
> > > sensual, intelligent, attractive and cocky and I *like* that. 
> > > You're perfectly fine as you are.  There is no need for me to
> > > pretend - or for you.  You, here.  There's not much else that's
> > > needed.
> > 
> > Oh -- Wesley, I don't know what to say. Except I'll be there *soon*.
> 
> I didn't mean to make you feel bad - or pressured.

Trust me, you didn't. Too good for many words, rather.

> > You're good for my ego, pet. Or, as Angel would no doubt say, bad for
> > it. 
> 
> I'm glad.  Again oddly enough.  Sorry - old instincts still question me
> sometimes.

Still no reason to be sorry. If I'm not in the same boat, its only 'cause
my instincts have been screamin' so hard about the rest of my ridiculous
life that I've learned to tune them out.

> Darla had been drugging him, unbeknownst to all of us - Angel included. 

That makes a bit more sense. Except for the part where Darla got into his
place without him noticing. She had a lot of skills, but lock picking was
never one of them when I knew her.

> > And you -- except for the breathing thing -- rather wished he hadn't.
> 
> Dear God, exactly.

I can imagine. Especially if he still sleeps naked.

> Oh no. I'm content to be anonymous.

Fair enough then. Better that way for me, I can spring more tidbits on him
unawares. Any embarassing bits of Giles' past I should know about?

> You must understand that between the Council and reality there are
> several layers... on many, many levels, now that I think of it - but
> specifically I am referring to what *they* consider to be wrong versus
> what probably actually turns the girl bad.

Fair enough.

> The Council, then, would consider Buffy to be on a slippery slope 
> because she does not dedicate her entire life to Slaying.  She has
> friends, family, hobbies, goes to university, etc.  By the Council's way
> of thinking this already has things off to a bad start.  As I've said
> before - She Is A Slayer. Period.  
> 
> On the whole, however, this is considered to be a weakness of her 
> character (and of Rupert's and myself for not correcting her).  It is
> not, by any means, considered evil.  Instead it is considered selfish. 
> Her life must be given to the task of destroying vampires.  Every moment
> she is not doing this, is a moment a vampire could have been killed.  So
> she is not, by the Council's terms, considered a "good" Slayer in that
> she does not do her job very well.

> On the contrary, I would say that she is an extraordinary Slayer, due to
> the fact that she's figured out how to adapt  - sorry, let me rephrase
> that - she's not being a prat who's shut herself off and has actually
> come out stronger for the bargain.  The very things the Council thinks
> make her weaker, actually provide strength.

I agree completely. More to the point, so does she. 

> What, then, brings about evil?
> 
> Evil, in the Council's point of view, is a Slayer who not only avoids
> doing their job but who also gives up on it entirely.  Our example here
> must be Faith.  She not only stopped Slaying but moved on to killing
> people.  She used her abilities in order to bring about personal gain. 
> Used her training to perform torture.  She had lost, in other words, all
> claims to morality.  That is why she was classified as Rogue.

This is more the part I'm concerned about. Not that Buffy is ever likely
to give up on her job. Just that I'm tryin' to convince her that a certain
joy of battle doesn't set her on the road to misuse of her powers.

> At least I'm not alone in the problem.

Not at all. Right here with you, all the way.

> > > I suppose I'm just protective.  Which must be laughable, to you.
> > 
> > I'm not laughing, pet. I'm -- moved. It's not necessary for you to
> > protect me. And yeah, its probably not very practical, either. But it
> > means a lot that you cared enough to want to. 
> 
> Thank you. I know how foolish I seem at times.  

You don't. Why would you? Besides, if you want to talk foolish... even
setting aside most of my behavior towards Buffy this year, which veered
between idiocy and, well, idiocy, ask me what I was like as a mortal some
time. Hell, ask Angel what I was like as a young vamp. You'll never feel
foolish again.

> > But then, what difference does it make? If it doesn't stop you from
> > actually doin' the nasty stuff? 
> 
> Therein lies Angel's problem - he thought that it did.  The last few
> months have shaken him more than he cares to let on to most, I think.  

I was gettin' that impression. But -- honestly, and not meanin' at all to
belittle the ways he hurt you -- what did Angel do that was so evil,
besides fire his friends? That's a hell of a fuck up, but its hardly
Angelus class. He gave me a list of some pretty impressive sins, but they
were mighty unspecific.

> No one is saying that you should.  I doubt anyone *could* do that. 

No, I figured they didn't. But -- this moral thing, the one I don't have,
that's what fills that gap, right? Between the love or liking I feel for a
privileged few, and the not giving a shit I feel for pretty much everyone
else?

> > I don't know how you an' Angel manage to care about so many strangers.
> > 
> 
> Because they are in need of our help, and we are the only ones who can
> do it.  Because it feels good, knowing that we made a difference.

Um. Okay. Not getting this one yet. But give me time. Buffy keeps trying
to explain it to me too. Sooner or later one of you will get through.

> > Thank you. I appreciate it. And if I actually do this, I'm gonna need
> > all the help I can get. But -- well, not to offend you, pet, but
> > you're on the Angel Gold Standard too. Seems to be the one thing
> > everyone in my life can agree on. 
> 
> What's the Angel Gold Standard?

Er. You're one if the people who believe Angel is the best thing that ever
happened to the planet, give or take fire and sliced bread. So I'm not
sure how different your advice on bein' good would be from bein' like
Angel.

> I'm trying to remember.  The first night we slept together, was one. 
> Called him a stupid wanker for letting himself get hurt.  The night we
> needed to ride my bike and he refused to wear a helmet because it would
> give him hat hair - duly noted, but I didn't care to be pulled over by
> the police for violation of the laws when we were actually in a bit of a
> hurry - called him a wanker and told him to just put the damned thing
> on.  

[grin] Hat hair. Can I pretty please tell him I know about that one? The
relationship between that man and his gel is illegal in most southern
states.

> Many other occasions.  Mostly whenever the need arises.  He certainly
> provides opportunity enough.

That I can believe.

> > > I've never seen the curse in my life so I honestly don't know.  This
> > > is part of the reason why I am aching to get my hands on it.  I'm no
> > > witch - I doubt I have the strength right now to cast a spell of
> > > that magnitude, or even one half it's strength - but I at least have
> > > skills at decoding such things.
> > 
> > I'll see Red tonight at the Bronze, and bring it up then. I'd like to
> > do this away from Giles, if possible. 
> 
> Thank you. Please let me know how it goes.

Not a problem. She's printing me out a copy of the curse she used tonight,
and will give it to me tomorrow. And she says its the same one for both of
us. One snag, though, its in Old Roumanian.

> Also - if perhaps you could not mention to anyone my difficulties with
> the Council?  I know they all know I've been sacked, but I'd rather the
> rest kept private.

Frankly, pet, I've not mentioned this whole correspondence to anyone in
Sunnydale just yet. Still a bit of a sensitive subject with Buffy, and the
rest of gang aren't exactly falling all over themselves to talk to me. We
may need to bring the witches into the loop for whatever curse stuff you
need, but I'll certainly keep the details of the Watchers' behavior to
myself, unless we've reason to believe they'll threaten Buffy -- and so
far, we don't.

> Not that I fancy that Buffy and her friends speak of me much anyway, but
> just in case.

Once or twice, after The Talk in England. But in general, no.

> > > He attacked her, myself and Cordy, but I 
> > > suspect his drugged state slowed his reflexes more than he wanted to
> > > show.  Whatever the cause, he kept his work primarily verbal, with
> > > only the occasional physical blow to back it up.
> > 
> > Either that or he likes you.
> 
> Who? Angelus?  Why would you say that - both to the possibility and to
> why this evidence would suggest it.

First, because even a slowed Angelus is still pretty damned quick. Not
saying you couldn't have fought him off, but I doubt any drug that left
him conscious enough to talk could have slowed him significantly. Second,
because that's how he treats people he likes. Or, well, people he
tolerates. Me, in the old days. 

> > You're a resourceful one, aren't you?
> 
> It's not as though we hadn't all thought of it happening one day.  We
> still do.

I know. But some people would let that paralyze them. You didn't.

> > > The circumstances that the one time I saw him "turn" he hadn't
> > > actually lost his soul.  
> > 
> > But he wasn't very happy, by all accounts. So the logic still holds.
> 
> Angelus seemed happy enough at the time.  Slowed, as I've said, but not
> unhappy.

Sorry. Confused there. Thought you were referring to his recent bout of
badness. Got it now.

> Actually at the time someone *had*, although in this case it was a
> sledgehammer and not always to his head.

Anyone I know? Should I be sending *him* a bottle of Scotch?

> > I'd have paid something to see that. Angel begging. Angel on his
> > knees. Didn't do *anything* for you, pet? Before the friend line
> > dumped cold water all over it, I mean? 
> 
> My God, yes.  Which is why I hated him even more.  He - this was in my
> living room, which made it both real and surreal at the same time - and
> laid his hands on my knees, and his voice was soft and earnest, and his
> eyes did truly beg my forgiveness along with his words - the perfect
> tableaux, except for the final words which came from his mouth.

I can see that. Pet, when you say you don't have the words to give sexual
details -- you needn't, ever, if you'd rather not. But you have just
proved, above, that you do know how to translate your observer's eye. It's
not so different.

> In fact, when he later told me that he loved me I became quite sure he
> was doing it all over again - making fun of me, only this time with far
> more precise accuracy.

One thing he'd be unlikely to do, for future reference. Not that there's
much he'd stop at -- just that he is astute enough to know he's unlikely
to make it convincing.

> I felt an idiot.  Which Angel assured me was actually his role in the
> entire affair, but still...

Having heard something of this from him as well, I'm entirely on his side
of the question. He's an idiot. And, pet, what's all this about a gunshot
wound?

> It was.  He was - is - incredibly handsome.  And I liked being able to
> see how real he was, that it wasn't another dream of mine.

That's -- poignant, pet. I hope he proved his reality to your
satisfaction.

