Home / Fan Fiction / V(cough) C(cough) fic / Lestat Forever

DISCLAIMER: The following stories are all non-profit, amateur efforts not intended to infringe on the rights of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, David Geffen, Warner Brothers, Geffen Pictures, Knopf, Randomhouse, the city of New Orleans, the U.S. Consititution, any copyright holders that I might not have thought of or even a certain author who shall remain nameless but who has a set of initials which are, coincidentally enough, just one letter off from spelling "B.S."

Lestat Forever
by: The Brat Queen

Darkness falls over the city known as New Orleans. A man stands alone, looking out of a window of his sumptuously furnished mansion. It is billionaire playboy, Lestat de Lioncourt. A man whose parents died horribly when he was just a boy. A man with a tortured past. A man with a secret. Most importantly, a man with no qualms about copyright violations for this man is also..... Batman.

David Talbot entered the room to see his employer staring out of the window.

"Lestat?"

"Yes, David?"

"Why am I your servant in this? I thought I was your equal!"

Lestat turned to regard the older man. "How endearing of you to think so. Anyway, we needed *someone* to play the role of Alfred and you're the only one in the entire coven who ever hit old age."

"Thanks a heap."

"You're welcome." Lestat turned back to the window and resumed his brooding and very dramatic pose, one that he had perfected over the years. "Any news, David?"

"Yes. I checked with the zoning board and they *swear* that there is no cave underneath this house. I'm afraid you're stuck using the guest bedroom as your secret hideout."

"Damn. I *knew* I should have moved to New York! Alright, let's make the best of it."

"How?"

"I don't know! Take the lace curtains out of it! Get rid of the little soaps shaped like bunnies! Anything! Just make it look dramatic! I'm supposed to be The Dark Knight after all. How would it look if one of my enemies found out that my hideout has a pillow in it that says 'Bless This Mess'?"

"Fine! Fine! Don't get your utility belt in a knot! I'll see what I can do." David was about to leave when there was the sound of a phone ringing. A special ring. It was the Batphone, Lestat's special line to the Commissioner's office. "Oh! That'll be Marius! Here, let me--"

"Hands off, David!" Lestat snatched the phone out of David's hand. "How many times to I have to tell you to flirt with Marius on your own time?"

"I'm sorry," David said, crestfallen.

"Oh stop giving me that puppy dog look," Lestat snapped. "Fine, I'll tell him you said 'hello.' Now get out of here!"

"Thanks!" David bounded out of the room, humming "I feel pretty."

"Mad as a fruitcake," Lestat muttered. He picked up the still ringing phone. "Hi, Marius, what's up?"

"Hi, Lestat," Commishoner Marius replied. "We have a situation."

"Oh good, I've been feeling bored lately. What is it?"

"Some criminals have escaped from Arkam Asylum and are threatening to wreck havoc with the city."

"Which ones?"

"Repo Man, Encino Man and Aardvark Woman."

"*Who*? I've never heard of them!"

"I know! That's the weird thing! You see, they were never *in* the Asylum to begin with, they're just claiming that they were. I don't know why they'd bother--"

"For the prestige," Lestat said. "All the hip criminals break out of Arkam."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I've told you to put locks on the doors but did you listen to me? Noooo--"

"You know we don't have enough money to pay for locks! My kickbacks alone suck up 50% of what we're allotted. Anyway, could you be a dear and pick these guys up for me? I'd send my officers to do it but our PR people say that the public prefers the sight of you in the cape to our boys in blue."

"Sure," Lestat said. "I'm free. I'll do it tonight as a matter of fact."

"Super!"

"I told you *never* to mention that name!"

"Sorry, I slipped."

"I'm sure," Lestat growled. "By the way, David says hi."

"Really? Because I was just thinking about him and--"

"Good bye, Marius!" Lestat sighed and hung up the phone. He didn't have time for gossip. He had some criminals to catch. But first, he had a shower to take. "Look good while doing good." That was his motto. That and "Never put duct tape on hairy places." but we digress.

In the heart of the New Orleans business district there is a bank. An enormous bank which holds the majority of the cash owned by the citizens and businesses that live in New Orleans. The vast amounts of hundred dollar bills that fill the bank's well-protected safes are the desire of many a criminal.

Across the street from this bank, there is a laundromat. No prize for guessing where our triumphant trio is.

"Are you sure this is the right address?" Aardvark Woman asked. "I don't remember quite so many slacks in the last bank I was in."

"Me neither," Encino Man chimed in. "Is this a f--"

"LOOK," Repo Man snapped, "*I* am the leader of this group and *I* say it's a bank. Who are *you* to tell me what is and isn't a bank?"

"Ok, ok, it's a bank," Aardvark Woman said. "Sheesh, queen for a day over here."

"I will admit," Repo Man continued, "that there isn't a whole hell of a lot of money in here--"

"There's supposed to be money!" Encino Man whined. "How can they call it a bank if nothing in here is remotely like money?"

"Will you shut up and let me finish!" Repo Man threw a wire hanger at him. "As I was *saying* there isn't a lot of money in here so we'll have to think of some new way to get some."

"Like what?" Aardvark woman asked.

"If we had a valuable hostage, we could hold him for ransom money," Repo Man said thoughtfully.

As if on cue, or as the result of a bad plot device, in walked Armand, Commissioner Marius's child.

"I left the grey business suit for a talioring," Armand said, handing over his ticket. "Can you be quick about it? I'm in a hurry!"

