Home / Fan Fiction / V(cough) C(cough) fic / Louis Forever

DISCLAIMER: The following stories are all non-profit, amateur efforts not intended to infringe on the rights of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, David Geffen, Warner Brothers, Geffen Pictures, Knopf, Randomhouse, the city of New Orleans, the U.S. Consititution, any copyright holders that I might not have thought of or even a certain author who shall remain nameless but who has a set of initials which are, coincidentally enough, just one letter off from spelling "B.S."

Louis Forever
by: The Brat Queen

The sound of an alarm clock ringing woke Louis de Pointe du Lac up with a start.

"Damn," he said. "And I was just getting up to the part of my dream where Lestat shows me his *real* Bathook."

Louis turned off his alarm, put on his bathrobe then sauntered out into the kitchen.

"Can't you just walk like normal people?" Daniel, his assistant, asked. "I'm sick of you sauntering all over the place."

"I'm a superhero," Louis said. "I'm supposed to make dramatic entrances."

"Sauntering is dramatic?"

"At this hour of the morning, yes it is." Louis took a carton of milk out of the refrigerator and chugged it down.

"That's disgusting," Daniel said.

"It's a--"

"Fetish, yes, I know. And I'm pleased beyond measure that you'll share *that* with me, but have yet to even kiss me on the lips. Top it off with you contantly talking about Lestat and I'm one happy camper."

Louis made a face at him. "You're just bitter because your relationship with Armand hasn't been written into this series yet."

"I never suggested otherwise," Daniel said. "When will that be happening anyway?"

Louis shrugged. "Who knows? Armand still needs to fulfill his function by becoming a superhero in his own right."

"What's holding him back?"

"The name," Louis said. "He doesn't want to be called 'Batboy.' His lawyers are working around the clock to get him 'Nightwing' but DC just isn't being that helpful. And 'Robin' is simply out of the question, of course."

"Of course," Daniel said.

Louis tossed the now empty milk container into the trash. "So what's my schedule for today?"

"Not much," Daniel said, taking out his Newton. "The WWF called-- that's 'Wildlife' not 'Wrestling'--and you're booked for their charity banquet on the 12th. The other WWF called--that's 'Whips' not 'Wildlife'-- and they said that they ran out of what you wanted in "Spank Me Black and Blue" but if you don't mind switching--no pun intended--over to "Black as my Soul" as the color, you won't have to wait for them to catch up on their backorders."

"Sounds fine," Louis said. "Just so long as it matches the costume. Anything else?"

"Yes," Daniel pulled out a clipboard. "CatFancy sent over the data sheet that they'd like you to fill out for your centerfold. We can fill these out now, if you don't mind."

"Fire away."

"Name? Well, Catman of course," Daniel said, writing on the form. "Likes?"

"Frenchmen with a taste for rubber."

"Gee, I wonder who *that* is," Daniel muttered. "Motto?"

"'If you think I'm going to make a pussy joke, you're *sadly* mistaken.'"

"Pet Peeves?"

"Not having enough powder when I need to get into the costume and villans who make bad puns on my name."

"Too true," Daniel said. "Job?"

"Secretary, Socialite or prostitute, depending on who the audience is at the time."

"Uh-huh," Daniel said. "And finally: if you had a fight with Batman, who would win?"

"Me of course," Louis said.

Daniel laughed. "Not too arrogant there, are you now?"

"It's true," Louis said. "Lestat and I are almost complete equals save for one thing: whenever Lestat is about to get into a historical, soon to be a major motion picture fight, he has flashbacks of his parents dying."

"I had no idea," Daniel said. "That's so sad."

"I know," Louis said. "It's very upsetting for him."

"I can imagine."

"After all, *he* killed his father."

"Um--"

"And Gabrielle isn't even dead."

"Oh," Daniel said. "Then why--"

"Major malfunction in the Batsuit," Louis said. "But the store won't take it back so he's got to put up with it until they can build him a new one."

