Home / Fan Fiction / V(cough) C(cough) fic / MST The Credit Firm

DISCLAIMER: The following stories are all non-profit, amateur efforts not intended to infringe on the rights of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, David Geffen, Warner Brothers, Geffen Pictures, Knopf, Randomhouse, the city of New Orleans, the U.S. Consititution, any copyright holders that I might not have thought of or even a certain author who shall remain nameless but who has a set of initials which are, coincidentally enough, just one letter off from spelling "B.S."

MST The Credit Firm
by: The Brat Queen

(Note: Due to their nature, the formatting of these is a little strange. Every line which begins with a > is something quoted from the original post. Depending on your monitor settings, those quoted lines may wrap together and leave multiple > marks on one line. Sorry about that.)

6..... 5.... 4..... 3..... 2..... 1....

LESTAT: Ok, Louis, now I've taught you how to read mail, how to subscribe to newsgroups...

ARMAND: How to finger...

LESTAT: Shut up and mind your own business! Now I'm going to teach you how to flame.

DANIEL: Isn't there a course on that at the Learning Annex?

LESTAT: I'm sure I don't know. Now, do you understand the process Louis?

LOUIS: I think so. What we have before us is called a "spam" and is highly looked down upon and therefore worthy of flame.

LESTAT: Correct.

LOUIS: Why to they call it a spam?

DANIEL: It's an old Monty Python gag.

LOUIS: I see. And what do you call someone who spams?

ARMAND: An annoying, dickless wonder.

DANIEL: What if they're female?

LESTAT: More's the pity.

ARMAND: Quiet, it's starting!

> Consumer Credit Advocates, PC > 11 Pennsylvania Plaza, Suite 2101 > New York, NY 10001 > (212) 629-5261 (telephone) (212) 629-4762 (fax) > E-MAIL: ccapc@cyber.sell.com

LESTAT: Not terribly bright of them to tell us where they work now is it? The next time I'm feeling peckish I could just go over there and wipe out the whole accounting department.

ARMAND: They'd bore you to death first.

> Our LAW FIRM

LOUIS: Why are they shouting?

DANIEL: You might as well ask why are they spamming.

LOUIS: Why *are* they spamming?

LESTAT: I'm guessing lack of a real hobby.

> offers direct guaranteed effective credit > restoration services by experienced attorneys.

DANIEL: Unlike those other places that offer guaranteed ineffective credit restoration by moronic attorneys.

> THIS IS NOT A DO-IT-YOURSELF KIT.

LESTAT: Oh darn. And here I was saying to myself "If only some idiot could offer me a do-it-yourself credit kit via e-mail."

> What can we do?

LOUIS: It occurs to me that if they have to ask *us* what their skills are perhaps they are not the best people for the job.

> We have successfully facilitated the removal of Late > Payments, Charge-offs, Foreclosures, Repossessions, > Collection Accounts, Loan Defaults, Tax Liens, Judgments > and Bankruptcies from our clients' credit reports.

DANIEL: It's amazing what a bottle of white-out can do.

> WE GUARANTEE THAT YOUR CREDIT CAN BE RESTORED!!!

ALL: *Stop* that!

> Who needs our services?

LOUIS: Again, if *they* have to ask...

> Anyone who has experienced the inconvenience and > embarrassment of being turned down for a credit card, a > lease or a purchase of an automobile.

LESTAT: Hey Armand, have you ever experienced the inconvenience and embarrassment of being turned down for a credit card, a lease or a purchase of an automobile? ARMAND: Oh all the time. It's amazing how having a few million tucked away makes banks unwilling to trust you.

LOUIS: It's good to know that they did their research and found the right target audience for this post.

> Anyone who is unable to buy the house of their dreams > due to denial of a mortgage application or who has to > pay thousands of dollars more in mortgage interest than > someone with good credit.

DANIEL: Should probably look elsewhere for good advice.

ARMAND: I think this would fall under the catagory of Social Darwinism. > Anyone who has been turned down for a job or promotion > due to derogatory credit items on a credit report.

LESTAT: What's a derogatory credit item?

ARMAND: Something like "You owe us $500 you stupid jerk."

LESTAT: Ah.

> Anyone in business who has lost a deal because a person > or firm wanted to see his/her credit report before > doing business.

