Home / Fan Fiction / V(cough) C(cough) fic / Lestat Returns

DISCLAIMER: The following stories are all non-profit, amateur efforts not intended to infringe on the rights of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, David Geffen, Warner Brothers, Geffen Pictures, Knopf, Randomhouse, the city of New Orleans, the U.S. Consititution, any copyright holders that I might not have thought of or even a certain author who shall remain nameless but who has a set of initials which are, coincidentally enough, just one letter off from spelling "B.S."

Lestat Returns
by: The Brat Queen

[quick note: the mention of ribs is an homage to my friend, Diane.]

Billionaire playboy and secret superhero Lestat de Lioncourt leaned back in his desk chair and glowered at the phone in his hand.

"I don't care *what* those fools at DC told you, Christine! They signed a contract and they have to abide by it.... So what if I had just escaped the icy waters of Mr. Freeze's moat? We agreed on the proportions that I would be drawn by *long* before that little plotline came up!.... I don't give a damn about scientific fact! Scientific fact doesn't help me when I've got street punks calling me 'Tiny'! Look, you tell them that the next issue had better explain that it was my very small and very dead robot double coming out of that moat or I'm taking my butt over to Marvel. Got it? Good! Love ya babe. Buh-bye."

He slammed the phone down onto the desk with obvious satisfaction. Then he remembered that it was a portable so he picked it up again, hit the 'off' button, then slammed it down again.

"What do I have to do to get a little respect in this town?" he asked the air. When the air didn't respond he decided to get a beer instead.

The sounds of water splashing in one of the hall bathrooms stopped him halfway to the kitchen. He opened the door and looked inside. David, his servant, was there trying to wash off the dirt that completely covered his body.

"David, what are you doing here?" Lestat asked.

"I'm just trying to get cleaned up, Lestat," David replied.

"No, I mean what are you doing *here*? You're supposed to be in the basement!"

"Can't I have a little break, Lestat?" David pleaded. "I've been down there all day!"

"My Batcave isn't digging itself, David."

"But it's so hard!"

"You knew that your new job would require a lot of work when you accepted it. Or do you no longer want to be my *Head* Assistant?"

"I wanted a raise!"

"And I'm supposed to give you more money without you giving me something in return? That's rather selfish of you now isn't it?" Lestat asked.

"But this is impossible! You know New Orleans is too close to the water table. How am I supposed to dig a cave when it keeps flooding?"

"That's your responsiblity to figure out, David, not mine. Or are you not capable of being my Head Assistant? Because I could always give you back your old job. Of course, that means that you'll never get that raise either."

"I still haven't gotten it! You just gave me that new title and told me to dig the cave!"

"On *probation*, David. Probation. You'll get your money once you show me that you can do the work required of your new job. You knew this when I gave you the job, David, I don't know why you're complaining so much now."

"I don't have to take this, you know!" David threw his towel down on the floor. "I could quit! I could walk right out that door! I could--"

"*I* could tell Commissioner Marius about all the times you called those 1-900 numbers and asked the operator to pretend to be him."

"I could probably get a lot more done if I worked days *and* nights," David said. "Yes, that's the ticket. In fact, I'll get back to it right now."

"That's the spirit, David," Lestat patted him on the shoulder, then quickly wiped the dirt off of his hand. "You'll see that raise any week now."

"Sounds great!" David said. He began to walk out of the bathroom, then stopped. "Um, Lestat?"

"Yes, David?"

"It's just that--well... can I have a shovel?"

Lestat folded his arms impatiently. "Make up your mind, David. You can have the raise or another promotion. Not both! And I've seen your phone bill. Take it from me, you want the raise."

"Oh, ok then. Thanks, I think," David turned to walk out of the bathroom once again and nearly collided into Louis de Pointe du Lac who was walking in.

"Careful!" Louis said. "This is a new suit!"

"Louis!" Lestat said, with great pleasure. "How did you get in?" "No one answered the door when I rang so I picked the lock," Louis kissed Lestat on the cheek. "I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all," Lestat said. "So, what brings you around?"

"I thought that the two of us could get together and pretend to do something for those philantropic orgainizations that we're required to be a part of so that no one thinks of us too strangely when we run around in tight black outfits and tie up bad people in the middle of the night."

"What do you mean, 'pretend'?" David asked. "Are you saying that it's all a sham?"

"Of course it's a sham!" Lestat said. "What else would you call it when Louis and I have to go through this charade when the mayor and the commissioner get off scott free?"

"But still--really? Marius ties people up?" David's eyes unfocused. "And--and he owns a... tight... black...."

Lestat filled a glass with cold water, then threw it over David.

"Thank you," David gasped. "I needed that."

"Whatever," Lestat said. "So, Louis, what's your charity du jour?"

Louis shrugged. "An environmental something or other. You know, 'Save the tigers' or some such. Anything that goes with the costume. What about you?"

