† The Brat Queen †

DISCLAIMER: The following stories are all non-profit, amateur efforts not intended to infringe on the rights of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, David Geffen, Warner Brothers, Geffen Pictures, Knopf, Randomhouse, the city of New Orleans, the U.S. Consititution, any copyright holders that I might not have thought of or even a certain author who shall remain nameless but who has a set of initials which are, coincidentally enough, just one letter off from spelling "B.S."

Lestat Beyond
by: The Brat Queen

Disclaimer: The following events, characters, storylines, concepts, letters, punctuation marks, spaces between the words, silent "e"s, pronounced "e"s, "e"s not even appearing in this spec, are not mine, never were, never will be. All rights return back to their original copyright holders (Warner Bros. DC, Bob Kane, Kid's WB, Knopf, Random House, Anne Rice, etc.) even though some of them are dead and others of them probably should be. This is a non-profit, amateur effort not intended to infringe on any of those said rights and could not possibly even try to infringe on those rights in this universe or any other. Sticks and stones can break your bones but names will never harm you and, as always, remember to let go and detach with love.

Summary: Another entry in the silly spec Batman series.

Parody: N. 1. A humorous or satirical imitation of a serious piece of literature, musical composition, person, event, etc. 2. The genre of literary composition represented by such imitations. VT. 1. To imitate (a composition, author, etc.) for purposes of ridicule or satire.

From The Random House College Dictionary

Batman, the Caped Crusader, the Dark Knight, the protector of Gotham -

"The pompous git ."

Lestat looked over his shoulder from his place at the window of his study. He had been standing there dramatically for the past two hours as he was often apt to do when there was nothing better for him to amuse himself with. Plus he knew that moonlight complimented his cheekbones. "Armand," he sighed, "I thought you weren't going to do anymore of these."

Armand drew himself up from his position on Lestat's couch and looked at Lestat sternly. "I decided to stay to preserve the artistic integrity of these stories."

"Marvel wasn't hiring, were they?"

"Shut up."

"Uh-huh. And what about your plans of taking over the Joker's job?"

"Have you seen Daniel in a Harley Quinn costume?"

Lestat shuddered. "Point taken."

"Thank you," Armand said. He propped his feet up on the table in front of him and continued his game of Pokemon. He was five entries shy of completing his Pokedex and didn't see why the life of a crime fighter should get in the way of this goal. "So now what, fearless leader? Please don't tell me we're going to spend another night parked in the living room watching Sentinel on Scifi. I'm not sure if I can stand listening to you sniffle about Jim and Blair's long lost relationship again."

"You're remarkably snotty for a Boy Wonder, do you know that?"

"I told you never to call me that!" Armand's eyes blazed for a moment before he had a chance to compose himself. "Anyway, I'm not Robin anymore. I've moved on now. Call me Nightwing."

"Do I have to?"

"Only if you want to make sure Louis never finds out about your Viagra prescription."

" You are a nasty little person. Whatever happened to sidekick loyalty?"

Armand shrugged. "Out with the last century. It's a new millenium - "

"Not yet it isn't."

Armand rolled his eyes. "Get over it. Anyway, new year, new concepts. Happy and loyal is out, dark and brooding is in." Armand gave Lestat a happy smile. "Being overall nasty is just a side benefit."

"Oh joy ," Lestat said. He turned back to the window again. "Anyway, I'm not sure what we're doing tonight. But something's going to happen, though. I can sense it. Something large and terrifying and -"

"Hiya Mistah A!"

"For God's sake, Daniel, cut that out!"

Daniel looked affronted at Armand's outburst. He stood in the doorway awkwardly, not sure if he should enter. This was actually a fairly normal instinct since the contents of Lestat's study were mysterious and often sticky - the latter more or less being the cause of the former. But this time Daniel's uncertainty had more to do with Armand's reaction than Lestat's terrifying supplies of both free time and cocktail sauce. "What?"

Armand flipped his game off in disgust and gestured at Daniel wildly. "All of it. The costume, the makeup, the fake moll accent."

"I thought I was doing pretty well at that, actually."

"You went to prep school , Daniel. It is impossible for you to even try to talk like a lower class woman from the Bronx."

"Speak of which, Daniel," Lestat said, looking at him appraisingly, "What's with the fake boobs?"

"Like 'em?" Daniel asked. He turned around so they could see his profile. "I think they fill out the costume nicely. Plus the store added them at no extra cost."

