To: Wesley
From: Willow

Wesley,

Spike says he gave you the copy of the curse I gave him. He says maybe you
can help figure out what went wrong with him, or why Angel's not evil
again now that you and he. Um. Anyway.

This is so wrong. Why am I writing to you? Why is *Spike* writing to you?
Buffy would wig if she knew I was even remotely considering involving you
in anything with more serious consequences than a donut run. If that. And
that was before...

But I need to know what's going on. Tara's a big help with the magickal
energies, but she doesn't really understand the whole Angel deal, and I
guess you must, by now. And Spike says you speak about eighty zillion
languages fluently. Too bad American's not one of them. 

So. I trust you about as far as I can throw New Hampshire. But if you
solemnly swear by ... I don't know, something solemn and Britishy --
Margaret Thatcher? -- that you won't get actually attempt to *do*
anything, I guess you can try.

Willow

***

To: Willow
From: Wesley

Greetings, Willow.

Please - allow me to say how glad I am that you agreed to speak with me. 
I know that our past is a painful, embarrassing and sordid one - which is
entirely of my own doing - and I am greatly moved that you would at least
consider this correspondence.

> Spike says he gave you the copy of the curse I gave him. 

Yes.  I have it here.  It arrived safely.

> He says maybe you can help figure out what went wrong with him, 

It is my hope to perhaps try to translate the curse and see what 
research I can do to discover the methodology behind it.  As I told 
Spike, though, my skills with magic are very poor - moreso in 
comparison to yours - so being able to speak with you and gain your 
input would be of tremendous assistance.

> or why Angel's not evil again now that you and he. Um. Anyway. 

Er - yes.  

> This is so wrong. Why am I writing to you? 

Of our collective group I feel that you and I might stand the best chance
of understanding the entire problem.  I - I know that you have no reason
to think of me... well, at all, let alone with any form of kindness, but
perhaps if we could approach the curse with a sort of "enemy of my enemy"
attitude?  Ban together for the sake of a common foe? That sort of thing?

> Why is *Spike* writing to you? 

I sought out Spike's expertise as a vampire in the hopes of better 
understanding what Angel was going through, particularly in regards to -
well. um.  During the conversation Spike revealed to me what went on in
the attempt to recurse him and the possibility that he might be developing
a soul.  Spending as much time with Angel as I - er - do this was of great
interest to me, particularly as it pertained to the idea of the workings
of the curse, the possibility that Angel could become Angelus again, and
the idea of there being more than one vampire with a soul.  In gratitude
for the help which he provided me, I promised Spike to try to learn would
I could about it all from my own sources of information.  We've kept an
open line of communication since then.

> Buffy would wig if she knew I was even remotely considering involving
> you in anything with more serious consequences than a donut run. If
> that. And that was before... 

I do understand. Truly.  And Spike did explain some of your 
requirements for this communication.  Again - please allow me to say that
it is *not* my goal to perform the curse.  To begin with, I haven't the
ability.  I've the skills for minor magics only.  Secondly, I don't
*desire* to perform the curse. Angel is already souled.  I see no call to
try to fix what isn't broken.  I only want to attempt to understand what
*is*.

Thirdly, if such a time came that the curse *did* need to be performed -
for Angel's sake, perhaps - I must say that you are the only person I
would ever think of to ask such a thing.  While it is quite true that
there are witches for hire - even a few living in the Los Angeles area - I
would never trust a one of them with something this important.  Truly I
would only ask you.  

> But I need to know what's going on. Tara's a big help with the magickal
> energies, but she doesn't really understand the whole Angel deal, and I
> guess you must, by now. 

I suppose we could dare say I've developed a familiarity with it, if
nothing else.

> And Spike says you speak about eighty zillion
> languages fluently. Too bad American's not one of them. 

Californian is a tricky dialect.

> So. I trust you about as far as I can throw New Hampshire. 

But not Texas?  

> But if you solemnly swear by ... I don't know, something solemn and
> Britishy -- Margaret Thatcher? -- that you won't get actually attempt to
> *do* anything, I guess you can try. 

By tea and crumpets and the BBC?  By my university degree?  By my 
book collection?

Willow, I - I tread lightly here, for fear of saying too much and closing
what little opening Spike has been kind enough to create for me but...  We
are speaking of something which - which I have given up my life for, and
very well might do again.  I respect your feelings.  I know that in the
grand scheme of things you and Buffy and everyone else probably trust and
admire Spike far more than you ever could me.  But if you ask me to swear,
ask me to promise you not to do something foolish or something like what
you would have expected of Wesley Wyndam- Pryce - "Princess Margaret" -
the Watcher who screams like a girl.... I can only beg that you understand
all that has transpired.  Not agree with it - I wouldn't be so ignorant or
vulgar as to ask that, particularly of you of all people - but again to
understand the oath that I would swear.  It is on my heart and soul,
Willow.  It - he - is everything to me.  I could not give you a greater
promise than that.

Thank you for at least listening this far.

Sincerely,
Wesley

***

To: Wesley
From: Willow

Hi Wesley --

> Please - allow me to say how glad I am that you agreed to speak with me.
>  I know that our past is a painful, embarrassing and sordid one - which
> is entirely of my own doing - and I am greatly moved that you would at
> least consider this correspondence.

Hey, no problem. Email girl here, able to leap old grudges with a single
keystroke. In person, not so much.

> It is my hope to perhaps try to translate the curse and see what
> research I can do to discover the methodology behind it.  As I told
> Spike, though, my skills with magic are very poor - moreso in comparison
> to yours - so being able to speak with you and gain your input would be
> of tremendous assistance.

Well, you're speaking. Which in do you want me to put?

> > This is so wrong. Why am I writing to you?
> 
> Of our collective group I feel that you and I might stand the best
> chance of understanding the entire problem.  I - I know that you have no
> reason to think of me... well, at all, let alone with any form of
> kindness, but perhaps if we could approach the curse with a sort of
> "enemy of my enemy" attitude?  Ban together for the sake of a common
> foe? That sort of thing?

Yeah. I guess. Except we don't really have a foe. Angel is still
soul-having man. Spike is still curse-resistant man. What are we gonna do?
Don't get me wrong, I wanna know the whys. So I can be Ms. Fix It if we
have a supernatural draino moment and 'cause, well, I do. It was my first
big witchy breakthrough, kinda want to know what I actually did. But its
not like we're on a mission here.

> > Why is *Spike* writing to you?
> 
> I sought out Spike's expertise as a vampire in the hopes of better
> understanding what Angel was going through, particularly in regards to -
> well. um. 

Spike is gay too? Boy, is Buffy gonna be surprised.

> > Buffy would wig if she knew I was even remotely considering involving
> > you in anything with more serious consequences than a donut run. If
> > that. And that was before...
> 
> I do understand. Truly.  

It's just... last time I ran off to do magicky things behind Buffy's back,
major confusion ensued. Spike, curse, top hat and horses, collapsing, the
whole enchilada. Or at least half an enchilada, since nobody actually
died. And I pretty much decided never to do that again. 

Now I *can't* tell her this, because I've got a real strong hunch that the
next person who says your name in her hearing is going to take a stake
through the heart, and that kills humans too. Just a little less dustily. 

So absolutely no confusion can come out of this, understand? Not even a
tiny little bit of befuddlement. That means not just no full-on attempts
to curse somebody in the wild. It means no controlled conditions, no
partial recitations, no dry runs, no justifications that could ever under
any circumstances be the first fifteen minutes of a horror movie.

And Spike did explain some of your
> requirements for this communication.  Again - please allow me to say
> that it is *not* my goal to perform the curse.  To begin with, I haven't
> the ability.  I've the skills for minor magics only.  Secondly, I don't
> *desire* to perform the curse. Angel is already souled.  I see no call
> to try to fix what isn't broken.  I only want to attempt to understand
> what *is*.

What is broken? Where do you want me to start the list?

> Thirdly, if such a time came that the curse *did* need to be performed -
> for Angel's sake, perhaps - I must say that you are the only person I
> would ever think of to ask such a thing.  While it is quite true that
> there are witches for hire - even a few living in the Los Angeles area -
> I would never trust a one of them with something this important.  Truly
> I would only ask you.

I might even say yes. For Angel's sake.

> > But I need to know what's going on. Tara's a big help with the
> > magickal energies, but she doesn't really understand the whole Angel
> > deal, and I guess you must, by now.
> 
> I suppose we could dare say I've developed a familiarity with it, if
> nothing else.

Yeah, there's that. But frankly, even so, if Giles were in the mood to
talk about this, I wouldn't see any reason for you and me to have this
conversation. Or any conversation. He can translate the curse, he knows at
least the basic outlines of Angel's deal, and ... he's Giles. But now he's
gone all stiff and strange, and doesn't want to discuss anything about
Angel and the curse except how reckless he's being. Hello, true, but not
useful. Can we get a Plan B over here? 

> > And Spike says you speak about eighty zillion
> > languages fluently. Too bad American's not one of them.
> 
> Californian is a tricky dialect.

And yet, thousands of immigrants seem to manage every year.

> > So. I trust you about as far as I can throw New Hampshire.
> 
> But not Texas?

I've never tried to throw Texas. I have a bad back.

> > But if you solemnly swear by ... I don't know, something solemn and
> > Britishy -- Margaret Thatcher? -- that you won't get actually attempt
> > to *do* anything, I guess you can try.
> 
> By tea and crumpets and the BBC?  By my university degree?  By my
> book collection?

That last one might work. I know how serious an oath that would be for me.
Although I've discovered lately there are things even worth mutiliating a
book for. And high school Willow would hit me over the head with a 50 lb.
backpack for saying such a thing. Not to mention Giles.

> Willow, I - I tread lightly here, for fear of saying too much and
> closing what little opening Spike has been kind enough to create for me
> but... We are speaking of something which - which I have given up my
> life for, and very well might do again.

Ever seen the Princess Bride? No good, I've known too many Spaniards. 

In other words -- and you do like other words, don't you? -- that would
mean more to me if I didn't already know how very willing you were to give
up lives. Buffy's. Mine. Angel's, in the old days. I'm sure I could add to
the list if I bothered to take the time to do the research. Sorry, Wesley.
You want me to trust you, first show me you'll sacrifice something you
*value*. Which means you'd first have to show me that there *is* something
you value, apart from rules and regulations and the proper behavior to be
expected of someone in your position.

  I respect your feelings.  I know that in the
> grand scheme of things you and Buffy and everyone else probably trust
> and admire Spike far more than you ever could me. 

Probably not Xander. You haven't actually killed anybody he knows yet. He
sets a lot of store by stuff like that. But as far as I go -- Yes. No
comparision. His job was to kill Buffy, but he *offered* himself to the
curse for Buffy's sake. Your job was to take care of her, and you wouldn't
even stand up to the Council. And I really don't care whether you respect
my feelings, Wesley. You gave up the right to judge them a long time ago.

 But if you ask me
> to swear, ask me to promise you not to do something foolish or
> something like what you would have expected of Wesley Wyndam-
> Pryce - "Princess Margaret" - the Watcher who screams like a girl.... I
> can only beg that you understand all that has transpired.  Not agree
> with it - I wouldn't be so ignorant or vulgar as to ask that,
> particularly of you of all people - but again to understand the oath
> that I would swear. It is on my heart and soul, Willow.  It - he - is
> everything to me.  I could not give you a greater promise than that.

No. I guess you couldn't. And I ... know how that feels. But I just don't
know if I can buy it coming from you. And no, not because you scream like
a girl, true as that is. Look. Angel left Buffy because he loved her, but
he knew they couldn't be together without destroying one or both of them.
Oz left me for the same reason. You know that's true for you and Angel,
but there you still are. And yeah, its none of my business. Not like I
*want* to think about your sex life. Ever. But when you bring it up as
some kind of proof of your selflessness -- I'm thinking no.

--Willow

***

To: Willow
From: Wesley

> Hi Wesley --

Willow.

> Hey, no problem. Email girl here, able to leap old grudges with a
> single keystroke. In person, not so much. 

I suppose that I can understand that.  Again - I do appreciate it.
Greatly.

> > It is my hope to perhaps try to translate the curse and see what
> > research I can do to discover the methodology behind it.  As I told
> > Spike, though, my skills with magic are very poor - moreso in
> > comparison to yours - so being able to speak with you and gain your
> > input would be of tremendous assistance.
> 
> Well, you're speaking. Which in do you want me to put?

I've a great deal of questions, if you don't mind.  To begin with, what do
you know of Ms. Calendar's methodology in recreating the curse?  Did she
have sources to work with or was she creating the spell on her own based
on what she knew of it?  I also noticed that part of the spell is in
Latin. Was this her addition?

> > Of our collective group I feel that you and I might stand the best
> > chance of understanding the entire problem.  I - I know that you have
> > no reason to think of me... well, at all, let alone with any form of
> > kindness, but perhaps if we could approach the curse with a sort of
> > "enemy of my enemy" attitude?  Ban together for the sake of a common
> > foe? That sort of thing?
> 
> Yeah. I guess. Except we don't really have a foe.

The foe of time, perhaps?  Of the ever-present word "yet"?  As in "Angel
hasn't lost the soul - yet"?

> > > Why is *Spike* writing to you?
> > 
> > I sought out Spike's expertise as a vampire in the hopes of better
> > understanding what Angel was going through, particularly in regards to
> > - well. um. 
> 
> Spike is gay too? Boy, is Buffy gonna be surprised.

Er - no.  I - that is to say that's not why I sought Spike out.  I - I
make no claims as to knowing what Spike's sexuality may be.  For that
matter I don't particularly claim to know Angel's either, vampires being
what they are.  I - I meant only to say that *as* a vampire, particularly
a vampire with Spike's unique circumstances vis-a-vis the chip, I thought
that he might be able to offer some honest insight into the struggle that
Angel might be going through in his ongoing desire not to drink living
blood.  

> It's just... last time I ran off to do magicky things behind Buffy's
> back, major confusion ensued. Spike, curse, top hat and horses,
> collapsing, the whole enchilada. Or at least half an enchilada, since
> nobody actually died. And I pretty much decided never to do that again.

I'm sure it was nothing of your own volition, Willow.  You've remarkable
abilities.  At least, you appeared to when I saw you last. I can only
imagine how strong you've become in the past two years.

> Now I *can't* tell her this, because I've got a real strong hunch that
> the next person who says your name in her hearing is going to take a
> stake through the heart, and that kills humans too. Just a little less
> dustily. 

I know. I apologize for putting you in this difficult position.  If -
please, if this is against your honor, I will understand and bow out
gracefully.  

> So absolutely no confusion can come out of this, understand? Not even a
> tiny little bit of befuddlement. That means not just no full-on attempts
> to curse somebody in the wild. It means no controlled conditions, no
> partial recitations, no dry runs, no justifications that could ever
> under any circumstances be the first fifteen minutes of a horror movie. 

Agreed, and totally understood.

> > Secondly, I don't *desire*
> > to perform the curse. Angel is already souled.  I see no call to try
> > to fix what isn't broken.  I only want to attempt to understand what
> > *is*.
> 
> What is broken? 

"Is" in the sense of what the reality of the curse is. What went into it,
why does it work in the manner that it does. Etc.

> > Thirdly, if such a time came that the curse *did* need to be performed
> > - for Angel's sake, perhaps - I must say that you are the only person
> > I would ever think of to ask such a thing.  While it is quite true
> > that there are witches for hire - even a few living in the Los Angeles
> > area - I would never trust a one of them with something this
> > important.  Truly I would only ask you.
> 
> I might even say yes. For Angel's sake.

Thank you.  

> > I suppose we could dare say I've developed a familiarity with it, if
> > nothing else.
> 
> Yeah, there's that. But frankly, even so, if Giles were in the mood to
> talk about this, I wouldn't see any reason for you and me to have this
> conversation. Or any conversation. He can translate the curse, he knows
> at least the basic outlines of Angel's deal, and ... he's Giles.

Very true. But with all due respect to Mr. Giles he has not been around
Angel for years.  Granted you performed the curse again three years ago,
but it is only lately that we have discovered new aspects of it, such as
the admittedly vulgar fact that perfect happiness does not, shall we say,
lie wholly in the physical realm.  This is information which I can and
would be happy to provide you - er, that is to say as it pertains to the
curse and the limitations or lack therein.  Not, that is... Er. I hope you
get my point.

> But now he's gone all stiff and strange, and doesn't want to discuss
> anything about Angel and the curse except how reckless he's being.
> Hello, true, but not useful. Can we get a Plan B over here? 

This is entirely a guess on my part, Willow, but it could be that Mr.
Giles's hands are tied by his renewed employment with the Watchers. The
Council under no circumstances desires to help Angel, Spike, or any other
vampire.  If Mr. Giles is refusing to speak with you about it, it might be
his attempt to perform what act of compassion he can - by not getting
involved at all, he ensures that Buffy and Angel can attempt to deal with
the problem however they desire without the Council's interference.  This
may also be at the heart of Mr. Giles's desire to, if forced to deal with
the problem, deal with it by essentially putting Angel in a box.  At least
then Angel would still be in California and near those who cared about
him, instead of dead or locked in some Watcher laborotory.

I, on the other hand, no longer work for the Council nor do I give a
tinker's damn about them.  As I have already told Spike, I am still in
possession of at least some of my Watcher library and have supplemented it
greatly in the past couple of years with my own book purchases.  Whatever
information I can provide you with, Willow, you are more than welcome to. 
You've only to ask. 

> > Californian is a tricky dialect.
> 
> And yet, thousands of immigrants seem to manage every year.

Proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are far cleverer than I.

> > > So. I trust you about as far as I can throw New Hampshire.
> > 
> > But not Texas?
> 
> I've never tried to throw Texas. I have a bad back.

But theoretically if you *could* throw Texas, would you use that as a
measurement of your lack of trust in me or are you content in your choice
of one of the original, geographically smaller, thirteen colonies?

> > By tea and crumpets and the BBC?  By my university degree?  By my book
> > collection?
> 
> That last one might work. I know how serious an oath that would be for
> me. Although I've discovered lately there are things even worth
> mutiliating a book for. And high school Willow would hit me over the
> head with a 50 lb. backpack for saying such a thing. Not to mention
> Giles. 

I can understand that. On all counts.

> > Willow, I - I tread lightly here, for fear of saying too much and
> > closing what little opening Spike has been kind enough to create for
> > me but... We are speaking of something which - which I have given up
> > my life for, and very well might do again.
> 
> Ever seen the Princess Bride? No good, I've known too many Spaniards. 

I'm sorry, I can't say I'm familiar with the film.

> In other words -- and you do like other words, don't you? -- that would
> mean more to me if I didn't already know how very willing you were to
> give up lives. Buffy's. Mine. Angel's, in the old days.

I don't deny any of the charges. I can only say that I understand what I
did and that I do not look back on my time in Sunnydale with any
particular pride in my actions. 

> Sorry, Wesley. You want me to trust you, first show me you'll sacrifice
> something you *value*. Which means you'd first have to show me that
> there *is* something you value, apart from rules and regulations and the
> proper behavior to be expected of someone in your position. 

I would do this gladly, yet I fear this is only something that could be
done with time.  I was greatly tempted to rattle a list off for you - tell
you all that I have done in the past year, all that has changed - but then
I realized such a list would be meaningless.  You don't know me very well.
 You know the man I was - a rather prattish fellow who believed his
Watcher oaths meant that he could save the world.  Meant that he was
right, beyond all questioning.  I am not that man anymore, Willow, but
writing those words to you is an empty gesture.  I'm aware that I could
write anything to you.  You've no cause to believe in it.

I can only hope, then, that my actions speak for themselves.  And that you
will do me the generosity of allowing me the chance to show my actions,
and judge them however you wish.

> And I really don't care whether you respect my feelings, Wesley. You
> gave up the right to judge them a long time ago. 

I understand. Forgive me. I meant no disrespect in the comment.

Sincerely,
Wesley

***

From: wofthew@us.sunnydale.edu
To: stakebait@hotmail.com

Hi Spike-- 

Heard back from Wesley. Either I am completely dizzy from mugwort fumes,
or he made a joke. Twice. Not to mention various and sundry grovels. Are
you *sure* that was the right email address you gave me?

--Will

P.S. Real subtle email address you've got there yourself.
Killmenowaskmehow@hotmail.com was taken?

***

From: stakebait@hotmail.com
To: wofthew@uc.sunnydale.edu

Hey Red -

Yeah, I'm sure. Dunno what he was like in his Watcher days - except he
says he was horrid -- but he makes quite a few jokes now. And I think he
mostly grovels when he's nervous. Are you gonna help him? No pressure, but
I have to admit I'm curious to know what turned me back into Clark Kent of
the Victorian era. And quit smokin' that mugwort, you'll be a bad
influence on Dawn.

--the other Will

P.S. Too long. And didn't you forget the first w on yours?

***

To: stakebait@hotmail.com
From: wofthew@uc.sunnydale.edu

Compared to you, who teaches her to pick locks and snoop through other
people's luggage? Yeah, I knew about that. Hello, witch here? I'll have
you know mugwort is a perfectly natural herbal substance. And Giles buys
organic. 

Wesley *was* horrid. About time he realized it. But yeah, I'll help him,
if he quits the British babble long enough to actually ask me a question.
If you think he means well, I guess I'll take your word for it, since
you're not exactly the most trusting guy on the block. Even though the
block is pretty much all cemetery. 

But as for follow through, his track record is right up there with Wiley
Coyote's. So if he so much as chants the first line of this thing and
calls up somethin' nasty, it is so you who are explaining all this to
Buffy, while Tara and I take a nice long and complete
un-suspicious-looking vacation someplace warm and sunny. And when did you
start going by Will?

--Will

***

P.S. Wise? Wonderful? Web-enabled? What *were* you thinking of? 'Cause I
know you didn't just insult me while you're asking for a favor.

***

To: wofthew@uc.sunnydale.edu 
From: stakebait@hotmail.com

Yeah, you put a hair across the lock to see if someone moved it. Real
magickal. Might have worked too if your hair wasn't the color of bleedin'
blood. You thought it got replaced with one of mine by accident? 

Yeah, I'll tell the Slayer if anyone has to. You can always say I
kidnapped you again and made you do it. And then Buffy will send me to
join you two lovebirds for a sunbathe. Bring hot dogs to cook out over my
flaming corpse.

--Spike, then (When I was eight. Didn't completely switch to William till
I got fangified. Will the Bloody doesn't scan)

P.S. Not an insult comin' from me, Red. I'm evil, remember? Evil and
Wicked are mates.

***

To: stakebait@hotmail.com 
From: wofthew@uc.sunnydale.edu 

Hi Other Will (I was just asking. No big.)

Relax. Even if she does find out, Buffy may be pissy but she won't be
stakey. Anything that helps Angel is okay by her. I'll talk to Wesley the
Wonder Watcher, Buffy can stay on a need to know basis and we'll just make
sure she doesn't. It'll be of the good. But I'm not wicked, so I guess
we're not mates. And Tara doesn't eat hot dogs.

-- Will

***

To: wofthew@uc.sunnydale.edu
From: stakebait@hotmail.com

Marshmallows, then. Everybody eats those. Even me.

--Spike

***

To: stakebait@hotmail.com
From: wofthew@uc.sunnydale.edu

You're a very strange vampire. You know that, right?

--W.

***

To: wofthew@uc.sunnydale.edu
From: stakebait@hotmail.com

It's been said.

--Spike

***

To: Wesley
From: Willow

> I've a great deal of questions, if you don't mind.  To begin with, what
> do you know of Ms. Calendar's methodology in recreating the curse?  Did
> she have sources to work with or was she creating the spell on her own
> based on what she knew of it?  I also noticed that part of the spell is
> in Latin. Was this her addition?

Her notes said the transliteration annals for the ritual of the undead
were lost. Without the annals, the surviving text is gibberish. So Ms.
Calendar wrote a computer program to translate the Rumanian liturgy to
English based on a random sampling of the text. I have the surviving text.
I even have the computer program. But honestly I have no idea why that
would work. 

I mean I know you can search for the most common word and its probably
the, and all that Rosetta stone stuff, but its not like nobody knows how
to speak Rumanian. This isn't so much a translation problem as a
codebreaking one. So why would her program work? Or more to the point, why
would it help?

Anyway. Since it apparently did work, whether I understand it or not, I
really don't want to broadcast this information to whoever can intercept
an email. But if you download PGP and set it to military grade encryption,
send me your public key and I'll send you a copy of her program and a .tif
of the "surviving text". But it's gibberish all right. It's like
heiroglyphs turned into pig latin and then into Morse code.

I think she added the Latin. I'm not sure why, though. Maybe because it
was a litergy, so she used another liturgical language to keep the feel of
the reconstruction as close as possible to the whole incense and dozey
chanting vibe?

> > Yeah. I guess. Except we don't really have a foe.

> The foe of time, perhaps?  Of the ever-present word "yet"?  As in "Angel
> hasn't lost the soul - yet"?

There's that.

> > Spike is gay too? Boy, is Buffy gonna be surprised.
> 
> Er - no.  I - that is to say that's not why I sought Spike out.  I - I
> make no claims as to knowing what Spike's sexuality may be.  For that
> matter I don't particularly claim to know Angel's either, vampires being
> what they are.  

