We'd better.
>From: MoneyMaker (MoneyMaker)
DANIEL: To: ShakeYour (ShakeYour)
>$$$ FOR YOUR RECIPES $$$
LESTAT: I wasn't aware my recipes were in debt.
>Please do NOT change anything contained in this letter EXCEPT as directed!
ARMAND: Spams: use only as directed.
DANIEL: See your doctor if annoying buzzing sound persists.
>EARN AS MUCH AS $100,000.00 OR MORE IN 30 DAYS, LEGALLY!
LOUIS: Speaking of annoying buzzing sounds.
>EARN MORE THAN EXTRA MONEY!!
LESTAT: Nothing like having a little extra extra money around.
DANIEL: Read all about it.
ARMAND: Daniel, I've warned you about the puns before.
DANIEL: Sorry.
>YOU WILL BECOME FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT!!
LESTAT: Independent means they don't need us, right?
LOUIS: Right.
LESTAT: So why can't I just write a check and make it go away?
LOUIS: [sighs] If only it were that easy.
>Here's how to do it.
ALL: Take a step to the right...
>IT WORKS EVERY TIME!
DANIEL: I thought that was Colt 45.
>Again don't change anything.
LOUIS: It's a very insecure spam, isn't it?
LESTAT: J-just don't change anything ok? Just leave it alone! Awh,
c'mon! You promised!
>Follow these instructions exactly and you could make $100,000
>in the next 30 days.
DANIEL: Or you could make an attractive dinette set. I really didn't
double check to see what file I was uploading.
> This program REALLY works. It makes money
ARMAND: It does the dishes, it stays up and cuddles after sex. What
more can you ask for?
>for those who do it honestly!
LESTAT: Those who do it dishonestly can rot in Hell as far as we're
concerned.
>Take the time to read it COMPLETELY!
LOUIS: Move your lips if necessary.
>I know, ordinarily, we disregard these letters because they usually don't
>work like they're supposed to, but this ONE is DIFFERENT!
LESTAT: I'm a changed spam, baby! Take me back, please! It won't be
like before!
>Carl Simmonds used this legal program last year and made $82,360 in cash
>the first time he used it.
DANIEL: Whoa, whoa, whoa. First they tell us we can get a hundred
thousand in a month and *now* they tell us it took this shmo a
year to earn 82?
ARMAND: The fact that a spam lies is surprising to you?
DANIEL: No, I just thought I'd repeat it for the benefit of those who
just joined in.
>Needless to say,
LOUIS: This whole post is needless to say. However I still don't see
them shutting up.
>he quit his job immediately
>paid off all debts in full, and started another mailing.
ARMAND: Sadly, Carl spent all his money paying off his debts and didn't
have anything left to buy stamps! Isn't that a hoot? But we
digress.
>Believe me, this is an EASY opportunity.
LESTAT: Just give it a glass of wine, put a little Sinatra on the
CD player and you'll be making money all over the place. *If*
you know what I mean.
>You can do this all on your computer,
>by "JUST PRESSING A FEW BUTTONS".
DANIEL: And those buttons are apparently the caps lock and the quotes
key.
>You will EASE YOUR FINANCIAL PRESSURES,
ARMAND: Oh yeah, just a little lower, ahh, that's the spot. I love it
when you touch my financial pressures.
>and begin to make GOOD things happen for you and your family.
LESTAT: Unlike the crap you've been bringing them in the past.
>READ ON!
ARMAND: I'm not at all surprised that this man can only read by flicking
the appropriate switch.
>* * * * * * * INSTRUCTIONS * * * * * * *
>1. Send $2.00 (cash only)
DANIEL: You know, I'm amazed that it took this long for someone to
change the initial amount of money.
LESTAT: What? The *honest* members of MMF cheat? Never!
>inside a sheet of carbon paper or construction
>paper, and send a self-addressed, stamped envelope
LOUIS: I notice that at no time do they tell us to put the money *into*
the envelope. I'd correct that for them but they *did* ask us
not to change anything. Oh well.
>to each of the DEALERS
ARMAND: You know the war on drugs has gone horribly wrong when even
spams aren't safe.
LESTAT: You have to admit, though, that the presense of drugs in spams
does answer a lot of questions.