"Aren't they supposed to go on your chest, though?"

Daniel rolled his eyes. "Yeah, if you're a girl , Lestat. Otherwise. well I don't know about you but I think they make great shoulderpads."

"You see what I have to work with?" Armand asked, looking to Lestat for help.

Daniel pouted. "Oh c'mon!" He tried to affect a saucy grin. "Don't you wanna rev up your Harley?"

"What have I said about speaking that phrase in my hearing?"

"But puddin'!"

"And don't call me puddin'!"

"Am I the only one getting a headache?" Lestat asked of no one in particular.

"I could always fix that for you," a voice purred from the doorway as Daniel stepped aside to try to appeal his case to Armand. Louis de Pointe du Lac, a man who was not so much a caped crusader as he was a man with a bank account big enough to support a leather fetish, a cat costume, a fridge full of milk and a closet full of whips, entered the room.

"Honey," Lestat said, opening his arms wide to snuggle his lover close, "you always make me feel better. What's up?"

"I was going to ask you," Louis said. He nuzzled Lestat's cheek then looked around curiously. "It's so quiet tonight. I hardly know what to do with myself. I've spent the past three hours down in the French Quarter with nothing to show for it except a few business cards and a priest's outfit. What on earth is going on with this town? You'd think we weren't in New Orleans anymore."

Armand shrugged nonchalantly. "It's after Mardi Gras, things calm down."

"No, it's more than that," Lestat said. He put a foot forward and attempted a dramatic pose. Using a remote hidden in his boots he changed the angle of the lights above him to make sure they hit him in the right way and turned his CD player on to the soundtrack of Glory. "It's something important. Something major. Something that will shake us to our very core. Something -"

"Didn't you make a speech just like this not five minutes ago?" Armand asked.

Lestat glared in Armand's direction. "That's not the point."

"I think you did."

Lestat let Louis go so that he could attempt making dramatic motions with his hands. "Look, the point is that this isn't just a dull spot brought on by the fact that five million drunken tourists have just left town. It's something big and mysterious and we need to track the cause down."

"I believe I have the answer to that," Commissioner Marius said as he strode into the room.

"Are there no locks in this house whatsoever?" Lestat asked, throwing his hands up into the air in disgust. "I mean why don't we just abandon all pretense of this home being a secret hideout -"

"I thought the guest bedroom was the secret hideout," Armand said.

Lestat ignored him and continued speaking. "- and just put a big sign on the front door which says 'Batman's home, everybody come on in, drinks are on the house'!?"

"Already done," said David as he entered the room hot on Marius' heels. "And I've turned your bedroom into a discotheque."

Lestat looked aghast. "You, David? But why?"

David folded his arms primly. "You never paid me, you constantly shoved me into the basement in order to dig your batcave, you made me look like a total putz in all of your books and, moreover, you never provided me with benefits."

"You never got any of those either?" Daniel asked. He shook his head. "What is it with superheroes? Spend millions of dollars on cars they think make them look cool but can't toss two pennies in for little things like health insurance."

David frowned in puzzlement. "When did you work for Lestat?"

"Not Lestat," Daniel said, pointing. "Louis. I was his assistant."

"No you weren't."

"Yes I was," Daniel said. He pulled a copy of a story out of his costume. It was oddly warm. "See? Two stories ago in this series. Louis wakes up and I'm there giving him a rundown of his day. Did that for years without a lick of insurance or even a day off for that matter."

"You had years off at a time!" Louis said. "It's not like these stories come out every day, you know. It's been nearly four years since we needed you."

"Yeah, and like that doesn't make me feel unwanted. I've had a traumatic past, you know. I'm a deeply hurt person. I've got issues! I've got a great story to tell David if only he got around to interviewing me!"

"I tried," David said. "You told me you spent your teenage years working in a Blockbuster and then were chased around by Armand. After that you just repeated 'same old, same old' to every follow-up question I sent you in email."

"Not all the time," Daniel protested.

"True," David said, "there was the one time you forwarded me a cookie recipe and the red-letter day in which you sent me a make money fast scheme. But otherwise there was not much variation."

"Huh," Daniel said. "Maybe so." He shrugged it off. "Anyway it's not the point. The point is -"

"That you ramble?" Lestat asked.

"The mystery that's affecting town?" Marius suggested.

"No," Daniel said. "The point is that Louis doesn't offer health care."

