† The Brat Queen †

DISCLAIMER: The following stories are all non-profit, amateur efforts not intended to infringe on the rights of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, David Geffen, Warner Brothers, Geffen Pictures, Knopf, Randomhouse, the city of New Orleans, the U.S. Consititution, any copyright holders that I might not have thought of or even a certain author who shall remain nameless but who has a set of initials which are, coincidentally enough, just one letter off from spelling "B.S."

IWTV by Dr. Suess, aka Lestat in the Hat
by: The Brat Queen

Immortality Awards:
Winner: Best Silly '95-'96

Interview With the Vampire
By: Dr. Seuss
(aka: Lestat In the Hat)

I was alone one night, alone in my room
While the thunder outside made a terrible boom
I was dressed all in black and my tears they did fall
For all I could think of was my lost brother Paul

I cried and I wailed, I wailed and I cried
"Oh why?" I would ask "Was it not me who had died?"
Just then when I thought I heard the sound of a rat
Into my room came the vampire Lestat!

He didn't come in a carriage
He didn't come through a wall
He came in through my window - the easiest of all!

"I can make you a vampire," he said, "mon pouvre Louis.
Why to give the Dark Gift is as quick as a sneeze!
Wrist to my mouth, mouth to my wrist
And then your pain will be no more than mist!"

His blood, it was hot
His heart like a drum
And then my whole life became the strangest hullabalum.

I had to drink blood, he said, which was scary
For how could I do that when I could not even stand dairy?
We slept in coffins - Mon Dieu! - which were ever so tight
And the feel of Lestat beside me gave me the oddest of fright.

I didn't drink from humans, oh no not for me!
But I took rats and dogs and the birds in the tree.
Lestat how he laughed and said I was chicken
"Why won't you take humans ripe for the pickin'?"

I laughed back and oh how we fought
'Til soon by the slaves we were eventually caught.
Devils! Evil! Bedlam! Fire!
Our situation was certainly dire!

I killed his poor father who was sickly and blind
Which saddened me greatly for he had been kind.
We ran into the night as my house was collapsing
We ran to Babbette, our speed never lapsing.

I thought that Babbette would give us our haven,
But I was quite wrong, she demanded I fly off like the raven!
"Get thee behind me Satan," she said "Please do go away
Did you think I would save you on any old day?"

So we ran once more, on to New Orleans!
Give us safety and comfort and the life meant for queens!
Lestat found us a flat on the street Rue Royale
"Trust me," he said, "I'll be your greatest dear pal."

It was calm, then we fought, then we fought until calm
"Forget this," I said, "As of tonight I am gone!"
"Please don't!" he cried, "No, no don't you try!
How can you leave at the sound of our daughter Claudia's lost cry?"

A daughter? A daughter! Lestat had made me a father!
Sure I had drunk from her before but make myself a Child; well, why bother?
On the other hand I was lonely. On the other hand I was sad.
A daughter, a Child... I guess I'm a dad!

We took her into our home and showered her in presents and toys.
We got her dresses and dolls and drawings and to drink: little boys!
For a while we were happy, for a while we were glad
But after a while Lestat made even Claudia mad.

"Come away with me Louis," she said, pressing my hand.
"Let's leave Lestat and let's travel the land.
We can do better than him, of this I am sure.
We'll find our brothers and sisters and love that is pure!"

I wasn't sure if I wanted it
I wasn't sure if it was wise
But then Claudia cut his throat without any second tries!

We drove through the night; my heart it was pounding
Lestat he was dead, my guilt was resounding.
We dumped him into the swamp then raced home to pack
But as soon as we got there - Lestat, he was back!

He lept at Claudia, screaming "Naughty girl!"
To save her a lantern at him I did hurl.
He was covered in flames which then spread to our home
I took Claudia in my arms and ran to the boats - the world? Let's roam!

I wanted to see the waters of the sea so blue
Claudia wanted to meet other vampires; well, wouldn't you?

We didn't find them in Greece
We didn't find them in Rome
We didn't find them in the town of Allibabalahome.