"Same old, same old," Lestat said. "Anything that requires me to go to $1000 a plate dinners with an empty-headed, big breasted woman on my arm."

"The tortures you go through to wear the cape and cowl," Louis teased. "You poor baby."

"Wait a second!" David said. "I thought that the two of you weren't supposed to know about your secret identities. Isn't there a rule against that?"

"Who do I look like? Lois Lane?" Louis scoffed. "Puh-lease! If I had to do one 'I love you. But you're not like... *him*.' drama I'd throw up."

"Really now, David," Lestat said. "What were you thinking? Common sense alone should tell you that if I see a man with a catsuit and a whip, I'm going to get a name and phone number"

"That's true," David said. "I never thought about it that way."

"Anyway," Louis said. "I'm starving. What's for dinner?"

Lestat looked over at David. "Well? You heard him. What's for dinner?"

"Lestat," David said, "I haven't had time to make dinner, remember? I've been down in the basement, digging the Batcave."

"So your secret hideout really is a bedroom?" Louis asked. "I thought you were just telling me a cheap pick-up line!"

"Yes, well, it's a transitory move," Lestat said, glaring at David. "I'll have that cave any day now. Forget about that for now. Let's go out to eat. What are you in the mood for?"

"Ribs," Louis said.

"Ribs? You don't want lobster or strawberries in champange, you want ribs?" Lestat asked.

"What's wrong with ribs?"

"It's not exactly the dinner I had in mind, Louis," Lestat said. "If you know what I mean."

"What? You don't like nibbling along the tender meat, licking up the sauce, sucking it off your fingers and--"

"David we're going out for ribs!" Lestat grabbed Louis by the hand and dragged him out of the room. "And don't wait up!"

Two hours later, Lestat and Louis found themselves at a butcher's.

"I can't believe that not a single restaurant in New Orleans has ribs," Lestat muttered. "Gumbo, yes. Catfish, yes. More shrimp than God ever intended man to eat, yes. But no ribs!"

"There, there," Louis said. "I'm sure they'll have them here. Then we can go home, have David cook them up and you can show me your 'guest bedroom'."

"Can I help you?" the butcher asked.

"Give us some of your best ribs," Lestat told him.

"And some milk if you've got it," Louis added.

Lestat looked at Louis curiously.

"It's a fetish, alright?" Louis snapped. "Anyway, you don't hear me making fun of your car."

"I wasn't complaining, I was just curious," Lestat said. "Honestly, don't you read this story as it goes along? See, right there: 'Lestat looked at Louis curiously'."

"Oh," Louis said. "Sorry about that. I haven't been paying much attention. After all, not much has gone on yet plotwise."

As if on cue, or just to piss Louis off for complaining about what I've written so far, the door to the butcher's flew open and in came Repo Man, Encino Man and Aardvark Woman.

"Yes!" Repo Man exclaimed. "The Triumphant Trio has returned!"

"Crap," Louis said. "Remind me to shut up next time."

"Will do," Lestat said.

"SILENCE!" Repo Man ordered. "We're here and we mean business!"

"Did you take a number?" the butcher asked.

"Not *that* kind of business!" Repo Man said. "Ok, everybody get down on the floor!"

"No way!" Lestat said. "This is a thousand dollar Armani suit. I'm not getting down on that floor unless you pay my cleaning bill."

"Hey, are you calling my place dirty?" the butcher asked.

"Not at all," Lestat said. "I'm just saying that every floor, simply because it is a floor and gets walked on, has a certain amount of dirt--"

"QUIET!" Repo Man said.

"Fine," Lestat said. "But I'm not getting down on that floor."

"Ok then, you!" Repo Man turned to Louis. "Get up against the wall."

"Only if you buy me dinner and a movie first," Louis said. "And even then I won't do it with *you*."

"Oh God!" Repo Man cried. He began rubbing his temples. "I'm getting one of those headaches again. Guys, do something!"

Encino Man stepped forward. "Look," he whispered to Lestat and Louis, "would you mind just sitting down on those chairs over there? We've got some things to do and it'd be safer for everyone if you weren't in our way."

"Sounds reasonable," Lestat said.

"Why are you being so nice all of a sudden?" Louis asked.

"Because this is a private conversation," Encino Man said. "I'll go back to being a prick in just a sec. wait and see."

Lestat and Louis looked at each other, shrugged, and sat down on the chairs.

"Finally!" Repo Man said. "Ok, now. Aardvark, go to it!"

Aardvark Woman grabbed the butcher. "Alright, buddy," she said. "We know you've got a shipment of the good stuff coming. And when it gets here, you'd better hand it over to us. Got it?"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" the butcher said. "I don't have anything to do with drugs! Ok, maybe a little heroin but that's it!"

Aardvark Woman slapped him. "Not that you fool! We're talking about the *real* good stuff!"