"Daniel," Louis said patiently, "you're dead . You don't need health care."

"All the same you should have offered."

"Oh for Heaven's sake!"

"I think," Commissioner Marius said, cautiously trying to bring the train of conversation back on some sort of track, "that we have strayed from our purpose here a bit."

"No kidding," Lestat said. He rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I feel like I should be dead to the world or something."

"Hush your mouth," Louis said, wrapping a possessive arm around him.

"Speaking of which," Armand said, "where's that music coming from?" "Be quiet," Lestat muttered. He scuffed his boot on the carpet, effectively hitting the remote inside and turning off the stereo.

" In any event ," Marius said, raising his voice just a little to get everyone's attention "I've come to solve the mystery of why everything's so quiet."

"So are you ever going to tell us or are you just going to try to drag this dramatic pause long enough for us to Meet Joe Black?" Lestat asked.

"I was hoping," Marius said, "for at least a little dramatic tension but since you're going to be such a big baby about it and jump the gun I suppose I don't have a chance to now do I?"

"I'm not known for being patient," Lestat said.

"Is that why you have the Viagra?" Armand asked.

"The what ?" said Louis.

"Nothing," Lestat muttered.

"I thought he was on Prozac," David said, looking around in confusion.

"Those are not mine," Lestat snapped.

"Then who -"

" Don't ask." Lestat's expression made it clear that pursuing that line of thought was not a viable option. "So you were saying?" he said to Marius.

"Everyone's gone," Marius said.

Lestat frowned. "Pardon?"

"Gone," Marius said. "Departed, left, passed away -"

"Yes, yes, yes," Lestat said, waving this off. "We all know you can read a dictionary. It's very Monty Python of you. What I meant was where ?"

"And why ?" Louis added.

"Elsewhere," Marius said in response to the first question. "And zoning," he said in response to the second.

"Zoning?" Louis asked.

"Yeah," Marius said. He pulled out some paperwork from his pocket and spread it out over the coffee table for all to see. "Seems like we're not actually zoned to be here. Turns out this whole place is supposed to be a book depository. Nobody much cared about this since God knows New Orleans isn't exactly known for its literacy but the city board sent a notice out Friday that the town's in violation."

"The entire town ?" Armand said, scoffing.

"Yep," Marius said. He looked down at the paperwork philosophically. "The whole place. Everyone came here because they were attracted to the town's 'outsider' status -"

"And the fact that you can drink openly in the streets," Lestat pointed out.

"And," Marius amended, "the fact that you can drink openly in the streets. But when push comes to shove this is all nothing but empty shelf space. That's why everyone left town when the news came down."

"But I saw some people in the Quarter still," Louis said.

"Well sure you're going to have a few idiots left behind," Marius said. "But that's for the officials to deal with. Personally I'd rather not be around to so much as look at them. I've got better things to do."

"Like Armand," David said, bitterly.

"For example."

"Could we perhaps not be so crass?" Armand asked. He looked at the plans on the table dubiously. "This looks entirely shaky to me. I mean these construction designs alone seem pasted together and totally out of place. In fact I think this one is actually an early draft of the Sears Tower"

"And New Orleans is a horrible place for this," Louis said. "It's far too damp and dirty. Anything put in safekeeping here will just decay overtime."

Marius shrugged. "Not our problem. The city council wants to store books here then we've got to let them. They're the ones in authority."

"But - but what about my costume?" Lestat asked, looking stricken. "My batcave? My crime fighting?"

Marius shook his head. "Not unless you want to be a librarian." There was the sound of rumbling from outside. Marius peered out of the window. "Looks like they're ready to begin. We'd better move."

In fits and starts the group gathered up their things and made their way to the exit downstairs.

"Dear God," Lestat said. He seemed green around the edges. "Well now what?" he asked. "I mean if there's no more crimefighting to do then where the Hell are we supposed to go from here? There's no townspeople. I can't protect a city with no townspeople."

"Can't feed your ego with no groupies, morelike."

"I heard that, Armand."

"Well I said it loud enough."

"There, there," Louis said. He patted Lestat's shoulder gently. "It will be alright. I know of a place for us."

"Oh?"

"Yes," Louis said. "It's not far from here and we can still go on crimefighting."

Lestat perked up just a little bit. "Really?"

"Yes," Louis said. "Except you'll have more interesting villans, a better costume, superior equipment, a cooler soundtrack and you won't even have to go far."

