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DISCLAIMER: The following stories are all non-profit, amateur efforts not intended to infringe on the rights of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, David Geffen, Warner Brothers, Geffen Pictures, Knopf, Randomhouse, the city of New Orleans, the U.S. Consititution, any copyright holders that I might not have thought of or even a certain author who shall remain nameless but who has a set of initials which are, coincidentally enough, just one letter off from spelling "B.S."

Bloody Talk
by: The Brat Queen

[Some side notes: There's a small contest here for all of you to figure out what inspired me to do this piece (hint: *not* the Saturday Night Live skit). Those of you who figure it out can also help me to decide if this should get posted on a.b.a-r

Also, those of you who have seen me try to spell English know what a bad idea it would be for me to try Yiddish which is why I avoided that here. But, for truth's sake, "a little choked up" is an acceptable substitute for Mike Meyer's more well-known phrase. Just look at the "Coffee Talk" which had Mike, Madonna, Roseanne and Barbara.

And I have to confess that my parody might be somewhat more influenced by my Italian relatives in Queens than by Mike Meyer's performance.]

BLOODY TALK
Starring Paul de Pointe du Lac

LOUIS: Hello and welcome to Bloody Talk. I'm your host, Louis de Pointe du Lac, filling in for my brother Paul who took a nasty tumble down the stairs. P.S., long story short, he's recovering nicely down in Miami now, thank you very much.

LESTAT: [clears his throat]

LOUIS: Yes, with me today is a good friend of mine, Lestat.

LESTAT: "Friend?" So I'm a friend to you now? Here I was thinking that I give you a good 200 years of my life, maybe save you from dying, maybe stop seeing other people because of you but if I'm just a friend I'm a friend. Who am I to complain?

LOUIS: Sh, not now!

LESTAT: Of course. Why should I talk? I who am only a friend to you, not that I ever called you my "friend" when I introduce you to the people *I* know. But here, I'm talking and if you don't want your "friend" Lestat to talk, I won't talk.

LOUIS: We'll talk about it later.

LESTAT: Ah, later is when I can talk. You I don't understand. First it's no to the talking, now it's later to the talking. I give up.

LOUIS: ANYWAY, as I said, welcome to Bloody Talk. The number is 555-4444. Give us a call, we'll talk. You know, no big whoop.

LESTAT: Sure, *them* you talk to...

LOUIS: Hush! Hello, you're on the air.

CALLER #1: Hello, Louis? I just wanted to say that I love your show.

LOUIS: Ah, thank you. Don't going changing trying to please me. I'll tumble for you.

CALLER #1: And I was wondering if you saw the Vanity Fair with Brad Pitt on the cover.

LOUIS: *Saw* it? I loved every page! That man's hair is like plasma! Like *plasma* that hair! Even better than it was in A River Runs Through It. Oh it was beautiful! Thank you for calling. Hello and welcome to Bloody Talk.

CALLER #2: Hi Louis. I'm sorry to hear about Paul. Such a shame.

LOUIS: Yes. And what a beautiful person you are for saying so. Go on.

CALLER #2: I was just wondering if you saw the new Madonna video.

LOUIS: I saw it, but between you and me, that girl, she's not so nice, you know?

CALLER #2: She's a tramp. And this new video, with the black, it's not as pretty as the last one.

LOUIS: Exactly!

LESTAT: You know, I was at the premiere party she had for her last video.

CALLER #2: You're kidding! You were at the Webster Hall party?

LESTAT: I do not lie. And I'll tell you, I saw everything, not the cut-up version that they put on MTV may they rot in Hell. I saw things that you would not believe!

CALLER #2: What happened?

LESTAT: Well Madonna, beautiful woman, beautiful body, gets up on stage to read a story. And, I swear to you, by the time that story was over, the lights on the stage had melted her face away!

LOUIS: What? How is that possible?

LESTAT: Ah, they're all plastic. Them with the big show biz careers and the surgery. But you turn on a little heat and boom! She looks like a chicken. Michael Jackson's next. I read it in the Enquirer.

LOUIS: You and your magazines! Hello and welcome to Bloody Talk.

CALLER #3: Hello, Louis? I was wondering if you and Lestat had seen the new Keanu Reeves film?

LOUIS: Eck! I spit on that film! I would not wish that film on my worst enemy!

CALLER #3: What about Henry Rollins? Didn't Lestat like him? What about the tattoos?

LESTAT: Let me tell you a story about tattoos. A year ago I go to see my mother's cousin's best friend in order to get a tattoo. Lovely woman. She's married and her husband works but that's fine! I go to her house, I know she doesn't have a proper studio but I figure she's family, it's ok. I get there, I'm under the gun, she gets a laughing fit! P.S., long story short, I'm in the hospital getting $1000 worth of laser surgery to get this huge line off of my arm when all I wanted was to get the name of the one to whom it would seem *I* am just a friend.

LOUIS: You were going to get my name tattooed on your arm?

LESTAT: I was.

LOUIS: That's--that's so... I'm sorry, but I'm a little choked up... Talk amoungst yourselves. I'll give you a topic: a hypothesis is neither a hypo nor a thesis. Discuss!..... Ok, ok, I'm better now. Lestat that is so beautiful! I love you!

LESTAT: Now *I'm* choked up! Do the next caller!

LOUIS: Hello and welcome to Bloody Talk.

CALLER #4: Hi, Louis. I'm a regular watcher of the show--

LOUIS: Thank you.

CALLER #4: And last week you said that you and Lestat were going to some sort of exclusive movie engagement. What was it like?

LESTAT: Do not *ask* me about this movie!

LOUIS: Oh it was awful! The screen was so small, the characters weren't even an inch high. I don't know about the young people, but it gives me eye strain.

CALLER #4: What about the movie?

LOUIS: It was called "Repo Man" and beyond that, I could not tell you.

LESTAT: I think it was about this accountant that goes around slashing things out of files, but why? He says it's political, that it's art. But tell me, is that art?

LOUIS: Who was Repo Man?

LESTAT: I don't know. Supposedly he's acted somewhere else but I've never seen him before. And I heard that there's an American version of this movie starring Pauly Shore.

LOUIS: Eh! Don't talk to me of Pauly! Hello and Welcome to Bloody Talk.

CALLER #5: Yeah, um, if the name of the show is Bloody Talk, why don't you talk about blood?

LOUIS: Well, you know, no big whoop. You want to talk about blood, we'll talk about blood. What do you want to talk about?

CALLER #5: [long pause, then hangs up]

LOUIS: [looks at Lestat, shrugs and goes for the phone again] Hello and welcome to Bloody Talk.

CALLER #6: Didn't this show used to be different?

LOUIS: My brother Paul is recovering from a fall down the stairs.

CALLER #6: No, I mean *really* different.

LOUIS: [frowns, listening] Aren't you the same person who just called about the blood?

CALLER #6: Ummmm....

LESTAT: Wait a--I know that voice! Armand, is that you?

CALLER #6/ARMAND: Yes, yes it is me! And you are making a mockery of my show!

LOUIS: What show? This was never your show!

ARMAND: *I* am the director! *I* run the theatre!

LESTAT: Armand, it was 100 years ago that you ran that theatre! Since it burned you haven't even run a stocking!

ARMAND: Still, I know more than you! People don't get blood from shows like this, they get it from shows like mine!

LOUIS: Armand, if people want theatre, they'll to the theatre. If they want talk, they come here.

ARMAND: No! Listen to me!

LESTAT:

LOUIS: *Thank* you. That's all the time we have. Thanks for watching Bloody Talk!