The butcher gasped. "You mean--"

"Yes! We want the delivery of filet mignon!"

"WHAT??"

"I have seen the truth," Repo Man said. "And I know what true evil is! It's not Satan. It's not corruption. It's not The Bridges of Madison County. It is the meat that they call filet mignon!"

"I hate it!" Encino Man said.

"It will bring about the end of the world as we know it!" Aardvark Woman said.

"We must destroy it!" Repo Man said. "I want to rid the world of every single mignon there is! I never even want to hear the word 'mignon' ever again!"

"Why do I suddenly have a Nine Inch Nails song in my head?" Lestat asked.

"You always did have a thing for rhymes," Louis said. He turned his attention to the trio of criminals. "Excuse me? But what exactly were you planning to do to us if we didn't let you have the meat in question?"

"You want to know what I'm going to do?" Repo Man asked. "I'll show you what I'm going to do! Encino! Bring me my new, devious weapon so that I might show it to our interested friend."

Encino Man reached into his pocket and pulled out a small stick. "Here you go, boss."

Reop Man looked at it incredulously. "What the hell is this?"

"It's your weapon."

"No it isn't! My weapon is a spear with sharp dagger-type things on each side and a laser light. This is a pointer that one might use in demonstrations or lectures. What am I supposed to do with this?"

"You could emphasize things with it," Lestat said.

"Nobody asked you!" Repo Man snapped. He threw the pointer away. "Ok, so I *don't* have a new weapon. But I can still harm you pretty badly if I wanted to so don't chance it buddy!"

"So what are we supposed to do?" Lestat asked.

"You can just sit there while we wait for the shipment of mignons to arrive."

"And when will that be? Roughly."

"Tomorrow morning," the butcher said. "Possibly afternoon."

"What?" Aardvark Woman asked. "Repo! You said it was today!"

"So I'm off by a lousy day," Repo Man said. "Big deal. At least we're out of Arkam."

"Arkam doesn't have any locks!" Encino Man said. "We could have left anytime we wanted to! We're only here now because of you and your mignon fixation!"

"Well I'm the leader and I say that being here now is a good idea," Repo Man said. "So shut up and wait!"

"Lestat?" Louis whispered. "My legs are starting to go numb and this is not the senario I had in mind for that happening. Shall we do something?"

"We'll have to get into our costumes," Lestat whispered back. "Else our tragic trio over there will know who we are and I'd rather kill myself than have that happen. Do you have your catsuit on underneath your clothes?"

"Of course," Louis replied. "I was planning on spending the night with you, remember?"

"Good," Lestat said. "I'm set as well. Now we just need a moment of privacy to change."

"Like what?"

"Like this." Lestat lept out of his chair. "OMIGOD LOOK AT THAT REALLY PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A DISTRACTION RIGHT OVER THERE!"

"What? Where?" the trio and the butcher looked around frantically.

"Right here!" the voice of Batman said and Repo Man was suddenly punched across the face.

"It's Batman and Catman!" the butcher cried. "They've suddenly appeared and yet I feel no need to question the fact that my two customers disappeared at exactly the same time! Heroin does that to me!"

"Oh great," Encino Man said. "It's the dynamic duo."

"Not a duo exactly," Batman said. "More like an occaisional partnership."

"What's the matter, Batman?" Aardvark Woman asked. "Afraid of commitment?"

"No," Catman said as he side kicked her in the gut. "We're just too in love with our work."

"Too true," Batman said as he threw Encino Man against a wall. "I could do this all day."

"You can't stop u--UGH!" Repo Man cried out as Batman punched him in the face again.

Encino Man tried to crawl out the door when Catman's whip lashed out and grabbed him by the throat.

"Give me two minutes and I can completely destroy his vocal chords," Catman said, tightening his hold. "At a loss for words, Encino Man?"

"Go for it!" Batman said. He grabbed Repo Man and Aardvark Woman together, swung them around, then flung them across the room. "Have a nice flight you two?"

"S-stop... the puns," Aardvark Woman said. "Please! We turn ourselves in!"

"Oh you were arrested long ago," Batman said. "The police are right outside. This was just for our amusement."

"We can take it from here," Commissioner Marius said as he and his officers came into the shop. "Take them away boys!"

"You haven't heard the last of us!" Encino Man said as he and his partners were dragged outside. "Just when you think you've gotten rid of us for good, we'll come back! You'll hear from us again and again and--"

"SHUT UP!" his partners told him.

"They'll have to do their tenderizing up at Arkam from now on," Marius said. "Good work you two."

"Thank you," Catman said. "But if you'll excuse us, Commissioner, I have a bone to pick with the Dark Knight. A very special bone."

"We're off!" Batman said as he and Catman disappeared into the night.

And so New Orleans was safe once again.

BUT FOR HOW LONG??????