Home / Fan Fiction / V(cough) C(cough) fic / MST Alvis Picture Scam

DISCLAIMER: The following stories are all non-profit, amateur efforts not intended to infringe on the rights of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, David Geffen, Warner Brothers, Geffen Pictures, Knopf, Randomhouse, the city of New Orleans, the U.S. Consititution, any copyright holders that I might not have thought of or even a certain author who shall remain nameless but who has a set of initials which are, coincidentally enough, just one letter off from spelling "B.S."

MST Alvis Picture Scam
by: The Brat Queen

(Note: Due to their nature, the formatting of these is a little strange. Every line which begins with a > is something quoted from the original post. Depending on your monitor settings, those quoted lines may wrap together and leave multiple > marks on one line. Sorry about that.)

6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Lestat: It's my birthday, isn't it?

Daniel: You have to ask?

Louis: Truthfully, I think it's mine.

Armand: Gentlemen, *please*. I don't bring you new spams *that* infrequently.

Lestat: Says *you*.

Louis: Really. We couldn't keep Lestat away from the screen and you think that's normal?

Daniel: The word "money" only appears as a price. You think *that's* normal?

Armand: Alright, alright, point made. Can we get on with it?

Louis: Please.

> Date: 21 Jun 1996 12:38:40 GMT > From: Alvis [astisest@usa.pipeline.com]

Lestat: *There's* an unhappy childhood.

Daniel: No, wait, it's a chipmunk. Remember? "Simon, Theodore and AL-VIS!!!!"

> Newsgroups: alt.clothing.lingerie, alt.censorship.canada.dumb, > alt.censorship, alt.celebrities, alt.cars.Ford-Probe, alt.books.reviews, > alt.books.anne-rice, alt.books, alt.bizarre, alt.binaries.scientology, > alt.binaries.pictures.voyeurism, alt.binaries.pictures.vehicles > Subject:

Lestat: SCAMS. No, wait! I meant

> SCANS AS LITTLE AS .50@ EMAILED BACK TO YOU

Daniel: I'll take "Random e-mailed words" for $400, Alex.

> A picture is worth a lot more than a thousand words

Louis: Actually, with current inflation, a picture is only worth about fifty words, seventy-five Canadian.

> when you're trying to sell an item,

Armand: Depends upon the item. When selling manure, a picture can't be given away for free, quite frankly.

> would rather have your significant other to look at as > wallpaper

Lestat: "Honey, you know what the baby's room needs? You, plastered to the wall! What do you say?"

> than a corporate logo,

Daniel: Do you think he confuses his significant other with corprate logos often?

> are wishing you could incorporate the

Louis: Alvis, I beg you, pick a sentence structure and run with it.

> little ones into the new card program you just downloaded,

Armand: "Dear Sally, I'm so sorry about your dad and the trash compactor. But here's a picture of little Alvis on the potty to chase those funeral blues away!"

> or just wish the heck

Lestat: Boy they get rid of the CDA and the foul language just *flows*. Alvis, please, children are reading this spam!

> you could exchange pictures with your E-mail pen pal without > exchanging real addresses.

Louis: I suspect hiding his real address from the public at large is not a new habit for Monsieur Alvis.

> So what's stopping you?

Lestat: The ungodly pleasure of making fun of you. Pay attention.

> For less than a cold drink on a hot day

Armand: You can talk live and dirty with your favorite spammer. Just call 1-900-HOT-ALVIS.

> you can put whatever you want into your computer.

Daniel: Hands up, who would like to put Alvis's face through the monitor or any other piece of glass? I thought so.

> Having it in your computer means you can pretty much put it anywhere else > you want to.

Lestat: My vote's on shoving it up Alvis's--

Louis: LESTAT!!

Lestat: What? You were thinking it too!

> We use a top quality single-pass scanner and offer quick turn around and > quality scans.

Daniel: Or I send you any old file and tell you that you downloaded it incorrectly. Same thing.

> No leaving it in my mailbox until after next week's exam

Armand: How cute! Alvis is pretending he went to school!

> or trying to line up the hand-held job that is now archaic.

Louis: Alvis stopped doing that once the Better Business Bureau found out.

> Speed, quality and great prices.

Daniel: Umm.... things not found in businesses that spam! things that Alvis would lie about! things Heidi Fliess used to offer! Umm... pass! Next question!

> HERE'S THE DEAL:

Lestat: Simple game--

Louis: That's it. No more Mission Impossible for you.

Lestat: You are *no* fun.

> One to five

Armand: Scams

> scans in .jpg, .bmp. or .gif formatting: 75 cents each. (Other formats are > available.)

Daniel: Not that Alvis offers them, just that they're available.