"Oh?"

"Really. Because it's all right here in New Orleans," Louis said. He gave Lestat a sly grin. "Just fifty years in the future."

Lestat puzzled this over, then grinned as well. "I see."

"This is that Batman Beyond thing, isn't it?" Daniel asked, effectively ruining any dramatic mystery in the conversation. He was busy scrubbing off his Harley Quinn makeup. "If it is can I be Terry?"

" No ," Louis and Lestat said in unison. They locked their hands together and walked outside arm in arm.

"Here I am!" Jesse said, springing out from the bushes dressed in a latex costume all her own. "Batgirl at your service."

"It's too late, Jesse," Daniel said. "We're moving on. Batgirl's gonna be the commissioner now."

"Really?" she asked. She looked down at her costume critically. " Good because you wouldn't believe where I'm expected to keep my binoculars in this thing." She joined the group as they walked over to a minivan. "Where are we going?"

"A bit into the future," Armand said. He settled himself comfortably behind the wheel and started playing with the sound system. "Trust me, it'll be fun."

With that Armand pulled a pair of Ray Bans out of his pocket, slipped them over his eyes, started the van, and drove himself and the group off into the sunset.

AND SO NEW ORLEANS WAS SAFE FROM SUPERHEROES...

BUT FOR HOW LONG??????

Special!!

When I wrote Lestat Beyond it was done in the usual Batman/VC series style of being a parody of something currently going on in the spec community, little did I know it would be parodied itself.

Well, ok, maybe not parodied as such, but pretty darn close. You see, two good friends of mine, Father of Lies and Dark Angel, wrote back with something of a line by line commentary of the story, almost talking about it MST3K style. This was more appropriate than you think because not only do I do MSTs of my own from time to time but also because the Batman/VC stories themselves were somewhat inspired by a man who, years ago, MSTed one of his own Batman fanfics. The humor in that is one of the many influences on the Batman/VC series and I've always been able to admire that writer's ability to poke fun of himself in a hysterical way.

But, as I told FoL and DA when I wrote to them about their letter, I'm always too close to my own material to properly MST it. Not that I think everything I write is so perfect that it can't be done, it's just that if I take the time to try to MST it I'm far too inclined to just start rewriting! So it thrilled me to see what the two of them were able to do with it.

Now, as I said, it's not a proper MST as such as much as it is adding extra humor to the story, but I loved it and with their permission I'm going to share what they wrote (along with some comments of my own).

Note: For the purposes of clarity all added comments will be in bold. Also comments from myself will be preceeded by "LA:" and comments from FoL/DA's letter will be preceeded by "FD:" Also I've tried to save time by cutting out parts of the story that weren't referred to and comments that were just FoL and DA snorting with laughter.

FD: Okay. You was warned!

LA: Oh God.

Disclaimer: The following events, characters, storylines, concepts, letters, punctuation marks, spaces between the words, silent "e"s, pronounced "e"s, "e"s not even appearing in this spec,

FD: *snort* Now, I wonder what that refers to?

LA: I'm sure I don't know.

are not mine, never were, never will be. All rights return back to their original copyright holders (Warner Bros. DC, Bob Kane, Kid's WB, Knopf, Random House, Anne Rice, etc.) even though some of them are dead and others of them probably should be.

FD: Merowr! * snickering*

LA: Again, I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

This is a non-profit, amateur effort not intended to infringe on any of those said rights and could not possibly even try to infringe on those rights in this universe or any other.

FD: What about the alternate universe, where Spock had a beard?

LA: Well then it violates people's rights all the time as well as drinks and swears openly.

Sticks and stones can break your bones but names will never harm you and, as always, remember to let go and detach with love.

FD: Ah, but the lettin go is the hard part!

Summary: Another entry in the silly spec Batman series.

FD: I was so tickled to read these. I still have fond memories of Louis in a catsuit.

Parody: N. 1. A humorous or satirical imitation of a serious piece of literature, musical composition, person, event, etc. 2. The genre of literary composition represented by such imitations. VT. 1. To imitate (a composition, author, etc.) for purposes of ridicule or satire.

FD: Just to be safe, since certain parties apparently don't understand english.

LA: You know, the funny thing is when I wrote that I just grabbed the first dictionary I had handy. It was by sheer luck that it happened to be one from Random House.

Batman, the Caped Crusader, the Dark Knight, the protector of Gotham -

"The pompous *git*."

