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Recap of Q o t D: the movie
By: The Brat Queen
Okay, so not being smart enough to bring pen and paper with me into the theater, I'm forced to do this based off of one viewing and my short term memory. Any inaccuracies in the timeline of events is therefore my fault. This is also not so much a MST of the movie because my memory isn't that good. It is, however, a "TWOP" style recap, so props to TWOP for the inspiration. Also to Val who sat with me and helped me survive this.
WARNING!!! This is a full recap of the entire film. Do not read if you don't want the movie spoiled for you.
The movie starts. We're treated to the WB and Village Roadshow logos along with a soundtrack that hopes to trick you into thinking you've mistakenly gone into a theater showing Interview. It fails.
New Orleans cemetery. Lestat voice over (LVO) lisps and slurs its way along the audio, hoping to find a single accent that Stuart Townsend can keep for more than five seconds at a time. LVO tells us that there comes a time in every vampire's life when having a bit of a lie-down seems like a good idea, because immortality? Is a very lonely thing. I roll my eyes and mentally tick off both the first of the movie's three leitmotifs, and the first of Stuart Townsend's three lines.
The set design for the cemetery actually looks pretty authentic, until we get inside of Lestat's tomb and see that he's got enough room for a coffin, a hot tub, a minibar and a personal gym. LVO blahs something about him going to sleep in one world, but then waking up when something caught his interest, to wit the band he's about to join, which is playing the Worst. Music. Ever.
Lestat gets up to tell the neighbors to keep it the Hell down, bringing with him a violin which, as you New Orleans fans know, would have definitely survived the heat of being in one of those above ground tombs for years, except for the part where it would have dissolved into a puddle of goo inside of a week. Feeling peckish, Lestat hauls over to the waterfront while wearing a leather duster that was last seen on Spike, over on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, thus starting a long list of concepts and ideas stolen from that show. The leather duster apparently has really big pockets, because the violin is nowhere to be seen.
Lestat kills the first black guy he sees, proving that there are roles for minorities in Hollywood today, provided that they don't actually demand a good wardrobe or lines. LVO pretentiously tells us something about feeding making him feel alive, and I check my watch and realize that it's a scary thing that we're five minutes into the film and I have completely lost count of how many times I've rolled my eyes. LVO also starts blathering on about knowing people, telling them his name, blah bling blah and I check off both the second theme of the film and ST's second of three lines.
Lestat finally hauls his ass over to the band, and fulfills the producer's desire to keep all traces of homosexuality out of the film by perching on top of a speaker in a really fey manner and lisping something about being a vampire who wants to make the band's dreams come true. The band members, like me, roll their eyes and wonder why Lestat's wasting their time. Lestat then steals a move from Louis in the first film by zipping to the other side of the room too fast for anyone to see. For some reason this convinces the band he's going to kill them and they start whining about it.
Lestat then floats over to the band in a way that is not stolen from The Gentlemen from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, except that it is. There's practically a guy in a straight jacket stumbling next to him. He convinces the band to join up with him. I believe this leads us into the credits.
The credits are loud and sort of done like a music video, if Lestat had no money and hadn't seen a music video in his life, and therefore didn't know that we all got over that "Smoke, slow motion, and cheesy FX" phase back when "I want my MTV" was still a catchphrase.
After the credits we go to the Fakest. Press Conference. Ever. We're in England, because the producers felt that the five people who will actually see this film in the theater would A) be too stupid to understand a big word like "Australia" and B) wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the accents either. This is the only way to explain why Lestat's band is doing PR in England for a concert that takes place in America as opposed to, say, just doing some random PR for their album which would still be stupid, since they're not performing, but at least vaguely plausible.
There's a hundred reporters in this room but they're all extras so only 3 of them get to talk. The dialogue that follows shows us how the writers of this script got this job. Specifically it shows us that they were picked to write the dialogue for a vampire movie because they wouldn't know how a human being talked if their lives depended on it.
The Three Reporters Who Get To Speak (TRWGTS) ask completely unrealistic questions given the fact that they, as humans, know jack-all about vampire culture. Instead of questions that music reporters would ask like, say "Who's your opening act?" or "When's the new album coming out?" or even "Why are you in England promoting an American concert?" they ask things like "So is it true that Lestat is sending secret messages to other vampires through his lyrics?" which, of course, is what we're all wondering about in this post-911 kind of world.
The Fakest. Press Conference. EVER. then gets even faker as someone onstage (I think it was Roger, Lestat's valet) says "He's coming" which again makes me roll my eyes, except then I wish I hadn't when I have to roll them even harder because for some reason Lestat can't actually be at the conference in any way except by video, for no reason that's ever explained to us. I then give up on trying to count how many times I roll my eyes in this film. You guys are just going to have to take it as a given that I'm doing it constantly.
TRWGTS continue with the script-demanded questions, asking things like "So can you prove that you're a vampire?" to which Lestat, though not proving his vampirism, does prove he's been living under a rock for the past 80 years because he tosses out a seriously cheesy line about the reporter coming back to his bedroom to find out as though lines like that didn't get old and tired back in 1973.
TRWGTS then help Lestat kick it promo-style when one of them asks what he'd like to say to the other vampires of the world, and Lestat, and ST, complete the hat trick of the three leitmotifs and three lines by saying "Come out, come out where ever you are." ST proves his acting caliber by making sure this line has no real emotion whatsoever, so, you know, thank god he's going to say it a lot.
We then cut over to Lestat, sitting in front of the monitors and cameras that allow him to appear at the press conference, and find out that Stat himself is in Glastonbury, England, which totally explains why he wasn't able to make it to the conference, except not. I guess he's afraid of traffic or something.