> Six or more

Daniel: Scams

> scans as above, only 50 cents each.

Louis: Hence Alvis's catchy subject heading.

> This includes all sizes up to a 5 x 7 picture. Anything bigger, up to > 8 1/2 x 14 add 25 cents.

Armand: Alvis's quarter fetish rears its ugly head once more.

> However, if you have 10 or more pictures to

Louis: Scam.

> scan you can forget the extra quarter.

Lestat: In fact, for all Alvis cares, you can shove it up your--

Louis: LES-TAT!!

Lestat: What? Alvis is just trying to share his love of quarters with the rest of the world. Quarter love is a beautiful thing.

Daniel: "Quarters, you're worth waiting for" brought to you by the Alvis D. Moss foundation.

> I will

Lestat: Scam.

> scan your pictures at any DPI up to 1200. However, what is > generally recommended for the net is 72 DPI, and anything over 300 DPI will > not be noticed on printers under the $15,000.00 range. All that the extra > DPI quantity does for most of us is to consume storage space and download > time.

Lestat: Alvis's use of big words frightened the young netizens, but his bright plumage marked him as a Do Do bird and one not to be touched.

> HERE'S HOW IT WORKS:

Armand: The mirror is *angled*, giving the illusion that the box is empty.... no, wait, wrong instrustions, sorry.

> Mail your pictures to:

Louis: You don't trust your e-mail pen pal but Monsieur Alvis suddenly wants a map to your home? I suppose it's as logical as anything else in this spam.

> L.A.B.

Armand: Scams.

> SCANS > P. O. BOX 3341 > West Columbia, SC 29171

Lestat: Write this address down for a handy reference when you call your local postmaster.

> Include a check OR MONEY ORDER for the correct amount,

Daniel: Checks for all of fifty cents. Try not to spend it all in one place, Alvis.

> your email address,

Armand: Because you don't want to trust a stranger like Alvis with your home address.

> and a self-addressed, stamped envelope for the Return of your pictures.

Armand: Because Alvis is hoping your short-term memory is shot to hell.

Lestat: At least he wishes to heck it were.

> Within 24 hours of receiving your pictures I will

Daniel: Post them to every alt.sex.binaries group in existance.

> email you the scanned > pictures, place your pictures in your envelop and post them to you.

Louis: Or go that "extra mile" and return them to you personally. Be sure to sterilize the loose change.

> LEGAL BIT: There are really only two concerns here: 1) Copyrights and,

Daniel: Net abuse.

> 2) Pornography.

Daniel: That too.

> On the first matter:

Lestat: I don't know a damned thing so I'm just going to wing it.

> Much to do with your use of copyrighted material has to do with your > purpose in copying and/or using it.

Armand: Copyrights, like quarters, must be treated gently and with love.

> For example, there is a difference in how you can use copyrighted > material if you are a student, educator,

Lestat: Supermodel, garbage man, net spammer, total moron

> or researcher. I cannot be expected to know your intent or your > position in life.

Louis: I try to maintain a strict anti-Alvis position in my life, if this helps any.

> By mailing me any copyrighted material you are stating that you know > the laws as they apply to you and that you have the right to posses > copies of the material.

Daniel: *Right*? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, *right*?

> In > the second matter: While I am a firm believer in one's right to privacy > and freedom from censorship, I also have personal constraints.

Lestat: My noticable lack of any personality being one of them.

> I will not

Louis: Scam.

> scan any item that even hints at being child pornography.

Armand: I prefer to keep them for myself next to my quarter collection.

> Anything else, The family dog,

Louis: He approves of pornography with the family dog??

> the number one child digging into the first birthday cake,

Daniel: The number one daddy getting drunk and passing out behind him...

> you and your significant other doing whatever it is that you do,

Lestat: Ah yes, the Alvis Mint brings you its series of erotic photos from the average person's life. The series includes such classic photos as "Hand me the sports pages, sweetheart", "Who forgot to refill the ice cube tray?" and the timeless "Cleaning up after Rover." Order now!

> or anything other than child pornography; as long as it is legal.

Armand: Or something Alvis finds sexy.

> By sending me the material you are > stating that any persons in the pictures are of legal age (if it is > relevant) and that you have the right to copy it.

Louis: And that you truly do not care if someone named Alvis is able to do whatever he likes with pictures of you in the nude.

> I am acting simply as your agent.

Daniel: Dah-ling, sweetie, baby! You look *wonderful*! I loved you in that thing you did! Let's spam lunch!

> Enjoy your

All: Scams.

> scans! > > Alvis

All: Alllll-VISSSSSS!

Lestat: "Yes, Dave?"

Louis: Let's leave.

Armand: Please.