Repo Man took the ticket with a smile. "Oh I'll be quick about it," he said, evilly, "I'll be *very* quick about it! MWAH HA HA HA HAH!"

"That doesn't make any sense at all given the context," Aardvark Woman said.

"Shut up!"

Commissioner Marius ducked the crowd of news cameras and made his way threw his officers to look at the laundromat where Armand was being held captive.

"What shall we do, sir?" one of his officers asked.

"All we can do is wait," he replied.

"Ok, I'm here," Lestat, in full Batman costume, appeared by Marius's side.

"Batman! Where the HELL have you been?"

"Well, *gee* I probably *could* have been here sooner if *someone* hadn't blocked up Main Street! *You* try to drive the Batmobile through all that traffic!"

"Yes, well, you're here now which is the important thing," Marius said. "Can you save Armand? And stop posing for the cameras!"

"Sorry," Batman turned back to Marius. "And yes, I *can* save Armand. But are you sure you want me to?"

Marius shrugged. "Sure, why not? You know, as long as you're in there."

"Will do!" And with that, Batman lept over the amazed police officers and made his way into the laundromat.

"Shh! Shh! Shut up! Stop giggling!"

Batman looked around the seemingly empty laundromat. Armand had been tied to a chair but there was no sight of the three villans. Neither Armand nor Batman had spoken.

"You realize," Armand said, conversationally, "that this is a trap." "Yes," Batman said. "A really bad one too."

"Awh! Who told?" Repo Man stood up from behind the counter. "Oh! Wait--"

"Way to go fearless leader," Encino Man said, getting up as well.

"Speaking of going," Batman said, "I've got some squad cars with your names on them right outside so if you just step this way..."

"Fat chance!" Aardvark Woman cried. "We're not going anywhere!"

"You don't have any weapons," Batman said. "What's going to keep you here?"

"You underestimate us!" Aardvark Woman said. "For we have one deadly weapon which will bring you to your knees!"

"And what, pray tell, is *that*?"

"We can whine!"

"NOOOOOOOO!"

"But why noooooooot?" Aardvark Woman said. "You never let us whiiiiiiiiine. Whyyyyyyy can't we whiiiiiiiiiine?"

"AAAAAAAA!" Batman put his hands to his ears, but could not stop the sound.

"You're not listening to uuuuuuuuuuusssss," Encino Man said. "How are we supposed to talk if you don't listeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnn?"

"Make it stop!" Batman fell to the floor, twiching in the fetal position.

"But why should we stoooooooooop?" Repo Man asked. "IIIIIIII don't see why we should stooooooooooooop. I can go ooooooooon and ooooon and oooo--ACK!"

A whip lashed out and cracked Repo Man right in the face, silencing the awful sound.

"Why look!" Armand said. "It's Catwo--Cat*man*?"

Louis, resplendant in a tight, black vinyl cat costume slinked into the room. "Who were you expecting? Jesse? Fat chance! If anyone gets to play around on the rooftops with the Dark Knight over there, it's me!"

Batman got shakily up to his feet and grinned at Catman. "The rooftops, the alleyways, in the backseat of the Batmobile..."

"Do you think we care to listen to this?" Aardvark Woman said petulantly. "Who the hell wants to listen to *that*?"

Simultaneouly, all of the police officers and news crew outside raised their hands.

"I wasn't asking you!" Aardvark Woman snapped.

"Forget them!" Repo Man said. "We need to get out of here!"

"I'm with you RM," Encino Man said. "Aardvark! Get the prisoner!"

Aardvark Woman untied Armand from the chair and the trio of criminals turned to run out of the back of the laundromant.

"Shall we?" Catman asked Batman.

"Let's," Batman replied and the costumed crusaders lept forward to catch the villans.

"Your freedom has been revoked, Repo Man!" Batman exclaimed as he knocked the escaping leader to the floor.

"You're extinct, Encino Man!" Catman cried as his whip lashed out and tied the criminal's feet together.

"You're fucked, Aardvark Woman!" Armand yelled as he shoved the villaness onto the ground beside her comrades.

Catman and Batman looked at Armand strangely.

"'Cause... you see... concubines sleep with people... and..."

"What does that have to do with Aardvarks?" Catman asked.

"Isn't that another name for those little spiny mammals? You know, concubines," Armand said. "I don't know why they used that as the name of someone's mistress but--"

"Porcupines!" Batman said. "You're thinking of porcupines! It's a different animal entirely!"

"*Oh*," Armand said, thoughtfully.

Just then, Commishoner Marius and his officers burst into the laundromat.

"Good job, Batman! You've saved the day!"

"I know." Batman said.

"And Catman too? Thank you!"

"My pleasure," Catman purred, his green eyes focused on The Dark Knight.

"You haven't won yet!" Encino Man said as the officers dragged him and his companions outside. "We will return! You haven't heard the last of The Triumphant Trio! We'll destroy you! We'll destroy you all!"

"SHUT UP!" Repo Man and Aardvark Woman replied.

"They'll have to do their Martinizing up at Arkam from now on," Marius said. "They're finally in the very place they claimed to be. Ironic, isn't it?"

"Huh? Yeah, whatever," Batman said, moving his cape to hide the sight of Catman's hand sliding into his Batsuit. "Um, I've got to go. Bye!"

"Farewell, Dark Knight," Marius said as the two costumed men ran to the Batmobile and raced off into the night.

And so Gotham--I mean New Orleans was safe once again.

BUT FOR HOW LONG????????