Um, yeah. Being vampires. Recovering humans. With demons inside that make
them drink blood and need really high SPF sunscreen. But we know they have
sex. Okay, you better than most, but the point remains: they have sex,
they have self-awareness, sex plus self-awareness equals sexuality. Yes no
maybe? And you don't know Angel's? Isn't he your boyfriend? A, don't you
two talk? And B, that's gotta eliminate at least one option.

I - I meant only to say that *as* a vampire, particularly a 
> vampire with Spike's unique circumstances vis-a-vis the chip, I thought
> that he might be able to offer some honest insight into the struggle
> that Angel might be going through in his ongoing desire not to drink
> living blood.  

Oh, I see. Did he? He's not so much for the honest insight around here.
More for the snide remark.

> > It's just... last time I ran off to do magicky things behind Buffy's
> > back, major confusion ensued. Spike, curse, top hat and horses,
> > collapsing, the whole enchilada. Or at least half an enchilada, since
> > nobody actually died. And I pretty much decided never to do that
> > again.

> I'm sure it was nothing of your own volition, Willow.  You've remarkable
> abilities.  At least, you appeared to when I saw you last. I can only
> imagine how strong you've become in the past two years.

Pod people much? That was a compliment. Distinctly. On my witchery. And
right after I admitted to a, a less-than-perfect spell performance record.
Who are you and what have you done with the real Wesley?

Seriously, you don't need to be flattery watcher guy. It's creepy. If I
help, I help for Angel. And Spike. Besides, it might have been my fault.
Or not my fault fault, exactly, but something I did. Or -- or didn't do.
My Will Be Done spell didn't work so good, even if I did get a job offer
with immortality benefits out of it. I had to bake a lot of cookies for
that one.

Anyway, when I did the curse on Angel I started out with the Latin because
I have more of a clue how to say it, and then got all posessed in the
middle by a spirit that spoke Rumanian instead. (I still don't know if
that was Ms. Calendar or the original gypsy that cursed Angel. Or someone
else entirely.) For Spike, I did it on my own. Maybe that makes a
difference. Maybe you have to be a gypsy to do it.

Or maybe I just pronounced something wrong. Or used herbs that were
stronger or weaker than last time. I had to reconstruct Ms. Calendar's
reconstruction from memory. I switched languages the same time as last
time, because I didn't want to mess with what worked. Anyway, I'm pretty
sure I got the words right -- hearing them come out of my own mouth isn't
something I'm likely to forget. It was the first time I felt all this
power running through me, all shivery and silver. 

But check them with Cordelia -- she was there, burning the stinky weeds
for me over my craftmatic adjustable bed. I'll tell you, its not easy to
get the right air of confident resolve in a hospital gown that opens down
the back. 

> > Now I *can't* tell her this, because I've got a real strong hunch that
> > the next person who says your name in her hearing is going to take a
> > stake through the heart, and that kills humans too. Just a little less
> > dustily. 
> 
> I know. I apologize for putting you in this difficult position.  If -
> please, if this is against your honor, I will understand and bow out
> gracefully.  

My honor? God you're British. But -- yeah, maybe it is against my honor to
decieve a friend, even if I'm not actually lying in Technicality World.
Certainly it's against my better judgment. But -- I know Buffy. She
doesn't *want* to have to know stuff. Not like me. And if it's useful...
sometimes honor and judgment both are luxuries we don't have.

> > So absolutely no confusion can come out of this, understand? Not even
> > a tiny little bit of befuddlement. That means not just no full-on
> > attempts to curse somebody in the wild. It means no controlled
> > conditions, no partial recitations, no dry runs, no justifications
> > that could ever under any circumstances be the first fifteen minutes
> > of a horror movie. 
> 
> Agreed, and totally understood.

Then we're good.

> "Is" in the sense of what the reality of the curse is. What went into
> it, why does it work in the manner that it does. Etc.

Oh, I see. Yeah, sounds like a happy little list of questions. Any
theories so far?

> > > Thirdly, if such a time came that the curse *did* need to be
> > > performed - for Angel's sake, perhaps - I must say that you are the
> > > only person I would ever think of to ask such a thing.  While it is
> > > quite true that there are witches for hire - even a few living in
> > > the Los Angeles area - I would never trust a one of them with
> > > something this important.  Truly I would only ask you.
> > 
> > I might even say yes. For Angel's sake.
> 
> Thank you.  

And just in case I'm trapped under something heavy at the time... you
could ask my sweetie, Tara. She's a witch too, and a good one. She knows
tons more about this stuff than I do, even though she says I'm more
powerful than she is. I just think she doesn't have enough self-confidence
yet. Anyway, her email address is halfcamel@uc.sunnydale.edu. But don't
bug her unless its an emergency.

> Very true. But with all due respect to Mr. Giles

Well that's new.

 he has not been around 
> Angel for years.  Granted you performed the curse again three years ago,
> but it is only lately that we have discovered new aspects of it, such as
> the admittedly vulgar fact that perfect happiness does not, shall we
> say, lie wholly in the physical realm.  This is information which I can
> and would be happy to provide you - er, that is to say as it pertains to
> the curse and the limitations or lack therein.  Not, that is... Er. I
> hope you get my point.

I get it. I also got the reader's digest condensed version of what
happened in England while me and Tara were making with the tourist stuff.
What else should I know?

> > But now he's gone all stiff and strange, and doesn't want to discuss
> > anything about Angel and the curse except how reckless he's being.
> > Hello, true, but not useful. Can we get a Plan B over here? 
> 
> This is entirely a guess on my part, Willow, but it could be that Mr.
> Giles's hands are tied by his renewed employment with the Watchers. The
> Council under no circumstances desires to help Angel, Spike, or any
> other vampire.  If Mr. Giles is refusing to speak with you about it, it
> might be his attempt to perform what act of compassion he can - by not
> getting involved at all, he ensures that Buffy and Angel can attempt to
> deal with the problem however they desire without the Council's
> interference.  This may also be at the heart of Mr. Giles's desire to,
> if forced to deal with the problem, deal with it by essentially putting
> Angel in a box.  At least then Angel would still be in California and
> near those who cared about him, instead of dead or locked in some
> Watcher laborotory.

Maybe. But I don't think Giles would let the Council stop him from helping
Buffy. He never has before. He could always quit again. The magic shop
makes a decent living, if you believe Anya. I think he just doesn't know
what to do. And he's not willing to take risks to find out. He wanted to
lock Spike up too -- we did lock Spike up, for a while -- and then he
wanted Buffy not to practice with him. And, well, Giles liked Ms. Calendar
a lot. And we've got a lot of other stuff going on right now. I think
Giles feels like if Angel won't cooperate by preventing the risks, we're
not going to let his problems interfere with our priorities. After all,
there is an easy solution to the reappearance of Angelus.

> I, on the other hand, no longer work for the Council nor do I give a
> tinker's damn about them.  As I have already told Spike, I am still in
> possession of at least some of my Watcher library and have supplemented
> it greatly in the past couple of years with my own book purchases. 
> Whatever information I can provide you with, Willow, you are more than
> welcome to.  You've only to ask. 

I don't know what to ask. Did Spike tell you what we found that made us
think he might have a soul himself? And that's why the curse didn't work
on him? Do you know anything else about the case of that demon guy?

> Proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are far cleverer than I.

If it still required proof.

> > > > So. I trust you about as far as I can throw New Hampshire.
> > > 
> > > But not Texas?
> > 
> > I've never tried to throw Texas. I have a bad back.
> 
> But theoretically if you *could* throw Texas, would you use that as a
> measurement of your lack of trust in me or are you content in your
> choice of one of the original, geographically smaller, thirteen
> colonies?

I'm okay with New Hampshire. You did try to stop the Mayor, even if that
didn't work so well. Angel seems to like you. Spike, even, seems to like
you, and he doesn't like anybody except Buffy and her family. And I'm
pretty sure you even made a joke in there somewhere. There must be
somebody I trust less that you -- I'll save Texas for them.

> > Ever seen the Princess Bride? No good, I've known too many Spaniards. 
> 
> I'm sorry, I can't say I'm familiar with the film.

Good movie. Very funny. Rent it some time. This guy is offering his enemy
oaths that he'll help him climb up a cliff safely, even though they're
going to fight to the death at the top. The first guy says "I could give
you my word as a Spaniard." and the hero replies "No good. I've known too
many Spaniards." I guess I could have said I've known too many Wesleys.
But it doesn't really scan.

> > In other words -- and you do like other words, don't you? -- that
> > would mean more to me if I didn't already know how very willing you
> > were to give up lives. Buffy's. Mine. Angel's, in the old days.
> 
> I don't deny any of the charges. I can only say that I understand what I
> did and that I do not look back on my time in Sunnydale with any
> particular pride in my actions. 

You may understand what you did. I still don't. And I don't really care
to, to tell you the truth. Seems to me like you owe an apology to a hell
of a lot of people. The kind where you don't expect them to say its okay
back. But that's not my business or my problem. We don't have to like each
other to get this done.

> > Sorry, Wesley. You want me to trust you, first show me you'll
> > sacrifice something you *value*. Which means you'd first have to show
> > me that there *is* something you value, apart from rules and
> > regulations and the proper behavior to be expected of someone in your
> > position. 
> 
> I would do this gladly, yet I fear this is only something that could be
> done with time.  I was greatly tempted to rattle a list off for you -
> tell you all that I have done in the past year, all that has changed -
> but then I realized such a list would be meaningless.  You don't know me
> very well.  You know the man I was - a rather prattish fellow who
> believed his Watcher oaths meant that he could save the world.  Meant
> that he was right, beyond all questioning.  I am not that man anymore,
> Willow, but writing those words to you is an empty gesture.  I'm aware
> that I could write anything to you.  You've no cause to believe in it.

Good, 'cause I don't. You are that man. Doesn't mean you might not be
someone else too. I'd be curious to hear what you've been doing in the
past year, if it makes such an impressive list. I've changed a lot too --
not like I don't know what that's like. And at least one of those changes
we have in common. But you're still the sum of all your actions, not just
the ones you feel like counting, just like I'm still nerdy freshman Willow
and ten year old pushed Xander out of the treehouse and broke his ankle
Willow. You're not a snake to shed your skin and be someone completely
new. If change is real, its gradual. And if its gonna last, its got to be
built on everything that went before it.

But -- that said -- I have a little cause. The old Wesley wouldn't have
bothered to say any of that. Wouldn't even have believed that I could have
anything to offer worth the trouble of lying to me for it, let alone
explaining himself. 

> I can only hope, then, that my actions speak for themselves.  And that
> you will do me the generosity of allowing me the chance to show my
> actions, and judge them however you wish.

This doesn't mean you get a get out of jail free card for your *past*
actions. But -- yeah. Okay. Show me what you got.

--Willow

***

To: Willow
From: Wesely

> I mean I know you can search for the most common word and its probably
> the, and all that Rosetta stone stuff, but its not like nobody knows how
> to speak Rumanian.

I know a little. However I'm hardly fluent.

> This isn't so much a translation problem as a codebreaking one. So why
> would her program work? Or more to the point, why would it help? 

It's a process of a few steps.  The first would be to take the original
characters if possible - and it is with Rumanian, far moreso than, say,
Chinese calligraphy - and put them into a more modern form of alphabet. In
much the same way that moving from Roman numerals to Arabic ones allows
one to perform long division far more easily on a piece of paper it is
then possible for one to take this modern representation of the text and
attempt to - as you say - apply codebreaking skills to it.

The use of a random sampling of the text is to pick up on patterns of
speech.  A computer could, theoretically, quickly locate and identify
common themes and from this extrapolate what is a verb, a noun, etc.

This would be an entirely separate program.  If I were, say, to have
copies of every term paper you have written in the past year I could feed
them to such a program, have the program analyze it, and then turn out a
term paper of its own which, barring a few undoubtedly contextually
humorous errors, would for all intents and purposes sound exactly like a
paper written by Willow Rosenberg.

Of course the final problem would be the understanding of the words, which
is when one attempts to use some form of Rosetta Stone to apply meaning to
it all.  This can be done through various methods such as having a Rosetta
Stone itself or by understanding the culture that the text is coming from.
What do they care about? How do they prioritize things? How do they refer
to the self? To the universe? To the things that are around them?

It's been said that to understand a culture you must understand what it
eats but I've always felt that you can understand a culture via its
language.

Er - anyway.  Ms. Calendar, being of the culture herself, most likely
thought that if she could find the pattern in how the spell was created
she could apply her knowledge and attempt to translate the source material
into a workable spell.

> Anyway. Since it apparently did work, whether I understand it or not, I
> really don't want to broadcast this information to whoever can intercept
> an email. But if you download PGP and set it to military grade
> encryption, send me your public key and I'll send you a copy of her
> program and a .tif of the "surviving text". But it's gibberish all
> right. It's like heiroglyphs turned into pig latin and then into Morse
> code. 

I would love to see it. Thank you. I'll do that accordingly.

> I think she added the Latin.

Fascinating.

> I'm not sure why, though. Maybe because it was a litergy, so she used
> another liturgical language to keep the feel of the reconstruction as
> close as possible to the whole incense and dozey chanting vibe? 

Entirely possible.  Which brings us to a question I've been pondering
since seeing a copy of the Curse itself, specifically what is the role of
the castor in all this? How much of the person's own energies are put into
the spell (and perhaps you could shed light on this from when you cast it
upon Spike?) and how are those energies shaped.  

The original would not have been Latin - though of course we both knew
that already - so did Ms. Calendar feel that the Latin translation served
a purpose - as you say, to keep it in a liturgical language of some sort -
or was it a matter of personal preference? Was most of her experience with
spell casting of a Latin bent and therefore she felt more comfortable with
it? Felt that she would know how to properly speak the words that way?

> Um, yeah. Being vampires. Recovering humans. With demons inside that
> make them drink blood and need really high SPF sunscreen. But we know
> they have sex. Okay, you better than most, but the point remains: they
> have sex, they have self-awareness, sex plus self-awareness equals
> sexuality. Yes no maybe? And you don't know Angel's? Isn't he your
> boyfriend? A, don't you two talk? And B, that's gotta eliminate at least
> one option. 

You sound like Cordelia - although she didn't choose the same words 
that you did to make the same point.  I'll spare you the ones she did
pick.  

As for your question - I don't know.  It simply feels strange to me to
apply such labels to - to those who are that old and outside of human
labeling to begin with.  I can look at myself and recognize sexuality, but
to think the same of a vampire?   As I've said, strange.

> I - I meant only to say that *as* a vampire, particularly a 
> > vampire with Spike's unique circumstances vis-a-vis the chip, I
> > thought that he might be able to offer some honest insight into the
> > struggle that Angel might be going through in his ongoing desire not
> > to drink living blood.  
> 
> Oh, I see. Did he? He's not so much for the honest insight around here.
> More for the snide remark.

He provided useful information, yes.  Certainly a few things to think
about.  It was - perhaps I've said this already - but it was a part of
that conversation which introduced me to the idea of Spike's possibly
having a soul.

> > I'm sure it was nothing of your own volition, Willow.  You've
> > remarkable abilities.  At least, you appeared to when I saw you last.
> > I can only imagine how strong you've become in the past two years.
> 
> Pod people much? That was a compliment. Distinctly. On my witchery. And
> right after I admitted to a, a less-than-perfect spell performance
> record. Who are you and what have you done with the real Wesley? 

I would suggest having buried him somewhere, but your later comments
rather negate the idea.

> Seriously, you don't need to be flattery watcher guy. It's creepy.

I'm sorry.  I am only attempting to be honest.  I know that I - I'm not
the sort of person one would credit with any people skills.  And I do not,
as you say, speak Californian very well.  I didn't intend to cross a line.

> If I help, I help for Angel. And Spike. Besides, it might have been my
> fault. Or not my fault fault, exactly, but something I did. Or -- or
> didn't do. My Will Be Done spell didn't work so good, even if I did get
> a job offer with immortality benefits out of it. I had to bake a lot of
> cookies for that one. 

Er - should I ask?

> Anyway, when I did the curse on Angel I started out with the Latin
> because I have more of a clue how to say it, and then got all posessed
> in the middle by a spirit that spoke Rumanian instead. (I still don't
> know if that was Ms. Calendar or the original gypsy that cursed Angel.
> Or someone else entirely.) For Spike, I did it on my own. Maybe that
> makes a difference. Maybe you have to be a gypsy to do it. 

Interesting.  By middle do you mean the exact middle?  Do you - forgive
me, I don't mean any slight here - but do you know Latin?  Enough to know
if the spirit spoke differently?  It might have "felt" like different
wording to you.

Possession. Very interesting.  It's a completely different set of
energies, of course, but the question is where you still being used as the
instrument through which the energies were channeled or were you - and it
- instead manipulating the energies that were around you?

I'm also sticking on a reference here to the Gods.  Gypsy gods? Any?  Is
it a general blessing for the curse or a key part of it?  

Could you describe what the energies felt like when you performed the
curse for Angel?

> Or maybe I just pronounced something wrong. Or used herbs that were
> stronger or weaker than last time.

Well the herbs - if I am reading what I have so far correctly - seem to be
more for the purposes of preparing the area.  A few are for the sake of
protection.  There's some for binding (I'm sure you're familiar with that
without my having to say so, I'm only speaking to ensure that we're on the
same page).  I believe it's to bind the soul or the vampire or both.  

But as far as the freshness goes, it's all very immediate.  They are for
the moment of the casting and not for the casting itself, if you see my
meaning.

Pronouncing something wrong - well, that could be a problem.  But even
there it would depend greatly upon what role the words have in the spell
itself.  Given the ability to cast the spell in Latin one would suspect
that it's not as important as one would immediately think.

> I had to reconstruct Ms. Calendar's reconstruction from memory. I
> switched languages the same time as last time, because I didn't want to
> mess with what worked. 

A good idea.

> Anyway, I'm pretty sure I got the words right -- hearing them come out
> of my own mouth isn't something I'm likely to forget. It was the first
> time I felt all this power running through me, all shivery and silver. 

Silver - good energy, possibly holy...

> > I know. I apologize for putting you in this difficult position.  If -
> > please, if this is against your honor, I will understand and bow out
> > gracefully.  
> 
> My honor? God you're British.

The foppish mannerisms hadn't made that clear?

> But -- yeah, maybe it is against my honor
> to decieve a friend, even if I'm not actually lying in Technicality
> World. Certainly it's against my better judgment. But -- I know Buffy.
> She doesn't *want* to have to know stuff. Not like me. And if it's
> useful... sometimes honor and judgment both are luxuries we don't have. 

I can appreciate that.

> > "Is" in the sense of what the reality of the curse is. What went into
> > it, why does it work in the manner that it does. Etc.
> 
> Oh, I see. Yeah, sounds like a happy little list of questions. Any
> theories so far?

A few, although not for those questions.  Of course Angel believes very
strongly in the words of "Perfect Happiness" and does not feel that the
trigger has changed at all - which is to say you performed the curse
perfectly.  I was inclined to feel the same way - even if Angel and I
disagree on how to define perfect happiness or even the lack of it -
but... the conversation in England has given me pause.  And the thought
that Spike may have a soul - and could not maintain the curse when it was
given to him - has also given me pause.  

Shows one the error of making assumptions, I suppose.

> And just in case I'm trapped under something heavy at the time... you
> could ask my sweetie, Tara. She's a witch too, and a good one.

I've - I've heard mention of her.  I regret not - I was going to say not
meeting her in England when there was a chance, but given all that
happened I suppose it's for the best.

I... Please don't be offended but I would like to - to offer good will, on
behalf of your new relationship.  I would say congratulations except that
I do recall how close you were to Oz.  It's just... perhaps I'm presuming
too much and if I am I *am* sorry but... I feel I might understand, a
little, of what the past years might have been like in your end of the
world and as - as someone who has gone thought something similar
himself...

Forgive me. I'm - it's not my place.

> She knows tons more about this stuff than I do, even though she says I'm
> more powerful than she is. I just think she doesn't have enough
> self-confidence yet. Anyway, her email address is
> halfcamel@uc.sunnydale.edu. But don't bug her unless its an emergency. 

Thank you.  I'll keep the address in a safe location.

> > Very true. But with all due respect to Mr. Giles
> 
> Well that's new.

I have come to understand his point of view on certain matters far better
than once I did.

> I get it. I also got the reader's digest condensed version of what
> happened in England while me and Tara were making with the tourist
> stuff. What else should I know? 

Er - that's hard for me to say without knowing what the condensed 
version was for you.  If you could perhaps tell me what you were told
about - about relations here in Los Angeles?

> Maybe. But I don't think Giles would let the Council stop him from
> helping Buffy. He never has before. He could always quit again. 

Quite true.  However the Council has become - or perhaps it always was and
is only just now showing it - far more agressive than it was in the past. 
I do not know the circumstances underwhich Mr. Giles was hired again but
if his goal is to protect Buffy from anyone - including the Council if
need be - then keeping as little contact between himself and such
disapproved of elements as Spike and Angel would be the best course of
action.  The Council may not yet know about Spike's relationship to Buffy,
or the possibility of Angel's soul not being under the same constraints as
once it was, and if Mr. Giles was to involve himself he may - however
inadvertently - put that information into their hands.

The Council can be quite sticky, and Mr. Giles has spent more time 
with it than I have.  I'm sure he would be aware of this.

> I think he just doesn't know what to do. 

Given his history with Angel, this is understandable as well.

> > I, on the other hand, no longer work for the Council nor do I give a
> > tinker's damn about them.  As I have already told Spike, I am still in
> > possession of at least some of my Watcher library and have
> > supplemented it greatly in the past couple of years with my own book
> > purchases.  Whatever information I can provide you with, Willow, you
> > are more than welcome to.  You've only to ask. 
> 
> I don't know what to ask. 

The offer is open at any time. For any matter.

> Did Spike tell you what we found that made us think he might have a soul
> himself? And that's why the curse didn't work on him? Do you know
> anything else about the case of that demon guy? 

I've been attempting to look into the original material.  As I told Spike,
there may be potentially useful information in how the original text used
the word "soul".  I'm hoping to find the text and do the translation
myself to see. I'll keep you updated if I've any luck.  Getting one's
hands on original Church documents, though, is rather tricky without my
Watcher connections.  I shall do my best, however.

> > But theoretically if you *could* throw Texas, would you use that as a
> > measurement of your lack of trust in me or are you content in your
> > choice of one of the original, geographically smaller, thirteen
> > colonies?
> 
> I'm okay with New Hampshire.

I hear it's quite lovely in the fall.

> You did try to stop the Mayor, even if that didn't work so well. 

"Ineptly to the point of comedic proportions" is I think the phrase you
were looking for there.  

> Angel seems to like you. Spike, even, seems to like you, and he doesn't
> like anybody except Buffy and her family. And I'm pretty sure you even
> made a joke in there somewhere. There must be somebody I trust less that
> you -- I'll save Texas for them. 

Thank you.

> > I don't deny any of the charges. I can only say that I understand what
> > I did and that I do not look back on my time in Sunnydale with any
> > particular pride in my actions. 
> 
> You may understand what you did. I still don't.

Forgive me. I meant to say I understand in the sense that you described -
owing many apologies that do not and will not receive forgiveness.

> > I would do this gladly, yet I fear this is only something that could
> > be done with time.  I was greatly tempted to rattle a list off for you
> > - tell you all that I have done in the past year, all that has changed
> > - but then I realized such a list would be meaningless.  You don't
> > know me very well.  You know the man I was - a rather prattish fellow
> > who believed his Watcher oaths meant that he could save the world. 
> > Meant that he was right, beyond all questioning.  I am not that man
> > anymore, Willow, but writing those words to you is an empty gesture. 
> > I'm aware that I could write anything to you.  You've no cause to
> > believe in it.
> 
> Good, 'cause I don't. You are that man.

Pardon me but - in a very specific case no I am not.  I do not deny that
all I have done has brought me to where I am, good and bad.  But if you'll
note my choice of terms I would please like it to be clear that Wesley
Wyndam-Pryce, the man who "believed his Watcher oaths..." is *not* the
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce who is writing to you now.

Rather - there's nothing wrong with the oaths in and of themselves, but I
do *not* store my faith in the Watchers.  As I say, I do not dispute your
other assertions but I think perhaps we can agree that I can at least be
allowed to say I am no longer working for, with, or in accordance of the
Council.

Whether or not you feel that is a mark for or against me is entirely up to
you, of course.

> Doesn't mean you might not be someone else too. I'd be curious to hear
> what you've been doing in the past year, if it makes such an impressive
> list. 

Forgive me again - I hadn't meant to imply that in the past two years I've
done things which were so impressive.  Or things which are more impressive
than what you and the gang of Sunnydale have done.  Only - there have been
significant events in my own life.  We were speaking of oaths that would
matter to me, which made me think of events which were significant to me. 
That's all.  Beyond that... I help the helpless. 

>  But you're still the sum of all your actions, not just the ones you
> feel like counting, 

I agree.  Which is why I only ask the chance to add my ongoing actions
into the equation.  Of course there is always the chance that they shan't
balance out the whole.