> >  He - and as I type this I cannot help but 
> > > think of the contrast between our two stories - did his best to be
> > > as gentle as he could, to make sure that it did not hurt more than
> > > it needed to,
> > 
> > Guess the soul makes a difference there.
> 
> Difference of relationship and mortality too, I would expect.  A 
> deflowering such as your own would have probably killed me.

There is that.

> >  and when all was said and done, he lay beside me and stayed the 
> > > rest of the night.

> > That -- that I would like to experience, some day. Just to hold him.
> > Just to hold you. Angelus wasn't much for the sappy stuff, at least
> > with me. Maybe a little with the girls. 

> Angel doesn't mind it now.  It's - it's not a constant thing.  I don't
> think I would term him a "sappy" lover.  He doesn't bring over candies
> and stuffed animals or such things.  But by the same token he does
> perform little tasks which show that he cares.  Knowing how I like my
> tea, getting things I might like at the store as long as he's there -
> things such as that.

Didn't mean sappy in a bad way. Just quoting him from the old days. I
think its great that he finds all those little ways to show he cares about
you -- and great that you notice.

> I don't know anything about what he has planned, other than that he has
> (repeatedly) asked me if I minded him spending time with you (no -
> meaning yes, he can) both alone and perhaps with me.  Beyond that I can
> only tell you that he's been thoughtful.  Inner wheels turning, that
> sort of thing.

Much as I'm looking forward to seeing Angel and whatever he has in mind, I
was hoping to spend some time with you alone as well. Would that be
alright with you, Angel permitting?

> > I suppose I am hoping he will tell me how to touch you, like he used
> > to do.
> 
> I wouldn't mind that.

I'm glad.

> > Or better yet, come and help.

> That'd be rather nice too.

I have a vision of the two of us curled up around you in bed, purring.
Hope Angel has a big one.

> > How would you like one cock inside you and one in your mouth? 
> 
> Having never had the experience before, I couldn't say.

How... cautious of you. Any objections to trying it out?

> > Two mouths, neither one of which has to breathe, can be a distinct
> > advantage. 
> 
> Yes, I've been noticing the breathing - or lack therein.

It has its moments. Though I like hearing yours when you're aroused.

--Spike

***

To: Spike
From: Wesley

> Yeah, when the mood strikes and someone else is payin'. Not on what you
> might call a regular basis. The Bronze used to have a bloody brilliant
> flowering onion thing before they gutted the place and went all yuppie
> crap. Bleedin' cilantro tastes like soap. 

You wouldn't care for Los Angeles cuisine either, I don't think.

> Don't suppose Angel needs to, unless he fancies it, but it might break
> up the monotony a bit. 

I see. Thank you.

> Who did this to you the bad way, pet? And where do they live?

Er - Faith, for a start.  When she came to Los Angeles.

> > *Four*?
> 
> Up to Angel, naturally. And to you. But we have a lot of endurance, when
> we need it.

*Four*?

> > No, but I know of a few good pubs that do.  Proper British pubs, at
> > that.  I can take you to some of my regulars.
> 
> In LA? Wonders never cease. I'll look forward to it.

They're quite acceptable.

> > Darla had been drugging him, unbeknownst to all of us - Angel
> > included. 
> 
> That makes a bit more sense. Except for the part where Darla got into
> his place without him noticing. She had a lot of skills, but lock
> picking was never one of them when I knew her. 

To be honest the hotel isn't exactly the most secure of locations.  None
of us are really certain why Angel feels as strongly about staying in it
as he does.  The top two floors are abandoned and should be condemned -
and thus provide ample openings for any who'd care to creep in.  For that
matter the front door never locks properly.

> > > And you -- except for the breathing thing -- rather wished he
> > > hadn't.
> > 
> > Dear God, exactly.
> 
> I can imagine. Especially if he still sleeps naked.

Er - yes. He does.  Did, as well.

> > Oh no. I'm content to be anonymous.
> 
> Fair enough then. Better that way for me, I can spring more tidbits on
> him unawares. Any embarassing bits of Giles' past I should know about? 

I'll have to think about it.  I don't know too much, he and I not being of
an age.

> This is more the part I'm concerned about. Not that Buffy is ever
> likely to give up on her job. Just that I'm tryin' to convince her that
> a certain joy of battle doesn't set her on the road to misuse of her
> powers. 

Well frankly a joy of battle is what she's *supposed* to be having.  But
therein lies a problem, and I suspect not the one you've both been
anticipating.  I know of Slayers who were the Council's "ideal".  They
were girls who had completely given themselves over to the task.  Vampire
killing machines.  

> > Thank you. I know how foolish I seem at times.  
> 
> You don't. Why would you? Besides, if you want to talk foolish... even
> setting aside most of my behavior towards Buffy this year, which veered
> between idiocy and, well, idiocy, ask me what I was like as a mortal
> some time. Hell, ask Angel what I was like as a young vamp. You'll never
> feel foolish again. 

Do you wish me to, or would you rather tell me yourself, or that I never
find out?

> I was gettin' that impression. But -- honestly, and not meanin' at all
> to belittle the ways he hurt you -- what did Angel do that was so evil,
> besides fire his friends? That's a hell of a fuck up, but its hardly
> Angelus class. He gave me a list of some pretty impressive sins, but
> they were mighty unspecific. 

He turned his back on Cordy's visions for the sake of protecting Darla. He
lied on numerous occasions to help Darla's cause at the expense of
everything else.  He abandoned people he was supposed to be helping - to
their face, abandoned them - again for Darla.

He became obsessed with hurting Wolfram and Hart.  He allowed Darla 
and Drusilla to kill large numbers of humans - and in fact facilitated the
process. He cut a swath of death amongst many of the demons in Los Angeles
- not all of whom were evil.  He tortured an associate of the business. 
He threatened Cordy's life.  He once again developed a taste for torture
and killing and the art therein...

That sounding more like him?

> > No one is saying that you should.  I doubt anyone *could* do that. 
> 
> No, I figured they didn't. But -- this moral thing, the one I don't
> have, that's what fills that gap, right? Between the love or liking I
> feel for a privileged few, and the not giving a shit I feel for pretty
> much everyone else? 

I suppose it could, but it doesn't have to.

> > Because they are in need of our help, and we are the only ones who can
> > do it.  Because it feels good, knowing that we made a difference.
> 
> Um. Okay. Not getting this one yet. 

I imagined not.  All clicks and buzzes on your end?

> But give me time. Buffy keeps trying to explain it to me too. Sooner or
> later one of you will get through. 

Perhaps if you try it yourself?

> > What's the Angel Gold Standard?
> 
> Er. You're one if the people who believe Angel is the best thing that
> ever happened to the planet, give or take fire and sliced bread. So I'm
> not sure how different your advice on bein' good would be from bein'
> like Angel. 

On the one hand, true, but on the other... I'm one of the few who doesn't
forget Angel's nastier side.  And he has different issues than you to deal
with.  I do know that.

> [grin] Hat hair. Can I pretty please tell him I know about that one? The
> relationship between that man and his gel is illegal in most southern
> states. 

I'll do you one better - the helmet was pink.  I made him wear it. 
(You'll recall I said something about retribution for attacking me?)

> Not a problem. She's printing me out a copy of the curse she used
> tonight, and will give it to me tomorrow. And she says its the same one
> for both of us. One snag, though, its in Old Roumanian. 

Why is that a problem?

> Frankly, pet, I've not mentioned this whole correspondence to anyone in
> Sunnydale just yet.

Angel and I haven't been mentioning it to Gunn or Cordelia either.

> We may need to bring the witches into the loop for whatever curse
> stuff you need,

Willow may not feel particularly inclined to assist me.  Naturally I
welcome any help that I can, but be aware that it might be an issue.

> but I'll certainly keep the details of the Watchers'
> behavior to myself, unless we've reason to believe they'll threaten
> Buffy -- and so far, we don't. 

Thank you.

> > Who? Angelus?  Why would you say that - both to the possibility and to
> > why this evidence would suggest it.
> 
> First, because even a slowed Angelus is still pretty damned quick. Not
> saying you couldn't have fought him off, but I doubt any drug that left
> him conscious enough to talk could have slowed him significantly.

He could speak. His words weren't even slurred.  Just his movements 
seemed clumsier than you would have expected of him.

> Second, because that's how he treats people he likes. Or, well, people
> he tolerates. Me, in the old days. 

Er - this has become rather interesting.  But wait - didn't he care for
Buffy?  Angelus, I - well I was about to say "I mean" but I suppose we
don't know.  We know *Angel* liked Buffy, yes?  You were there when Angel
turned - would you have said Angelus liked her as well?

> > It's not as though we hadn't all thought of it happening one day.  We
> > still do.
> 
> I know. But some people would let that paralyze them. You didn't.

I suppose I've gotten used to such things.  Danger in general, I mean.

> > Actually at the time someone *had*, although in this case it was a
> > sledgehammer and not always to his head.
> 
> Anyone I know? Should I be sending *him* a bottle of Scotch?

No.  And no.  It was Lindsey, one of Wolfram & Hart's lawyers.  He ran
Angel over with a truck - I believe it was four times - then hit him with
a sledgehammer about seven.  Took Angel over a week to heal.

> I can see that. Pet, when you say you don't have the words to give
> sexual details -- you needn't, ever, if you'd rather not. But you have
> just proved, above, that you do know how to translate your observer's
> eye. It's not so different. 

Oh.  Thank you.

> Having heard something of this from him as well, I'm entirely on his
> side of the question. He's an idiot. 

And a wanker.  And a *git*.

> And, pet, what's all this about a gunshot wound?

It's much better now.  We - Angel Investigations, sans Angel - were 
attempting to help a friend of Gunn's who claimed that someone was 
harassing children on the street - *of* the street, rather.  Homeless. 
They thought it was the police bringing about unnecessarily and uncalled
for physical violence, and Gunn got it into his head to go out and try to
draw some of the violence onto himself while a friend videotaped the
entire thing.