Roger, Lestat's valet, brings two girls into Lestat's England home. The house? is decorated like Mater's. Seriously. There's animal prints. Roger tells the giggling Goth girls (GGG) to get comfy, and turns around to see Lestat suddenly standing there in a vampire move that's in no way clichéd and overdone, except for - say it with me - the part where it is. Roger obviouses something about not seeing Lestat there, and Lestat rolls his eyes and pretentiouses something about "Well, you wouldn't." and tells Roger to go home for the night. Roger does so, but only before secretly transferring a million dollars out of Stat's bank account into his own, because it's not like Stat would ever know the difference. At least I assume he does, because why else keep the job?
Granted, I will say this - Roger was a cool character. I would totally read fanfic about him. The actor playing him, with the few lines and minutes of screen time he got, really manage to convey the idea of this 40something year old guy who's just used to dealing with whiny rock star brats who need their hands held and their murders covered up. I heart Roger.
GGG then get happy about being with Lestat and flirt and coo with him in an effort to prove to us that Lestat Isn't Gay, Dammit. Lestat, who is very heterosexual and would be watching a sports game of some kind right now, really he would, if it wasn't for this need to drink blood thing, flirts back with the girls. One of the GGG offers Stat a joint and Stat's all "Thanks, but feeding on the blood of the living is my anti-drug."
We get some weird moment where one of the GGG, I think, goes for Lestat's zipper in order to demonstrate her flute playing skills (or, you know, just give him a blowjob) and Stat jerks away and tells her not to. I have no idea why. The GGG guess that he's gay - I mean ticklish - and Stat's all "Yeah, I'm very ticklish. And not gay. I have to be over here now, crawling on the walls."
For some reason it's the wall-crawling bit which freaks the girls out the most, and they scream. Stat, instead of just drinking from the girls in the first place (didn't Gabrielle ever tell him not to play with his food?) jumps off of the ceiling, lands on top of them, and drinks away. Whatever.
We now cut over to Jesse. We see her asleep at the bed as the Jesse Voice Over (JVO) mistakenly thinks someone in the audience has asked her to tell us the story of her life. JVO non-sequitors all over the place as we hear about family blah orphan blah no sense of belonging blah script really needs an editor blah blah blah.
We then flash back to Jim Henson's Baby Jesse asleep in a room with Mater's doll collection and, really, why do something that cruel to a child? JHBJ wakes up, realizes she needs to go a round on Trading Spaces, and heads off to tell somebody about it because, really, even Frank's love of Kuntry Kraft design would be a more tasteful way to decorate this room.
JHBJ walks into a room where all these people are. Lena Olin is there, having an argument on the phone with her agent. She hangs up and kneels down in front of Jesse to tell her that she, her Aunt Maharet, loves Jesse very much, and specifically would love Jesse to go away now. JHBJ is Very Sad, and also Slightly Alarmed, because Auntie Maharet is bleeding and it's not even that time of the month. We see that, in fact, you can make vampires cry blood tears on camera, and screw David Geffen for suggesting otherwise.
JHBJ wipes the blood off of Auntie Maharet's face and, as all little kids are wont to do, tries to drink it. Auntie M (get it?) is all "Um, no sweetie - have a candy bar instead, kay?" and JHBJ is Very Sad again because nobody loves her. The audience? Feels this is a fair assessment of Jesse's character so far.
We then flash forward to present day, where JVO blahs something about thinking the whole thing was a dream and wishing it was true. Jesse herself wakes up, turns the TV on, and starts reading from the latest installment of her Time Life Book Collection.
The TV is tuned to MTV, where the "M" stands for "Exposition". Jesse watches as Serena Altschul basically summarizes the movie thus far, except for the parts with Jesse in them, on the odd chance somebody's come into the theater late and doesn't realize this isn't the screen that's showing Lord of the Rings. Also, Jesse? Looks like Piper from Charmed.
Piper watches the Exposition News Report about Lestat's cds and concert, and then one of his videos which is again really badly done. Lestat's videos could not be more 1980s if they had Prince in them saying that this is what it sounds like when doves cry.
For some reason the video makes Piper get very thoughtful. She grabs what looks like a really big blank sheet of paper and hunkers down to watch. I guess she's never seen a music video that stupid before, and she's wondering when the Pop-Ups are going to come on to make it better.
We then head over to the Talamasca where Piper is busy giving a full on PowerPoint presentation about Lestat. I mean seriously - wars have not been planned with this much graphic support. Apparently the lyrics of one of Lestat's songs - and I marvel at Piper's ability to hear the lyrics, until she reveals, in the presentation, the liner notes - refers to going to a pub of a really obvious pub name like "Ye Olde Englishe Drinke Shoppe" and - gasp! There really is a Ye Olde Englishe Drinke Shoppe! He must be a vampire!
Everyone at the meeting is all "That's nice, but we just wanted you to bring the donuts." Piper's very disappointed that nobody cares about her bullet points and Slide From Right transitions, or the coat she's wearing that she apparently stole from her grandmother because she thought it made her look "kicky". That's when Rupert Giles - I mean David Talbot - comes in.
Giles is all "Piper, my office, now." and it's off to the principal's office Piper goes. Giles is 40something, wearing tweed, glasses, lives in his library and he stutters. So of course I'm only kidding when I say that they're basing David's character off of Giles from Buffy.
Giles brings Piper back to his office, which is decorated in early 21st century "whatever the fuck we had lying around that suggested a paranormal investigator's office without seeming like we stole the entire set design from Angel". There's a skeleton with a pirate's hat. Of course there is.
Piper's all "Dude! There are vampires!" and Giles is all "Shyeah, I know! Want to see my paintings?" Except the last part is true as Giles pulls out these paintings that he just had lying around and asks Piper to look at them. Piper's like "Ahh, clearly the influence of Michelangelo's early work. Look at the expressive brush strokes and intense symbolism!" and Giles is all "Yeah, whatever - I meant the guy." Turns out Giles's painting collection is of the same guy, Marius, over and over and over again, not that Giles is gay, or Marius is a narcissist. Piper's all "Huh?" and Giles is like "Look, dipshit, the paintings come from different centuries and it's the same damn guy. You do the math if you're so smart."