> This doesn't mean you get a get out of jail free card for your *past*
> actions. But -- yeah. Okay. Show me what you got. 

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Wesley

***

To: Wesley
From: Willow

> I know a little. However I'm hardly fluent.

I think Ms. Calendar was, though. I know her family was.

> It's a process of a few steps.  The first would be to take the original
> characters if possible - and it is with Rumanian, far moreso than, say,
> Chinese calligraphy - and put them into a more modern form of alphabet.
> In much the same way that moving from Roman numerals to Arabic ones
> allows one to perform long division far more easily on a piece of paper
> it is then possible for one to take this modern representation of the
> text and attempt to - as you say - apply codebreaking skills to it.

This makes sense. I'm pretty sure those lost transliterations were into a
newer Rumanian, if not actually modern, from an older or more magickal
form. Or both. Which is something else it has in common with Latin, I
guess.

> The use of a random sampling of the text is to pick up on patterns of
> speech.  A computer could, theoretically, quickly locate and identify
> common themes and from this extrapolate what is a verb, a noun, etc.

This is the part I don't get. Once she's translated the old alphabet to a
more modern one, couldn't she or any other native speaker translate it
faster and more accurately?

> This would be an entirely separate program.  If I were, say, to have
> copies of every term paper you have written in the past year I could
> feed them to such a program, have the program analyze it, and then turn
> out a term paper of its own which, barring a few undoubtedly
> contextually humorous errors, would for all intents and purposes sound
> exactly like a paper written by Willow Rosenberg.

I've seen Web sites that do this with Dilbert style management babble or
psych talk. It's cute.

> Of course the final problem would be the understanding of the words,
> which is when one attempts to use some form of Rosetta Stone to apply
> meaning to it all.  This can be done through various methods such as
> having a Rosetta Stone itself or by understanding the culture that the
> text is coming from. What do they care about? How do they prioritize
> things? How do they refer to the self? To the universe? To the things
> that are around them?
> 
> It's been said that to understand a culture you must understand what it
> eats but I've always felt that you can understand a culture via its
> language.

Um, Wesley? Are we still on the curse? Cause why do I have the sudden
feeling of being high up in a slippery off white tower, and the air is
getting thin? We know who these people are. We know what was important to
them and what they wanted. Does it help?

> Er - anyway.  Ms. Calendar, being of the culture herself, most likely
> thought that if she could find the pattern in how the spell was created
> she could apply her knowledge and attempt to translate the source
> material into a workable spell.

And obviously it worked.

> I would love to see it. Thank you. I'll do that accordingly.

Its on its way.

> > I think she added the Latin.
> 
> Fascinating.

Is it? Why? I found it it kind of boring and, you know, latinate.

> Entirely possible.  Which brings us to a question I've been pondering
> since seeing a copy of the Curse itself, specifically what is the role
> of the castor in all this? How much of the person's own energies are put
> into the spell (and perhaps you could shed light on this from when you
> cast it upon Spike?) and how are those energies shaped.  

A lot of my own energies. So much that I couldn't manage it the first time
I tried for Angel. And I probably wouldn't have made it the second time,
either, if it weren't for Casper the Friendly Gypsy. By the time I tried
it for Spike, I was strong enough on my own -- or maybe I wasn't, since it
didn't work. But it not-worked in a different way from when it not-worked
with Angel. I could feel *something* happened.

> The original would not have been Latin - though of course we both knew
> that already - so did Ms. Calendar feel that the Latin translation
> served a purpose - as you say, to keep it in a liturgical language of
> some sort - or was it a matter of personal preference? Was most of her
> experience with spell casting of a Latin bent and therefore she felt
> more comfortable with it? Felt that she would know how to properly speak
> the words that way?

No clue. Sorry. She didn't put reasons in her notes, and she didn't
confide that stuff in me. Even before we knew she'd betrayed us -- she
trusted me to take over her class if she was late, but its not like we
used to do each other's hair and take the Cosmo quiz. She was a teacher.

> You sound like Cordelia - although she didn't choose the same words that
> you did to make the same point.  I'll spare you the ones she did pick.  

Good call. Sparing me Cordelia, always the better option. If I sound like
her, I'm probably wrong.

> As for your question - I don't know.  It simply feels strange to me to
> apply such labels to - to those who are that old and outside of human
> labeling to begin with.  I can look at myself and recognize sexuality,
> but to think the same of a vampire?   As I've said, strange.

I don't get this. What does age have to do with it? For that matter, some
vampires are younger that you are -- though obviously not Angel. And we
apply every other human label to them -- male, female, young, old, funny,
dull, smart, dumb. Why not this one? Still, I'm not the one that's dating
a vampire. What does he say?

> > Oh, I see. Did he? He's not so much for the honest insight around
> > here. More for the snide remark.
> 
> He provided useful information, yes.  Certainly a few things to think
> about.  It was - perhaps I've said this already - but it was a part of
> that conversation which introduced me to the idea of Spike's possibly
> having a soul.

Yeah. Working theory, anyway. Though if he does, it sure doesn't act like
Angel's.

> I'm sorry.  I am only attempting to be honest.  I know that I - I'm not
> the sort of person one would credit with any people skills.  And I do
> not, as you say, speak Californian very well.  I didn't intend to cross
> a line.

If you meant it, you didn't. Its just so different -- I figured you must
be buttering me up so I'd help out. And I'd rather be cholesterol free
Willow.

> > If I help, I help for Angel. And Spike. Besides, it might have been my
> > fault. Or not my fault fault, exactly, but something I did. Or -- or
> > didn't do. My Will Be Done spell didn't work so good, even if I did
> > get a job offer with immortality benefits out of it. I had to bake a
> > lot of cookies for that one. 
> 
> Er - should I ask?

It was right after Oz left. I was falling apart. I felt like half my self
was gone. I couldn't cope, and everyone was sick of my whining about it.
So I did a spell to make it all better. But I forgot -- I wanted to forget
-- that your will in Wicca isn't like making a birthday cake wish. It's
more like what you believe. 

So none of my wishes came true, but everything else I was saying did.
Giles went blind, and Buffy and Spike got engaged. And this was when they
hated each other. Anyway, Anya's old boss -- D'bufferin? Something like
that -- saw how much I was putting my friends through and offered me her
old job as a vengence demon. So I realized what I'd done and had to go
back and undo it. And then bake industrial strength quantities of cookies
to allieviate the massive guilt.

> > Anyway, when I did the curse on Angel I started out with the Latin
> > because I have more of a clue how to say it, and then got all posessed
> > in the middle by a spirit that spoke Rumanian instead. (I still don't
> > know if that was Ms. Calendar or the original gypsy that cursed Angel.
> > Or someone else entirely.) For Spike, I did it on my own. Maybe that
> > makes a difference. Maybe you have to be a gypsy to do it. 
> 
> Interesting.  By middle do you mean the exact middle?  Do you - forgive
> me, I don't mean any slight here - but do you know Latin?  Enough to
> know if the spirit spoke differently?  It might have "felt" like
> different wording to you.

The piece of paper I gave Spike is exactly what came out of my mouth.
Wherever it switched into Rumanian is where I did too. And yeah, I know a
little Latin, from various spells and Giles' books. Enough to recognize
when it switched languages. Not necessarily enough to recognize if it had
switched from classical to medieval church latin.

> Possession. Very interesting.  It's a completely different set of
> energies, of course, but the question is where you still being used as
> the instrument through which the energies were channeled or were you -
> and it - instead manipulating the energies that were around you?

Door number one. Definitely. Just a big old remote control of soulness,
that's me.

> I'm also sticking on a reference here to the Gods.  Gypsy gods? Any?  Is
> it a general blessing for the curse or a key part of it?  

No idea. Though the fact that its Gods, plural, is interesting. Definitely
not church magic, in spite of the Latin.

> Could you describe what the energies felt like when you performed the
> curse for Angel?

Not any better than I already have. Shivery and silvery kind of did it for
me. I was pretty wiped to start with, and the spell was at least a 7 on
the Richter scale. But ... if you have more specific questions, ask. Maybe
something will come back to me.

> > Or maybe I just pronounced something wrong. Or used herbs that were
> > stronger or weaker than last time.
> 
> Well the herbs - if I am reading what I have so far correctly - seem to
> be more for the purposes of preparing the area.  A few are for the sake
> of protection.  There's some for binding (I'm sure you're familiar with
> that without my having to say so, I'm only speaking to ensure that we're
> on the same page).  I believe it's to bind the soul or the vampire or
> both.  
> 
> But as far as the freshness goes, it's all very immediate.  They are for
> the moment of the casting and not for the casting itself, if you see my
> meaning.

I do. Good to eliminate something, anyway.

> Pronouncing something wrong - well, that could be a problem.  But even
> there it would depend greatly upon what role the words have in the spell
> itself.  Given the ability to cast the spell in Latin one would suspect
> that it's not as important as one would immediately think.

Except I don't know if she ever actually meant to cast it in Latin. Maybe
that was just a rough draft. Or maybe it was a translation to give to
Angel, after. After all, a name like Angelus does kind of sound like you
know Latin. It's an us-y language.

> > I had to reconstruct Ms. Calendar's reconstruction from memory. I
> > switched languages the same time as last time, because I didn't want
> > to mess with what worked. 
> 
> A good idea.

I kept the same number of helpers too. Figured I might as well keep it as
much the same as possible. Though I didn't wear the hospital gown.

> > Anyway, I'm pretty sure I got the words right -- hearing them come out
> > of my own mouth isn't something I'm likely to forget. It was the first
> > time I felt all this power running through me, all shivery and silver.
> > 
> 
> Silver - good energy, possibly holy...

Possibly. Or possibly Angel's soul passing through me to the orb. Or
possibly the soul of the spirit that took me over?

> > My honor? God you're British.
> 
> The foppish mannerisms hadn't made that clear?

Well, Spike is British too, and I don't think anyone could call him
foppish. Not twice, anyway.

> A few, although not for those questions.  Of course Angel believes very
> strongly in the words of "Perfect Happiness" and does not feel that the
> trigger has changed at all - which is to say you performed the curse
> perfectly.  I was inclined to feel the same way - even if Angel and I
> disagree on how to define perfect happiness or even the lack of it -
> but... the conversation in England has given me pause.  And the thought
> that Spike may have a soul - and could not maintain the curse when it
> was given to him - has also given me pause.  

I get the first part. I don't get the second. Why would Spike's soul, if
he has one, make any difference to Angel?

> I've - I've heard mention of her.  I regret not - I was going to say not
> meeting her in England when there was a chance, but given all that
> happened I suppose it's for the best.

Probably. It didn't sound like a conversation that needed more audience.

> I... Please don't be offended but I would like to - to offer good will,
> on behalf of your new relationship.  I would say congratulations except
> that I do recall how close you were to Oz.  It's just... perhaps I'm
> presuming too much and if I am I *am* sorry but... I feel I might
> understand, a little, of what the past years might have been like in
> your end of the world and as - as someone who has gone thought something
> similar himself...
> 
> Forgive me. I'm - it's not my place.

No, its okay, Wesley. On this one, if nowhere else, it is your place,
because you have gone through it too. God knows none of the others have.
Don't get me wrong, they couldn't have been more sweet and supportive and
welcoming. But they're trying so hard to make it not an issue, I can't
talk to them when it *is* an issue. And Tara -- she knows about Oz. She
knows about Xander. She knows I've changed, but she's afraid I'll change
back. And I don't know what to say. Does Angel get like this? What do you
tell him?

Oz was my heart. But then he left. And I met Tara. And I found that it is
possible to have two hearts. Without being some kind of medical sideshow
freak. I never knew that before. He tried to come back, and I chose Tara.
Not because I don't love him. I did. I do. I always will. But we both
realized that I undermined the self-control he had worked so hard to
learn. I guess that's the downside of caring so much. I'm the only one in
the whole world he can't be with. That was hard to face. But it wasn't
just that. Tara believed in me. She saw things in me that no one else did,
and I became them, because of her. I can't go back. I wouldn't want to.

Loving Tara is the easy part. I never doubted it, even if she does. Its
everything else that's hard. My family. My teachers. Stupid frat guys.
Even me -- looking at other girls. Or guys? Having to prove I'm really
real, like the Velveteen Rabbit, because I didn't go through what everyone
else did. If I hadn't fallen in love with Tara, I don't think I ever would
have known that I was gay. I don't even know if I would have *been* gay.
And that's not what people expect or understand.

Did you -- what was it like for you? Realizing? If you don't mind my
asking? 

I wish -- I *can't* offer good will for your relationship with Angel,
Wesley. For Buffy's sake, not, and for Angel's soul's sake. Not to mention
your own chances of survival. But for discovering this about yourself -- I
can for that. And I do.

> Thank you.  I'll keep the address in a safe location.

Welcome.

> I have come to understand his point of view on certain matters far
> better than once I did.

Good to know. Does he?

> > I get it. I also got the reader's digest condensed version of what
> > happened in England while me and Tara were making with the tourist
> > stuff. What else should I know? 
> 
> Er - that's hard for me to say without knowing what the condensed 
> version was for you.  If you could perhaps tell me what you were told
> about - about relations here in Los Angeles?

That you and Angel are having sex. That you think its safe because you
don't make him perfectly happy, that Angel thinks its safe because you do
but everything else doesn't, that Buffy wants to get back with Angel, that
Spike wants to hit things, and that Giles wants you all to stop. Does that
sum it up?

> Quite true.  However the Council has become - or perhaps it always was
> and is only just now showing it - far more agressive than it was in the
> past.  I do not know the circumstances underwhich Mr. Giles was hired
> again but if his goal is to protect Buffy from anyone - including the
> Council if need be - then keeping as little contact between himself and
> such disapproved of elements as Spike and Angel would be the best course
> of action.  The Council may not yet know about Spike's relationship to
> Buffy, or the possibility of Angel's soul not being under the same
> constraints as once it was, and if Mr. Giles was to involve himself he
> may - however inadvertently - put that information into their hands.

Makes sense. But why is the council getting type A now? They know about
Buffy and Spike -- well, if the council knows what's going on between
those two, it knows more than I do. Probably more than they do. But we
brought him to their house, with their consent, and they showed up to a
meeting there and saw how Buffy and Spike talk to each other. As far as I
know, they don't know anything about Angel. None of us said anything to
them about him even being there.

> The offer is open at any time. For any matter.

Thanks.

> I've been attempting to look into the original material.  As I told
> Spike, there may be potentially useful information in how the original
> text used the word "soul".  I'm hoping to find the text and do the
> translation myself to see. I'll keep you updated if I've any luck. 
> Getting one's hands on original Church documents, though, is rather
> tricky without my Watcher connections.  I shall do my best, however.

Want me to ask Giles? I'm sure he could manage something concrete like
this. Especially if I do my charming yet persistant two year old
impression. It's much easier to do it than to keep explaining why not.

> > I'm okay with New Hampshire.
> 
> I hear it's quite lovely in the fall.

Never been. But I've seen pictures on the maple syrup.

> > You did try to stop the Mayor, even if that didn't work so well. 
> 
> "Ineptly to the point of comedic proportions" is I think the phrase you
> were looking for there.  

I seriously doubt it. That's a little wordy for me. How about "really
bad"?

> > Angel seems to like you. Spike, even, seems to like you, and he
> > doesn't like anybody except Buffy and her family. And I'm pretty sure
> > you even made a joke in there somewhere. There must be somebody I
> > trust less than you -- I'll save Texas for them. 
> 
> Thank you.

Welcome.

> > > I don't deny any of the charges. I can only say that I understand
> > > what I did and that I do not look back on my time in Sunnydale with
> > > any particular pride in my actions. 
> > 
> > You may understand what you did. I still don't.
> 
> Forgive me. I meant to say I understand in the sense that you described
> - owing many apologies that do not and will not receive forgiveness.

Oh. Um. You could try making them. It's amazing what that does, sometimes.
I could give you my cookie recipe, if you wanted.

> > > I would do this gladly, yet I fear this is only something that could
> > > be done with time.  I was greatly tempted to rattle a list off for
> > > you - tell you all that I have done in the past year, all that has
> > > changed - but then I realized such a list would be meaningless.  You
> > > don't know me very well.  You know the man I was - a rather prattish
> > > fellow who believed his Watcher oaths meant that he could save the
> > > world.  Meant that he was right, beyond all questioning.  I am not
> > > that man anymore, Willow, but writing those words to you is an empty
> > > gesture.  I'm aware that I could write anything to you.  You've no
> > > cause to believe in it.
> > 
> > Good, 'cause I don't. You are that man.
> 
> Pardon me but - in a very specific case no I am not.  I do not deny that
> all I have done has brought me to where I am, good and bad.  But if
> you'll note my choice of terms I would please like it to be clear that
> Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, the man who "believed his Watcher oaths..." is
> *not* the Wesley Wyndam-Pryce who is writing to you now.

Oh. Okay. I get it. Grandiose, but not actually misleading. Grandiosity,
on the other hand, was definitely part of the Wesley Wyndam-Pryce we all
knew and, well, knew. Do you become a new man every time you change your
mind? 

> Rather - there's nothing wrong with the oaths in and of themselves, but
> I do *not* store my faith in the Watchers.  As I say, I do not dispute
> your other assertions but I think perhaps we can agree that I can at
> least be allowed to say I am no longer working for, with, or in
> accordance of the Council.
> 
> Whether or not you feel that is a mark for or against me is entirely up
> to you, of course.

We'll see. You used to work for a power that claimed to be for good and
right in general, and for Buffy in particular, but turned out to have a
dark, dangerous, and unreliable underbelly. Then you got canned. Now you
work for Angel. Not seein' a lot of difference there.

> > Doesn't mean you might not be someone else too. I'd be curious to hear
> > what you've been doing in the past year, if it makes such an
> > impressive list. 
> 
> Forgive me again - I hadn't meant to imply that in the past two years
> I've done things which were so impressive.  Or things which are more
> impressive than what you and the gang of Sunnydale have done.  Only -
> there have been significant events in my own life.  We were speaking of
> oaths that would matter to me, which made me think of events which were
> significant to me.  That's all.  Beyond that... I help the helpless. 

Well, what were they? The events, I mean, not the helpless, though you
could tell me about them too if you want.

> >  But you're still the sum of all your actions, not just the ones you
> > feel like counting, 
> 
> I agree.  Which is why I only ask the chance to add my ongoing actions
> into the equation.  Of course there is always the chance that they
> shan't balance out the whole.

I can tell you they don't. Not yet. Not for a while. At least not on any
scales of mine. But keep going. They might yet.

> > This doesn't mean you get a get out of jail free card for your *past*
> > actions. But -- yeah. Okay. Show me what you got. 
> 
> Thank you.

Welcome. Again.

--Willow

***

To: Willow
From: Wesley

> This makes sense. I'm pretty sure those lost transliterations were into
> a newer Rumanian, if not actually modern, from an older or more magickal
> form. Or both. Which is something else it has in common with Latin, I
> guess. 

It would have been a different kind of writing style as well.  The
original texts were very old.

> > The use of a random sampling of the text is to pick up on patterns of
> > speech.  A computer could, theoretically, quickly locate and identify
> > common themes and from this extrapolate what is a verb, a noun, etc. 
> 
> This is the part I don't get. Once she's translated the old alphabet to
> a more modern one, couldn't she or any other native speaker translate it
> faster and more accurately? 

It depends on the person.  I don't care to use those types of programs
because I can often do it faster myself - entering a human into the
equation tends to eliminate misunderstandings on things such as metaphors
or the use of the vernacular - but if someone wasn't familiar with the
process it might be faster and easier to use a computer to do most of what
is essentially grunt work and then wait until the end to clear the whole
mess up.

> I've seen Web sites that do this with Dilbert style management babble or
> psych talk. It's cute. 

It's quite similar, yes.

> Um, Wesley? Are we still on the curse?

Yes. Of course. Sorry.

> > > I think she added the Latin.
> > 
> > Fascinating.
> 
> Is it? Why? I found it it kind of boring and, you know, latinate.

Fascinating in that she could add the Latin and the spell would still
work.  As I've said before, it wasn't very likely that the original was in
Latin to begin with but even so having it confirmed that she made this
decision raises interesting possibilities with regards to the importance
of the words.

> > Entirely possible.  Which brings us to a question I've been 
pondering 
> > since seeing a copy of the Curse itself, specifically what is the role
> > 
of 
> > the castor in all this? How much of the person's own energies are 
put 
> > into the spell (and perhaps you could shed light on this from when 
you 
> > cast it upon Spike?) and how are those energies shaped.  
> 
> A lot of my own energies. So much that I couldn't manage it the first
> time I tried for Angel. And I probably wouldn't have made it the second
> time, either, if it weren't for Casper the Friendly Gypsy. By the time I
> tried it for Spike, I was strong enough on my own -- or maybe I wasn't,
> since it didn't work. But it not-worked in a different way from when it
> not-worked with Angel. I could feel *something* happened. 

Based on what I've heard about your skills now I would suspect that you
have the strength to cast the spell without additional supernatural
assistance.  And it seems that no one can dispute that Spike at least
*had* a soul, albeit for only a short amount of time.

This then brings our attention to why he did not *keep* the soul.  
Getting it into his body wasn't the difficulty, apparently. But getting it
to stick *was*.  The question then becomes was it a part of the spell
itself that might have been missing or was it something in Spike?

Here is where your hypothesis about Spike having a soul of his own 
most certainly comes into play.  It does seem that he "rejected" the
cursed soul in the same manner that one would reject an organ. But, as
with a transplanted organ, is this a failing on the part of the doctor or
is it a problem with the patient?

> > As for your question - I don't know.  It simply feels strange to me to
> > apply such labels to - to those who are that old and outside of 
human 
> > labeling to begin with.  I can look at myself and recognize sexuality,
> > 
but 
> > to think the same of a vampire?   As I've said, strange.
> 
> I don't get this. What does age have to do with it?

Couldn't one argue that the vampire's ability to have a life which lasts
thousands of years also allows them to do things with that life which
shorter-lived humans cannot?  It's rather like the argument one hears
these days that marriage vows only contained "'till death do us part"
because in earlier times death wasn't as far off as one suspected.

> Still, I'm not the one that's dating a vampire. What does he say? 

Angel isn't much for labelling. Although to be fair I couldn't tell you
which one of his cultural influences was behind this.

> > He provided useful information, yes.  Certainly a few things to think
> > about.  It was - perhaps I've said this already - but it was a part of
> > 
that 
> > conversation which introduced me to the idea of Spike's possibly 
having 
> > a soul.
> 
> Yeah. Working theory, anyway. Though if he does, it sure doesn't act 
like Angel's.

Which is part of the reason why Angel himself doesn't believe Spike has
one.  

> > Er - should I ask?
> 
> It was right after Oz left. I was falling apart. I felt like half my
> self was gone. I couldn't cope, and everyone was sick of my whining
> about it. So I did a spell to make it all better. But I forgot -- I
> wanted to forget -- that your will in Wicca isn't like making a birthday
> cake wish. It's more like what you believe. 

It can be like the proverbial monkey's paw, yes.

> So none of my wishes came true, but everything else I was saying did.
> Giles went blind, and Buffy and Spike got engaged.

They did *what*??

>  Anyway, Anya's old boss -- D'bufferin? 

D'Hoffryn.

> Something like that -- saw how much I was putting my friends through 
and
> offered me her old job as a vengence demon. So I realized what I'd 
done
> and had to go back and undo it. And then bake industrial strength
> quantities of cookies to allieviate the massive guilt. 

I see.  I - I'm glad it worked out then.

> > Interesting.  By middle do you mean the exact middle?  Do you - 
forgive 
> > me, I don't mean any slight here - but do you know Latin?  Enough 
to 
> > know if the spirit spoke differently?  It might have "felt" like
> > different wording to you.
> 
> The piece of paper I gave Spike is exactly what came out of my 
mouth.
> Wherever it switched into Rumanian is where I did too.

I see. Thank you.

> And yeah, I know a little Latin, from various spells and Giles' books.
> Enough to recognize when it switched languages. Not necessarily 
enough
> to recognize if it had switched from classical to medieval church latin.

Forgive me, I should have phrased the question differently.  What I 
meant was that do you know enough Latin to at least have what one 
might call the jist of the passage so that when it switched to Rumanian
you could perhaps feel that the "jist" had changed?  In other words, did
it feel as though the energies were being used differentlly from a manner
that you had expected?

> > Possession. Very interesting.  It's a completely different set of 
energies, 
> > of course, but the question is where you still being used as the
> > instrument through which the energies were channeled or were you -

> > and it - instead manipulating the energies that were around you?
> 
> Door number one. Definitely. Just a big old remote control of 
soulness, that's me.

Good to know.  This then leads to the question of energies being 
channeled from where?

> > I'm also sticking on a reference here to the Gods.  Gypsy gods? 
Any?  
> > Is it a general blessing for the curse or a key part of it?  
> 
> No idea. Though the fact that its Gods, plural, is interesting.
> Definitely not church magic, in spite of the Latin. 