Realizing how foolish this was, Cordy and I attempted to track him 
down.  We split up, with Cordy staying at the shelter with Gunn's friend,
while I found him really in the nick of time.  One of the officers had
begun to menace Gunn and his friends.  I tried to draw the man's
attention, and he turned and fired upon me instead.

After which I'm afraid I don't remember very much.  I do know that I lost
a great deal of blood, and that it was hours until they were able to get
me to hospital.

> That's -- poignant, pet. I hope he proved his reality to your
> satisfaction.

Poignant?  And yes, he did.

> Didn't mean sappy in a bad way. Just quoting him from the old days. I
> think its great that he finds all those little ways to show he cares
> about you -- and great that you notice. 

It's hard not to. He's a good one for noticing.  He picks up on the 
strangest details - things you would think no one would have cared 
about.  Makes up for all the time I thought he was ignoring me.  Not on
purpose, I mean - he does this naturally.  I only mean to say it gives a
nice balance.

> Much as I'm looking forward to seeing Angel and whatever he has in
> mind, I was hoping to spend some time with you alone as well. Would that
> be alright with you, Angel permitting? 

Of course.

> I have a vision of the two of us curled up around you in bed, purring. 

I wasn't aware vampires did that.

> Hope Angel has a big one.

*cough*

Wesley

***

To: Angel
From: Spike

> Go 'head.  Tell him myself while I'm at it.  Didn't know he was
> interested.

Again -- if it's got your name in it, he's interested, pretty much across
the board.

> > > > Bloody hell. Should have told you this a hundred years ago.
> > > > Thought you knew. I belong to you, Angel. Not like a lover. More
> > > > like a bloody umbrella. Break me, throw me away, I'm still yours. 
> > > 
> > > Why?
> > 
> > Because I love you, you stupid fuck.
> 
> You love me like an umbrella?  

Stupid doesn't begin to describe it. Yes, Angel, I love you like an
umbrella. You know how fond I am of umbrellas, especially the kind with
the little button that makes them fold out.

Let me try this again. Slowly. I love you, Angel. Like a father. Like a
sire. Like a master. Like an *owner*. Hence the umbrella thing, which
believe me I am beginning to regret I ever mentioned. Point being,
although why I am telling you this I will never know, that I belong to you
regardless of how you treat me, or how I might feel about it. And that
being the case, would you please, oh, *bear it the fuck in mind* the next
time you need something. Because I will be no less yours sitting around
doing nothing. So you might as well get something out of it and let me
feel at least vaguely useful. Clearer now?

> > And because you made me, in every way that matters.

> You don't owe me anything. Seriously.  Fucked up your life - much as you
> don't wanna hear it - 'bout as much as I fucked up my own.  Did you no
> favors.

Bloody hell. Two things, here, and I will try to keep them metaphor-free.
First, I realize you hate your life, and I do admit I'm starting to see
why. But I don't hate mine, even with the chip. I knew you. I knew Dru. I
have seen every great capital of Europe and America and most of Asia too.
I have heard the Violent Femmes live. I am still here, smoking a cigarette
and using a bloody computer, when the year I was born in didn't even have
electricity -- and now I have it in my head. Ain't science wonderful? I
have been fucking and drinking and dancing and yeah, raising hell for at
least 50 years after I'd have been dead and buried, probably after a life
so full of petty fears and humiliations that it might as well not have
existed. I know Wesley. I KNOW BUFFY, Angel. For that alone, it was all
worth it. And Angel, that last bit -- I thought that even when I had the
curse. You made that possible. For that I'll owe you forever.

Second, though -- even if you were right, what difference does that make
now? This isn't about owing a debt. You meant the world to me. You showed
the world to me. Hell, you *were* the world to me. I know I've been
learning a lot of new tricks lately, but some things it is far too late to
change. 

> Remember? Who knows? But do it anyway.  Angelus comes back, I 
> want him met with a stake to the heart. Period.

Not promising that. Angelus comes back to hurt Buffy or anyone she cares
about, he gets a stake through the heart. Angelus comes back to hurt
Wesley, I'm leanin' in that direction -- but I suppose Wesley gets a say.
Angelus comes back with enough sense to leave the two of them alone ...
then we're cool. 

> > but fantasizing about breaking Xander's neck when
> > he's fucking with me at the Bronze 
> 
> Mental image. Great. 'preciate it.  Gonna get a stiff drink now.  And
> vomit.

What the fuck? Oh. Very funny. Like I'd let Xander near me if I had to
commit hari-kari on a pencil to prevent it. Takin' the piss out of me,
then.

> > > Taught you to have no respect for weakness. To hit it for all it's
> > > worth.
> > 
> > Yeah, you did. But I'm _not_ a quick learner. Never was as interested
> > in hitting weakness as I was in strength. 
> 
> Everybody's got weaknesses. That's the point.  Christ, I'm still having
> this argument with you...

Some things never change. Yeah, everybody's got weaknesses. The point is,
do you play on them, or do you fight them strength to strength?

> > Why'd'ya think I picked those
> > fights all over Europe that were making you so crazy?
> 
> To be a pissant little jerk?

That too.

> > Why'd'ya think I
> > went Slayer hunting in the first place? 
> 
> Because you were offering to take yourself off my hands?

Yeah, that must have been it. Fuck knows I couldn't have gotten bored
watching you and Darla making pretty little tableaus out of the
unresisting masses.

> > You liked artistry. I like a
> > challenge.
> 
> I like - liked - like both.

I know. For that matter, I've come to appreciate the artistic approach on
occasion. But we've got our priorities flipped.

> > Fuck. Never met a ghost. Must be weird. What'd they say? 
> 
> Kill yourself.  Kill Buffy.  Give up.  Monster's all that's left.

Shit, luv. That's not true. That was *never* true, even in the worst of
the old days. You were always good to Darla. You always loved art. There
was always *something* besides the monster.

> > > Sort of.  It hurts a lot.  Now mostly when I let it.  Always there,
> > > though.  But sometimes... I can look at Wes, and it's not so bad. 
> > > Can do something good, and it's not so bad.  Be somebody. That's
> > > nice.  Makes me wanna keep trying.
> > 
> > Anything I can do?
> 
> Um - maybe.

Like? Angel. Please. I want to help. This is not some kind of elaborate
scheme to play on your weaknesses. For one thing, I don't have the
patience. Or the brains. And I've been drawing you a bloody map to my weak
spots since we started this happy little correspondence. If there's
something I can do, for fuck's sake tell me what it is.

> > Yeah, it has its appeal. Makes up a little for the laugh-a-minute
> > anecdote I told you. 
> 
> At least my version doesn't have Harmony.

Always a plus.

> Ok, I get that - now.  Again - Angel's an ass.  Didn't know what I was
> thinking at the time. 'cept I'd do anything to make him feel better.

Yeah. 10 out of 10 for good intentions. Negative two for phrasing. I've
heard worse. I've done worse.

> > This is pretty much where his brain exploded, the way he tells it.
> 
> Really?  Sure as Hell looked at me funny.

Not what he was expecting, to say the least.

> Not exploded.  Just... like I'm not sure it really happened.  'cause the
> world's still there, I've still got the soul - something's gotta be
> wrong.  Doesn't work that way. Wes doesn't love me back, he puts up with
> me and maybe thinks I'm a close acquaintance.

Tell me you're over this by now. I have to ask, because I've started to
realize just how bad you can be at recognizing this shit. And if that boy
loved you any more it would be dripping from him like sweat.

> > > Now I'm really starting to sweat it.  Know the soul's not in danger
> > > or anything, but still - came to just talk to Wes, not seduce him. 
> > > Woke him up in the middle of the night - maybe he's not thinking
> > > clearly.  I dunno.  Just get worried I'm leading him down the wrong
> > > path.  Taking advantage of him or something. Tell him hey - you want
> > > me to go, I'm outta here.  I can be a gentleman.
> > 
> > Insecure much? Tell you what, Xander could wake me up out of a fucking
> > coma at high noon, still not gonna kiss him. 
> 
> Yeah but you don't have a rep for losing your soul and taking over the
> world everytime you get a hard-on.  Little more here than does he wanna
> go to third base.

This is true. Soul is iffy at best, and I like the world as it is. But
Wesley, sleepy or not, has gotta have considered this stuff. I mean, he
knew about Darla, right?

> > > Yeah, he says, but I'm taking so "damned long" he figured the
> > > invitation had been recinded.
> > 
> > Did I mention the boy's got balls?
> 
> Nice ones too.

Definitely. Sorry, got distracted there. You were saying?

> > > Plus I'm just dying.  Between Buffy and Darla really only had 
> > > four times to let off steam - and Wes is a good year's worth of
> > > frustration on his own.  Wanna hold back until he's ready 'cause I
> > > figure I won't be able to once I *stop*.
> > 
> > Fuck, that's hot. Guess sometimes the patience thing does have its
> > points. 
> 
> I keep telling you.

Yes, you do. And *keep* telling me. And *keep* telling me. And you're not
dead yet, so obviously I'm getting more patient all the time.

> Love to know how he fucked before me.  But I'm guessing Virginia isn't
> gonna be up to a conversation like that over coffee.

Virginia? Old girlfriend? Buy her a drink or two, you might be surprised.
Don't know her, of course, but women tend to compare notes.

> > > Wes told you he got shot in the gut, right?
> > 
> > What?!? No, he certainly bloody didn't. By you? 'Cause if so, we have
> > to have a little talk. 
> 
> Cute.  No, not me.  Cop.  Ask me someday how *I* fucking felt about it.

Wasn't joking, Angel. You hurt him bad. You tell me you went bad. I don't
know where the line is till you tell me. How *did* you feel about it?

>  But yeah - he was still hurting when we got together. On the pain pills
>  
> and everything.  Even - um - using a wheelchair.  Just realized you two
> had that in common.

Somethin' else for us to compare notes on. Guessin' your style of nursing
has improved a bit?

> He stands up to me. Which is good.  Part of why I hired him.  