FD: Why do I hear Graham Chapman *rest his soul* here? Now, talk about a good choice for Lestat.....

FD: What, there aren't any mirrors in his study?

Plus he knew that moonlight complimented his cheekbones.

FD: Well, there's that, too.

"Armand," he sighed, "I thought you weren't going to do anymore of these."

FD: And we thought you weren't going to do any more "books" after Body Thief. Oh, that's right. You said any more GOOD books....

Armand drew himself up from his position on Lestat's couch and looked at Lestat sternly. "I decided to stay to preserve the artistic integrity of these stories."

FD: *cough choke sputter*

"Marvel wasn't hiring, were they?"

FD: *ROF* Now, there's a concept I may have to tackle... "The V-Men!" "The Preternatural Phour" "The Incredible Brat" "The Amazing SpiderVamp"

"Shut up."

"Uh-huh. And what about your plans of taking over the Joker's job?"

FD: Well, I guess Red hair is close to Green hair....Personally, I see him more as Klarion (bum bum BUM) the Witch Boy.

"Have you *seen* Daniel in a Harley Quinn costume?"

FD: *ROF* Oh, no.

"Thank you," Armand said. He propped his feet up on the table in front of him and continued his game of Pokemon.

FD: Why am I NOT surprised? "Team Armand blast off at the speed of light..."

LA: You know, the scary thing about that is that Armand would make a really good James.

He was five entries shy of completing his Pokedex and didn't see why the life of a crime fighter should get in the way of this goal.

FD: Well, at least he HAS a goal, unlike some blonds I could mention.

LA: Hey, Stat's got Louis in a catsuit, you expect him to focus on anything else?

"So now what, fearless leader?

FD: Fearless Leader? You vant ve should be killing Moose and Squirrel?

Please don't tell me we're going to spend another night parked in the living room watching Sentinel on Scifi. I'm not sure if I can stand listening to you sniffle about Jim and Blair's long lost relationship again."

FD: Someday, I probably should check out this show....

LA: I *will* addict you.

"You're remarkably snotty for a Boy Wonder, do you know that?"

FD: It's one of the requirements for the job. Right up there with the bad puns and the cocky attitude.

"Anyway, I'm not Robin anymore. I've moved on now. Call me Nightwing."

FD: Oh, no.

"Do I have to?"

"Only if you want to make sure Louis never finds out about your Viagra prescription."

FD: *snort*

LA: Well it works so well for Khayman...

"*You* are a nasty little person. Whatever happened to sidekick loyalty?"

FD: It's passe.

Anyway, new year, new concepts. Happy and loyal is out, dark and brooding is in."

FD: Well, I stand corrected. That suits Nightwing just right.

Armand gave Lestat a happy smile. "Being overall nasty is just a side benefit."

FD: One of the perqs of the job.

"Oh *joy*," Lestat said. He turned back to the window again. "Anyway, I'm not sure what we're doing tonight.

FD: I voted for Pacheesi.

Daniel looked affronted at Armand's outburst. He stood in the doorway awkwardly, not sure if he should enter. This was actually a fairly normal

FD: Normal? With this lot?

instinct since the contents of Lestat's study were mysterious and often sticky - the latter more or less being the cause of the former.

FD: Do I want to know?

But this time Daniel's uncertainty had more to do with Armand's reaction than Lestat's terrifying supplies of both free time and cocktail sauce.

FD: Okay. I definitely DON'T want to know.

Armand flipped his game off in disgust and

FD: Flipped Lestat off with great joy.

"You went to *prep school*, Daniel. It is impossible for you to even *try* to talk like a lower class woman from the Bronx."

FD: Could be worse. Could be the Cruisemaster trying to speak French. Love the guy, but man, that makes me cringe.

"Speak of which, Daniel," Lestat said, looking at him appraisingly, "What's with the fake boobs?"

FD: *!!!*

Daniel rolled his eyes. "Yeah, if you're a *girl*, Lestat. Otherwise. well I don't know about *you* but *I* think they make great shoulderpads."

FD: *WHEW* Boy that was a scary thought.

FD: Oh, I was hoping he'd show up.

"Honey," Lestat said, opening his arms wide to snuggle his lover close, "you always make me feel better. What's up?"

FD: I bet I know....*wicked grin*

"I was going to ask you," Louis said. He nuzzled Lestat's cheek then looked around curiously. "It's so *quiet* tonight. I hardly know what to do with myself. I've spent the past three hours down in the French Quarter with nothing to show for it except a few business cards and a priest's outfit.

