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DISCLAIMER: The following stories are all non-profit, amateur efforts not intended to infringe on the rights of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, David Geffen, Warner Brothers, Geffen Pictures, Knopf, Randomhouse, the city of New Orleans, the U.S. Consititution, any copyright holders that I might not have thought of or even a certain author who shall remain nameless but who has a set of initials which are, coincidentally enough, just one letter off from spelling "B.S."

MST Email Spamming
by: The Brat Queen

(Note: Due to their nature, the formatting of these is a little strange. Every line which begins with a > is something quoted from the original post. Depending on your monitor settings, those quoted lines may wrap together and leave multiple > marks on one line. Sorry about that.)

6.... 5.... 4.... 3.... 2.... 1....

ARMAND: Lestat, stop complaining.

LESTAT: Is *one* little vacation too much to ask for?

ARMAND: You were gone for nearly a year! What on *earth* were you doing all that time?

LOUIS: [coughs politely]

ARMAND: [sighs] Forget I asked.

DANIEL: Actually, I'd be interested in--

ARMAND: FORGET I asked.

DANIEL: Spoilsport.

LESTAT: Gentlemen, *can* we get on with this?

ARMAND: By all means. Here...

> On Sat, 20 Apr 1996, E-Mail Advertiser

DANIEL: Annoyer of the innocent

> wrote:

LESTAT: And has regretted it ever since.

> ** SEE OUR ADVERTISEMENT IN THE MAY ISSUE OF ONLINE ACCESS MAGAZINE **

LOUIS: They're advertising an advertisement?

DANIEL: How avant garde!

ARMAND: Daniel, I've warned you about quoting that movie before.

> Forget about advertising on a web site that nobody reads.

LESTAT: What? And give up my lifelong dream of being an underachiever?

> When was the last time that you, personally,

DANIEL: As opposed to...?

LOUIS: "you, generally"?

> went to a web site just to read > ADVERTISEMENTS?

LESTAT: Roughly around the same time that I, personally, went to this newgroup just to read advertisements. Get the hint?

> Cant remember? Itsprobably because you, like many people,

DANIEL: Were drunk out of your mind at the time.

> have never done it.

ARMAND: Let's stop projecting our own inabilities onto others, shall we?

> But how do you reach HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of people on the internet > with your advertisement?

LOUIS: Apparently by spamming their newsgroups as you did.

> E-Mail Advertiser has the clear, proven answer.

DANIEL: "42"?

LOUIS: "False"?

ARMAND: "World War II"?

LESTAT: "D. All of the above"?

> BULK E-MAIL

LESTAT: You know, of all the answers in the world they could have picked, *this* is the one I would have least suspected.

> Sending bulk e-mail is one of the most effective, profitable forms of > advertising.

LOUIS: Provided, of course, that you only compute numbers at their absolute value.

> Why?

DANIEL: Yes, dear God, *WHY*???

> RESULTS.

ARMAND: Are extremely overrated. No, really. Failure is a *good* thing.

> Up to an 18% response rate.

LESTAT: Strangely enough, all of the subject headings rhymed with "duck shoe" but I'm sure that's just a coincidence.

> WOW.

DANIEL: Yes. I. Am. Just. So. Enthused.

> But why is it so effective?

ARMAND: The phrase "one born every minute" comes to mind.

> Because the advertisement waits in the recipient's mailox

LOUIS: Not unlike mildew.

> until it is read and discarded.

LESTAT: Not necessarily in that order.

> There are no wasted messages.

ARMAND: This must be the exception which proves the rule.

> Your advertisement WILL be read.

LESTAT: Only by *you* of course, but still, it'll be read.

> This is the beauty of bulk e-mail advertising.

DANIEL: Then I'd hate to see the kind with a really nice personality.

> Its cost-effective, its fast,

LOUIS: Can anyone *really* own the intangible qualities of cost-effectiveness and speed?

> and it provides results.

ARMAND: Not *good* results, but results.

> Now wouldnt you like to become a part of this growing advertising trend?

LESTAT: What trend?

LOUIS: The one to give up the use of apostrophes.

> With a FRESH bulk e-mail address list

DANIEL: As opposed to a STALE bulk e-mail address list which just gets all soggy and really doesn't taste the same.

> from E-Mail Advertiser, you can

LESTAT: Pave your own path to Hell when you..

> advertise to HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of people on the internet. > > ** SEE OUR ADVERTISEMENT IN THE MAY ISSUE OF ONLINE ACCESS MAGAZINE **

DANIEL: Oh no! It's starting over!!

> After receiving your order, E-Mail Advertiser will

ARMAND: Laugh all the way to the bank.

> send to you a FRESH

DANIEL: Picked right off the tree.

> bulk e-mail address list in ASCII text format on IBM disks.