Daniel rubbed his forehead. "I think that's enough for now."

"Perfect," Louis said. He frowned, suddenly, and cocked his head to the side, listening. "What's that noise?"

"Nothing," Daniel said. "Just the TV. I've got it turned to Plot Convienence News Network."

"You'd better turn it up then," Louis said.

"Our top story tonight on PCNN," the relentlessly personable newsanchor said, "is the kidnapping of billionaire playboy, Lestat de Lioncourt. The latest reports say that he's being held captive in the old abandoned Dustbuster Factory just outside of town and he could quite possibly be killed."

"How very sad," the co-anchor said.

"I know," came the reply. "Note that I am wearing subued colors and am frowning. But speaking of killing, how about those KnickZZZZT!"

The last sound was the result of Louis throwing Daniel's Newton into the TV screen. Daniel looked at Louis in shock.

"What can I say?" Louis asked. "I hate chatter, OK? Anyway, I've got work to do and this story has a scene change to make. Let's get to it!"

"I'm going to kill David," Lestat said to himself as he tried to undo the ropes tying his wrists together. "This is the last time I trust him to turn on the alarm after coming home from a date with Marius. Although I suppose it's my fault for thinking that the flow of blood would have returned to his brain by then."

"Shut up," Encino Man said. "It's bad enough that I'm stuck here with *you*, don't make it worse with your constant chatter."

"Oh, like this is a dream come true for me as well," Lestat said. "Anyway, why is it just you? What happened to the 'Triumphant Trio'?"

"We had creative differences."

"They dumped you."

"They did NOT--look, it's not as though I don't have a partner, I do!"

"Of course you do," Lestat said with sickening sweetness.

"I do so!" Encino Man said, stomping his foot on the ground. "He's just taking a little while to get here, that's all. It's not his fault that he has to come in on the middle of this."

"That all depends on the entrance he chooses to make," Lestat said.

"Well you can see for yourself," Encino Man said, "because here he comes. Parrot Boy, say hello to our prisoner, Lestat de Lioncourt."

Parrot Boy opened his mouth in surprise. "Oh wow, you're that rich guy bachelor, aren't you?"

"That's 'billionaire playboy'," Lestat said. "And it's a trademarked phrase so I'd make sure to get it right, if I were you. I'd hate to have to see you in court for that. Anyway, now that we're all here, what are you going to do with me?"

"You, sir, are part of my diabolical plan," Encino Man said.

"This isn't the meat again, is it?" Lestat asked.

"No! That was all Repo's foolish idea," Encino Man said. "I'm not crazy like him, I don't think that the future lies in the destruction of meat."

"That's good to hear," Lestat said.

"The future," Encino Man continued, "lies in vocabulary."

There was a pregnant pause which then gave birth to a six pound, two ounce baby girl.

"Vocabulary?" Lestat asked.

"Yes," Encino Man said. "The English launguage is far too complex. It's no wonder society is falling apart when we must try to focus on so many letters and sounds when we are speaking. I'm going to eliminate everything on this earth which is named with a word that has more than four letters in it. Then, and only then will we be free."

"I see," Lestat said, rolling his eyes. He turned to Parrot Boy. "And what's your role in all of this?"

"I'm his lawyer," Parrot Boy said. "I make sure that everything that he does follows the exact letter of the law and thus, he doesn't have to go to jail. For example, he's in the clear right now because there is no law on the books that says a person can't destroy something that has more than four letters in its name."

"That may be," Lestat said. "But there *are* laws against breaking out of jail, kidnapping and intent to murder. All of which you did just to bring me here."

"Whoopsie," Parrot Boy said.

"Dammit!" Encino Man said. "I *told* you we shouldn't have kidnapped him! Why on *earth* would we kidnap him anyway? He's got nothing to do with our plan!"

"It was all for publicity," Parrot Boy said. "I've been talking to the networks and they all said that no one would watch a TV movie of the week about a guy destroying stuff just because it has too many letters in it! It was 'too PBS' they said! We *had* to do a kidnapping or we wouldn't have gotten a dime."

