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DISCLAIMER: The following stories are all non-profit, amateur efforts not intended to infringe on the rights of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, David Geffen, Warner Brothers, Geffen Pictures, Knopf, Randomhouse, the city of New Orleans, the U.S. Consititution, any copyright holders that I might not have thought of or even a certain author who shall remain nameless but who has a set of initials which are, coincidentally enough, just one letter off from spelling "B.S."

MST Business Guide
by: The Brat Queen

(Note: Due to their nature, the formatting of these is a little strange. Every line which begins with a > is something quoted from the original post. Depending on your monitor settings, those quoted lines may wrap together and leave multiple > marks on one line. Sorry about that.)

6.... 5.... 4.... 3.... 2.... 1.....

LESTAT: Ah, fresh meat! It's about time! If I had to to one more Make.Money.Fast spam I would have been forced to do something very extreme, very illegal and very likely to involve firearms, glue and chickens.

DANIEL: WHAT???

LOUIS: Daniel, I've learned that it's best not to ask him about such things. Trust me on this. Shall we start?

ARMAND: Let's.

On 2 May 1995, Mark Arnold wrote:

LESTAT: Absolutely nothing of interest. Sorry to have bothered you.

> My name is Mark Arnold.

DANIEL: And I'm addicted to stating the obvious.

> Since 1989

ARMAND: There has been 1990, 1991 and so on up until 1995.

LESTAT: Thank you, Mr. Wizard.

ARMAND: Hey, it's more intellectual than anything that he wrote in this post!

LESTAT: Sad, but true.

> my marketing and business career has

LOUIS: Gone absolutely nowhere. And my car broke down, and my bird died and I got this weird growth on my back and I can't seem to stop talking about myself. I never should have broken that chain letter!

> taken me behind the scenes

LESTAT: And beaten the living crap out of me.

> of hundreds of little-known businesses. And --

ARMAND: For some odd reason I honestly believe that other people care about hearing me talk about it.

> with the help of my network of "people who have done it"

DANIEL: Done what?

LOUIS: *It*.

DANIEL: Oh, *it*. Well, it's no wonder they were so helpful. After all, they did *it*.

LESTAT: I know these types of people. Trust me, not only have they not done *it* they are so far away from ever being able to do *it* that they wouldn't know *it* if *it* came up and did *it* on their ass.

ARMAND: So, we're talking about *it* then?

DANIEL, LESTAT AND LOUIS: [groan]

> -- I've uncovered

LESTAT: Ack! For the love of God put your clothes back on! I beg you!

> the well-kept secrets of how seemingly modest home enterprises

LOUIS: As opposed to the poorly-kept secrets of openly arrogant home enterprises.

> have been > bringing their operators astounding profits for years and years.

DANIEL: I thought there weren't any profits.

LOUIS: Shh! That's the secret.

> During all this time I've helped people in 13 countries get started in a > fascinating home business of their own.

ARMAND: I love countries with no labor laws! Now get back to work, Maria! I don't care if you're only 8, I want those wedding dresses done by tonight!

> (And I have boxes jammed with > thousands of nice "thank you" letters.)

LESTAT: Satan is just the model of good etiquette.

> You know, many people I've talked with over the years

LOUIS: Get this odd look on their face just before they run away screaming. I wonder why that is?

> who have ordered from > me have confessed that they've used my how-to manuals to start 2 or 3 > little businesses.

DANIEL: That's a sin?

LESTAT: Bless me father for I have used this man's how-to manuals.

LOUIS: I'm sorry, my child, but for that you must go straight to Hell.

> True.

ARMAND: No, false! Darn it, I always get those two confused!

> Not only have they increased their earnings > several times over, but they've also "hedged their bet."

LESTAT: They've also "used too many quotations" which often "annoys others" and makes them want to "hit me" and "take my life" or chop me into "little pieces" to put into a "blender" and hit "mince."

> Now that's a smart idea!

ALL: Where? Where?

LOUIS: Forget it guys, he's only toying with us.

> If, for some reason,

DANIEL: Anyone feels that this spam should not be wed to any newsgroup, speak now or forever hold your piece in the ready position with the safety off.

ARMAND: You've been watching your Dennis Miller! Good boy, Daniel!