Giles explains that Marius is one of the Old Ones, and that vampires are Very Dangerous and Piper must Stop This Investigation, however would she Like Lestat's Diary because That's Not Encouraging Her. Piper's all "Yeah - I'll read the diary in exchange for not being interested in vampires, now could you get me some iron supplements while you're out?"
Giles leaves her alone to read and Piper cracks open the first page. She reads aloud "Je suis le vampire Lestat" thus proving that even in his own diary Stat's not original.
This segues us to a Mediterranean island in the 18th century, where Robin Williams is lying captive in a … oh my GOD that's Stuart Townsend. What is he? Part Yeti? Dude! Knee-high stockings are your friend! Embrace the Gillette Mach 3 lifestyle! Trust me!
Anyhoo, LVO tells us that apparently after turning into a werewolf, he was captured by Ethan "Marius" Rayne. An actor conveys near-death as ST gets up from bed, clutches his stomach, and then continues along as though he's fine until the director prompts him from offscreen with a "You're supposed to be nearly dead, moron!" so he clutches his stomach again, recovers again, and keeps going, making sure to pick up his coat because even at near-death, Lestat wants to be fashionable. Which is actually spot-on characterization.
Enter Ethan. Lestat's all "What the fuck?" and Ethan's all "I'm sthuper, thanks for asthking!" and Lestat's all "are you gay?" and Ethan's all "Of course not, would you like to hear my tribute to Carol Channing?" and Lestat's all "Sorry, gave it up for Lent." and Ethan's all "Damn, I'll have to make you a vampire then." and Lestat's all "No, really, I seriously gave that up for Lent, what with being a powerful Marquis who undoubtedly has people looking for him right now." and Ethan's all "You think they're going to find you here?" and you just wish I was making up those last few lines of dialogue.
Lestat's on the floor, Ethan's on top of him, Ethan's drinking from him and then making Lestat drink in turn and the camera - I kid you not - intercuts this scene with pictures of naked breasts just to make sure we read no homoerotic overtones into any of this. I am not making this up.
ST then conveys death by pretending he's an inchworm, and then sits up in a legitimately somewhat creepy manner and steals a line from Claudia by saying he wants more. You have to give Claudia props where it's due - at least her hair looked washed after she got turned.
The beach. Just 'cause. Lestat's drinking from someone and Ethan natters on about not taking it all, I love your victim, are those tight pants you're wearing, and would you like to come back to my place for a no-pressure, non-sexual guy fuck? No? Okay then, we'll go for a walk.
They pass by some gypsies and Lestat gets cursed with a soul… no, wait, they didn't steal that much. They just pass by some gypsies as LVO tells us that Ethan taught him everything he needed to know about the world which, based on what's currently onscreen, is apparently this crazy little concept called "Fire".
Ethan then notices that Lestat is giving a gypsy girl (of course it's a girl) with a violin the ol' elevator look, and passive-agressives something about how vampires must always be alone, and can never reveal themselves, and blah bling blah. Lestat rightly thinks this is horseshit because they're vampires, they're not invisible and the gypsies are right there looking at them and he goes off to play.
Naturally - because isn't this always the way? - there's a spare violin right there so Stat picks it up and has violin sex with the gypsy. No not that way. She plays some notes, he plays some notes, she plays, he plays - you know how it goes. Stat's coming off like a major stud until his hand apparently gets a cramp and he can't stop playing one note over and over and over again and the gypsies are all "Dude! That's loud! Also we notice you're really pale, have fangs, and just killed that guy! We're gypsies, we're not stupid!" and run off.
Ethan then swoops in all smug, and starts killing the gypsies and telling Stat he's got to do the same. Stat's all "But dude! I could have scored!" but he runs after the girl and breaks her neck. Ethan then lectures Stat about how being with mortals is very naughty, and they're only meant for each other hint-hint, nudge nudge, and Stat's all "How did you pull that huge bottle of gasoline out of your pocket? You're wearing skin-tight clothes!"
Sure enough, Ethan's got some gas or alcohol on him just for these emergencies and instead of, oh, dumping the dead bodies into the sea which is right there, he covers them with gas and sets them on fire. The gypsies have conveniently - I kid you not - fallen on top of piles of wood when they died. That was nice of them. Lestat takes the violin home with him, though, because it's taught him how to love. Or pick up women. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
Back at Ethan's place, Lestat's playing the one song he knows when the bow goes zipping out of his hands and skittering across the floor. Lestat walks past THE REALLY OBVIOUS OUTLINE OF A DOOR IN THE WALL to get the bow. He moves aside the little cabinet the bow was hiding behind, ignoring THE REALLY OBVIOUS OUTLINE OF A DOOR IN THE WALL, to pick the bow up and, caring not at all for THE REALLY OBVIOUS OUTLINE OF A DOOR IN THE WALL he notices a little button. In the floor. Of his bedroom. Because Ethan wanted this to be a secret. So he put Lestat into the bedroom with THE REALLY OBVIOUS OUTLINE OF A DOOR IN THE WALL and the NOT SO WELL-HIDDEN BUTTON TO OPEN THE DOOR because that made sense.
Stat hits the button, turns the dial, and looks in surprise as THE REALLY OBVIOUS OUTLINE OF A DOOR IN THE WALL actually becomes a door, thus proving that Lestat has the IQ of warm buttermilk.
Taking along his trusty violin - because who wouldn't when walking into a strange situation? - Stat goes down the stairs and starts saying "Marius?" like it's the only word he knows, and perhaps it is. Fires flare up in alcoves along the wall and everytime it happens Lestat says "Marius?" like maybe the fire is Marius, and Stat just hasn't noticed yet.