"Ok, ok, fine," Encino Man said. "We can still do this. We can still follow our plan *and* get the publicity. Tell you what, we'll start out by destroying this factory with him in it, then we can move on to everything else with more than four letters."

"May I ask a question?" Lestat asked.

"What?" Encino Man replied.

"Well, if you're going to destroy everything with more than four letters, won't you have to destroy yourself as well? 'Encino' has two letters too many by your rules."

Encino's eyes widened. "Parrot? Is that true?"

"Um, yeah," Parrot Boy said. "I've been meaning to talk to you about that actually. Under your plan, we would have to kill ourselves as well."

"Oh *great*," Encino Man said. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"The networks said that they'd pay double if it ended in a suicide."

"Double?" Encino Man considered this. "No, nope. Forget it. I'm not going to kill myself, even for all that money."

"Damn," Lestat whispered.

"So what are we going to do now?" Parrot Boy asked.

Encino Man thought for a bit. "Ok, change of plan. Instead of destroying everything with *more* than four letters, we'll destroy everything with *exactly* four letters. That keeps us safe, right?"

"Yes it does," Parrot Boy said. "But where shall we start? 'Abandoned Dustbuster Factory' has too many letters in it now. We'll have to relocate."

"Not necessarily," Encino Man said. "This is actually the perfect place to start. After all, this place is so filthy that if we blew it up, we'd get rid of all of those things floating in the air. Blast it! What do you call them?"

"Particles?" Lestat said.

"No, not particles."

"Little pieces of grime?"

"No, but you're close. The 'little' part," Encino Man said. "This is so frustrating, it's right on the tip of my tongue."

"Minute?"

"No."

"Microscopic?"

"No, no, no. That's not what I mean. I'm talking about those little, tiny.... *things* of dirt floating in the air."

"Well, 'dirt' is four letters," Parrot Boy said. "Is that what you mean?"

"No," Encino sighed. "I mean those *things*, those *things* of dirt. They're all over the place here. Never mind, it'll come to me later. The point is they're here, it's four letters, let's just do it!"

"Not so fast!" A voice cried out. There was the sound of glass breaking as Catman crashed through the skylight and landed in front of the two villans.

"Catman!" Lestat said. "What a *spectactcular* entrance!"

"I do my best," Catman replied. "Now then, I'm given to understand that these two villans were about to do away with you?"

"That is correct," Lestat said.

"Well we can't have *that* now can we?"

"Hey," Parrot Boy said. "I can do whatever I want to! I'm a lawyer and I know that there is no law against--"

"Shut up," Catman said as he kicked Parrot Boy in the crotch.

"Wait a minute!" Encino Man said.

"It goes double for you," Catman replied as he gave Encino Man the same treatment.

"Thanks," Lestat said as he finally broke free of his bonds. "I've been wanting to do that to them for quite some time."

"You and everyone else in the world," Catman said. "Actually, come to think of it, we're alone, I've got a spare whip, why don't we do away with these two once and for--"

"Everything's alright, we're here!" Commissioner Marius announced as he and his police officers burst onto the scene.

"Damn," Catman and Lestat said at the same time.

"Catman, nice work," Commissioner Marius said. He motioned for his officers to take the villans into custody. "We'll take it from here. They'll have to do their grammer checking up at Arkam from now on."

"Great," Catman said. "Just great."

"I knew you'd be pleased," Marius said. "Here, why don't you go home? Lestat can hitch a ride with one of us and--"

"Ah, that's ok," Lestat said. "Catman said that he had a spare that I could use so I'll be going home with him."

"Thanks, Catman," Marius said. "That's a big help, what with Lioncourt Manor being so out of the way and all."

"Anything to do my part," Catman said over his shoulder as he and Lestat disappeared into the night.

And so New Orleans was safe once again.

BUT FOR HOW LONG???????????