Good. Someone should.

> I know.  Too bad we didn't have the patience for some real pampering.
> Been nice to see how Wes would've done that. Damn vampire healing.

And there's a sentence I never expected to hear.

> > > Hundred plus years of torture come in handy as I figure out a way I
> > > can fuck him and *not* rip his god-damn stitches out,
> > 
> > Useful, that. Who knew?
> 
> Um - me.  You know how long I liked 'em alive.

True. Ever come in handy for less personal stuff? Information gathering,
that kind of thing?

> > > Care for another?
> > 
> > Hell yeah. Please. More.
> 
> Any requests or should I pick one out of a hat?

Dealer's choice.

--Spike

***

To: Spike
From: Angel

> Stupid doesn't begin to describe it. Yes, Angel, I love you like an
> umbrella.

You talk weird all the time. I'm supposed to know where the line is? Half
the time you make this shit up anyway.  The words, I mean. Not the
emotions.  Love Like An Umbrella - new album by the Violent Femmes for all
I know.

> You know how fond I am of umbrellas, especially the kind with
> the little button that makes them fold out. 

They do that now?

> Let me try this again. Slowly. I love you, Angel. Like a father. Like a
> sire. Like a master. Like an *owner*. 

Why?

> Hence the umbrella thing, which
> believe me I am beginning to regret I ever mentioned. Point being,
> although why I am telling you this I will never know, that I belong to
> you regardless of how you treat me, or how I might feel about it. 

Why? I treated you like shit.  

> And
> that being the case, would you please, oh, *bear it the fuck in mind*
> the next time you need something. Because I will be no less yours
> sitting around doing nothing. So you might as well get something out of
> it and let me feel at least vaguely useful. Clearer now? 

No.  I don't get this. You don't even *like* me.  You *shouldn't* like me.
 Why do you want to help me?

> Second, though -- even if you were right, what difference does that make
> now? This isn't about owing a debt. You meant the world to me. You
> showed the world to me. Hell, you *were* the world to me. I know I've
> been learning a lot of new tricks lately, but some things it is far too
> late to change. 

I've changed.  You love that?

> Not promising that. Angelus comes back to hurt Buffy or anyone she
> cares about, he gets a stake through the heart. Angelus comes back to
> hurt Wesley, I'm leanin' in that direction -- but I suppose Wesley gets
> a say. Angelus comes back with enough sense to leave the two of them
> alone ... then we're cool. 

No. Dead.  If you won't do it, I'll find somebody else.

> > > but fantasizing about breaking Xander's neck when
> > > he's fucking with me at the Bronze 
> > 
> > Mental image. Great. 'preciate it.  Gonna get a stiff drink now.  And
> > vomit.
> 
> What the fuck? Oh. Very funny. 

I thought so.

> Like I'd let Xander near me if I had to
> commit hari-kari on a pencil to prevent it. Takin' the piss out of me,
> then. 

But I don't have a sense of humor.

> > Everybody's got weaknesses. That's the point.  Christ, I'm still
> > having this argument with you...
> 
> Some things never change. Yeah, everybody's got weaknesses. The point
> is, do you play on them, or do you fight them strength to strength? 

But the strengths are aways going to be there. Why go in and pretend you
don't have a hand up when you do?  And... again how do I keep getting into
this with you?

> Yeah, that must have been it. Fuck knows I couldn't have gotten bored
> watching you and Darla making pretty little tableaus out of the
> unresisting masses. 

I kept you interested.

Wait - is that why you love me?

> I know. For that matter, I've come to appreciate the artistic approach
> on occasion. But we've got our priorities flipped. 

Or something.

> > Kill yourself.  Kill Buffy.  Give up.  Monster's all that's left.
> 
> Shit, luv. That's not true. 

Dunno.

> That was *never* true, even in the worst of
> the old days. You were always good to Darla. You always loved art.
> There was always *something* besides the monster. 

Dunno.

> Like? Angel. Please. I want to help. This is not some kind of elaborate
> scheme to play on your weaknesses. For one thing, I don't have the
> patience. Or the brains. And I've been drawing you a bloody map to my
> weak spots since we started this happy little correspondence. If there's
> something I can do, for fuck's sake tell me what it is. 

Um.  I - I'll let you know.

> > Not exploded.  Just... like I'm not sure it really happened.  'cause
> > the world's still there, I've still got the soul - something's gotta
> > be wrong.  Doesn't work that way. Wes doesn't love me back, he puts up
> > with me and maybe thinks I'm a close acquaintance.
> 
> Tell me you're over this by now. I have to ask, because I'm started to
> realize just how bad you can be at recognizing this shit. And if that
> boy loved you any more it would be dripping from him like sweat. 

No - I get it now. From him.  Hard to miss, now that I see it.  It's nice.

> > Yeah but you don't have a rep for losing your soul and taking over the
> > world everytime you get a hard-on.  Little more here than does he
> > wanna go to third base.
> 
> This is true. Soul is iffy at best, and I like the world as it is. But
> Wesley, sleepy or not, has gotta have considered this stuff. I mean, he
> knew about Darla, right? 

Yeah, he knew.  But remember I didn't know he'd been thinking about it.
Still processing the "he loves me" thing at the time.

> > > Did I mention the boy's got balls?
> > 
> > Nice ones too.
> 
> Definitely. Sorry, got distracted there. You were saying?

I forgot.

> > > Fuck, that's hot. Guess sometimes the patience thing does have its
> > > points. 
> > 
> > I keep telling you.
> 
> Yes, you do. And *keep* telling me. And *keep* telling me. And you're
> not dead yet, so obviously I'm getting more patient all the time. 

Or I am.

> > Love to know how he fucked before me.  But I'm guessing Virginia isn't
> > gonna be up to a conversation like that over coffee.
> 
> Virginia? Old girlfriend? Buy her a drink or two, you might be
> surprised. Don't know her, of course, but women tend to compare notes. 

Yeah.  Broke up with her... couple of days before I came back?  More than
a week before he and I slept together.  Didn't know her too well.  Didn't
bring her by the office much when I was still there, then after the
firing...

> > > > Wes told you he got shot in the gut, right?
> > > 
> > > What?!? No, he certainly bloody didn't. By you? 'Cause if so, we
> > > have to have a little talk. 
> > 
> > Cute.  No, not me.  Cop.  Ask me someday how *I* fucking felt about
> > it.
> 
> Wasn't joking, Angel. You hurt him bad. You tell me you went bad. I
> don't know where the line is till you tell me.

Meant you protecting him - cute.  Funny how he brings it out in us, huh?

> How *did* you feel about
> it? 

Like shit.  Found out after the fact.  He's in the hospital, I can *see*
how close he came.  Felt like I got shot *myself* when I heard the report
about it.  Seeing him makes it worse.  Might have gone back, just for him.
 Thought about it.  Didn't. Obviously.

> >  But yeah - he was still hurting when we got together. On the pain
> >  pills 
> > and everything.  Even - um - using a wheelchair.  Just realized you
> > two had that in common.
> 
> Somethin' else for us to compare notes on. Guessin' your style of
> nursing has improved a bit? 

Ask Wes.  Did my best.  Dunno the new stuff though - medicine and all
that.  Had to take lessons from him.

> True. Ever come in handy for less personal stuff? Information
> gathering, that kind of thing? 

What? Torture?  To get information?  Yeah. All the time.

> Dealer's choice.

Lemme think about it.

A.

***

To: Wesley
From: Spike

> > Yeah, when the mood strikes and someone else is payin'. Not on what
> > you might call a regular basis. The Bronze used to have a bloody
> > brilliant flowering onion thing before they gutted the place and went
> > all yuppie crap. Bleedin' cilantro tastes like soap. 
> 
> You wouldn't care for Los Angeles cuisine either, I don't think.

Decent burritos, when I was there last. Otherwise didn't bother much.

> > Who did this to you the bad way, pet? And where do they live?
> 
> Er - Faith, for a start.  When she came to Los Angeles.

That was a two part question, pet. Where does she live? Buffy said
something about jail. Which jail? And who else?

> > > *Four*?
> > 
> > Up to Angel, naturally. And to you. But we have a lot of endurance,
> > when we need it.
> 
> *Four*?

[grin] Is that a dare, pet?

> To be honest the hotel isn't exactly the most secure of locations.  None
> of us are really certain why Angel feels as strongly about staying in it
> as he does.  The top two floors are abandoned and should be condemned -
> and thus provide ample openings for any who'd care to creep in.  For
> that matter the front door never locks properly.

Okay. Weird, but whatever. Far too subtle to be a death wish, so I'm
thinking its a style statement. Though of what, I don't know. I tended to
miss the finer points.

> > > > And you -- except for the breathing thing -- rather wished he
> > > > hadn't.
> > > 
> > > Dear God, exactly.
> > 
> > I can imagine. Especially if he still sleeps naked.
> 
> Er - yes. He does.  Did, as well.

Then I can picture it perfectly. Except -- what were *you* wearing? And
don't I sound like a phone sex operator now?

> Well frankly a joy of battle is what she's *supposed* to be having.  But
> therein lies a problem, and I suspect not the one you've both been
> anticipating.  I know of Slayers who were the Council's "ideal".  They
> were girls who had completely given themselves over to the task. 
> Vampire killing machines.  

That's a problem too. And you know, I had been anticipating it. I know
Buffy fears it, and I don't think she's wrong to do so. But -- somehow the
fear seems to feed the danger. I don't know how to put it any clearer than
that.

> > > Thank you. I know how foolish I seem at times.  

> > You don't. Why would you? Besides, if you want to talk foolish... even
> > setting aside most of my behavior towards Buffy this year, which
> > veered between idiocy and, well, idiocy, ask me what I was like as a
> > mortal some time. Hell, ask Angel what I was like as a young vamp.
> > You'll never feel foolish again. 
> 
> Do you wish me to, or would you rather tell me yourself, or that I never
> find out?