Yes, I'd noticed that as well.  It's a very clear plural, no doubt about
that. 
 Although of course even that doesn't immediately give us specifics.  They
could be referring to certain Gods or just sending the appeal out to the
entire cosmic spectrum in the hopes that by using everyone the appeal
wouldn't fall on deaf ears.

> > Pronouncing something wrong - well, that could be a problem.  But 
even 
> > there it would depend greatly upon what role the words have in the 
spell 
> > itself.  Given the ability to cast the spell in Latin one would
> > suspect 
that 
> > it's not as important as one would immediately think.
> 
> Except I don't know if she ever actually meant to cast it in Latin.

Quite true.

> Maybe that was just a rough draft. Or maybe it was a translation to give
> to Angel, after. After all, a name like Angelus does kind of sound like
> you know Latin. It's an us-y language. 

Angelus is from the Latinate.  

As for the Latin itself, you're right in that it might have been a rough
draft. There are many spells - I'm sure you know this - which are in Latin
just for that, as you say, "ritual-y" aspect.  Ms. Calendar may have
intended her translation to be for her own meditation purposes. Something
which would resonate for her as she prepared to cast the spell.

> > A good idea.
> 
> I kept the same number of helpers too. Figured I might as well keep it
> as much the same as possible. Though I didn't wear the hospital 
gown. 

I'm sure that wasn't a factor.

> > > Anyway, I'm pretty sure I got the words right -- hearing them 
come out
> > > of my own mouth isn't something I'm likely to forget. It was the
> > > first time I felt all this power running through me, all shivery and
> > > silver. 
> > 
> > Silver - good energy, possibly holy...
> 
> Possibly. Or possibly Angel's soul passing through me to the orb. Or
> possibly the soul of the spirit that took me over? 

Interesting.  Possible.  Yet the orb is meant to be the vessel to carry
the soul.  But on the other hand the energy of the spell as a concept was
flowing through you.  I'll have to look through the material. See if it
mentions anything.

> > > My honor? God you're British.
> > 
> > The foppish mannerisms hadn't made that clear?
> 
> Well, Spike is British too, and I don't think anyone could call him
> foppish. Not twice, anyway. 

True, but neither would they tell him "God you're British"

> I get the first part. I don't get the second. Why would Spike's soul, if
> he has one, make any difference to Angel? 

Vampires with souls are highly unusual.  And Spike having difficulty with
the same curse which worked for Angel does raise the possibility that
there might have been problems with Angel's curse as well.

> No, its okay, Wesley. On this one, if nowhere else, it is your place,
> because you have gone through it too. 

Thank you for understanding what I meant by that.  I - I know that there
are certain aspects of what I am doing which you cannot condone by any
means, nor would I even be so insulting as to expect you to.

> God knows none of the others have. Don't get me wrong, they couldn't
> have been more sweet and supportive and welcoming. 

That's good, at least.

> But they're trying so hard to make it not an issue, I can't talk to them
> when it *is* an issue. And Tara -- she knows about Oz. She knows about
> Xander. She knows I've changed, but she's afraid I'll change back. And I
> don't know what to say. Does Angel get like this? What do you tell him? 

Angel has been remarkably understanding in how new all of this is to me. 
I suspect that if he does worry about me "changing" it would be for a
partner with a pulse, more than - than a partner of any particular gender.

I suspect, though, that this might be influenced by the fact that Angel
believed I had an attraction to men long before I did.  Before I believed
I did, I should say.  So in our particular instance it isn't so much that
I changed as it is that I finally realized something Angel had known all
along.  

As I say, though, I do think he wonders if I'll abandon this relationship
for one with a mortal.  So I suppose in some ways it's quite similar.

>  But we both realized that I undermined the self-control he had worked
> so hard to learn.

That must have been very difficult for you. I'm sorry.

>  But it wasn't just that. Tara believed in me. She saw things in me that
> no one else did, and I became them, because of her. I can't go back. I
> wouldn't want to. 

Yes. Yes, I can understand this exactly.

> Loving Tara is the easy part. I never doubted it, even if she does. 

Perhaps it's the lack of confidence in herself that you mentioned?  She
might care for you so much and value you so greatly that she may wonder
why someone like you would care for her in return?  I - I confess it's a
mindset I can understand.

> Its everything else that's hard. My family. My teachers. Stupid frat
> guys. 

If - if you don't mind my asking do you mean in the sense that your 
family, etc. has given you difficulty about this or in the sense that it
is strange to think of how you can speak with the people you interact with
everyday now that you've realized a fundamental difference in yourself?

> Even me -- looking at other girls. Or guys?

Yes.  I understand this.

> Having to prove I'm really real, like the Velveteen Rabbit, because I
> didn't go through what everyone else did. If I hadn't fallen in love
> with Tara, I don't think I ever would have known that I was gay. I don't
> even know if I would have *been* gay. And that's not what people expect
> or understand. 

For what it is worth, Willow, I can understand it.  If - if my feelings
for Angel hadn't been as strong as they were, if Angel himself hadn't done
the things that he did, I don't think I would have ever realized how I
felt.  I would have gone on as I always had.

> Did you -- what was it like for you? Realizing? If you don't mind my
> asking? 

No, not at all! Please.  I'm - I'm somewhat relieved, in fact, that you
*would* ask.  When Xander told me about you and Tara I - I confess I
regretted *not* being able to speak with you about it, given the
similarities of our situations.  Angel... as I've said, for Angel this
isn't an issue.  He respects and is more than understanding that for me it
*is* an issue, but by the same token he cannot speak to me as one who's
been there. He can only offer his patience and support.  And other than
him... there's no one here would could possibly understand. No one I am
close to, at least.

To answer your question - and please forgive me if I offer more 
information than you desired, or cross boundaries - it was...  Difficult. 
I hadn't known, as I said.  And when things - my feelings - began to truly
make themselves clear I was in a relationship with someone else at the
time.  A young woman.  It - it wasn't true love, but it was a good
companionship.  It was very hard for me to realize that, however in
advertent, there was deception in the relationship.  Not that I'd intended
to deceive her - I'd entered into the relationship in all good faith - but
of course once I understood how I was feeling how else could you term what
was happening? The fact that I couldn't be with her as we both once
thought?

There was also confusion.  A great deal of time spent wondering about my
entire life - which I've been doing a lot of late anyway - and how this
factored in.  Trying to look back and see if there were any clues. Any
hints.  Anything which might make sense of it all.

But there was also a gladness.  A feeling of gratitude that at least now I
*understood*.  Understood myself, and how I felt about things.  I mean the
entire thing has raised as many questions as it's answered, but at
least... it's good to know where I'm coming from.  To have a better idea
of what I want.

When you speak of dealing with others, though, I do understand. 
Particularly since there are those - such as Cordelia - who must take this
in as new information while at the same time there are others - such as
Angel - who knew this about me all the while.  

I - I find it easy, to deal with the idea that it is news because of
course for me it *is*.  But... to know that others knew before I did...
it's rather disconcerting.  Leads me to wonder why they were allowed to be
aware of it before I was.  It hardly seems fair.

> I wish -- I *can't* offer good will for your relationship with Angel,
> Wesley. For Buffy's sake, not, and for Angel's soul's sake. Not to
> mention your own chances of survival. 

I do understand, Willow.  

> But for discovering this about yourself -- I can for that. And I do.

Thank you.  I - I offer that to you as well.

> > I have come to understand his point of view on certain matters far
> > better than once I did. 
> 
> Good to know. Does he?

Forgive me - does he what?

> That you and Angel are having sex. That you think its safe because you
> don't make him perfectly happy, that Angel thinks its safe because you
> do but everything else doesn't, that Buffy wants to get back with Angel,
> that Spike wants to hit things, and that Giles wants you all to stop.
> Does that sum it up? 

Sadly, yes.

> Makes sense. But why is the council getting type A now?

I wish I knew.  If I knew anything about it I would tell you.

> They know about Buffy and Spike -- well, if the council knows what's
> going on between those two, it knows more than I do. Probably more than
> they do. But we brought him to their house, with their consent, and they
> showed up to a meeting there and saw how Buffy and Spike talk to each
> other. As far as I know, they don't know anything about Angel. None of
> us said anything to them about him even being there. 

They know of Angel being in England with me.  I couldn't say for certain
if it was understood that he was *with* me, but I have my suspicions that
they know that as well, or at least have guessed it.

> > to see. I'll keep you updated if I've any luck.  Getting one's hands
> > on original Church documents, though, is rather tricky without my
> > Watcher connections.  I shall do my best, however. 
> 
> Want me to ask Giles? I'm sure he could manage something concrete like
> this. Especially if I do my charming yet persistant two year old
> impression. It's much easier to do it than to keep explaining why not. 

If you could without raising any trouble I would appreciate it.  Thank
you.

> > "Ineptly to the point of comedic proportions" is I think the phrase
> > you were looking for there.  
> 
> I seriously doubt it. That's a little wordy for me. How about "really
> bad"? 

That would be the Californian translation then, yes?

> > Forgive me. I meant to say I understand in the sense that you
> > described - owing many apologies that do not and will not receive
> > forgiveness. 
> 
> Oh. Um. You could try making them. It's amazing what that does, 
sometimes. I could give you my cookie recipe, if you wanted.

In which case, then, please at least allow me to say I'm sorry for all the
wrongs I did you, Willow.  

> Oh. Okay. I get it. Grandiose, but not actually misleading.
> Grandiosity, on the other hand, was definitely part of the Wesley
> Wyndam-Pryce we all knew and, well, knew. Do you become a new man every
> time you change your mind? 

No. I wouldn't claim to.

> We'll see. You used to work for a power that claimed to be for good and
> right in general, and for Buffy in particular, but turned out to have a
> dark, dangerous, and unreliable underbelly. Then you got canned. Now you
> work for Angel. Not seein' a lot of difference there. 

I suppose you're right.

> Well, what were they? The events, I mean, not the helpless, though you
> could tell me about them too if you want. 

Discovering myself. My feelings for Angel.  Severing my ties with the
Council. Trying to determine which side I'm on in all of this.  Deciding
to work with Angel and Cordy so that we could help the helpless.  That
sort of thing.  As I said - significant only to me, really.

Sincerely,
Wesley

***

To: Wesley
From: Willow

> It would have been a different kind of writing style as well.  The
> original texts were very old.

Got it. Does that mean this particular curse was -- or at least could have
been - done before? On someone other than Angel? Should we be looking into
that? Somehow I'd gotten the impression that this was some gypsy chick's
eureka moment, not an established tradition.

> It depends on the person.  I don't care to use those types of programs
> because I can often do it faster myself - entering a human into the
> equation tends to eliminate misunderstandings on things such as
> metaphors or the use of the vernacular - but if someone wasn't familiar
> with the process it might be faster and easier to use a computer to do
> most of what is essentially grunt work and then wait until the end to
> clear the whole mess up.

It might be worthwhile you trying it yourself, from scratch, and seeing
how different it comes out from what I got from Ms. Calendar. If it is. We
know that's not the difference between Angel's and Spike's soul stuff,
since they had the same words both times, but at least it might give us a
clue what the thing means.

> Fascinating in that she could add the Latin and the spell would still
> work.  As I've said before, it wasn't very likely that the original was
> in Latin to begin with but even so having it confirmed that she made
> this decision raises interesting possibilities with regards to the
> importance of the words.

Oh, I get it. So if the translation doesn't matter, maybe its not so much
words as caster's intent? But I had the same intent both times, too. Fix
this vampire before Buffy has a nervous breakdown pretty much covered it.

> Based on what I've heard about your skills now I would suspect that you
> have the strength to cast the spell without additional supernatural
> assistance.  And it seems that no one can dispute that Spike at least
> *had* a soul, albeit for only a short amount of time.

I've been wondering, though, if my own energy was used to shape and
channel the other energies coming through me, or to protect me from the
backlash, rather than powering the spell directly. 'Cause I don't usually
feel especially silvery to myself. Although Tara says she sees silver
sparks from me when we cast together, sometimes.

> This then brings our attention to why he did not *keep* the soul.
> Getting it into his body wasn't the difficulty, apparently. But getting
> it to stick *was*.  The question then becomes was it a part of the spell
> itself that might have been missing or was it something in Spike?

Or even both.

> Here is where your hypothesis about Spike having a soul of his own
> most certainly comes into play.  It does seem that he "rejected" the
> cursed soul in the same manner that one would reject an organ. But, as
> with a transplanted organ, is this a failing on the part of the doctor
> or is it a problem with the patient?

I don't know. It seemed like it had to be a problem with Spike, since it
was the same spell that I used on Angel. But of course the possession was
a huge big honking difference. And Angel already had the soul once --
maybe that made it easier?

> > I don't get this. What does age have to do with it?
> 
> Couldn't one argue that the vampire's ability to have a life which lasts
> thousands of years also allows them to do things with that life which
> shorter-lived humans cannot? 

Well, sure. Why not? But as far as I can see, if it involves sex, its
still a sexuality. Doesn't necessarily mean it would be the same as a
human's.

 It's rather like the argument one hears
> these days that marriage vows only contained "'till death do us part"
> because in earlier times death wasn't as far off as one suspected.

Doubt it. A lifetime still feels long when its all you have.

> Angel isn't much for labelling. Although to be fair I couldn't tell you
> which one of his cultural influences was behind this.

Best I can remember, he wasn't much for words, period. Guess you two
average.

> > Yeah. Working theory, anyway. Though if he does, it sure doesn't act
> like Angel's.
> 
> Which is part of the reason why Angel himself doesn't believe Spike has
> one.

Spike'll be glad to hear it. He never wanted one in the first place,
except for Buffy's sake.

> > So none of my wishes came true, but everything else I was saying did.
> > Giles went blind, and Buffy and Spike got engaged.
> 
> They did *what*??

Got engaged. My fault. I said if he was so much more important to her than
I was, why didn't she just marry him? I missed most of it, but apparently
they spent most of the time alternately sucking face and arguing about the
wedding details, and poor blind Giles had to listen to it and grope around
for a drink, until I managed to despell them. Needless to say they got
unengaged real quick. I wonder what Buffy did with the ring?

> I see.  I - I'm glad it worked out then.

I guess. I got real good at cookies, anyway. I sometimes wonder if that's
when Spike started falling for Buffy in the first place -- is that my
fault too? But I'm not gonna ask.

> Forgive me, I should have phrased the question differently.  What I
> meant was that do you know enough Latin to at least have what one might
> call the jist of the passage so that when it switched to Rumanian you
> could perhaps feel that the "jist" had changed?  In other words, did it
> feel as though the energies were being used differentlly from a manner
> that you had expected?

Sorry. I was too busy being startled by being suddenly taken over by a
Rumanian ghost. Not to mention that I had never done this before, or even
any magic half as powerful. So I really didn't know *what* to expect.

> > Door number one. Definitely. Just a big old remote control of
> soulness, that's me.
> 
> Good to know.  This then leads to the question of energies being
> channeled from where?

That I couldn't tell you.

> Yes, I'd noticed that as well.  It's a very clear plural, no doubt about
> that.
>  Although of course even that doesn't immediately give us specifics.
> They could be referring to certain Gods or just sending the appeal out
> to the entire cosmic spectrum in the hopes that by using everyone the
> appeal wouldn't fall on deaf ears.

I doubt its the latter. I don't have a reason, it just doesn't feel right.
There's nothing vague or undirected about the feel of it. I don't know who
they meant, but I'd bet a week's worth of history papers that they did.

> As for the Latin itself, you're right in that it might have been a rough
> draft. There are many spells - I'm sure you know this - which are in
> Latin just for that, as you say, "ritual-y" aspect.  Ms. Calendar may
> have intended her translation to be for her own meditation purposes.
> Something which would resonate for her as she prepared to cast the
> spell.

Yeah. I don't know. I wish I'd ever seen her cast anything. I'd have a
better clue what her style was.

> > > Silver - good energy, possibly holy...
> >
> > Possibly. Or possibly Angel's soul passing through me to the orb. Or
> > possibly the soul of the spirit that took me over?
> 
> Interesting.  Possible.  Yet the orb is meant to be the vessel to carry
> the soul.  But on the other hand the energy of the spell as a concept
> was flowing through you.  I'll have to look through the material. See if
> it mentions anything.

Let me know what you find. I know the orb carries the soul. Don't know how
it gets to the orb, though.

> > > > My honor? God you're British.
> > >
> > > The foppish mannerisms hadn't made that clear?
> >
> > Well, Spike is British too, and I don't think anyone could call him
> > foppish. Not twice, anyway.
> 
> True, but neither would they tell him "God you're British"

I dunno. He's got the weird concept of breakfast food, anyway. And why
would anyone want to make soup out of an oxtail when they could use the
rest of the ox?

> > I get the first part. I don't get the second. Why would Spike's soul,
> > if he has one, make any difference to Angel?
> 
> Vampires with souls are highly unusual.  And Spike having difficulty
> with the same curse which worked for Angel does raise the possibility
> that there might have been problems with Angel's curse as well.

True. But he didn't. I mean, not the same ones, anyway.

> > No, its okay, Wesley. On this one, if nowhere else, it is your place,
> > because you have gone through it too.
> 
> Thank you for understanding what I meant by that.  I - I know that there
> are certain aspects of what I am doing which you cannot condone by any
> means, nor would I even be so insulting as to expect you to.

You're welcome. But I got it from context. We're both doing the gay thing.
Only one of us is doing the ticking time bomb vampire thing. So I knew
which you meant.

> > God knows none of the others have. Don't get me wrong, they couldn't
> > have been more sweet and supportive and welcoming.
> 
> That's good, at least.

Yeah. I was expecting them to wig, to tell you the truth. But there was
only minor wiggage, mostly from Giles, who was forced once again to
contemplate the reality of other people's sex lives. I think that upsets
him more than any silly little details of what gender is involved. He
doesn't seem to have any trouble doing it, judging by Ms. Calendar and
Olivia, but I think he wishes there *were* no words for it. Although
anyone would who had to work with Anya all day.

> > But they're trying so hard to make it not an issue, I can't talk to
> > them when it *is* an issue. And Tara -- she knows about Oz. She knows
> > about Xander. She knows I've changed, but she's afraid I'll change
> > back. And I don't know what to say. Does Angel get like this? What do
> > you tell him?
> 
> Angel has been remarkably understanding in how new all of this is to me.
>  I suspect that if he does worry about me "changing" it would be for a
> partner with a pulse, more than - than a partner of any particular
> gender.

Yeah, I can see that. I should tell Tara that -- maybe she'd count her
blessings. I'm not *going* anywhere. Yeah, if she dumped me, I truly don't
know what sex the next person I dated would be  -- but then, if she dumped
me, I can't imagine ever coming out from under the covers again, except to
accept delivery of more chocolate and kleenex.

> I suspect, though, that this might be influenced by the fact that Angel
> believed I had an attraction to men long before I did.  Before I
> believed I did, I should say.  So in our particular instance it isn't so
> much that I changed as it is that I finally realized something Angel had
> known all along.

Oh. Um. We all did, Wesley. At least until you and Cordelia got your
groove on. The Princess Margaret thing didn't clue you?

> As I say, though, I do think he wonders if I'll abandon this
> relationship for one with a mortal.  So I suppose in some ways it's
> quite similar.

Would you?

> >  But we both realized that I undermined the self-control he had worked
> > so hard to learn.
> 
> That must have been very difficult for you. I'm sorry.

It was. It is. It seems like some particularly nasty demon masquerading as
fate just loves making the one thing people want the one thing they can't
have. But -- if he hadn't left, I never would have met Tara. So I can't be
sorry.

> >  But it wasn't just that. Tara believed in me. She saw things in me
> >  that
> > no one else did, and I became them, because of her. I can't go back. I
> > wouldn't want to.
> 
> Yes. Yes, I can understand this exactly.

Was it like that for you? With Angel?

> > Loving Tara is the easy part. I never doubted it, even if she does.
> 
> Perhaps it's the lack of confidence in herself that you mentioned?  She
> might care for you so much and value you so greatly that she may wonder
> why someone like you would care for her in return?  I - I confess it's a
> mindset I can understand.

Could you explain it to me? Cause it makes no sense to me at all. I love
her and care for her so much. She loves me and cares for me so much. Isn't
that how it's supposed to work?

> If - if you don't mind my asking do you mean in the sense that your
> family, etc. has given you difficulty about this or in the sense that it
> is strange to think of how you can speak with the people you interact
> with everyday now that you've realized a fundamental difference in
> yourself?

Mostly the first. It's the Jewish thing. I think technically they're
supposed to throw stones at me, or tie me in a sack with a malevolent
chicken and swing me around over their heads or something. 

Instead they just treat Tara very politely, like they do Buffy when she
comes over -- but not like they did Oz. And psychoanalyse me to death, or
at least near-terminal boredom, whenever they get me alone. And sigh
loudly at thoughts of grandchildren, even though the only creatures with
fewer parental impulses are single celled organisms. 

It could be a lot worse. Lately I've taken to telling them, very kindly,
that I know this is a phase they're going through, and then slipping out
while they're still flailing for adjectives.

As for the other -- it doesn't really feel like a fundamental difference
in myself. It feels more like -- like hitting puberty. A lot of stuff that
was always there but never really woke up till now. 

But I know its a fundamental difference in the way other people see me --
and I can see them searching my face, sometimes, to see where the changes
are. No one's being mean. But some of them are feeling strange because of
me, and that in turn makes me look at every situation differently -- like
there's a me on the inside and a me on the outside, watching. Does that
make any sense?

> > Even me -- looking at other girls. Or guys?
> 
> Yes.  I understand this.

I'm not sure I do.

> > Having to prove I'm really real, like the Velveteen Rabbit, because I
> > didn't go through what everyone else did. If I hadn't fallen in love
> > with Tara, I don't think I ever would have known that I was gay. I
> > don't even know if I would have *been* gay. And that's not what people
> > expect or understand.
> 
> For what it is worth, Willow, I can understand it.  If - if my feelings
> for Angel hadn't been as strong as they were, if Angel himself hadn't
> done the things that he did, I don't think I would have ever realized
> how I felt.  I would have gone on as I always had.

Then you do understand. I don't know. Maybe the next person I fell in love
with would always have been a woman. But it doesn't feel like that. It's
not like I went looking for a girlfriend. I just met Tara, and the world
changed.

> > Did you -- what was it like for you? Realizing? If you don't mind my
> > asking?
> 
> No, not at all! Please.  I'm - I'm somewhat relieved, in fact, that you
> *would* ask.  When Xander told me about you and Tara I - I confess I
> regretted *not* being able to speak with you about it, given the
> similarities of our situations.  Angel... as I've said, for Angel this
> isn't an issue.  He respects and is more than understanding that for me
> it *is* an issue, but by the same token he cannot speak to me as one
> who's been there. He can only offer his patience and support.  And other
> than him... there's no one here would could possibly understand. No one
> I am close to, at least.

Well, there's me now. Not necessarily the closest, but at least a
long-time acquaintance. Got to be worth something, right?

> To answer your question - and please forgive me if I offer more
> information than you desired, or cross boundaries - it was... 
> Difficult.  I hadn't known, as I said.  And when things - my feelings -
> began to truly make themselves clear I was in a relationship with
> someone else at the time.  A young woman.  It - it wasn't true love, but
> it was a good companionship.  It was very hard for me to realize that,
> however in advertent, there was deception in the relationship.  Not that
> I'd intended to deceive her - I'd entered into the relationship in all
> good faith - but of course once I understood how I was feeling how else
> could you term what was happening? The fact that I couldn't be with her
> as we both once thought?

Not deception. Just change. As long as you told her, once you realized.
And if it wasn't the very same second, cut yourself some slack. It's not
like you wake up one day, hit yourself in the forehead and say "gosh, I'm
gay". It's gradual. At least, it was for me.

> There was also confusion.  A great deal of time spent wondering about my
> entire life - which I've been doing a lot of late anyway - and how this
> factored in.  Trying to look back and see if there were any clues. Any
> hints.  Anything which might make sense of it all.

Were there? From your perspective, I mean?

> But there was also a gladness.  A feeling of gratitude that at least now
> I *understood*.  Understood myself, and how I felt about things.  I mean
> the entire thing has raised as many questions as it's answered, but at
> least... it's good to know where I'm coming from.  To have a better idea
> of what I want.

I can see that. It was different for me. I didn't feel like I finally
understood what I wanted all along. It was more that I wanted one thing,
and then I wanted another. But in general, I get it. Its amazing how many
people never figure out what they really want -- they just drift along
doing what they think they should want.

> When you speak of dealing with others, though, I do understand.
> Particularly since there are those - such as Cordelia - who must take
> this in as new information while at the same time there are others -
> such as Angel - who knew this about me all the while.

Must have been weird for Cordelia, after that mondo huge crush she had on
you. I thought I would be weird for Xander, after the mondo huge crush I
had on him. But he seems to have adjusted.

> I - I find it easy, to deal with the idea that it is news because of
> course for me it *is*.  But... to know that others knew before I did...
> it's rather disconcerting.  Leads me to wonder why they were allowed to
> be aware of it before I was.  It hardly seems fair.

Fair, not the most common commodity.  But seriously, Wesley, you dress
with a precision that puts drill sargents to shame. You listen to opera.
You scream like a girl. Are you *sure* you didn't know, on some level, or
did you just not want to realize?

