Home / Fan Fiction / Angel / Epiphany / The Past
Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit, amateur effort not intended to infringe of the rights of Joss Whedon, the WB, Mutant Enemy or any other copyright holders of Angel.
The Past
by The Brat Queen
Spoilers: Up to Epiphany, after which Joss and I go separate ways.
Rated: PG
Summary: Wes reveals a few things about himself to Angel. (Part of the Epiphany series, takes place after "On Their Own")
Wesley was crying.
Angel knew this even before he woke up fully. He shoved sleep aside, reaching out and taking his lover into his arms and holding him tight, drawing him close so that Wes's back rested against his bare chest.
He wanted to go into game face and growl, give the universal don't piss me off sign to whatever it was that was bothering Wesley. In the back of his mind he drew the picture - Wes the gentle lamb, being watched over by the deadly lion. But Wes was shaking, which meant scared, and Angel didn't want to make it worse.
"Didn't mean to wake you," Wes said, so soft Angel needed vamp hearing to pick it up - but then again maybe Wes did that on purpose. Wes seemed to get the vamp thing more than most.
Angel bent down to kiss his shoulder. "Yeah, well, I mean to be woken. Waken. Whatever. What's wrong?"
Wes shook his head in response and burrowed closer into Angel's embrace.
Angel thought about lecturing Wes on how the joys of living together meant you were supposed to wake your lover up when there was a problem, but he figured now wasn't the time. Instead he tried to figure it out on his own. There was a laundry list of things that could be bugging Wes, and he couldn't put his finger on which one would have done it now.
Although considering the bruises that were still fresh on Wes's back, Angel felt pretty certain he could make a guess.
"Am I obvious?" Wes asked.
Angel blinked. Wes had been quiet for so long he'd started to drift back into sleep. "What?"
"Am I obvious?" Wes repeated. "When you look at me - when you met me - did you think...."
Angel tried hard to fill in the last sentence. That I was in love with you? That I wanted to work with you? That I wasn't big on the Watcher gig?
That I was a fag?
"I didn't think much, Wes," Angel said, deciding honesty was the best way to go. "Back in Sunnydale you were pretty much asshole Watcher guy. Kinda had my own issues."
Wes nodded, accepting that. "But later? When I arrived here? Did you - what did you think of me?"
Angel sat up a little, casting his memory back. "Confused. Outta his element. Guy who doesn't even know his own skin."
"True enough, I suppose," Wesley said. He turned onto his back, looking up at Angel. "But you knew. You - suspected."
Angel wished he was smarter so Wes wouldn't have to say the words. "Suspected?"
"That I cared for men."
"Yeah," Angel said. "I did. Knew you didn't have any boyfriends but - thought you were flirting with me sometimes. Thought maybe you were into it. Sorta."
"I had no idea," Wesley said. This wasn't news to Angel, but he listened anyway. "Honestly. I - my powers of denial must be quite staggering."
Angel gave a shrug. "Not everybody knows themselves."
"I must be quite blind to be unable to see something so readily apparent," Wes said.
"It's not," Angel said. He propped his head up on his hand. "Plenty of girls hit on you, Wes. Hell - maybe you're bi and you don't know that either."
"Perhaps," Wes said, but he didn't sound like he meant it. "I've never - you are my first, you know. In all things. I never - I never even entertained the thought before you."
Angel felt a warm glow of pride, but he frowned curiously. "Really? Not even back at school? You went to an all boys school, right?"
"For a few years," Wes confirmed. "But - I buried myself in books, research, classwork, preparation - "
"Preparation?"
"To be a Watcher," Wes said. "I was told it was my destiny right from the start. Everything I did, I did towards that goal."
Angel thought it was contradictory to have to work for a destiny, but he didn't say so. "Didn't date?"
"Oh yes," Wesley said. "I dated suitable young women and, when I was old enough, I slept with them. I was even engaged."
"Okay, so - " Angel stopped, his mouth hanging open. He shut it and frowned. "You were what?"
"Engaged."
"Engaged," Angel repeated. "Engaged. Engaged? Like - "
"Engaged, yes," Wesley said. A bemused smile played upon his lips.
Angel looked down at Wesley's left hand as though he could see a ring there. Except guys didn't wear engagement rings, did they? Angel couldn't remember. "Like, to be married? To another person?"
"That would be the usual manner," Wesley said. "Yes."
Angel sat up. He tried to picture it. "Who proposed?"
"I did," Wesley said. "While we were on holiday in Rome."
Angel thought about it. Wes - a few years younger - with some girl. Wearing his old power suits. Doing a proper British holiday while the girl - his fiancée - held his hand, and laughed at his jokes and -
Fuck, he was jealous.
"Who was she?" he asked.
"Sarah Davis," Wes replied. "You've never heard of her. She works for the Council. Her entire family does."
"What's she look like?"
Wesley indicated a height at about the level of his nose. "Bit shorter than I am. Dark hair, brown eyes. Hails from Yorkshire."
Angel moved his hand down to rest on Wesley's shoulder, touching the fabric of his T-shirt and thinking to himself Mine. Not hers, mine. "So what happened?"
"I got sacked."
Angel looked away, swearing at himself. Now he really wished that he was smarter, because he was pretty sure somebody with Wes's brain would've figured it out. The guilty starts Wes had made back in Sunnydale whenever anyone had seen him lust after Cordy, the way Wes always changed the subject whenever anybody asked him what went down after he got fired, the way it was pretty clear Wes had lost everything when he'd lost that job.