We did find a vampire in Europe, Northeast
But this one preyed on travelers and had the mind of a beast.
"To France!" we both cried, "to our national brothers!
Surely once there we will find us our vampire others!"

It took us a while; to us no vampires would rally
Until one night when I walked through an ally.
His name was Santiago and of me he made fun
I would have shot him, indeed, had I only a gun.

I called him "Buffoon!"
And he quickly did swoon
And attacked like a goon.
I was then quite certain that he was a loon.

We wrestled and scuffled and fought on the ground
'Til his leader, Armand, appeared without making a sound.
"Enough!" he said. "Santiago, no more!
This one is our friend, so silence your roar.

Louis, mon ami, you've nothing to fear.
Come to the Theatre and bring la petite most dear.
No one will harm you, please enjoy our shows.
And after the performance, you and I... well, who knows?"

A vampire! For real! I was so excited!
"Claudia, let's go! To the show, we're invited!"
The performers were vampires, a fact most disturbing.
And the looks they gave us afterwards - they were quite perturbing.

But Armand soothed our fears, saying "No, no, you're quite safe.
Sit, let's talk, in me please have faith."
Good, good, evil, evil, good, good
Armand knew it all and swore he'd tell me, he would!

"I know it all," he said "in this I'm no faker.
But please, for the others, won't you talk of your maker?"
My heart, it froze. Said Claudia: "Let's go!"
And as we left Santiago said "The greatest sin is to kill a vampire, why...
didn't you know?"

Terrors and horrors, what were we to do?
How could we stay and yet still speak true?
I fretted and worried. Claudia hatched us a plan:
"Make a vampire for me," she said "Come now, Louis, be a man!"

"No no!" I cried. "No no! Not ever!
How could you even think to ask such an endeavor?"
"Louis," she said "let us be real.
You love Armand, your heart he did steal.

Go off with him, find the answers you seek.
Me? I'll stay with Madeline, once more acting quite meek.
She will have me and you will have him
It's perfect, Louis! So do it and stop being so prim!"

My soul, it broke; my heart, it shattered
But I couldn't deny her, so my blood I then spattered.
Madeline was my child, Claudia her daughter.
It was perfect, for a time. But then came the slaughter.

Those fiends, they did come from the Theatre des Vampyres
And taunt us they did with insults and leers.
"We've caught you!" they said. "We've got you at last!
Try not to fear, we'll make your punishment fast!"

"Stop!" I cried. "Armand would never allow that!"
But then, to my horror, I saw Armand with - Mon Dieu! - Lestat!
He looked God-awful, but he was not dead.
But now of my dear Claudia, the same could not be said.

The sunlight had killed her, had destroyed my world.
I looked at them all and my hate it unfurled.
"To Hell with them," I thought, "them that did this to me!"
And I set fire to the theatre with preternatural glee.

Lestat wanted to talk, but his pleas I ignored.
I wanted to travel with Armand, I didn't even care if he snored.
We traveled a while through countries most old
But then our relationship slowly grew cold.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I can do this no more.
You killed my Claudia and frankly you're becoming a bore."
I left him in New York, then traveled south.
Lestat was alive, I'd heard through the true word of mouth.

I found him at last in an abandoned old shack.
His upkeep, however, did severely lack.
He was weak, he was scared, he was confused, he was tired.
"How can I live?" he asked "In this modern age which is wired?

The radios, how they deafen! The lights, how they blind!
Won't you stay with me, Louis? I'm loosing my mind!"
I was tempted, I admit, very tempted to sta
YBut knew if I did he'd demand only his way.

So I kissed him, and smiled and said "I fear no.
I miss you, Lestat, but I really must go.
You must find your own way as, yes, so must I.
Until then, Lestat, au revoir and good bye."

I left him then and have not seen him since.
I wonder whatever came of that handsome brat prince?
As for you, dear interviewer, I won't give you my blood.
Take my story instead, with my words I want the airways to flood.

This is the end, you see, myself I am going.
What you will do I have no way of knowing.
You are curious though, which is obvious to me.
But if you want to know your future, try the Chronicles, book three.

THE END

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