Might as well, pet. I'm hoping your newfound fondness for me can withstand
the shock, but if it can't, better to know sooner. Ask Angel for the vamp
bits -- he can give you the highly colored images better than anyone,
since you and Darla aren't on speakin' terms. I'll tell you the human bits
one of these days. It was that stuff I was tellin' Buffy the night I tried
to shoot her.

> He turned his back on Cordy's visions for the sake of protecting Darla.
> He lied on numerous occasions to help Darla's cause at the expense of
> everything else.  He abandoned people he was supposed to be helping - to
> their face, abandoned them - again for Darla.

> He became obsessed with hurting Wolfram and Hart.  He allowed Darla and
> Drusilla to kill large numbers of humans - and in fact facilitated the
> process. He cut a swath of death amongst many of the demons in Los
> Angeles - not all of whom were evil.  He tortured an associate of the
> business.  He threatened Cordy's life.  He once again developed a taste
> for torture and killing and the art therein...
> 
> That sounding more like him?

Yes. Much. But I doubt if he ever lost the taste, really. It's like ridin'
a bicycle -- and he had it better -- worse -- than I do. He's just been
keepin' it restrained. Either that or I'm *really* bad for him.

> > > No one is saying that you should.  I doubt anyone *could* do that. 
> > 
> > No, I figured they didn't. But -- this moral thing, the one I don't
> > have, that's what fills that gap, right? Between the love or liking I
> > feel for a privileged few, and the not giving a shit I feel for pretty
> > much everyone else? 
> 
> I suppose it could, but it doesn't have to.

Now I'm confused again. Gettin' to be a constant state with me. I'll give
you an example. Troll showed up in town a while ago. Turned out to be
Anya's ex, but that's another story. Starts asking where he can get babies
to eat, smashing up a bar. Xander thought I should do something. Why? I
don't know these people. I don't care about these people. If it isn't
personal affection and it isn't the moral thing that makes all you people
jump into the fray just when I'm pullin' up a chair to watch the carnage,
what the fuck is it?

> > > Because they are in need of our help, and we are the only ones who
> > > can do it.  Because it feels good, knowing that we made a
> > > difference.
> > 
> > Um. Okay. Not getting this one yet. 
> 
> I imagined not.  All clicks and buzzes on your end?

Pretty much.

> > But give me time. Buffy keeps trying to explain it to me too. Sooner
> > or later one of you will get through. 
> 
> Perhaps if you try it yourself?

Kinda did. Long story. There was a spell involved. Need a *lot* of scotch
before I tell that one. Suffice it to say, I remember caring, but I can't
remember why. I guess I could give it a shot. I mean, I'm already helping
Buffy. But I could try helping someone not with Buffy. Not for Buffy. I
suppose. But wouldn't it, now, be for you? Not that that's bad. Just that
it doesn't really get at the rest of the question.

> > > What's the Angel Gold Standard?
> > 
> > Er. You're one if the people who believe Angel is the best thing that
> > ever happened to the planet, give or take fire and sliced bread. So
> > I'm not sure how different your advice on bein' good would be from
> > bein' like Angel. 
> 
> On the one hand, true, but on the other... I'm one of the few who
> doesn't forget Angel's nastier side.  And he has different issues than
> you to deal with.  I do know that.

True. He doesn't forget it either. And Dru doesn't understand the whole
thing. So its just Buffy really.

> > [grin] Hat hair. Can I pretty please tell him I know about that one?
> > The relationship between that man and his gel is illegal in most
> > southern states. 
> 
> I'll do you one better - the helmet was pink.  I made him wear it. 
> (You'll recall I said something about retribution for attacking me?)

Pink? *Pink*. I owe you big for that little nugget of joy, pet. Name your
price.

> > Not a problem. She's printing me out a copy of the curse she used
> > tonight, and will give it to me tomorrow. And she says its the same
> > one for both of us. One snag, though, its in Old Roumanian. 
> 
> Why is that a problem?

Um, do you read Old Roumanian? Cause I sure don't.

> > Frankly, pet, I've not mentioned this whole correspondence to anyone
> > in Sunnydale just yet.
> 
> Angel and I haven't been mentioning it to Gunn or Cordelia either.

In that case, are they in the habit of dropping by unannounced on the
weekends? I have this bad feeling about a front door that doesn't lock,
you and me bein' kind of preoccupied, and someone who thinks I'm still the
Big Bad walkin' in at the wrong moment.

> Willow may not feel particularly inclined to assist me.  Naturally I
> welcome any help that I can, but be aware that it might be an issue.

She may not. But she's proved she's willing to assist me, dunno why, and
Angel, for Buffy's sake. If you're involved, she's gonna have to deal with
that.

> > Second, because that's how he treats people he likes. Or, well, people
> > he tolerates. Me, in the old days. 

> Er - this has become rather interesting.  But wait - didn't he care for
> Buffy?  Angelus, I - well I was about to say "I mean" but I suppose we
> don't know.  We know *Angel* liked Buffy, yes?  You were there when
> Angel turned - would you have said Angelus liked her as well?

No, frankly. Possibly he was in love with her -- certainly he was obsessed
with her -- but liked her, definitely not.

> I suppose I've gotten used to such things.  Danger in general, I mean.

This would be the courageous part. 

> No.  And no.  It was Lindsey, one of Wolfram & Hart's lawyers.  He ran
> Angel over with a truck - I believe it was four times - then hit him
> with a sledgehammer about seven.  Took Angel over a week to heal.

In that case, no. Bit excessive. And why does a lawyer drive a truck?
That's one large briefcase.

> > I can see that. Pet, when you say you don't have the words to give
> > sexual details -- you needn't, ever, if you'd rather not. But you have
> > just proved, above, that you do know how to translate your observer's
> > eye. It's not so different. 
> 
> Oh.  Thank you.

You're welcome.

> > Having heard something of this from him as well, I'm entirely on his
> > side of the question. He's an idiot. 
> 
> And a wanker.  And a *git*.

And, as you said, a prat.

> > And, pet, what's all this about a gunshot wound?

> It's much better now.  We - Angel Investigations, sans Angel - were
> attempting to help a friend of Gunn's who claimed that someone was
> harassing children on the street - *of* the street, rather.  Homeless. 
> They thought it was the police bringing about unnecessarily and uncalled
> for physical violence, and Gunn got it into his head to go out and try
> to draw some of the violence onto himself while a friend videotaped the
> entire thing.
> 
> Realizing how foolish this was, Cordy and I attempted to track him down.
>  We split up, with Cordy staying at the shelter with Gunn's friend,
> while I found him really in the nick of time.  One of the officers had
> begun to menace Gunn and his friends.  I tried to draw the man's
> attention, and he turned and fired upon me instead.
> 
> After which I'm afraid I don't remember very much.  I do know that I
> lost a great deal of blood, and that it was hours until they were able
> to get me to hospital.

Oh. Okay. Glad you're feeling better. Angel mentioned it, and just for a
second there, I was afraid you hadn't because he had done it. In which
case I was going to have a hard time deciding who to kill first, him for
doing it or you for forgiving him. But you were just being brave again.
Quit that, pet. Makes me look bad. When I was in a wheelchair I took up
sulking as a hobby -- again, ask Angel.

> > That's -- poignant, pet. I hope he proved his reality to your
> > satisfaction.
> 
> Poignant?  And yes, he did.

That you were so ... hesitant .. to believe that he was there,  and real,
and in love with you. He said something similar.

> It's hard not to. He's a good one for noticing.  He picks up on the
> strangest details - things you would think no one would have cared
> about.  Makes up for all the time I thought he was ignoring me.  Not on
> purpose, I mean - he does this naturally.  I only mean to say it gives a
> nice balance.

I understand.

> > Much as I'm looking forward to seeing Angel and whatever he has in
> > mind, I was hoping to spend some time with you alone as well. Would
> > that be alright with you, Angel permitting? 
> 
> Of course.

Just checking.

> > I have a vision of the two of us curled up around you in bed, purring.
> > 
> 
> I wasn't aware vampires did that.

The mechanics aren't exactly like a cat's, but well, the effect is
similar.

> > Hope Angel has a big one.
> 
> *cough*

Hey, I'm single entendre guy, remember? Wesley, pet, you *know* what I
mean. We are both more than fully aware that Angel has a big *cock*.
However only you are in a position to know whether Angel currently has a
big *bed*. Not that it matters. If there's not room the other way, we'll
stack.

-- Spike

***

To: Spike
From: Wesley

> > You wouldn't care for Los Angeles cuisine either, I don't think.
> 
> Decent burritos, when I was there last. Otherwise didn't bother much.

I was thinking more along the lines of the trendier restaurants. Not that
any of us could afford them in the first place.

> > > Who did this to you the bad way, pet? And where do they live?
> > 
> > Er - Faith, for a start.  When she came to Los Angeles.
> 
> That was a two part question, pet. Where does she live? Buffy said
> something about jail. Which jail? And who else? 

I believe she's in Fulsom Prison, but I'm honestly not sure. I've never
cared to ask.  And - er - demons, here and there.

> > *Four*?
> 
> [grin] Is that a dare, pet?

No. Just questioning the physics.

> > To be honest the hotel isn't exactly the most secure of locations. 
> > None of us are really certain why Angel feels as strongly about
> > staying in it as he does.  The top two floors are abandoned and should
> > be condemned - and thus provide ample openings for any who'd care to
> > creep in.  For that matter the front door never locks properly.
> 
> Okay. Weird, but whatever. Far too subtle to be a death wish, so I'm
> thinking its a style statement. Though of what, I don't know. I tended
> to miss the finer points. 

He lived in it back in the 1950s. I suspect that sentiment is some of the
reason behind this.  It also gives him a good connection with the sewers,
for daytime traveling. As you might guess.

> > > I can imagine. Especially if he still sleeps naked.
> > 
> > Er - yes. He does.  Did, as well.
> 
> Then I can picture it perfectly. Except -- what were *you* wearing? And
> don't I sound like a phone sex operator now? 