> one business activity slows down a bit the other picks > up the slack.

LOUIS: Which causes the other activity to feel very resentful of the first business activity for being such a lazy slob who can never do anything right.

> See what I mean?

LESTAT: Everybody!

ALL: Nudge-nudge... SAY NO MORE!

> You really don't have to select just one

LOUIS: Ah, the "B" choice for the Lay's potato chip slogan.

> business. If several appeal to you... great.

DANIEL: If not... big whoop. See if I care.

> Go ahead and order all the > Start-Up Guides you want.

ARMAND: No, go ahead. Go on. Order your little Start-Up Guides. I'll just sit here in the cold, dark house, not eating while Mr. Big Shot Home Business goes off and spends money on his Start-Up Guides. Fine, go on. Don't let me stop you.

> Set them aside

LESTAT: As an example of why sniffing glue only leads to heartache.

> until you're making money with > one.

LOUIS: I notice he's not advising us to hold our breath in the meanwhile.

> Then put the next one to work. And so on.

DANIEL: After a while you'll notice that nothing happens. This is when you refer to chapter 10 of my manual "I've Already Cashed Your Check And Flown To Tahiti, Neener, Neener, Neener"

> The home-based business opportunities you'll discover in my catalog will > show you many new ways to earn a healthy, robust income.

ARMAND: With a strong, upward growth; firm, steady interest; hard dividends; sharp monetary peaks.... Whew! Is it getting hot in here?

> But, if you're > like most folks,

LESTAT: You stopped listening to me *long* ago.

> you don't have a lot of spare cash to invest in a > business.

LOUIS: That is clearly half-assed and created by a man who makes Forrest Gump look like Stephen Hawking.

> That's why I've singled out

DANIEL: That small percentage of you that are dumber than me.

> and exclusively produced the very > best breakthrough opportunities that you can easily start on a tight > budget.

LOUIS: All 0 of them.

> Without experience or special skills. At home. In your free > time.

LESTAT: Along with the. Complete use of. The rights to. Sentence fragments.

> Something else. All of my books, manuals and reports are 100% guaranteed, > for 30 days.

DANIEL: After which they self-destruct.

> You must be completely satisfied... or your money back.

ARMAND: This book must come in a very interesting shape if I'm going to be *completely* satisfied by it.

> Results-or-else. Period. No quibbling.

LOUIS: I mean it! Stop your quibbling RIGHT NOW Results-or-else or I'm going to turn this spam around and go home!

> So do yourself a favor.

LESTAT: Stop reading this trash and go out and enjoy the day. Go on, I won't tell anyone you were here.

> Discover how really easy... and fun... moneymaking > can be. I think you'll be very pleased.

DANIEL: Of course, I also thought that you'd find this post interesting so I'm not exactly good at making judgement calls like that.

> To receive our FREE catalog, send e-mail to marnold@idirect.com

ARMAND: Of course, this e-mail will provide written proof that you actually did this so think *very* carefully before you hit that send key.

> =======================================================

LESTAT: What the hell is that?

LOUIS: Apparently the spam got run over.

> Western Marketing Co. Voice: 416-769-0887 > 46 Edinborough Crt FAX: 416-769-0887

LESTAT: Thank God they cleared that up. I nearly sent a Fax to their voice number!

> Toronto, ONT M6N-2E8 E-Mail: marnold@idirect.com

ARMAND: For those of you playing at home, the judges would have also accepted "The Internet address for the dumbest man alive:" as well as "E-Mail:" as a catagory for the information above.

> We

LESTAT: "We?" I thought it was just Mark! Ok, who are we talking to now, Sybil?

> market hundreds of books at discount prices > with topics ranging from "Import-Export, Mail Order, > Health,Self-Help etc."

DANIEL: "Self-Help etc."?

LOUIS: Yes, it's where you'll find such interesting books as "I'm OK, You're Etc.", "The Joy of Etc." and "Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Etc."

> To receive our catalog, send a > request to marnold@idirect.com.

LESTAT: Insert your own joke about asking Mark to drop dead here.

LOUIS: Look out!

> =======================================================

ARMAND: That's the second time! These spams are getting dangerous, let's get out of here!