Stat eventually gets to a little temple with a lovely reflecting pool and two statues on thrones on a dais. Stat, eager to prove that he's not gay, immediately starts hitting on the one that has breasts. I'll let you make your own joke about how hard-up Lestat must be in order to try hitting on a statue.
Outside by the beach, Ethan is painting a picture. Now granted that vampire senses are supposed to be stronger than mortal senses and therefore to him this must be very colorful, but Ethan's palette? Is all dark blue paint. It's as pointless as it sounds.
Back in the basement, Stat's all "Hey baby, wanna hear my violin?" and again starts playing the one song he knows, including the hand cramp part because that worked so well with the chicks the last time. Unable to stand it, Akasha tries to leave but unfortunately finds out that both of her feet are asleep and all she can do is raise one wrist. For some reason Stat takes this as an invitation and bends down to drink, but only after we see a legitimately cool shot of Akasha's veins underneath that stone exterior.
The film then cuts to Akasha's home movies. Really. We see these grainy shots of Aaliyah in Egyptian costume laughing and… standing and… well that's pretty much it but I think it's supposed to convey Akasha's essence, which is apparently red and very dull. We then get another fairly cool effect as we see that Stat's eyes are filling with blood and turning red.
Ethan, however, realizes that his spider sense is tingling and that either he's left the oven on or Stat's messing around with the Queen. Ethan flips a bitch and is all "Hands off him, he's MINE!"
We then see Willow Rosenberg lying on the ceiling, watching the grass grow - um, I mean Lestat, tied to a bed, held down by the Wimpiest. Chains. Ever. He rants and raves about wanting more, the blood was like fire, she said he tasted like strawberries! And Ethan's all "Dude, put the Willow comparisons down already, we get it. Akasha's blood is like a drug. Whoopee."
Ethan then fires up his Ford Exposition as he tells Lestat how the Queen and the guy next to her are the mother and the father of them all, and how they drank the earth dry, dry I tell you, until the day they, um, stopped, so okay maybe the ending of the story doesn't have as much dramatic tension as, say, the beginning but I really got your attention with the whole "drank the earth dry" line, didn't I? Pretty cool, huh?
Lestat's all "Whatever, I'm outta here" and Ethan's all "How did you break that chain?" and Stat's all "What do you expect? I just drank from Akasha and this is made out of a wet paper bag." and Ethan's all "Akasha never let me drink from her." and Stat's all "That's because I'm more of a man than you are, if you know what I mean and I think you do." and Ethan's all "You bitch, I thought we had something together!" and Stat's all "Not with you, you stalking, passive-aggressive freak! And by the way you're GAY!" and Ethan's all "Look who's talking. Tell you what, I'm out of here and you can send me a postcard from the land of denial." and ties Lestat back down again and goes off to listen to his Barry Manilow albums and agree that yeah, Mandy came and she gave without taking, and why can't Lestat be like that, huh?
And Lestat wakes up later thinking he can make it up to Ethan with a pouty apology and maybe, if he absolutely has to, a pity fuck, but he sees that Ethan's totally cleaned out the place, including the CDs that were Lestat's, god-damnit, so Lestat decides to become the Drama Queen of the Damned by whining that he's Doomed to Live Alone because No One Understands Him, and Not Because He Talks Like A Pretentious Twit And Makes Everything In Life All About Him.
In the present day, Piper finishes Lestat's diary - assuming that Lestat's diary was only twenty pages long based on where Piper's thumb was when she closed the cover - and sighs all dreamily because Lestat's just so deep and has a tortured soul and wears long black coats and is nothing like Angel and that she's just got to change her name to Buffy and go track him down.
Ye Olde Englishe Drinke Shoppe. Two small gerbils attack Piper's head as she… oh, wait, that's her hair. Hookay. I don't even want to know how many muppets died to make her coat. Anyway, Piper shows up at the vamp club, pops a Mentos, and sneaks her way inside. Stat's videos are playing, vamps are snacking, and Piper is definitely having a dear diary moment of her own if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Three vamps come by to mack on Piper and she's all "Not on your best day - I belong to Marius." and they, like so many of us VC fans, are all "Marius who? That's not even a believable character." but Piper does her best to stick the dismount and get out of there.
Outside. Alleyway That In No Way Resembles The One Used In The Angel Opening Credits. The three vamps show up and spout stock vampire clichés about how it's not going to hurt much, except that it will. Piper hits her head on the sign saying "Executive Producers David Greenwalt and Tim Minear" and tries to run, tripping over the Verizon Wireless guy as he films his "Can you hear me now?" bit before heading over to the Hyperion. Alexis Denisof gives him a ride since he's stopped by to pick up a pair of Wesley's glasses that he left on the set the other day.
The vamps ignore all of this and try to eat Piper. Piper tries to fight and when all seems lost Angel - I mean Lestat, in a big black coat - swoops in to save her. Stupidest. Fight Scene. Ever. The female vampire? Stands still, turns her head back and forth from left to right, and hisses. I'm not kidding. There's multiple shots of this. Her mom must be so proud. As must her acting coach.
Stat deals with the vampires. Piper flirts about him being a big strong stud that saved her. Stat's all "Yeah - for dinner." Piper Mary Sues that she knows Lestat better than he does and he's not going to kill her. Stat's like, yeah, keep talking like that and I will, Talamascan. The two people in the audience who haven't read the books are all "Okay, so that's supposed to make sense because why again?" The three people in the audience who have read the books turn to them and say "Please don't judge us, we were in high school."
Piper tells Stat that she's read his diary. Stat tells her that he wrote that whole thing in code, and the pages and pages that say "Mr. Lestat Timberlake of N'Sync" don't mean what she thinks they do. Piper says no worries, she majored in denial in college, and really what she cares about is the part where Stat says he's all alone, because that spoke to her, and she doesn't think it has to be true, and she can be there for him, and maybe if he slept with the right woman he wouldn't be gay. And Stat's like really? So can I suck blood from your thumb in an obviously sexual manner? And Piper's all - sure! I let guys do that to me all the time! Here's your diary! And Stat's like thanks! I'll call you! Promise! Gotta go do this concert thing now! Later!