ARMAND: Yes, like "Why?"
>(1 through 4) below for the recipes they offer.
DANIEL: Recipies from dealers? Does anyone really need that many
variations on brownies?
>2 Save this letter on disk. Remove the name, and recipe title that
>is in the number 1 position.
LESTAT: Ok, I got rid of "Purple Hazelnut Surprise" what's next?
LOUIS: "Can't Say No Nutmeg"?
>Move the others up a space.
DANIEL: [with an Irish brogue] Ok, move it along folks. Nothing to
see here. Move it along.
>Put your name, address, and the name of your recipe
LESTAT: Into the witness protection program and maybe, just maybe you
won't get hurt.
>in the number 4 position.
DANIEL: Returning champ Michael Jordon!!!
ALL: [cheers]
>3 Post this file just as it appears (with your name, etc.) in 10
>different
LOUIS: As opposed to 10 exactly the same.
>places on-line (newsgroups, forums, etc.). Do the postings between 6 a.m.
>and 7 a.m. Friday, Saturday or Sunday
ARMAND: And under the light of a full moon while reciting "Owa Tagu Siam"
over and over until your impotence goes away.
>to get the highest position and have your posting read first.
LESTAT: Because, as we all know, it's the *time* the spam is posted
that makes people ignore it. Really.
>Ten postings should yield about 100 responses,
LOUIS: Unless there's an early frost in which case you're looking at
maybe only one or two.
>which should then yield about $100,000.
LESTAT: Which should then turn into puppies and fly away because you
are, after all, just dreaming.
>4 **When the money begins coming to your HOME MAILBOX,
ARMAND: Or after you've stolen it out of your NEIGHBOR'S MAILBOX
DANIEL: You remember your neighbor, the one who actually *has* a job?
>put your recipe in the provided SELF-ADDRESSED, STAMPED ENVELOPE
LOUIS: Again, note that at no time are they telling you to mail it.
> - sit back, smile, and know that you
LESTAT: Have finally proven to the world what a putz you are.
>NOW OWN AN HONEST AND EASY SMALL HOME-OPERATED BUSINESS! KNOW ALSO, THAT
>YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING SMART TO ACHIEVE FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE!
DANIEL: Know also that continued unnecessary shouting is the first
sign of insanity. Go on, keep this up. I dare you.
>* * * * * LOOK AT THESE FIGURES WITH ONLY A 15% RESPONSE! * * * * *
LESTAT: A spam with math problems? I am in Hell.
ARMAND: Who knew that Hell would be so annoying?
>Step 1:
LOUIS: Is admitting the problem. Spaming is an addiction!
>Fifteen dealers mail at least 15 letters each with your name in
>position #3 AND send you a request for a recipe and $2 each or $30.
DANIEL: Ok now is the correct answer A) This is a waste of time.
B) This guy's making it up as he goes along. Or C) Hey, why is
my name in the #3 position if they told me to put it in #4???
LESTAT: No prize for guessing D) All of the above.
>Step 2: Two hundred and twenty five (225) dealers mail at least 15
>letters
LOUIS: It's nice to see a community of 225 coming together to work
on a project like only sending out 15 letters between them all.
>with your name in position #2
ARMAND: It's a long shot, but I'm guessing the phrase "#2" has often
been used to discribe this man's life.
>AND send you a request for a recipe and $2 each
>or $450.
LESTAT: My math skills may be poor, but I'm pretty sure that 15 times
2 equals 30 no matter how many people you start with.
>Step 3: Three thousand three hundred and seventy five (3,375) dealers
ARMAND: Is the first line of a really good dirty limerick. But I
digress again.
>mail at least 15 letters with your name in position #1 AND send you a
>request for a recipe
DANIEL: Because it's always about *their* needs.
>and $2 each or $6750.
LESTAT: Want to check that math again?
LOUIS: Yes, 15 times 2 is still 30.
>Step 4: Fifty thousand six hundred and twenty five (50,625) dealers send
>you
ARMAND: Their love and affection. Would it kill you to give them a
call once in a while?
>a request for a recipe and $2 each or $101,250.
