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MST Safer Driving
DISCLAIMER: The following stories are all non-profit, amateur efforts not intended to infringe on the rights of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, David Geffen, Warner Brothers, Geffen Pictures, Knopf, Randomhouse, the city of New Orleans, the U.S. Consititution, any copyright holders that I might not have thought of or even a certain author who shall remain nameless but who has a set of initials which are, coincidentally enough, just one letter off from spelling "B.S."
MST Safer Driving
by: The Brat Queen
(Note: Due to their nature, the formatting of these is a little strange. Every line which begins
with a > is something quoted from the original post. Depending on your monitor settings, those
quoted lines may wrap together and leave multiple > marks on one line. Sorry about that.)
6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
DANIEL: Well, guys, what do you think?
LESTAT: I think it's going to hurt and hurt bad.
LOUIS: At least it's not Make.Money.Fast
ALL: Thank God for that.
ARMAND: Shall we?
LOUIS: Please.
>AUTO ACCIDENTS ARE THE NUMBER 1 KILLER
LESTAT: What?!? Alright, which one of us has been slacking off?
>OF CHILDREN AGES 15-20 IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
ARMAND: What's your point?
>Hi, my name is Richard Kim,
DANIEL: And I'm addicted to writing things in the possessive.
LESTAT: Daniel, what are you talking about?
DANIEL: Trust me, it'll be funny as we read on.
> And I am an 18 year old teenage driver and college student.
LOUIS: I'm suddenly seeing the words "Althletic scholarship"
>Like many teenage drivers out there I have accumulated a lot of points
>on my driving record. I know what it feels like to be kicked out of my
LESTAT: Job, my home, my school, my doctor's office, my Church, my family,
my small circle of friends and my
>insurance company. I know how terrible it feels to be in an accident.
LOUIS: You'd think the accident would show him how it feels to take
a hint.
>I know how a teenager with a new car feels when he/she is behind the
>wheel of an automobile.
DANIEL: Kind of soft and squishy with a few hard parts here and there.
LESTAT: I know how it feels to be arrested on molestation charges. I
know how it feels to be fingerprinted. I know how it feels
to drop the soap...
>Teenagers feel invincible and immortal.
ARMAND: Again, what's your point?
>They think like there is no tomorrow.
DANIEL: Especially if they're trying to walk and chew gum at the same
time.
LESTAT, LOUIS AND ARMAND: [silence]
DANIEL: 'C-Cause that would be hard for them so they'd have to *think*
like there was no tomorrow. You know, "Think like there's
no tomorrow!"
ARMAND: Sigh. Daniel, you realize that I'm going to have to hurt you.
DANIEL: It's about time you caught on.
>I have even lost a friend
LESTAT: The imaginary ones are so hard to keep track of.
>a few years back to an auto accident due to another teenager's
>negligience.
LOUIS: Daniel, is that what you were referring to earlier?
DANIEL: No, I'll let you know when it starts.
>Prevent your child from becoming a statistic.
LESTAT: You know, 80% of children hope to never become a statistic.
>Parents, if you stay at home worrying about how your child drives when
>their
LOUIS: Real problem is rampant drug abuse, something is definately wrong
with your parenting skills.
DANIEL: It's starting by the way. That was number one.
>out there on the highways of. Your not alone.
LESTAT: Ah yes, the beautiful highways of Your Not Alone. They run right
along the coastline of Yes You Are and heads straight into
the turnpike of So Go Away.
DANIEL: "Your", number two.
LOUIS: Lestat, don't you *dare* say a word!
LESTAT: Spoilsport.
>There are more than 20 million overly excited teen-drivers out there
ARMAND: Thanks to the new fall programming on Fox.
>and with new lower minimum driving ages in states like Virginia (15
>years old),
LOUIS: I'm quite sure Virginia is older than that.
LESTAT: Hey, what's a few centuries between friends?
>parents have every right to be concerned about their child's driving
>habits.
LESTAT: In fact, that right is written into the U.S. Constitution (8
years old).
>Nearly every one of us has encountered at one
>time or another the reckless behavior of teen-age drivers. We've all
>been cut off by them,
ARMAND: Of *course* we have, Rich. No one ever cut *you* off on
purpose.
>seen them speeding away at incredible speeds in
>cars with engines too powerful for even race car drivers to handle.
LOUIS: Of course the drivers can't handle them, that's why they put
the engines into the *car*, Silly.
