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DISCLAIMER: The following stories are all non-profit, amateur efforts not intended to infringe on the rights of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, David Geffen, Warner Brothers, Geffen Pictures, Knopf, Randomhouse, the city of New Orleans, the U.S. Consititution, any copyright holders that I might not have thought of or even a certain author who shall remain nameless but who has a set of initials which are, coincidentally enough, just one letter off from spelling "B.S."

MST Anne's Phone Message
by: The Brat Queen

(Note: Due to their nature, the formatting of these is a little strange. Every line which begins with a > is something quoted from the original post. Depending on your monitor settings, those quoted lines may wrap together and leave multiple > marks on one line. Sorry about that.)

6_ 5_ 4_ 3_ 2_ 1_

Lestat: Oh dear Lord

Louis: I know. It's alright, Lestat. Really.

Lestat: No it's not! It's *her* for God's sake!

Armand: I rather thought that was the attraction.

Daniel: Aren't you supposed to be dead?

Armand: Oh shut up. Shall we start this? I think revenge is nigh.

Lestat: Please.

> Phone Message on Our Lady of Perpetual Help Chapel > dated 12/20/96, appearing on Anne's fan phone line, (504) 522-8634] > Please note: The area code for the phone number Anne gives below is 504.

Louis: We'd like to take this moment to thank those at Ms. Rice's web page for giving us enough rope to hang her with.

> Merry Christmas.

Armand: And a God Damned New Year to you too.

> This is

Daniel: Spinal Tap.

> December 20 1996.

Louis: She always did have a talent for observation.

> This is

Daniel: CNN. Luke, I'm your fa-

Armand: Daniel, I *have* warned you about that.

Daniel: Sorry.

> Anne Rice

Louis: Fancy that. Her own voice on her own answering machine. The odds are staggering.

> and this message

Lestat: Will self-destruct my career in 15 seconds.

> is mainly for you people in New Orleans and those of you out of > town who have visited.

Lestat: All others may feel free to bite me.

> A very vicious vicious vicious

Louis: Can someone please reset the needle? I believe her brain has begun to skip.

> piece appeared in the paper this morning, in the Times-Picayune, > written by a man named Angus Lind.

Lestat: Our hero.

> He apparently does not understand

Armand: You misspelled "I"

> what happened with my purchasing of Our Lady of Perpetual Help > Chapel.

Louis: That's hardly fair. He does not live in the same fantasy world as she. How could he hope to understand it?

> He apparently doesn't understand that the priest sold it to me

Daniel: And we're sure he has the magic beans to prove it.

> and that not only am I going to restore the bulding and prevent it > from being demolished,

Armand: I'm also going to use it to promote world peace.

> but that I've also extended the right of the Redemptorist fathers > to use that chapel through '97 and '98 and in perpetuity if they > wish to do it.

Lestat: And judging by the hand gesture they gave me in response, they certainly seem to think that I'm #1.

> Mr. Lind has some sort of personal grudge

Louis: Apparently he's met you.

> and he says very mean and very hurtful things in his column

Armand: Like the truth, if you could imagine such a thing.

> and what I'm asking you to do is if you agree with me and you > agree that this is unfair and you agree

Daniel: That I need more publicity to really sell this activist image and you agree that my life as a multi-millionare is really that hard and you agree that I am becoming repetative-

> that this kind of persecution

Lestat: Is not only fun but well-earned.

> can really really reaaly hurt,

Louis: Oh, well if it really really *reaaly* hurts then I see your point.

> deeply hurt and scar a person as it is hurting me,

Daniel: She was hurt?

Armand: I understand she wept real tears while rolling about naked through her money.

Lestat: Thank you *ever* so much for that mental image.

> would you call Mr. Lind?

Louis: Please send him our gratitude.

> The number at the Times-Picayune is

Daniel: 867-5309

> 826-3449. That's 826-3449.

Louis: Go right ahead. Say it a third time. We know you want to.

> If you don't get him you'll get a message machine

Armand: Which also hates me. They're all out to get me, you know.

> and you can leave your message.

Louis: "Thank you."

Daniel: "Good job"

Lestat: "Thank God."

Armand: "Leave town before she starts saying she's your wife."

> Just...if you would, if you would leave a message of support for > me, I would really appreciate it.

Armand: Because making you fight my battles for me is the closest I'll ever get to Jonestown.

> I love Our Lady of Perpetual Help Chapel

Lestat: Deeply, intimately, passionately. In fact I'm married to it.

>--my mother graduated from school there, my father was an altar boy >there.

Daniel: And *you*, sir, are no Lady of Perpetual Help Chapel.

> I love the building with my whole heart

Louis: What's left of it.

> and I am among the many many many people who lost a chapel at > sometime in her life.

Lestat: Let's see- got my jacket, got my wallet - oh SHIT! Where did I put the chapel? God, not *again*

> Mr. Lind's last vicious comment in his column was that he hopes my > TV series isn't a success,

Armand: How dare he say that you shouldn't have more money?

> paraphrase.

Louis: He actually said that he hoped it would do well.

> My TV series that I recently sold to CBS

Lestat: It takes a special kind of person to include a plug in the midst of a self-righteous rant.

> is set in the 6th District in New Orleans, which includes the > Irish Channel and Dryades Street.

Daniel: And a corner which actually falls into the sixth circle of Hell.

> These are poor areas and they badly need the money.

Louis: Not that this has anything to do with the TV series, she's just mentioning it as a fact.

> If the TV series is a successs it will bring millions of dollars

Armand: To my bank account.

> into New Orleans in jobs and catering money and actors jobs and > all kinds of things

Lestat: Which will never in a thousand years filter down to the poor of this neighborhood, unless, of course, they steal and hock the camera equipment.

> and Mr. Lind I guess doesn't care about those people.

Daniel: I care about the poor. I'm going to invite them to my home to star in my TV show. Then eat them.

> He doesn't care about the people of the 6th District.

Armand: Otherwise he wouldn't exploit their misery like I do.

> He just cares about some myth he has in his mind...some fixed idea > about the Perpetual Help Chapel.

Lestat: He thinks it's - if you can believe this - an actual chapel that people have gone to for years and are upset that they can't go to anymore.

> I'm trying meantime to contact the Archbishop

Daniel: Of pain.

> and Father

Lestat: "Rocko"

> Landry, the pastor, and Father

Armand: "The Snake"

> Perrier,

Daniel: He makes the Holy Water.

> the Provincial, so we can go see him and maybe set him straight on > this issue.

Lestat: We'll be using brass knuckles and piano wire.

> But again, if you agree with me please call his number > at the Times-Picayune, 826-3449.

Louis: And if you do not agree with her... well she'll keep pretending that you do not exist anyway.

> It's just so hurtful to keep getting his jabs in the column

Lestat: Of course, I *could* stop reading it... but playing the victim is much more fun.

> when I'm so close to father Landry

Armand: I won't say it. The joke is far too easy.

> and so close to the parish

Lestat: That "Anne's #1" again.

> and so involved in St. Alphonsus School and so involved in Hope > House and so proud of it.

Louis: She's taken that rule of writing in threes rather to heart, hasn't she?

Daniel: I think she's trying to rap.

> It's just hurtful to have this keep happening. 826-3449 Angus > Lind. Thank you.

Lestat: Be sure to tell him we'll support his writing career if we have to.

Armand: God help us all.