LESTAT: Mojo did his business on the rug the other day yet I felt no need to check his credit report first.

LOUIS: I don't think that's what they meant, Lestat.

> Anyone who has been unable to establish credit.

DANIEL: Let's see... someone out there actually needs help from a spam and yet they've been unable to have a responsible financial career? Who would have thought? > THE FOUR GREAT MYTHS OF CREDIT:

ARMAND: #1.. This firm will help you.

LESTAT: I thought number one was the larch.

DANIEL: No, it's the bearded guy on Star Trek.

LOUIS: I think that covers the required subreferences for flames.

LESTAT: Indeed. > Myth #1: It is illegal or immoral to have your credit > report cleared.

LESTAT: It is?

LOUIS: Yes, the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not have thy credit report cleared.

DANIEL: Did they have credit reports back then?

LOUIS: Not really, but God was thinking ahead.

> Fact: It is not illegal nor immoral. In fact, > that is what the Fair Credit Reporting Act is all > about. The act was enacted by Congress in 1971.

ARMAND: And here I thought my tax dollars were going to waste.

LESTAT: You pay taxes?

ARMAND: Well no, but I was speaking in theory.

> One of its purposes as to give consumers the > protection of the law and to help guard against > any unwarranted invasion of a consumer's right to > privacy.

DANIEL: The other purpose involved this weird idea about animals and porno flicks. That's democracy for you. > Myth #2: The information on a credit report cannot be > changed.

LESTAT: Where are they getting these myths from anyway? I've never heard of them.

ARMAND: Gee, Lestat, are you trying to imply that this poster is making it up as they go along?

ALL: Nooooo...

> Fact: Actually, the opposite is true under the > Fair Credit Reporting Act. Federal and State laws > require that items be removed if they are not 100% > accurate or cannot be verified in a timely > manner.

LESTAT: I'm confused. Is it the opposite of the fact that's true under the Act or is the fact that it's the opposite of the myth which is the fact?

ARMAND: I think that the fact about the opposite of the myth is actually true provided that the myth of the fact is 100% accurate and/or you are verifying it in a timely manner and you are a joint couple filing singly.

LESTAT: Ok then.

> Myth #3: It is impossible to get a bankruptcy off a > credit report.

DANIEL: Now that *is* a myth. A little club soda does wonders for getting bankruptcy off credit reports *and* fine washables.

> Fact: Bankruptcies can come off credit reports > like any other derogatory item.

ARMAND: Which is to say, not at all if you use this firm.

> The nature of the derogatory item has nothing to do with its removal > under the Fair Credit Reporting Act.

ARMAND: Neither does the hiring of this firm, but I repeat myself.

LESTAT: Spam will do that to you.

DANIEL: Ewwww.

> Myth #4: Credit Reporting Agencies are empowered with > some kind of governmental authority.

LOUIS: Would it be overly cynical to ask if the *government* was empowered with some kind of governmental authority?

DANIEL: I think so.

LOUIS: Ok then, I won't mention it. > Fact: Absolutely Not!! They are simply large > corporations whose primary goal is to make a > profit like any other business.

LESTAT: Oh God, this isn't Make.Money.Fast again is it!?!

ARMAND: I don't think so. This doesn't look like it was posted by a high school freshman with far too much time on his hands.

ALL: Whew!

> If you have ever applied for or received credit, a file > exists in one or more of the credit bureaus.

ARMAND: Not necessarily a file about *you*, just a random file that exists.

LESTAT: Files? Is a credit bureau like the Talamasca?

DANIEL: No, credit bureaus are much older yet surprisingly infinately less interesting.

> These companies collect, store and distribute as much credit > information as they can find,

LESTAT: Which I'm sure makes their employees simply facinating to talk to at parties.

> retaining negative information on a credit report for 7 to 10 years.

DANIEL: [imitating a Midol commercial] My credit report feels so achy and bloated.

LESTAT: Well, once a month a credit report retains about 7 to 10 years worth of negative information.

DANIEL: Does this mean my credit report is becoming a woman now?

ARMAND: Oh be quiet!

> This information is evaluated by potential creditors to > determine your credit worthiness.