I wouldn't know.  And the usual.

> That's a problem too. And you know, I had been anticipating it. I know
> Buffy fears it, and I don't think she's wrong to do so. But -- somehow
> the fear seems to feed the danger. I don't know how to put it any
> clearer than that. 

No, I can see that. I think this is what Angel is struggling with as well.
 On the one hand there is a necessary element of death and destruction
about the job, but on the other how do they stay on the *right* side of
death and destruction.  And, as you say, being afraid of themselves only
makes it worse. Makes them believe what they are innately is the wrong
thing.  But Buffy must remember that as a Slayer she *is* the right thing.
That natural part of herself is not the question. The Powers chose her
above all other candidates for good reason.  She has to believe in that.

Not that she would ever believe that, coming from me.

> > Do you wish me to, or would you rather tell me yourself, or that I
> > never find out?
> 
> Might as well, pet. I'm hoping your newfound fondness for me can
> withstand the shock, but if it can't, better to know sooner. Ask Angel
> for the vamp bits -- he can give you the highly colored images better
> than anyone, since you and Darla aren't on speakin' terms. I'll tell you
> the human bits one of these days. It was that stuff I was tellin' Buffy
> the night I tried to shoot her. 

I'm assuming the evening shall end without guns, though.

> Yes. Much. But I doubt if he ever lost the taste, really. It's like
> ridin' a bicycle -- and he had it better -- worse -- than I do. He's
> just been keepin' it restrained. Either that or I'm *really* bad for
> him. 

No. I'd been suspecting as much myself.  For example, the night he 
was drugged and "turned" again.  Truthfully... It was Angelus.  There was
no doubt of it.  He even demanded we call him by that name.  However
Angel's soul had gone nowhere. The happiness was synthetic.  It does not
take a genius to surmise that Angelus isn't as far away as everyone
believes him to be.  Angel included, although I wonder if he harbors those
delusions anymore.

> Now I'm confused again. Gettin' to be a constant state with me. I'll
> give you an example. Troll showed up in town a while ago. Turned out to
> be Anya's ex, but that's another story. Starts asking where he can get
> babies to eat, smashing up a bar. Xander thought I should do something.
> Why? I don't know these people. I don't care about these people. If it
> isn't personal affection and it isn't the moral thing that makes all you
> people jump into the fray just when I'm pullin' up a chair to watch the
> carnage, what the fuck is it? 

Ahh. Now I understand.  Yes.  Well.  Eating babies - generally 
considered to be unacceptable. At least in human culture, which is the one
we're attempting to meld ourselves with.

As for the people in the bar - they can't defend themselves.  You 
possibly could (would the chip activate around a troll?).  Which is why
Xander expected you to lend a hand. You were able to.

Does that clear it up some?

> > Perhaps if you try it yourself?
> 
> Kinda did. Long story. There was a spell involved. Need a *lot* of
> scotch before I tell that one. Suffice it to say, I remember caring, but
> I can't remember why. I guess I could give it a shot. I mean, I'm
> already helping Buffy. But I could try helping someone not with Buffy.
> Not for Buffy. I suppose. But wouldn't it, now, be for you? Not that
> that's bad. Just that it doesn't really get at the rest of the question.
> 

We all have to start somewhere.  Children learn morality in the hopes of
pleasing their parents.  Otherwise they would become little hellions. And
often do.  So I see no harm in your first - so to speak - baby steps being
done with the hope of pleasing those you care for, or regard highly.  In
this matter, it becomes somewhat appropriate that Angel, as your
grandfather, can guide you.

> > On the one hand, true, but on the other... I'm one of the few who
> > doesn't forget Angel's nastier side.  And he has different issues than
> > you to deal with.  I do know that.
> 
> True. He doesn't forget it either. And Dru doesn't understand the whole
> thing. So its just Buffy really. 

Buffy who what?

> > I'll do you one better - the helmet was pink.  I made him wear it. 
> > (You'll recall I said something about retribution for attacking me?)
> 
> Pink? *Pink*. 

*Hot* pink.  Woman's helmet pink.

> I owe you big for that little nugget of joy, pet. Name your price.

The event itself was pleasure enough, but thank you.  

> Um, do you read Old Roumanian? Cause I sure don't.

Not fluently but it can't be any harder than the other languages I know.

> > > Frankly, pet, I've not mentioned this whole correspondence to anyone
> > > in Sunnydale just yet.
> > 
> > Angel and I haven't been mentioning it to Gunn or Cordelia either.
> 
> In that case, are they in the habit of dropping by unannounced on the
> weekends? I have this bad feeling about a front door that doesn't lock,
> you and me bein' kind of preoccupied, and someone who thinks I'm still
> the Big Bad walkin' in at the wrong moment. 

Not particularly.  Gunn and Cordy have their own plans, and aren't overly
eager to visit Angel spontaneously at any rate.  Relations between them
all being, still, somewhat strained.  Besides, Angel has his own suite
within the hotel which is a bit more secure.

> > Er - this has become rather interesting.  But wait - didn't he care
> > for Buffy?  Angelus, I - well I was about to say "I mean" but I
> > suppose we don't know.  We know *Angel* liked Buffy, yes?  You were
> > there when Angel turned - would you have said Angelus liked her as
> > well?
> 
> No, frankly. Possibly he was in love with her -- certainly he was
> obsessed with her -- but liked her, definitely not. 

All right.  So Angelus did not like Buffy, but was, we can all agree,
obsessed with her and perhaps in love.  Much like Darla, really, yes?

But you are saying that - and I understand this is no guarantee, 
particularly since you weren't there - that the possibility exists that
Angelus liked myself and Cordelia?  Because he didn't become overly
physical in his actions?

No... that couldn't make sense.  Cordy is Angel's source of redemption. 
Angelus would *hate* her for that, would he not?  And I - I must have been
hardly an entity to him.  

I'm sorry. I don't mean to place all of this upon you. It's just that I am
trying to understand him and  - well I suppose you could say I'm
attempting to translate him and you're the only Rosetta stone I know.  Any
scrap of information, however thirdhand and guesswork-ridden it is, would
be most valuable.

And to answer the question - no, I couldn't ask Angel.  He doesn't like
speaking of that time overmuch and, frankly, doesn't understand his
impluses as much as I think he likes to think he does.  

> > No.  And no.  It was Lindsey, one of Wolfram & Hart's lawyers.  He ran
> > Angel over with a truck - I believe it was four times - then hit him
> > with a sledgehammer about seven.  Took Angel over a week to heal.
> 
> In that case, no. Bit excessive. And why does a lawyer drive a truck?
> That's one large briefcase. 

I'm not sure.  Angel might, he was there... well, obviously.  All I know
is after the fact Angel came to the rescue of Gunn, Cordy and myself while
driving it, and that it was a rather large, old-fashioned looking thing. 
Still working, for all that Angel drove it through a wall.  An advantage
of solid steel construction, I suppose.

> Oh. Okay. Glad you're feeling better. Angel mentioned it, and just for a
> second there, I was afraid you hadn't because he had done it. 

Oh no.  Angel attacked me when I woke him, and Angelus certainly 
turned his attentions upon me when he was here, but beyond that... 
Well, the night he threatened Cordy wasn't pleasant, nor was being 
fired, but again as I say beyond that Angel did not hurt me directly.

> In which case I was going to have a hard time deciding who to kill
> first, him for doing it or you for forgiving him. But you were just
> being brave again. Quit that, pet. Makes me look bad. 

Being brave?

> When I was in a
> wheelchair I took up sulking as a hobby -- again, ask Angel. 

That's right - I remember reading about you being incapacitated.  After
the fact, that is.

> > > Hope Angel has a big one.
> > 
> > *cough*
> 
> Hey, I'm single entendre guy, remember? 

I thought that was single enough.

> Wesley, pet, you *know* what I mean. We are both more than fully aware
> that Angel has a big *cock*.

I was going to ask why you weren't sure.

> However only you are in a position to know whether Angel currently has a
> big *bed*. 

He does. Quite comfortable.

Wesley

***

To: Angel
From: Spike

> > Stupid doesn't begin to describe it. Yes, Angel, I love you like an
> > umbrella.

> You talk weird all the time. I'm supposed to know where the line is?
> Half the time you make this shit up anyway.  The words, I mean. Not the
> emotions.  Love Like An Umbrella - new album by the Violent Femmes for
> all I know.

Except the Violent Femmes haven't had a new album since -- never mind. And
you know they're not really albums any more, right? But I do get your
point.

> > You know how fond I am of umbrellas, especially the kind with
> > the little button that makes them fold out. 

> They do that now?

Tell me you're joking. Please.

> > Let me try this again. Slowly. I love you, Angel. Like a father. Like
> > a sire. Like a master. Like an *owner*. 
> 
> Why?

I don't fucking know why. Because I do. Because you are. Because my own
father died when I was 12 and I needed someone to step into the bleedin'
*breach*, if you want to get all psychological about it. I don't. Freud
was a nasty old killjoy and Jung was as batty as Dru. Are you just gonna
keep asking "Why?" like a two year old that doesn't want to go to bed? Do
I need a reason? Can't you take it as a fact? It sure isn't anything I
went lookin' for.

> > Hence the umbrella thing, which
> > believe me I am beginning to regret I ever mentioned. Point being,
> > although why I am telling you this I will never know, that I belong to
> > you regardless of how you treat me, or how I might feel about it. 
> 
> Why? I treated you like shit.  

Yeah, that would be the regardless bit. But you didn't, always. You were
beautiful, and dangerous, and you kept me around and tolerated me and even
trained me when you could have sent me away.

My turn for the whys. Why are you having so much trouble with this
concept? "My place is at your feet" gets a "damned straight" but "let me
help you" gets an identity crisis? As you said, the hell?  I want to serve
you, Angel. I thought we went through this.

> > And
> > that being the case, would you please, oh, *bear it the fuck in mind*
> > the next time you need something. Because I will be no less yours
> > sitting around doing nothing. So you might as well get something out
> > of it and let me feel at least vaguely useful. Clearer now? 