> > But for discovering this about yourself -- I can for that. And I do.
> 
> Thank you.  I - I offer that to you as well.

Thanks.

> > > I have come to understand his point of view on certain matters far
> > > better than once I did.
> >
> > Good to know. Does he?
> 
> Forgive me - does he what?

Does he know that you've come to understand his point of view on certain
matters far better than you once did?

> > That you and Angel are having sex. That you think its safe because you
> > don't make him perfectly happy, that Angel thinks its safe because you
> > do but everything else doesn't, that Buffy wants to get back with
> > Angel, that Spike wants to hit things, and that Giles wants you all to
> > stop. Does that sum it up?
> 
> Sadly, yes.

Well, Spike gets to hit things. So somebody's happy.

> They know of Angel being in England with me.  I couldn't say for certain
> if it was understood that he was *with* me, but I have my suspicions
> that they know that as well, or at least have guessed it.

Why would they care? They fired you, right?

> > > to see. I'll keep you updated if I've any luck.  Getting one's hands
> > > on original Church documents, though, is rather tricky without my
> > > Watcher connections.  I shall do my best, however.
> >
> > Want me to ask Giles? I'm sure he could manage something concrete like
> > this. Especially if I do my charming yet persistant two year old
> > impression. It's much easier to do it than to keep explaining why not.
> 
> If you could without raising any trouble I would appreciate it.  Thank
> you.

Don't thank me yet -- wait and see if it works. 

> > > "Ineptly to the point of comedic proportions" is I think the phrase
> > > you were looking for there.
> >
> > I seriously doubt it. That's a little wordy for me. How about "really
> > bad"?
> 
> That would be the Californian translation then, yes?

More or less. There probably should be a "dude" in there somewhere.

> > > Forgive me. I meant to say I understand in the sense that you
> > > described - owing many apologies that do not and will not receive
> > > forgiveness.
> >
> > Oh. Um. You could try making them. It's amazing what that does,
> sometimes. I could give you my cookie recipe, if you wanted.
> 
> In which case, then, please at least allow me to say I'm sorry for all
> the wrongs I did you, Willow.

It's okay. Or, well, no, it's not either. But it's okayer than it was.

> > We'll see. You used to work for a power that claimed to be for good
> > and right in general, and for Buffy in particular, but turned out to
> > have a dark, dangerous, and unreliable underbelly. Then you got
> > canned. Now you work for Angel. Not seein' a lot of difference there.
> 
> I suppose you're right.

Still, fewer meetings. Better dress code. That's gotta be of the good,
right?

> Discovering myself. My feelings for Angel.  Severing my ties with the
> Council. Trying to determine which side I'm on in all of this.  Deciding
> to work with Angel and Cordy so that we could help the helpless.  That
> sort of thing.  As I said - significant only to me, really.

And to Angel, I hope, if he's taking all these risks for you. What side
*are* you on, then? And how do you you help?

--Willow

***

To: Willow
From: Wesley

> Got it. Does that mean this particular curse was -- or at least could
> have been - done before? On someone other than Angel? Should we be
> looking into that? Somehow I'd gotten the impression that this was some
> gypsy chick's eureka moment, not an established tradition. 

We're on exactly the same page. I was having similar thoughts myself. 
Particularly with regards to the supplication to the Gods.  Based on how
Angel tells it, the cursing of him was a very quick affair done amidst a
great deal of chaos.  I find it hard to believe that the gypsies were able
to pull something this powerful out of thin air during such a time.  I
suspect this was something long standing and Angelus merely provided the
opportunity to do it.

I'm tempted to wonder if this was perhaps even a relationship of sorts the
gypsies had with the "Gods" in question.  Perhaps a favor or boon of some
sort was owed?

> It might be worthwhile you trying it yourself, from scratch, and seeing
> how different it comes out from what I got from Ms. Calendar. If it is.
> We know that's not the difference between Angel's and Spike's soul
> stuff, since they had the same words both times, but at least it might
> give us a clue what the thing means. 

That's a very good idea. I'll do my best to get on that.

> > Fascinating in that she could add the Latin and the spell would still
> > work.  As I've said before, it wasn't very likely that the original
> > was in Latin to begin with but even so having it confirmed that she
> > made this decision raises interesting possibilities with regards to
> > the importance of the words.
> 
> Oh, I get it. So if the translation doesn't matter, maybe its not so
> much words as caster's intent? But I had the same intent both times,
> too. Fix this vampire before Buffy has a nervous breakdown pretty much
> covered it. 

Another thing to consider might be the emotions of it. When it came to
Angelus both you and the gypsies had a life or death senario at your
hands.  For Spike, however, it was a matter of doing a favor.  Life or
death was part of it, true, but not in the same immediate manner.  That
may have been an influence.

> > Based on what I've heard about your skills now I would suspect that
> > you have the strength to cast the spell without additional
> > supernatural assistance.  And it seems that no one can dispute that
> > Spike at least *had* a soul, albeit for only a short amount of time.
> 
> I've been wondering, though, if my own energy was used to shape and
> channel the other energies coming through me, or to protect me from the
> backlash, rather than powering the spell directly. 'Cause I don't
> usually feel especially silvery to myself. Although Tara says she sees
> silver sparks from me when we cast together, sometimes. 

Since Tara is more familiar with some aspects of magic than you, could you
perhaps ask her what colors she normally sees when you spellcast?  That
might be of some help in separating the "Willow" from the "curse" as it
were.

And yes, it is possible that your own energies were being used only to
create and protect you from the channel.

> > Here is where your hypothesis about Spike having a soul of his own
> > most certainly comes into play.  It does seem that he "rejected" the
> > cursed soul in the same manner that one would reject an organ. But, as
> > with a transplanted organ, is this a failing on the part of the doctor
> > or is it a problem with the patient?
> 
> I don't know. It seemed like it had to be a problem with Spike, since it
> was the same spell that I used on Angel. But of course the possession
> was a huge big honking difference. And Angel already had the soul once
> -- maybe that made it easier? 

Angel has said that he doesn't think he ever reverted to his mortal self
when the spell was cast, however.

An interesting bit of information, though, is that Angel feels little to
no attatchment to his mortal self, while Spike does.  It could be that it
was the same kind of trauma showing itself through different methods
because of the mindsets they had going into it.

> > Angel isn't much for labelling. Although to be fair I couldn't tell
> > you which one of his cultural influences was behind this.
> 
> Best I can remember, he wasn't much for words, period. Guess you two
> average.

Yes, there is that.

> > They did *what*??
> 
> Got engaged. My fault. I said if he was so much more important to her
> than I was, why didn't she just marry him? I missed most of it, but
> apparently they spent most of the time alternately sucking face and
> arguing about the wedding details, and poor blind Giles had to listen to
> it and grope around for a drink, until I managed to despell them.
> Needless to say they got unengaged real quick. I wonder what Buffy did
> with the ring? 

Here's hoping she kept it.

> > I see.  I - I'm glad it worked out then.
> 
> I guess. I got real good at cookies, anyway. I sometimes wonder if
> that's when Spike started falling for Buffy in the first place -- is
> that my fault too? But I'm not gonna ask. 

Whatever the inspiration might have been, the emotions are real now.  And
a vampire of Spike's strength and reputation would - I think - hardly put
himself on the line like this for a passing and detrimental to himself
fancy.

> > Good to know.  This then leads to the question of energies being
> > channeled from where?
> 
> That I couldn't tell you.

Then we shall attempt to figure it out together.

> > Yes, I'd noticed that as well.  It's a very clear plural, no doubt
> > about that.
> >  Although of course even that doesn't immediately give us specifics.
> > They could be referring to certain Gods or just sending the appeal out
> > to the entire cosmic spectrum in the hopes that by using everyone the
> > appeal wouldn't fall on deaf ears.
> 
> I doubt its the latter. I don't have a reason, it just doesn't feel
> right.

In matters such as this it's as good a reason as any.

> There's nothing vague or undirected about the feel of it. I don't know
> who they meant, but I'd bet a week's worth of history papers that they
> did. 

The question then becomes who?  I'll have to research. See what I can find
out.  A great deal will depend on the tribe in question.

> > Interesting.  Possible.  Yet the orb is meant to be the vessel to
> > carry the soul.  But on the other hand the energy of the spell as a
> > concept was flowing through you.  I'll have to look through the
> > material. See if it mentions anything.
> 
> Let me know what you find. I know the orb carries the soul. Don't know
> how it gets to the orb, though. 

That seems to be part of the supplication to the Gods, if Ms. Calendar's
words here are correct.  The orb is a tool - and an obviously necessary
one - but I don't believe it's used to actually get the soul.  Only to
guide it.

> I dunno. He's got the weird concept of breakfast food, anyway. And why
> would anyone want to make soup out of an oxtail when they could use the
> rest of the ox? 

It's a question that answers itself, really - they couldn't.

> Yeah. I was expecting them to wig, to tell you the truth. But there was
> only minor wiggage, mostly from Giles, who was forced once again to
> contemplate the reality of other people's sex lives. I think that upsets
> him more than any silly little details of what gender is involved. He
> doesn't seem to have any trouble doing it, judging by Ms. Calendar and
> Olivia, but I think he wishes there *were* no words for it. Although
> anyone would who had to work with Anya all day. 

Yes. I've heard reports about that.  I've a few memories of her from the
prom as well.

> > Angel has been remarkably understanding in how new all of this is to
> > me.  I suspect that if he does worry about me "changing" it would be
> > for a partner with a pulse, more than - than a partner of any
> > particular gender.
> 
> Yeah, I can see that. I should tell Tara that -- maybe she'd count her
> blessings. I'm not *going* anywhere. Yeah, if she dumped me, I truly
> don't know what sex the next person I dated would be  -- but then, if
> she dumped me, I can't imagine ever coming out from under the covers
> again, except to accept delivery of more chocolate and kleenex. 

Here's hoping that does not come to pass, then.

> > I suspect, though, that this might be influenced by the fact that
> > Angel believed I had an attraction to men long before I did.  Before I
> > believed I did, I should say.  So in our particular instance it isn't
> > so much that I changed as it is that I finally realized something
> > Angel had known all along.
> 
> Oh. Um. We all did, Wesley. At least until you and Cordelia got your
> groove on. The Princess Margaret thing didn't clue you? 

Not amongst all the other comments which were fired in my direction, no.

> > As I say, though, I do think he wonders if I'll abandon this
> > relationship for one with a mortal.  So I suppose in some ways it's
> > quite similar.
> 
> Would you?

No.  

> > >  But it wasn't just that. Tara believed in me. She saw things in me
> > >  that
> > > no one else did, and I became them, because of her. I can't go back.
> > > I wouldn't want to.
> > 
> > Yes. Yes, I can understand this exactly.
> 
> Was it like that for you? With Angel?

It was. It is.  I'm still getting used to the fact that around him... He
understands that I can do things. Be trusted with things.  I don't mean in
the sense of - of considering me to be perfect just... I have certain
skills which are of use to our cause.  He recognizes them and relies upon
them.  He doesn't question or worry if I shall make a mess of things.  He
believes that I will do well.  It - it means a great deal to me.

Angel saw a version of me who was worthwhile.  And the more he saw 
it, the more I wanted to be it. To live up to that expectation and surpass
it, if I could.

> > Perhaps it's the lack of confidence in herself that you mentioned? 
> > She might care for you so much and value you so greatly that she may
> > wonder why someone like you would care for her in return?  I - I
> > confess it's a mindset I can understand.
> 
> Could you explain it to me? Cause it makes no sense to me at all. I love
> her and care for her so much. She loves me and cares for me so much.
> Isn't that how it's supposed to work? 

In an ideal world, perhaps.  But... if you haven't the confidence in
yourself... It's this fear that the one you love will one day realize how
much better they are than you.  Or that fate will one day step in and
point out that, terribly sorry, some mistake has been made.  The person
you love was meant to be with someone else.  And because you love them and
want their happiness... you would agree to it.  

Being told that the person you have loved from afar loves you back is
fantastical enough.  I haven't been with Angel long enough to tell you if
the feeling that you are living inside of a dream ever goes away.  But if
it doesn't - or if Tara still feels it - there is the worry that one day
you shall wake up and it all returns to a fantasy.

It's... it's not that you don't feel the love to be genuine.  Their love,
I mean.  Yours to Tara, in this instance.  It's just... you feel that your
lover could do better than you. Deserves better than you.  And should that
better come along you wouldn't - couldn't - dispute their right to have
it.

> > If - if you don't mind my asking do you mean in the sense that your
> > family, etc. has given you difficulty about this or in the sense that
> > it is strange to think of how you can speak with the people you
> > interact with everyday now that you've realized a fundamental
> > difference in yourself?
> 
> Mostly the first. It's the Jewish thing. I think technically they're
> supposed to throw stones at me, or tie me in a sack with a malevolent
> chicken and swing me around over their heads or something. 

Ah - so they're Reform?

> Instead they just treat Tara very politely, like they do Buffy when she
> comes over -- but not like they did Oz. And psychoanalyse me to death,
> or at least near-terminal boredom, whenever they get me alone. And sigh
> loudly at thoughts of grandchildren, even though the only creatures with
> fewer parental impulses are single celled organisms. 

I - I suspect my family would sigh over the thought of grandchildren as
well.  

> As for the other -- it doesn't really feel like a fundamental
> difference in myself. It feels more like -- like hitting puberty. A lot
> of stuff that was always there but never really woke up till now. 

Yes. I can understand that.

> But I know its a fundamental difference in the way other people see me
> -- and I can see them searching my face, sometimes, to see where the
> changes are. No one's being mean. But some of them are feeling strange
> because of me, and that in turn makes me look at every situation
> differently -- like there's a me on the inside and a me on the outside,
> watching. Does that make any sense? 

It does.  I feel that sometimes with Cordy.  She's still my friend and
quite supportive, yet at the same time... it's as though she's wondering
what *else* is in there that I haven't told her about.

> > > Even me -- looking at other girls. Or guys?
> > 
> > Yes.  I understand this.
> 
> I'm not sure I do.

Well the way in which I meant it was that you reevaluate how you look at
others who you feel are attractive.  I used to think looking at a
beautiful woman meant that I wanted to date her and have some sort of
relationship with her. Now I'm not so sure.  It's - it's somewhat like
being told that what you thought was the color red is actually purple.  Or
being told that an item which is food is actually something you write
with.  You suddenly realize there's an entire part of your perceptions of
the world which were completely inaccurate.

> > For what it is worth, Willow, I can understand it.  If - if my
> > feelings for Angel hadn't been as strong as they were, if Angel
> > himself hadn't done the things that he did, I don't think I would have
> > ever realized how I felt.  I would have gone on as I always had.
> 
> Then you do understand. I don't know. Maybe the next person I fell in
> love with would always have been a woman. But it doesn't feel like that.
> It's not like I went looking for a girlfriend. I just met Tara, and the
> world changed. 

Exactly.

> Well, there's me now. Not necessarily the closest, but at least a
> long-time acquaintance. Got to be worth something, right? 

A great deal, actually.

> Not deception. Just change. As long as you told her, once you realized.
> And if it wasn't the very same second, cut yourself some slack. It's not
> like you wake up one day, hit yourself in the forehead and say "gosh,
> I'm gay". It's gradual. At least, it was for me. 

I suppose that's true.  I think that I feel this a bit more keenly because
my relationship with her started with - with a lot of difficulties of
trust.  She'd had many people who lied to her and betrayed her.  I felt
horrible to have to add myself to the list.

> > There was also confusion.  A great deal of time spent wondering about
> > my entire life - which I've been doing a lot of late anyway - and how
> > this factored in.  Trying to look back and see if there were any
> > clues. Any hints.  Anything which might make sense of it all.
> 
> Were there? From your perspective, I mean?

I'm still pondering, but there are some things, certainly.  How I felt
whenever I was around Angel being the most obvious.  Given how I acted
around him sometimes, I suppose I can't blame him for thinking I was aware
of my attraction.

> I can see that. It was different for me. I didn't feel like I finally
> understood what I wanted all along. It was more that I wanted one thing,
> and then I wanted another. But in general, I get it. Its amazing how
> many people never figure out what they really want -- they just drift
> along doing what they think they should want. 

Therein lies the entire story of my life.  A great deal of time spent
doing what I thought I wanted.

> > When you speak of dealing with others, though, I do understand.
> > Particularly since there are those - such as Cordelia - who must take
> > this in as new information while at the same time there are others -
> > such as Angel - who knew this about me all the while.
> 
> Must have been weird for Cordelia, after that mondo huge crush she had
> on you. 

She handled it remarkably well.  Didn't understand it in the slightest,
and of course had the same concerns about Angel that everyone does, but...
I suspect she sees this as the explanation for why our relationship did
not work out.  And I suppose it is.

> Fair, not the most common commodity.  But seriously, Wesley, you dress
> with a precision that puts drill sargents to shame. You listen to opera.
> You scream like a girl. Are you *sure* you didn't know, on some level,
> or did you just not want to realize? 

I honestly don't know.  Sometimes I suspect both.

> > Forgive me - does he what?
> 
> Does he know that you've come to understand his point of view on
> certain matters far better than you once did? 

Er - I honestly don't know.  I'm hardly Mr. Giles's close correspondant. 
He hasn't expressed a great deal of interest in speaking with me.  I'm
doing my best to respect that.

> > They know of Angel being in England with me.  I couldn't say for
> > certain if it was understood that he was *with* me, but I have my
> > suspicions that they know that as well, or at least have guessed it.
> 
> Why would they care? They fired you, right?

Yes, they did.  However they do have an interest in Angel, if nothing
else.

> > If you could without raising any trouble I would appreciate it.  Thank
> > you.
> 
> Don't thank me yet -- wait and see if it works. 

I'll wish you luck, then.

> > > I seriously doubt it. That's a little wordy for me. How about
> > > "really bad"?
> > 
> > That would be the Californian translation then, yes?
> 
> More or less. There probably should be a "dude" in there somewhere.

I can't help but feel that's one of those words which should never pass my
lips as long as we are attempting to maintain some sort of natural order
in the universe.

> > In which case, then, please at least allow me to say I'm sorry for all
> > the wrongs I did you, Willow.
> 
> It's okay. Or, well, no, it's not either. But it's okayer than it was.

You're very kind to say so.

> Still, fewer meetings. Better dress code. That's gotta be of the good,
> right? 

I feel we're also a damned sight better at actually getting things done
instead of sitting in an ivory tower and talking about them to death.

> > Discovering myself. My feelings for Angel.  Severing my ties with the
> > Council. Trying to determine which side I'm on in all of this. 
> > Deciding to work with Angel and Cordy so that we could help the
> > helpless.  That sort of thing.  As I said - significant only to me,
> > really.
> 
> And to Angel, I hope, if he's taking all these risks for you. What side
> *are* you on, then? 

The one which tries to fight the good fight.

> And how do you you help? 

However we're needed, really.  There are those who come to us directly for
assistance, others who we are called to help by the Powers.  What is
required of us varies, but I imagine would not sound terribly different
from the things you fight in Sunnydale - demons, people in need of rescue,
doing one's best to avert the end of the world.   That sort of thing.

Sincerely,
Wesley

***

To: Wesley
From: Willow

>> We're on exactly the same page. I was having similar thoughts myself.  
> Particularly with regards to the supplication to the Gods.  Based on how
> Angel tells it, the cursing of him was a very quick affair done amidst a
> great deal of chaos.  I find it hard to believe that the gypsies were
> able to pull something this powerful out of thin air during such a time.
>  I suspect this was something long standing and Angelus merely provided
> the opportunity to do it.

That makes a *lot* of sense. Not to mention, why would they have an orb on
hand, otherwise? Not like your average gypsy has a lot of papers to be
weighted.

> I'm tempted to wonder if this was perhaps even a relationship of sorts
> the gypsies had with the "Gods" in question.  Perhaps a favor or boon of
> some sort was owed?

It's possible. Arrgh. I wish we could ask Ms. Calendar some of these
questions. But Giles says seances are of the bad.

> That's a very good idea. I'll do my best to get on that.

Let me know what you come up with. Sorry to make you reinvent the wheel,
but checking your work is a concept that has saved many a math grade.

> > Oh, I get it. So if the translation doesn't matter, maybe its not so
> > much words as caster's intent? But I had the same intent both times,
> > too. Fix this vampire before Buffy has a nervous breakdown pretty much
> > covered it. 
> 
> Another thing to consider might be the emotions of it. When it came to
> Angelus both you and the gypsies had a life or death senario at your
> hands.  For Spike, however, it was a matter of doing a favor.  Life or
> death was part of it, true, but not in the same immediate manner.  That
> may have been an influence.

I guess. It wasn't so much life or death, except his. We knew Buffy would
take him out. But it was gonna hurt her. And yeah, in general, there was
fear, with Angelus. With Spike there was pity. Although I wouldn't put it
that way to him. He's still sensitive about trying to bite me when he
first got the chip.

> Since Tara is more familiar with some aspects of magic than you, could
> you perhaps ask her what colors she normally sees when you spellcast? 
> That might be of some help in separating the "Willow" from the "curse"
> as it were.

She says purple and blue swirlies. And sometimes the silver sparks. What
does that mean? Is this like a witchy mood ring?

> > I don't know. It seemed like it had to be a problem with Spike, since
> > it was the same spell that I used on Angel. But of course the
> > possession was a huge big honking difference. And Angel already had
> > the soul once -- maybe that made it easier? 
> 
> Angel has said that he doesn't think he ever reverted to his mortal self
> when the spell was cast, however.

Good to confirm, but I didn't mean that. I meant -- maybe the original
gypsy curse created, I don't know, a channel? For his soul to flow back
into. Or handholds for it to grab onto. Something that meant he wouldn't
reject it as readily as Spike. Maybe the gypsies could have cursed Spike
too, but I wasn't strong enough unless the vampire was ... receptive, in
some way, already.

> An interesting bit of information, though, is that Angel feels little to
> no attatchment to his mortal self, while Spike does.  It could be that
> it was the same kind of trauma showing itself through different methods
> because of the mindsets they had going into it.

Also possible. Spike feels attachment to his mortal self? He never said.

 I wonder what Buffy did
> > with the ring? 
> 
> Here's hoping she kept it.

Hope so. But I've got a feeling she threw it back at him. Especially
considering it was his spider ring that he used to wear all the time, not
a diamond or anything.

> Whatever the inspiration might have been, the emotions are real now. 
> And a vampire of Spike's strength and reputation would - I think -
> hardly put himself on the line like this for a passing and detrimental
> to himself fancy.

I know its not passing, or it would have passed. Sometimes I wish it had.
And yeah, I know its real now. I just wonder if, you know, like you said
about the traumas going in different directions? If whatever weirdness the
chip was producing in Spike's brain might not have flowed in some other
direction if I hadn't planted the idea in his head in the first place.

> The question then becomes who?  I'll have to research. See what I can
> find out.  A great deal will depend on the tribe in question.

Unfortunately I don't know that either. But Angel would, right? Spike and
Giles might too.

> That seems to be part of the supplication to the Gods, if Ms. Calendar's
> words here are correct.  The orb is a tool - and an obviously necessary
> one - but I don't believe it's used to actually get the soul.  Only to
> guide it.

What gets it then? Me?

> > Yeah, I can see that. I should tell Tara that -- maybe she'd count her
> > blessings. I'm not *going* anywhere. Yeah, if she dumped me, I truly
> > don't know what sex the next person I dated would be  -- but then, if
> > she dumped me, I can't imagine ever coming out from under the covers
> > again, except to accept delivery of more chocolate and kleenex. 
> 
> Here's hoping that does not come to pass, then.

Definitely. I'd build a whole hoping machine for that one.

>> Oh. Um. We all did, Wesley. At least until you and Cordelia got your
> > groove on. The Princess Margaret thing didn't clue you? 
> 
> Not amongst all the other comments which were fired in my direction, no.

Oh. Yeah, we're Team Comment. You gotta learn to sift the substantive
insults from the mere filler.

> > > As I say, though, I do think he wonders if I'll abandon this
> > > relationship for one with a mortal.  So I suppose in some ways it's
> > > quite similar.
> > 
> > Would you?
> 
> No.  

Didn't think so. It'd be so much simpler that if you would at all, you'd
have done it already. Ever tried him on that phrasing? It might get
through.

> It was. It is.  I'm still getting used to the fact that around him... He
> understands that I can do things. Be trusted with things.  I don't mean
> in the sense of - of considering me to be perfect just... I have certain
> skills which are of use to our cause.  He recognizes them and relies
> upon them.  He doesn't question or worry if I shall make a mess of
> things.  He believes that I will do well.  It - it means a great deal to
> me.

I can imagine it would.

> Angel saw a version of me who was worthwhile.  And the more he saw it,
> the more I wanted to be it. To live up to that expectation and surpass
> it, if I could.

Sounds like me and Tara. And -- sorry -- sounds like Buffy and Angel, too.
Her seeing him that way, I mean. And then there's Anya, who gets changed
by loving Xander even though he doesn't seem to see her as anything but
what she is. And then there's Spike, who gets changed by loving Buffy even
though she can't seem to see him as anything but what he was -- or at
least, she's way behind the curve. Love is some weird stuff. Even weirder
than Silly Putty.