>TOTAL CASH RECEIVED (15% RESPONSE) $108,480.00
DANIEL: I thought he said that they sent $101,250?
>ELAPSED TIME: 30 days! Everyone responding immediately.
LOUIS: Heart rate normal. Am increasing the dosage.
>ADVANTAGE: $8 Initial investment.
LESTAT: DISADVANTAGE: Jail and the total alienation from your peers.
Of course, for this guy only half of that statement is a change
from the status quo.
>Professional care has been taken to insure that this Marketing Plan does
>NOT violate any laws! (Reference U.S. Code, Title 18: Section 1302, 1343,
>and TITLE 39, Section 3005).
ALL: [helpless laughter]
LESTAT: Stop it! You're killing me! [lost in another laghing fit]
DANIEL: No, no! Say that part about it being [snort] legal again!
LESTAT: Yeah, it's not like we've ever heard *that* before!
ALL: [get lost in another fit of laughter]
>The key factor is that we are Mailing Merchandise
LOUIS: I prefer to think of us all as human beings.
>...OUR TREASURED RECIPES.
DANIEL: Who gladly died so that we might live.
>Be honest in every way.
ARMAND: Great, now it's Barney: The Spam.
>Be sure to keep accurate records of income for Income Tax purposes.
LESTAT: And here I've been keeping accurate records of rainfall for
Income Tax purposes. Silly me!
>GOOD FORTUNE TO YOU!
DANIEL: Yeah, you too. Buh-bye now!
>* * * * * * * * DEALERS LISTED * * * * * * * *
>1. G. Bart (Exotic Spaghetti Sauce)
DANIEL: Gee, Bart, what makes your spaghetti sauce exotic?
ARMAND: I'll give you a hint: that ain't cream.
ALL: Ewwww.
> 160 NW 176 Street #407
> Miami, Fl 33169
LESTAT: A dealer in Miami? Who'd've thought?
>2. S.R.
DANIEL: ..A. reading cards.
LOUIS: Daniel! You've been doing your Hooked On Phonics! I'm so
proud of you!
>(Oatmeal-Pecan Cookies)
> P.O. Box 411496
> Los Angeles, CA 90041
>3 T.H.Chan (Walnut brownies)
DANIEL: Told you there'd be a brownie recipe.
> 10 Delisle Place
> Mairangi Bay
> Auckland
> New Zealand.
>4. M. Dyer (Fettucine Ferrari)
LESTAT: Ah yes. All the *good* Fettucine recipies taste like cars.
> 3025 Redford Drive
> Greensboro, NC 27408
LOUIS: It's nice to see that all those 'honest' people didn't mind
giving their full names for this list.
>******************************************************************
>S. Finch -- I made $141,000 the last time I used this program. It REALLY
>WORKS!
>******************************************************************
LESTAT: What program is that exactly?
LOUIS: He didn't say. Oh well.
>J.S. Holliman -- I am a skeptical person by nature.
ARMAND: And the part where we care is...?
>But I knew
>this program was different. Over a period of 1 1/2 months, I received
>a total of $137,870 in the MAIL!
DANIEL: Of course, that's because my uncle died and put me in his will.
But I'm sure this program does something too.
>******************************************************************
>P.S. Why not try it yourself? Mathematically it is possible,
LESTAT: Mathematically? Yes. Here watch: I have $100. Then I
times that by 10 and WOW! I've got $1000!
LOUIS: That's very well-put, Lestat.
LESTAT: Hey, I don't watch all that Kids in the Hall for nothing.
>but ONLY IF EVERYONE PARTICIPATES!
DANIEL: C'mon! All of you guys aren't playing! If you all don't
participate and play fair, I'm going home! Guys? Guys?
>This system works for the BENEFIT OF ALL,
LESTAT: This system would also like to use its breasts to promote world
peace. Its pet peeves are people who smoke, and those who can
read between the lines.
>so remember to begin with your name in the #4 position, for MAXIMUM
>SALES and PROFITS! THIS IS EASY AND YOU GET LOTS OF MONEY!!
LOUIS: No really! Really you do! Really! Why won't you believe me?
>GOOD LUCK !!!!!
ALL: Just go away!!!!
LESTAT: Good idea, let's go!
