LESTAT: You wouldn't!
LOUIS: [nods]
LESTAT: With the...?
LOUIS: [nods]
LESTAT: I thought it broke the last time we tried.
LOUIS: All the more reason why we should try again, don't you think?
LESTAT: [gulps, visibly shaken] Ok, ok. But let's get this over with
quickly! The stores will be closed soon and I'm *not* waiting until
tomorrow night for you to fulfill your promise.
LOUIS: Of course. You can let the post start now, Armand.
ARMAND: It's about time.
> Dear Friend:
DANIEL: We are gathered here today to witness the bonds of matrimony...
oh wait, wrong beginning. Sorry.
> My name is Dave Rhodes.
LESTAT: And I'm a spamaholic.
> In September 1988 my car was repossessed
ARMAND: Which should teach him the lesson of using cheap exorcists.
> and the bill collectors were hounding me like you wouldn't believe.
LOUIS: I'm afraid I don't believe it. I can't believe people would want
to be around him, even if money was involved.
> I was laid
LESTAT: Now that I *really* don't believe.
> off and my unemployment checks had run out.
LOUIS: Which only further proves my point. Even inatimate objects don't
want to be around this man.
> The only escape I had from the pressures of failure
DANIEL: "The pressures of failure"? *What* pressures? You've failed
and you're done! How can someone fail at failure?
ARMAND: I'm sure he's found the way.
> was my computer and my modem.
LESTAT: But even they became sick of my whining and left me too. I'm
going to die alone, aren't I?
> I longed to turn my advocation into my vocation.
LOUIS: A religion of failure? Well, I *guess* stranger things have
happened...
> In January 1989 my family and I went on a ten day cruise to the tropics.
DANIEL: Oh sure. *He* comes back while we can't get Gilligan off the TV
even if it kills us.
> I bought a brand new Lincoln Town Car with CASH in February 1989.
LESTAT: They made me give it BACK for lack of a complete PAYMENT and
when I didn't they hauled my butt to JAIL where I underwent psychiatric
TREATMENT and became another prisoner's WOMAN which made me need more
TREATMENT but I'm feeling MUCH better NOW.
> I am currently building a new home on the west coast of Florida,
LOUIS: Or was that the west side alley next to Flo's deli? Either way,
it's made out of cardboard and it's really sturdy, you should see it!
> with a private pool,
ARMAND: Which is so private that my family won't even let *me* use it!
I'm not allowed within 100 yards of it. Actually, I'm not allowed
within 100 yards of my family either. Hey, wait a minute!
> boat slip,
LESTAT: Which goes absolutely FABULOUS with my chiffon dress.
> an a beautiful view of the bay
LOUIS: Look out, he's starting to slur his words. Next he'll start
saying how much he loves us. [sigh] I hate drunks.
> from my breakfast room table and patio.
DANIEL: New from Ron Popeil! It's a breakfast table, it's a patio, it's
a steak knife and so much more!
> I will never have to work again.
LESTAT: Of course, I would have had to have worked *before* to say I'll
never work *again* but you get my point.
> Today I am RICH!
DANIEL: I thought he said his name was Dave?
ARMAND: Daniel, these consistant bad puns of yours are truly threatening
our relationship. Stop it, right now!
> I have earned over $400,000.00 (Four Hundred Thousand Dollars)
LESTAT: Thank you, Translation Boy. I thought it might be the *other*
kind of $400,000.00. You know, the one that means "Zero Hundred
Thousand Dollars"
LOUIS: It is, which is sadly the point.
> to date
DANIEL: Just what kind of a date *is* $400,000.00?
ARMAND: Better than Dave here will ever get.
> and will become a millionaire within 4 or 5 months.
LESTAT: After that, I'm going to be an astronaut! Then a cowboy, then a
piece of fruit! Really I am!
> Anyone can do the same.
DANIEL: Provided that they're a raving loon like me, and even then not
really.
> This money making program works perfectly every time, 100% of the time.
ARMAND: The emphasis, of course, being on those two zeros. But hey, two out
of three ain't bad!
> I have NEVER failed to earn $50,000.00 or more whenever I wanted.
LOUIS: Except for the times that I've tried this particular scheme.
> Best of all, you never have to leave home except to go to your mailbox
> or post office.
LESTAT: Unless your home *is* your mailbox or post office, in which case
you've got bigger problems than even I can deal with.
> In October 1988,
DANIEL: Far more interesting things happened then what you're about to read.
> I received a letter in the mail telling me how I could
> earn $50,000.00 or more whenever I wanted.
ARMAND: Provided I killed myself right then and there. Sadly, I
couldn't read so society felt a great loss.
> I was naturally very skeptical
DANIEL: Having been born when a Democrat was president.
> and threw the letter on the desk next to my computer. It's funny though,
> when you are desparate, backed into a corner, your mind does crazy things.