FD: Now THAT is a story I'd love to hear.

What on earth is going on with this town? You'd think we weren't in New Orleans anymore."

FD: Have the protestants taken over?

LA: You know, there's nothing like a well-referenced bit of historical humor to brighten my day.

FD: "In the way she moves, attracts me like no other lover..." Suddenly, the soundtrack changes to The best of George Harrison.

LA: I was thinking more West Side Story - "Something coming, something good..."

"Didn't you make a speech just like this not five minutes ago?" Armand asked.

FD: Damn. The script has repeat pages.

Lestat let Louis go so that he could attempt making dramatic motions with his hands. "Look, the point *is* that this isn't just a dull spot brought on by the fact that five million drunken tourists have just left town. It's something big and mysterious and we need to track the cause down."

FD: Well, you are the World's Greatest Detective, right?

"I believe I have the answer to that," Commissioner Marius said as he strode into the room.

FD: *rolling eyes* Oh, no, it had to be him.

"I thought the guest bedroom was the secret hideout," Armand said.

FD: Under the bed, behind the box of platform shoes, right?

LA: Right by the pillows that say Bless This Mess

"Already done," said David as he entered the room hot on Marius' heels. "And I've turned your bedroom into a discotheque."

FD: Well, it should be quieter now, anyway.

David folded his arms primly. "You never paid me, you constantly shoved me into the basement in order to dig your batcave, you made me look like a total putz in all of your books

FD: You can't blame Stat for that. He only reports the news, he doesn't create it. Well, okay, but not this time.

and, moreover, you never provided me with benefits."

FD: Hmpf. Some proper English Valet. Didn't even bring the tea things.

FD: there is such a thing as priorities, Daniel.

"Yes I was," Daniel said. He pulled a copy of a story out of his costume. It was oddly warm.

FD: Do I want to know why?

"You had years off at a time!" Louis said. "It's not like these stories come out every day, you know. It's been nearly four years since we needed you."

FD: And we gave you a distillery.

"Yeah, and like that doesn't make me feel unwanted. I've had a traumatic past, you know. I'm a deeply hurt person. I've got issues!

FD: Yeah? Do you have JLA 122? I've been looking for that one.

I've got a great story to tell David if only he got around to interviewing me!"

FD: Next on Jerry Springer - Abused and neglected fledgling alcoholic cross dressers

FD: Sounds pretty thorough to me.

"True," David said, "there was the one time you forwarded me a cookie recipe and the red-letter day in which you sent me a make money fast scheme.

FD: Oh, god, I remember the MST treatment for those. Fave line "That cream? It's not cream."

"Huh," Daniel said. "Maybe so." He shrugged it off. "Anyway it's not the point. The point is -"

FD: Probably on those shoulders, if I recall my Harley Quinn properly... and there are some details that I don't forget...

"The mystery that's affecting town?" Marius suggested.

FD: And I would've got away with it if it wasn't for those darn kids.

"No," Daniel said. "The point *is* that Louis doesn't offer health care."

FD: "You haven't the slightest conception under God of what you ask!"

"I think," Commissioner Marius said, cautiously trying to bring the train of conversation back on some sort of track, "that we have strayed from our purpose here a bit."

FD: Diddly der hey! What was your first clue, Commish?

"No kidding," Lestat said. He rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I feel like I should be dead to the world or something."

FD: *Rocket J. Squirrel voice:* Again?

"Hush your mouth,"

FD: I'm just talkin' 'bout Shaft......er, Stat.....

"Speaking of which," Armand said, "where's that music coming from?"

FD: Same place it came from in all those Elvis movies.

LA: No, it's some weird girl playing the piano.

"*In any event*," Marius said, raising his voice just a little to get everyone's attention "I've come to solve the mystery

FD: Miss Peacock did it in the Conservatory with the Noose.

"I was hoping," Marius said, "for

FD: a puppy. But I got Armand instead.

"I'm not known for being patient," Lestat said.

"Is that why you have the Viagra?" Armand asked.

"The *what*?" said Louis.

"Nothing," Lestat muttered.

FD: * snickering* So much for the "bat pole."

"I thought he was on Prozac," David said, looking around in confusion.

"Those are *not* mine," Lestat snapped.

"Then who -"

"*Don't* ask."