> > > Perhaps it's the lack of confidence in herself that you mentioned? 
> > > She might care for you so much and value you so greatly that she may
> > > wonder why someone like you would care for her in return?  I - I
> > > confess it's a mindset I can understand.
> > 
> > Could you explain it to me? Cause it makes no sense to me at all. I
> > love her and care for her so much. She loves me and cares for me so
> > much. Isn't that how it's supposed to work? 
> 
> In an ideal world, perhaps.  But... if you haven't the confidence in
> yourself... It's this fear that the one you love will one day realize
> how much better they are than you.  Or that fate will one day step in
> and point out that, terribly sorry, some mistake has been made.  The
> person you love was meant to be with someone else.  And because you love
> them and want their happiness... you would agree to it.  

I'm not better than her! She's the bravest person I've ever known. Except
Buffy. Which is a whole other kettle of overused metaphors. Knowing you
have a destiny to save the world against overwhelming odds is tough. But
not knowing what the hell you're supposed to be, or worse, thinking you
know, only its really wrong and icky and all the people you love are the
ones who made you believe it, and still turning into someone strong and
kind, is a different kind of tough.

I mean, yeah. I would agree to anything Tara needed. Even leaving me. But
why would she need that? Why would she think I would ever need that?

> Being told that the person you have loved from afar loves you back is
> fantastical enough.  I haven't been with Angel long enough to tell you
> if the feeling that you are living inside of a dream ever goes away. 
> But if it doesn't - or if Tara still feels it - there is the worry that
> one day you shall wake up and it all returns to a fantasy.

She said something almost exactly like that. But I'm not fantasy Willow. I
color code my class notes. I burp, I snore, I get cranky when I don't get
my ovaltine. I'm nobody's dream girl. Which is good. Because, hey, REM
sleep kinda limits your mobility.

> It's... it's not that you don't feel the love to be genuine.  Their
> love, I mean.  Yours to Tara, in this instance.  It's just... you feel
> that your lover could do better than you. Deserves better than you.  And
> should that better come along you wouldn't - couldn't - dispute their
> right to have it.

I can't imagine anything better. But even if it did come along -- even if
you could scientifically prove it to me to eight decimal places that it
was better -- I don't care. If it means losing Tara, I don't want it.

> > Mostly the first. It's the Jewish thing. I think technically they're
> > supposed to throw stones at me, or tie me in a sack with a malevolent
> > chicken and swing me around over their heads or something. 
> 
> Ah - so they're Reform?

[giggle] yeah. Why, is it a malevolent turkey if you're orthodox?

> I - I suspect my family would sigh over the thought of grandchildren as
> well.  

Are you an only child too? I'm beginning to wish they'd had eight. I'd
have had to share my room, but statistically, at least one must have been
straight and inclined to reproduce.

> It does.  I feel that sometimes with Cordy.  She's still my friend and
> quite supportive, yet at the same time... it's as though she's wondering
> what *else* is in there that I haven't told her about.

Are you sure that even has to do with being gay? I mean, if you've changed
as much as you say, there must be a lot that's different since she first
met you.

> Well the way in which I meant it was that you reevaluate how you look at
> others who you feel are attractive.  I used to think looking at a
> beautiful woman meant that I wanted to date her and have some sort of
> relationship with her. Now I'm not so sure.  It's - it's somewhat like
> being told that what you thought was the color red is actually purple. 
> Or being told that an item which is food is actually something you write
> with.  You suddenly realize there's an entire part of your perceptions
> of the world which were completely inaccurate.

Yeah. Kind of. I mean, I still am attracted to guys. I think. Sometimes. I
don't know a lot of guys, except Xander and Spike, and I never was much
for ogling on the street. Maybe goggling, but no ogling. It was always as
much a personality thing as looks. And now when I look at girls I find
myself looking at their breasts instead of their faces. And I can't tell
if that's because I really want them, or just because I know what they're
for now, like I never did before.

> > Well, there's me now. Not necessarily the closest, but at least a
> > long-time acquaintance. Got to be worth something, right? 
> 
> A great deal, actually.

Good. We gay bookworm curse researching types gotta stick together. How
many of us could there be?

> I suppose that's true.  I think that I feel this a bit more keenly
> because my relationship with her started with - with a lot of
> difficulties of trust.  She'd had many people who lied to her and
> betrayed her.  I felt horrible to have to add myself to the list.

Was she in love with you?

> I'm still pondering, but there are some things, certainly.  How I felt
> whenever I was around Angel being the most obvious.  Given how I acted
> around him sometimes, I suppose I can't blame him for thinking I was
> aware of my attraction.

He thought you knew you wanted him, but you didn't. Confusing. Did he know
he wanted you? Did you know he wanted you?

> Therein lies the entire story of my life.  A great deal of time spent
> doing what I thought I wanted.

It can't be the story of your life. How old are you? We're only on, what,
chapter four? Are you doing what you really want now?

> > Must have been weird for Cordelia, after that mondo huge crush she had
> > on you. 
> 
> She handled it remarkably well.  Didn't understand it in the slightest,
> and of course had the same concerns about Angel that everyone does,
> but... I suspect she sees this as the explanation for why our
> relationship did not work out.  And I suppose it is.

That works, then. As excuses go, its hard to take personally.

> Er - I honestly don't know.  I'm hardly Mr. Giles's close correspondant.
>  He hasn't expressed a great deal of interest in speaking with me.  I'm
> doing my best to respect that.

Probably for the best. But -- it still might be worth telling him, some
time. He's a bit isolated himself, you know, with a council he can't
trust, a bunch of college kids and a really irritating vampire for
company. He could probably use the reassurance that *anybody* else thinks
he's not completely crazy -- especially someone who comes from the same
background.

> Yes, they did.  However they do have an interest in Angel, if nothing
> else.

I guess. But isn't the world full of vampires that, oh, kill people? The
watchers are starting to remind me of a cop that lets a rapist go to write
a parking ticket.

> > > If you could without raising any trouble I would appreciate it. 
> > > Thank you.
> > 
> > Don't thank me yet -- wait and see if it works. 
> 
> I'll wish you luck, then.

He said he would. He doesn't have the relevant books -- if he did I'd have
seen them already -- and apparently the council is more than a bit
skittish about giving us anything to do with the curse. But he thinks he
can disguise it amid other things we're also researching.

> > More or less. There probably should be a "dude" in there somewhere.
> 
> I can't help but feel that's one of those words which should never pass
> my lips as long as we are attempting to maintain some sort of natural
> order in the universe.

Probably a wise choice.

> > > In which case, then, please at least allow me to say I'm sorry for
> > > all the wrongs I did you, Willow.
> > 
> > It's okay. Or, well, no, it's not either. But it's okayer than it was.
> 
> You're very kind to say so.

Not really. I'd be very kind to say it's okay, period. But I was more
going for accurate.

> > Still, fewer meetings. Better dress code. That's gotta be of the good,
> > right? 
> 
> I feel we're also a damned sight better at actually getting things done
> instead of sitting in an ivory tower and talking about them to death.

Than we were? Can't recall too many ivory towers in the Sunnydale
vicinity. It's hard enough to get Buffy to listen to theories that
directly relate to slayage.

> > And to Angel, I hope, if he's taking all these risks for you. What
> > side *are* you on, then? 
> 
> The one which tries to fight the good fight.

But that's *everybody's* side. Except Spike's. The question is, what do
you think the good fight is?

> However we're needed, really.  There are those who come to us directly
> for assistance, others who we are called to help by the Powers.  What is
> required of us varies, but I imagine would not sound terribly different
> from the things you fight in Sunnydale - demons, people in need of
> rescue, doing one's best to avert the end of the world.   That sort of
> thing.

Yeah, been there, done that, got that t-shirt in several different sizes.
It's kinda fun, huh? In a nerve-wracking and deadly way.

--Willow

***

To: Willow
From: Wesley

> That makes a *lot* of sense. Not to mention, why would they have an orb
> on hand, otherwise? Not like your average gypsy has a lot of papers to
> be weighted. 

A mostly verbal history adds to that problem as well, yes.

I'm going to try to do some research to see if I can find any mention of
Gods owing gypsies any favors.  Doubtful that the gypsies themselves
would've written it down but there's a chance there might be reference to
it somewhere.

> > I'm tempted to wonder if this was perhaps even a relationship of sorts 
> > the gypsies had with the "Gods" in question.  Perhaps a favor or boon of 
> > some sort was owed?
> 
> It's possible. Arrgh. I wish we could ask Ms. Calendar some of these
> questions. But Giles says seances are of the bad. 

Unfortunately yes.

> > That's a very good idea. I'll do my best to get on that.
> 
> Let me know what you come up with. Sorry to make you reinvent the
> wheel, but checking your work is a concept that has saved many a math
> grade. 

Quite true.  And I think I shall put aside Ms. Calendar's translation for
a moment so that I can truly reinvent the wheel. It shall take a bit
longer but I'd rather not trap myself into certain ideas just because that
is how the final curse ended up.  I'm more likely to think outside of the
box if I don't notice the box in the first place.

> I guess. It wasn't so much life or death, except his. We knew Buffy
> would take him out. But it was gonna hurt her. And yeah, in general,
> there was fear, with Angelus. With Spike there was pity. Although I
> wouldn't put it that way to him. He's still sensitive about trying to
> bite me when he first got the chip. 

My lips are sealed.

> > Since Tara is more familiar with some aspects of magic than you, could 
> > you perhaps ask her what colors she normally sees when you 
> > spellcast?  That might be of some help in separating the "Willow" from 
> > the "curse" as it were.
> 
> She says purple and blue swirlies. And sometimes the silver sparks. What
> does that mean? Is this like a witchy mood ring? 

Sometimes it can be, yes.  But for the most part - everyone has what might
be termed (and is often commonly termed) an aura. An essense of self, as
it were.  Depending upon one's mood and overall health the color of the
aura can change, but at the same time everyone also has color combinations
which is their "normal" state.  It's not a wholly accurate comparison, but
one could say that while you could change your clothes to reflect your
mood, your body would more or less be the same.

I wanted you to ask Tara the colors she commonly sees when you 
perform magic because those are the colors most likely to be "you" and
therefore any other colors that might have been noticable during the curse
casting would have potentially been an outside influence.

Er - for what it's worth, the colors you described indicate that as a
person and as a witch you are of an orderly mindset, generally at peace,
with - er - a great deal of - of passion in you.  That - that would be the
blue and the purple swirlies.  And - er - the - the purple might be due to
Tara's being in the room, but magic being as emotional as it can be at
times you may be channelling that into your work as well which is -
 as you say - of the good and nothing to be worried about.

The silver, based on how you are describing it, sounds as though it is
coming from your interactions with the magical plane.  It's a good energy,
as I've said. Often holy.  Er - some would align it with the element of
air, if they were into that sort of thing.  But I'll keep looking into it.

> > Angel has said that he doesn't think he ever reverted to his mortal self 
> > when the spell was cast, however.
> 
> Good to confirm, but I didn't mean that. I meant -- maybe the original
> gypsy curse created, I don't know, a channel? For his soul to flow back
> into. Or handholds for it to grab onto. Something that meant he
> wouldn't reject it as readily as Spike. Maybe the gypsies could have
> cursed Spike too, but I wasn't strong enough unless the vampire was ...
> receptive, in some way, already. 

Ahh, yes, I see what you're saying.  Which could tie in to the part of the
spell regarding "binding". Perhaps what's being bound is the vampire self
so that the souled self can take over.

> > An interesting bit of information, though, is that Angel feels little
> > to no 
> > attatchment to his mortal self, while Spike does.  It could be that it
> > was 
> > the same kind of trauma showing itself through different methods
> > because of the mindsets they had going into it.
> 
> Also possible. Spike feels attachment to his mortal self? He never said.

Well - moreso than Angel does.  Which makes sense when you 
consider that Spike called himself William the Bloody, whereas 
Angel/Angelus was never Angel's mortal name and damned if any of us 
know what it was.

> > Here's hoping she kept it.
> 
> Hope so. But I've got a feeling she threw it back at him. Especially
> considering it was his spider ring that he used to wear all the time,
> not a diamond or anything. 

Ah. I was thinking she could always sell it for something useful.  Or
continue to hold it for sentiment, perhaps.

> > Whatever the inspiration might have been, the emotions are real now.  
> > And a vampire of Spike's strength and reputation would - I think - hardly 
> > put himself on the line like this for a passing and detrimental to himself 
> > fancy.
> 
> I know its not passing, or it would have passed. Sometimes I wish it
> had. And yeah, I know its real now. I just wonder if, you know, like you
> said about the traumas going in different directions? If whatever
> weirdness the chip was producing in Spike's brain might not have flowed
> in some other direction if I hadn't planted the idea in his head in the
> first place. 

But you planted the idea in Buffy's head, did you not?  I thought you told
her "why don't you marry him?"  That would put the crux of the spell in
Buffy's head, not Spike's. I'm not saying he wouldn't have been influenced
by it, particularly in a spell of that sort, but he would have been
secondary.

> > The question then becomes who?  I'll have to research. See what I can 
> > find out.  A great deal will depend on the tribe in question.
> 
> Unfortunately I don't know that either. But Angel would, right? Spike
> and Giles might too. 

Angel would know. I'll ask him what he remembers.

> > That seems to be part of the supplication to the Gods, if Ms. Calendar's 
> > words here are correct.  The orb is a tool - and an obviously necessary 
> > one - but I don't believe it's used to actually get the soul.  Only to
> > guide 
> > it.
> 
> What gets it then? Me?

Possibly. Or the Gods.  

> > > > As I say, though, I do think he wonders if I'll abandon this relationship
> > > > for one with a mortal.  So I suppose in some ways it's quite similar.
> > > 
> > > Would you?
> > 
> > No.  
> 
> Didn't think so. It'd be so much simpler that if you would at all,
> you'd have done it already. Ever tried him on that phrasing? It might
> get through. 

We shall see. Angel has the remarkable talent of being rather thick-
headed.  As I'm sure you're aware.

> > Angel saw a version of me who was worthwhile.  And the more he saw 
> > it, the more I wanted to be it. To live up to that expectation and surpass 
> > it, if I could.
> 
> Sounds like me and Tara. And -- sorry -- sounds like Buffy and Angel,
> too. Her seeing him that way, I mean. 

No apology necessary. But thank you. And I agree.

> And then there's Anya, who gets changed by loving Xander even though he
> doesn't seem to see her as anything but what she is. And then there's
> Spike, who gets changed by loving Buffy even though she can't seem to
> see him as anything but what he was -- or at least, she's way behind the
> curve. Love is some weird stuff. Even weirder than Silly Putty. 

The sheer pairings alone are enough to make the mind boggle.

> > In an ideal world, perhaps.  But... if you haven't the confidence in
> > yourself... It's this fear that the one you love will one day realize
> > how much better they are than you.  Or that fate will one day step in
> > and point out that, terribly sorry, some mistake has been made.  The person 
> > you love was meant to be with someone else.  And because you love 
> > them and want their happiness... you would agree to it.  
> 
> I'm not better than her! She's the bravest person I've ever known.

Have you told her this?  And, if so, do you say it often?  Repetition can
go a long way in such things.

> Except Buffy. Which is a whole other kettle of overused metaphors.
> Knowing you have a destiny to save the world against overwhelming odds
> is tough. But not knowing what the hell you're supposed to be, or
> worse, thinking you know, only its really wrong and icky and all the
> people you love are the ones who made you believe it, and still turning
> into someone strong and kind, is a different kind of tough. 

Were I Tara, it would mean the world for someone to say such a thing to
me.

> I mean, yeah. I would agree to anything Tara needed. Even leaving me.
> But why would she need that? Why would she think I would ever need that?
> 

Because she cares for you and wants you to have the best. If she does not
believe herself to be the best, then she'll bow to whomever is.

> > Being told that the person you have loved from afar loves you back is 
> > fantastical enough.  I haven't been with Angel long enough to tell you if 
> > the feeling that you are living inside of a dream ever goes away.  But
> > if it 
> > doesn't - or if Tara still feels it - there is the worry that one day
> > you shall 
> > wake up and it all returns to a fantasy.
> 
> She said something almost exactly like that. But I'm not fantasy
> Willow. I color code my class notes. I burp, I snore, I get cranky when
> I don't get my ovaltine. I'm nobody's dream girl. Which is good.
> Because, hey, REM sleep kinda limits your mobility. 

You're her dream girl.  For her that's enough to make it so.

> I can't imagine anything better. But even if it did come along -- even
> if you could scientifically prove it to me to eight decimal places that
> it was better -- I don't care. If it means losing Tara, I don't want it.
> 

Give her time - and patience.  With enough time to see that you haven't
gone anywhere - that she can wake up and you'll still be there - her
nerves may ease.

> > > Mostly the first. It's the Jewish thing. I think technically they're
> > > supposed to throw stones at me, or tie me in a sack with a malevolent
> > > chicken and swing me around over their heads or something. 
> > 
> > Ah - so they're Reform?
> 
> [giggle] yeah. Why, is it a malevolent turkey if you're orthodox?

Goat, actually.  

> > I - I suspect my family would sigh over the thought of grandchildren as 
> > well.  
> 
> Are you an only child too?

Yes.

> > It does.  I feel that sometimes with Cordy.  She's still my friend and
> > quite supportive, yet at the same time... it's as though she's wondering 
> > what *else* is in there that I haven't told her about.
> 
> Are you sure that even has to do with being gay? I mean, if you've
> changed as much as you say, there must be a lot that's different since
> she first met you. 

That's a good point.  Although I got this impression from her after she
found out about my relationship with Angel, which is why I tend to point
to that as the cause of it all.

> Yeah. Kind of. I mean, I still am attracted to guys. I think.
> Sometimes. I don't know a lot of guys, except Xander and Spike, and I
> never was much for ogling on the street. Maybe goggling, but no ogling.
> It was always as much a personality thing as looks. And now when I look
> at girls I find myself looking at their breasts instead of their faces.
> And I can't tell if that's because I really want them, or just because I
> know what they're for now, like I never did before. 

I know precisely what you mean!  Not - not about staring at women's 
breasts, of course but - the second guessing.  I had something very 
similar with a friend of ours - everyone here in LA, I mean - where I
wasn't certain if the things we were saying to one another were simply
friendship or if there were flirtatious undertones there which I was only
picking up on now because I was aware of my attraction to men. Or,
conversely, if I was only imagining the undertones *because* of my
newfound awareness.  It made things terribly confusing for me.

> > A great deal, actually.
> 
> Good. We gay bookworm curse researching types gotta stick together.

I - I agree.

> How many of us could there be? 

Apparently the odds are getting better all the time.

> Was she in love with you?

We were... very affectionate towards one another but I do not know if I
would have - or she would have - called it love.  I think we could have
spent a great deal of time together and been quite happy but... not
deliriously in love, no.

> He thought you knew you wanted him, but you didn't. Confusing. Did he
> know he wanted you? Did you know he wanted you?  

He knew, I did not.  I - I actually thought at one point he was teasing
me.  According to Angel, though, he did attempt to see if I had an
interest at one time but, when I did not respond to the overture, assumed
I was not interested in him.  I, on the other hand, had been completely
oblivious.

I'm sure that's shocking to you, knowing me as you do.

> It can't be the story of your life. How old are you? We're only on,
> what, chapter four? Are you doing what you really want now? 

Story of my life so far, then?  And yes, I am doing what I want now.

> Probably for the best. But -- it still might be worth telling him, some
> time. He's a bit isolated himself, you know, with a council he can't
> trust, a bunch of college kids and a really irritating vampire for
> company. He could probably use the reassurance that *anybody* else
> thinks he's not completely crazy -- especially someone who comes from
> the same background. 

I - I certainly wouldn't mind if Mr. Giles would care to speak with me, or
for us to at least commiserate over shared troubles.  But... given his
past with Angel, and with me, and with the Council... I can't say I blame
him for his lack of desire to do so right now.  I am content to wait and
respect his wishes.

> > Yes, they did.  However they do have an interest in Angel, if nothing
> > else.
> 
> I guess. But isn't the world full of vampires that, oh, kill people? The
> watchers are starting to remind me of a cop that lets a rapist go to
> write a parking ticket. 

You and I both.  It is staggering to me that to them Angel is no different
from any other vampire.  Even given the supposition that all vampires are
evil, could they not at least observe that right now Angel is attempting
to go and at least hold off on plans to kill him until such time as other,
far more pressing evils are taken care of?

> He said he would. He doesn't have the relevant books -- if he did I'd
> have seen them already -- and apparently the council is more than a bit
> skittish about giving us anything to do with the curse. But he thinks he
> can disguise it amid other things we're also researching. 

Yes... you know it occurs to me that we should perhaps have a care, 
here.  I don't think the Council would know that you and I are speaking,
but if they did they would make the connection to discovering that I am
attempting to learn more about the curse for Angel's benefit.  I know you
are already being circumspect, but I wanted to mention this to you as
further warning.  I - I'm not a good name to be associated with in many
circles, I'm afraid.

> > I feel we're also a damned sight better at actually getting things done 
> > instead of sitting in an ivory tower and talking about them to death.
> 
> Than we were? 

Oh no!  Forgive me, that wasn't what I meant to say.  I meant in 
comparison to the Council, which tends to talk things to death. No - you
all in Sunnydale were remarkable in your handling of things. 
Inspirational, even.

> But that's *everybody's* side. Except Spike's. The question is, what do
> you think the good fight is? 

Do you know I've never attempted to articulate it?  Only - I know when I
help those who need it, I am doing good.  When we rescue someone from
Cordy's visions I know that is what I am doing.  Helping Angel in his
cause is most assuredly the good fight.  It just... seems to me that there
are those who have nothing to defend them, and if in some way I can assist
and attempt to put things right... it's the good thing.

> Yeah, been there, done that, got that t-shirt in several different
> sizes. It's kinda fun, huh? In a nerve-wracking and deadly way. 

Yes. Well.  What's the good fight without a little death and nerve 
damage?

Sincerely,
Wesley

***

To: Wesley
From: Willow

> I'm going to try to do some research to see if I can find any mention of
> Gods owing gypsies any favors.  Doubtful that the gypsies themselves
> would've written it down but there's a chance there might be reference
> to it somewhere.

Check gypsy folk songs too. I'm thinking in an oral tradition, anything
big like that would probably become campfire singalong material pretty
quick.

> Quite true.  And I think I shall put aside Ms. Calendar's translation
> for a moment so that I can truly reinvent the wheel. It shall take a bit
> longer but I'd rather not trap myself into certain ideas just because
> that is how the final curse ended up.  I'm more likely to think outside
> of the box if I don't notice the box in the first place.

Makes sense. No box here.

> > I guess. It wasn't so much life or death, except his. We knew Buffy
> > would take him out. But it was gonna hurt her. And yeah, in general,
> > there was fear, with Angelus. With Spike there was pity. Although I
> > wouldn't put it that way to him. He's still sensitive about trying to
> > bite me when he first got the chip. 
> 
> My lips are sealed.

Thanks.

> > She says purple and blue swirlies. And sometimes the silver sparks.
> > What does that mean? Is this like a witchy mood ring? 
> 
> Sometimes it can be, yes.  But for the most part - everyone has what
> might be termed (and is often commonly termed) an aura. An essense of
> self, as it were.  Depending upon one's mood and overall health the
> color of the aura can change, but at the same time everyone also has
> color combinations which is their "normal" state.  It's not a wholly
> accurate comparison, but one could say that while you could change your
> clothes to reflect your mood, your body would more or less be the same.

I get it. So blue would be my body, and purple would be my "yay, Tara's
here!" outfit. And the silver sparks could be earrings or something.

> I wanted you to ask Tara the colors she commonly sees when you 
> perform magic because those are the colors most likely to be "you" and
> therefore any other colors that might have been noticable during the
> curse casting would have potentially been an outside influence.

During the first casting, Cordelia and Oz were there. Oz is ...
inavailable for comment. You could ask Cordy if she saw anything, but as
far as I know she's as magically aware as a ham sandwich. Except for the
visions thingies, I guess, now. I'll ask Tara if she saw anyhing different
when we cast Spike's.

> Er - for what it's worth, the colors you described indicate that as a
> person and as a witch you are of an orderly mindset, generally at peace,
> with - er - a great deal of - of passion in you.  That - that would be
> the blue and the purple swirlies.  And - er - the - the purple might be
> due to Tara's being in the room, but magic being as emotional as it can
> be at times you may be channelling that into your work as well which is
> -
>  as you say - of the good and nothing to be worried about.

That's alright then.

> The silver, based on how you are describing it, sounds as though it is
> coming from your interactions with the magical plane.  It's a good
> energy, as I've said. Often holy.  Er - some would align it with the
> element of air, if they were into that sort of thing.  But I'll keep
> looking into it.

Thanks. Let me know if you find anything else.