> No.  I don't get this. You don't even *like* me.  You *shouldn't* like
> me.  Why do you want to help me?

No, you won't bear it in mind, or just no, it's not clearer now? And why
shouldn't I like you? I get why you shouldn't like me. You're good. I'm
not. But I'm not asking you to like me. Just to take advantage of me. You
used to be good at that. And yeah, I like you. Except when I hate you. I
don't fucking know. Most of the reasons I hated you have had, oh, a ton of
new information dumped into the mix in these last couple letters of yours.
I'm gonna need a little time to process. But does it matter, Angel? How
many people like their original fathers? I'm still yours.

> > Second, though -- even if you were right, what difference does that
> > make now? This isn't about owing a debt. You meant the world to me.
> > You showed the world to me. Hell, you *were* the world to me. I know
> > I've been learning a lot of new tricks lately, but some things it is
> > far too late to change. 
> 
> I've changed.  You love that?

You've changed? You don't say! I *have* been paying attention for the last
hundred pages, you know. Not to mention the hundred years. I love *you*.
So yeah, I guess I do love that. It's a package deal. Doesn't mean I get
it. Doesn't mean I don't want to rip the throat out of the gypsy bitch
that hurt you so bad. But ... you wanna stay like this. And ... you were
good to Buffy like this. And ... you are good to Wesley like this. And
you're *talking* to me like this, which never would have happened in the
old days. So yeah. If it's love me, love my soul, I'm on board. 

> > Not promising that. Angelus comes back to hurt Buffy or anyone she
> > cares about, he gets a stake through the heart. Angelus comes back to
> > hurt Wesley, I'm leanin' in that direction -- but I suppose Wesley
> > gets a say. Angelus comes back with enough sense to leave the two of
> > them alone ... then we're cool. 
> 
> No. Dead.  If you won't do it, I'll find somebody else.

All RIGHT, Angel. I promise. It's just -- gonna hurt, you know? 'Cause it
may be love me, love my soul, now, but it was just plain love me first.

> But I don't have a sense of humor.

Or any sense of modern technology. But it's part of your charm.

> But the strengths are aways going to be there. Why go in and pretend you
> don't have a hand up when you do?  And... again how do I keep getting
> into this with you?

Habit? Number one, if you don't go *looking* for the fucking weaknesses,
then you don't *have* a hand up, just because they must be theoretically
there. But number two, if I go to a judo master, I want to fight judo and
beat him on his own terms. I don't want to take him out with an AK-47 just
because I can.

> > Yeah, that must have been it. Fuck knows I couldn't have gotten bored
> > watching you and Darla making pretty little tableaus out of the
> > unresisting masses. 
> 
> I kept you interested.

Yes, you did.

> Wait - is that why you love me?

Part of it.

> > I know. For that matter, I've come to appreciate the artistic approach
> > on occasion. But we've got our priorities flipped. 
> 
> Or something.

Totally fucking skewed, quite possibly. But vis a vis each other, flipped.

> > > Kill yourself.  Kill Buffy.  Give up.  Monster's all that's left.
> > 
> > Shit, luv. That's not true. 
> 
> Dunno.

I do. I can't say trust me, 'cause you've got no reason to. But still. I
*saw* Dru run to you when she was afraid. There was a monster, yeah. But
that's not all there was.

> > That was *never* true, even in the worst of
> > the old days. You were always good to Darla. You always loved art.
> > There was always *something* besides the monster. 
> 
> Dunno.

Then think about this one. How come Angelus didn't try to kill Wesley when
they met?

> > Like? Angel. Please. I want to help. This is not some kind of
> > elaborate scheme to play on your weaknesses. For one thing, I don't
> > have the patience. Or the brains. And I've been drawing you a bloody
> > map to my weak spots since we started this happy little
> > correspondence. If there's something I can do, for fuck's sake tell me
> > what it is. 
> 
> Um.  I - I'll let you know.

Okay. I'll be here.

> Yeah, he knew.  But remember I didn't know he'd been thinking about it.
> Still processing the "he loves me" thing at the time.

Good point.

> > > > Fuck, that's hot. Guess sometimes the patience thing does have its
> > > > points. 
> > > 
> > > I keep telling you.
> > 
> > Yes, you do. And *keep* telling me. And *keep* telling me. And you're
> > not dead yet, so obviously I'm getting more patient all the time. 
> 
> Or I am.

Or both, even.

> Yeah.  Broke up with her... couple of days before I came back?  More
> than a week before he and I slept together.  Didn't know her too well. 
> Didn't bring her by the office much when I was still there, then after
> the firing...

Probably not gonna want to compare notes with you, then. Want me to try
and get back to you? She doesn't know me from a hole in the ground.

> Meant you protecting him - cute.  Funny how he brings it out in us, huh?

Yeah. Guess it is. Feels natural, though. Didn't really think about it.

> Like shit.  Found out after the fact.  He's in the hospital, I can *see*
> how close he came.  Felt like I got shot *myself* when I heard the
> report about it.  Seeing him makes it worse.  Might have gone back, just
> for him.  Thought about it.  Didn't. Obviously.

Wish you had?

> > >  But yeah - he was still hurting when we got together. On the pain
> > >  pills 
> > > and everything.  Even - um - using a wheelchair.  Just realized you
> > > two had that in common.
> > 
> > Somethin' else for us to compare notes on. Guessin' your style of
> > nursing has improved a bit? 
> 
> Ask Wes.  Did my best.  Dunno the new stuff though - medicine and all
> that.  Had to take lessons from him.

Nah. Don't think he really needs to hear about how it went for me, and
he'd ask. Send him to you to hear about how whiny I was in those days,
though -- and how pathetic I was when you first met me. Thought it might
cure him of thinkin' he's foolish, by comparison if nothin' else.

> > True. Ever come in handy for less personal stuff? Information
> > gathering, that kind of thing? 
> 
> What? Torture?  To get information?  Yeah. All the time.

Yeah. Didn't know. Still don't know, cause I can't tell if you're joking.

> > Dealer's choice.
> 
> Lemme think about it.

Take your time. Anything I can tell you? Got no more Wesley stories but
the one, but I haven't been a total hermit in general. 

--Spike

***

To: Wesley
From: Spike

> I was thinking more along the lines of the trendier restaurants. Not
> that any of us could afford them in the first place.

Could when I was there last. But I didn't bother as much with food when
the blood list was more varied. Now I do, but not bein' able to bite kind
of cuts down on the income level. And then I pretty well had to stop
askin' Buffy for money to help once I told her I loved her. So yeah,
avoiding the four star places, probably a good move. Though pet -- if
you'd care for it, the three of us could certainly scrape together enough
cash for *you* to eat, and Angel and I to have a drink or two.

> > > > Who did this to you the bad way, pet? And where do they live?
> > > 
> > > Er - Faith, for a start.  When she came to Los Angeles.
> > 
> > That was a two part question, pet. Where does she live? Buffy said
> > something about jail. Which jail? And who else? 
> 
> I believe she's in Fulsom Prison, but I'm honestly not sure. I've never
> cared to ask.  And - er - demons, here and there.

Shit. Can't kill Faith yet. Buffy wants to talk to her.

Any of the demons still breathing? 'Cause we can fix that.

> > > *Four*?
> > 
> > [grin] Is that a dare, pet?
> 
> No. Just questioning the physics.

We're *dead*, pet. *None* of the physics makes sense. least of all what
happens to our clothes when we get staked. Been wondering about that one
for *years.*

> He lived in it back in the 1950s. I suspect that sentiment is some of
> the reason behind this.  It also gives him a good connection with the
> sewers, for daytime traveling. As you might guess.

Fair enough.

> I wouldn't know.  And the usual.

The usual? I've seen you in two outfits, pet, some kind of sweater and
chinos under Angel's coat, and the lovely leather get up. Which?

> > That's a problem too. And you know, I had been anticipating it. I know
> > Buffy fears it, and I don't think she's wrong to do so. But -- somehow
> > the fear seems to feed the danger. I don't know how to put it any
> > clearer than that. 

> No, I can see that. I think this is what Angel is struggling with as
> well.  On the one hand there is a necessary element of death and
> destruction about the job, but on the other how do they stay on the
> *right* side of death and destruction.  And, as you say, being afraid of
> themselves only makes it worse. Makes them believe what they are
> innately is the wrong thing.  But Buffy must remember that as a Slayer
> she *is* the right thing. That natural part of herself is not the
> question. The Powers chose her above all other candidates for good
> reason.  She has to believe in that.
> 
> Not that she would ever believe that, coming from me.

Doubt she'd believe it coming from me either. Maybe from Giles. Or...
maybe this Host guy. He's got the red line to the powers, right?

> > Might as well, pet. I'm hoping your newfound fondness for me can
> > withstand the shock, but if it can't, better to know sooner. Ask Angel
> > for the vamp bits -- he can give you the highly colored images better
> > than anyone, since you and Darla aren't on speakin' terms. I'll tell
> > you the human bits one of these days. It was that stuff I was tellin'
> > Buffy the night I tried to shoot her. 
> 
> I'm assuming the evening shall end without guns, though.

Yes, of course. Don't want to hurt you. Not ever.

> > Yes. Much. But I doubt if he ever lost the taste, really. It's like
> > ridin' a bicycle -- and he had it better -- worse -- than I do. He's
> > just been keepin' it restrained. Either that or I'm *really* bad for
> > him. 
> 
> No. I'd been suspecting as much myself.  For example, the night he was
> drugged and "turned" again.  Truthfully... It was Angelus.  There was no
> doubt of it.  He even demanded we call him by that name.  However
> Angel's soul had gone nowhere. The happiness was synthetic.  It does not
> take a genius to surmise that Angelus isn't as far away as everyone
> believes him to be.  Angel included, although I wonder if he harbors
> those delusions anymore.