FD: Hm. I thought Louis seemed pretty chipper.

Lestat frowned. "Pardon?"

FD: Dolly? *Looking at Daniel.* No, not big enough...

"Gone," Marius said. "Departed, left, passed away -"

FD: bereft of life, they rest in peace.

"Yes, yes, yes," Lestat said, waving this off. "We all know you can read a dictionary. It's very Monty Python of you.

FD: he stamps his foot and we hear the strains of "The Liberty Bell March"

"And *why*?" Louis added.

FD: Becaue we like you! M O U S E!

"Zoning?" Louis asked.

FD: Oh, yeah, Mr. Real Estate investor doesn't know from zoning.

FD: Aha! The last Dallas/New Orleans link Garrison needed! Mulder! Scully!

Nobody much cared about this since God knows New Orleans isn't exactly known for its literacy

FD: *ROFLOL* Now, I wonder where that came from...

"The *entire town*?" Armand said, scoffing.

FD: Hm. Sounds like somebody didn't pay this month's installment for the Widows & Orphans Fund. Send McSwain around to collect it, it'll be fine.

"Yep," Marius said. He looked down at the paperwork philosophically. "The whole place. Everyone came here because they were attracted to the town's 'outsider' status -"

FD: I thought it was the climate.

"And the fact that you can drink openly in the streets," Lestat pointed out.

FD: There is that.

"And," Marius amended, "the fact that you can drink openly in the streets. But when push comes to shove

FD: I'm stronger and taller than most of you, and I'll win.

"But I saw some people in the Quarter still," Louis said.

FD: Those were drunks lying in the street. You know, like you used to do?

"Could we perhaps not be so crass?" Armand asked.

FD: Where you're concerned? It's mandatory.

He looked at the plans on the table dubiously. "This looks entirely shaky to me. I mean these construction designs alone seem pasted together and totally out of place. In fact I think this one is actually an early draft of the Sears Tower"

FD: Naw. That's just some gumbo stains.

"And New Orleans is a horrible place for this," Louis said. "It's far too damp and dirty. Anything put in safekeeping here will just decay overtime."

FD: Look what happened to Lestat.

LA: Or Daniel, for that matter

Marius shook his head. "Not unless you want to be a librarian."

FD: A fate worse than death. Take it from one who knows.

There was the sound of rumbling from outside. Marius peered out of the window. "Looks like they're ready to begin. We'd better move."

FD: How about, if Lestat lays down on the street in his robe, in front of the bulldozers? And Louis turns out to be not a Creole after all, but from a little planet called Betelgeuse?

In fits and starts the group gathered up their things and made their way to the exit downstairs.

FD: Where's my snood? Here's your girdle. Where's my hairpiece? What do you want to take THAT For?

"Dear God," Lestat said.

FD: looking in the mirror

He seemed green around the edges. "Well now what?" he asked. "I mean if there's no more crimefighting to do then where the Hell are we supposed to go from here?

FD: One word:; VEGAS!

There's no townspeople. I can't protect a city with no townspeople."

FD: Sure you can, didn't you ever see that ep of Superman, with Bizarro?

"Can't feed your ego with no groupies, morelike."

FD: Same thing.

"Well I said it loud enough."

FD: "Say it once, say it loud - you're vain and you're proud!"

"Yes," Louis said. "It's not far from here and we can still go on crimefighting."

FD: Graceland?

"*No*," Louis and Lestat said in unison. They locked their hands together and walked outside arm in arm.

FD: WITH GUNS BLAZING! "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE, COPPERS!"

"Really?" she asked. She looked down at her costume critically. "*Good* because you wouldn't believe where I'm expected to keep my binoculars in this thing." She joined the group as they walked over to a minivan.

FD: It's the Mystery Machine! Jinkies.

"A bit into the future,"

FD: shouldn't it be a Delorean?

Armand said. He settled himself comfortably behind the wheel and started playing with the sound system. "Trust me, it'll be fun."

FD: Yeah. that's just what I want to hear. Armand saying, "Trust me."

With that Armand pulled a pair of Ray Bans out of his pocket, slipped them over his eyes,

FD: And started dancing to "Old Time Rock And Roll."

AND SO NEW ORLEANS WAS SAFE FROM SUPERHEROES...

BUT FOR HOW LONG??????

FD: You are so sick and twisted. I myself am deeply jealous.

LA: Awh... thanks.

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