LESTAT: Like in 'Nam when the VC had me backed into a wall. But I
wasn't going to let them get to me. No. I was better than them.
I--wait! The choppers are coming! LOOK OUT! OH NO! JOHNNY NOOOO!
.... Um, where was I?
> I spent a frustrating day looking through the want ads for a job with a
> future.
LOUIS: Let's see: crash test dummy, human guinea pig, republican...
I'm beginning to see his point.
> The pickings were sparse at best.
ARMAND: You just can't find good jobs for people like Dave anymore. Not
since they closed the freak shows.
> That night I tried to unwind by booting up my computer
DANIEL: Is that anything like the 'harddrive handshake'?
ALL: Ewwww...
> and calling several bulletin boards.
LESTAT: You know. alt.moron, alt.leave.us.alone, alt.go.away.dave.we.mean.it
alt.no.really.we.are.calling.the.cops
> I read several of the messages posted and then glanced at the letter
> laying next to the computer.
DANIEL: Then it occured to me! They had something in common! Those funny
little pictures were words!
> All at once it became clear to me.
ARMAND: I *am* a clueless idiot who doesn't deserve to live! Why didn't I
see it before?
> I now had the key to my dreams.
LOUIS: Too bad my dreams, like everyone else who knows me, had changed
the locks.
> I realized that with the power of the computer I could expand and enhance
> this money making formula into the most unbelievable cash flow generator
> that has ever been created.
LESTAT: I don't know about that. I find zero cash flow to be quite
believeable as far as this scheme goes.
> I substituted the computer bulletin boards in
> place of the post office and electronically did by computer what others
> were doing by mail.
LESTAT, LOUIS AND DANIEL: Armand, *don't* say it!
ARMAND: Please, can't you get your minds out of the gutter for once?
DANIEL: Let's just say we know you too well.
> Now only a few letters are mailed manually. Most of
> the hard work is speedily downloaded to other bulletin boards throughout
> the world.
LESTAT: And circulated throughout offices and universities as part of
their 'See? There are people dumber than you.' campaigns.
> If you believe that someday you deserve that lucky break that
> you have waited for all of your life,
LOUIS: Then you really are living in a life of denial now, aren't you?
> simply follow the easy instructions
> below. Your dreams WILL come true.
ARMAND: Provided your dreams are for you to be exactly as you are now,
only more foolish looking.
> Sincerely yours,
>
> Dave Rhodes
LESTAT: Let me at him!
LOUIS: Lestat, no! It's just a name! It's not the actual man!
LESTAT: Damn. Well, he'd better consider himself warned.
> ******************
> ** INSTRUCTIONS **
> ******************
DANIEL: 1. Grab a clue 2. Use it 3. Repeat as necessary
ARMAND: Save your breath, they'll never listen.
> Follow these instructions EXACTLY,
LOUIS: Except for when we tell you to make stuff up.
> and in 20 to 60 days you will have
> received well over $50,000.00 cash, all yours.
LESTAT: So I'm supposed to mail myself my own money? What's the point
of that?
> This program has remained
ARMAND: Much to our general annoyance since we can't seem to make it go
away.
> successful because of the HONESTY and integrety of the participants.
DANIEL: And, more importantly, despite the lying sliminess of the people who
perpetuate it.
> Please continue its success by CAREFULLY ADHERING to the instructions.
LOUIS: But don't worry about it too much, if you slip up and fail,
you'll get the same result as if you followed through exactly.
> Welcome to the world of Mail Order!
LESTAT: Pretty dull huh? Well get used to it!
> This little business is somewhat different than most mail order houses.
ARMAND: In that the other places work, are legal and make money.
> Your product is not solid and tangible, but rather a service.
LOUIS: Than what? Rather a service than what?
LESTAT: Than having to read the rest of this or actually meet Dave.
> You are in the business of developing Mailing Lists.
DANIEL: Which means that your parents where right when they said you'd never
amount to much.
> Many large corporations are happy to pay big bucks for quality lists.
LOUIS: Not that we could actually *name* them, but given infinity,
anything's possible.
> (The money made from the mailing lists is secondary to the income which is
> made from people like yourself requesting that they be included in that
> list.)
LESTAT: My math skills may be poor, but I'm still pretty sure that
there's no number secondary to 0.
LOUIS: Ah, I believe I'm going to have to call a time out here. Am I
the only one who's noticed that the instructions and the first
testimonial are exactly word for word what we destroyed in our
last flame?
DANIEL: Yeah, I noticed that too.
LOUIS: Might I suggest that we just skip over them in that case? We've
already had to deal with them and I shudder to think what will
happen if we make Lestat sit through this twice. Should anyone
ask, we could just show them a copy of our last flame. Agreed?
ALL: Agreed.