>We've seen them drag race, run a stop light now and then and we've even
>come across a few young drivers that were driving around drunk.
LESTAT: *We've* been spending too much of our time spying on people,
haven't *We*?
>These wild and fun loving children are all somebody's kid's.
DANIEL: Three.
>They may very well be your children.
ARMAND: True, but I'd like to see you get the court order that proves it.
>Keep tabs on your children.
LOUIS: Or post-it notes if that's more handy.
>Don't let your children become a statistic.
LESTAT: If you see a statistician getting anywhere near your children,
shoot them on sight!
ARMAND: That's good advice for any situation. Just remember to aim
for the pocket protector.
>Use an idea that people have been using for years to keep truck
>drivers accountable for their bad driving habits.
LOUIS: Have the mafia take over their union?
>Attach a bumper sticker with the word's
DANIEL: Four.
>"HOW'S MY CHILD DRIVING?"* and
>your phone number on the bottom portion of the bumper sticker.
LESTAT: Uh-huh, and what exactly are we attaching this to?
LOUIS: The child, apparently.
LESTAT: I get it! So you put this ugly sticker onto your child's head
thus humiliating them and ruining their social life to the point
that they never leave the house again, thus not needing to use
your car and never getting into an accident! Pure genius!
LOUIS: Exactly. And the money you save on auto-insurance can be put
directly into your child's therapy fund. Assuming that they
didn't have one already.
>-----------------------------
>| HOW'S MY CHILD DRIVING? |
>| |
>| 1-800-####### |
>-----------------------------
LESTAT: We have nothing to say, the humor of this speaks for itself.
>Bumper stickers such as mine have helped to improve driving courtesy
>and habits for hundreds of truck driving organizations, taxi's
ALL: FIVE!
>and other businesses that use automobiles extensively.
LOUIS: Now you too can take advantage of the valuable information
provided by those who have nothing better to do with their
lives than to stop and make phone calls about other people's
driving.
>My vinyl bumpers stickers are only $5.95
>and they come with a money back guarantee.
ARMAND: Comforting to know that if my child is horribly disfigured in
a car crash, I'll recover my investment of $5.95
>I offer reflective lettering (for use during the night) = $7.95
>and even glow in the dark lettering (sorry limited supply)
LESTAT: I lost the Y and the K
>=$8.95
>*I WILL ALSO BE OFFERING A 1-800 NUMBER SERVICE TO KEEP HOME TELEPHONE
LOUIS: Shh! Do you *mind*? The neighbors are complaining!
>NUMBERS PRIVATE. COMPLAINTS CAN BE REGISTERED VIA THIS ANSWERING
>SERVICE
LOUIS: Thank you, I'll be sure to tell them.
>WHERE THE MESSAGE WILL BE FORWARDED TO THE HOMES OF INDIVIDUALS
>FOR A SERVICE
>AND PHONE FEE OF $5.00 PER MONTH. PLEASE TELL ME IF YOU WOULD LIKE THIS
>SERVICE. A 1-800 number has yet to be selected.
DANIEL: Thus rendering that entire paragraph null and void. Sorry
about that.
> Please allow up to 4 weeks for delivery.
LOUIS: Please call and cancel if your child gets into an accident in
the meantime.
>There is a Shipping and handling fee of 95 cents per bumper sticker.
LESTAT: Business-sized envelopes are so expensive nowadays.
>If you would like to pay by credit card;
ARMAND: You probably should never have been issued one in the first place.
> 1.Please write down the type of credit card (We accept only Visa
> and Mastercard.)
DANIEL: Because Richard Kim will spam the internet in order to take
in a fast buck, but he won't take American Express.
> 2.The credit card number.
> 3.The expiration date.
LESTAT: Just a random thought here, but I wonder how many people will
publically reply to this post and put in their credit card
information?
ARMAND: Not that you're suggesting a really good practical joke to
play on someone.
LESTAT: Me? Never!
> 4.Your name, address and phone number (The Phone number that you
> would like placed on your bumper sticker only please.)
DANIEL: Do non-exisiting 1-800 numbers count?
>*And e-mail me at rickykim@wam.umd.edu
LESTAT: Because I'm so lonely! Won't someone please talk to me? Anyone?
>Please feel free to add any additional comments.
LOUIS: I think we've said enough, but thanks anyway.
LESTAT: Bye!
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