> > > Angel has said that he doesn't think he ever reverted to his mortal 
> self 
> > > when the spell was cast, however.
> > 
> > Good to confirm, but I didn't mean that. I meant -- maybe the original
> > gypsy curse created, I don't know, a channel? For his soul to flow 
> back
> > into. Or handholds for it to grab onto. Something that meant he
> > wouldn't reject it as readily as Spike. Maybe the gypsies could have
> > cursed Spike too, but I wasn't strong enough unless the vampire was 
> ...
> > receptive, in some way, already. 
> 
> Ahh, yes, I see what you're saying.  Which could tie in to the part of
> the spell regarding "binding". Perhaps what's being bound is the vampire
> self so that the souled self can take over.

Maybe. Or maybe its the soul that has to be bound, in a form that allows
it to be transported from one plane to another? Or even both? Or even
binding the soul and the vampire self to one another?

> > Also possible. Spike feels attachment to his mortal self? He never 
> said.
> 
> Well - moreso than Angel does.  Which makes sense when you 
> consider that Spike called himself William the Bloody, whereas 
> Angel/Angelus was never Angel's mortal name and damned if any of us know
> what it was.

Good point. Although maybe he just didn't like it. Maybe his real name is
Eugene, and becoming a vampire just seemed like a convenient moment to fix
that, and kill everyone who ever knew about it.

> Ah. I was thinking she could always sell it for something useful.  Or
> continue to hold it for sentiment, perhaps.

Dunno. I'll remember to ask her, one of these days.

> > I know its not passing, or it would have passed. Sometimes I wish it
> > had. And yeah, I know its real now. I just wonder if, you know, like
> > you said about the traumas going in different directions? If whatever
> > weirdness the chip was producing in Spike's brain might not have 
> flowed
> > in some other direction if I hadn't planted the idea in his head in
> > the first place. 
> 
> But you planted the idea in Buffy's head, did you not?  I thought you
> told her "why don't you marry him?"  That would put the crux of the
> spell in Buffy's head, not Spike's. I'm not saying he wouldn't have been
> influenced by it, particularly in a spell of that sort, but he would
> have been secondary.

Actually, neither one of them was around. I said "if he's so important,
why doesn't she just marry him?" to Xander, when I was whining about Buffy
going out to hunt for Spike, who had escaped from Giles' place, instead of
staying home to comfort me.

> Angel would know. I'll ask him what he remembers.

Any luck?

> The orb is a tool - and an obviously 
> necessary 
> > > one - but I don't believe it's used to actually get the soul.  Only
> > > to 
> guide 
> > > it.
> > 
> > What gets it then? Me?
> 
> Possibly. Or the Gods.  

Whoever they are.

> > Didn't think so. It'd be so much simpler that if you would at all,
> > you'd have done it already. Ever tried him on that phrasing? It might
> > get through. 
> 
> We shall see. Angel has the remarkable talent of being rather thick-
> headed.  As I'm sure you're aware.

The thought has crossed my mind from time to time, yeah. But then so do
you. And yet learning seems to have occurred. I don't suppose you hung
onto the sledgehammer?

> The sheer pairings alone are enough to make the mind boggle.

Yeah, aren't they? Weird, weird, nothin' but 100 percent weird are us.

> > I'm not better than her! She's the bravest person I've ever known.
> 
> Have you told her this?  And, if so, do you say it often?  Repetition
> can go a long way in such things.

I have. But not often. Or anyway not often enough. I can fix that. Right
now, in fact. Back in 5.

> > Except Buffy. Which is a whole other kettle of overused metaphors.
> > Knowing you have a destiny to save the world against overwhelming 
> odds
> > is tough. But not knowing what the hell you're supposed to be, or
> > worse, thinking you know, only its really wrong and icky and all the
> > people you love are the ones who made you believe it, and still
> > turning into someone strong and kind, is a different kind of tough. 
> 
> Were I Tara, it would mean the world for someone to say such a thing to
> me.

I will. I did, just now. I think it helped, a little. It made her smile
anyway, that slow special smile that makes me forget how to breathe...
Anyway. Sorry its been more than five minutes.

And. Um. You're not Tara. But if it means anything to Wesley, someone just
did.

> Because she cares for you and wants you to have the best. If she does
> not believe herself to be the best, then she'll bow to whomever is.

She is the best. Always.

> Give her time - and patience.  With enough time to see that you haven't
> gone anywhere - that she can wake up and you'll still be there - her
> nerves may ease.

Here's hopin'. Have yours?

> > > > Mostly the first. It's the Jewish thing. I think technically
> > > > they're supposed to throw stones at me, or tie me in a sack with a
> > > > 
> malevolent
> > > > chicken and swing me around over their heads or something. 
> > > 
> > > Ah - so they're Reform?
> > 
> > [giggle] yeah. Why, is it a malevolent turkey if you're orthodox?
> 
> Goat, actually.  

That makes sense. I think they'd seriously consider it, if I hadn't got
their goat already.

> > > I - I suspect my family would sigh over the thought of grandchildren
> > > 
> as 
> > > well.  
> > 
> > Are you an only child too?
> 
> Yes.

Oh, well. I can't feel too guilty about it. They made their choices, now I
make mine. Though I suppose Tara and I might have a baby someday, through
the miracle of modern science. I can imagine her pregnant, all rounded and
glowy.

> > Are you sure that even has to do with being gay? I mean, if you've
> > changed as much as you say, there must be a lot that's different since
> > she first met you. 
> 
> That's a good point.  Although I got this impression from her after she
> found out about my relationship with Angel, which is why I tend to point
> to that as the cause of it all.

Might be. But it also might be that that was just the one sudden change,
that made her really realize all the gradual ones.

> I know precisely what you mean!  Not - not about staring at women's
> breasts, of course but - the second guessing.  I had something very
> similar with a friend of ours - everyone here in LA, I mean - where I
> wasn't certain if the things we were saying to one another were simply
> friendship or if there were flirtatious undertones there which I was
> only picking up on now because I was aware of my attraction to men. Or,
> conversely, if I was only imagining the undertones *because* of my
> newfound awareness.  It made things terribly confusing for me.

I can imagine. *Are* you attracted to him? Not instead of Angel, I don't
mean. Just in theory.

> > > A great deal, actually.
> > 
> > Good. We gay bookworm curse researching types gotta stick together.
> 
> I - I agree.

Then that's settled.

> > How many of us could there be? 
> 
> Apparently the odds are getting better all the time.

True. But now I think we've hit a wall. We could get Tara or Angel in on
the curse researchy part, but neither of them is much of a bookworm. Giles
isn't gay. And Spike isn't either.

> > Was she in love with you?
> 
> We were... very affectionate towards one another but I do not know if I
> would have - or she would have - called it love.  I think we could have
> spent a great deal of time together and been quite happy but... not
> deliriously in love, no.

Then she'll get over it. I mean, she would have anyway, eventually, but...
you know what I mean. Buffy was mega sad when Riley left. But not like she
was when Angel did.

> > He thought you knew you wanted him, but you didn't. Confusing. Did he
> > know he wanted you? Did you know he wanted you?  
> 
> He knew, I did not.  I - I actually thought at one point he was teasing
> me.  According to Angel, though, he did attempt to see if I had an
> interest at one time but, when I did not respond to the overture,
> assumed I was not interested in him.  I, on the other hand, had been
> completely oblivious.

I get that. You'd be amazed to hear how long it took for me to realize
what Tara meant by "I like you" and why she kept blushing when she said
it.

> I'm sure that's shocking to you, knowing me as you do.

[giggle] Never been so surprised in my life. What's next? Lights that go
on when you flick a switch?

> > It can't be the story of your life. How old are you? We're only on,
> > what, chapter four? Are you doing what you really want now? 
> 
> Story of my life so far, then?  And yes, I am doing what I want now.

Glad to hear it. In spite of everything.

> > Probably for the best. But -- it still might be worth telling him,
> > some time. He's a bit isolated himself, you know, with a council he
> > can't trust, a bunch of college kids and a really irritating vampire
> > for company. He could probably use the reassurance that *anybody* else
> > thinks he's not completely crazy -- especially someone who comes from
> > the same background. 
> 
> I - I certainly wouldn't mind if Mr. Giles would care to speak with me,
> or for us to at least commiserate over shared troubles.  But... given
> his past with Angel, and with me, and with the Council... I can't say I
> blame him for his lack of desire to do so right now.  I am content to
> wait and respect his wishes.

As long as he knows that's what you're doing. Look, Wesley, I'm not gonna
pretend that he or anybody here is exactly pining for your company, or
panting for your good opinion either. But the way we remember you best was
not exactly patient or humble. So I doubt it ever occurred to him that
you'd be waiting and respecting his wishes. It sure as heck wouldn't have
occurred to me.

> You and I both.  It is staggering to me that to them Angel is no
> different from any other vampire.  Even given the supposition that all
> vampires are evil, could they not at least observe that right now Angel
> is attempting to go and at least hold off on plans to kill him until
> such time as other, far more pressing evils are taken care of?

You would think. Especially since I've met the evils. They press.

> > He said he would. He doesn't have the relevant books -- if he did I'd
> > have seen them already -- and apparently the council is more than a
> > bit skittish about giving us anything to do with the curse. But he
> > thinks he can disguise it amid other things we're also researching. 
> 
> Yes... you know it occurs to me that we should perhaps have a care,
> here.  I don't think the Council would know that you and I are speaking,
> but if they did they would make the connection to discovering that I am
> attempting to learn more about the curse for Angel's benefit.  I know
> you are already being circumspect, but I wanted to mention this to you
> as further warning.  I - I'm not a good name to be associated with in
> many circles, I'm afraid.

They don't know. Nobody knows but Spike, and bizarre as he frequently is,
I really don't think he's penpals with that Watcher girl that kept staring
at him in England. But yeah, I'll be careful.

> > > I feel we're also a damned sight better at actually getting things 
> done 
> > > instead of sitting in an ivory tower and talking about them to
> > > death.
> > 
> > Than we were? 
> 
> Oh no!  Forgive me, that wasn't what I meant to say.  I meant in 
> comparison to the Council, which tends to talk things to death. 

Oh. That makes more sense.

No - you 
> all in Sunnydale were remarkable in your handling of things.  
> Inspirational, even.

Um. Thanks. Are you sure you're feeling okay?

> > But that's *everybody's* side. Except Spike's. The question is, what
> > do you think the good fight is? 

> Do you know I've never attempted to articulate it?  Only - I know when I
> help those who need it, I am doing good.  When we rescue someone from
> Cordy's visions I know that is what I am doing.  Helping Angel in his
> cause is most assuredly the good fight.  It just... seems to me that
> there are those who have nothing to defend them, and if in some way I
> can assist and attempt to put things right... it's the good thing.

I'm glad you've never tried to spell it out, actually. Didn't need a
dissertation. Just -- when we knew you, you were pretty incompetent, yeah.
But that just made you funny. Xander's been that guy for years. And you
always *wanted* to be fighting the good fight. Not like Faith, I mean.
Thing is, you also put principles ahead of actual people, and insisted
everyone else do the same. *That* made you dangerous. Not to mention a
pain in the neck. I wanted to see if you've gotten over it yet, or just
adopted a new set of rules to replace the Watcher ones. Seems like you
might have.

> > Yeah, been there, done that, got that t-shirt in several different
> > sizes. It's kinda fun, huh? In a nerve-wracking and deadly way. 
> 
> Yes. Well.  What's the good fight without a little death and nerve
> damage?

Dull, according to Spike. Personally, I could use a little dullness once
in a while. At least long enough to pass a class or two.

--Willow

***

To: Willow
From: Wesley

> Check gypsy folk songs too. I'm thinking in an oral tradition, anything
> big like that would probably become campfire singalong material pretty
> quick. 

An excellent idea.  I was thinking more along the lines of epic shared
legends but you're right.  That would be a distinct possibility as well.
We've excellent libraries nearby. I'll see what I can find.

> I get it. So blue would be my body, and purple would be my "yay, Tara's
> here!" outfit. And the silver sparks could be earrings or something. 

Exactly!  Blue meaning you are a stable, calm and balanced person 
normally, purple being your quite literal passion for the woman you love
and silver indicating the magic you are using.

> During the first casting, Cordelia and Oz were there. Oz is ...
> inavailable for comment. You could ask Cordy if she saw anything, but as
> far as I know she's as magically aware as a ham sandwich. Except for the
> visions thingies, I guess, now.

Cordelia's visions have not given her any other abilities to date.  And
even in the visions they do tend to be less than abstract.  She sees
events happening.  No real sense of the magic around it.

Frankly I've a poor eye for it myself. I can cast minor spells and 
incantations but don't have much talent in the realm of magical senses.

> > Ahh, yes, I see what you're saying.  Which could tie in to the part of
> > the spell regarding "binding". Perhaps what's being bound is the
> > vampire self so that the souled self can take over.
> 
> Maybe. Or maybe its the soul that has to be bound, in a form that
> allows it to be transported from one plane to another? Or even both? Or
> even binding the soul and the vampire self to one another? 

Perhaps.  The wording - at least what I saw of the copy of the curse
before I put it aside to reinvent it - seemed to specifically point to the
vampire though.  Which isn't to say that we can rule out that the vampire
is being bound to the soul, just that depending upon how one translates it
it could simply be the vampire alone being bound.

> > Well - moreso than Angel does.  Which makes sense when you 
> > consider that Spike called himself William the Bloody, whereas 
> > Angel/Angelus was never Angel's mortal name and damned if any of us
> > know what it was.
> 
> Good point. Although maybe he just didn't like it. Maybe his real name
> is Eugene, and becoming a vampire just seemed like a convenient moment
> to fix that, and kill everyone who ever knew about it. 

Oh dear.  You know I shall have the hardest time keeping a serious 
expression the next time I see him now?  Although I think Cordy at 
least would argue that "Angel" isn't exactly trading up in the names
department.

> Actually, neither one of them was around. I said "if he's so important,
> why doesn't she just marry him?" to Xander, when I was whining about
> Buffy going out to hunt for Spike, who had escaped from Giles' place,
> instead of staying home to comfort me. 

Were those the exact words?  And which will be done spell was this?  

Forgive me - you don't have to say.  It's only that since you mentioned
your worry about affecting Spike's mind I'd be happy to take a look and at
least offer a second opinion for whatever it might be worth.  If it isn't
worth anything, then that's all right as well.

> > Angel would know. I'll ask him what he remembers.
> 
> Any luck?

Yes, he was able to point me in the right direction.

> > > What gets it then? Me?
> > 
> > Possibly. Or the Gods.  
> 
> Whoever they are.

In this case I suspect our real question is "whichever".

> > Were I Tara, it would mean the world for someone to say such a thing
> > to me.
> 
> I will. I did, just now. I think it helped, a little. It made her smile
> anyway, that slow special smile that makes me forget how to breathe...
> Anyway. Sorry its been more than five minutes. 

I'm glad it worked out well.

> And. Um. You're not Tara. But if it means anything to Wesley, someone
> just did.

Er... thank you.

> > Give her time - and patience.  With enough time to see that you
> > haven't gone anywhere - that she can wake up and you'll still be there
> > - her nerves may ease.
> 
> Here's hopin'. Have yours?

Regarding Angel's affections?  Yes.  Of course the nature of the 
relationship means that certain things will never be wholly at ease for
either of us, but I do believe I have at least gotten past the phase of
wondering when he'll "wake up".

> > > [giggle] yeah. Why, is it a malevolent turkey if you're orthodox?
> > 
> > Goat, actually.  
> 
> That makes sense. I think they'd seriously consider it, if I hadn't got
> their goat already.

Lucky for you that you plan ahead.

> Oh, well. I can't feel too guilty about it. They made their choices, now
> I make mine. Though I suppose Tara and I might have a baby someday,
> through the miracle of modern science. I can imagine her pregnant, all
> rounded and glowy. 

Er - not to sound strange but I think you'd make an excellent - would the
word be father?  in such a senario.  Which is to say that if Tara were to
take the traditional "mother" role of having the child I could easily see
you taking the traditional "father" role of ensuring that the child had a
safe and secure home to be raised in.

> > That's a good point.  Although I got this impression from her after
> > she found out about my relationship with Angel, which is why I tend to
> > point to that as the cause of it all.
> 
> Might be. But it also might be that that was just the one sudden
> change, that made her really realize all the gradual ones. 

It's a fair point. It did as much for me, why not her?

> I can imagine. *Are* you attracted to him? Not instead of Angel, I
> don't mean. Just in theory. 

If it were not for my affections for Angel I might have considered the
idea - did consider it, briefly, when I thought Angel might be gone from
my life forever.  But as a friend pointed out to me that was hardly fair
to the man in question.  Fortunately I never followed up on it. 

> > > Good. We gay bookworm curse researching types gotta stick together.
> > 
> > I - I agree.
> 
> Then that's settled.

We could start a club.

> > > How many of us could there be? 
> > 
> > Apparently the odds are getting better all the time.
> 
> True. But now I think we've hit a wall. We could get Tara or Angel in on
> the curse researchy part, but neither of them is much of a bookworm.

I was about to say how much it surprised me that your - er, which term do
you prefer, lover or girlfriend? - is not as passionate about books as you
are, but then I remembered the man that I am in love with and stopped
being surprised about it. 

> > He knew, I did not.  I - I actually thought at one point he was
> > teasing me.  According to Angel, though, he did attempt to see if I
> > had an interest at one time but, when I did not respond to the
> > overture, assumed I was not interested in him.  I, on the other hand,
> > had been completely oblivious.
> 
> I get that. You'd be amazed to hear how long it took for me to realize
> what Tara meant by "I like you" and why she kept blushing when she said
> it. 

Exactly. Except that Angel didn't blush.

> > I'm sure that's shocking to you, knowing me as you do.
> 
> [giggle] Never been so surprised in my life. What's next? Lights that go
> on when you flick a switch? 

I'm working on why it keeps getting bright every morning.

> As long as he knows that's what you're doing. Look, Wesley, I'm not
> gonna pretend that he or anybody here is exactly pining for your
> company, or panting for your good opinion either. But the way we
> remember you best was not exactly patient or humble. So I doubt it ever
> occurred to him that you'd be waiting and respecting his wishes. It sure
> as heck wouldn't have occurred to me. 

You make a good point.

> I'm glad you've never tried to spell it out, actually. Didn't need a
> dissertation. Just -- when we knew you, you were pretty incompetent,
> yeah. But that just made you funny. Xander's been that guy for years.
> And you always *wanted* to be fighting the good fight. Not like Faith, I
> mean. Thing is, you also put principles ahead of actual people, and
> insisted everyone else do the same. *That* made you dangerous. Not to
> mention a pain in the neck. I wanted to see if you've gotten over it
> yet, or just adopted a new set of rules to replace the Watcher ones.
> Seems like you might have. 

Gotten over it or replaced the rules?

I can at least offer my own feelings on the subject which is that I have
gotten over it.  I realized how blind the Council made itself to the
realities of the world in favor of its rules and regulations.  

> > Yes. Well.  What's the good fight without a little death and nerve
> > damage?
> 
> Dull, according to Spike. Personally, I could use a little dullness once
> in a while. At least long enough to pass a class or two. 

How is university going for you?

Wesley

***

To: stakebait@hotmail.com
From: wofthew@uc.sunnydale.edu

Spike -

Do you have any idea what the deal is with Wesley's family? I said
something cryptic about Tara and he got all, I don't know, serious and
vulnerable and stuff.

--Will

***

To: wofthew@uc.sunnydale.edu 
From: stakebait@hotmail.com

Red -

Wesley's family needs to die slowly and painfully. Be gentle with him, at
least on that topic, and I'll buy you a super deluxe broomstick later.

--Spike

***

To: stakebait@hotmail.com
From: wofthew@uc.sunnydale.edu 

Spike - 

Make it a banana split and you're on. I've given up riding a broomstick, I
was shedding straw everywhere. And why on earth do you care?

--Will

***

To: wofthew@uc.sunnydale.edu 
From: stakebait@hotmail.com

Red -

I need him in one piece to figure out the curse. Plus, I've been hanging
around you lot too much. Going soft. And I have to fantasize about killing
*somebody* slowly and painfully. Even Xander gets old after a while.
Banana split it is then. Pick you up at 8?

--Spike

***

To: stakebait@hotmail.com
From: wofthew@uc.sunnydale.edu

Spike -

Okay. But I warn you, I expect toppings.

--Will

***

To: Wesley
From: Willow

> An excellent idea.  I was thinking more along the lines of epic shared
> legends but you're right.  That would be a distinct possibility as well.
> We've excellent libraries nearby. I'll see what I can find.

Cool! I'll check in the campus library too, but the music section is
fairly lame. And I'll look online when I get a chance.

> > I get it. So blue would be my body, and purple would be my "yay,
> > Tara's here!" outfit. And the silver sparks could be earrings or
> > something. 
> 
> Exactly!  Blue meaning you are a stable, calm and balanced person 
> normally, purple being your quite literal passion for the woman you love
> and silver indicating the magic you are using.

Tara says it was the same colors when we did Spike's spell, except the
silver was long cords, sort of spirally.

> Cordelia's visions have not given her any other abilities to date.  And
> even in the visions they do tend to be less than abstract.  She sees
> events happening.  No real sense of the magic around it.

Just as well, really. She could barely manage to burn the herbs and wave
them around. Why make her multitask?

> Frankly I've a poor eye for it myself. I can cast minor spells and
> incantations but don't have much talent in the realm of magical senses.

No need for you to. That's why there's us witchy types. Oh, hey, that
reminds me. Do you know anything about witching levels? Or a Council of
witches and warlocks?

> Perhaps.  The wording - at least what I saw of the copy of the curse
> before I put it aside to reinvent it - seemed to specifically point to
> the vampire though.  Which isn't to say that we can rule out that the
> vampire is being bound to the soul, just that depending upon how one
> translates it it could simply be the vampire alone being bound.

Makes sense to me. Maybe we'll know more when you've finished reinventing
the wheel, and we can take it for a spin. Strictly theoretically, of
course.

> > Good point. Although maybe he just didn't like it. Maybe his real name
> > is Eugene, and becoming a vampire just seemed like a convenient moment
> > to fix that, and kill everyone who ever knew about it. 
> 
> Oh dear.  You know I shall have the hardest time keeping a serious
> expression the next time I see him now?  Although I think Cordy at least
> would argue that "Angel" isn't exactly trading up in the names
> department.

[giggle] Sorry. But not very. Next time he gets all broody and dramatic,
you can look at him and think, "Okay, Eugene. Whatever you say, Eugene."
And yeah, Angel does sound a bit like a precious 12 year old girl, a
pretentious goth, or a Latino guy in a Camero. But it would still be
better than Eugene. 

> > Actually, neither one of them was around. I said "if he's so
> > important, why doesn't she just marry him?" to Xander, when I was
> > whining about Buffy going out to hunt for Spike, who had escaped from
> > Giles' place, instead of staying home to comfort me. 
> 
> Were those the exact words?  And which will be done spell was this?  

The exact words were "Well, fine. Why doesn't she just go marry him?"

And the spell was: Harken all ye elements, I summon thee now. Control the
outside, control within. Land and sea, fire and wind. Out of my passions,
a web be spun. From this eve forth, my will be done. So mote it be.

> Forgive me - you don't have to say.  It's only that since you mentioned
> your worry about affecting Spike's mind I'd be happy to take a look and
> at least offer a second opinion for whatever it might be worth.  If it
> isn't worth anything, then that's all right as well.

It can't hurt. And, Wesley? You don't have to keep saying "forgive me" all
the time. In general, I'm working on it.  And in specific, if I don't
wanna, I'll say.

> > > Angel would know. I'll ask him what he remembers.
> > 
> > Any luck?
> 
> Yes, he was able to point me in the right direction.

Great.

> I'm glad it worked out well.

It really did. So... thanks.

> > And. Um. You're not Tara. But if it means anything to Wesley, someone
> > just did.
> 
> Er... thank you.

You're welcome.

> > Here's hopin'. Have yours?
> 
> Regarding Angel's affections?  Yes.  Of course the nature of the 
> relationship means that certain things will never be wholly at ease for
> either of us, but I do believe I have at least gotten past the phase of
> wondering when he'll "wake up".

Good. 'Cause speaking as the one in Angel's position, it can make you
nuts.

> > That makes sense. I think they'd seriously consider it, if I hadn't
> > got their goat already.
> 
> Lucky for you that you plan ahead.

Nah. Just a lucky coincidence.

> > Oh, well. I can't feel too guilty about it. They made their choices,
> > now I make mine. Though I suppose Tara and I might have a baby
> > someday, through the miracle of modern science. I can imagine her
> > pregnant, all rounded and glowy. 
> 
> Er - not to sound strange but I think you'd make an excellent - would
> the word be father?  in such a senario.  Which is to say that if Tara
> were to take the traditional "mother" role of having the child I could
> easily see you taking the traditional "father" role of ensuring that the
> child had a safe and secure home to be raised in.

Thanks. I don't know who would have the baby -- its not like we've talked
about it or anything. But I can see her pregnant. She'd be beautiful. I
can't see me. I'm Miss Moody already -- she's always been the calm and
centered one. And -- her mom died when she was in high school. I think
having the chance to be a mom herself might be important to her. I'm sure
we'd both be called mommy, but yeah, I could be the dad, come in the door
with a briefcase and bring her flowers.  I wonder if Giles would agree to
be the biological dad? With, um, doctor's help, of course. Or if he'd just
clean his glasses a lot if we asked him.