LESTAT: Watch how I use technical words to make you think I acutally know what I'm talking about!

> Import these addresses into your e-mail address book,

ARMAND: Since it's a sure bet that you have no friends, I'm pretty sure you'll have more than enough room for hundreds of thousands of e-mail addresses.

> and get on-line with an internet provider or an on-line service that has > access to the internet.

LOUIS: Wait.. wouldn't they have to have done this already in order to see this ad in the first place? I'm confused.

LESTAT: So's he.

> Youre

LOUIS: Again with the apostrophe problem.

> now ready to e-mail your advertisement to HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of people.

ARMAND: All of whom are also ready to beat the crap out of you.

> Its

LOUIS: [sighs and puts his head in his hands]

LESTAT: [pats Louis on the back] It's alright, love. We're nearly done.

> THAT EASY.

DANIEL: The caps lock key: your friend, your enemy.

> And dont

LESTAT: [hugs Louis tighter]

> forget the best part about a bulk e-mail list from E-Mail Advertiser:

DANIEL: The look of horror on people's faces when you use it?

> Use it as many times as you want.

ARMAND: Bearing in mind that this is a good way to go blind.

> Other companies

LESTAT: Work. But we digress.

> will charge you a competitive price

LOUIS: Must everything be about winning? Whatever happened to being a price just for the fun of it?

> to send out your advertisement ONLY ONCE!

ARMAND: Of course, it's not their fault that it only takes one ad for you to get your account revoked.

> With your own personal list, you can send your advertisement out as > many times as you want for ONLY $39.

LOUIS: $39? Why not round up and make it $40?

LESTAT: You save the other dollar to use on a Make Money Fast scheme which you then send out on the personal mailing list and thus the circle of abuse on the net continues.

> Are you convinced yet?

DANIEL: Of what?

ARMAND: His insanity.

DANIEL: Oh. In that case, yes.

> Order your bulk e-mail list TODAY.

LESTAT: Thanks but I'll be busy washing my hair.

> ** SEE OUR ADVERTISEMENT IN THE MAY ISSUE OF ONLINE ACCESS MAGAZINE **

ARMAND: Isn't it enough that we had to read *this* bit of tripe?

> *SPECIAL OFFER FROM E-MAIL ADVERTISER: > *ORDER YOUR LIST BY APRIL 30, 1996 AND RECEIVE AN ADDITIONAL > *10,000 E-MAIL ADDRESSES FREE AS AN EXTRA BONUS

LOUIS: "Extra bonus"? What's the original bonus?

LESTAT: Maybe it's the chance to do him physical harm.

> Also available from E-Mail Advertiser: Custom, targeted lists for only > a penny an address.

DANIEL: Wait a minute, I know this! You get 11 addresses for a penny then you have the option to buy a new address each month at the regular store price. I guess Columbia House is branching out.

> Reply for more information on targeted lists.

LESTAT: Thanks but you've already told us more than we ever wanted to know.

> PRODUCT PRICE > 200,000 FRESH E-Mail Addresses in ASCII text $39.00 > 300,000 FRESH E-Mail Addresses in ASCII text $59.00 > Custom Lists Penny an address

ARMAND: Product - a life. Price - apparently more than you can afford.

> Send your name, delivery address, telephone number and e-mail address, > along with the a check or money order to:*

LESTAT: The nearest mental care facility.

> E-Mail Advertiser > P.O. Box 112 > Albertson, NY 11507

LESTAT: Or that could work too, I suppose.

> A receipt of your order will be sent to you along with the disks.

LOUIS: And our deepest sympathies for your friends and family.

> NY Residents: Please add an additional 8.5% for sales tax

DANIEL: Because we don't like you.

> *For an additional $6.00, E-Mail Advertiser will

ARMAND: Dance naked for you.

> rush your order

LESTAT: He'll even use stamps.

> and send out your list the next business day via Priority Mail > (Certified Check and money orders ONLY!).

DANIEL: Those of you with credit cards can go to Hell.

> All other orders will be

LESTAT: Thrown out.

> shipped within 5 business days. Personal checks will be held

ARMAND: Fondled and generally pawed at

> for 5 business days. HINT:

LOUIS: "My birthday is in a few months"?

DANIEL: "A dash of garlic spices up any salad"?

> Do not request priority mail if you are sending a personal check,

LESTAT: Because those of you with checks are not worthy.

> as your order will be held for five > business days anyway.

ARMAND: I basically do as I damn well please with your money so deal with it, ok?

> ** SEE OUR ADVERTISEMENT IN THE MAY ISSUE OF ONLINE ACCESS MAGAZINE > **

DANIEL: Not *again*!

LESTAT: That's it, we're out of here. Louis, it's vacation time again!