LESTAT: Allow me [takes out a huge knife and begins slicing through the
instructions and testimonial]
DANIEL: Wait! The names are different! We have to say something
about them!
ARMAND: You know, I heard that someone actually took the time to look up
these people and find out if they were real. They weren't of course.
LOUIS: This bit of trivia was included as a reminder that we should all
take our prescription medication.
> 1. Danny Wood 1122 Coach Road
> Papillion, NE 68046
LESTAT: Starring in 'Jurassic Pork' and formerly of 'On Golden Blonde'
> 2. Marc Sakellarios 11 Jensen St.
> Nashua NH 03062
LOUIS: The cheaper version of 'Mark Gibson Productions'
> 3. Trevor Wozny Box.20, Grp 343, RR3
> Selkirk, Manitoba
> Canada, R1A 2A8
DANIEL: You know, I'm starting to feel a little wozny.
ARMAND: Here, put your head between your legs.
LOUIS: Lestat, don't you dare say a word!
> 4. Rex Storey 380 Flora Ave.
> Winnipeg, Manitoba
> Canada, R2W-2R5
ARMAND: Well, once upon a time there was a little rex...
DANIEL: And you say *my* puns are bad!
> 5. Lenny Melo 23 Nikki Lane
> Winnipeg, Manitoba
> Canada, R2P 2K1
LESTAT: I think I have that on an old album from the '60s. o/~ They call
it Lenny Melo...o/~
> 6. Randall Harder 77 Niagara St.
> Winnipeg, Manitoba
> Canada, R3N OT8
LOUIS: Starring with Danny Wood in "The Empire Strikes Butt"
> 7. Marty Favoro 16941 Kirk view Dr.
> Haciena Heights, CA. 91745
DANIEL: Starring as the token ethnic person with:
> 8. Colin Hanrahan 127 Cottage Grove Avenue SE
> Cedar Rapids, Iowa 52403
> USA
DANIEL: ...as the gruf but caring alcoholic policeman.
> 9. B.J. Dweck 9 Normandy Lane
> Scarsdale, New York 10583
> USA
ARMAND: You know, my flogger makes that sound when it's wet. Dweck! Dweck!
LESTAT: That's more about you than I ever needed to know.
> 10. R. Worman 1124 Highland St
> Columbus, OH 43201
> USA
LESTAT: Ok, the names are done. Can I get back to slicing now?
LOUIS: Slice away!
LESTAT: [taking out his knife and cutting] Haha! Alright, we're up to
the fresh meat. Let 'er rip!
> *****************
> for the skeptics:
DANIEL: Run! Run away as fast as you can!
> This is a variation on what's known as the "pyramid" get-rich-quick scheme,
ARMAND: Or as the "stupid" waste-of-time.
> and the original form of this system is illegal in many states.
LOUIS: You'd think we'd take the hint but noooooo....
> The twist in this is that there is a service involved here
LESTAT: We're not really sure who'd want it, but still, it's a twist.
> (the distribution of mailing
> lists), and so it doesn't fall under the legal qualifications aimed at the
> classic pyramid system.
LOUIS: Just as this poster does not fall under the legal qualifications of
being insane, but why split hairs?
> I verified this myself by looking up the Lottery
> Laws cited above. So rest assured, it's legal according to federal law.
LESTAT: Oh well, if *you* say so it *must* be true.
ARMAND: Lestat, please, you're dripping sarcasm all over me.
LESTAT: Sorry, couldn't help it.
> To be honest,
LOUIS: This will make a refreshing change.
> I haven't gotten any results yet,
DANIEL: But I'm sure I'll pass. Then again, how does one study for a urine
test anyway?
> but I only mailed out my 5 letters today
LESTAT: And they were all to myself. It should still work though, after all
it's guaranteed by *the* Dave Rhodes!
> - it was mighty tempting, I'm mighty broke,
LOUIS: Superlatives. They can be your friend, or they can be your
enemy. Learn from this shocking example!
> and it IS legal. At the worst, I'm only out $5, right? right.
DANIEL: Oh wow, I'm having Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer flashbacks.
ARMAND: What?
DANIEL: Sorry, had to include something for the Troise siblings to get a
nostalgic laugh out of.
> The real key is continued participation.
LOUIS: In a state-approved psychiatric foundation. This shall do
nothing for you.
> So give it a shot
LESTAT: Hey, if you give me the gun and the bullets, I'd be more than happy
to.
> if you have $5 you're willing to risk, that's what I say.
ARMAND: No, you said a lot more than that which is why we have to kill you
now.
> No flames please,
DANIEL: It's a little late for that!
> Rob Worman
LESTAT: That's it, I'm out of here! Louis, I expect to see you in 15
minutes and you'd *better* be ready to fulfill that promise.
LOUIS: [mock sigh] If I must...