> > Might be. But it also might be that that was just the one sudden
> > change, that made her really realize all the gradual ones. 
> 
> It's a fair point. It did as much for me, why not her?

Exactly. 

> > I can imagine. *Are* you attracted to him? Not instead of Angel, I
> > don't mean. Just in theory. 
> 
> If it were not for my affections for Angel I might have considered the
> idea - did consider it, briefly, when I thought Angel might be gone from
> my life forever.  But as a friend pointed out to me that was hardly fair
> to the man in question.  Fortunately I never followed up on it. 

Then you probably were doing the flirting thing, at least on some level.
Is he into guys? 

And as for fair -- I don't know. I gotta believe in the power of rebound,
'cause that's how I met my sweetie. But I know it doesn't work for
everyone.

> > > > Good. We gay bookworm curse researching types gotta stick
> > > > together.
> > > 
> > > I - I agree.
> > 
> > Then that's settled.
> 
> We could start a club.

Hey, we could! I haven't been in a club since -- well, I went to the Wicca
club here once. That's where I met Tara, but I got laughed out of the room
for actually wanting to do spells. And before that it was the We Hate
Cordelia club that Xander and I started when we were little. Can't think
of a name, though. Gay Bookworm Curse Researching Types is a little long.

> > > > How many of us could there be? 
> > > 
> > > Apparently the odds are getting better all the time.
> > 
> > True. But now I think we've hit a wall. We could get Tara or Angel in
> > on the curse researchy part, but neither of them is much of a
> > bookworm.
> 
> I was about to say how much it surprised me that your - er, which term
> do you prefer, lover or girlfriend? - is not as passionate about books
> as you are, but then I remembered the man that I am in love with and
> stopped being surprised about it. 

Girlfriend is good. I like lover too, but it makes Tara blush and stammer.
Which I happen to think is the cutest thing since the invention of
kittens, but she hates doing it in front of people.

What about you? Boyfriend or lover, I mean?

And its not that she doesn't read, just that its more a means to an end
with her. She wants the info, I just want the book.

> > I get that. You'd be amazed to hear how long it took for me to realize
> > what Tara meant by "I like you" and why she kept blushing when she
> > said it. 
> 
> Exactly. Except that Angel didn't blush.

Somehow, that fails to surprise me. Dead pale guy that he is.

> I'm working on why it keeps getting bright every morning.

Magic?

> You make a good point.

Thanks. Not sayin' you need to contact him, if you don't feel like it.
Just sayin' people around here are gonna stay stuck thinking of you like
you used to be unless you show them something different. Like you have me.

> > I'm glad you've never tried to spell it out, actually. Didn't need a
> > dissertation. Just -- when we knew you, you were pretty incompetent,
> > yeah. But that just made you funny. Xander's been that guy for years.
> > And you always *wanted* to be fighting the good fight. Not like Faith,
> > I mean. Thing is, you also put principles ahead of actual people, and
> > insisted everyone else do the same. *That* made you dangerous. Not to
> > mention a pain in the neck. I wanted to see if you've gotten over it
> > yet, or just adopted a new set of rules to replace the Watcher ones.
> > Seems like you might have. 
> 
> Gotten over it or replaced the rules?

Gotten over it.

> I can at least offer my own feelings on the subject which is that I have
> gotten over it.  I realized how blind the Council made itself to the
> realities of the world in favor of its rules and regulations.  

Frankly, its enough that you'd *want* to have gotten over it. The old
Wesley would have said I should grow up and into it instead.

> > > Yes. Well.  What's the good fight without a little death and nerve
> > > damage?
> > 
> > Dull, according to Spike. Personally, I could use a little dullness
> > once in a while. At least long enough to pass a class or two. 
> 
> How is university going for you?

Not bad. I have to confess -- don't tell Buffy -- that there are moments I
wish I had gone to Harvard or Stamford, instead of staying here. UC
Sunnydale is not exactly the intellectual capital of the universe. But I
do get a lot of individual attention from my professors - the plus of
being a nerdy fish in a drunken partying pond, I guess. And since I've
gotten most of the requirements out of the way, I have a lot of freedom to
do electives and independent studies in whatever interests me. And of
course I would have missed Buffy and the gang. And I never would have met
Tara. So I'm glad I stayed.

--Willow

***

To: Willow
From: Wesley

> Cool! I'll check in the campus library too, but the music section is
> fairly lame. And I'll look online when I get a chance. 

Thank you. Please let me know how it goes.

> > Exactly!  Blue meaning you are a stable, calm and balanced person
> > normally, purple being your quite literal passion for the woman you
> > love and silver indicating the magic you are using.
> 
> Tara says it was the same colors when we did Spike's spell, except the
> silver was long cords, sort of spirally. 

Long, spirally cords. Fascinating.  That bears looking into.

> No need for you to. That's why there's us witchy types. Oh, hey, that
> reminds me. Do you know anything about witching levels? Or a Council of
> witches and warlocks? 

Er - a bit.  Again I'm somewhat limited in not being a witch or warlock
myself.  But the levels essentially refer to tests and trials that a witch
or warlock undergoes to prove that they have certain skills in the magical
realm. The skills relate to such things as what kind of spells can be
performed, what elements can be controlled, etc.  

The levels themselves are intended to be a mark - rather like one's ...
what is it in America?  SATs?  A way of quantifying what one can do, as
opposed to, say, what one is *allowed* to do.  

The tests, then, are designed in theory to show what the CWW has 
decided is a natural progression of magical talent.  In much the same way
that a baby will crawl before it can walk, a witch might, say, float a
pencil before she attempts - oh, just to grab at a random example - to
curse a vampire with a soul.

The CWW dates back for centuries.  It's not like the Watcher's Council in
the slightest, based on what I've been told.  The Watcher's Council exists
for the purpose of the Slayer and the goal, theoretically, of saving the
world.  The CWW, on the other hand, exists for the purpose of providing a
unified body to which all witches and warlocks might look to as a way of
understanding one another, attempting to agree on certain rules of proper
behavior, etc.  I suppose one could compare it to the U.N. in some
respects.

As with any organization is has the potential to get bogged down in its
own pretentiousness and red tape, but a solitary practitioner - by which I
mean one without a coven, other than Tara of course - such as yourself
might find them to be remarkably helpful and a useful resource.

I could try to look up more about it if you like?  

> [giggle] Sorry. But not very. Next time he gets all broody and
> dramatic, you can look at him and think, "Okay, Eugene. Whatever you
> say, Eugene."

That's bloody awful!  Oh now I shan't be able to keep a straight face
around him, truly.  Spike's been a bad influence upon you, I can tell.

> And yeah, Angel does sound a bit like a precious 12 year old girl, a
> pretentious goth, or a Latino guy in a Camero. But it would still be
> better than Eugene. 

True.  And Cordy's opinion was essentially "Guess what? Pretty much a
girly name."

> > Were those the exact words?  And which will be done spell was this?  
> 
> The exact words were "Well, fine. Why doesn't she just go marry him?"

Er - I see.

> And the spell was: Harken all ye elements, I summon thee now. Control
> the outside, control within. Land and sea, fire and wind. Out of my
> passions, a web be spun. From this eve forth, my will be done. So mote
> it be. 

All right, yes, that is a standard control spell.  Er - for what it's
worth one is essentially working with the four quarters - i.e. the four
elements of earth, air, fire and water - making sure that everything is
covered under the spell (outside/within) in order to avoid the monkey's
paw effect, again doing one's respect to the quarters, stating what you
want (given the inclusion of "passions" I'd say it's understandable that
D'Hoffryn took an interest), saying that your will be done, as you knew,
and closing the spell.

But - er... you see the phrasing of what happened to Spike and Buffy is -
 is tripping me up a bit here.  Particularly in regards to your earlier
question.  Because - well - you *didn't* tell them to get married.  You
really only asked why *couldn't* they?  Er - so the chance exists that -
that you really only removed obstacles from their path, not created
emotions that weren't there.

> It can't hurt. And, Wesley? You don't have to keep saying "forgive me"
> all the time. In general, I'm working on it.  And in specific, if I
> don't wanna, I'll say. 

Sorry - force of habit.

> > > That makes sense. I think they'd seriously consider it, if I hadn't
> > > got their goat already.
> > 
> > Lucky for you that you plan ahead.
> 
> Nah. Just a lucky coincidence.

So where do you keep the poor creature?

> Thanks. I don't know who would have the baby -- its not like we've
> talked about it or anything. But I can see her pregnant. She'd be
> beautiful. I can't see me. I'm Miss Moody already -- she's always been
> the calm and centered one. And -- her mom died when she was in high
> school. I think having the chance to be a mom herself might be important
> to her. I'm sure we'd both be called mommy, but yeah, I could be the
> dad, come in the door with a briefcase and bring her flowers.  I wonder
> if Giles would agree to be the biological dad? With, um, doctor's help,
> of course. Or if he'd just clean his glasses a lot if we asked him. 

I feel safe enough to bet the office deed on a great deal of glass 
cleaning.

> Then you probably were doing the flirting thing, at least on some
> level. Is he into guys? 

I honestly don't know.  

> And as for fair -- I don't know. I gotta believe in the power of
> rebound, 'cause that's how I met my sweetie. But I know it doesn't work
> for everyone. 

Such was the case with me - as my friend pointed out.  My affections were
with Angel, and until such time as I either acted upon them or moved to
get past them it would not have been fair to be with another.

> > We could start a club.
> 
> Hey, we could! I haven't been in a club since -- well, I went to the
> Wicca club here once. That's where I met Tara, but I got laughed out of
> the room for actually wanting to do spells.

Yes... Wiccans can be a mixed lot sometimes.  Which tradition were 
they, do you know?  Based only on what you said I would suspect 
Dianic or Gardnerian.

That, by the way, would be an example of another kind of level system. 
You, as a new member, would not have been "allowed" to do certain things
regardless of whether or not you *could*.

> Can't think of a name, though. Gay Bookworm Curse Researching Types is a
> little long. 

Yes... we'll have to ponder it.  Could we have a secret handshake? I
always liked secret handshakes.

> What about you? Boyfriend or lover, I mean?

It depends upon the situation.  I'm comfortable with either, but in casual
settings boyfriend seems a bit more appropriate.  Angel is comfortable
with either as well.

> And its not that she doesn't read, just that its more a means to an end
> with her. She wants the info, I just want the book. 

Yes. Angel's much the same. He has some things he doesn't mind 
reading but when I start talking about research and the joys therein his
eyes glaze over.

> > Exactly. Except that Angel didn't blush.
> 
> Somehow, that fails to surprise me. Dead pale guy that he is.

And more of a stammerer than a blusher to begin with.

> > I'm working on why it keeps getting bright every morning.
> 
> Magic?

My hypothesis is that it's a horse-drawn chariot.

> Frankly, its enough that you'd *want* to have gotten over it. The old
> Wesley would have said I should grow up and into it instead. 

The old Wesley thought that principles were everything and didn't even
question if the principles he was abiding by were even his own.

> Not bad. I have to confess -- don't tell Buffy -- 

Of course. Not that she and I converse to begin with.

> that there are moments I wish I had gone to Harvard or Stamford,
> instead of staying here. UC Sunnydale is not exactly the intellectual
> capital of the universe. But I do get a lot of individual attention from
> my professors - the plus of being a nerdy fish in a drunken partying
> pond, I guess. And since I've gotten most of the requirements out of the
> way, I have a lot of freedom to do electives and independent studies in
> whatever interests me. And of course I would have missed Buffy and the
> gang. And I never would have met Tara. So I'm glad I stayed. 

There is always a balance in such things.

Have you considered trying a semester at UCLA?  I don't know how the
system works here but if you are part of UCS would it be that difficult to
try?  UCLA is a bit higher on the academic scale and you'd only be two
hours away from Sunnydale if you were needed.  And on the off chance you
needed to fight evil on a nightly basis I can promise you we're not
lacking for it.  

Just - just a thought. I could look into it for you, if you were
interested.

Wesley

***

To: Wesley
From: Willow


> > Cool! I'll check in the campus library too, but the music section is
> > fairly lame. And I'll look online when I get a chance. 
> 
> Thank you. Please let me know how it goes.

So far, big fat zippo. But I'll keep looking.

> Long, spirally cords. Fascinating.  That bears looking into.

All you. I wouldn't begin to know where to look into it. I just make 'em.

> Er - a bit.  Again I'm somewhat limited in not being a witch or warlock
> myself.  But the levels essentially refer to tests and trials that a
> witch or warlock undergoes to prove that they have certain skills in the
> magical realm. The skills relate to such things as what kind of spells
> can be performed, what elements can be controlled, etc.  
> 
> The levels themselves are intended to be a mark - rather like one's ...
> what is it in America?  SATs?  A way of quantifying what one can do, as
> opposed to, say, what one is *allowed* to do.  

Good to know.

> The tests, then, are designed in theory to show what the CWW has 
> decided is a natural progression of magical talent.  In much the same
> way that a baby will crawl before it can walk, a witch might, say, float
> a pencil before she attempts - oh, just to grab at a random example - to
> curse a vampire with a soul.

Right. Makes sense. I heard about it from the Watchers in passing, but
trust them to make it sound more authoritarian than it is.

> The CWW dates back for centuries.  It's not like the Watcher's Council
> in the slightest, based on what I've been told.  The Watcher's Council
> exists for the purpose of the Slayer and the goal, theoretically, of
> saving the world.  The CWW, on the other hand, exists for the purpose of
> providing a unified body to which all witches and warlocks might look to
> as a way of understanding one another, attempting to agree on certain
> rules of proper behavior, etc.  I suppose one could compare it to the
> U.N. in some respects.

Cool. I'd love to meet other practicing witches.

> As with any organization is has the potential to get bogged down in its
> own pretentiousness and red tape, but a solitary practitioner - by which
> I mean one without a coven, other than Tara of course - such as yourself
> might find them to be remarkably helpful and a useful resource.
> 
> I could try to look up more about it if you like?  

If you know how I could get in touch with them other than through the
Watchers I'd appreciate it.

> > [giggle] Sorry. But not very. Next time he gets all broody and
> > dramatic, you can look at him and think, "Okay, Eugene. Whatever you
> > say, Eugene."
> 
> That's bloody awful!  Oh now I shan't be able to keep a straight face
> around him, truly.  Spike's been a bad influence upon you, I can tell.

Maybe just a little. He did take me out for ice cream last night. But I
promise the idea is all mine.

> But - er... you see the phrasing of what happened to Spike and Buffy is
> -
>  is tripping me up a bit here.  Particularly in regards to your earlier 
> question.  Because - well - you *didn't* tell them to get married.  You
> really only asked why *couldn't* they?  Er - so the chance exists that -
> that you really only removed obstacles from their path, not created
> emotions that weren't there.

You mean...? Last year? When he'd just barely arrived, and still wanted to
kill me, and her, and stuff? And Buffy had just met Riley? And... wow.

 'Cause, she, you know, loved him. Then. During the spell. She said. And
 the two of them couldn't keep their hands off each other. And... right
 after, she told me that she was now totally over the bad boy thing -- the
 idea that the pain and the fighting is where the passion comes from --
 and was ready to go out with nice normal Riley. 

Only -- when Riley left he said she never loved him. And I think he was
right. So maybe she just ... scared herself. With Spike. Oh. Wow. Gotta
tell Spike. No, wait, can't tell Spike. Gotta tell Buffy. No, wait. This
is beyond confusing.

> > It can't hurt. And, Wesley? You don't have to keep saying "forgive me"
> > all the time. In general, I'm working on it.  And in specific, if I
> > don't wanna, I'll say. 
> 
> Sorry - force of habit.

I can see that. Since you just did it again. Never mind then, do what
you're comfortable with.

> So where do you keep the poor creature?

Under the desk. I use her instead of a paper shredder. And Miss Kitty
Fantasticko likes to chase her tail.

> I feel safe enough to bet the office deed on a great deal of glass
> cleaning.

Oh, I'm sure. I just meant, glass cleaning and yes? Glass cleaning and no?
Glass cleaning and falling down in a dead faint?

> Such was the case with me - as my friend pointed out.  My affections
> were with Angel, and until such time as I either acted upon them or
> moved to get past them it would not have been fair to be with another.

Makes sense. Its true, I wasn't a hundred percent clear on how I felt
about Tara until Oz came back and cleared the air.

> > > We could start a club.
> > 
> > Hey, we could! I haven't been in a club since -- well, I went to the
> > Wicca club here once. That's where I met Tara, but I got laughed out
> > of the room for actually wanting to do spells.
> 
> Yes... Wiccans can be a mixed lot sometimes.  Which tradition were they,
> do you know?  Based only on what you said I would suspect Dianic or
> Gardnerian.

No idea. Babbling pretentious fake goddess worshipping? Is that a
tradition?

> That, by the way, would be an example of another kind of level system. 
> You, as a new member, would not have been "allowed" to do certain things
> regardless of whether or not you *could*.

Worse than that. *None* of them did. They seemed to think that for witches
to actually *do* magic was somehow in bad taste.

> > Can't think of a name, though. Gay Bookworm Curse Researching Types is
> > a little long. 
> 
> Yes... we'll have to ponder it.  Could we have a secret handshake? I
> always liked secret handshakes.

Absolutely.

> > What about you? Boyfriend or lover, I mean?
> 
> It depends upon the situation.  I'm comfortable with either, but in
> casual settings boyfriend seems a bit more appropriate.  Angel is
> comfortable with either as well.

Cool. Boyfriend it is, then.

> > And its not that she doesn't read, just that its more a means to an
> > end with her. She wants the info, I just want the book. 
> 
> Yes. Angel's much the same. He has some things he doesn't mind 
> reading but when I start talking about research and the joys therein his
> eyes glaze over.

Tara just tries to distract me. She thinks I'm cute when I get
incomprehensible. Which is much fun. But not necessarily the most
productive.

> My hypothesis is that it's a horse-drawn chariot.

You could make some wax wings and go have a look.

> The old Wesley thought that principles were everything and didn't even
> question if the principles he was abiding by were even his own.

Yeah, that would be it.

> Have you considered trying a semester at UCLA?  I don't know how the
> system works here but if you are part of UCS would it be that difficult
> to try?  UCLA is a bit higher on the academic scale and you'd only be
> two hours away from Sunnydale if you were needed.  And on the off chance
> you needed to fight evil on a nightly basis I can promise you we're not
> lacking for it.  
> 
> Just - just a thought. I could look into it for you, if you were
> interested.

I don't think I can right now. Strange things are afoot at the circle K --
stranger than usual. I can't talk about that part. And Tara had a big
shakeout with her family, not that long ago. I don't think she's ready for
a new home base yet, or for me to leave her alone here -- and I'd miss her
like crazy. But -- thanks. Maybe someday.

--Willow

***

To: Willow
From: Wesley

> > Long, spirally cords. Fascinating.  That bears looking into.
> 
> All you. I wouldn't begin to know where to look into it. I just make
> 'em.

It evens out then - I've no idea how to make them, I only know how to look
into it.

> > The tests, then, are designed in theory to show what the CWW has
> > decided is a natural progression of magical talent.  In much the same
> > way that a baby will crawl before it can walk, a witch might, say,
> > float a pencil before she attempts - oh, just to grab at a random
> > example - to curse a vampire with a soul.
> 
> Right. Makes sense. I heard about it from the Watchers in passing, but
> trust them to make it sound more authoritarian than it is. 

The Watchers would make cleaning a window sound more authoritarian than it
is. You should see three of them attempt to get together and decide on
take away.

> Cool. I'd love to meet other practicing witches.

To all reports the CWW would be ideal for such a thing.  I'm told
networking is one of their goals.

> If you know how I could get in touch with them other than through the
> Watchers I'd appreciate it. 

Of course. I'm sure there's a chapter somewhere in California - might even
be in Los Angeles for all I'm aware. I'll track it down and send that to
you.

> > That's bloody awful!  Oh now I shan't be able to keep a straight face
> > around him, truly.  Spike's been a bad influence upon you, I can tell.
> 
> Maybe just a little. He did take me out for ice cream last night. 

Spike eating ice cream.  A strange mental image to be sure.

> But I promise the idea is all mine. 

Then the blame is entirely yours as well. Angel had no idea why I couldn't
stop sniggering this afternoon.

> > But - er... you see the phrasing of what happened to Spike and Buffy
> > is -
> >  is tripping me up a bit here.  Particularly in regards to your
> >  earlier 
> > question.  Because - well - you *didn't* tell them to get married. 
> > You really only asked why *couldn't* they?  Er - so the chance exists
> > that - that you really only removed obstacles from their path, not
> > created emotions that weren't there.
> 
> You mean...? Last year? When he'd just barely arrived, and still wanted
> to kill me, and her, and stuff? And Buffy had just met Riley? And...
> wow. 

Yes.  Wow.  You could see why I was a bit flustered.

> Only -- when Riley left he said she never loved him. And I think he was
> right. So maybe she just ... scared herself. With Spike. Oh. Wow. Gotta
> tell Spike. No, wait, can't tell Spike. Gotta tell Buffy. No, wait. This
> is beyond confusing. 

For what it's worth, Willow, I'm right there with you.  Er - if it's any
help I could be wrong?  

> > So where do you keep the poor creature?
> 
> Under the desk. I use her instead of a paper shredder. And Miss Kitty
> Fantasticko likes to chase her tail. 

A cat attached to the tail of a small goat.  That's a good omen for the
lemon crops, isn't it?

> > I feel safe enough to bet the office deed on a great deal of glass
> > cleaning.
> 
> Oh, I'm sure. I just meant, glass cleaning and yes? Glass cleaning and
> no? Glass cleaning and falling down in a dead faint? 

Oh dear.  Well... not being as close to Mr. Giles as you of course are...
I can only guess dead faint due to the fact that such a conversation would
require not only acknowledging that you have a sex life but that in a
manner of speaking he does as well.

I mean - for what it's worth it's a very flattering offer.  I can't
imagine anyone who *wouldn't* feel honored to be asked such a thing. 
Perhaps you could keep smelling salts on hand with which to revive him and
then find out if he says yes or no?

> > Such was the case with me - as my friend pointed out.  My affections
> > were with Angel, and until such time as I either acted upon them or
> > moved to get past them it would not have been fair to be with another.
> 
> Makes sense. Its true, I wasn't a hundred percent clear on how I felt
> about Tara until Oz came back and cleared the air. 

As it was explained to me, it wasn't fair to pick one simply because I
couldn't have the other or thought I wasn't meant to.  I had to ask myself
which of the two I truly loved and then act accordingly to try to be with
him or accept that I couldn't.

> > Yes... Wiccans can be a mixed lot sometimes.  Which tradition were
> > they, do you know?  Based only on what you said I would suspect Dianic
> > or Gardnerian.
> 
> No idea. Babbling pretentious fake goddess worshipping? Is that a
> tradition?

I know of a few who would call that Dianic but that's a bit of politicing
I'm not really a part of, not being a practitioner.

> > That, by the way, would be an example of another kind of level system.
> >  You, as a new member, would not have been "allowed" to do certain
> > things regardless of whether or not you *could*.
> 
> Worse than that. *None* of them did. They seemed to think that for
> witches to actually *do* magic was somehow in bad taste. 

Oh dear.  Nothing like taking the Rede and using it to strangle oneself. 
Are you sure this wasn't some hidden branch of the Watcher's Council? 
That sort of self- created impotence sounds just their thing.

> > > Can't think of a name, though. Gay Bookworm Curse Researching Types
> > > is a little long. 

As a thought there is always acronyms - GBCRT.  Except I'm not sure how I
feel about calling myself a "gibcert".

> > Yes... we'll have to ponder it.  Could we have a secret handshake? I
> > always liked secret handshakes.
> 
> Absolutely.

Excellent!  It's one of the few things I miss about working for the
Council. 

> > Yes. Angel's much the same. He has some things he doesn't mind 
> > reading but when I start talking about research and the joys therein
> > his eyes glaze over.
> 
> Tara just tries to distract me. She thinks I'm cute when I get
> incomprehensible. Which is much fun. But not necessarily the most
> productive. 

Don't suppose she could teach Angel that trick? Can't say I'd mind.

> > My hypothesis is that it's a horse-drawn chariot.
> 
> You could make some wax wings and go have a look.

Why, Daedalus? Here I thought we were just learning how to share this
bloody island.

> > Just - just a thought. I could look into it for you, if you were
> > interested.
> 
> I don't think I can right now. Strange things are afoot at the circle K
> -- stranger than usual. I can't talk about that part. And Tara had a big
> shakeout with her family, not that long ago. I don't think she's ready
> for a new home base yet, or for me to leave her alone here -- and I'd
> miss her like crazy. But -- thanks. Maybe someday. 

I can understand that.  I wouldn't leave Los Angeles or Angel's side for a
twenty minute commute, let alone two hours.  Still, if you can think of
any help I might offer in your academic studies, by all means ask.  I
wouldn't mind stopping by UCLA on your behalf, or putting you in touch
with some of my old Oxford professors.

Wesley