Piper then decides to go to Lestat's concert. She calls Giles from the airport to say she's not crazy, she's not obsessed, but she's got to be with Lestat right now because purple monkey dishwasher. Giles cleans his glasses and stutters that there's one girl in all the world to fight the vampires, not go to their concerts, and Piper says she's breaking up because she's going through a tunnel and she'll get back to him later, really, mango printer fluid Shakespeare.
Los Angeles. Blipvert Which In No Way Is Like The Scene Transitions On Angel. LVO pretentiouses something about how Los Angeles is so jaded a vampire like him had no problem fitting in. David Greenwalt and Joss Whedon file their lawsuit. The Hyperion set designer joins in once we see the décor of Lestat's apartment.
Lestat curls up in his coffin and listens to the soundtrack. The audience covers their ears. LVO blathers about vampires coming after him and Lestat sits up in shock as the camera zooms in really quick and films his bad side. Also, Ethan's left a painting for him.
Out in the living room, Ethan product places a Rolling Stone magazine as Lestat comes in all "You never call, you never write - wasn't that a good tradition to maintain?" Ethan gets all huffy about how he'd avoid Lestat if he could but somebody has an ego the size of Alpha Centuri and can't keep his damn face off of the television. Proving the producer's point that Louis was in no way necessary to the film, Lestat and Ethan quote pretty much verbatim Louis and Lestat's dialogue from the reunion scene in TVL. Except this time they talk about Elvis. Because that makes sense. Lestat's all "You still love me" and Ethan's all "Yes, oh God - I mean I am NOT GAY!" Stat's like "That's nice, now let me show you how mortals live."
Lestat? Has no idea how mortals live. Or else he's got a really self-obsessed idea of how mortals live which, again, would be spot-on characterization because he takes Ethan over to this huge-ass billboard of, naturally, himself and they sit on one of those window-washer things and talk. I am totally distracted wondering if that window washer thing is always in front of Lestat's crotch or if Stat moved it there special just for Ethan.
Stat pretentiouses something about people applauding for him and devoting themselves to him and it's really no surprise that for Lestat the greatest miracle of mortality is that it provides more people to suck his cock or star-fuck him. Ethan's all "I used to be enough for you." and Stat's like "Yeah, you enjoy that dreamworld." and Ethan passive-agressives that there's a world outside of Lestat, you know, and Lestat rightly points out that Ethan was the one who taught him to be self-centered and Ethan's all "Um, yeah, that, um - there's a spider on your arm!" Lestat refuses to be distracted though so Ethan finally cuts to the chase and moves the wafer-thin plot along by saying that Akasha's waking up and it's not going to be pretty. Stat uses his vampire senses to see if this is true and there's a legitimately good bit of prop work when we see Enkil's white statue with his throat ripped open. Stat refuses to believe he's got to share screen time with anyone else so he stomps his feet and runs back to his room.
England. Because we said so. And they didn't have enough of a budget for more than one vampire bar set. I don't know why. It's not like black walls are difficult to make.
Anyway, Akasha comes slinking in, because walking wouldn't be pretentious enough. It's a vampire bar, so judges will allow that the people with shaved heads, tattoos, and stupid Goth gear aren't going to be too distracted by her Egyptian clothing. However, Akasha? Is three inches tall. Seriously, Aaliyah is the tiniest human being this side of Trent Reznor. Couldn't they get her some high heels or something? She looks like she's twelve years old. She is totally failing to encompass anything resembling regality or danger. She couldn't successfully convey the dignity and power that Akasha was supposed to have if she hauled along the Queen of England and a nuclear power plant. It's very distracting.
Akasha stops by the bar for a Bud Light and the TV. She sees Lestat's video on the screen and says "Yuews Jhiwy Rieckownzicse Hwim." I cannot emphasize enough how much her lines are mumbled. Now, granted, Aaliyah died before they could finish up the voice tracks so they had to synthesize something using her brother's voice to help but you know what? If you're going for the creepy otherworldly effect anyway, just get another freaking actress to dub her lines. Especially when they're trying for this weird-ass accent on top of it. At least I hope the accent's deliberate.
The vamps at the bar exposition that they're going to kill Lestat and Akasha's like "My little honey-bunny? I don't think so, but first let me dance." and she s-l-o-w-l-y undulates over to the dance floor and you know it's not a good sign when it takes us five minutes to realize she actually is dancing this time and not doing more of her impression of the Ministry of Silly Walks. The other vampires are like "The Hell? Someone spike the A positive again?" but Akasha gives a come-hither gesture to one of the guys and the vamp guy, proving that he and Lestat are of the same school of "Sex now is always a good thing!" thought, horn dogs on over. Akasha, however, is not looking for a long-term relationship and literally rips the guy's heart out and eats it. You've got to admire her directness.
The other vampires don't take much of a shine to this, but Akasha goes for some pretty effective conflict resolution when she sets them and the bar on fire using the power of her mind, and slinks her way out of the bar, and into the alley, and says hi to David Boreanez as he's there filming another credit sequence.
In Los Angeles Jonathan Davis of Korn gets the stupidest cameo ever because it involves his back being to the camera the whole time. I have no idea why. I can only imagine it was an elaborate practical joke on the set where they told him the camera was hidden in a van across the street, no really, and he fell for it. I guess it's revenge for the stupid ass songs he made.
Anyway, Piper's there and JD tries to sell her some scalped tickets for Lestat's concert. In the meanwhile, and god knows why this is all happening in the same spot, Roger's there with the limo trying to get Lestat's take out for the night.