Hard to say. He was havin' a tense problem with "like -- liked -- like"
about torture and all that. But -- he asked me to kill him if Angelus ever
comes back. And I promised. Fuck. I didn't want to,  so long as he left
you and Buffy alone. But he said he'd find someone else if I didn't -- and
if it has to be someone, I'd rather it be me.

> > Now I'm confused again. Gettin' to be a constant state with me. I'll
> > give you an example. Troll showed up in town a while ago. Turned out
> > to be Anya's ex, but that's another story. Starts asking where he can
> > get babies to eat, smashing up a bar. Xander thought I should do
> > something. Why? I don't know these people. I don't care about these
> > people. If it isn't personal affection and it isn't the moral thing
> > that makes all you people jump into the fray just when I'm pullin' up
> > a chair to watch the carnage, what the fuck is it? 

> Ahh. Now I understand.  Yes.  Well.  Eating babies - generally 
> considered to be unacceptable. At least in human culture, which is the
> one we're attempting to meld ourselves with.

But again -- that would be the moral thing. Not the babies per se, which
could just be a cultural taboo, but, well, *I'm* not eating the babies.
The idea that I should be steppin' in to save babies of people I don't
know, that's the moral thing, right? I'm sorry if I'm sounding really
stupid here, but I really do need to narrow it down, and it may be obvious
to you, but it's not to me.

> As for the people in the bar - they can't defend themselves.  You 
> possibly could (would the chip activate around a troll?).  Which is why
> Xander expected you to lend a hand. You were able to.

Yeah, I could. The troll doesn't count for the chip. Demons are okay too.
If I could, then I have to? Is that the rule? I don't remember it like
that, from when I was human. Seems like no one would ever get any of
they're own shit done.

> Does that clear it up some?

Some. Bear with me.

> > > Perhaps if you try it yourself?

> > Kinda did. Long story. There was a spell involved. Need a *lot* of
> > scotch before I tell that one. Suffice it to say, I remember caring,
> > but I can't remember why. I guess I could give it a shot. I mean, I'm
> > already helping Buffy. But I could try helping someone not with Buffy.
> > Not for Buffy. I suppose. But wouldn't it, now, be for you? Not that
> > that's bad. Just that it doesn't really get at the rest of the
> > question. 

True. Buffy seems to think if I do it for her, then it doesn't count. But
if you don't mind... then I'd be pleased to help someone for you. Any
preferences?

> We all have to start somewhere.  Children learn morality in the hopes of
> pleasing their parents.  Otherwise they would become little hellions.
> And often do.  So I see no harm in your first - so to speak - baby steps
> being done with the hope of pleasing those you care for, or regard
> highly.  In this matter, it becomes somewhat appropriate that Angel, as
> your grandfather, can guide you.

I don't really think of him as my grandfather. More as my father. Dru and
I were the kids, and Darla and Angel were the parents. But yeah. It would
be good if he could guide me. But I think I tripped all his circuits in my
last email -- he may be out of commission for a while on sentences that
have the words Spike and Help in them.

> > True. He doesn't forget it either. And Dru doesn't understand the
> > whole thing. So its just Buffy really. 

> Buffy who what?

Buffy who thinks the only way to be a good vampire is to be like Angel.
And I don't even know if she still does. But I can't forget that she did.

> > Um, do you read Old Roumanian? Cause I sure don't.
> 
> Not fluently but it can't be any harder than the other languages I know.

Keep forgettin' what a little Swiss Army Knife of Knowledge you are. On
its way, then.

> Not particularly.  Gunn and Cordy have their own plans, and aren't
> overly eager to visit Angel spontaneously at any rate.  Relations
> between them all being, still, somewhat strained.  Besides, Angel has
> his own suite within the hotel which is a bit more secure.

That's alright then.

> > No, frankly. Possibly he was in love with her -- certainly he was
> > obsessed with her -- but liked her, definitely not. 
> 
> All right.  So Angelus did not like Buffy, but was, we can all agree,
> obsessed with her and perhaps in love.  Much like Darla, really, yes?

Maybe. He seemed to like Darla well enough back in the old days, and I
have only had the highlights of her recent revival. Angelus wanted to hurt
Buffy, as he had hurt Dru. Of course, that hurt was mostly emotional, at
least in the beginning. So that's another possibility.

> But you are saying that - and I understand this is no guarantee, 
> particularly since you weren't there - that the possibility exists that
> Angelus liked myself and Cordelia?  Because he didn't become overly
> physical in his actions?

Yes. That's what I'm sayin'. Got no idea if its true. but -- Angel said
he'd lose his soul on purpose to protect you. Kind of indicates he thinks
he'd still want to, wouldn't you say? Or was that just him bein' romantic?

> No... that couldn't make sense.  Cordy is Angel's source of redemption. 
> Angelus would *hate* her for that, would he not?  And I - I must have
> been hardly an entity to him.  

I don't know. I wasn't there. He might hate Cordelia, or he might find the
whole thing amusing. He's used to Dru's second sight, so the vision thing
isn't strange. And ... Angelus always had an eye for a pretty boy, pet.
And you're about as pretty as they come.

> I'm sorry. I don't mean to place all of this upon you. It's just that I
> am trying to understand him and  - well I suppose you could say I'm
> attempting to translate him and you're the only Rosetta stone I know. 
> Any scrap of information, however thirdhand and guesswork-ridden it is,
> would be most valuable.

I'll do my best, pet. Did he tell you about the evil doers thing? He said
he would.

> And to answer the question - no, I couldn't ask Angel.  He doesn't like
> speaking of that time overmuch and, frankly, doesn't understand his
> impluses as much as I think he likes to think he does.  

Yeah. I know.

> > In which case I was going to have a hard time deciding who to kill
> > first, him for doing it or you for forgiving him. But you were just
> > being brave again. Quit that, pet. Makes me look bad. 
> 
> Being brave?

Um, pet, most people who have recieved nasty abdominal wounds in the
course of events consider them worthy of mention.

> > When I was in a
> > wheelchair I took up sulking as a hobby -- again, ask Angel. 
> 
> That's right - I remember reading about you being incapacitated.  After
> the fact, that is.

Whole lot of no fun. But I got better.

> > Hey, I'm single entendre guy, remember? 
> 
> I thought that was single enough.

Oh, yes. Couldn't miss it. Just meant that mine wasn't intended that way.

> I was going to ask why you weren't sure.

It's been a long time and I need a refresher course?

--Spike

P.S. More requirements for me, pet? Or shall I revert to general pleading?

***

To: Spike
From: Angel

> Except the Violent Femmes haven't had a new album since -- never mind.
> And you know they're not really albums any more, right?

Cds. Yeah. I know.

> > > You know how fond I am of umbrellas, especially the kind with
> > > the little button that makes them fold out. 
>  
> > They do that now?
> 
> Tell me you're joking. Please.

Maybe. 

> Are
> you just gonna keep asking "Why?" like a two year old that doesn't want
> to go to bed? Do I need a reason? Can't you take it as a fact? 

No, I can't take it as fact. It's not. You don't. I've met you before,
Spike. I know you don't. You never liked me.

> My turn for the whys. Why are you having so much trouble with this
> concept? "My place is at your feet" gets a "damned straight" but "let me
> help you" gets an identity crisis? As you said, the hell?  I want to
> serve you, Angel. I thought we went through this. 

It's not the same as liking. I could make anybody serve me. Doesn't 
mean they'll like it.

> > No.  I don't get this. You don't even *like* me.  You *shouldn't* like
> > me.  Why do you want to help me?
> 
> No, you won't bear it in mind, or just no, it's not clearer now? 

No, it's not clearer now.

> And
> why shouldn't I like you? 

Because you *don't*.

> I get why you shouldn't like me. You're good.
> I'm not.

Not the point.  

> Most of the reasons I hated you have
> had, oh, a ton of new information dumped into the mix in these last
> couple letters of yours. I'm gonna need a little time to process.

What information?

> > I've changed.  You love that?
> 
> You've changed? You don't say! I *have* been paying attention for the
> last hundred pages, you know. Not to mention the hundred years.

You didn't see me for a hundred years.

> And you're *talking* to me like this, which never would have
> happened in the old days.

Read that. Memorize it.

> > No. Dead.  If you won't do it, I'll find somebody else.
> 
> All RIGHT, Angel. I promise. It's just -- gonna hurt, you know? 'Cause
> it may be love me, love my soul, now, but it was just plain love me
> first. 

Angelus needs to die.  He comes back, I want him dead.

Thanks.

> > > > Kill yourself.  Kill Buffy.  Give up.  Monster's all that's left.
> > > 
> > > Shit, luv. That's not true. 
> > 
> > Dunno.
> 
> I do. I can't say trust me, 'cause you've got no reason to. But still. I
> *saw* Dru run to you when she was afraid. There was a monster, yeah. But
> that's not all there was. 

It's *most* of what there was.  And it's most of what you liked, boyo.

> Then think about this one. How come Angelus didn't try to kill Wesley
> when they met? 

I don't know.

> > Yeah.  Broke up with her... couple of days before I came back?  More
> > than a week before he and I slept together.  Didn't know her too well.
> >  Didn't bring her by the office much when I was still there, then
> > after the firing...
> 
> Probably not gonna want to compare notes with you, then. Want me to try
> and get back to you? She doesn't know me from a hole in the ground. 

No. But thanks.

> > Like shit.  Found out after the fact.  He's in the hospital, I can
> > *see* how close he came.  Felt like I got shot *myself* when I heard
> > the report about it.  Seeing him makes it worse.  Might have gone
> > back, just for him.  Thought about it.  Didn't. Obviously.
> 
> Wish you had?

Wish I hadn't hurt them all so bad, but don't regret all I did. Even
fucking Darla.  Stupid, still needed to be done.

'sides, thought Wes had moved on anyway. Didn't need me anymore.

> > What? Torture?  To get information?  Yeah. All the time.
> 
> Yeah. Didn't know. Still don't know, cause I can't tell if you're
> joking.

Wasn't. Joking, I mean.

A.