ALL: OUR CREDIT'S NOT WORTHY! OUR CREDIT'S NOT WORTHY!

> Credit reporting agencies are in business to protect > the interests of the creditors.

LESTAT: And because they failed out of a real law school.

LOUIS: That's not very nice.

LESTAT: Oh come on, Louis, they deserve it!

LOUIS: No, I meant your insult, I thought you could do better.

LESTAT: Sorry, all this drivel is making me tired. I'll try harder next time.

> the LAW FIRM's

LOUIS: *Again* with the shouting.

> goal is > to help and protect the individual consumer from > inaccurate credit reporting.

LESTAT: And to get back at all those frat guys who beat us up and stole our pocket protectors.

LOUIS: That's more like it. > The president of our LAW FIRM

DANIEL: Insert your own gratuitous Hair Club for Men joke here.

> has been practicing consumer law since 1984.

ARMAND: He's not very good at it, but he's practicing.

> The staff of our firm has > successfully processed, disputed and challenged > thousands of client credit reports.

LOUIS: I notice that they don't say that they *won*, only that they did the paperwork.

LESTAT: Well even *I* know about the laws of false advertising. > Our legal fee is based o the number of negative items

DANIEL: What is this, the 90s version of the Star Spangled Banner? o/~ O the number of negative items... o/~

ARMAND: Never, ever do that again or I may have to hurt you.

DANIEL: Promises, promises.

> that appear on a client's credit reports, issued b the

LOUIS: I don't know about you, but it's the companies with the spelling errors in their posts that really get my confidence going.

> three national credit bureaus. Our retainer agreement > offers a MONEY BACK GUARANTEE

DANIEL: Let's hear it for the caps lock key ladies and gentlemen!

LESTAT: God, it's like back in the 80s when everyone discovered how to change fonts on their word processors and they started creating the equivilant of computer ransom notes.

LOUIS: I was thinking that this was more like the first draft of that infinate number of monkeys and typewriters experiment.

> stating that if any negative item is not deleted, upgraded or corrected > from a client's credit file,

ARMAND: Tough luck sucker!

> it will give the client a > full refund for that item or continue to process the > client's file at no additional fee until that item is > corrected, upgraded or deleted.

LESTAT: Or until our firm goes out of business. No prize for guessing which will come first.

> THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO LOSE IS YOUR BAD CREDIT!!

DANIEL: And perhaps any once of pride you had left in your body so go for it folks!

LESTAT: They wouldn't dare keep this shouting up would they?

LOUIS: Yeah, and I was a virgin when you met me.

LESTAT: *What*?

LOUIS: We'll talk about it later.

> PLEASE

LOUIS: Told you.

> CONTACT THE

LESTAT: Nearest hitman you can find and send him to this

> LAW FIRM AND

ARMAND: Tell him to

> LEAVE

DANIEL: A trail of corpses behind him.

LOUIS: Sigh, dare to dream.

> YOUR FULL NAME, MAILING ADDRESS AND TELEPHONE NUMBER SO WE MAY FORWARD > FURTHER INFORMATION AND INSTRUCTIONS TO YOU ABOUT OUR > SERVICE.

LESTAT: Oh yeah, I've got nothing better to do with my time than to have you guys call me up five times a day to give me the same message.

LOUIS: Is that how many times they posted this?

DANIEL: I think they posted it at least three times on every newsgroup.

LOUIS: Which is roughly...?

ARMAND: Twelve times too many.

> Consumer Credit Advocates, PC > 11 Pennsylvania Plaza, Suite 2101 > New York, NY 10001 > (212) 629-5261 (telephone) (212) 629-4762 (fax)

LESTAT: Boy, they're really asking for it aren't they?

LOUIS: Well, it's that Social Darwinism again.

> E-MAIL: ccapc@cyber.sell.com

DANIEL: Look at that, their e-mail address.

LOUIS: So it is.

LESTAT: Yup, their e-mail address.

ARMAND: Uh-huh.

LOUIS: Not that we would *ever* suggest spamming them in return.

DANIEL: Or sending them a virus.

LESTAT: Or stealing all their records.

ARMAND: Or shutting down their system.

LOUIS: Nope.

DANIEL: Never.

LESTAT: Not in a million years.

ARMAND: Perish the thought.