Wes was sitting up now too. "I was to be a Watcher. And I was to get married, and have children, and - and not embarrass myself."
"Did you love her?" a part of Angel felt like the answer was none of his business, but he had to know.
"I cared for her," Wesley said. "As much as I've ever cared for anyone."
"Like Virgina?"
Wesley nodded. "Yes, precisely. Sarah was - a good friend."
Good friend. Cared. Not loved.
Angel found himself probing his mind, trying to see if this Sarah fit into the same wound that Riley did - someone he could hate, at the same time he had to admit did the job better than he could. Mortal. Shared interests. Not harboring a not-so-hidden psychopath.
He supposed she could.
"I could have married Virginia as well, had it come to it," Wesley said. He flashed a grin in Angel's direction. "If you hadn't been such a prat."
"One of my best skills," Angel said.
Wes chuckled, and moved closer. Angel put his arm around him, breathing in his scent. "I wonder, sometimes, how things would be if - if I hadn't been assigned to Sunnydale. If I'd stayed home, gotten married, had children, that sort of thing."
"I get that," Angel said. Sometimes he wondered what would have happened if he'd never met Darla. "You know you - you could do that. Still."
Wes looked up at him. "What?"
"Get married, have children," Angel said. "That sort of thing."
Wesley gave him a hard shove in the chest. "No, I couldn't. Angel, I realize it's late - or rather, early in the morning but surely even you are not so tired as to have forgotten that I'm in love with you?"
"I just - I'm just saying," Angel mumbled.
"And I'm just saying that you're a fool," Wesley replied. He kissed Angel's jaw. "I've made my choice. My place is with you."
Angel instinctively drew Wes closer. "I like that choice."
"So do I," Wes agreed. He snuggled against Angel's chest. "I love you, Angel. I don't regret my decision. To be frank, it's not much of a decision. I'm utterly miserable without you."
"'But'," Angel prompted, knowing it was coming.
"But," Wesley sighed, "it's not an easy decision. It isn't easy, accepting what I am."
"I get that," Angel said at once, trying to show Wes how much he did understand.
Wes gave him a reassuring smile. "I know you do."
"So what made you cry?" Angel asked.
"A nightmare," Wesley admitted. "And - a phone conversation."
"Your cousin," Angel guessed.
Wes nodded. "Sarah's getting married. I know the chap - lovely fellow. They should be happy together."
"You wish it was you?" Angel asked.
"No," Wes admitted, sounding surprised. "Or, not exactly. You needn't fear, Angel, she wasn't the love of my life. That role is held by and for one single individual, and you happen to be it. I'm not jealous of her happiness - in point of fact I'm rather relieved. It's just..."
Angel looked down at him. "What?"
"Sometimes I wish I could be that man," Wesley said. "Or - " Wes sat up, rubbing his face in frustration. "No, that's not right. I want to be with you. I'm happy when I am with you. But being with you means - it means admitting I shall never be that man. I will never get married. I will never have children. I will never - "
"Make your dad proud," Angel finished.
Wes was quiet for a moment, then he nodded.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Shouldn't I be apologizing to you?" Wesley asked. "For the sentiment?"
"'cause it's news to me that vampires don't make good lovers?" Angel asked. "Or at least ones you take home to mom?"
Wes gave a ghost of a smile. "That's a better qualifier, because I can assure you I've no complaints on the first idea."
Angel had to think a minute to translate that, but then he grinned. "Thanks."
"You're welcome," Wesley said. He sighed, then grew quiet again.
"What?" Angel asked.
"I'm - I am this thing," Wesley said. "I love you. You are a man, and you are a vampire. I still love you. I - I don't know what the word for the latter would be, but the former means that I'm - "
"Homosexual."
"Queer," Wesley said. Angel wondered if it was the first time Wes had ever said it. "I... am queer."
Angel reached out and caressed Wesley's back, moving his hand up and down slowly. "You're a lot of other things too."
"I'm starting to wonder if it matters," Wesley said.
Angel gave a shrug. "It does to me."
From the look on Wes's face, that was the right thing to say.
"This must seem foolish to you," Wesley said. "All of this fussing over - over words."
Angel gave him a small smile. "I like how you fuss over words. Comprenez?"
"Oui," Wes replied. He moved back to lie down again. "Even if I don't understand it myself."
"Give it time," Angel said. He shifted onto his side and wrapped his arm around Wes's waist. "Not like I'm going anywhere."
"Good," Wes said. He pulled Angel's other arm over and used it like a pillow. "Neither am I."
"Does it bother you?" Angel asked. "That - I mean, I get you're upset and all but, seriously, does it bother you that we're not gonna have kids? I mean you know we can't."
"Yes, Angel," Wes said, "I am aware that it's not possible for you to get me pregnant, but thank you for the confirmation."
Angel gave him a look. "You know what I mean. This is serious, Wes. 'cause I don't want you giving up something - "
Wes turned around and kissed him. "I am. You know that I am. I won't lie to you and say this relationship isn't one of sacrifice. But you're worth it. You've given me things that no one else can. Please try to remember that."
"I will," Angel said, holding him close again and getting ready to go back to sleep.
Deep down he felt remembering that wasn't going to be the problem.
Fin.
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