In a move that surprises nobody, Piper manages to be one of Lestat's midnight snacks. The other girl with her almost looks like the actress who played Virginia on Angel, but thank God she's not. I liked her. I'd hate to see her commit career suicide. I don't know what her name is supposed to be though so I'm just going to call her Virginia.
So Virginia's there all twittery about being in Lestat's home and Piper's all "Yeah, I eat vampire homes for breakfast" and Roger's like "Coffee? Tea? Garlic?"
Lestat comes in and tries to pretentious something but he sees that Piper's there and knows he can't try the same lines on the same girl twice. Piper's like "Hey, remember when we were in that alley that they use on the Angel opening credits?" and Stat's all "Um, yeah, if I called you a Talamascan again would it be enough of an insult to make you leave?" and Virginia's all "Talamascan? I'm an Episcopalian!" and once again you wish I was making the last two lines up.
Stat doesn't like the joke either so he makes an even worse joke when he tells Roger to take Virginia home so she can catch a Mass or something. Virginia's really disappointed because she's Stat's biggest fan and she brought along a whole tin of Altoids and everything, but Roger just puts his arm around her and says "Trust me, this is a good thing." I love Roger.
Piper Mary Sues some dialogue about Lestat being all alone, she understands him, blah bling blah, vampires coming to kill him, if it's his last night on earth why not have sex with her? Or something? And Stat's like "Well, Battlebots doesn't come on for a half hour, okay, let's grab a coffee."
Worst. Flying Sequence. Ever. It's all blurry and you can't tell who's there and there's this strange light effect covering them just in case you didn't think Lestat was flaming enough already. They finally land - I think - at the Planetarium featured in such lovely fare as Rebel Without A Cause and, pure coincidence I'm sure, the Angel episode Are You Now Or Have You Ever Been? But I'll admit I'm only slightly skilled at telling the difference between that building and, say, a hole in the ground. The fact that this was filmed on location in Australia is in no way helping my cause.
Piper Mary Sues some more. Stat looks bored. The lack of sexual chemistry between them suffocates passers-by. Piper takes out a pin - because why not? - and cuts a line down her breast, telling Lestat to drink. Stat's all "Ew! From a girl? You couldn't even do that on your arm so I could pretend you were a guy? Um - I mean - you don't want this, vampirism is Very Sad And Lonely, let me show you why."
Stat takes Piper to a park. Piper's breast? Totally healed. There's a vampire and a girl there. Stat whips it out and pisses all over the girl, marking his territory. The beta vampire bows to the obvious alpha. Or he just thinks Stat's a whack job. Piper, because she left her IQ back at the planetarium, is all "Awh! You rescued her! Um - I think you're kissing her neck a tiny bit hard, sweetie, you might want to…. oh." Stat reminds her that vampires, you know, kill people and leaves her alone in the park. At night. With the other vampires and, you know, muggers and rapists. Because he loves her. Or he's an ass.
Stat kicks it promo-style as he hangs out in a satellite dish. Just because. LVO blathers about vampires coming to kill him. This segues to the concert itself.
The concert is out in Death Valley because… hey there's a spider on your arm! A massive crowd of people who, I hope, did not spend a lot of money for their tickets given that there's no organized parking, refreshments, toilets, or ability to see the stage unless you're right on top of it, mill about and listen to whatever band the producers paid to keep these people from rioting. The "B" director cannot direct these extras. You wouldn't believe how many people are just standing, with no expression on their face, as though they didn't hear the word "Action!" Sadly this differs from the actual stars of this movie not at all.
The crowd cheers for Lestat. Vampires mill about, wondering if they can kill the opening act just to limber up a little. Piper's there, and amazingly in the crowd of approximately a bajillion people, Giles manages to find her. Giles is all "Buffy! Wait! I need to tell you about your destiny! Or - um - Piper, you're in danger here! You know, whatever!" and Piper's all "What? I can't hear you! Send me one of those instant messages on my Nokia phone!" and she makes her way to the front of the crowd.
The concert starts. ST desperately tries to act like a rock star. Ewan MacGregor laughs his ass off and hands out free copies of Velvet Goldmine to show just how much he did it better, and sexier, and that was even before the scenes of full frontal nudity. The audience notes that they saw more accurate lip synching when O-Town toured with Britney Spears. The Village People show up. Wait -
Um, okay, not the Village People. It's an escaped Ren Fair party. Sorta. Lena Olin is there, the blood of her agent dripping from her hands. With her is a group of D&D rejects. There's a really pale guy who, by comparison to the rest of the 30something cast, looks young and has a really huge head, there's a - um - gypsy? and a guy with pale skin and white robes? and an Ute Indian, and - fuck it, you can't tell who these guys are. It's Maharet, Armand, Pandora, Mael and Khayman. Because the credits say so. Why are they together? Who knows. Telling an actual story would have gotten in the way of the - um - set design, so they decided to leave that out. Auntie M straps her bitch on and tells the gang to find Piper. They spread out and do what Auntie M says. Just because.
Lestat "sings". The crowd "enjoys" it. The audience "checks its watch". Finally we get some action when Lestat basically gives the vamps in the crowd the finger and they - because they're so cranky and have no senses of humor - try to kill him.
Stat's all "Whoa, shit - I mean, yeah! Bring it on, baby! I'm a cheerleader! Don't hate me because I'm beautiful because I don't like you either!" or words to that effect. The band shows an amazing display of brain power by leaving Stat to get his ass kicked. Stat actually holds his own fairly well because while he was unconscious and underground he apparently took karate lessons. He's soon outnumbered though and just when things look bad, Ethan shows up and he and Lestat share The Gayest Look Of The Movie (you Smallville fans know what I'm talking about). Fighting. Ethan apparently took the same karate lessons that Stat did. The two of them kick it Matrix-style, because that certainly hasn't been done to death. Out in the crowd the Ute Indian - I mean Mael - Um, I guess it's Mael, it could be Eric for all I know - finds Piper and hauls her out of there.
Ethan and Lestat kick butt, then get their butts kicked. The vamps are about to off them when Akasha shows up. She bursts out from the bottom of the stage because having her fly in from the sky would be too logical and logic only leads to communism. She torches the attacking vampires, puts Lestat in her tractor beam - I'm not kidding - and hauls him out of there. Ethan's seriously bummed but he notices Giles in the crowd and stops to give him a "Hey, how you doin'?" Giles gives him an elevator look back. It's obvious they've met before. But they're not gay.
Akasha hauls Lestat off to the same beach where Ethan gave him the Don't Trust Gypsies lesson. At least I assume she's doing this on purpose, and not because the producers thought we were too fucking stupid to notice it's the same damn location. What was the budget for this movie anyway? Five dollars and a Chiclet?
Anyway, Akasha's all "Hmmow agaaygn mouyi wuuub." and Stat's all "Um - have we met before? Because as a straight man I think I'd remember a woman who said she loved me and only wore a band-aid over her chest." Akasha slinks around him - because that's the only way she knows how to move, apparently - and blathers on about waking up for him, killing her husband, and wanting to start a nice, long-term relationship with Stat. Because that's in no way stupid or creepy. Lestat, because he hasn't entirely lost all of his braincells yet, is all "what's in it for me?" and when he finds out he gets to rule the world and have an attractive set of luggage, he's in.
Then Akasha gives him a blow job. No really. No, really. Lestat's in a bathtub filled with rose petals all American Beauty-style and thinking, I guess, of Ethan or violins while Akasha's under the water giving him a little how's your father, wink wink, nudge nudge. Then she comes out of the water and bites into his nipple in a move that's in no way exactly like the scene in Interview where Lestat bit into the prostitute's breast, and Lestat twitches and jerks and tries to decide if being straight is worth all the pain and strange bruises. Then he gets to drink from Akasha and it's back to Willow and Rack and the Painful Addiction Metaphor That Wouldn't Die. Except now it's not so much an addiction metaphor as it's Lestat really liking it, so whatever.
The next day Lestat wakes up and he - and the audience - are blinded by having the sunlight shot right into our eyes so thank you very much, Mr. Producer. Stat freaks out because of that nasty sun allergy that vamps are known to have and then realizes that he's not burning. However I realize that the Foley artist put the sound of burning flesh in there anyway, so whatever. Also, because I forgot to mention it before, everytime the vamps grow their fangs in order to bite into somebody? In no way sounds exactly the same as Buffyverse vamps going into game face.
Anyway, Stat goes out for a walk in the sunlight and proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the dark leather Goth vampire look totally looks like ass when you see it in the day. What little mood the film had managed to scrape up is totally ruined. But the producer tries to get it back by showing dozens of dead bodies scattered around the pool and along the beach. The beach shot is admittedly a little creepy.
Akasha - what else? - slinks up to him and slurs an exposition about her blood making the both of them immune to sunlight. Of course it does. She then natters on about this being the world that they shall rule and Lestat looks over all the dead bodies and is all "Um, thanks?" and she's all "Well, what else do you want?" and Stat's like "Gee, I dunno, to rule something that's alive?" and she's all "These people believed in nothing!" and Stat's like "I'm sure they believed it hurt like shit when you killed them! Jesus, issues much?" and Akasha's all "Look, I'm the Queen and I'm the one with the hot shit vampire blood so do you want to fight or do you want to fuck?" and Stat's all "Well, as a straight man obviously my answer is I want to fuck."
California. Piper wakes up in the scary doll room and, same as before, gets the Hell out of there because ew. JVO whatevers about this being the place of her dream, she finally found a home, blah blah blah. Auntie M comes up to her and kicks it exposition-style by saying how she, Auntie M, was mortal once too but she had a baby before she was turned and she's watched over that baby and its descendants ever since, because that kept her tied to the world. Piper's all "Hookay, that's in no way obsessive-compulsive. Thanks for sharing." The family tree on the wall is okay enough, I guess. It's basically these stone rectangles with symbols on them and carved lines behind them connecting it all. My biggest beef is that there's about a hundred tablets there, give or take, and the great family's supposed to be bigger.
Auntie M tells Piper that they have to fight for the family, and Ethan's there all "Um, and I care because why again?" the people in the audience who haven't read the books agree with him. Auntie M then ties up a loose plot hole by explaining that Akasha can be killed if all her blood is drained, but the vamp who drinks the last drop of her blood dies too. Ethan fails to explain why this solution wasn't used the last time Akasha tried to kill the entire world. I mean I get that Akasha and Enkil just got bored with the killing and everybody else was happy to let them, but wouldn't they have offed Akasha to be better safe than sorry? Couldn't a suicidal vamp have taken one for the team? Also, Ethan fails to say Akasha the same way twice. It's always "Ah-CASH-ah" or "Ahk-ash-AH" or whatever. The credits swear this movie had a dialect coach. Really, they do.
Piper bats her eyes all sad-like at Auntie M and is all "But what about Lestat?" Auntie M gently takes her aside and is all "Remember the kitty you had when you were three that got hit by a car but we told you she was okay and living on a farm in Iowa? Lestat's kind of like that right now. But cheer up! We'll get you a new vampire to play with."
This is Akasha's cue to - you guessed it - slink in. At least she's wearing a new outfit this time. As is Lestat, who's in leather pants with - I'm not kidding - this beaded arrow-shaped thing over his crotch in case Akasha forgot where to aim when she's going down on him. He's really embracing his heterosexuality, now that he's found it. Good for him.
Akasha slurs something about "Scheeyng allll myoui chwildrwen toogetkther varnz myoui bwloot." (sound it out) Auntie M's all "Dude! This is my house!" and Akasha's all "Whatever, go be pinned against the wall now." Akasha then purrs at Lestat and asks if he loves her. Lestat says yes. Piper bursts into tears and writes nasty things about him in her diary, making sure to note that in no way does the repetition of these lines overlap the Louis/Lestat dynamic that was actually in QotD, and the producer really is correct when he says Louis was an extraneous character. Akasha tells Lestat that if he loves her, he'll kill Piper. Stat's all "But baby - you know she means nothing to me!" and Akasha's all "So do it anyway" and Stat's all "Well I just will then, see if I don't." and heads over to do just that. Ethan, Armand, Mael, Khayman and Pandora are apparently all playing a game of cards or something because they Aren't. Doing. Anything. Oh, and Ethan and Armand? Give each other a look but that's about it. If they're supposed to have backstory here there's no sign of it. Also Armand is blond. Whatever.
Anyway, Lestat takes about five years to saunter over to Piper and suck her blood. Auntie M gets pissed off about it but Piper Mary Sues that it's okay, it's what she wants. As far as the camera angle shows, Lestat drinks from like five different places but in the end it looks like he's only taking it out of her breast. Because he's straight like that. I believe this is also when the tablets of the family tree start to bleed. Because A) that makes perfect sense and B) is in no way like the bleeding walls scene from Blade.
Done with Piper, Lestat moseys back to Akasha, passing by Ethan who's got so much free time on his hands with the nothing to do that he's ordering a pizza. Pandora and Armand are teaching themselves to have better abs in just fifteen minutes. Words cannot express how much we have five characters in this scene who Aren't. Doing. Anything.
Lestat finally gets back to Akasha and is all "Hey, how about a little sugar for your main squeeze?" and Akasha's like "Keep that monkey on your back - I mean, show my love for you? Sure!" Stat gets down on his knees, because Akasha is only three inches tall, and starts drinking from her arm. Akasha smugs that she has Lestat well trained. Ethan seethes with jealousy because Lestat never went down on his knees for him. Akasha's all "That's because I'm more man than you'll ever be. Um - Lestat? Pookie? Mommy needs her arm back now. No, really. No, really."
The other vamps catch on that Lestat's trying to drain her dry. Because he knows that will kill her. Except for the part where nobody explained that to him. I guess he and Akasha were hiding in the hallway and listening to the conversation before they came in, which makes as much sense as anything else in this film. Akasha tosses Stat across the room and the other vamps leap on her, ostensibly to drain her dry but really their facial expressions are taking a wrong turn at "greedy desire for power".
Akasha starts throwing the vampires off of her. Pandora is dusted. Either Khayman or Mael is dusted, fuck if I know which one's which. Ethan's fine. Armand gets thrown across the room and starts to turn to ash, thus raising my hopes that we won't be subjected to the movie version of TVA. Sadly, he's fine. Akasha's getting weaker, and a little pissy that they're attacking her like that. I am marveling at Aaliyah's ability to keep her back bent at that angle for so long (picture Keanu Reeves ducking from the bullets in Matrix). I mean sure, they had to have wires or a chair or something propping her up, but still - stay in a position like that for more than a few minutes and it's bound to leave you stiff.
Lestat jumps back on Akasha, trying to go for the gold. His eyes go red again, in a sadly unsurprising lack of continuity because it's not like the first time they went red it meant he was killing her. Ethan's all upset that his favorite Twinkie's about to go into the great beyond. Fortunately Auntie M, free from Akasha's wall bondage, comes over and makes it All About Her. She will kill Akasha, because - well Lestat's the star of the film and needs to have a happy ending with Piper, that's why.
Auntie M drains Akasha. Akasha turns to dust in a display of CGI that might have been cool if it didn't take up a half hour of the film. Her body turns to coal, then s-l-o-w-l-y, like one atom at a time, becomes particles of ash floating in the air. Ethan watches all of this with his mouth open, because he's a moron and likes breathing in dead vampire.
Lestat then runs over to Piper and starts to feed her his blood. For the benefit of the blind, Armand recaps what we just saw by saying that Auntie M killed Akasha and has taken her "death" into her, thus becoming a statue herself. Ethan's standing next to him like "Yeah, thanks for telling me, what with me being right here and seeing it with my own eyes and all." Neither one of them explain why we're supposed to find it so poignant that Auntie M is a statue, when obviously Akasha could take a stroll down to the local K-Mart whenever she damn well felt like it.
England. Giles's library. He's twittering away at his books. Lestat enters. Giles drools, but is not gay. Piper comes in as well and Giles is all "Piper! You look good for a dead woman!" Lestat gives Giles his, Lestat's, diary. Giles acts like a fourteen year old who was just given Carson Daley's home phone number, but is not gay. Seriously, he's all hugging the book against his chest and smiling shyly and acting like he wants to get Lestat to sign it "Dear Giles, if I was gay, which I am not, I'd fuck you. Sincerely, Lestat."
Piper pretentiouses about her new life now. Giles asks what it's like and Piper tries to be a sex kitten - and fails - as she gets up in his face and asks if he wants to find out personally. Giles stutters, cleans his glasses, and says he's too busy keeping an eye on Anya over at the Magic Box for that sort of thing.
Stat's like "Okay, well nice meeting ya, gramps, we gotta go." and he and Piper leave. Giles is all happy, like "He spoke to me!" Stat and Jesse then walk towards stock footage of Big Ben while the mortals around them go really, really fast in a sequence that's only cool as long as you remember that it makes no sense. Once you wonder what the mortals thought of the guy and the girl who apparently felt like it was a cool idea to stand in everybody's way for hours, it kind of ruins the mood.
Outside of the Talamasca house, Ethan stops by, notices where he is, and heads inside, purring "Hello, David." And in spite of the fact that it's a universal truth that visits at that hour ain't nothing but a booty call, Ethan and Giles are NOT GAY.